So here I am again.  Would've been on earlier but I went out for supper.  I think I did poorly on my interview.  The lady didn't quite care for my answer when I was asked what I'm looking for in a job.  Apparently financial stability and security aren't part of this job.  Sigh.  I guess I'll keep babysitting for a while.  Anyway, time for the round up.



Zac Efron was on vacation for Easter and apparently he was trying to find a Cabury Creme Egg.  I don't think he found it.  I've heard those high notes he hit in High School Musical.

Tony Romo and his wife Candice welcomed a baby boy into the world this week.  They named him Hawkins Crawford Romo.  He weighed 8lbs and 8oz.  Hawkins Crawford...doesn't that just roll off the tongue like a cinder block?  Maybe he could go by Hawk Romo and become a WWE wrestler, bounty hunter, or gay porn star.  Oh and Jessica Simpson is still pregnant.  The sad news is that when the nurse handed Hawkins to Tony, Tony fumbled him and another father came and picked up Hawkins and ran him in for the touchdown thus eliminating the Cowgirls from the playoffs. 

Tom Clancy and David Letterman both turned 65 this week.  They were born on the same day.  That's sort of amazing.  Both of these guys have contributed so much to comedy.  I seriously don't know who the bigger comedian of the two is.  If you ever want to read a laugh riot pick up copies of The Sum of All Fears and Roman Numeral Two!! An Altogether New Book of Top Ten Lists from Late Show with David Letterman.

Ryan Gosling was photographed taking a stroll this week.  You know we have so much in common.  Whenever we go out for walks the streets are safe and people take our photos and admire us for being the handsomest man they've ever seen.  It's like looking in a mirror.

Taylor Kitsch turned 31 this week.  You know, it's sort of funny how he spent his mid to late 20s playing a high school student.

Three years ago, President Obama united Americans by expressing his hatred of Kanye West because he interrupted Taylor Swift at some meaningless awards show.  Now with gas prices soaring, North Korea threatening to do shit because they're being ignored, war with Iran looming on the horizon, racial tension flaring, an election, insurance companies dropping my dad from their coverage thereby giving him two weeks to live if he doesn't receive treatment, and a general overall shitty malaise in America, President Obama has decided he needed to speak out about Kanye West once again.  A writer, David Samuels, asked President Obama a hard-hitting question: "Kanye or Jay-Z?"  President Obama responded, "Jay-Z. Although I like Kanye. He’s a Chicago guy. Smart. He’s very talented."  Samuels replied, "Even though you called him a jackass?"  President Obama answered, "He is a jackass. But he's talented."  I see the president is once again trying to get his approval ratings to go through the roof.  If he said this two or three months from now after we've had to endure all the rumors of Kanye dating She with the Big Ass Who Must Not be Named it would've meant more.  Right now I don't know what to think of politics.  I mean the president likes Jay-Z and Mitt Romney supports plural marriage for straights.  Hmmm.  Maybe Kanye will support Mitt Romney and the 1% because most all of Kanye's songs are about him being rich.  Does anyone else feel that politics are becoming a reality show like American Idol?  Well the good thing is that the president didn't flip flop on proclaiming Kanye to be a jackass.

Paris Hilton was spotted leaving a business in Beverly Hills this week.  You may want to enlarge this pic to understand the punchline.  It looks like Paris is missing something and, no, it's not her bra.  It's her fame.  HAHAHAHA...YOU SUCK, PARIS!

People are claiming that Miley Cyrus' recent slimming down is due to her being anorexic.  Miley says otherwise.  She claims it's diet and exercise.  Oddly enough, three seconds after this photo was taken, Miley was chewing on that fence.  Miley took to Twitter to address all the skeptics: "For everyone calling me anorexic I have a gluten and lactose allergy. It’s not about weight it’s about health. Gluten is crapppp anyway!"  "Everyone should try no gluten for a week! The change in your skin, phyisical and mental health is amazing! U won’t go back!"  Miley, you know what you need to try?  Learning how to spell and how to type words like "you".  Then Miley brought her younger sister into the mix by Tweeting this: "Love u noie! U saw how much I ate today at Easter lunch but all of it was healthy and even more fulfilling! Health is happiness!"  Oh Miley methinks thou doth protest too much.  Oh wait, you don't know Shakespeare so I'll hillbilly it up for you, "Damn, girl, youse fixin' to get people on reckonin' that you may be tellin' fibs.  Now come sit on Uncle Skeeter's lap and take off them breeches for a paddlin'."  She also went back to talking about how she's considering moving back to Nashville because of negative attention from paparazzi.  The only reason why she's getting all that attention is now that Britney Spears has calmed down and is medicated, Miley is the last hillbilly doing hillbilly things like parking in handicapped spots while you go to yoga class or posing with a giant chocolate cake shaped like a penis.  You know those things are frowned upon in Nashville and Uncle Skeeter may just take you out behind the woodpile for more than a paddlin'. 

Mike Wallace, one of the original correspondents on 60 Minutes, passed away this week at the age of 93.  He was with 60 Minutes for nearly 40 years and retired in 2006 and his last interview was in 2008.  Morley Safer wrote this one the CBS website: "For half a century, he took on corrupt politicians, scam artists and bureaucratic bumblers. His visits were preceded by the four dreaded words: Mike Wallace is here. Wallace took to heart the old reporter's pledge to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable. He characterized himself as "nosy and insistent." So insistent, there were very few 20th century icons who didn't submit to a Mike Wallace interview. He lectured Vladimir Putin, the President of Russia, on corruption. He lectured Yassir Arafat on violence. He asked the Ayatollah Khoumeini if he were crazy.  He traveled with Martin Luther King (whom Wallace called his hero). He grappled with Louis Farrakhan.  And he interviewed Malcolm X shortly before his assassination."  Wallace was 60 Minutes and did a lot for news reporting.  He will be greatly missed.

Mayim Bialik has said repeatedly that she's not a conventional mother.  Apparently like her characters on both her TV shows, Mayim is a nerd and no-it-all type and she wrote a book titled The Sling: A Real-Life Guide To Raising Confident, Loving Children The Attachment Parenting Way and in this book she discusses how they don't use diapers, doesn't force her children to sleep by themselves, and doesn't put an expiration date on breast feeding.  She was interviewed and here's excerpts from the interview: The progressive parents live in a very small Los Angeles home — their one-bedroom has two mattresses on the floor on which the family co-sleeps.  The children don't have a playroom filled with the latest toys — Bialik and Roosevelt have made a conscious decision to keep their material lives simple and minimal. “Our society's obsession with consumerism, especially in the realm of baby things, baby soaps and baby products. ... That's something that my husband and I, partly for frugality and partly for environmental reasons, have really rejected.”  In “Beyond the Sling,” Bialik also writes about elimination communication as a form of early potty training that encourages parents to recognize their child's natural signals instead of waiting until the child is older, then introducing the toilet. “You're basically training your child to use their pants as a bathroom and then two years later we have to turn around and do all sorts of complicated manipulations to get them to unlearn that,” she said.  They were breast-fed until ready to quit — Bialik still nurses 3.5 year old Fred sporadically, as he slowly weans himself.  Yes, her son is 3.5 years old and she still breast feeds him.  I do think she makes sense on the potty training but then then that's all negated by breastfeeding a 3.5 year old.  If the kid can open a fridge door by himself he doesn't need to suck on the tit.  Oh well what do I know about breastfeeding.  Maybe 3.5 is perfect but when he needs a drink during his high school graduation ceremony you'll here my tap dancing shoes loudly doing a song and dance I call "Told Ya So".

Remember when I was complaining about Lindsay Lohan and all those other wannabe starlets trying to be too much like Marilyn Monroe?  Remember when I said I hated reality shoes?  Well the two are going to combine.  A story broke on Deadline this week and this was a press release: "Entertainment One has teamed with the Estate of Marilyn Monroe to develop and produce Finding Marilyn, a competition reality series that will emulate Monroe’s journey to stardom by featuring twelve young girls as they travel to Los Angeles to compete for a chance to become the next Hollywood “it” girl."  The producers of this shoe may as well have called it "We Don't Have Anything Better to do Than Fuck with the Memory of a Dead Celebrity and Need a Fucking Clue".  I wonder how many will be named Norma Jean or something with a middle name of Jean.  I wonder if when the winner is declared she'll win a lifetime of sadness, broken relationships, and an addiction to barbiturates.  Then when she's dead, reality show producers can make a game show about her life.  It's the perfect vicious circle!

This photo of Lindsay Lohan recently surfaced.  I thought she was sober and clean.  I wasn't expecting photos like these.  It probably came from Twitter or some old guy's private collection.  Also this week, a woman filed a battery complaint against Lindsay claiming that on Thursday night of last week, Lindsay shoved and punched her at a nightclub.  I cry foul, madam!  There is no way Lindsay could've been in a nightclub.  She was obviously reading to blind orphans.  Lindsay's attorney says the person who filed this complaint is just seeking fame and money.  Someone looking for money? So she picked Lindsay Lohan as her target? Either this chick is really fucking dumb or she's been living in Middle-earth for the past five years. Targeting Lindsay Lohan for money is like targeting Rosie Perez for English lessons. Good luck with that.

well last week Lana Del Ray was spotted with Marilyn Manson at his hotel in Germany.  This week she was spotted at a hotel in L.A. with Axl Rose.  I figured it was only a matter of time for those rumors to surface since she does do a song titled Axl Rose Husband and probably has a replica of Stephanie Seymour's wedding dress from the November Rain video.  If she is sleeping with him then she is a devoted groupie since most people gave up on him in the mid 90s.  So if she's doing this trend of sleeping with musicians who have faded over the years, who is next?  My guess is the Baha Men or Right Said Fred.

Kristen Stewart turned 22 this week.  She looks so happy and excited to be 22.  I'd be just as thrilled as her if I was 22 again.  I just hope she calms down or her heart may explode.

This is quite possibly my favorite story of the week because it shows you can't teach old dogs new tricks or teach old men how to be culturally sensitive and politically correct.  A while back, Mel Gibson announced that he was going to make a movie about Judah Maccabee, a Jewish warrior who is commemorated with the celebration of Hanukkah.  Everyone saw right through it and knew he'd still burn yarmulkes and masturbate to photos of Eva Braun.  Mel hired Joe Eszterhas to write the script and Joe wrote more than just the script, he wrote a 9 page letter detailing Gibson's behavior while they worked together.  I could've summed it up in four words, "Dear Mel, fuck off."  Eszterhas says the reason the script was rejected by Warner Brothers was because of Mel ranting and raving about killing his former girlfriend Oksana Gregorieva while they had anal sex, which actually sounds like something Eszterhas once wrote(see the movie Sliver).  Here's the full letter but I'll include some excerpts if you don't feel like reading the whole thing.  On Mel's use of slurs: "You continually called Jews 'Hebes' and 'oven-dodgers' and 'Jewboys.' It seemed that most times when we discussed someone, you asked 'He’s a Hebe, isn’t he?' You said most 'gatekeepers' of American companies were 'Hebes' who 'controlled their bosses.'"  On the Holocaust: "You said the Holocaust was 'mostly a lot of horseshit.' You said the Torah made reference to the sacrifice of Christian babies and infants. When I told you that you were confusing the Torah with The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, ... you insisted 'it's in the Torah -- it's in there!' (It isn't)."  On Oksana: "You were raving at Oksana even after you’d reached a custody agreement over Luci.... And then you were even more explicit about your threat: 'I’m going to kill her! I’m going to have her killed!' You said you’d become friends with two FBI agents (or former FBI agents) and they were going to help you to kill her.  You said, 'I want to fuck her in the ass and stab her to death while I’m doing it.'"  On something I could've told you going into this project: “I’ve come to the conclusion that the reason you won’t make ‘The Maccabees’ is the ugliest possible one. You hate Jews."  Mel Gibson issued a statement through a publicist: "I will acknowledge like most creative people I am passionate and intense. I was very frustrated that when you arrived at my home at the expense of both Warner Brothers and myself you hadn’t written a single word of a script or even an outline after 15 months of research, meetings, discussions and the outpouring of my heartfelt vision for this story. I did react more strongly than I should have. I promptly sent you a written apology, the colorful words of which you apparently now find offensive. Let me now clearly apologize to you and your family in the simplest of terms.  Contrary to your assertion that I was only developing Maccabees to burnish my tarnished reputation, I have been working on this project for over 10 years and it was publicly announced 8 years ago. I absolutely want to make this movie; it’s just that neither Warner Brothers nor I want to make this movie based on your script."  COLORFUL WORDS!  If Mel Gibson's words were Crayolas they'd be Holocaust Hazel, Anti-Semite Sepia, or Razzle Dazzle I HATE JEWS Rose.  I'm not shocked Mel said of that.  He has problems.  I've heard Joe Eszterhas isn't an angel because his father wrote anti-Semitic propaganda in Hungary during the 30s and 40s but there is one thing that makes me side with Joe.  He wrote Showgirls.  All other arguments are invalid.

Poor Jesse James.  We all know he cheated on Sandra Bullock.  We all know he then cheated on his next fiance, Kat Von D.  We also remember when he bragged that having sex with Kat was much better than sex with Sandra.  We also remember that book he wrote where he painted himself as a hero for his cheating and that if you cheat once it's the same as cheating 1000 times.  So by his logic I should rob 1000 banks and only be punished for robbing one.  Well this week Jesse was interviewed and said that he's being persecuted for his serial cheating and says he's been strung up for cheating. Jesse was also upset that no one talks about his poor brother who died of AIDs: "My older brother was gay, and looked just like me, and happened to die of HIV five years ago. Nobody ever cared to ask about that."  In Jesse's 800 page book he doesn't mention his brother or his brother being gay or dying of AIDs.  So maybe no one asks James about his brother who died of HIV/AIDS because he DIDN'T BOTHER MENTIONING IT!

Jennifer Lawrence is hated by PETA.  OK Hunger Games fans, that's not Peeta.  It's PETA, People Enacting Terrorism for Animals.  During an interview promoting The Hunger Games movie, Jennifer was asked about her role in the movie Winter's Bones.  In the scene her character skins a squirrel.  She was asked if that was a real squirrel and if that prepared her for The Hunger Games(seriously, do people consider that movie to be a real story?).  Jennifer said, "I should say it wasn't real, for PETA, but screw PETA."  Well the story doesn't end there because PETA hasn't gone apeshit and overreacted about something or other because one squirrel might cause the world to go off its axis.  They released this statement: "She's young and the plight of animals somehow hasn't yet touched her heart. As Henry David Thoreau said, 'The squirrel you kill in jest, dies in earnest.  When people kill animals, it is the animals who are 'screwed,' not PETA, and one day I hope she will try to make up for any pain she might cause any animal who did nothing but try to eke out a humble existence in nature."  Was that squirrel working on a way to make my gas cheaper?  Was that squirrel going to create a new fuel source?  Was that squirrel about to make a breakthrough in inertial confinement fusion technology?  No?  Was the squirrel just collecting nuts?  Yes?  THEN WHY THE HELL ARE WE SO UPSET?

Jenna Jameson turned 38 this week.  Wow, remember all the classic films she made back in the day?  I don't know which I enjoyed more, "Cum One, Cum All" or "Up and Cummers" or "I Love Pussy".  If she made a movie today, because of her age it would probably be considered granny porn.  I feel bad for her.  She needs to flip off whoever decided to make her look like a melted candle.

Hayden Panettiere is on vacation in Maui this week and was spotted playing some tennis.  Since when did Keebler start making implants?  Her current boyfriend is Scotty McKnight, a wide receiver for the New York Jets.  Her former boyfriend was Wladimir Klitschko, a former champion boxer.  She must have a thing for athletes.  Maybe she also likes mathletes.  3.14159265358979323846  I can recite pi to 20 decimals.  I am an expert at pi.  Am I turning you on, you horny little minx?

This is Dwayne Johnson, probably best known as The Rock, on the set of his new movie Pain & Gain which is filming in Miami.  Is it me or does it look like he might work out?
 
Demi Lovato is currently touring in England and she was out with friends sight seeing when she tried to park into a space and almost hit a guy standing in the parking spot.  It turned out it was Paul McCartney.  Demi was so excited that she almost ran down a former member of the Beatles.  We were almost left with just Ringo.  Paul almost joined Heather Mills in shoe shopping for one.  Demi said he was cool about almost being hit.  Well he's not the real Paul McCartney so I guess she could've run him down.

When you mix Twitter with no shame and drugs, you get Courtney Love being a fool.  Ever since Courtney's husband Kurt Cobain died, she has been accusing former member of Kurt's band Nirvana, Dave Grohl, of stealing money from her because he's misusing Nirvana.  Now she's accusing him of stealing something else, her 19 year old daughter Frances Bean Cobain.  Courtney claims she heard from a driver that drove Frances Bean and Dave to Dave's house that they were all over each other in the back of the car.  Watching Courtney tweet is like watching a hamster on meth running on the wheel in his cage.  Courtney went on protected tweeting but Gawker got screencaps and here they are. 

You will have to enlarge this to read Courtney's madness.  Trust me, there are some gems there.  She claims a reliable source.  Courtney, drug hallucinations aren't reliable sources unless you work for FOX News.  The funny thing is, she brings up a Twitter account by the name of @davegrohl.  It turns out that there is an actual account by that name but it doesn't belong to the person Courtney thought it did.  It belongs to a German student.  Also by saying she wants to shoot Dave dead, she sort of set herself up.  She'll have killed two members of the three piece Nirvana.

Frances Bean replied to Courtney's ramblings.  GOD...how can something so lovely come from something so hideous?  Frances tweeted this: "While I'm generally silent on the affairs of my biological mother, her recent tirade has taken a gross turn. I have never been approached by Dave Grohl in more than a platonic way. I'm in a monogamous relationship and very happy.  Twitter should ban my mother."   HAHAHAHA...biological mother!  If Courtney had any feeling left in her face after all the coke and Xanax she's snorted she would've felt that slap across that face. 

I think I posted a similar photo to this before but once again Coco was photographed doing squats in her gym while wearing high heels.  Granted she's not lifting a lot of weight but I think keeping proper form while wearing heels that large is pretty impressive.

This is Charlie Hunnam, star of one of my favorite shows Sons of Anarchy.  He turned 32 this week.  You know, last week I was happy to post half naked guys on my post because it made ladies happy.  I think I like this pleasing women thing.  But honestly, Sons of Anarchy...it's motorcycles meets mafia meets Hamlet.  So awesome.

If there's a 14 year old reading this right now, you should probably leave because I'm sure you're violating Xanga's terms of service.  But if that didn't scare you off, then if you're a 14 year old thinking you're an uncoordinated dork with a horrible haircut who will never get laid, you have hope.  This is Brad Pitt at age 14 posing for a team basketball photo for the Cherokee Rejects of Springfield, MO.  The Rejects?  A public school team name is the Rejects?  Was the Fuck-Ups already taken?  I think I have to do a repost of an old post I did of funny team names.  Apparently Brad's move was clapping his hands and throwing pixie dust in the opposing team's face.  Now fast forward 20 years and Moses couldn't part the sea of horny women looking to jump on his pole.  So, kids, it gets better.

Betty White is now on twitter and here are her first tweets.  In just a few hours, Betty had 105,000 followers.  That might seem impressive but Blanche Devereaux has more notches on her bed post. 

Amanda Bynes just doesn't learn.  To celebrate the one week anniversary of her DUI and the 3 week anniversary for being pulled over for texting while driving, Amanda was spotted texting while driving by paparazzi while on her way to a party.  They also caught her driving over the curb while attempting to park.  When are people going to learn that driving like this is not good?  It didn't work for Billy Joel and it didn't work for Lindsay Lohan.  What makes Amanda think she's going to get by.  Well Amanda got the message and let one of her sober friends drive her home.  PSYCHE!  That didn't happen.  Besides, probably having alcohol in her system, driving up on a curb, and texting while driving she broke another law.  She was retransmitting a L.A. Dodgers baseball game without the express written consent of Major League Baseball.  She is a hellion.  We need Seal Team Six to take her out.  Amanda's dad spoke out about her recent arrest and said this: "She was not drunk. I was told that she blew a zero on the Breathalyzer. She didn't have a single drink that night. My daughter doesn't drink. She was arrested because she was upset and very emotional.  She is a good girl. She just chooses not to work, and because of that, people go after her." So apparently she is just like Lindsay Lohan who also chooses not to work but get drunk and crash cars.  Has anyone hit a wall faster and harder than Amanda Bynes?

I hope everyone has a good weekend.  I'm sorry for wasting your life.

I haven't done one of these in some time so I thought it is time to change that dry spell.  It's time for a change in my choice of tattoos as well.  This change is one we can all...well we can all see.  I'm going presidential.

Hope you enjoyed.

I have no clue what I’m saying 45% of the time so please tread lightly.

A teacher walks into a bar and a guy asks, “Can I buy you a drink?”  The teacher answers, “I don’t know, can you?”

A recent study revealed that everyone is a little bisexual but to different degrees and that I should find a better hobby than reading scientific studies.

Boomerangs are Frisbees for people without friends.

Nicki Minaj is a perfect example of what happens when multiple personality disorder is left untreated for too long.

I was so disappointed for the first year of my life because I couldn’t walk.

If you get seven years of bad luck for breaking a mirror, I think you should get a lifetime of bad luck for breaking a condom.

I’m like MacGyver when it comes to finding nifty ways to fuck up my life.

We always think we’re so advanced.  I bet in 1000 years some flying car insurance company will portray us as cavemen in their smellovision commercials.

Guys, you can create a black hole if you drink Dr. Pepper 10 and use Secret deodorant at the same time.

They always say, “Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.  Teach a man to fish and he’ll eat forever.”  I tried that and the guy said,“Hey, remember when you gave me that fish? It would be awesome if you gave me another.”

Sex is like a drug for me in that I have to pay for it.

Do Transformers get auto insurance or life insurance?

They say you can’t force people to love you but you can if you have a voodoo doll without pants.

I always thought I’d be a professional writer by now and I had given up on that thought until I went to Barnes & Noble and saw a book in the literature section titled “Girls From Da Hood”.  Now I have hope.

McDonald’s hamburgers have pink slime in them?  Well I’m still going to eat them.  I would eat their burgers if they were made from roadkill.  Why?  Because I’m loving it.

The last line of “To Kill a Mockingbird” (the film and the book) has played a huge part in the inspiration to be the best father I can possibly be.  I don’t think I could ever top Atticus Finch and I need to have kids but where was I going with this?  San Dimas High football rules!

Fun facts about Wisconsin: Wisconsin is second for the state with the most UFO sightings.  Wisconsin is the number one state when it comes to the production of meth.  I don’t think this is a coincidence.

Have you ever noticed how some historians speculate that certain historical figures were gay?  How and why would you study that?  Why would you speculate that the dead leader of the Nazis secretly craved penis?  Do they get paid for that?  If so I want money for these ideas: Catherine the Great had sex with horses, Julius Caesar was gay, and Genghis Khan was a sex addict.  PAY ME!

Is it possible to sell your soul?  I might consider selling mine if it meant having a lifetime supply of barbecue ribs or being forever with certain people.

Have you ever been talking to a girl and you let out that she looks like an actress you admire and then you realize you shouldn’t have said it because the actress is a porn actress?  This is what happens every time I talk to a girl.

Even though I don’t have one, I fear for the future of my uterus.

I went into a Barnes and Noble looking for a self-help book for men with small penises.  I asked the girl at the counter if they had the book despite not knowing the title.  She said, “I don’t think it’s in yet.”  I answered, “Yeah, that’s the one.”

I accidentally used the word “then” instead of “than”.  I now know what it’s like to feel imperfect. 

I have this disease where I want to marry every girl that is nice to me.

No matter how much I begged and pleaded, I still didn’t get the two things I wanted most in life in my Easter basket: true happiness and a wife…you know to sort of balance out my happiness.

I often get the dollar sign($) confused for the “no snakes allowed” sign($).

When people offer me a penny for my thoughts, I counter-offer with $1million and then from there we negotiate.

Money making scheme #873: Make random Xs on the ground and hope that a lazy pirate will bury his treasure under one of them.

I have slapped the snooze button so many times on my alarm clock that it should probably get its own Lifetime movie.  I was thinking the alarm clock was on the fritz because the radio would start up at random times and the clock doesn’t even have a radio.  I thought this was a nuisance until the other day I was masturbating and it played a song that went,“Let’s hear it for the boy; let’s give the boy a hand.”  I will never threaten to throw that clock away ever.

And your weekly dose of motivation:

I was trying to come up with the next joke and one of my cats jumped on the keyboard and it said “kiiiiiilllllllllllll”.  I will never sleep again.

I quit my job at the bank because every time I counted money my fingers would smell like cocaine and strippers.

They say you should never judge a person until you walk a mile in their shoes.  If you do that make sure you wear an extra pair of socks because athlete’s foot is nasty.

I think I am the only guy not interested in a threesome.  I guess I don’t want to letdown two women at the same time.  Then,what do you do during a threesome?  I’d probably just stand there and do jazz hands.

I asked the self-loathing windmill what he thought of windmills.  He said, “I’m not a big fan.”

If there was an Eagle Scout badge for “talking to a girl outside of the internet and your World of Warcraft game” then there wouldn’t be any Eagle Scouts.

Nobody means it when they tell me to have a good day and if they do they think that good is if I’d leave the planet for good.

Now that Facebook bought Instagram, there will be less nudity and more photos of food.  I hear they bought it for $1billion worth of fake Farmville farm land.  Am I the only person that is concerned that a FUCKING WEBSITE is worth $1billion?

My last girlfriend and I had a system.  If I was in the mood and was kissing on her,she would tug my penis once to mean she wanted to have sex.  If she didn’t want to have sex I’d have her tug my penis 50 times.  And when I was dating her I ate an apple a day because she was a doctor.

I got a Ouija board to find out if I’d ever find truelove.  It replied “H A H A H A H A H A HA.”  Obviously, it’s broken.  Oh well, at least when I’m alone, I’m only with one person who doesn’t like me.

Whenever I’m depressed and someone comes up to me and starts saying, “You know it takes 37 muscles to frown…” I yell before they can finish,“Yeah and it takes 72 muscles to say ‘Go fuck yourself!’ Well worth the extra effort.”

I’m not very athletic but I am graceful like a gazelle when it comes to running away from my problems.

On Xanga, people respect you when you share your deepest,darkest flaws.  Unless those flaws are filled with typos; then you must burn in hell.

New Xanga motto: Xanga, a place where you come to escape the assholes in your life only to be harassed by assholes you don’t know.

Whenever I post on Xanga, I imagine Slim Pickens riding it through the internet, waving his cowboy hat around, and yelling until it hits your inbox. 

With all the fat hate on Xanga, I get the feeling that if Marilyn Monroe had an account here everyone would make fun of her for being fat and unattractive.

If you really love someone, never introduce them to Xanga.  If you do, they will always give you the“What the fuck is wrong with you”-look every time you see them.

I think on Xanga, I’m the little annoying kid who thinks they’re friends with all the popular people but they don’t actually notice me.
Have you ever wondered how fucked up you were in a past life that you must endure all this Xanga drama?
Xanga is sort of like Las Vegas.  You can be whoever you want to be and people will think they are more important than they actually are.
Whenever I log in to Xanga I feel like there’s drama waiting to happen.  Maybe it’s me.  Maybe I should leave this place and then Xanga would be drama free.  I think the reason there is so much drama is that we can’t sit on each other’s faces.
I sometimes feel that Xanga is a clique and I’m that weird kid who is not in any clique and thinks that I’m friends with all the cliques but they take pity on me because I’m nice but really strange to be around.  I do like to think I’m on good terms with most of you here.  Why am I getting all gushy like this?  I love you people.  You actually have done a lot more for me than you’ll ever realize.  OK enough of that mushy stuff…boobs.  Yeah, same old godfatherofgreenbay.

Everything...and now it's #caturday


Have a great Easter.

Hey, I haven't done one of these for a couple of weeks.  I hope you didn't miss them too much.

1.  I'm not a fan of hiphop music and here's 5 reasons why.  Sorry, Coco, but that really sucks.

2.  I love Cracked and I could spend hours over on that site.  I found this one the other day while looking for the wingdings font trick for 9/11.  Here's some absurd and mind-blowing conspiracy theories in pop culture.  #2 still blows my mind.  Hey @peridot21 remember when I posted about that?  I may have to post about it again.

3.  And because in my last post, I talked about grunge music, here's some grunge trivia.

4.  Hey, did you know that April is National Grilled Cheese Month?  Well April is National Grilled Cheese Month and you can celebrate National Grilled Cheese Month by visiting the Grilled Cheese Academy.  Just make sure your volume is turned off because that site's voice scared me something fierce tonight because the first time I viewed it I had my speakers turned off.

5.  Remember when Officer John Pike was the most hated man in America?  Remember that whole Occupy Wall Street thing?  Well reminisce with some Pepper Spraying Cop meme photos.

6.  Anyone want to buy some land in Austria?

7.  A former Xangan sent me an email this week, or maybe it was that because I've been bad with emails I just opened it this week.  Inside there was a like to The Tutu Project.  A guy photographs himself in random spots while wearing a pink tutu.  I find that funny because just when I thought I'd seen it all...

8.  This week marked the beginning of the baseball season.  Blah blah blah...right?  Well if you don't like baseball but love attractive women, here's a collection of some of the hottest significant others of major league baseball players.  Larisa Fraser was once asked if Ryan Braun was the Hebrew Hammer in the bedroom because of the positive banned substance test.  Supposedly steroids diminish your manhood.  And while I'm talking about the Milwaukee Brewers, you get a twofer, check out Brewers fan Front Row Amy.

9.  Here's a fun game on the Coca-Cola website.  It's called Sticky Hands Toy.  OK so it's not a game but lets you relive those days of your youth when you had a sticky hand toy.

10.  I probably shouldn't share Tumblr sites here because it is competition for Xanga however Xangans need to see these so they can think of something creative for this site.  The first Tumblr this week is called Texts from Hillary.  It involves a photo of Hillary Clinton texting on her phone.  I guess you just have to see it to get it.

11.  This week's celebrity Tumblr belongs to Bill Corbett.  He's one of the minds and voices behind Mystery Science Theater 3000.  I used to wake up early on Saturday mornings in high school and college to watch that show.  I think it may have been one of the funniest shows on TV. 

12.  And because I'm an asshole, here's one of my favorite Tumblr sites called Shit My Students Write.


I'm a little late but we really have to stop killing animals based on the color of their fur.  It's a real thing.  I lost a Rottweiler because an ethnic group didn't like the color of her fur.

And I wonder how many guys are off to get some baked beans to experiment.

Yeah, 14 more years of rebuilding, they could be a playoff contender.

Oh, Albert...POO HOLES!  I wonder if anyone over at ESPN realized they wrote that.

I wish hot dogs were that big.

You think he's evil now, just wait to you see the concentrated evil he left for you in his diaper.

YOLO!  SWAG!  Do kids even speak English anymore?

Jesus is such a bro.  I was sitting in church this evening and there was this banner above the altar that said, "Crown of Thorns" and I had to do a double take because the first time I thought it said, "Game of Thrones".

I think a lot of people think Jesus actually said that. 

Beaker was shocked to see his likeness was stolen.

Corn Dog

No wonder he hates Mondays.  He's always out getting shitfaced on Sundays.

Finally all my sixth grade art projects depicting the pope wearing a sombrero are coming true.  Holy shit!  I'm a psychoic.

Yes, they do.

I really am.  I do care what you think.  I hope you have a great time period after you read this post until my next post where I will wish you another good time period.