September 2, 2014

  • What’s This? MOTIVATION!

    I wish this worked on Xanga Team.

    I hear Gordon Ramsay is quitting production of Kitchen Nightmares.  Too bad they couldn’t get Sylvia Plath to host that show.

    What would the world be like without rhetorical questions?

    I recently did a stand-up routine at a nursing home.  Their favorite joke was: “Can we please quit calling them sex tapes?  They’re leaked celebrity digital sex files.”  That joke literally killed.  An old man shouted, “How about duct tape?”  An old lady in the front row choked on her pudding.

    I tried pitching a new reality show to NBC since it seems like 99% of their programming is reality based.  The premise is I’d go into random people’s houses and check their dryers for dryer lint.  It would be called America’s Got Dryer Lint.  The alternate program is America’s Got Belly Button Lint.  The executives said that there may be a lot of legal issues with that one.

    It’s very awkward touching another man’s hand while eating popcorn in a movie theater especially if you don’t know the man and he doesn’t know you’ve been eating his popcorn.

    Dollar Tree is selling pregnancy tests.  The slogan on the side of the box reads: Dollar Tree Pregnancy Tests, for when you want to be 33% sure.

    I go to Target to find real meaning in my life.  I want someone to steal my identity so I can find myself.  It’s like some existential crisis therapy.

    Having kids would be awesome if they weren’t around all the time.  It’s really annoying when they ask you for food EVERY SINGLE DAY.

    My obituary will probably read: “Matt had no regrets in life until he discovered Netflix and that’s why he died from vitamin deficiencies.”

    I really am disappointed they never include “yore” when discussing the difference between “you’re” and “your”.

    The first rule of Self-Explanatory Club goes without saying.

    The only thing keeping the miniature trampoline industry in business are NBA mascots and that one house down the street with all the toys scattered in the yard.

    Some people call me “The Space Cowboy”.  Well only @Marica0701 does so thank you very much, @Marica0701

    I like taking long walks on the beach but since there’s no beach nearby I just go to Taco Bell or Burger King, whichever seems more tropical at the moment.

    I wish I knew whose bright idea it was to split this season of Mad Men into two seven episode parts.  I really would like to drop a watermelon on their head.  Sorry, I started watching Mark Maron interview Robin Williams on his podcast and then I remembered Maron’s interview with Gallagher and then I started watching old Gallagher and Gallagher II routines.  SMH…so much wasted produce.

    Mirror, mirror on the ceiling, why don’t the babes find me appealing?

    Remember when saying you loved the History Channel usually meant you were intelligent?  But then I’m just pissed at the History Channel because they say they won’t do my story until I’m history.

    Even the mutants in Godzilla find love so I guess there may be hope for me yet.

    Could you imagine playground bullies targeting their victims based on their stances on social issues?  “Hey, dweeb, I heard you’re a capitalist.  Well I’m a Marxist and I’m going to collectively beat you up.”  “Oh, nerd, you love white people so much why don’t you marry them?”

    If you ever want to pass a literature class in which you have to read a book with a male protagonist, always tell the teacher that the protagonist was gay.  They fall for it every time.

    On the inside, we’re all a little attracted to Donkey Kong.  And that’s what makes us human.

    There IS a banana in my pocket and I AM happy to see you.  Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive?

    If I told you I wanted to watch you masturbate, would you hold it against me?  Would that literally be tossing pearls before swine?

    I was recently masturbating while surfing the internet and I had my TV on in the background.  Long story short, I came right as Sheldon said “Bazinga”.  The Big Bang Theory will never be the same.

    I love when girls wear sundresses in the summer.  It always gives me hope that they may just hike up that dress and sit on my face.

    Sometimes I wonder how much people would pay for personal nude pics of myself.  Then I realize that I’d probably have to pay people to take them.

    Some people dance like the whole world is watching.  Well I drink like the whole world is dancing.

    Sometimes you kiss a lot of frogs before you realize you shouldn’t be kissing amphibians.

    I was going to do another joke about communism but I don’t feel like sharing.

    I have been really working hard to strike things off my bucket list.  The one I’m stuck on is “being a decent human being”.

    Last weekend I made a sex tape.  I went to review it this evening and it was being narrated by Morgan Freeman.  Samuel L. Jackson also had a cameo.  That guy is in everything…including my co-star.

    Do you think Martin Van Buren’s wife got frustrated when he refused to switch that dopey haircut he had the last 50 years of his life?

    I would definitely watch the World Cup if the players were replaced with switchblade wielding chimpanzees.  Hell, I’d probably buy every chimpanzee jersey they made.

    What happens in Las Vegas stays in Vegas and also ends up on Facebook, Instagram, and medical records.

    If I was a bomb maker, I’d make all the wires on the bomb the same color.  Now, I’m just saying that.  I’m not actually making a bomb.  #theworldwelivein #endingsentenceswithapreposition #Wisconics  Of course if I did that then Tom Cruise would be out of a movie career.  I could just say I’m a colorblind bomb maker and didn’t know any better.

    When I was a kid my grandfather told me that the stork left cute babies, the crow left ugly babies, and a swallow left no babies.

    You know those comedies where the characters rely too heavily on swearing?  Yeah, we totally get that you’re just like a 10 year old who has learned the word “fuck”.

    My life is just like Game of Thrones except it’s just me hanging out and betraying myself all day.

    Want to know how much I love my freedom to own guns…I don’t own a stove.  I heat my meat by shooting it until it’s warm enough to eat.

    I keep seeing Ray Liotta tequila commercials on ESPN during Little League World Series games.  He looks like he’s mocking me for drinking an appletini with a mini-umbrella in it that one time.  I’d like to remind him that he was in Operation Dumbo Drop and that whoever did his plastic surgery should be reported for butchery to the human face.

    Hot singles in my area aren’t interested in dating me online…or anyone for that matter.

    You know what’s really funny…looking at Robbie Williams videos on Youtube and seeing all the “R.I.P.” messages.

    Barack Obama had harsher words for Kanye West upstaging Taylor Swift than the police of Ferguson, MO for firing on an unarmed teenager and flinging tear gas at peaceful protesters.

    I was sort of drunk the other night and I wrote a note to myself on my refrigerator white board that said, “A goose is a clarinet filled with ambition and rage.”

    Love is a game where you try to balance an increasingly unstable structure before it crashes down.  Oh wait, those are just the instructions for Jenga.

    I figured out how to name any future daughters.  I’ll search Pornhub to see how many girls have that name.  *searches “Holly” gets 142 videos* *searches for “April” gets 127 videos* *searches for “Ruth” gets 0 videos” *I’m naming my daughter Ruth*

    If there’s endless breadsticks at Olive Garden that means we have an infinite amount of breadsticks and can feed everyone in the world subpar faux Italian food.  This will never end.  Nothing we do will have consequences.

    Isn’t it interesting how each continent has its own cool animals?  Like Australia has kolas, kangaroos, and platypuses.  Asia has pandas and tigers.  Africa has too many to mention.  And then all North America has is the turkey.

    I’ve scratched the same place on my balls today and they say lightning never strikes the same place twice.

    I don’t really know where to stand on the whole Israel/Palestine issue.  All I’ll say is that cardinals are pretty birds and I’m a man who is afraid of birds.

    People who say “when pigs fly” have never had to outrun a police helicopter.

    A real glory hole is a hole where you insert your hands to fold an American flag.  God bless America.

    I wish you’d occupy me like one of your French colonies.

    You can lead a horse to alcohol but you can’t make him drink.  That’s because the horse has been sober for 15 years and doesn’t want to put his sobriety in jeopardy.

    We really need to address the plight of homeless horses.  Their lives are so unstable.

    A group of crows is called a murder but when only two crows get together it’s called an attempted murder.

    When the last human breathes for the last time, only Weird Al will remain for he will parody the last human’s last breath for Weird Al is immortal, the eternal watcher of all time and space, and pretty fucking weird.

    The worse things get these days the happier I am that Weird Al does exist.

    Did you know that all blind people are also color blind?

    It’s nice to know that the victims of the two Malaysian airline crashes will be fondly remembered through the insane ramblings of conspiracy theorists.

    When I play good cop: “I’ll check the crime scene for evidence.”  When I play bad cop: “I just measured the dead guy’s dong and it was so small.  I bet he pissed on his balls.”

    I heard someone singing a song from the musical Annie today.  Your minds will be blown when you find out what the sun is going to do tomorrow.  You better sit down for this revelation.

    I’m so happy that we as a society can put aside our differences to come together and celebrate something of tremendous significance, Sharknado 2.

    Can someone please come and tell the stoners outside the library that Rastafarianism is more than sitting outside a public building smoking weed and listening to Bob Marley.  There’s something in there about Haile Selassie and Ethiopia too.

    I wish I had the ability to read books with a more critical analysis.  For instance I thought Fahrenheit 451 was a fun dystopia where they burned books and Animal Farm was about how awful pigs were.

    I really dislike when people ask “How did you sleep”.  The next time someone asks me I’m going to close my eyes and keep them closed for 7 hours.

    Pharell has ruined happiness as an emotion for me.

    I saw a hole in the wall of a stall in a men’s bathroom.  Why would you want to shake someone’s hand while you’re pooping?

    When Michael Jackson was bleaching his skin was he still allowed to say the n-word?

    I think we need a support group for white people who get made fun of when singing along with rap music and replacing the n-word with the word “homie”.

    Dear Charmin toilet paper, my daughter Ruth was killed yesterday when she offered your shitty product to a grizzly bear.

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Comments (6)

  • As usual, love your sense of humor and willingness to write what no one else would. lol

    Hope you are doing well.

    frank

  • I agree with the clarinet statement.

    RYC – so you want to see more babies crucified in Slavyansk. I get it.

  • The Space Cowboy. YEEEEEE HAWWWWW

    I have a $25 gift card for Olive Garden, given to me like two years ago. Damn, now I’m really hungry for their breadsticks. I NEED their breadsticks. NOW. … or when I go to OG with my friend in December when she’s visiting from Chile. Faux Italian doesn’t exist in Santiago.

    I feel like punching babies and bashing bricks into my head whenever I hear that damn “Happy” song.

    Maybe the Xanga Team is waiting for a certain number of Motivation posts from you until they get their shit together and actually do something to help this site out before our year subscriptions end and everyone decides it’s not worth paying $48 for another year of shitty and largely-unread blogging.

  • I’ve missed these posts. You are awesome. That is all.

  • OMYGOSH!!! Hey, Matty! :-) Thanks for the laughs! :-D
    “A swallow left no babies”…SNORT :-D
    I partied with THAT cat on Friday night!
    HUGS!!! :-)

  • I wish I had thought about Yore before read this. Now I feel just a little bit dim. Plus I have a lot of Nazi Grammer friends.

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