April 29, 2014

• Motivation

  Sorry.  I guess I’ve been waiting for Xanga Team to keep their word.
  Xanga is just like any other relationship. After a while, you just stop trying just like Xanga Team.

  What if we’re the normal ones and everyone not on Xanga are the weirdos? I just blew my own mind.

  Deficit went up under Bush, down under Obama. No wonder fiscally conservative tea partiers hate our socialist president.

  Sorry Conservatives, we live in a multi-cultural country where Coke is giving millions of true Americans type-two diabetes.

  If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

  I was in for an appointment with a doctor and I asked if chemotherapy would make me lose all my hair including body hair and pubes.  The doctor said, “Matt, this is just a routine visit to clean your teeth.”

  It’s different hanging out at a bar and not drinking. Everybody thinks you’re weird.  The truth is I felt like I was more observant.  Had I been drinking I probably wouldn’t have noticed the guy who loaded up the jukebox with 80s hair rock and then decided to play air guitar and air drums or the girl who was fellating him during an awesome guitar solo on Van Halen’s “Running with the Devil”.

  Have you ever thought that Storage Wars is a spin-off of Hoarders?

  Filing taxes is so depressing. Do you own a home? No. Have a spouse? Not even close. Kids? Not that I know of. Enjoy your refund, loser

  My nickname is “New Years Resolution” because everyone will eventually give up on me.

  My “I wanna finger your soul” line isn’t nearly as successful as I thought it’d be with the ladies over at http://ChristianSingles.com

  Music Trivia: The rock band 98° chose their name because it’s Nick Lachey’s favorite obtuse angle.

  I wish porn URLs ended in .cum

  Just got done shooting my first pilot! Such and exciting day for me. I hope he’s okay though.

  There are 7 billion people on the planet, but there’s only one person out there for you. You probably went to the same high school.

  I dreamt about my appetite again last night, it was another whet dream.

  I accidentally got my testicles caught in my zipper today. That’s the last time I wear boots with zippers!

  What my soul lacks in content, it makes up for in girth.

  Vote for me for class president and I will make recess 10 minutes longer on Fridays and will repeal Obamacare.

  I never learned how to swim, because I could never go more than 29 minutes without eating.

  My Facebook movie is just 60 seconds of a guy frying potatoes and crying.

  Whenever I go to Walgreens, I’m tempted to leave a fake, bloody arm in the blood pressure machine.

  Guys, I’ve been doing a lot of research online and I am like 99% sure that the Muppets are actually just very elaborate puppets.

  In honor of Groundhog Day, please do me a favor and go out and punch the Ned Ryerson in your life right in the face.

  Facebook is ten years old in a couple days, so be sure to leave an apathetic “happy birthday” on its wall.

  Living in an apartment scares me. I have an apartment complex.

  What idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?

  I was told today is the 55th anniversary of “The day the music died,” and I had no idea Nickelback’s first album came out that long ago.

  Did you guys know ‘Strictly Ballroom’ is a movie about dancing, NOT a documentary on finding comfortable men’s slacks?

  The ‘Professor’ from ‘Gilligan’s Island’ died. After getting the news on my coconut phone, I just burst into tears.

  I bet there’s going to be a porn parody produced about a white trash family that makes a multi-million dollar empire selling sex toys.  It will be called Dick Dynasty.

  Xanga: vilify assholes unless you’re one of them and then you’re just being “honest”.

  I wonder if there is a gang holiday called Crip-mas.  If there isn’t I should be made CEO of the Crips so I can whip them into shape with a commercial holiday.

  Bondage looks so complicated.  I feel like if someone wanted me to tie them up in one of those intricate ways I would probably give up halfway through and go watch whatever is on Netflix.

  I’m tempted with putting a bowling lane in my house and laying down bowling alley carpet all throughout my house and replacing all my lightbulbs with blacklights.  This way every day can be my 11^th birthday party all over again.

  Basically all I did in 2013 was eating a lime and having sex.  Eating a lime was more eye opening.  Just kidding, I’m way too ugly to have sex with a living human being.

  They say Disneyland is the happiest place on earth.  Obviously they haven’t been in my bedroom and seen my genitals.

  High school really didn’t prepare me for college since my college was a glorified high school but if I ever go to prison I’ll be ready.

  The Grinch should try to steal Arbor Day because I doubt anyone would try to stop him.

  Do you find it odd that in America you can operate a car, which is a potentially deadly machine, before you can go to a movie that uses the word “fuck” more than once?

  I know a guy that paid for a blowjob in a movie theater.  The movie he watched was The Three Stooges.  I don’t really have a punchline here because I think it’s pretty funny that someone would pick up a prostitute in The Three Stooges and get head through a popcorn carton.

  I was helping plan a birthday party for one of my friend’s kids.  I misread an add in the Yellow Pages and hired a Juggalo instead of a juggler.  That party sucked but everybody got plenty of Faygo.

  I would let Kate Upton do inappropriate things to me.

  If I were president and commander in chief of the strongest military in the world, I would use said military to defend my enjoyment of punk rock against all those nations that hate punk rock.  I’m looking at you, Albania.

  My favorite part of shows like Pawn Stars is when they get experts to come in and appraise items.  Then the expert tells them that the item could get something like $5000 at auction and then the bald guy offers the seller $50.

  I don’t understand the Grammys.  Is there really such a thing as “best country album”?

  America may be falling apart politically and financially but we have the most swag in the world.

  If playing “Mozart for Baby” stimulates their brain and develops their cognitive skills then playing Punk Rock for Baby must make them an instant genius because then they’ll know all the crap the government is up to.  I wonder what would happen if there was an Insane Clown Posse for Baby album.  The baby would be able to tell which flavor of Faygo was being dumped on its head.

  Why do people say chicken as a term for coward?  Have you ever meet a chicken? They will fuck you up.  Do I need to tell you up the time a chicken with its head chopped off chased me around my backyard?  And, no, that is not a sexual euphemism.

  I just want a cute girlfriend who will sit on my lap at parties and on my face in the bedroom.

  They often say, “Don’t fear death; fear the state in which you will die.”  I’m going to stay the hell away from Kentucky.

  Every woman deserves to be lifted up on someone’s shoulders while they get their cupcake eaten. If you can’t lift her up, use the wall for support.  If you don’t have health insurance then forget I said any of this.

  People were upset with the Cheerios Super Bowl commercial that featured an interracial couple.  Don’t worry, Cheerios, I’ve seen what redneck bigots eat for breakfast.  You won’t have a dip in sales. 

  There needs to be a way to indicate to Netflix that you can’t rate something because you fell asleep watching it and didn’t see the ending or I should probably stop watching stuff until 3 in the morning.

  You guys won’t hate me or make fun of me when I’m a giant WWE star.

  I bet Myspace and Google+ are in a bar somewhere drinking away their pain.

  They wouldn’t let me become a police officer or detective because they knew how many references to Michael Jackson’s “Smooth Criminal” I’d make.

  I think I have a drinking problem because my phone corrected “shirts” to “shots”.  I can’t remember the last time I touched another human being.

  I thought Obama might listen to Sarah Palin and stop playing the race card but I noticed that today he’s still black.

  Chris Christie was sworn in to his second term today thus overcoming the first bureaucrat obstacle in his path to resignation.

  Justin Beiber was arrested for DUI in Florida. To reduce his sentence, lawyers are advising him to shoot an unarmed black teen.

  Mike Huckabee: “Young ladies, if you cannot control your libidos, I will turn this car around and take us back to 1954!”

  Saw a job opening on craigslist for a Fabricator. I called and said I have pigeon training experience and drive a toaster.  I start Monday.

  My glaucoma made it difficult to read story about medical marijuana coming to NY. Yes, I totally have glaucoma. Totally!

  Martin Luther King fought against intolerance and bigotry. Conservatives fought against his birthday becoming a holiday.  I loved hearing Huckabee try to argue against the holiday by saying “MLK didn’t take days off!”  But I don’t think kids should have off from school.  It should be a day of special classes on tolerance and learning about why King was important not a day to get high and then drive around my neighborhood with their bass in their cars so loud that it rattles stuff in my house.

  “I see you have a bathroom for men, and one for men with capes… Where is your women’s bathroom?” -Fun thing to ask at a gas station.

  No. I think you LITERALLY meant figuratively.

  LA smog makes distant things look like it has an Instagram filter on it.

  Saw this written on bathroom wall: “For a good thyme call Jennifer.” I added: “…Jennifer works in the produce aisle of a grocery store.”

  When I hear “standing room only” I take it as a challenge, and flop around on the ground like a fish out of water.

  What I lack in vocabulary I make up for in stuff.

  You don’t have to worry about horse barns during a tornado.  They’re pretty stable.

  Possums are just opossums who were ashamed of their Irish heritage

  Pick-up line destined for failure: “Girl, did it hurt when you fell from heaven because if it did you may be entitled to a cash settlement.”

  I’d like to make a game of Pacman but instead of glowing dots, fruit, and ghosts, I’d eat nachos to escape the ghosts of my past.

  I hate when people say “Hot lava.” If it wasn’t fucking hot it would be pumice. And no child wants to play a game called pumice.

  If I was a congressman I’d vote “neigh” on any bill outlawing the eating of horse meat.

   My Last Will and Testament states that if I’m ever unable to jerk off, pull the plug. If there isn’t a plug, chop my head off.

  The worst thing about meteor prison is probably the meteor showers.

  I wouldn’t say being impotent is easy, but then again, I couldn’t really say that it’s hard.

  As a kid, I always wanted to be a super hero, so on Sundays I would secretly dress up and assist a priest during a liturgical service. It was my altar-ego.
  
  
  

  

  • 11:22 PM
  • 8 Comments