November 15, 2008

• Celebrity Round Up 11/14

  Another week of celebrity shenanigans.  My night has sucked.  I really am not up to talking about it but rest assured it has sucked.  Enough about me.
  
  Will Smith lied.  Weeks ago he said that there wasn't going to be a Karate Kid remake starring his son.  Well it was announced this week that it was on.  You would have known that a while ago too if you read my Lukewarm Links.  Anyway the plot of the new movie will follow the plot of the original.  Sadly there is no Pat Morita.  I think it is illegal to have a Karate Kid movie without Arnold...I mean Pat Morita.  See, I am from Wisconsin so I still call him by the name Arnold because of the documentary of Wisconsin life in the 50s called Happy Days.  I think Suri Cruise will play the love interest and John Travolta will play Mr. Miyagi.  Guess you have to keep it in the Scientology family.
  
  You thought I was joking about Suri being in the new Karate Kid movie.  She has moves. 
  
  We'll start with the nudity early this week.  This is Vicki Blows.  I like Vicki Blows.  Front magazine did a shoot of her reenacting scenes from the Devil May Cry video game.  I like video games.  I like naked girls.  Now if more video games I play featured nudity I would be happy.  Oh not you John Madden.
  
  Why is Stephen Baldwin still here?  He vowed to leave America if Barack Obama was elected president.  I reported that months ago.  Maybe Canada didn't want him.  He must not be too Christian because I believe there is something in the Bible about lying and making stupid vows.  Also the Bible has stuff to say about tattoos.  I know what it says and the connotation so don't get up in arms.  Miley Cyrus dared him to get a tattoo and he did.  Hmmm a 15 year old daring a grown man to get a tattoo?  He did show restraint and got Hannah Montana's initials tattooed on his shoulder so now she has invited him to be a guest star on her show.  I am thinking this is some strange new form of entrapment by NBC's To Catch a Predator.  Pretty soon Chris Hansen will be jumping out.
  
  WHORE-alujah!  Sienna Miller is now officially single.  She finally broke ties with the married Balthazar Getty.  Look out ladies, she's single and ready to mingle with your husband.
  
  A porn studio offered Sarah Palin $2million to do a MILF themed porno.  The studio also said they would be willing to throw in a new snowmobile for her husband Todd.  If she says yes, that porno would be the highest grossing adult movie ever.  It would blow away(sorry) Paris Hilton's sextape.  Hmmm look at what sextapes did for Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian, their careers blossomed from the exposure.  I wonder if a sextape could get Sarah Palin elected.  LOOK OUT KARL ROVE, HERE I COME!(and NO not that)
  
  Salma Hayek...I love you.  She was interviewed this week and in the interview she admitted to being addicted to breast feeding.  Her child is 13 months old and she said that she can't stop and sometimes forces the child to take the breast.  I wonder if she is breast feeding to avoid getting pregnant because that didn't work so well for Jamie Lynn Spears.  So how does breast feeding addictions work?  Does that mean Salma goes around breast feeding every baby and slightly balding, overweight, and fugly man in site?  I need to find out where she lives.
  
  Todd Solondz, one of my favorite filmmakers, is making a sequel to Happiness.  He has cast Paris Hilton for a role in the movie.  If you have seen Happiness you will get this next joke but if you haven't and you are curious email me and we'll talk.  I think Solondz has her in mind for a new licking scene.
   
  Here is Nikki Cox now and back when she was hot.  Was she in some sort of bad accident?  Oh yeah, she was engaged to Bobcat Goldwaithe for awhile and I can't remember if they actually got married.  Her current picture makes me think she is trying out for a role in the new Spiderman movie for a villain called Trout Lips.
  
  Do you realize how tempted Mischa Barton is to just rip that dress off and start smoking it?  She's a pothead.
  
  Our nations nightmare is behind us.  The healing process may now begin.  Michael Jackson sold the Neverland Ranch for $35million.  The 2800sq ft. amusement park themed property was bought by a company in Delaware. When they start digging, it's not going to be pretty.  Let's just say I know a thing or two about what might be buried out there cough tooth fairy cough.
  
  Where are they now?  That is Mayim Bialik holding her new daughter and her son Milo being pushed in the stroller.  She looks just as good as she did when she played Blossom.  I guess once Blossom, always Blossom.  Now, where's Six?
  
  Mariah Carey admitted that she was a virgin when she married Nick Cannon.  Well at least she was a virgin with him.  I don't think he cared if he had sex with her or not before they got married but he only cares about sliding his dick deep into her checking account now that they are married.
  
  Madonna reportedly has been telling her friends that A-Rod "has the heart of a poet trapped inside an insanely gorgeous body".  Why is the vomit taste not leaving my mouth?  Oddly enough Alex Rodriguez has been telling his friends that Madonna has "the vagina of T-Rex trapped inside He Man's body".  I hate Madonna and I hate A-Rod.  I hate the Yankees.  IF they take CC from my Brew Crew, I am going to be so pissed.
  
  If I was Guy Ritchie, I would make sure the kids picked up bad habits when they stayed with me.  "Hi, Madonna?  I'm sorry to say this but our 8 year old has taken up smoking.  He smokes a pack of Lucky Strikes filterless and he follows that with a pack of cloves.  Sorry, smoking wasn't on your list."
  
  I know that human cloning is in its infancy but this is ridiculous.  They still need to work out the kinks.  Speaking of kink, Lindsay Lohan still loves men.  Sam has been trying hard to keep her away from all males.  It isn't working because Lindsay has been seen flirting with men in clubs.  It seems fitting since Prop 8 passed because Lindsay wants to get married and Sam is a girl.  Hopefully the Republican party will save them. 
  
  Lauren Conrad was extremely pissed off this week because they paged her over the intercom at JFK airport and used her real name.  Newsflash:  NO ONE CARED!  Lauren isn't as popular as she believes that she is.  Oh how could I forget, she's in The Hills and that one telephone commercial...yeah extremely popular.  When she needs to be paged or book a hotel she should just use a fake name that suits her something like Airhead McDouchebag.
  
  Katy Perry's rebellious is getting played out and contrived.  She needs to get naked or maybe have another song so she won't be called a one hit wonder. 
  
  Kanye West is so much better than you and me and everyone else.  He pisses wherever he wants.  Earlier this week a reporter witnessed him stop typing on his Macbook, get up, and piss all over the dressing room.  He shared the room with the Ting Tings.  They weren't all that upset because they realized it was Kanye West.  I guess I shouldn't be criticizing Kanye but I would never piss all over a shared dressing room.  A dumpster behind a bar in front of an apartment complex with numerous people sitting on their balconies, yes, but never in a shared dressing room.  Kanye was arrested this week but I haven't read up on that.  I can just imagine what his blog will be like.  ALL CAPS!!!!
  
  John Travolta finally lost the toupee...sadly not but he appears bald for a new movie. 
  
  Wow, Jodie Marsh has been a lesbian for two weeks and she is already photoed making out with a girl in public.  God, I must be horrible if I can't get turn around that fast.  I think the French have a term for it, fugly.  SO this is what the term fauxmosexual means...someone who pretends to be gay in order to gain fame.
  
  Jessica Alba has signed up to play a hooker in a new movie called The Killer Inside.  Casey Affleck stars as a small town sheriff who sinks into madness.  This movie sounds interesting but what sold it for me was casting Alba as a hooker.  It's perfect because much like a hooker, she never smiles.  Now, I don't speak from experience, just hearsay.  The other good thing about this movie is I'll finally be able to masturbate to a movie without High School or Musical in the title.  Oh and here's a stock tip: the week The Killer Inside releases, invest in Jergens.
  
  Jennifer Anniston confirmed that she is dating douchebag extraordinaire John Mayer once again.  She said she is so happy to be with him and that she isn't dating him again because she is pregnant.  In other John Mayer news, he will be hosting a variety show on CBS.  Now that is uncool.  I won't get into the use of "uncool" but Jen also said that Angelina Jolie stealing Brad Pitt was uncool...just like her vocabulary.
  
  Wiener Dog and Dog Face turned 26 this week.  I found it funny that I mentioned Todd Solondz this week and Heather Matarazzo celebrated a birthday.  She was the star of the hugely popular Solondz movie, "Welcome to the Dollhouse".  Her brother in that movie played clarinet in a garage band.  How awesome is that!
  
  Hey, Harrison Ford, you know you are a bad dancer when people can't tell if you're dancing or boxing.  You should have also been able to tell you're a bad dancer because you're 66 years old and white.
  
  Gordon Ramsay you fucking donkey piece of fucking bloody shit.  You fucking turned fucking 42 shit years fucking old.  How can you be fucking 42 and look that fucking old.  Fuckity fuck.  If you wonder why I increased the cussing for this dude, you haven't seen any of his shows. 
  
  President George Bush, remember Obama doesn't take office until January 20th, met with some collegiate champions this week.  Along with the champions, Bush threw up the shocker sign.  Don't know what a shocker is, check this out.  It's nice to know that when we still haven't found WMDs in Iraq, haven't found Osama Bin Laden, don't know where the $700billion in the bailout package has gone, and our country is on the presipice of financial calamity, George Bush is the first president to admit to having one in the stink while two are in the pink.  Alright they were from Arizona State and they were doing their pitchfork handsign but who cares.  He's out soon.
  
  Evan Rachel Wood dumped Marilyn Manson for someone just as creepy, the leathery Mickey Rourke.  You know I want them to fall in love.  It reminds me of the old syndicated tv show, Beauty and the Beast.  You know Mickey looks a lot like Vincent but Mickey isn't wearing makeup. 
  
  OK, this is for the ladies.  Daniel Radcliffe is currently making a name for himself on the stage in a production of Equus.  He is nude quite a bit.  I saw the Graham Norton show the other night and Joan Rivers was his guest and he held up a ticket for this play and Joan said, "Well that's the biggest thing you'll see if you go see Equus."  Who is Joan Rivers to criticize penis size?  She has been down on everything but the Titanic...oh wait that answers my question.  Maybe it was just cold in the theater or maybe Daniel needs to channel his Harry Potter character and try to find a spell that makes his magic wand larger.
  
  God, Courtney Love looks horrible.  She is very confused about Prop 8.  She was rambling on her blog, much like I am doing tonight, about how if you voted for Prop 8 then you were for gay marriage and if you voted against it you were against gay marriage.  Sadly she wasn't the only one fooled into believing that line of logic.  When you read her micepace(myspac)blog it becomes apparent that she must be using dictionary pages to roll her joints.  She uses words like apoplectic and refined.  There is no way Courtney Love speaks like that with them high falutin' words.  I then read a recent blog where she talks about her plans to go to a parade to get ban Prop 8.  If you see a giant butt plug walking around, more than likely it's Courtney.  Yes, she seriously said she was going to dress as a butt plug.  She needs to be locked up.
  
  The election is over and now Cindy McCain go about cheating on John McCain.  The National Enquirer photographed her making out with some guy and has been cheating with him for quite some time.  Republican Party=Family Values?  Cheating on a war hero is very low.  You know what else is low?  The prices at Nick's Winter Wonderland.
  
  Britney Spears' 2 year old son Jayden was rushed to the hospital this week after being unresponsive.  The family spokesperson said it was an allergic reaction caused by something he ingested.  Well that sounds about right.  That's what happens when you don't supervise a 2 year old.  Here I was worried he drank a bottle of poison clearly marked with a skull and crossbones or fell from a beam of an unfinished skyscraper.  You know the skyscraper bit is totally within the realm of Britney's parenting skills.
  
  Beyonce...sorry don't hurt me Jay-Z...I mean Sasha Fierce...you can put the gun away...Sasha Fierce wants to play Wonder Woman in an upcoming bigscreen adaptation.  She wants a role that is fun and cool because her last role as Foxy Cleopatra in the Austin Powers movie was too dramatic.  Yes, she seriously said that Goldmember was too dramatic.  I think Beyonce has the same acting ability as a chunk of my sidewalk.  Oh, Jay-Z I meant to say Sasha Fierce.
  
  Now that Ashton Kutcher's movie and tv career is over, he has been coaching freshmen football at a high school in Hollywood.  The kids hate him and call him Ashton Doucher because he walks around with a fake tough guy act and doesn't know the first thing about football.  I need to hire those kids as my comedy writers.  It's been a while since I was in high school but the boys who play freshmen football are 18 year old girls, right?
  
  Angelina Jolie is apparently going the way of Joaquin Phoenix.  She plans on quitting acting in movies in the next couple of years.  Good!  Don't let the door hit you in the gigantic lips on the way out.
  
  This is Victoria's Secret model Ana Beatriz Barros.  I really don't know what to say about her but what I want to know is where do you apply for the job of rubbing lotion all over the models.  Who am I kidding?  You would have to be gay to do that job. Not being mean to the gays, just saying that if that were me, my head would explode.
  
  This is Adrienne Bailon.  She is a member of Disney's third most popular band, The Cheetah Girls.  She had some photos that were intended for her boyfriend stolen from her laptop.  Supposedly she left her laptop at JFK Airport(everything seems to happen there) and a guy found it but before he returned it, he took the laptop home and found the pictures.  Once he had them downloaded and on his computer, he returned her laptop to her for the $1000 reward.  The police are looking into that story because some anonymous sources have told them that this was all staged.  The story does have a staged feeling to it.  How many people keep semi-nude photos of themselves lying around in their laptop?  I got rid of my photos.  Disney is also rumored to be working on firing her.  I guess these photos weren't enough to boost her career.
  
  NO!  Amy Winehouse lost the beehive for good.  The curly pube bush sort of makes her look like she could be the lost Marx Brother, Cracko.  She also looks as if she could pass for Rhea Pearlman's twin sister.  There are benefits to being a paparazzo who follows Amy around.  Right after these pictures were taken, Amy went back inside her house and brought out a bottle of vodka for the photographers.  A snapper asked her if she was happy that her husband was out of jail.  Amy replied, "It's hard going for a year without sex."  Welcome to my world, Amy.

  Well that is it for this week.  I hope you approve.  I don't have any plans right now but if my day gets any worse I plan on driving as far away as my gas tank will take me.

  • 2:46 AM
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