Back for another week of celebrity foibles. I really don't have much to say here. What do you want me to say? If you have questions for me I'll answer them via a vlog sometime. It'll be boring. On to the round up...
NSFW and NSFL
Good news, everybody, the Situation is out of rehab and was spotted at an airport in Newark, New Jersey. The guy on the left spotted The Situation, took a photo, and promptly posted it on Twitter. You know, this may be the first time that any member of the Jersey Shore has been on camera with a black person. It's surprising but I bet they're all racist. Oh and in related news, the rehab facility where he was receiving treatment has closed for two weeks for fumigation.
Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez were spotted in some park this week. This is totally not staged. I bet somewhere else in that park a mountain lion attacked some mice. Where are the priorities of the mountain lions? They have free food right there.
Researchers are trying to figure out how a marriage between a devout Christian and a devout sex addict didn't work and while they are conducting their research, Russell Brand is making men everywhere look bad. Earlier I talked about how he didn't want any of the $20million from their divorce. Now, he's surrendering his stake of the $7million house he and Katy Perry bought. Wow, this is sort of weird. It's like Katy was the man and Russell the woman because usually the women get the money. Maybe by turning down this money, Russell is regaining his manhood because we all know women are motivated by money and everything to do with money. Just watch Beauty and the Beast. A woman will be cool with Stockholm Syndrome and bestiality as long as the dude owns a castle.
Speaking of being motivated by money, Paris Hilton is very sensitive and her sensitivity got a news crew banned from a red carpet nightclub opening in Australia this week. Paris was in Australia for some club opening and was on a morning show and the newsreader asked Paris, “What about when you’re not famous anymore, what are you going to do?” Paris spouted something about raising a family and being a mother and wife but in her fashion she told the TV station that she was upset and livid through her publicist. She said that if they ran the interview they would not be allowed to the red carpet opening. Well the network doesn't negotiate with biological terrorists and they ran it anyway. Paris, what's the best way to get the media to not give a damn about you? Prevent them from doing their job. Paris doesn't get it. She's already lost that fame. I only write about her because I refuse to write about "she with the big ass who must not be named". Paris is seemingly only relevant because of her boyfriend Afrojack and that was the only reason she was involved with this nightclub. She is the Robin to his Batman and just like Robin, she has to have sex just to ride in the Batmobile. Good luck, Paris.
Octomom is on welfare and just like that photo she feels shame about it. On the Today show she said that she did feel shame but she said who cares how she feels. Since she makes less than $119,000 a year and has 15 mouths to feed, she qualifies for $2000 a month in foodstamps. She's also starting to look for ways to save money and one of those is pulling all but one of her children out of private school. Just wait, pretty soon we'll see a book called "How to Save Money when You Have Fourteen Children". A person can say she did this to herself but you can't blame the children. They didn't agree to being injected into her eggs. I don't know what type of food will feed a family of 15 on $2000 a month. They might have to develop a college diet consisting of Top Ramen, popcorn, and Boone's Farm. She should also learn from the good people of the TV show Extreme Couponers. Those people can buy $1000 of groceries for 6 cents. It's either that or she starts doing more porn.
OMG Miley Cyrus is going to quit acting in big time Hollywood movies and plans on moving back to Nashville. Billy Ray heard the news and is quoted as saying, "YEEHAW! Ma, put more grits on the stove, baby Smiley's comin' home." Why is it that whenever I picture Billy Ray, I think of Cletus Spuckler
. Miley went on Twitter and wrote this: "Highly considering moving back to Nashville. I can’t stand these D Bag paparazzi anymore. Couldn’t even take my dog on a walk today" I can hear you screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" right now. I think it also has something to do with her alleged feud with Jennifer Lawrence. Apparently Miley felt that the star of The Hunger Games needed some advice on how to handle fame. Miley didn't know that Jennifer has been working in movies since she was 15 and has already been nominated for an Oscar. Jennifer told Miley to mind her own business and whenever her boyfriend Liam mentions his work on the Hunger Games, Miley goes mental. I think we need to start a petition to keep Miley in Hollywood and out of Nashville. Email me at MileypleasedontgotoNashvilleyoureneededinHollywoodbecauseweloveyou@gmail.com
If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times especially in these posts. Madonna is a shady woman and if you don't think so, well I hate to break it to you but you're dumb. Madonna's new album, MDNA, is supposed to be the #1 album in the country this week, however it should be Lionel Richie's album "Tuskegee" which sold 200,000 copies making it his highest album debut in 20 years. It turns out the majority of Madonna's albums weren't sold in the normal way. Her record label, Interscope, owns Ticketmaster and bundled her album with all ticket sales to her concerts. For every ticket sold online to one of her upcoming concerts people either received a link to get a free copy on iTunes or if they wanted they a physical copy they would be mailed one. It didn't matter how much the ticket cost, $50 to $350, everyone got an album. That's sort of a smart move on the record company's part but it unnaturally inflates sales and makes CDs into nothing more than a souvenir. Old lady Madonna is fudging numbers. As a good Christian soldier I can't tell because I think that's the kabballah voodoo math the kids are doing nowadays.
This is Lisa Robin Kelly. She is probably best known for being Laurie on That 70s Show
. Well she's best known as being Laurie #1 on that show. She sure has changed since her days on that show. She was arrested this week for spousal abuse and held on $50,000 bail. Red Foreman wasn't around to pay her bail so she had to sit in jail. When her mugshot was released everyone on the internet said, "Holy shit!" A lot of people felt bad for seeing her fall but drug dealers all over California were happy to see her because they realized that they were once blown for meth by a former actress on That 70s Show. Lisa told TMZ that she was framed because she never beat the guy and that he isn't her husband or boyfriend but just a roommate. She also claimed that this guy beat her because she tried to move out. She called the police because he was beating her but he fled. When the police arrived at the house she didn't want to press charges however he went to the police station with cuts all over his face. She says she couldn't have hit him because she wants to work again. I don't know who or what to believe but I'm just waiting for Lindsay Lohan to sue Lisa for identity theft.
It looks like Saturday Night Live is going to go back to sucking because Kristen Wiig, Jason Sudekis, and Andy Samberg are done once this season ends. Kristen basically saves every skit. Andy has those funny video shorts and Jason Dudekis...Well representatives from Kristen Wiig and Andy Samberg said the report on UsWeekly is false and they they are dedicated to Saturday Night Live. I don't know. I'm sure Kristen will be busy writing a remake of Bridesmaids because that is how Hollywood works these days and Jason Sudekis is involved with January Jones and I would give up everything to be involved with her and Andy Samberg will probably plan his wedding ceremony with Justin Timberlake one of these days. If they quit, I have nothing going on, Lorne Michaels.
Because Leonard DiCaprio is busy trolling Victoria's Secret catalogs for his next girlfriend, Kate Winslet has had to do all the promos for Titanic 3D. Spoiler alert: Titanic 3D ends the same was as Titanic 2D. I just saved you a lot of money. Lavish me with hugs and kisses...NOW! Kate was interviewed and she came off as that one type of girl at your high school reunion who is always drunk and talks about how much she hated the class song and how everyone looks much different. Here's what she said: "We do look very different, we’re older. Leo’s 37, I’m 36 – we were 21 and 22 when we made that film. You know, he’s fatter now – I’m thinner. It’s true though!" You know in 1997, Leo sort of looked like Hillary Swank's twin and in 2012 it looks like his face grew and his eyes shrunk. Personally I think she looked better in 1997 but that's me. AS for the class song, here's what Kate had to say about "My Heart Will Go On": "I wish I could say, 'Oh listen, everybody! It's the Celine Dion song!' But I don't, I just have to sit there, you know, kind of straight-faced with a massive internal eye roll. [It makes me] feel like throwing up. It's thrilling for people to surprise me with the Celine Dion song." To that, I direct her to this
This is Jeannette McCurdy. She's some sort of country singer but she's best known for her work on iCarly. I think that's more like iWow. She's much older in real life than her character on that show so don't think I went all Roman Polanski over here.
Last week I wrote about Jaleel White being accused of being abusive. Well this week a story surfaced that may shed truth on those rumors. Apparently if you screw up his timing on the samba or Viennese waltz, Urkel is going to go ballistic. While rehearsing with his dancing partner, Kym Johnson, he flipped out at her and had a confrontation with another pro dancer, Mark Ballas, and producers of Dancing with the Stars. It all stemmed from Kym saying "ouch" after he accidentally stepped on her foot while practicing a dance. He stopped dancing, got in her face, and started yelling at her to quit acting like a baby. Then he started calling her an idiot. That shit would've never happened if Carl Winslow was around. Mark Ballas didn't like how Urkel was treating Kym and producers stepped in to prevent the confrontation from getting physical. I'd be a bigger fan of ballroom dancing if it wasn't so violent. Producers banned him from returning to the practice facility for the rest of the day but Urkel is refusing to go back period and wants to practice at his own studio. I really am beginning to think those rumors of him beating his ex-girlfriend are true after reading those reports. The world now knows how much he sucks and how he sucks down every drop. We live in a day and age when anyone can become rich and famous i.e. Jersey Shore but Jaleel White is neither. He's a contestant on a dancing show and a gameshow host on SyFy network. I think porn would be a step up for him. I mean, one of his co-stars on Family Matters became famous for her work in porn. Just think of how he could be famous once again for the phrase, "Did I do that?" Wait, I think the person he performs with would say that while pointing at him.
This is Indiana Evans. This is a photo from the set of the remake of Blue Lagoon for the Lifetime Network. I wonder if they are changing the story anymore. I'll just assume Blue Lagoon is once again a story of two cousins who get shipwrecked, kiss and hump on each other, and have an inbred baby. That's called a "romantic adventure" movie.
Instead of squeezing every last nickel out of a magazine for exclusive photos of her son, Hillary Duff posted this photo of her son Luca Cruz on Twitter. Weird, I thought celebrities treated their children as uncashed lottery tickets. Just wait for the hoopla surrounding Jessica Simpson's baby. I have a feeling she'll auction off vials of her amniotic fluid and her placenta on eBay. I have to say, Luca Cruz is a cute kid but then they are all cute and then they grow up to be a jaded Xangan
Oh, Coco...I like a nice booty as much as the next guy but this isn't doing anything for me. I'm expecting that dress to burst at any moment because the fabric can't handle her breathing. Oh and never wear horizontal stripes.
Christopher Walken turned 69 this week. He is a fine actor and a wonderful dancer. I guess my Christopher Walken impersonation is best typed out. He was also spotted by TMZ buying lottery tickets last weekend. When they caught up with him they asked what he'd do with half a billion dollars. Walken said he'd buy a yacht. You know, he's only worth $30million so he needs the lottery winnings to help buy a yacht. #GetChristopherWalkenayacht
Christie Brinkley was photographed this week. She's 58. Just saying. fap fap fap fap
Chris Brown was out shopping for a new car this week. He settled on a new Range Rover. He said he bought it because of the combination of sportiness, versatility, and roomy interior which provides full range of motion when punching the woman in the passenger seat. No more weak Lamborghini jabs. We're talking Range Rover haymakers, people!
I heard a voicemail this week on Sunday that featured Chevy Chase cussing at the creator and producer of Community, Dan Harmon. Apparently it wasn't a joke because Chevy and Dan Harmon have had problems since shooting wrapped up for the season on Community. Chevy had a meltdown and stormed off the set. Chevy showed up with his wife and daughter at the wrap party and Dan lead the cast and crew in a chant that was simply, "Fuck you, Chevy." Chevy left and then he left the voicemail
. Chevy is a notorious asshole but chanting that in front of his family is another thing. Well Dan Harmon took to Tumblr to write an apology. Read it here and remember he writes for a living so he comes off as sincere, calls himself an asshole, admits to alcoholism, and assures us that Community is not in jeopardy. Read it here
. I bet Pierce will be killed off.
Bruce Willis' girlfriend Emma Hemming gave birth to a baby girl this week. The baby weighed 9lbs and was named Mabel Ray. Wow, 9lbs, I wonder how much of that is chin weight, the chin being the prominent feature of all of Bruce's children. I once knew a Mabel Ray. She was a bar owner and bartender. She then worked at a chocolate factory and as a cashier at a liquor store and as my babysitter.
Ashton Kutcher has been signed to play Steve Jobs in a movie titled Jobs. Why do we need another movie about Steve Jobs? I thought the one with Noah Wylie was enough. I wonder if this movie will go straight to Flash. Why did they get Ashton Kutcher? Now like Macs, everyone's eyes will be infected by his taint. Oh and just think of all the fun that people will have with the movie posters that will feature Ashton's face and the word "Jobs".
Amanda Bynes turned 26 this week and she celebrated it in memorable fashion. Since Lindsay Lohan pressed pause on her felony foolishness, another former child star has to fill the void. Enter Amanda. The reports are that Amanda tried passing a police car at 3AM on Friday morning and she ended up sideswiping the police car. The cops pulled her over and deemed her unfit to be driving. She was hauled in and held on $5000 bail. Earlier this month, Amanda was pulled over by police for talking on her cellphone and actually drove off before the police officer finished writing her ticket. She resolved that by signing the ticket at the police station. I think Agent Cody Banks needs to come and rescue this mess. Hitting a cop car when you're drunk is pretty low but she has to look on the bright side, she didn't sideswipe KITT from Knight Rider or Christine, a '58 Plymouth Fury from Stephen King's novel. And because she just sideswiped a police car, she's still alive to receive her title as the new Lindsay Lohan. Congratulations, Amanda! I bet all the ladies in D-block were happy to see you and loved your new hair.
Alec Baldwin turned 54 this week and his celebration was more subdued than Amanda Bynes'. Alec got engaged to his 28 year old yoga trainer Hilaria Thomas. Hilaria? Is that the plural form of "hilarious"? Well if it is, then Alec has found the perfect woman because it seems like all his relationships end in hilarious fashion.
This is Wilmer Valderama and he officially doesn't give a shit about anything anymore because he's wearing a mesh shirt in public. He's grown cocky after nailing so many Hollywood starlets, Minka Kelly being the latest. Wearing mesh in public? If you make fun of him, he'll nail your mom and sister and then won't call them back. He's that cocky.
Tim Tebow was photographed getting a manicure and pedicure this week in preparation for giving a sermon at a megachurch for a Good Friday service. I was in the ministry and I never thought that having sparkly fingernails and toenails made me speak any better. Maybe the mani-pedi will help him throw a football better.
Tara Reid has been promoting the new American Pie movie and she was asked about all the plastic surgery she has had and she got pretty upset. She said that most everyone has had plastic surgery. I know I haven't had plastic surgery. Have you? Maybe Tara will have to go consult with Dr. McGillicuddy and his partners Drs. Jack, Jim, and Jose.
OK, I want to apologize. I guess I've been posting a lot of half naked females in some of my posts and I've been neglecting my female readers. I guess my loneliness has been breaking through in my posts. Anyway, I offer these gifts. I would've posted half-
naked photos of myself but I don't think any of you want to see that. I'd probably lose half my followers if I did that. This is Michael Fassbender. He turned 35 this week. He has complained about one of his recent movies taking out a scene featuring his penis. Yeah so I imagine all of you will be running out to see that movie.
Marky Mark Wahlberg, hamburger entrepreneur, actor, musician, and terrorist killing machine, is busy filming a Michael Bay movie in Florida. I bet hurricanes and police officers feel pretty foolish since Marky Mark's in town. Police officers can go back to eating donuts and hurricanes can back to the Caribbean because nothing goes down on Marky Mark's watch. He's a 5'5" superhero who cleaned the streets of Boston by hurling rocks and racial insults at a bus of African American children on a field trip and beating Vietnamese men with a stick until they are permanently blinded. To be honest, I'm actually frightened by this guy. Since, at my tallest, I was nearly a foot taller than this douche, he'd probably want to beat me up because I'm bigger than him. Just stay in your houses if Marky Mark is on the loose.
Robert Downey Jr. turned 47 this week. He's enjoying a resurgence in popularity. He went through that long spell where he wasn't in anything and some people thought he was dead and then he was everywhere. I think Zodiac was the movie that brought him back to prominence. Either that or Kiss Kiss Bang Bang or Good Night, and Good Luck. Anyway, this is for the ladies.
Ryan Gosling is such a better man than I. He makes millions for acting and can stop fights and now he's a real life hero. A British journalist, Laurie Penny(I wonder if she's a James Bond character), walked off the curb and a speeding taxi was heading her way while she was looking the other way. Ryan pulled her out of the way and the whole time he was wearing a Canadian tuxedo. Laurie went to Twitter with it, of course: "I literally, LITERALLY just got saved from a car by Ryan Gosling. Literally. That actually just happened. I was crossing 6th avenue in a new pink wig. Not looking the right way because I am from London. Ryan Gosling grabbed me away from a taxi. He did not say 'hey, girl.' He said 'hey, watch out!' Identity of no-idea-if-actually-a-manarchist-but-definitely-a-decent-sort Ryan Gosling confirmed by girl near me, who said 'you lucky bitch' Confession: I did a double-double-take because, initially, I thought it was @jedweightman. Then realised Jed would not wear double denim." I sort of want to know how she paid him for saving her life. I bet he made her his slave like and The Brady Bunch. That whole incident was almost a real-life remake of Closer. I bet Hollywood is salivating over the movie rights to this story but hopefully without all the denim but then since he's a better guy than myself all the denim must be cool.
I couldn't resist. Courtney Stodden and I wish you all a happy Easter. Have a great weekend and a blessed Easter.