I sit here thinking that it is time to make fun of some people other than myself.  Right now, making fun of people is helping me feel better about my situation.  Everything is losing it’s thrill, but not crappy tattoos which are so depressing it makes me feel better.

Who would have thought that a person with a Mountain Dew tattoo also would have Sponge Bob sheets on their bed?  I certainly would have never in a million years saw a correlation between the two.

I always thought Jesus was perfect in all aspects.  This certainly can not be the Christ I have learned about.  He looks like something Picasso might have doodled on a bulletin in church.  Do you get the idea that the guy with the Mountain Dew tattoo and this guy got together and smoked a little too much weed and then decided to tattoo each other?  I do.

Historical events make for interesting tattoos but not as interesting as celebrity breakdowns.  Oh my god, why?  I just love the words.  I think they mean oops I just got another crappy tattoo.  By the way, why does Britney look like a feminine Charles Manson?

What a loving memorial!  Please.  It is one thing to honor the dead but why honor their rotting corpse.  Seriously, that is what the tattoo looks like or maybe a zombie.  These type of tattoos are always a miss.

Yes, finally a dryer.  Why tattoo an appliance on your body?  Maybe he is the Maytag man. 

Two words: BAD ASS.  Is that a guy?  If it is then the tattoo is a LITTLE fruity.  Hmmm…Patton Oswalt has finally made a guest appearance on my blog.

At first I thought this was just someone who took a pen and drew on their leg.  Not so!  They actually tattooed this on their leg.  For the love of Pete, why?  I am just not understanding why it is that people get tattoos like this.  All I know is that whoever did this must have been on some sort of chemical substance.

Follow your nose to another crappy tattoo.

If you are going to get a ferocious wild animal tattooed on your body make sure they look ferocious and not like a special needs student who has to wear a helmet while they are seated on the short bus.

Meat Curtains???? Get it????  I am sort of understanding the cobwebs and broken glass but the fly, what is up with that fly?  Oh now I think I get it but then I never get “it”.

More meat curtain tattoos.  This is just too scary for even me.

Well I look forward to this weekend.  I think I will drink myself into a state and then I will know enough not to get a tattoo.

Another boring day.  Uh.  I am dying here. 

SO what exactly is the point?  I have always wondered how they determine who is who when putting together yearbooks or in photos in general.

How about you get spellcheck MORON!!!!!!!!!

Oh he is so lazy or maybe he is just taking an afternoon siesta.

Alanis Morrisette needed to include this in her song “Ironic”.

Spray paint is so much fun.

There is something strangely perverted about this billboard.

McDonald’s still claims to be healthy food.   Anywhere someone says childhood obesity is an epidemic there is a McDonald’s ad luring children to beg their parents to take them to the golden arches in order to get the newest happy meal crap toy.  At least Morgan Spurlock had the cojones to challenge McDonald’s.  Thank you Morgan Spurlock.

Who loves you more baby?  Right now I would have to say my cats.

Oh man where do I begin?

Coffee also may keep you up at night.

No no no no no

These guys are the reason that people think lawyers are a bunch of pricks.

Well I am beat.  I laughed too hard.  More tomorrow.

Britney Spears may be facing a year in prison for her less than memorable hit and run accident this summer. 

One of the most recent pictures of Britney.  She is looking pregnant again.  I guess I don’t see what all the fuss is about her being overweight.  I think she looks good.  I just would not want to be with her knowing that she has slept with K-Fed and all the drugs she has done but then who am I kidding, she has a pulse, therefore a potential girl for me.

O.J. Simpson has been in the news lately.  I wish his girlfriend,  Paula Barbieri, was in the news more.  Wow, those tan lines.  I would love to see how she covers those impressive peaks.  Did you ever notice how much she looks like O.J.’s first wife?

So remember the O.J. murder trial quote “If the glove doesn’t fit, then you must acquit”?  Well this new trial’s motto will be “If it is his shit, then you must acquit”.  O.J., I think you Naked Gun film career is now officially over.

Amy Winehouse on the left, Vanessa Hudgens on the right.  Interesting.  I love both but Amy Winehouse definitely makes better music.  When Vanessa Hudgens starts singing jazz then I may just have to lose sleep over her.

Nicole Richie finally met her biological parents.  Oh she is pregnant.  Blah blah blah, the only reason she is relevant is because she was sucking at Paris’ virtual teat.  Who cares?

Christina Aguilera is pregnant as well.  Pregnancy agrees with her and see-through tops.  Silver dollars.

Ice-T, I am envious, but of course all that silicon will some day leak and then reak all sorts of hell on her body but in the mean time I am envious. 

Meg White of The White Stripes was rumored to be in a sex tape floating around the internet. 

Oh Meg, you are so volputous.  I would love to icky thump you.  I just will have to dream to see you in the raw because it wasn’t you in the tape it was….

Porn star, Natasha Nice. 

Well until some celebrity does something absolutely crazy, enjoy.

If a girl makes you wear a condom, you probably didn’t need it, and if
she doesn’t make you wear one you probably should have worn two. Life
is full of irony. And sex disease.

Isn’t that cute?  Anyway I stumbled across this article while searching for dating websites where women are searching for overweight guys.  No such luck in finding a website however I found this article and it was uplifting.  I wish women would see me as me and not some fat guy who is ugly.  Give it a read.

Still, the fat guy is essentially a peaceful creature. War is for the thin.
Fighting requires effort, and minimum effort is the mantra of the fat guy.
Efficiency and economy of movement are the fat guy’s greatest allies. The
thin think nothing of bounding up four flights of stairs, running to catch a
bus or invading a Caribbean nation, but fat guys plan their days around
avoiding these very situations.

But they don’t
avoid dating. Dating is eating. Nearly every date centers around a
meal, and fat guys are far and away the best dining companions. They
are uninhibited eaters, they know all the best restaurants and they
know how to cook. Therefore, fat guys are the best dates.

The thin choose restaurants based on ambience; fat guys choose restaurants
because the food is good. The thin may know how to operate a grill (badly)
and make breakfast (badly), but every fat guy intuitively knows how to truss a capon, bake a wedding cake and roast a whole hog.

The fat guy’s love life is inextricably linked to his love of food. For the
fat guy, food and sex are two points on a continuum. No fat guy would ever
dream of making a move on a girl without first feeding her a nice meal — it’s
just not done. And when you’re out with a fat guy you don’t have to worry
about looking like a pig. You can eat whatever you want, because nothing
makes a fat guy hornier than a girl who can devour a big steak (although fat
guys also appreciate skinny girls because they represent leftovers). As an
aside, fat guys can hold their liquor. This is a simple biological fact.
Remember those charts they show you in driver’s ed? How much you can drink is a direct function of how much you weigh.

And who better to bring home to mom than a fat guy? Mothers, especially
immigrant mothers who speak little English and have yet to be co-opted by
American neuroses, love men who can eat. They (correctly) equate eating
prowess with intellect and potential for success.

The fat guy wages a stealthy seduction. The woman sees the fat guy as a
confidant. She thinks the relationship is platonic. Eventually, she marries
the fat guy. Sound familiar?

When it comes to
sexual prowess, women in the know prefer fat guys because fat guys are
better in bed. The thin and the fit like to demonstrate their manliness
by getting on top and banging away, but no fat guy in his right mind
would do the equivalent of 100 pushups when he has the opportunity to
lie on his back. Plus, do you know what the odds are of a girl getting
off in the missionary position? If I have to tell you, you’re obviously
not a fat guy. But do you know what the odds are of a girl getting off
when she’s on top? Pretty damn good. And with minimal effort (i.e.,
reach down and help out with your fingers), you can make that a virtual
lock (if that doesn’t work, it’s her problem — not yours). For every
hard-bodied two-pump-chump out there, there’s a fat guy ready to lie
back and provide an erect instrument for as long as need be.

Fat guys are
particularly well-suited to being passive sex partners for
fit-and-trim athletic girls who have the stamina to ride all night.
You’ve
seen the couples; now you know why. If you want a man who will make the
earth move, a fat guy is still your best candidate (see inertia and
Newtonian physics, above). Remember when Chris Farley and Patrick
Swayze had a dancing contest on “Saturday Night Live”? Yeah, you know
what I’m talking about.

The best thing
is that fat guys sincerely appreciate women who deign to
sleep with them, because every fat guy harbors the deep-seated fear
that he’s unattractive. And really, what many women want (more so even
than great sex) is to be appreciated. Fat guys are particularly
appreciative of
fellatio, because it’s the ultimate in minimum-effort sex, even less
strenuous than masturbation. And fat guys are themselves masters of
oral
sex, because their mouths are so agile and in such good shape from all
that
eating (and because all they think about is sex, food and maybe Seven
of
Nine on “Star Trek: Voyager”).

There was a time
in history when, to get respect, you had to be fat. It
meant you were affluent. It meant you were healthy. Now it’s all
twisted
around: You can never be too thin or too rich, they say. But while it’s
possible nowadays for anybody on food stamps to maintain an impressive
body weight by eating potato chips and Entenmann’s chocolate doughnuts,
the fat-as-healthy stereotype is making a comeback — at least in the
gay
community — and it’s only a matter of time before straight people
catch on.

It’s simple: As my friend David, they gayest guy I know, put it to me,
“Everybody knows fat guys don’t have AIDS. In the gay community, fat is in.”

I don’t know why, but whenever there are changes in the weather I get sick.  Right now my head is throbbing and I feel dizzy.  I think after I write this I am going under the blanket and watching football.

Well, Superman’s true colors finally shows.  The only thing odd is that it made Superman his opposite, evil.  I think in all the postings I have done about Superman you should know by now that he is an evil dickhead.  Speaking of dickhead, what exactly is the helmet of hate?  It looks like something out of an adult movie I once saw.

This cover seems so gay even though it is about kissing Lois.  Just take a look at Batman caressing Aquaman.  Oh the early day of comics were so innocent!  It is nice to see the Green Arrow getting some action albeit with Lois Lane’s lips.

Super marble skills. 

I know it isn’t a full comic but I thought it was funny nonetheless.

You may want to click on it to view a larger image or save it and enlarge with your own photo viewer.  All I know is that in my 19 years of parochial education and three years teaching in the parochial system, I have never came across these stories.  Seriously, if they incorporated these stories into churches, I think the churches could grow in numbers, but the numbers would swell with people like me, NERDS!

A comic involving Superman and Don Rickles supposedly has the greatest climax in comic history.  Yes, and I think that eventually my writing will be nominated for a Pulitzer.

Take your time with this cell.  Is it what the hatted man is saying that is funny?  Is it what the bespectacled man is saying? No to both.  Take a look at the rabbit.  Who just said comics were innocent?

YES!  I would so go to the church that offers this comic.  Hitler is trying to crucify Jesus who sees God and says that he is saved.  Something is wrong here but oh well.  I love the fact that this is the second issue.  God, I would have loved to see the other issues.

This little comic is about a girl who hates Jews and loves the Fuhrer.  She has to battle racial impurity by turning on her neighbors and willing having sex with German soldiers in secret ceremonies located inside of cemeteries to insure that the conceived children will possess the spirits of dead German warriors.  Yeah, it really isn’t about that but I just can’t imagine that real German girls went through with that stuff.

Whoa, she found out.  It has been so obvious.  I think there is some subliminal message here with Superboy stroking the log.  I just don’t know but I think it may have something to do with sex.

Well here we see Allen Funt discovering the secret identity of Superman.  I used to hate that show but not as much as I hated America’s Funniest Home videos. 

There is just something wrong here. 

Well I am off to get better.  Go Badgers.

Thunder storms really bring me down.  The changing pressure really does something to my knees and ankles.  They also make me depressed in a way.  Oh well I decided to change things up a bit.  Today I will be doing my celebrity doll review.

This is a hot seller for children with Republican parents.  If you want crap then buy this doll and it will be Mission Accomplished.

This doll isn’t so much a celebrity but it is a famous doll.  This was the first gay doll marketed for children.  Gay Bob came complete with a purse and the catalogue featured items such as leather jackets and face masks.  Apparently this doll wasn’t solely intended for children.  I was confused at first because I thought the only type of gay person that wore plaid were butch lesbians.

I grew up in the 80s.  I liked the A-Team, but no way in hell would I consider Mr. T a hero.  He was a fool.  If you ever have the fortune to catch an episode of The A-Team, hopefully it is one in which they have to fly somewhere.  See Mr. T’s character, B.A. Baracus, was afraid to fly.  In order to get B.A. on the plane they had to drug him.  Isn’t that a wonderful message to children?  They simply wouldn’t just hand him the sleeping pills, no, they always, I repeat ALWAYS, put them in a cheeseburger.  Every time he was offered a cheeseburger during the course of the series The A-Team had to fly somewhere and he ended up getting knocked out.  I wish they had a reunion special and it turns out that B.A. is addicted to sleeping pills.  I truly pity Mr. T.

It was bad enough having to put up with The Osbournes on TV but now they are in doll form.  At least this version of Kelly will only talk if you press her buttons…sort of like real life but the doll form shuts up automatically and doesn’t have daddy issues.

So is Rosie supposed to be paired with Barbie?  Could you imagine how much fun I could have with a Rosie doll and a George Bush doll?  It would elevate my comedy career to all new heights.  The sad news with the Rosie doll is that she was fired from a talk show hosted by a doll form of Barbara Walters.

This is from the Madmen of the 20th Century collection.  Actually it isn’t but really, WTF?  Who would give their kids a Hitler doll or who would even want to own a Hitler doll?  Oh yeah, white supramicists.

Too bad it didn’t come with any other accessories such as a bong or gats.  By the way wasn’t 12 Inches of Snoop the title of the porno series he hosted?

Good thing this doll didn’t come with Cher or skis, both will kill you in the long run.

Kid tested, Xenu approved!

Like Vanilla Ice’s career this blog is finished.
 

Today is national ADHD Awareness Day.  I was thinking of speaking about my ongoing bout with ADD but I have decided that…wow my neighbor sure has a lot of apples that he is taking into his house, I wonder why he has so many apples, I bet he will make applesauce, applesauce sounds good just like Kanye West.

Enough jokes about my suffering.  Bring on the tattoos.

This tattoo has garnered its owner no respect, no respect I tell you. 

An incest tattoo?  I thought Papa Smurf created all the Smurfs so why would Papa Smurf be smurfing Smurfette?  This tattoo is a smurf-blower.  Don’t you love Papa Smurf’s thumbs up?  As much as I like the Smurfs, I have to give this tattoo a thumbs down.

I am beginning the think that some of these tattoos are just painted on with markers because who in their right mind would tattoo this on their arm.

It has a STD, that is why it is leaking.

I bet the Da Vinci Code people had a heyday with this tattoo. 

But it is on a guy’s back….oooooooooooooooooooooooooooh.

This tattoo isn’t GRRRRREAT!

I love Bob Saget.  Do not think of his stint on America’s Funniest Home Videos or Full House.  You need to find some of his stand-up.  He is absolutely the dirtiest man.  He did one bit about which Olsen Twin he wanted to score.  You also need to hear him doing a joke called The Aristocrats.  All that said, no way would I tattoo him on my ass.

Ok, I don’t know where to start: the American Gothic spoof or the alien motif.  Holy crap, I used the word motif on my blog.  I think that is a first.

So there is no specific crappy tattoo here but I just thought it is hilarious looking at these tattooed men caressing each other.  I call it “Thug Love”.

So racist tattoos exist and this is one of the least erotic.  Lady, I love the scorched earth policy but I, like bathroom towels, can come in any color.

Proof positive that crappy tattoos work against you. 

Well I am off to score some applesauce.

Last Friday I took a drive to Baraboo, WI to see a pair of friends.  It was my first opportunity to see their new house.  After the initial pleasantries, beers, and tour of the house we decided it was time to head out to the bars.  We decided to go to the bars in Baraboo.  That decision led me to one of the freakiest experiences of my life. 

I had heard rumors of a haunted restaurant in Baraboo however I just dismissed it as older people’s way to tell me to stay out of bars.  Then my friend related a tale of a haunted bar just down the street.  I figured it must be some sort of ploy to get people into the bar.  Well we arrived and upon entry I noticed a strange vibe.  I also noticed there were only two other people in the bar besides my party and the bartender.  As we went to sit down the other people got up to leave.  I thought to myself that this place certainly isn’t haunted with customers.  Although I was proven wrong during a later conversation with the bartender.

Our order was taken and we had Leinenkugel’s Creamy Dark.  I was blown away that they only charged $2 for each glass.  They also had Miller High Life on tap which is something that I don’t see everyday.  We started talking with the bartender, and me being as ballsy as I am, asked the bartender if it was true that this place, The Old Baraboo Inn, was haunted.  He regaled us with tales of the origins of the bar and what it used to be.  It was very interesting to hear this guy tell the history of this one building in the old circus town.  It definitely wasn’t the type of history I learned about in grade school.  Wisconsin was a wild place back in the 1860s and Baraboo was one of the wildest towns.  Besides being winter home and headquarters for the Ringling Brothers circus, Baraboo was also a meeting point for railroads from Chicago and Minneapolis.  Needless to say, Baraboo had a nefarious reputation.  The Old Baraboo Inn was one of the places where that reputation was earned. 

Listening to the stories about the gun fights and brothels and prostitutes really made me feel strange.  I started to get chills followed by hot flashes.  It was strange.  The owner then stopped mid-sentence and said to look at his arms.  The hairs were standing on end and he explained that there must be a spirit around.  Now I was getting antsy.  Listening to more and more stories about the place just was really making me feel a connection to the spirits.  Now, some of you may be asking yourselves, “But I thought this guy was educated.”  Yes, I am educated but there are just some things out there that I can’t explain.  I do believe there are spirits.  I do not know if they are actually a person or an imprint that the person has left behind.  Now I will stray from Baraboo and delve into my life.

I had an imaginary friend as a child.  Now it seems ridiculous to think about however many studies have been conducted to determine what imaginary friends are and if they are indeed spirits.  I still remember my imaginary friend’s name, John.  The strange coincidence with this name is that the first place in which I lived was an apartment above a furniture store.  One of the employees died in the furniture while moving a piece of furniture and can you guess what his name was? John.  There are many other occurrences in from my life that deal with the paranormal such as seeing my then recently departed grandmother petting my cat one night  or a then recently departed uncle smoking cigarettes in his chair for a split second and having the lingering smell of smoke remain in a house when none of the inhabitants were smokers. 

I grew up in a strange part of the country.  The state of Wisconsin has the largest number of practicing witches in the United States.  Also, about 7 miles from my hometown there is a small town that has a spiritualist camp where people take classes to become witches or hone their psychic abilities.  It was during recess at the Lutheran grade school in said town that the spiritualist camp descended from the bluff above our playground to bow down to our school’s trees and conduct secret ceremonies.  Also there has been Satanic cult activities in the area involving animal mutilation.  My grandmother also told stories of how she watched Native American spirits traveling on the abandoned railroad.  Needless to say I have had some experience to the paranormal.

Back to Baraboo, as I was drinking my Creamy Dark, I felt a presence.  At first I thought nothing of it until I felt intense pressure around my throat.  It wasn’t a light grab or a brush, this was almost as if I was being choked.  Of course I wasn’t choking but I felt like something was trying to choke me.  Then one of the motion sensor machines came on and no one went by it.  We decided to wrap up our night at the Old Baraboo Inn soon thereafter. 

It was an interesting night to say the least.  I came home and looked up some information on the site online and found some interesting articles. 

Wisconsin State Journal article

Milwaukee Visitor’s Guide with picture of the bar

La Crosse Tribune article

WMTV Madison NBC affiliate article

I hope you find these articles interesting as well as my writing.  If you are a skeptic.  I was when I entered the Old Baraboo Inn and right now I can say that I am not that skeptical.  Also, PLEASE no jokes about BaraBOO.

I like celebrity gossip.  I guess it helps me escape my crappy life.  I know these are old but who cares, it’s celebrity gossip.

OK this isn’t so much gossip other than I am totally enamored with Anna Kournikova.  Oh my goodness.  Is it me or does that tennis racket appear to be serving a dual purpose.  I bet she has a rabbit style grip.

Anne Hathaway, you really need more sun before you wear a bikini.  I think my retinas are burning.  Please cover up.  Normally I love women in bikinis but this is too white and unhealthy.

I can’t wait for Flavor of Love 3.  I hope it has I Love New York 2 as the lead-in.  Bootz, I miss you.  Maybe VH-1 will give you a show.  Apparently all you have to do to get a show on VH-1 is have a pulse and surpass your 15 minutes of fame.  Hmmm, I have an idea…John Wayne Bobbit is in a house with 20 women and all them have convictions of assault against men and he has to find true love without getting the remainder of his real penis sliced off.  It could be called Slice of Love.

I don’t know if Colt Brennan of the University of Hawaii classifies as a celebrity but his hair does.  That is the coolest.

Apparently all Jessica Simpson is good for these days is wearing shear tops that accentuate her luscious nipples.  Yes, I have problems but at least I know that chicken of the sea isn’t really chicken.

Grandma?  Barbara Billingsley of Leave it to Beaver?  Either way Paris Hilton is looking like she is ready to enter the next phase of her life, the one where she stays at home and knits, bakes cookies, and hopefully isn’t too harsh on the beaver.  Come on, you knew that is where I was going.

Maggie Gyllenhahl you are so hot.  I love the 50s pin-up/goth look.  For just giving birth she looks great.  DO NOT TELL ME ABOUT AIR-BRUSHING!!!!!!!!  The bondage and the black lace and the black corset covering the stretch marks….I really have problems.  Doesn’t she remind you of Bettie Page?  Who is Bettie Page you ask, well here she is.

Jenna Jameson circa 2004

Jenna Jameson from September 2007.  Something is amiss.

Oh Britney, you have taught a generation of girls that lesbianic play turns guys on and is “sexy”.  Britney, even though you are white-trash with no future, you have entered my hall of fame.

Oh Britney, when will you learn.  People respect you for your musical talent and not flaunting your sexual prowess and overall beauty….hey, even I tend to make mistakes.

This is the only way Britney Spears will make headlines.  I bet five years from now she is in porn.  Check with Vegas, I think they have 3/2 odds of her ending up in pornos.

Don’t worry, I still have to get the post about the haunted bar.  I am writing my thoughts down about the place as well as my thoughts as to the spirits.  I also have another edition of Terrible Tattoos and Crappy Comics and a special celebrity doll post coming.  Stay tuned.