September 17, 2011

• Celebrity Round Up 9/16/11

  Here we are, another Friday night and I ain't got nobody.  Sorry, just singing a little song on my mind.  My town last in football.  It was probably because I wasn't there.  I went out for supper.  I hit up a Chinese buffet that makes the best Mexican food.  They also had this Chinese delicacy called tapioca pudding and another delicacy called peanut butter chicken.  They didn't understand when I asked for Beef and Broccoli but hold the broccoli.  When I got home I turned on a Law and Order dvd and fell asleep.  I am so old.  Law and Order on a Friday night.  God, I am destined to be alone.  Too depressing...time for the round-up
  
  

  NSFW and NSFL

  
  Marc Anthony is a co-owner of the Miami Dolphins.  All these celebrities have bought shares of the team and they all sit in their luxury boxes and have turned Dolphins games into a Miami hotspot.  Well last Monday Miami lost to the New England Patriots but the celebrities celebrated a touchdown and we got this photo of Will Smith trying to confirm the rumor that Anthony has an eleven inch penis.  The funny thing is, there was a rumor a few weeks ago that Anthony was divorcing Jennifer Lopez because he cheated on her and then there was a rumor that Will Smith was divorcing his wife Jada Pinkett because she cheated on him with MARC ANTHONY.  Will Smith was also spotted caressing Anthony's neck during the game quite a bit.  I think all those rumors are wrong and Will Smith cheated with Anthony or maybe that's just how the Church of Scientology gets new members.
  
  In an interview this week Sofia Vergara said that she looks like a transvestite.  Obviously she doesn't know what the word "transvestite" means.  Her English is pretty spotty. 
  
  The one thing Snooki had going for her was that she didn't have any stupid tattoos.  Looks like that just changed.  I think that means she is queen of the Jersey Shore.
  
  Ron Artest of the L.A. Lakers officially changed his name to Meta World Peace.  His daughter now has asked to take his last name.  She will become Diamond World Peace.  And I can see that name in the future roster of strip clubs.  He tried changing his name earlier this summer but was denied because he had unpaid traffic fines.  I'm surprised those weren't thrown out of court because he is a star and it is Los Angeles.  So Meta is his first name and World Peace is his surname.  Ron should've changed his name to I Never Meta Psychiatrist or I Never Meta Ounce of Sanity.  And because he plays for the Lakers he will be known to me as Messy Warped Pussy.
  
  This is for the ladies and the Canadians.  We see Robert Downey Jr rocking an all denim outfit.  All he needs is a denim jacket and he has a complete Canadian tuxedo.  Wow, he really looks like he's Takin' Care of Business.  Weird but my favorite Myspace no longer exists.  It was BTO Serial Killer...cripes, RDJ could fit that profile.
  
  OK this was a headline from a paper in London.  I laughed so hard at this headline and then I read the story.  The little person's name is Percy Foster and he gained fame because he was in a porno titled "Hi-Ho Hi-Ho Hi-Ho It's Up Your Arse We Go" and on the set people noticed that he bore a striking resemblance to Gordon Ramsay.  Foster was found in a badger den when a government agency was set to follow through on gassing of badger dens.  People close to Percy say it may have been a suicide because he's been dealing with some heavy stuff.  The cynic in me thinks this is made up because I try to look up info on Percy and all I get is news stories about his death.  Oh well, let's pour a little liquor out and I do mean a little in his memory.
  
  While at the Toronto Film Festival promoting his new movie Trespass which is about home invasions, Nicolas Cage told a tale of how he suffered a home invasion.  The most surprising thing is that it wasn't a repo-man there to take back some dinosaur bones.  He said that at 2AM he was sleeping next to his wife and he woke up to see a naked man with a leather jacket eating a Fudgsicle in front of his bed.  Cage said he talked the guy into leaving so he wouldn't call the cops and that he never pressed charges.  He said the man had mental issues.  Weird because I thought anyone who entered Nic's house was never the craziest person under the roof.  If it was anyone else but Nicolas Cage, I'd believe it but this is Nicolas Cage.  He probably just woke up in his mirrored room again.
  
  Oh baby!  Megan Fox, 25 years old, said that she wants to have children one day but only when she has enough money.  I wonder how much money she made for doing Transformers but I can guarantee it was more than 90% of Americans will make in their entire lives.  If she's waiting to make more money than she's currently making then she's going to be waiting a long time.  Twice the amount of $0 is still $0.
  
  Madonna was at the Toronto Film Festival this week as well.  Before she went to her press conference she had to walk down a hallway where many volunteers were working.  Madonna had some of her assistants enter the hallway and ask the volunteers to turn away from her and face the wall so Madonna could pass.  Oddly enough, the volunteers complied.  Funny story, when I was in college one of my roommates saw Madonna walking at a museum.  He made eye contact with her and then he turned to stone.  I used him to prop open my dorm room door during open dorm hours.  See my college was pretty conservative and members of the opposite sex could only visit my dorm room on Friday evening 7PM to midnight, Saturdays noon to midnight, and Sundays noon to 5PM.  Oh and Madonna made a video to explain how she feels about hydrangeas.  At this point, it's not about the flower but about Madonna getting 15 more minutes of fame.
  
  Louis C.K. turned 44 this week.  I love this guy not in a romantic way but in one of those "I really enjoy his work" type of ways.  Here's his youtube page.  You should check out some of his work.
  
  Lindsay Lohan and her mom, Dina, went out partying last weekend and some people tweeted about their actions.  A photographer hired by the event she was attending took Lindsay's photo and she wasn't having any of it so she threw her drink on him and when the drinks weren't enough she started throwing empty glasses at the photographer.  A girl apparently got hit by a glass and was bleeding and they had to call paramedics to take her away.  Yep, same old Lindsay.  Prison didn't teach her anything.  And I should mention why Dina is in running for mother of the year...her daughter Ali just appeared with a new face.  Dina remains adamant that Ali is just going through a growth spurt and hasn't had any surgery or isn't suffering from an eating disorder.  Dina finally relented to let Ali enter the modeling world and she comes out changed after two weeks.  Maybe Dina Lohan is the beast mentioned in the book of Revelations.  Another story popped up that said Jason Sudekis and Lindsay were groping each other.  Well they were spotted at a restaurant and Jason started throwing peanuts at her and Lindsay returned the favor and then they tried to throw them in each other's mouth.  After they succeeded Jason got up and hugged her and left.  Hmmm throwing nuts in a girl's mouth?  Sounds like how I tried to pick up my last girlfriend.  Didn't work for me but then Jason Sudekis has been in more movies than me.  Also, Lindsay Lohan is pissed.  Sam Ronson announced that she planned on marrying her girlfriend Erin Foster.  Lindsay was livid and started texting friends and calling Sam to immediately return her call and messages.  If Lindsay is upset that Sam is getting married it's obvious that she isn't over her yet.  I'm wondering what does Samantha have that has kept Lindsay Lohan interested after all these years.  Her fingers must have more magic in them than Harry Potter's magic wand or maybe Sam orgasms cocaine.  Now that Sam's off the market, Lindsay will need to find something to fill the void.  I'd recommend a vibrator.
  
  Well here we see Lindsay and Dina Lohan celebrating Dina's 49th birthday.  Yeah, it's no wonder Lindsay has issues.  Oh and that boy...I think he's Dina's 15 year old son Dakota.  Yep...MOTHER OF THE YEAR!
  
  Here we see Lady Gaga...more like Labia Gaga...trying to score attention.  You better look shocked at her wardrobe.  LOOK SHOCKED RIGHT NOW OR SHE'LL NEVER GO AWAY!  Why did I call her Labia Gaga?  Well if you zoom in enough you can see that she finally put those rumors about her having a penis to rest.
  
  Kirstie Alley claims she has lost 100lbs.  Here's what she told Entertainment Tonight: "I've lost 100 pounds. I feel like I'm back in my element and not wearing a suit, a bad suit. And I honestly didn't even realize what I looked like too much. Right before I did Dancing with the Stars, I bought these dresses in size 14 to 4, the same dress, and I said, 'You know what I really want? I really want to be in this dress in a 4.'"  She didn't really lose the weight but was sucked out of her and put into jars and labeled as "lube" and put in the men's saunas at the Scientology Center.  She says she lost all the weight because of the Scientology approved weight loss system called Organic Liasons, the weight loss system that she created.  Guess she had to create her own weight loss system after the Jenny Craig didn't work out for her and also since Scientology banned members from using Jenny Craig.  Kirstie Alley was invited to be a celebrity guest at a 9/11 memorial event in Long Island last weekend.  They sent a car to pick her up at the airport but Kirstie was having nothing with that car.  She wanted a helicopter to pick her up and land in the middle of the celebration.  She almost canceled because they wouldn't send her a helicopter.  Remember this was a memorial service and not a party.  Remember that part in Jurassic Park where they lowered the cow into the velociraptor cage.  They should've done that.  Who does she think she is?  President Obama? 
  
  Kate Gosslein hates you.  She was on the Today show and said this in reference to her husband Jon suggesting that she get a normal career and focus on the kids: "Well, it's a situation where Jon may be accepting of mediocre for his kids and working a regular job. I want the best for my kids and the best opportunities not unlike every parent. I think that to be a good parent is to work as hard as you can and give them the best opportunities in life, and this has provided that.  I think at this point, the best opportunity for all of us would be me continuing on TV as a way to provide for my kids. Something that’s exciting and challenging for me has been TV, and I wouldn’t be opposed to it."  Translation: "I want the best for me and only me, forget about my kids.  ME ME ME ME ME ME!  I can't go back to the Dress Barn."  Now, how can you still like her?  Well Kate went to the only place that where you can offer acceptable apologies...TWITTER!  Here's Kate's wisdom: “2clarify re ‘mediocre’ – I meant this job is not a career acc 2 jon but tv is 4 me & is hard but will prov best opps 4 my kids vs nursing!” A twitter follower said this: “So, because my husband and I aren’t on tv constantly like @Kateplusmy8 , we’re only providing a “mediocre” life for our daughter?” Here's how Kate replied, “That’s not wut I said @all. Was responding 2jons comment only re ME getting a ‘normal’ job–which would not work$ bc I hav 8!”  So when she said mediocre she meant living like us is horseshit because she's special and has been on TV which is a career albeit with completely unreliable income for a mother of eight, but that’s where child exploitation comes into play and then it’s all free, fancy vacations and money for fancy clothes.  What's so hard to understand?  I bet it's because you're some mediocre simpleton.  I also think Kate has a future as a Tweet writer for the stars.  That was painful to read.
  
  This is a GREAT idea.  Remember when I joked about Justin Bieber getting Selena Gomez pregnant?  Well it may actually happen soon.  In an interview this week Justin Bieber said that he wants to be a young dad.  A horny 17 year old boy who wants to have kids?  Yeah, that will end well.  A person close to Justin said that he has babies on the brain and all he talks about is having children with Selena.  Justin's mom was 17 when she had him and Selena's mom was 15 but everyone is worried that a baby would crush their meal tickets careers.  They are young and stupid and the only way they could be more likely to have a kid is if they moved to Mississippi and changed their surnames to Spears.
  
  Here we see Johnny Depp dressed as Barnabas Collins for the new Dark Shadows movie directed by Tim Burton.  You know, I'm iffy about this movie.  I loved Dark Shadows but I'm sort of getting sick of Johnny Depp and Tim Burton.  When I first saw this photo I thought they got Johnny to star in a movie about Michael Jackson.
  
  Yep, Jeremy Piven did that.  He walked around L.A. with his Emmys in a stroller and one of those baby hangers on his chest.  He's sort of like Sacajawea only more narcissistic and with more hairplugs.
  
  Last week Beyonce announced that she was pregnant.  People rushed to say that this would be the first child for both Beyonce and Jay-Z but a 9 year old boy in Trinidad would beg to differ.  About 9 years ago a model in Trinidad named Shenelle Scott gave birth to a son.  The person who people thought was the boy's father got a DNA test and it turned out that he wasn't the father.  Shenelle said the only other person she slept with at the time was Jay-Z.  Shenelle Scott wouldn't comment but friends said that the boy looks just like Jay-Z and he supposedly paid her $1million to keep silent.  I think we better call Maury.  So to recap, Jay-Z knocked up a model, he paid her $1million to shut her trap, another guy was tricked into believing he was the father.  Wow, that sounds like a Tyler Perry movie. 
  
  Wow, breaking news, George Clooney and new piece Stacy Kiebler were spotted in public together and ALMOST holding hands.  You know it's been rumored that they have been dating for some time and this is the first time they were spotted in public together.  If I was dating her, I'd be on top of her for the first 6 months of the relationship.  I'd be like one of those fish that attaches itself to a shark and lives on the shark.  Do those fish jack off onto the shark?
  
  Did you know it's extremely difficult for me to select photos of Coco to post in the round up?  Do I focus on her ginormous rack?  Do I focus on her ginormous ass?  Well how I about I focus on both.  Sweet Lord!  Ice-T is a lucky man.  Not because he has a woman with alleged artificial enhancements but because he has someone who loves him...sigh...off for a lonely fap.
  
  Christina Hendricks...oh man oh wow oh Lordy!  I can't say anything intelligent here because all the blood has flowed out of my head.  I think she's going to tip over.  Lordy.  Did you hear she has large breasts?  I couldn't believe it.  This should be on all the news networks.  It'd be better than most of the crap they cover now.  Boobs.  I hear her bras are engineered by a master alien race.  The bras allow her breasts to breathe while they are above their normal atmosphere level.  Oh Lordy!
  
  A few issues ago or maybe it was last week, I reported that Disney actress and the girl who gave head in The Social Network, Brenda Song, was pregnant by Trace Cyrus, Miley's older brother.  Brenda's mother released a statement this week saying that Brenda was not pregnant and that she made the whole thing up and that Brenda was raised better than to lie.  It didn't say she was never pregnant but she could be just not pregnant anymore.  Well I don't know how to feel about that other than I'm happy that there won't be another Cyrus in the world.
  
  This is Andy Whitfield.  He played the titular role in Spartacus: Blood and Sand.  He had to withdraw from the series last year because of lymphoma.  It was managed but it came back and Andy passed away this week at the age of 39.  Such a sad and tragic loss. 
  
  Britney Spears showed off her crazy face in London.  Why hello old friend.  It's been a long time since we last saw you.  I've missed you.  Want to go light something on fire and watch it burn, pal?  Oh yeah, we're gonna have some fun.
  
  Amy Winehouse would've turned 28 this week.  Such a sad loss.  I've really ended this thing in a poor way.  Sorry.  Anyway a video was released this week to coincide with the anniversary of her birth which featured her singing a duet with Tony Bennett.
  
  The Situation is an asshole.
  
  This may be the greatest thing the Kardashians have ever been a part of.
  
  I hope everyone has a great weekend.

  • 2:30 PM
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