So my afternoon...I had to pick up a friend and take him to an auto repair shop to pick up his pick-up. After I did that I decided to water all my plants. I think I am over my head as far as how many I have. I was on my knees clearing out some weeds and looking at new shoots in my raspberry patch and my knees suck. Did you know it's painful when you have no cartilage in your knees and you have all your weight resting on them? This won't end well. The worst part was whoever rolled up my hose at the end of last season (me) did a shoddy job and I had to spend about 20 minutes undoing knots and kinks. Then the watering...fun times. My friend shows up with his chainsaw and we cut down some limbs from my apple trees and an elm tree that sprouted and shot up outside my front window in my living room. Well we had to load his pick-up twice to make two trips to the compost heap. Then after that I went to a diner and had a fish fry. So good. I came how and watched The Little Rascals. And I wonder why I am alone. I was going to have a contest on Xanga to help me for tomorrow but I lost track of time and I'll suffer alone. I was going to do "Who wants to win a date with GodfatherofGreenBay" and I was basically going to turn it into one of those stupid VH1 dating shows like Flava of Love. I hate going to weddings alone and especially weddings of family because I am hit with so many questions about why I'm not married. I just want to drink free beer and not answer stupid questions. Oh well, you have stopped reading this so on to the round-up.
NSFW and NSFL
This is Zhang Ziyi. She is a Chinese actress who has been in many movies including Hidden Tiger Crouching Dragon, Hero, Memoirs of a Geisha, House of Flying Daggers, and who can forget her greatest work to date Rush Hour 2. She was supposed to be at the Cannes Film Festival but the Chinese government forbade her from going because they are investigating her as part of a prostitution ring. A high ranking official in the Chinese government supposedly handed over nearly $1million to have sex with Zhang on ten separate occasions. And she was also forced to have sex with other influential men in China for large amounts of cash. They are claiming that over the course of 10 years, Zhang has made over $100million from having sex with the elite of China. A statement was released later this week that firmly denies all the accusations. I don't know what to think. I have a feeling that she did sleep with all those men but I don't think she pocketed the money. I have a feeling that she was pushed by a film company or maybe even the Chinese government to get the cash. But if the accusations are true then Zhang joins the ranks of Hollywood hookers like Lindsay Lohan, Victoria Silverstedt, and Megan Fox.
This year Guns N Roses was supposed to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame but Axl Rose declined and didn't show up. This prompted guitarist Slash to say that the original line-up of GNR will never reunite and if they do, he won't be a part of it. "I've been entertaining the idea for other people for years, but it's never been my inclination to get back together. Given the opportunity for us all to show up in one place, that was the only reasonable platform for us to do it, and it didn't happen. I'm really sick to death of even entertaining the concept." Axl still performs under the name Guns N Roses but he is the only original member of that band. It's sort of sad they can't resolve things and do one more performance but then people will keep begging for more plus Axl Rose is a big douche and who wants to perform with a douche? So Slash says they're never getting back together. Hmmm I probably could've told you that in 1997.
This is a promotional shot for Rihanna's new perfume called Nude. I hear that it smells like what you'd expect Rihanna to smell like: sweat, weed, vodka, and condonation of domestic violence.
Sad news, everyone, Paris Hilton and Afrojack have broken up. I don't want to live in a world where a couple named Paris and Afrojack can't last. Sources claim that Afrojack broke up with Paris because he thought things were moving too quickly. Well she is 31 and hasn't been married and her arch-nemesis, She Who Must Not Be Named with the Huge Ass, has already been married twice. Paris is feeling the burn and not just from the multiple STDs she hosts. I also figure Afrojack didn't like the idea of celebrating their two month anniversary by negotiating the distribution rights to their sextape. But a friend of Afrojack's said that they never broke up because they were never dating. I guess that makes sense but poor Paris. I guess if she gets desperate this German would be willing to invade her and march through her Arc de Triumphe.
Lil Wayne wanted to go see a playoff game between the Oklahoma City Thunder and the San Antonio Spurs. HE claims that he was denied entrance into the game but representatives from the Seattle Supersonics
OKC Thunder say that Lil Wayne was not denied entrance. He simply did not have tickets and wanted courtside seats but they were all sold out so there was nothing they could do. Some people have said this is racist. I guess calling up the day of an NBA playoff game to get courtside tickets for a game with the most rabid fanbase in the NBA and being told they were sold out is racist now. I guess being sold out and not having any available seats is racist.
Kristen Stewart was at a premiere for her new movie Snow White and the Seven Sparkly Vampire Wolfmen. It appears as if her breasts are trying to escape from her dress and her horrible persona. You know I've often wondered why she always seems like she's constantly pissed off. 99% of her photos she has the same expression and she always looks pissed. I have three theories. 1. She doesn't like smiling because she's worried there's something in or on her teeth. 2. She thinks all of this publicity is for the birds and wishes people would let her be and let her act in peace. 3. She's an asshole. I bet it's #3 and if being rich and famous is a burden to her, I'll take over. I don't think I'd look good in that dress however.
This is a shot from Katy Perry's new 3D movie about her tour and performances. You know, she looks really good without the face plaster.
Well I think the real news this week is that Justin Bieber's balls finally dropped. TMZ reported that Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez were shopping at a mall in California and a paprazzo was taking photos of them but he wouldn't move out of the way so Justin got out of his car and struck the cameraman and then left. The pussy photographer claimed that he was having chest pains and couldn't use his camera any more. He was probably palpitating because of all the dollar signs he saw flashing before his eyes once Bieber laid hands on him. Now the police are calling it misdemeanor battery and are seeking Bieber for questioning. To me, this is like studios seeking out Lindsay Lohan for acting advice. Witnesses say that a man claiming to be a lawyer appeared on scene and urged the man to file charges. You know, this could turn into some Legend of Billie Jean
stuff. Speaking of that, Bieber does sort of look like her. After being released from the hospital, the photographer went to a candy shop to get himself a lollipop. He sat down on a bench outside the candy shop to enjoy his lollipop but right as he was about to start eating it an 8 year old came and took. If you're a grown man and complain of having chest pain after Justin Bieber shoves you then you probably aren't good at making up believable lies. I mean if I checked out Selena Gomez and started making out with her in front of Bieber, he'd probably start crying when I tell him to beat and then he'd hit me with his scarf.
Lately it seems like celebrities have taken to Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook to debut photos of their newborns. So it warms my money loving heart to know that Jessica Simpson pimped out her baby for $800,000 so People could publish exclusive photos of Maxwell Drew who looks so young for being a 5 year old. Who knew Jessica's womb was the location of the fountain of youth. Jessica said that she delivered via c-section and that when they broke her water, Jonah came surfing out and then went to preach to Nineveh. All in all, People lost a lot of money. First they had to pay $800,000 for a few photos and then all the money they needed to photoshop that cover. And now begins her work with Weight Watchers, the work that is netting her $4million. A source close to Weight Watchers said that Jessica is breast-feeding so she has to keep her nutrition in mind and will have to cut out her favorite pregnancy snacks of Pop Tarts and macaroni and cheese. They also say she has to cut down on fastfood. That's like when I get McDonald's from the drivethru and I eat all the food in the bag and then find fries at the bottom of the bag and save them for ten minutes after I finish my meal.
Do you remember the TV show Small Wonder
? I used to love that show. It was about a guy who worked with robots and designed a robot modeled after a real human girl and how his family tried to pass her off as a real human. It was campy but enjoyable. Well this fellow was on that show. His name is Jerry Suripan. He played Jamie Lawson
on that show. He recently told the National Enquirer that he's broke, jobless, and living under a bridge. Jerry said he lost all his money from the show through a shady financial adviser and a stripper. Why is it always a stripper? He had been working as a waiter at a steakhouse in Nevada for 15 years but the place closed and he hasn't been able to get work for the past two years. Why can't he get on Dancing with the Has Beens? They had Urkel, why not Jamie Lawson? Why can't they get him to be on The Celebrity Apprentice? I'm sure he knows how to make blockbuster deals living under that bridge. Why can't we get President Obama to sign an 80s child star bailout bill?
This is Jamie Lynn Spears. I forgot she was alive. She posted this photo of herself in a bikini on Twitter this week with her sister because there's no way that girl could be a daughter to a girl who just turned 21. Wait a minute...
Jake "The Snake" Roberts turned 57 this week. Jake was always one of my favorite wrestlers in the WWF no matter if he was a good guy or a bad guy. Some of my most memorable wrestling memories involve Jake Roberts. There was the time where Ravishing Rick Rude was dancing in the ring and would bring women in the ring for a kiss but one woman refused and it turned out she was Jake's wife. Well no one refused a Ravishing Rick Rude kiss so he planted one on her anyway. Jake came out and kicked his ass. The next week Rude came to the ring wearing a pair of tights that had a picture of Jake's wife on his crotch. That didn't set well with Jake who came out and told Rude that if he wore those tights once again, he'd come out and rip them off of him so he'd have to run to the back naked. Well Rude wore them and sure enough Jake the Snake came out and ripped off Rude's tights and he had to scramble to cover up and run to the back. Then there was the time Jake the Snake was fighting with The Model Rick Martel. Martel was claiming he invented the best perfume known to the wrestling world and during a match Martel sprayed Jake in the face and it blinded him. Jake had to fight blind for a few weeks and he ended up winning despite his temporary handicap. Oh and then there was the time when he pulled his python, Damion, out of his burlap sack and sacred Andre the Giant, who ended up having a heart attack on account of actually being afraid of snakes. Then there was the time Jake was wrestling Earthquake and Earthquake didn't like snakes so he tied up Jake in the ring ropes and brought Damion inside his sack into the ring and then did his finishing move, the Earthquake squat, on the bag. That was such a powerful move. It broke Hulk Hogan's ribs! Jake was devastated at the loss of his snake and they showed him crying. I think I cried right along with Jake. But I think my most memorable Jake the Snake memory was the time he spoiled Macho Man Randy Savage's wedding. Macho Man had been managed by a woman named Elizabeth and after a long time separated from her, Macho Man proposed to her in the ring. Well they planned to get married at the Summerslam pay-per-view. They had an in-ring wedding ceremony and it was so romantic. I don't know why more girls don't want to get married in the middle of wrestling rings. Then they had a reception in the locker room. Macho Man got to open the presents and he came to the one from Jake the Snake. He lifted the top of the box and yelled as a cobra bit him. Jake gave the happy couple a pet cobra and everybody was upset because it bit Macho Man. then Jake came out with a couple of other guys and attacked Macho Man for not liking his present. Then they wrestled another time and Jake had the Macho Man tied up in the ropes and he had that cobra bite Macho Man repeatedly. God, I am such a dork.
You can never hold back true love. Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris are back together despite their break-up and her going on the Howard Stern show to say she sold the $90,000 ring Hef gave her and that they only had sex once and she was repulsed by the ordeal. Well Crystal sat around the phone for a few months and realized there were no offers for her so she got back with Hugh. I guess she missed the smell of Fixodent and Bengay. A source close to Hef said that Crystal begged him to take her back and despite being left at the altar Hugh has no hard feelings for her but when she moved in his new girlfriend, Shera Berchard, moved out. Some of the Bunnies claim that he's gone deaf from using too much Viagra so he probably didn't hear a single thing Crystal said but just watched her boobs jiggle. God, I wish I had his life. She's desperately trying to get another cover of Playboy but the romantic in me says it's all true love.
Gary Busey was spotted this week enjoying an ice cream cone. If any of you have followed me for some time you'll remember my fascination with girls enjoying ice cream cones. Well after seeing this photo I no longer consider eating ice cream cones to be a sexy thing.
Gabrielle Union was spotted in Miami this week. It's quite obvious she has a time machine and took the photographer back to 1995. What, that's what she looks like now as a 39 year old? BURN HER! She's a witch!
I didn't know if I should've written about this but I found it fascinating. Tyler Shields is an alleged controversial photographer because of his signature. He butchers overpriced luxury items
. This photo has generated a lot of buzz. Tyler took photos of his girlfriend Francesca Eastwood, daughter of Clint Eastwood, destroying a $100,000 Birkin bag with a chainsaw and fire. Tyler posted these photos on his website but Francesca received threats on Twitter. Here are some of the gems: "Some of us actually have to work and live check 2 check, spoiled rotten bitch to burn 100k bag." "You’re a stupid whore. How fucking dumb can you be." "You should kill urself, ungrateful bitch – wasted money when families can't eat." I sort of see the anger because $100,000 is a lot of money to set fire to and carve with a chainsaw but I sort of get what he's saying with his signature...we're so fixated on name brand luxury items but they're just things. But that doesn't excuse anyone from throwing out death threats through Twitter. I just wished Francesca answered all the hate tweets with, "Go ahead, punk, make my day." And while I am talking about the Eastwood family, her father, Clint, turned 82 this week. That's sort of shocking to me but then most of the things of Eastwood's that I watch are from when he was much younger.
A while back Matthew Fox(right) was accused of kicking a woman in the crotch and punching her in the breasts because she wouldn't allow him on a private booze cruise bus. Well those charges were dropped this week but Fox's co-star on Lost, Dominic Monaghan, claims that Fox has a problem beating women. A girl messaged Monaghan on Twitter saying he should convince Fox to start an account but Monaghan replied, ""he beats women. No thanks." The girl replied, "I KNOW IT WAS WRONG BUT WHAT?! WHAT ABOUT ALL THOSE GOOD TIMES YOU HAD TOGETHER?!" Monaghan replied, "how do you know we ever did?you don't know either of us.he beats women.not isolated incidents.often.not interested." Then another user chimed in and said, "Spreading an accusation that EVEN eww-TMZ didn't make... How classy. Hope Matthew Fox sues you for defamation" And Monaghan replied, "an accusation is when you"claim" someone did something wrong.i know.but hey little fan girl maybe want to get slapped ... and it's very difficult to sue someone for speaking the truth. Have you received an education dear?" Fuck Matthew Fox. See this shit bothers me. Here I am alone and ready to start a Xanga contest just so I can get myself a date that will be the most awkward thing ever and I can't get female attention outside the internet to save my soul and this shithead goes around punching and kick women and from what a co-star says these aren't isolated incidents. Fuck Matthew Fox. I hear Chris Brown took down a tweet saying that Matthew Fox seemed like a stand-up guy.
David Beckham posed for the UK issue of Elle this week. I was sort of intrigued by this photo because his nipples are more prominent than his eyes. Where the hell are his eyes?
There you go ladies. Feast your eyes on Collin Farrell. He turned 36 this week. You know it seems like he hasn't worked in ages but I guess he's in the remake of Total Recall so maybe that will spark his career unlike his sextape. See, kids, not every celebrity sextape is successful. Just ask Collin, AmericanAlien, Montana Fishburne, and Mindy McCready.
Remember this guy? Bobcat Goldthwait. Man he was big in the 80s. I can probably only remember the Police Academy movies, the one movie he did with Whoopi Goldberg, and then one with a horse called Hot to Trot. I know he does comedy but he seemingly has fallen off the map. Oh...he turned 50 this week.
Andy Griffith turned 86 this week. I used to love watching The Andy Griffith Show but I'm seeing it less and less on TV as networks are rushing to put newer shows on the air for syndication. This show was just so great. At age 86 I bet Andy is still solving crimes all without carrying a gun.
Coco and Ice-T were out being patriotic on Memorial Day. I'm saluting her patriotic endeavors right now.
Amanda Bynes does not know how to drive. How can she still be on the road? Police reports came out that she was involved in yet ANOTHER hit and run. Amanda clipped another car on a freeway in California and sped off. The victim followed her but Amanda gave her the slip when Amanda ran a red light. The victim wrote down the license plate and reported it to police. Seriously, Amanda needs to take driver's ed. especially with the driver's ed. teacher I had. She was a 70 year old woman that had terrible gas. She farted the whole class period. She'd be standing at the front of the classroom and she'd rip left and right. It was awful but I paid attention and learned all I needed to know about driving because I didn't want to have to take that class again. Also, get this, the teacher demanded a conference with my parents because she thought I was smoking and said my voice was too deep and raspy for a teenage boy and I had to be a heavy smoker to sound the way I do. She demanded that my mom drive 70 miles to come accuse me of smoking. At that point in my life I think I had only smoked one or two cigarettes. Anyway, the driver identified Amanda based on her mugshot from her DUI. So Amanda is busted for DUI, inattentive driving, and hit and run plus she had another hit and run thrown out because the police thought she had a legitimate excuse for not knowing she hit the other car. How can Amanda still have insurance? Well she is still out on the streets so pedestrians in California...BEWARE!
I hope everyone has a great weekend. Please comment. I need validation.