Wednesday, 22 May 2013
So here I am again. I feel bad that I'm not more active but I'm trying to get better and well it's not working the best. It's going slower than expected. I keep writing and some of my stuff is rather strange lately. I've been borrowing from posts I made a year ago. It's sort of strange going back and reading things I wrote back then and realizing not much has changed. I joke about being lonely and it's still that way. I wrote a note the other night in my sleep and I have no clue what it means. It said, "Girls only want doggy style sex from me because my breath smells of onions." I don't get it. I don't even eat onions anymore. Then I had another note that said, "When the cherries are red they're ready for plucking. When a girl turns 18 she's ready for" and that's where I stopped. I have no clue where I was going with that. Anyway, I'm still alive which is sort of more than I can say for Xanga. I know it's lame to rip on this site but I've lost interest in using it regularly because it seems the Xanga Team has lost interest in it as well. How long has the music not been working? How long have photos not been working? Why should we use this site when they don't bother fixing it? So...here's another post.
One of the best things I ever did to spice up my Monday was “accidentally” texting my mom this phrase: “Dude, we could go to jail for that.”
I think I should be working for the IRS because I’d fit in because I hate certain groups and would discriminate against them accordingly. No more tax exempt status for you vegans.
I hate how Kobe Bryant and LeBron James keep getting compared to Michael Jordan. There’s noway they can compare. Now if they team up with Bugs Bunny, Bill Murray, and Newman to take on a group of space aliens then you can compare them but Kobe would have to be careful if the female bunny stuck her butt out near him and of course LeBron wouldn’t play against the aliens unless he had two other superstars with him so that way he could blame them if they lost.
Do you know how strenuous it is being the only one who can prevent forest fires? It’s no wonder I have ulcers.
If you have a negative opinion of me, please don’t share it because I really don’t care. IF you want to suck my dick, please email me…PLEASE!
Can someone please tell me why people are so enthusiastic about the second amendment but any amendment about voting and other human rights gets left out.
It’s always interesting when I tell people that when I was a child I didn’t see much children’s programming and they look at me like I had a horrible childhood because I missed out because the staple of it wasn’t a televised product designed by corporations and marketers. And pardon me for finding the news more interesting than Cabbage Patch dolls.
But if watching any kid’s programming taught me anything it was that if I dug a hole far enough a racist depiction of a Chinese man would greet me.
Charmin toilet paper commercials piss me off because they have made their brand around a family of bears wiping their asses and I guess Charmin is also claiming they have answered the age old zen riddle “Do bears shit in the woods?”
They should have something like Eurovision for the United States where all the states sing a song written by someone in their state except Illinois because Illinois sucks. If it was a murder or corrupt politician contest then we’d allow Illinois to compete.
Every beach is a nude beach when you have nothing left to lose.
I have been researching the song “Cotton Eyed Joe” and I’ve come to the conclusion that the writer of the song was dealing with his father abandoning him because of the line “Where did you come from, where did you go”.
I heard an advertisement that said, “If your mouth could talk it would ask for Cheetos”. I think this is one of the worst slogans ever. What do we talk out of? Our bellybuttons? Our nostrils? Also the only people that seemingly buy Cheetos are stoners so that will just confuse the hell out of them.
I just found out that Bing can translate phrases into Klingon. I figure nerds will use that just as soon as they figure out what Bing is.
Girls, the bigger your boobs are the more creepers you get following you and the creepier they get. Now, who wants to send me nude pics so I can study for my anatomy test?
It would be awesome to have a list of everyone who ever masturbated while thinking of me. The only thing is I doubt there’d be any names on my list.
Sometimes you just need your genitals massaged by someone’s mouth and right now is one of those times.
Did you know that circuses are the number one form of entertainment in Japan? Why else would they choose to make their flag a close-up of a clown’s face?
I dream of a world where you can order a Bud Light and you get a low calorie strain of marijuana and not a glass of water.
I’d like to see an episode of Maury where Luke Skywalker comes on wanting to find out who his father is and when Maury says Chewbacca isn’t the father then Chewbacca would do a wicked cabbage patch dance.
I don’t know what to feel about watching a “Feed the Children” infomercial and seeing that if you send money they will send you at-shirt that is available in XXXL.
I’ve always wanted to be surveyed for Family Feud so that when a question is “When is your bedtime,” you’ll be able to tell my answer. It’s always going to be “Giant floppy donkey dicks”.
Overheard at school: “Did you know Elton John wrote a song called “Candle in the Wind” and it’s about Marilyn Manson?”
Sometimes I feel like a foreskin. Cut off, forgotten, unwanted, and thrown away.
I was in Walgreens the other day and saw that they had condoms in a section called “Family Planning”. It should be labeled “Family Preventing”.
The NBA is considering lowering the hoop from 10ft. to 9ft.so that there can be more non-black players and the league will be diverse.
The best part of waking up is that moment when you realize you cried yourself to sleep because the only person that seems interested in you is mentally handicapped and once threatened to stab you with a knife at a church function.
I think that carving Mount Rushmore was impossible. I bet that guy just discovered it and told people he carved it because come on.
The Miami Heat could be playing a game against the Taliban and I’d cheer for the Taliban.
A gay guy, a black guy, and a Jew walk into a bar and the bartender asks, “What can I get for you gentleman” because that bartender isn’t some sort of dick that would deny service to people based on orientation, race,or religion.
And now your weekly dose of motivation:
I was thankful I finished everything on my “To Do” list today. It was just a doodle of a bottle of beer and a set of breasts. My “To Do”list for tomorrow seems tougher. I have to tell my second-best friend that he’s really my third-best friend.
I heard a girl say “chivalry is dead” this weekend. She’s right. It pretty much died when girls started dating assholes.
I was upset that the last time I visited Detroit no one challenged me to a rap battle. Sure, I was shot at but no rap battles. I had some mad rhymes about fettucini alfredo that I was going to spit out.
I’m pretty sure people who listen to Jimmy Buffett listen to him because they are too lazy to listen to anything else.
I love my reciprocating saw because it loves me and I love it and it loves me and I love it.
I like to stab straws into boxes of wine because it makes me feel like a kid again and reminds me of drinking juice pouches.
I think the best way to turn on a girl with a sext is to send her a photo of your credit card.
I hate when girls complain about me having an ugly face. You’re just going to sit on it so why do you need to look at it?
One man's trash is another man's place to hide out for awhile until the police helicopter is done hovering over the block.
My secret to losing weight this summer? Driving around in my car for an hour without the air conditioning on and the windows rolled up.
The first time you ever say “music is crap these days” you have become your parents.
Is it alright for me to push a girl down the stairs if she’s wearing a slinky dress?
I decided to put out a candy dish this past weekend. The only bad part was that I ate all the candy before anyone could see it. This is also why I don’t have candles in my house.
I assume the best part of being unemployed is being able to watch NSFW stuff at all hours of the day.
I saw my sex drive on the back of a milk carton.
If I worked on a road crew, I’d be the guy leaning on my shovel, wiping the sweat from my brow, and looking with a look of concern while all the other guys did all the work.
Last night I was in my bed and I stared at the stars and then I began to wonder where my ceiling was.
I sometimes think there are more Applebees in America than there are apples and bees.
The original Karate Kid, Ralph Macchio, is now the age of Mr. Miyagi when the movie was filmed. Feel old?
Why do we say “horseback riding”? It seems sort of redundant because I don’t know anyone that goes horsehead riding.
Apparently Yahoo bought Tumblr. In other uninteresting news, AOL bought Myspace.
There is a possibility that there is going to be a reality show about Green Bay Packers fans. There is currently a show about Oakland Raiders fans. It’s called “Cops”.
Marijuana is a gateway drug because every time you use it you end up buying a Gateway computer.
Whitney Houston is still alive every morning when I sing her songs in the shower.
I watch Hoarders so I can find cool new stuff to store in my house.
Nothing reminds you that you’re overweight like trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
If I was a Greek philosopher my name would be Insecurities.
The saying “the customer is always right” does not apply at a strip club. They don't like it when I cry in the V.I.P. room after complaining that my lap dance was too fast.
I remember the first time I saw the movie Psycho. I didn’t shower for a week. It also happened to be my first week in prison.
My parents don’t know much computer lingo. The only word they seem to know is “downloading” but to them everything is downloading. They think going on the internet is downloading. I tell them time and time again that I’m not downloading porn but I’m uploading it. There’s a big difference.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
While some people are worried about the illiteracy rate in this country, I’m more worried about the alliteracy rate.
Calling Nicki Minaj a rapper or singer is like calling yourself a guitarist because you beat Guitar Hero on the easy setting.
Netflix suggested I watch a movie about developing social skills. Fuck you, Netflix.
Once upon a time I pretended to be a priest and snuck into the confessional booth. Sir-Mix-A-Lot came in and said that he also enjoys small and medium sized butts.
The last time someone asked me “what’s up,” I replied, “A movie about the journey of an old man and boy as they float around in a house carried by balloons.”
I think now that it’s summer the odds of reading a blog that was written by someone wearing no pants is at it’s greatest.
I sometimes feel that some people on Friends Lock who come to my site yet aren’t my friends are the same type of people that go to a BYOB barbecue with two beers and then drink everybody’s beer and then crap in the pool.
Does anyone else smell vodka, gonorrhea, and desperation when they open my Xanga page?
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Xanga it’s rape abortion Christianity racism circumcision feminism.
In the beginning, you use Xanga as therapy. At the end, you’re addicted to Xanga. Somewhere in the middle you see a bunch of Xangan boobs.
If you’re offended by something on Xanga there’s really no reason to announce it. From what I’ve noticed is that if you’re offended by something and announce it then that person will go out of their way to offend you all the time. It’s just Xanga. It’s the thing we use all day, every day which ironically holds no value to us.
When I die, I hope Xanga creates a scholarship in my name.
No animals were harmed in the creation of this post.
Friday, 17 May 2013
Sorry I haven't been around and won't be around tomorrow. Yesterday was a rollercoaster of a day. I thought I was feeling pretty good and was set to take the world by the horns or whatever the hell the slang is but I had some health setbacks that will be getting examined tomorrow at a hospital. It's of a serious nature and gross nature so I won't gross you out but I'll just say it involves blood coming out of multiple places where blood shouldn't come out. I spent most of my day in bed watching netflix. I am watching Dinosaurs. I remember watching it when I was a kid and how I just repeated catch-phrases and whatever the hell the baby said. Now I watch it and see that there were some good lessons in the show.
Well here's the meat and potatoes of this post. I was tagged by @wyckdstorm to share 16 facts about myself. I bet a few of you know this stuff about me. If you do just play along.
1. When I was in high school I could slamdunk. I think it had something to do with the muscles I developed from all my weightlifting. I could squat 700lbs and leg curl 300lbs. I think that helps with the legs but by the time I was in college I could no longer dunk.
2. I went to Lutheran school from preschool through college. I went to two high schools. One was a boarding school but it closed after my freshman year because my church body couldn't afford it as well as multiple other boarding high schools and two colleges. The state of Wisconsin bought the campus and it's now a prison. That school was once a Catholic school where young men trained to be priests. The guy who played Norm on Cheers went there for one year. Also one night in the dorm we blocked the doors when the floor supervisor left and we turned the floor into a giant slip and slide. The dorm supervisors and dean of students called the cops who came and busted down the barricades to get us out and in bed because this was about 11:30 and our bed time was 10:30. At my second high school I lived my sophomore year right behind the school(we're talking less than ten yards commute). The guy who lived in the house was the school principal and he housed students who had a long distance to travel. Anyway he died in a car accident about a week before school was supposed to begin. Well they let his wife stay in the house for the rest of the school year. I lived with 2 other guys and the principal's wife. One night we found the principal's keys for the school so we borrowed them and went streaking through the school. My English teacher saw me. She asked me the next morning in class if I was having fun.
3. Some of my nicknames throughout the course of my career have been Tiny (because I'm big and tall in some departments and tiny in others), Tank (During football I loved being able to run right through the line sort of like a tank goes through a wall), and Wurm (I think this came to me from the movie Friday and a guy just started calling me that and it caught on)
4. During school I played football, baseball and wrestled. I think the most memorable experience was my senior year playing in the state championship football game. We played a team whose mascot was "the ledgers". I thought they were a bunch of battling Catholic accountants but it turned out their school was on the ledge of a bluff. The game sucked because I tore up my knee and we lost 55-14.
5. Throughout my life I've coached volleyball, football, weightlifting, track, softball, baseball, and cross-country.
6. I once had coffee and donuts with Brett Favre. He bought a farmette from a doctor in my area and was using as a place to relax and hunt. One morning during the summer I had to go work an 18 hour shift in the Dells. I stopped at the convenience store by my house before I hit the road. Favre was in there eating donuts and drinking coffee and signing stuff and telling everyone that we'd (Packers...I can say "we" because I am a team owner) win the Super Bowl. I casually walked over and grabbed a coffee and some donuts and asked how the line was looking. He laughed. He said that my stuff was on him. I thanked him and more people flooded in and they all began talking about hunting and I had to get to work.
7. I've owned 3 cars in my life, a Pontiac Bonneville, a Chrysler Concorde, and a Chevy Blazer. I have had 5 car accidents in my driving career. 4 of those accidents involved deer. I hit a deer doing about 55 with my Pontiac and that broke a couple ribs. The deer was mangled but it still ran away. I got to the police station because I didn't have a cellphone and there was nothing around. I told a cop I hit a deer and he came out and said, "I'd say you didn't hit it as much as you fucked it up." I then realized that there was a leg on my roof and a bunch of intestines in my grill and bumper. I hit one that came running out of a school parking lot with my Chrysler just two weeks after I bought the car. Then the next time I hit one with the Chrysler was when I was coming home from student teaching and a deer ran in front of me. I didn't know I was on ice and slammed on my brakes and soon I'm facing the direction I'm coming from because my car turned counterclockwise. I ran out of road to slide and flipped off a 30 foot cliff. I woke up a half hour later hanging upside down. I don't know how many times I rolled but when they got my car out the only place in the roof where it wasn't flattened was where I was sitting. I actually still have a bump on my head from that. Then one time I was coming home and I was on ice and a deer jumped out and I hit it's ass with my side mirror and ended up slamming into a ditch filled with snow. I couldn't get out with my 4WD. I think this is some karmic thing because I hunt. When I shot my first deer, I ate its heart in the field so its spirit became a part of me.
8. The hardest thing I ever taught in my teaching career was sex ed to sophomores. I taught it in a religion class so you can guess how we handled sex. Anyway two jokers ask me questions that stuck with me: "Mr. W, I'm a male and I know Jesus was a male and as a male certain things happen...well do you think Jesus ever got boners?" "Mr. W, is S&M sinful?" Maybe I should also include all the times I was asked if oral sex "counted".
9. I have a fear of birds. I was divebombed while on vacation as a kid and the bird crapped all over my face. Also, my aunt and uncle raised parrots and they would attack me. Birds hate me so I avoid them at all costs.
10. I had chicken pox three times as a child. It has left my skin allergic to numerous things which include nickel, ink, and Ivory soap.
11. I was in choir for 7 semesters in college. I was in an all male choir. Some girls say they'd love to spend time in our practice room because there were at least 100 guys in the choir. Remember they were college students and not all have the best hygiene. It got ripe in there.
12. I wear size 17(the American sizing chart) for my shoes. It is damn near impossible to buy shoes. Most shoe stores only carry to a 12 or 13. I have to go to a store that deals with the Wisconsin Badgers. I remember my shoe size was always a source of rumors on the bus. Yes, I rode the bus in high school. I lived away from home during high school and my parents wouldn't let me have a car because they couldn't keep tabs on the car if I was away. Anyway a group of girls asked me my height and my shoe size. I told them and then I heard giggling and then gasps and then muffled, "I really want to see it." I always tried to figure out their devil's math but they refused to tell me. And all these years later I think I've finally figured it out.
13. I once considered myself to be a professional groomsman. I can't even remember how many weddings I've been in as either a groomsman or usher. I'd say maybe close to two dozen. And I was stupid because I always rented tuxes and never bought one.
14. At one point in my life I had 8 piercings. 5 were in my ear and then my eyebrow and I'll let you determine the others.
15. One Saturday I coached a football game in central Minnesota. After the game finished, I hopped in my Blazer and drove 6 hours to Milwaukee to catch a Radiohead show. After the show, I drove back to Minnesota where I was ordained as a minister. I made it back to my house to catch a shower and change.
16. I quit smoking cold turkey on July 3, 2007.
Now who to tag?
@Zissu25 @xDark_horizonx @adamswomanback @distractedbyzombies @Marica0701 @HUMOR_ME_NOW @americanalien @lithium98 @sleekpunk @emily_shannon @raspberryjade @leaflesstree @nov_way @whyzat @jersey_jenn @we_deny_everything
That really helps me aim better.
The Dali Lama knows what's up. When you say "Wisconsin", you've said it all.
Yeah the winters really suck.
Every time it's been brought up the past few days I've said this.
I wonder if they take their work home with them.
Yeah that's about right.
I'd double check too, Lil' Kim
Why is it that every night at about midnight I get bacon cravings?
I really do hate when people call me Sin-a-mmon Bubbles.
Yeah she does
I need to stop writing graffiti.
I now have an idea for my Hanukkah cards.
I find that people outside of Barbie.com don't like it as well.
It's almost here.
Well I have to sign-off for now. I don't know when I'll return. Hopefully the hospital will have wifi. Sigh. I love you, Xanga.
Wednesday, 15 May 2013
I’m thinking of inventing a messaging service like Carfax. It will send you the number of times the previous owner of a car had sex inside of it. I’m thinking of calling it Carfux.
If Jimmy cracked corn, then why should I care? I don’t know Jimmy.I don’t know his life and if he wants to crack corn, then why shouldn’t he? Who am I to stand in the way of this man and his corn cracking?
I hear Kevin Bacon makes a lot of money for his new TV show. I guess he’s really bringing home the him.
Cleveland police have been ordered to take a mandatory class to notice differences of photos of their asses and holes in the ground.
I wonder if when Dr. Kermit Gosnell was declared guilty if he did “Kermit arms” when the verdict was read.
I hope all the moms out there had a good Mother’s Day. It’s a shame there’s not a day like that ford ads.
I would also like to send my deepest regards to all you up against the wall redneck mothers.
My Mother’s Day was strange because my mom sat me down, took off her hair to reveal it was a wig and that she was actually Tyler Perry.
Dear Hallmark, please put out a line of MILF Mother’s Day cards. Sincerely, Oedipus.
My mom used to say that if you can’t say something nice about someone then they’re probably an asshole.
I’m pretty sure this Mother’s Day, LL Cool J’s mom asked him to knock out Brad Paisley.
I can’t believe anyone had unprotected sex with my dad.
I hope my mom doesn’t get the symbolism of flowers being taken out of a place where they lived and put in a sterile vase until they die.
I hope the jizz in my nuts one day gives me expensive things on Father’s Day.
And your mom has now forgotten.
I passed a finger gun law that requires a background check before anyone can use them. Sadly all requests have come back declined because this isn’t an 80s insurance agent convention.
I woke up one morning to find my cats chewing on a box of my Fruit Loops. I guess you could say they are cereal killers. Oh and I also found a bunch of blood and human fingers and toes near where I keep their toys.
Calling me an asshole is like calling water “wet” or Jennifer Lawrence “hot” or Lindsay Lohan “sociopathic criminal”. These are things that are already known and don’t need discussion.
The politically correct terms for someone who has dwarfism are “little person” and “shawty”. I finally know what all those rappers are talking about.
If you buy me sliders from White Castle then you possess my eternal love. I probably shouldn’t say that because people will think I’m a slut for giving up my love just for some fast food. But they’re so tasty.
My life has had its share of bad moments but I suppose it could be worse. I could be one of those guys that are obsessed with My Little Ponies.
I was going to buy a safe but I was saddened to learn that I couldn’t afford one so I bought a dangerous and now I keep my valuables in a pile in my lawn.
I love having the images of certain girls running through my mind all day. I just hope they don’t trip over the bodies of people I’ve killed in my imagination.
They say there’s plenty of fish in the ocean but not for me since I am standing in a desert.
When people tell me that the Twilight books are much better than the Twilight movies, I think that’s the same as saying “dog shit tastes much better than horse shit.” Either way you’re still dealing with shit.
If you believe ethnic stereotypes are true then you’re dumber than the Polish.
1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness. If you look around and don’t see four other people that means they’re out having fun and you’re stuck reading this.
You remember that one Toby Keith song about drinking and America? No, not that one but the other one. No, not that one either. The other one, the one about killing all people that aren’t “normal” color or Christian. Politicians shouldn’t be allowed to exploit the death of innocent people from terrorist attacks for their own gain. That’s Toby Keith’s job.
I had a friend who was a Jehovah’s Witness and he tried to tell me a knock-knock joke. He got pissed off when I ignored him.
Do you know how professional sports athletes pick the number on their jerseys? It’s how many people they’ve murdered.
Why is it “swishy” when Morrissey cavorts about the desert in a sheer black shirt in the video for “November Spawned a Monster” but when Glen Danzig does it on an every day basis it’s considered “fucking awesome”? Please help me answer this because I’m in an argument with a pastor.
Hardee’s will be renaming all their hamburgers “Zuckerburgers” because they’re skinny, ugly, and cost a fortune.
My former girlfriend never liked surprise anal sex and she always warned me that some day it would happen to me. Well that day happened when I tripped on a rake and landed on a lawn dart.
If you were wondering what I did this weekend besides unsuccessful fishing and giving myself a concussion, it was writing an unnecessary sequel to Semi-Pro.
My dad was trying to look up porn online but somehow he wound up posting his searches on Craigslist.
I’m allergic to latex but I use latex condoms every time I have sex because it makes my penis swell up. The only drawback is that every time I have sex I go to the hospital.
Summer time at Walmart is like going to a Hedonism resort just with fewer teeth. It’s amazing how little clothing some people wear in public.
True love means never having to say “excuse me” when you fart.
There aren’t enough songs about love. We need more!
They say silence is golden and this is probably why diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Speaking of silence, a lot of guys say that they like blowjobs from their girlfriend or wife because it gives them silence. If your lady is silent during a blowjob then she’s doing it wrong.
I could probably go vegetarian if I was really self-disciplined about it but I could never go vegan because a life without cheese is a life I really don’t want to live.
And now your weekly dose of motivation:
I have an idea for a TV show where all these girls sit around just eating popsicles, lollipops, bananas, and ice cream cones. Hollywood,hit me up!
If life handed me a shotgun and a bottle of whiskey instead of lemons, life and I would be good friends.
I need to invent time travel quickly because I just came up with some great ALF jokes. I could’ve extended that series by another 5 years.
My girlfriend wanted to play doctor so I diagnosed her as having a coma and then I went to the strip club.
Girls, if your guy goes to Jared to buy you jewelry then you better dump him because you deserve jewelry from a place that doesn’t have annoying TV commercials.
I have a feeling that there’s a person somewhere in the world that has a vagina tattooed inside his masturbating hand.
I accidentally got my testicles stuck in my zipper again. That is the last time I ever wear boots with zippers.
Sleeping alone is twice as lonely in a bunk bed.
I cheated on my SATs in high school. When I was taking them I got up and went to the bathroom and while in the bathroom I took my ACTs.
Before Walmart, where did families wearing Stone Cold Steve Austin t-shirts go to practice yelling each other’s names?
This summer my goal is to impress the ladies more with my hairy chest than all the hair sticking out of my Speedos.
What if the final episode of The Office it is revealed that Creed was actually Dr. Sam Beckett on an extended Quantum Leap mission?
Whenever someone texts me “K”, I text back “Potassium” and then I go masturbate furiously to a picture of the periodic table. No, no one ever texts me.
I hear based on the success of The Great Gatsby, Baz Lurhman is going to do a movie about “A Tale of Two Cities” and it will star Busta Rymes and the first line of the movie will be, “It was the Busta Rhymes, it was the Worsta Rhymes.”
Just once I would like to open a fortune cookie and have it say: “You and Prince will become the bestest of friends and you two will even have a super-secret handshake.”
If you turn all the lights off in your bathroom and stare at the mirror and say “Benghazi” 3 times you will become a FOX News contributor. Oh and while I’m on Benghazi, why is this such a big deal but when during Bush’s term in office there were over a dozen attacks on consulates and embassies and hundreds of Americans died it’s not? Also what about those WMDs? Oh and Halliburton contracts? Also if I had a dollar every time a conservative person tells me that they disagree with the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan since Bush left office then I’d be Bill Gates.
I’m glad there is an international sign for choking because I was always fearful of going to France and grabbing my throat and having them think I liked their turtlenecks.
I was thinking of putting a webcam in my shower to make some extra money because I’m sure there are people out there that would want to see a fat guy showering. The only bad part is that I could only sing public domain songs like “Jimmy Crack Corn” and then I’d go into a discussion with myself about Jimmy’s right to crack corn.
I like when local car dealerships feature ads where the salesman show their children. I refuse to buy a car from a virgin.
I think I’m going to start lying on my resume because I’m pretty sure they won’t ask to measure my penis during an interview.
I’ve lost a few friends on Xanga over the past few days but that’s OK because I’ve haven’t lost the most important friend…you.
Women of Xanga, thanks for ruining real women for me. You’re intelligent, funny, and beautiful and you’re willing to bare your boobs to cure cancer. I love you so much. I would jump into raging waters to rescue you if you were wearing matching bra and panties.
The first rule of Xanga is if you can’t think of anything smart or funny to post about then make fun of those who have.
Here’s a tip on how to use Xanga. Do what you want to do and not what other people want you to do. Also post photos of boobs to gain followers and talk about sex and kiss lots of ass and if all of that fails make multiple accounts pretending to be your family and have these accounts recommend everything you write.
Just remember, some of you may be jealous that you appear on Top Blogs and have thousands of followers while those people could be jealous of you because you have a real life.
Xanga is just like a playground. There’s going to be bullies to kick sand in your face and ruin your fun. Just block them and try to stay away from the creep who is masturbating in the bushes.
Considering yourself to be popular on Xanga is like thinking you’re the sexiest person at the Laundromat.
Don’t take insults on Xanga seriously. More than likely you’re fighting with a 13year old kid on a Mountain Dew high and just because someone acts “immature”towards you doesn’t give you license to act that way to them.
Xanga is one of my only life skills.
I also regret to inform you that this will be my last post until my next post.
Tuesday, 14 May 2013
Hi, I'm back with more questions. I haven't graded last week's assignment because I need to get birthdays into my database. I feel bad because last week I missed two birthdays but I've noticed those Xangans are never around. Hmmm I should probably do a post about Xangans I miss. Well that's for another post but if people want to do it in the meantime then go for it. And Xanga photos still doesn't work...sigh...it's a death rattle.
Here's your new assignment:
Who wins? Why?
Answer two questions to receive full credit and answer all three for extra credit.
Now get to work.
Sunday, 12 May 2013
because it's #caturday
I would say I'm sorry
If I thought that it would change your mind
But I know that this time
I've said too much
Been too unkind
I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try and
Laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
I would break down at your feet
And beg forgiveness
Plead with you
But I know that
It's too late
And now there's nothing I can do
So I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try to
laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
I would tell you
That I loved you
If I thought that you would stay
But I know that it's no use
That you've already
Misjudged your limits
Pushed you too far
Took you for granted
I thought that you needed me more
Now I would do most anything
To get you back by my side
But I just
Keep on laughing
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
I hope everyone has a great weekend and if you celebrate Mother's Day may it be better than mine.