Thursday, 24 May 2012
It's time for another edition of tattoos. These are more of the tattoos I found when asked to find tattoos of certain people.
Hitler...really? Well I guess it's not that bad. I once stumbled upon a Tumblr site run by a girl who has sexual fantasies about Hitler. I honestly would like to meet the person who tattooed Hitler on their body.
Oh...Charlie...it would've been awesome if they included a paperclip with the word "BADNEWS".
@TheSutraDude asked about this tattoo...it's a tattoo of Tattoo from Fantasy Island. Now the fantasy of Tattoo tattoos is complete.
George Costanza...suggest a tattoo and a threesome.
I don't know if I'd trust that tattoo to perform surgery on me in a combat zone.
Mickey Mantle...he was a drinker so maybe that explains the looks of that tattoo.
Julius Caesar...I thought these were the same but they are actually different tattoos.
Jack Daniels...I wonder if I strangled the tattoo I'd get the secret recipe.
Wyatt Earp...he's going to pop a cap in some cowboys tattoo.
Doc Holliday...this tattoo is your huckleberry.
Bat Masterson...something clever about the Old West.
And for the jazz aficionados out there...or maybe I should make that singular...it's Django Reinhardt, the greatest jazz guitarist of all time. We all know Emmet Ray is the second greatest jazz guitarist of all time...MOVIE REFERENCES FOR THE WIN!
Harry Caray...I was hoping the Cubs would've played today so I could've written "Cubs win!" about 100 times with this tattoo. Harry was one of those announcers that was so memorable for me. I sometimes watched the Cubs just for him and to hear him sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game". One of the things I hated and loved about Harry was his storytelling. He'd get into this story and he'd draw your attention and then it turns out he was actually telling it to whomever was in the booth with him and then Harry would say well I can't say the rest on air so I'll finish it during the break. So when I'd tell stories with friends and someone would come by during the conversation I always said, "I'll finish it during the break." Some of my other memories: I caught a Cubs spring training game and Harry was bitching about the facilities and how the stadium didn't have a press box and he was relegated to sitting near the dugout and all he had was a card table. He then went on about being next to an inflatable can of Pepsi on his left and an inflatable can of Mountain Dew on his right and all he wanted was an ice cold Budweiser. Then Harry showed his ignorance or racism in an interview with Hideo Nomo. Nomo was taking the league by storm with his crazy pitching style and who better to interview him than Harry Caray, a guy who wasn't even a master of his own language. Harry started talking about how pitching was different in America and he then asked if Hideo had a hard time seeing home plate because of his slanted eyes. The translator didn't know what to say. Both Hideo and Harry looked at the translator who then said what Harry had said. Hideo's mouth dropped and said something about that attitude being present at the time of World War II and how many people underestimated the Japanese. Harry died a peculiar death. He was on a Valentine's Day date with his wife and he fell and hit his head on a table and he never regained consciousness and had a heart attack in this hospital a few days later.
I hope Jesus forgives this person for that tattoo.
I hope you enjoyed.
A few weeks ago I was asked about what beers I enjoy and I replied that most of what I enjoy is brewed right here in Wisconsin so I thought I'd take you on a tour of some of my favorite brews.
The New Glarus Brewing Company is probably my favorite brewery in the state. I think Spotted Cow may be my favorite beer of all beers. There are so many good beers that this company produces and I had to narrow it down to these. The Belgian Red and Raspberry Tart are fruit beers and come in champagne glasses. They are quite good. The sad thing is they no longer make my favorite beer called Coffee Stout. It was the perfect breakfast beer and went so well with cinnamon rolls. I would load up the back of my blazer with many a case of Coffee Stout to bring back to college.
Next up are two beers from Pearl Street Brewery. They are the That's What I'm Talkin' 'bout Organic Stout and Pearl Street Pale Ale. I was introduced to these beers at a bar in beautiful La Crosse, WI called the Bodega Brew Pub. This bar boasts a menu of 400 beers. I originally went in there because I was driving through town after being at a hospital visiting my dad and passing the world's largest 6 pack of beer, I saw a neon sign advertising a brewery that was in the town where I attended college. I stopped in so I could have a Schell's and the bartender suggested I try the Pearl Street beer after I finished my Schell's. Those were the only two I tried that day because La Crosse has a serial killer that likes to get young athletic men drunk and then he takes them and drowns them in the Mississippi River just a few blocks from all the bars but that's for another post.
Next up is the Sand Creek Brewery out of Black River Falls. I only included two of their beers, the Cranberry Special Ale and the Groovy Brew. Cranberries are a huge crop in this part of the state and now they have found their way into beer. It's actually quite tasty. I don't like cranberry juice but I love cranberry ale. Groovy Brew is a special brew made with special yeast. I have never had a beer quite like it.
Next up is the Tyranena Brewing Company located in Lake Mills. These are the only beers I drink from them, the Stone Tepee Pale Ale and the Bitter Woman IPA. Tyranena is located between Madison and Milwaukee and they sometimes put out a special beer called Brewers Gone Wild. It's a limited edition beer that the brewmaster makes. One year they put out a Bitter Woman from Hell Extra IPA. That was one of the best beers I've ever had.
Next up is the Lakefront Brewery in Milwaukee. I tried to replace the New Glarus Coffee Stout with Lakefront's Fuel Cafe Stout but it's nowhere near as good as Coffee Stout. They recently announced a beer called Wisconsinite that will be brewed with only ingredients found in this state. I like that idea but when I saw the promo photos and what the glass was garnished with...well I was intrigued.
Up near the border with Michigan is where Black Husky Brewing is located and this jewel, Sproose Joose, is a double IPA brewed with spruce. Like the label says, it is quite aromatic and aggressive.
The next brewery is the Potosi Brewing Company. Potosi is in the southwest corner of the state. When I was at my first high school, we played against Potosi and at that time there was no brewery. The Potosi brewery ran from 1852 to 1972 and then closed. A restoration project started around the time I played against Potosi in football. The guy who spearheaded the project must've known I'd be a beer drinker all those years ago. After years of work he had the brewery operational and in 2008 the National Brewery Museum opened. The only thing is, I dislike the flagship beer of this company, Good Old Potosi Beer. The kinds I have enjoyed are Snake Hollow IPA, Cave Ale, and Steamboat Shandy, a beer brewed with cane sugar and lemon juice. I have another Potosi beer in my fridge called Fiddler. I think by the time I'm done with this post I will have to go crack it open.
Next up is the Sprecher Brewing Company. One of my favorite experiences surrounded Sprecher. I went there for the bachelor party for the Croatian Sensation and we drank Sprecher and we drank Sprecher and we drank Sprecher and we ended up at a bar shouting insults at a guy who played keyboards for The Violent Femmes. Sprecher has many fine beers but I think the product they produce that I enjoy most is their root beer or their cherry and cranberry pop called Ravin' Red.
Next up is Point Brewery located in Stevens Point. You can sort of tell I am sexually frustrated by the beer I drink. I remember going to a wedding near Point Brewery and I had never had either of these beers so I bought about 3 cases of each to take back to my place in Minnesota. I felt like I was the Bandit from Smokey and the Bandit.
The people at Minhas Brewery in Monroe give us Lazy Mutt Ale. When this beer came out there were so many commercials on the Madison TV stations and some of the commercials were pretty funny and others were bizarre and some attacked Spotted Cow. I remember the dog attacking a cow and that was supposed to tell us that Lazy Mutt was better than Spotted Cow. Well I haven't seen Lazy Mutt on tap in any bar in this area and Spotted Cow is on tap everywhere. Another interesting thing about this beer is that the bottles had fewer ounces than a regular beer bottle so instead of a six pack you got an 8 pack. It all equaled out the same amount of beer but it was just in two extra bottles. Monroe is quite a town. There is another brewery there called the Joseph Huber Brewery and they produce a pretty good beer but after Hurricane Katrina they also brew for the Dixie Brewing Company. Monroe is also popular for their cheese. So popular that the high school team name is the Cheese Makers. There is one cheese factory in Monroe that is the only place in America that makes Limburger cheese. So the next time you visit Monroe, eat the cheese and drink some beer.
This beer is the Houdini Honey Wheat from the Stone Cellar Brew Pub in Appleton. I first went to Stone Cellar for a wedding rehearsal dinner for my friend Skinny Wolf. It was such a wild time. We were drinking beer from so many different breweries that weekend but I remember this one. It was quite tasty or maybe I'm thinking of Dick Brau brewed in a little brewery in Hortonville that was located next to the only bait shop/beauty parlor/welding supplies store in the state of Wisconsin.
These fine beers are from the Ale Asylum Brew Pub in Madison. Spotted Cow better watch out because Hopalicious is my second favorite beer and could overtake Spotted Cow in the top spot at any moment. I first came into contact with this brewery through the Mad Town Nut Brown which was part of a beer club at a bar in my second hometown, Wisconsin Dells. This bar had a list of 75 beers that you had to drink from Memorial Day through Labor Day. At 25 beers you got a free meal at the bar, 50 beers got you a t-shirt and 75 got you a hoodie. Mad Town was on that list. That was such a great summer spent drinking beer with Skinny Wolf and his bride. I first had Hopalicous at a rap concert at the High Noon Saloon. The show was for albino rapper Brother Ali and it was a 4/20 show. Skinny Wolf and I bellied up to the bar and drank beer and listened to rap and then when Forest Whitaker played we jumped around.
Next is the Capital Brewery in Madison...well technically Middleton but it's all Madison to me but don't tell anyone from Middleton that I said that. Island Wheat is brewed with a special wheat from an island named Washington Island which is off Door County. The wheat has distinct characteristics because of the climate on the island and those characteristics create a unique beer. Supper Club is what they call a typical American lager and is supposed to take us back to the days when the supper club was in vogue. Whenever I sip it, I remember the Gobbler restaurant, a restaurant outside of Madison near Watertown, WI. It was shaped like a turkey and had a rotating bar on the inside.
Next up is the O'so Brewery in Plover, WI. Once again, you can tell I'm sexually frustrated by the beer I drink.
This is Furthermore Brewery in Spring Green. You know what else is in Spring Green? Taliesin by Frank Lloyd Wright so you know this is some good beer. I have no clue what that's supposed to mean but they do produce a good beer even though they don't have a brewery. They started brewing in small batches but couldn't keep up with demand so Sand Creek Brewery brews for them. They have a property in Spring Green that will one day become the brewery. This beer, Fatty Boombalatty, is a bitter Belgian wheat that tastes somewhat like an IPA. Another beer they make that I enjoy is called Fallen Apple. It's an apple cider brewed with a cream ale. The beer initially tastes sweet and then you get a tart flavor from the apples. It's so good. This gives me ideas for what I want to do with my apples one day.
I do enjoy the Leinenkugel's and these are my three favorites. I won't spend much time talking about them because they aren't a microbrew any more. The Leinie's site has taken it down now but they used to have a page of mixes of their beers like half a glass of Sunset wheat mixed with half a glass of their Berry Weiss. Those always made for some interesting pairings.
And finally, here's the Horny Goat Brewing Company. They give us Horny Blonde, Horny Goat Wheat, and Baby Got Bock. I hope you appreciate the photo of the Horny Blonde. You don't want to know all difficult times I had searching Google for a Horny Blonde. Once again..sexually frustrated.
Wednesday, 23 May 2012
If you buy me sliders from White Castle then you possess my eternal love. I probably shouldn’t say that because people will think I’m a slut for giving up my love just for some fast food. But they’re so tasty.
My life has had its share of bad moments but I suppose it could be worse. I could be one of those guys that are obsessed with My Little Ponies.
I was going to buy a safe but I was saddened to learn that I couldn’t afford one so I bought a dangerous and now I keep my valuables in a pile in my lawn.
I love having the images of certain girls running through my mind all day. I just hope they don’t trip over the bodies of people I’ve killed in my imagination.
They say there’s plenty of fish in the ocean but not for me since I am standing in a desert.
When people tell me that the Twilight books are much better than the Twilight movies, I think that’s the same as saying “dog shit tastes much better than horse shit.” Either way you’re still dealing with shit.
If you believe ethnic stereotypes are true then you’re dumber than the Polish.
I like to tell myself that the reason I’m single is because girls are intimidated by my love for Taco Bell and fear they can’t compete with that.
I was in a Chinese restaurant this week and I heard Sarah McCaughlin’s “Arms of an Angel” song and all I could think of was abused dogs and then slowly I lost my appetite. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to eat at a Chinese restaurant again.
Now that Facebook has gone public I don’t know if I want to be there anymore because I’m sure I’ll be able to see what people do with their Farmville animals late at night.
I’m waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump out of a bush and tell me my entire life has been a prank.
1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness. If you look around and don’t see four other people that means they’re out having fun and you’re stuck reading this.
You never see missing kids on milk cartons anymore. I guess we found them all. I credit Pokemon’s influence on this generation. Gotta catch ‘em all!
You remember that one Toby Keith song about drinking and America? No, not that one but the other one. No, not that one either. The other one, the one about killing all people that aren’t “normal” color or Christian.
I had a friend who was a Jehovah’s Witness and he always tried to tell me knock-knock jokes. He got pissed off and stopped being my friend because I always ignored him.
I once microwaved a Hot Pocket for 20 minutes instead of2. I now have a clone of Gary Busey wreaking havoc in my community.
I was listening to “Dancing in the Dark” by Bruce Springsteen and every time I hear the chorus I can’t help but think the song is about a hitman learning how to become an arsonist.
Why is it “swishy” when Morrissey cavorts about the desert in a sheer black shirt in the video for “November Spawned a Monster” but when Glen Danzig does it on an every day basis it’s considered “fucking awesome”? Please help me answer this because I’m in an argument with a pastor.
New pick-up line-ish thing: You know how Medusa turned men to stone when they looked at her? Well when I look at you certain parts of me become hard as stone.
I’ve thought it was pretty interesting how all the girls say to me “I bet you say that to all the girls.”
3 out of 5 Americans still refer to the Vice President as“What’s his name” and have no clue what he does other than get to decide where they order take-out from on Thursdays.
Hardee’s will be renaming all their hamburgers“Zuckerburgers” because they’re skinny, ugly, and cost a fortune.
My former girlfriend never liked surprise anal sex and she always warned me that some day it would happen to me. Well that day happened when I tripped on a rake and landed on a lawn dart.
If you were wondering what I did this weekend besides unsuccessful fishing and giving myself a concussion, it was writing an unnecessary sequel to Semi-Pro.
With the recent deaths of Donna Summer and Robin Gibb,Gloria Gaynor is treading lightly because apparently Death is booking talent from a themed nightclub. You know, for something that happens to everyone, people sure do get shocked when someone dies.
And now your weekly dose of motivation:
Summer time at Walmart is like going to a Hedonism resort just with fewer teeth. It’s amazing how little clothing some people at Walmart wear in public.True love means never having to say “excuse me” when you fart.
There aren’t enough songs about love. We need more!
They say silence is golden and this is probably why diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Speaking of silence, a lot of guys say that they like blowjobs from their girlfriend or wife because it gives them silence. If your lady is silent during a blowjob then he’s doing it wrong.
I have an idea for a TV show where all these girls sit around just eating popsicles, lollipops, bananas, and ice cream cones. Hollywood,hit me up!
Have you ever had the feeling that Dog the Bounty Hunter is what it would look like if Guy Fieri was cast in a remake of Mad Max?
Whenever I see someone with a cellphone clipped on their belt, I approach them, extend my hand, and congratulate them on owning a cellphone.
If life handed me a shotgun and a bottle of whiskey instead of lemons, life and I would be good friends.
I need to invent time travel quickly because I just came up with some great ALF jokes. I could’ve extended that series by another 5 years.
My girlfriend wanted to play doctor so I diagnosed her as having a coma and then I went to the strip club.
7-11 has announced that they are serving kosher Slurpees. I guess I know where I’ll be going when it gets hot and I want to pick up some Hasidic hotties.
I think I’m going to start lying on my resume because I’m pretty sure they won’t ask to measure my penis during an interview.
I’ve lost a few friends on Xanga over the past few days but that’s OK because I’ve haven’t lost the most important friend…you.
Women of Xanga, thanks for ruining real women for me. You’re intelligent, funny, and beautiful and you’re willing to bare your boobs to cure cancer. I love you so much.
The first rule of Xanga is if you can’t think of anything smart or funny to post about then make fun of those who have.
Here’s a tip on how to use Xanga. Do what you want to do and not what other people want you to do. Also post photos of boobs to gain followers and talk about sex and kiss lots of ass and if all of that fails make multiple accounts pretending to be your family and have these accounts recommend everything you write.
Just remember, some of you may be jealous that you appear on Top Blogs and have thousands of followers while those people could be jealous of you because you have a real life.
Xanga is just like a playground. There’s going to be bullies to kick sand in your face and ruin your fun. Just block them and try to stay away from the creep who is masturbating in the bushes.
Considering yourself to be the most popular person on Xanga is like thinking you’re the sexiest person at the Laundromat.
Don’t take insults on Xanga seriously. More than likely you’re fighting with a 13year old kid on a Mountain Dew high and just because someone acts “immature”towards you doesn’t give you license to act that way to them.
I regret to inform you that this will be my last post until my next post.
Monday, 21 May 2012
Class, I sort of forgot to do you last assignment so this will be the last assignment for the school year. Good luck.
Here's your final:
OK, answer two of the three questions. Make sure you answer them thoroughly.
Get to work.
Here's my answers:
A. I would be a bird on Flursday because Flursday doesn't exist. I am afraid of birds so I wouldn't want to be one on any day of the week.
B. I would hope Bruno Mars would catch the grenade for me.
C. OK, here's how my weekend went. Saturday morning I get up to go fishing. I buy the highest SPF sunscreen I could find...SPF 70. We get to the lake I apply said sunscreen and then I fish. I didn't catch any fish but I did catch a bird. As I cast my line out a bird flew into the line and got tangled and thankfully it freed itself. Then a while later I got my lines tangled together and had to fix them and then I got snagged as I was casting and couldn't find my line and I lost a nice lure. Well at the end of the day I go in and realize I am sunburnt even in an area where I applied sunscreen. I hate my skin. I wake up Sunday and it's hot as all get out and I break out in a sweat while getting dressed. The guest pastor at my church was a college classmate and his wife was there and they have three kids. I am single. My mom asked if I wanted to go with her and my aunt to a home improvement store. I figured it'd be nice to get out and not wallow in my loneliness. I decided to stay in my aunt's van so I could nap because I was worn out from my fishing and sunburn. I fell asleep and my head is hanging back and I wake up suddenly because something startles me and I bang my head on the roof of her van and I gave myself a concussion. I was knocked loopy and I had no clue where I was. My mom sees me and I'm bleeding on my forehead and she asks me what happened and I told her I can't remember. Well once I loaded up the half ton of mulch and soil they bought and then unloaded it at my aunts house and loaded it into my mom's car and unloaded at my mom's house I went to the hospital, yep, I had a concussion. Well I go home and then wake up at 6 because I had to go to the hospital for tests. Maybe that wasn't totally ridiculous but I thought catching the bird was bizarre.
Well it's been a fun "school year" of doing these. I hope you enjoyed. I thank you for all the work you put into my site. Now I think I'm off to ice the lump on my head.
Sunday, 20 May 2012
I alluded to something in my Celebrity Round-Up about this post. It's famous people with cats. This pretty much sums up what I do around here. #caturday
And now some funny ones...or at least I think so.
And then I went fishing today and I think I'm the only person who could go fishing and not catch a fish but yet catch a bird. And of course I caught myself a few times for good measure.