December 24, 2010

• HAPPY FESTIVUS!

  

  December 23rd...Festivus for the rest of us.  Festivus was created by Frank Costanza.  It is celebrated as a response to the commercialization of Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa.  Legend has it that Frank was shopping for a Christmas present for his son George.  Georgie wanted a particular doll that year and he spotted the specific doll on the shelf but it was the last doll in stock.  Just as Frank had grabbed the doll another man tried to take it away.  Frank started throwing punches and as he was landing lefts and rights on the man, who took what must have been one hell of a doll, Frank realized that there had to be a better way.  As he stood over a bloody man and destroyed doll, he thought there should be a holiday for those who don't believe in the commercial aspect of the holidays and Festivus was conceived. 

  
  

  

  To celebrate Festivus, practitioners display an undecorated aluminum pole.  The lack of decorations and pine stands in direct opposition of commercialization and the pine tree industry.  Another reason why the pole should be bare is that Frank Costanza is distracted by tinsel.  As people gather around the pole the Festivus hymn, "Gather Round the Pole" is sung.  Dancing is strictly forbidden because of an early celebrant made these little kick motions while she danced and she knocked over the Festivus pole. 

  After the hymn is sung, people gather around the table to eat a traditional Festivus feast.  The original Festivus meal was spaghetti or something that passed for meatloaf.  According to Frank, it was something with meat and covered in red sauce.  More than likely it was spaghetti because Frank enjoys spaghetti.  The meal isn't important and can consist of whatever you like unless the meat you are eating once had feathers...this will not do for Festivus.  This year my Festivus feast consisted of tamales, taquitos, and key lime pie yogurt. 

  
  

  Once the meal has started, the most important part of Festiuvs occurs, the Airing of Grievances.  This practice allows for all adherents to vent inimicality towards the others who have gathered for the celebration of Festivus.  Each person, young and old alike, takes turns speaking and the Airing of Grievances begins with the host and works down to whoever has anything to vent. 

  

  In case participants forget what their grievances are, this is an official Airing of Grievances form.  Grievances can only be written on this form if the adherent chooses to write.

  I have decided to air my grievances.  And to quote the book of Festivus chapter 4 verse 32..."The tradition of Festivus begins with the Airing of Grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now, you're gonna hear about it."
  -You don't post enough
  -You timestamp too much
  -Your recommendations are stupid
  -You used to visit my site all the time but now you don't even show up in the footprints
  -You're too nice, what's your aim?
  -You're from Malaysia
  -I like you but you don't like me.  My friend, this must not be. 
  -I have a crush on you but I don't exist and this is why I did the following.
  My biggest grievance took place on Festivus.  I almost thought this was a Festivus miracle but my hopes in a miracle were dashed to bits.  While shopping for Christmas (no one in my family has embraced the notion of Festivus...yet) I saw a girl that made my jaw drop because of her beauty.  She was every thing I look for in a girl...she had breasts, a butt, and hair.  I decided that a Festivus miracle was in store and that just maybe that the Festivus pole would shine and me and deem me worthy to be happy.  Her eyes met my eyes, I tipped my hat and said, "Hi.  How are you?"  She smiled and said, "Fine."  She walked away but I just knew that the Festivus pole was strong with me and I didn't give up but as I saw her standing in the next aisle I was shocked.  Her index finger was knuckle deep in her nostril and she was digging for a big one.  Then she withdrew her finger and inserted in her mouth and then...chewing.  I figured that if a girl is going to pick her nose and eat it in public then she would be willing to talk with me.  "Hey, I couldn't help but notice you were looking at these aluminum water bottles.  I have a few of them myself and they are quite nice when I am out walking.  You know if you'd like to try one out we could go for a walk sometime."  "Ugh...you are not my type so get away from me."  Shot down.  It was so harsh.  A girl who picks her nose and eats it turned me down but then my game was weak.  If only I had my pick-up lines!  Well I felt so dejected and I took to Twitter where I received ideas and words of comfort from the sweetest girls who ever did reply to my tweets.  I was shopping in a home goods store somewhat like Home Depot but with a Midwest twinge...Menards.  After I walked around the store and found things that I thought might be fun to have at my house I decided to leave.  Just as I was halfway to the front of the store I saw her.  She followed me to Menards.  I was thinking I could redeem myself.  I walked up to and apologized for coming on to her and I decided to see if the Festivus pole would shine on me.  I stuck my finger in my nose and picked out a winner.  I offered her my booger.  Her eyes closed and mouth opened.  I was gaining hope but she walked away.  So my grievance...I hate girls who pick their nose in public and eat it and turn me down.
  
  If you need a Festivus pole, make sure you check out Menards because you can save big money at Menards.

  

  After the Festivus feast is finished, we move to the Feats of Strength.  This year was awkward for me since I had no one to celebrate with however I was able to wrestle Old One Eye.  The host will select one person to grapple and Festivus is not over until the host is pinned.  Other people may wrestle however they are not allowed to wrestle the host.  The host only wrestles the person he selects.  This selected person may wrestle others and this is why Old One Eye was trying to meet the girl who picked her nose and ate it.   The only way the selected person may not wrestle the host is if they have something better to do.  The above card is handed to each individual at the start of Festivus as they gather around the pole before the hymn is sung.  Festivus revelers will hand their card to the person against whom they wish to test their strength. 
  

  

  Another important aspect of Festivus is the Festivus Fruit Cake.  As each person leaves the host's house they are given a fruit cake because fruit is the most disappointing gift a person can receive and any other type of cake would spread the commercialization of Christmas and Kwanzaa. 

  

  

  

  

  And finally, if people insist on you getting them a Christmas present, you can make a donation to the Human Fund.  The Human Fund does not exist but it does exist for people that don't give a good goddamn and handing out their hard earned money on Christmas for some slack-jawed dullard who doesn't deserve jackshit.  The Human Fund was created by George Costanza after fearing that his boss would discriminate against his practice of Festivus.  Simply hand one of these cards to the slack-jawed dullards who crave your hard earned money so that they can think you are a humanitarian.

  

  If you practiced, I hope you had a festive Festivus and if not, there's always next year.  Don't be a chump and shell out money for people who deserve nothing, celebrate Festivus, a holiday for the rest of us.

  • 5:13 PM
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