So I'm starting this as the guy is walking across Niagara Falls. Round up.
NSFW and NSFL
Snooki was recently interviewed about her pregnancy. She said she plans on naming her baby boy Lorenzo and calling him Enzo for short and that's fitting since Snooki and the baby's father are very short. She said she also gave up drinking wine because she didn't want her baby to come out with three legs...is that a dig that he'll have a small penis? Then the interviewer asked her if she planned on breastfeeding her child. Snooki said this: "I'm just scared. My friend did and she said it was so painful…but I definitely want to pump because it's the best nutrients for the baby. It's kind of like you're a cow and you're just milking." I've milked cows and I bet it's not as traumatizing as milking Snooki's udders. It's not like the baby could ever breastfeed anyway since her body is so filled with vodka that all the milk she'd produce would make White Russians.
Even though she was in a skit on Funny or Die parodying the book 50 Shades of Grey, Selena Gomez isn't open to bondage. She claims she started reading the book because of the skit and she thought it started off spicy but she couldn't make it through. In her defense, 50 Shades of Grey is a big leap from the Goosebumps series. I'm sort of happy for Justin Bieber's sake that she didn't finish the book. Something tells me he'd end up wearing a ball gag in their relationship and on more than one occasion he'd say, "But Master Gomez, I know you like putting the bottle of maple syrup in my ass but why did you have to buy it at Sam's Club?"
And this is a tweet about Selena's boyfriend, Justin Bieber. This is why I'm afraid for the future.
Rivers Cuomo turned 42 this week. Thank god for his geek rock.
Ray Bradbury passed away last week at the age of 91. He was a master of science fiction and perhaps his most famous novel and what may be one of the best sci-fi novels ever written is Fahrenheit 451
. I remember reading that book in my sophomore English class and it really was quite the experience. Bradbury will be greatly missed.
I know I put out a pulse about this because I was saddened by his passing. Henry Hill passed away this week at the age of 69. The movie "Goodfellas" is based on his life. He lived such as fascinating life. He got involved with the mob at a young age and then was involved with the Lucchese family in the 1970s. His most memorable crime was the theft of $5million from the Lufthansa hanger at JFK Airport in New York. He was arrested in 1980 and turned state's witness and then he was put in witness protection but was expelled in the early 90s for drug activity. He then went into hiding but it was some of the worst hiding possible because he did many public appearances including speaking at schools about his life in the mob and marketing his own spaghetti sauce and chain of restaurants. While I'm convinced that Hill will be missed by a lot of people I am sure there are many out there that are celebrating his death.
If you thought Paris Hilton has been on vacation for the past few years, well you're dead wrong because Paris has said she's been going around the world to research different kinds of music for her new album. She says it will be dance music and electropop. I get it, Paris, you're trying to get us to love you but it won't happen...EVER. The reason we don't like you isn't because of your lack of talent but it's because you flaunt it as if it's cool to be a hacky, self-promoting, no-talent ass clown. Everything you do or touch turns to crap yet you keep on going and going much like the Energizer Bunny if it had a saggy eye, herpes, sex tape, and no gag reflex. Even that sex tape you owe this thing you call a career to was boring. Even She Who Must Not Be Named With the Big Ass had a more enjoyable tape. Paris, you should go away. You had you chance at fame and you blew it in more ways than one. Now let the next generation of trust fund babies have a turn at humiliating themselves and their families.
You probably aren't reading this because your eyes have shut themselves at the sight of Octomom. Well still shots have been circulating promoting her self-love porn movie. The movie will be called Octomom: Home Alone and will be released sometime next week. There's something sad about a woman double clicking her mouse on camera so she can put a roof over the heads of her 14 kids. I hope this gets her financial relief.
Bryan Singer, who directed The Usual Suspects, and Bryan Fuller, who created Pushing Daisies, are working together on a reboot of The Munsters for NBC. The project is titled Mockingbird Lane. Eddie Izzard will be playing Grandpa Munster, Mason Cook will be Eddie, Charity Wakefield will be Marilyn, Jerry O'Connell is Herman, and Portia De Rossi will be Lily. Someone got their hands on a copy of the script for the pilot episode and they claim this show will be nothing like the original. It is no an hour long drama instead of a half hour campy comedy. Bryan Fuller described it as Real Housewives of Transylvania and American Horror Story for the family. This sounds weird to me but I suppose I could get into it.
Everyone's favorite whiny uncle, Morrissey, announced this week that he plans on retiring from music in two years. He has been in the music industry for 30+ years and he's going to retire at the age of 55. And of course Morrissey couldn't make an announcement without getting political: "I am slightly shocked to have gone as far as I have. This is my 30th year, and I've aged a lot recently, which is bit distressing for me, as it must be for everyone. The body changes shape and there's nothing you can do about it. Do I continue as a modern day Andy Williams? I take one hour at a time. We will all probably be blown up by the Syrian government soon, anyway, so it hardly matters in the great scheme of things." What, does he think that the scent of BenGay doesn't belong at a concert? Iggy Pop performed at Henry the 8th's crowning and he's still going strong so what is Morrissey complaining about? Steven Tyler performed at the grand opening of the pyramids in Egypt. This isn't how Morrissey should quit. I was expecting him to quit because someone was drinking non-vegan beer at one of his concerts. OK, he can retire just as long as he keeps say bitchy things.
Miley Cyrus put out this photo on Twitter. You know, I'd be staring at boobs too. I'd also be giving them that same look that says, "You best stay in your place and not try to escape." Also it's time to get out the fancy shopping carts at the Piggly Wiggly to stock up on Doritos, Mountain Dew, and Twinkies and also make sure that the possums are fattened because we're gonna have us a wedding. Miley is now engaged to Liam Hemsworth. I' surprised that Liam being an up and coming movie star is going to settle down with a 19 year old hillbilly. I don't think he knows that's he going to have an awkward encounter with Billy Ray in a dark corner of the barn when Billy Ray gives him a brand of the Cyrus family crest which happens to be the mudflap girl
breastfeeding a possum while sitting on top of a Mountain Dew NASCAR. I seem to think this is a fake story because I was in Big Lots and Walmart and Dollar Tree and didn't see their wedding registry.
German model Micaela Schäfer had a photo shoot declaring her love for Germany's soccer team and to show her support for the team as they play in the Euro Cup. Well I guess I'm now pulling for Germany.
This week Mark-Paul Gosslar destroyed my childhood. Now that he's on some critically acclaimed (no critics have acclaimed it) and Emmy award winning (it hasn't won any Emmys) show called Franklin & Bash he feels that he can go around shitting all over Saved by the Bell. I have not seen Franklin & Bash and the only think I think it's been good for is giving me a masturbation euphemism "Bash my Franklin". He said this: "It’s not a great show. The writing is kind of hokey… it’s very much a piece of that time. It taught me to have a strong work ethic, and to take it very seriously. Even though we had fun, the one thing the producers instilled in us is that this is a business. You can still have all your fun, but you have to do your job, and then you can reap all the benefits at the end." Saved by the Bell had it all...oil discovered on a football field, jheri curl mullets, graffiti surfer pants, overexcited people addicted to caffeine pills, The Sprain, a funeral for a chameleon, Malibu Sands, silk shirts, and Kelly Kapowski. What more could you want from a TV series? All I have to say to Zach Morris is, "Shut it, preppy!"
These are some photos of Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor. I don't see Elizabeth Taylor at all. I see Joan Crawford coming from beyond the grave to beat Lifetime Network with a wire hanger. I guess the Liz & Dick costume designer doesn't feel that way because this is what he said when he first saw Lindsay as Elizabeth: "There was an audible gasp. You’d swear it was Elizabeth. She just walked into the clothes and became Elizabeth Taylor." I'm sure that audible gasp was the same sort of audible gasp I made when I rolled my car off a 30ft cliff. Lindsay was rushed to a hospital on Friday after she was found unconscious in her room but TMZ is reporting that Lindsay had been shooting for two straight days without sleep and a friend could not wake her up so they called 911 and paramedics responded but found nothing wrong with Lindsay and she said she was just suffering from exhaustion. It's amazing when people with strenuous jobs such as truck drivers, teachers, factory workers, police officers, and firefighters don't suffer from this mystery condition called exhaustion that seems to afflict actors and actresses with drug problems. I guess it shows us that reading lines and having people cater to your every whim is a lot harder than we thought. Actors and actresses are the real backbone of our society, people.
Porn star James Deen is set to star in a movie with future porn star Lindsay Lohan. The movie is called The Canyons, a movie written by Bret Easton Ellis, the guy who gave us Less than Zero and American Psycho. The movie is described by Ellis as: "The Canyons documents five twenty-something's quest for power, love, sex and success in 2012 Hollywood." Well I'm sure Lindsay has all of that down but the twenty-something...I don't know. I'm sure she'll love to hop on James Deen and his 9 inch appendage. So the star of Herbie Fully Loaded will be in a movie with the star of Big Wet Asses 20. Hopefully this hits Cinemax After Dark better known as Skinemax because pay per view is too expensive. Nothing makes me happier than former child stars having to resort to porn to make ends meet. I hear Lindsay is going to work on a new series with James after The Canyons finishes shooting. It will be the Anal Delinquents trilogy which has been in development far too long if you ask me. Yes, Lindsay's dreaming of winning an Oscar but we should try to convince her that an AVN award is just as prestigious but more fun to earn.
I was about ready to admit Vanessa Bryant into the gold digging hall of fame because she was set to get 3 mansions and $150million in a divorce settlement with Kobe Bryant but I will have to revoke her membership because TMZ is reporting that friends of the couple say they are trying to save their marriage. They have until Monday to sign the papers and if they don't then they have to re-file for divorce. How can they repair a marriage? Their marriage died because Kobe stuck his dick in anything with a pulse. I guess the best way to get the marriage fixed is to neuter Kobe and his finances would be neutered. Hopefully he's wearing a cup around her. Kobe was trying to break Wilt Chamberlain's records and not his NBA scoring record but his scoring record with women. Vanessa has it all figured out because Kobe's still earning a lot of money. Why settle for $150million when in a few years she could have $200 to $250million.
Kendra Wilkinson turned 27 this week. I'm actually surprised she's made it this long not because of her sexual exploits but because she's dumber than a box of rocks. Kendra also took time this week to announce that she was retiring from Playboy and nudity. My first thought when I heard that was, "How is she going to shower?" She said there is more to being nude and won't do such things on her new reality show Kendra on Top. I don't think she thought this through. She's going to try to promote this show on her talent and personality and not her tits or ass. I seem to remember it written in the good book: "Thou shalt not cover thine boobies and nalgas once thou hast borne thine labia upon the sheets of ye old Playboy." I bet you didn't know I was a scholar and had translated the Dead Sea Scrolls.
Because it's small and finishes faster than Michael Phelps, Katy Perry hates my penis and is now covering her chest while in public. OK so maybe that's not "covered" but it is by her standards which usually have 85% of the breast exposed. Here we Katy dressed as a music artist from the 1920s who was created by a record label and is overexposed and can't sing. Hmmm not much has changed.
Johnny Depp turned 49 this week. Have you ever noticed that in the past decade all his roles are the same? I mean every single role is pretty much the same except for the accent he uses to present dialogue. It's really creepy.
A few weeks ago I wrote about Joey Lawrence signing a contract to be a part of a Chippendale's show. From Blossom to stripping for Chippendale's. I wonder how Blossom and Six feel about this. I also wonder how many women screamed "WHOA!" when he was dancing.
Now that Jenny McCarthy is done running her mouth about vaccines and causing the deaths of many children
, Jenny McCarthy has decided to pose for Playboy once again. July will hereby be known as "How Jenny McCarthy Got Famous Month" because she will bare all for the July issue. She was on the Today show and they asked if she planned on showing off everything and Jenny responded, "What's everything? I mean I grew out a bush so nobody sees anything." If only she could grow a bush over her mouth.
Drew Barrymore got married last weekend to a man named Will Kopelman, the son of a former CEO of Chanel. Drew has been married twice before and has been engaged two other times all of which lasted a total of 1 year COMBINED. She's over thirty and pregnant, and this guy has buckets of his father's money. I assume she'll make this one last. Oh wait, congrats to the happy couple.
In case you were wondering if Don Rickles was still alive and telling racist jokes you can now rest easily because the answer is "YES". The 86 year old Rickles obviously still thinks it's 1950 because this week he was at a the American Film Institute's tribute to Shirley McClaine. Rickles went into his routine and said this: "I shouldn’t make fun of the blacks, President Obama is a personal friend of mine. He was over to the house yesterday, but the mop broke." What kind of mop does Rickles have? What sort of mop breaks? He needs to get one of those Swiffer Wet Jets. I figure in 60 years people will be saying "How dare he" when they read this blog.
Diablo Cody turned 34 this week. Most of you probably know her as the writer behind movies such as Juno, The United States of Tara, and Jennifer's Body. I remember her best from her days stripping and working in peep shows at Sex World in Minneapolis.
This is a first shot from the new season of Dexter that will be hitting the airwaves in a couple months. It takes up where the previous season left off. I think it's going to be a pretty good season and we may get some of the storylines from the book series now. I hope that gun Debra's holding shoots confetti or a white flag that says "BANG!"
TNT launched a reboot of the TV series Dallas this week and all I can say is FUCK YEAH! It was really good.
Coco was spotted riding a bike this week and shortly after this photo was snapped the 8th wonder of the world, her ass, swallowed that bike seat whole. Rest in peace, bike seat. You're in a much better place now.
Tommy Chong says he has been diagnosed with prostate cancer and he says he plans on fighting it with hemp oil and marijuana so he will fight all the harder for legalization of marijuana. He also claims that his three year stint in jail made him drug free and that is what progressed the cancer. He claims that if he kept on smoking weed, he wouldn't have gotten cancer. I'm no Dr. Quinn medicine woman but I'm pretty sure that treating cancer with just marijuana can't be good. I wish him the best.
In an ironic turn of events, Chris Brown was blindsided by a woman and not the other way around and not with fists.
Every time I see her I hear this song playing:
We all know Britney Spears suffers from a laundry list of mental health disorders such as bulimia, chronic halitosis, histrionic personality disorder, ADD, and breaking into spontaneous British accents. Well Britney is giving the producers of The X-Factors fits because of her ADD. Her medicine is apparently not working and she has about a ten second attention span. Well they should get a feather on a string or a ball of tinfoil so bat around. It worked for my cats, my grandmas, my blue car, Laverne and Shirley and whenever Carmine comes on screen and he says the Big Ragoo is here I think he's say the Big Gay Jew is here. Where was I? She is the trailer park queen.
Wow, Ben Stiller sure has let himself go. Yes, that's Ben Stiller but that's prostheses and make-up on the set of a movie adaptation of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. That was supposed to be made years ago with Jim Carey in the titular role but now it's Stiller. I hope it's good. Apparently when they got him in for make-up they did computer testing to figure out what he'd look like when he was old and that is it. He must take after his mother because he doesn't look like his dad Jerry
Angelina Jolie has been approached to direct the big screen version of 50 Shades of Grey. I think this is just a rumor but it seems plausible. The Angelina of 10 years ago would've proudly directed that mess of a mom creamer book. She was a proud freak who let everyone know she kept a ball gag in her back pocket. I don't think that movie could happen. From what I've read it's pure crap. It's like 9 1/2 Weeks for the Twilight set. If anyone should direct it it's Shannon Tweed and that mess will have to air on Skinemax.
Back in January, star of 16 and Pregnant, Amber Portwood was sentenced to 5 years in prison or the judge would allow her to avoid jail time if she completed a drug rehab program. Well Amber has given up on herself and has begged to be sent to jail. She has struggled to meet the requirements of the program and said she couldn't stay clean because she's a "bad girl". Amber's lawyer was in shock as she asked to be sent to prison. She is a complete fuck up in every possible way. At least she's more aware than Lindsay Lohan and admits she has a problem. I guess it's good to give teenagers all that money for getting knocked up. Maybe once she's out of prison she can get on a new Dr. Drew show called Probation House.
Amanda Bynes was charged with DUI this week and she took to Twitter to dispute it to the highest office in the land. Ha! Good luck with that. He didn't do anything for the democrats in Wisconsin so what makes you think he's going to get you out of a DUI? Either this is all a conspiracy to paint her as a raging alcoholic who will bring death and destruction to anyone in her path when she's beyond the wheel of a car or she's just a drunk bitch. I don't know which it could be. If she's joking she better start her career in comedy writing because she's going to need the money to cover all her legal expenses. I hope Obama replied, "Hey @AmandaBynes
And he made it. It didn't take as long as what I thought it would and I also had a few "breaks". Have a great weekend.