Why do I always set myself up for failure?  I just don't get what is so wrong with me. 

Are you ready for a quiz?  Here are some of my favorite rebus puzzles.  Answers appear at the bottom of the posting.

#1

#2

#3

#4

#5

#6

#7

#1.  Read between the lines
#2.  Sloppy seconds
#3.  Put it in the butt.
#4.  Threesome
#5.  Bitches ain't shit
#6.  Condom
#7.  Six pack

It is getting colder outside.  It is nearly Christmas.  Usually on nights like tonight I would just down a bottle of Evan Williams and call it a night.  Tonight I am going to start off with a steaming hot amount of Coco.

God I am so turned on by women who have a matching purse and coat ensemble.  Actually no but this is Coco.

Adrianne Palicki of Friday Night Lights sure knows how to light up my Friday Night.  Now if only she was dressed as Mrs. Claus, I could say that she makes my pole point north.

Here we see Britney modeling for her newest venture: blow up doll.  Actually she is in a gas station.  She is showing the paparazzi that she just stole a lighter.  Yes, she was proud of this and then her handler decided that Britney didn't need a shoplifting conviction during her recent custody battle so the handler paid $1.25 for the lighter.  Britney you are a badass.  Britney didn't show up for a deposition in court this week because she said she was sick from anxiety.  Later on in the evening Britney was seen out and about and she said that she was actually not sick but upset because her assistant was not allowed to purchase Britney's morning venit frappachino from Starbucks because Starbucks has forbidden Britney or her staff from shopping at their stores because of the media circus following her in the stores.  Also, she was supposedly going to debut her new video on the news show 20/20 of all places this evening.  You can see it here.  All I have to say is that she looks rather constipated and trying to push out a major dump. 

Hayden, you don't know what you are doing to me.

Legendary wife beater and singer, Ike Turner, died this week.  I never really was a fan but I do know that the horrible movie, What's Love Got to Do With It, portrayed him as the devil incarnate.  This is one of the funniest headlines I have seen in awhile.

It has been rumored this week that Queen Latifah got married.  I have been thinking what guy would marry her but according to reports Queen Latifah may be a lesbian and this woman she is with is her new wife.  I, in all confidence, can say the Queen is actually the king in their relationship.

In an interview this week Jack Nicholson said that it is possible he could have 9000 kids.  That is a rather large admission.  Here I thought I was a slut but then I guess my hands don't count.

I was wondering how Jack could get 9000 women.  I mean he isn't extremely attractive and he isn't the best actor in the world.  Then I see a picture like this and I have no doubts that Jack is the man.

Here are a couple of shots of the Kim Kardashian Playboy spread.  Okay the pearls creep me out because it is a euphemism and she looks like she has a botched Brazilian.  In her ass picture it doesn't look freakishly large.  Maybe she wears a prosthetic.

I was watching a celebrity news show and it said that Lauren Conrad had a big announcement to make.  I think it was just to announce that she was on the cover of a fitness magazine but I like her showing her big announcement to me.  OK that didn't come out right.  I like that she is showing me sideboob.  Yes, it is nice and big.  I will listen attentively to any other announcements that she makes.

Lily Allen knows how to make me smile.

Jessica Alba is pregnant.  Her boyfriend Cash Warren is the father.  I can't believe she fell for a guy named Cash.  I guess he is going to be living up to his name, that and knowing that he fathered her child.  I can see his smug smile all the way here in the Midwest.

Rumors are spreading that Lindsay Lohan is already back to drinking and doing drugs.  The good thing about her rehab has been that she has been bra free since she was released.

Jessica Simpson is doing her best Anna Nicole Smith impersonation.  Jessica is so desperate to have a breakthrough movie role that she is desperately trying to get the role in a movie that Hollywood insiders say that whoever gets the female lead role will automatically get an Oscar nomination.  The only downside to the role would be that there would be numerous amounts of nudity.  I think she would still be annoying naked and probably fart and burp and talk about cans of tuna all the while I am trying to stare at her plastic chest.  Here's hoping that she lands this role and it doesn't go straight to dvd like her last movie.

Um, Maria Sharapova, remember two weeks ago when I warned Shia Lebouf about the dangers of eating bananas in public?  No, well carry on then.

Katie Holmes is brainwashed.  Here is a recent quote, "Tom likes me in a suit and a mini every now and then. I like it when he
likes it. It makes me blush. He’ll say, ‘You look good. I hope
security’s going with you.’ Now that gives me attitude."  Well, Katie, you're not the only one that Tom likes in a suit.  You just happen to be the only one who wears "woman pants".  Katie also went on to say how he like her to dress up as a sweaty football player, burly construction worker, and David Beckham.  Then her collar started shocking her and her assistants had to carry her away.

I really dislike Desperate Housewives.  I just think it is a horrible show and it is inspiring women to pull some of the crap that they pull on that show.  Well I think the writers on strike should listen to this story so that they can somehow import it into a Desperate Housewives storyline.  Tony Parker is married to Eva Longoria, star of Desperate Housewives.  Well this French model was recently interviewed and said, "We had room service. He said that Eva, sexually speaking, does not
want to do certain things. She does not want to make love in front of a
mirror, does not like certain positions and thinks that sperm gives you
acne."  So this has been taking place while there is also rumors running that Eva Longoria is pregnant.  Oh and you may be asking yourself when Tony met the model.  It was at his wedding of course and within weeks of marriage Tony started text messaging her.  Ladies, I have text messaging on my phone....just to let you know.

Here are newlyweds Pam Anderson and Rick Solomon.  This has to be a photo that they are sending to television networks to show that they are ready to have their own reality show.  Hell, they are giving those shows out to everyone.  I am in negotiations to have my own reality series.  Well no I am not but I think I am as famous as some of the people on tv, especially all the reality series on TLC.  The dog had no comment.

I saw this poster earlier this week and I have to admit I have an erection.  

Jenna Jameson is still alive but she is slowly melting away.  
This is how I will always remember Jenna.

Have a good weekend.  

Why do I find this so hot?  I love G4.

Today is an interesting day.  First it is the feast of St. Lucy. Because her extreme beauty attracted too many
admirers, Lucy gouged her own eyes out. Miraculously they grew back. After
refusing to marry, the Romans forced her to become a whore. Early
depictions show Lucy offering her eyes on a platter; she is now the patron
saint of Sicily and of opticians.  Secondly, the Mitchell Report on steroids was released today and is implicating many players engaging in steroid use.  It is so widespread.  They are saying about 10% tested positive during the so called drug years but more players were probably using and avoided the testing or somehow covered up their use.  Also the use of Human Growth Hormone wasn't tested.  I think we need to find a new national past time.  I think that should be analyzing crappy tattoos.

Oh wow! A tree!  This is so cool.  Yes, I would just love to have a tree tattoo.  Maybe this guy is a dendrophiliac. 

So I think I understand what this means.  It means this girl is trying to be deep an meaningful through a $100 worth of ink underneath her skin.  "I'm free as a bird"  Really, how is that considered deep and artsy?  I crap more intelligent things than this tattoo.

So what the hell is this supposed to be?  Is is a pirate?  Is it a genie?  Is it a mystic lady with a crystal ball?  All I know is that I see a cat that looks like crap.  That is not an LOL Cat, more like a crying to put it out of its misery cat.

I think people should seriously use spell check or grammar check before they get a tattoo.  Is the tattoo artist to blame?  No, the artist simply follows instructions...sort of like a Nazi.

Why? Why? Why?  Do people just go into a tattoo parlor and say, 'Give me $100 worth of work because that is all I can afford right now'?  I guess this girl only need the cow and the spoon to complete this work of crap.
 
Ick-abod Crane would probably crap his pants if he saw this tattoo.  Yes, that is a reference to 19th century literature.

I just hope this isn't a tribute tattoo.  I seriously do not know any parent that gives their baby a bottle that is larger than the baby.  I think that would pose a lot of problems for the child. 

I like cars.  I just don't think I could ever bring myself to tattoo a car logo on my body.  OK, I have thought of getting the Chevy bowtie tattooed on my throat because that way I am always ready for a classy situation.

Is it possible to be too devoted to Star Wars?  Well I think this guy answers that question.

I think that tattoo will look worse after the baby is born. I also hope that ink doesn't soak through and mess up the baby.  I really can't find something funny to say because this looks so sad.

Hey, I caught her at the right angle.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA  How cool is it to see a tattoo of the Pythagorean Theorem?  Well it is for nerds like me.  Actually I hated geometry and only passed because I was in football. Strangely I also did poorly in Algebra I but I aced Algebra II.  FREAKY!  Geometry class was a blast because I got to sit next to the hottest girl in my class all year.  Thank you God and thank you faulty brain.

Why is it that Che Guevara looks like he is Chinese and has Down's Syndrome?  Maybe Chris "Corky" Burke could be the next revolutionary hero that has his likeness tattooed on hairy people and emblazened on t-shirts at your local Target.  Hey, Corky does have his own album out there but it is about eating properly and not bringing down a corrupt government.  You have to start out slowly in the revolutionary business, and who knows what "slow" really means better than Corky?

I think this is a tattoo to protest the war in Iraq or AFLAC.

I find no need to argue.  I would question the dog without legs but the message is loud and clear and agreeable.

This tattoo, radical?  Not really.

Did the monkey get spanked for getting a crappy tattoo?  Well I think the owner should get spanked for getting a masturbation euphimism tattooed on his butt.

Give peace a chancer or at least a flaming dagger stabbed through it.

Prepare yourself for the scariest tattoo of all time.

Grandma tattoos.  EEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This should be a deterent to all people who want to get tattoos.  They should view this photo to see what it will look like in 50 years.

Everyone in baseball is on drugs and I think many of these people had to be under the influence to get their crappy tattoos.  Maybe I need to find another past time.  Yes, tomorrow...celebrity gossip.

One of my favorite internet fads this past year has been LOL Cats.  People submit funny pictures of their cats and people add a phrase usually in computer talk or simulated baby talk.  These are funny pictures and a couple of pictures of my cats have turned up on the site.  I wonder if someone took them from here and submitted them.  Anyway here are some of my favorites.

So which one is the kitty in question?


This one is called Kitty Porn

This is actually one of my favorites.

If you understand the last four then like me you have no life.

Ditto, if you understand the Hornets reference then well you and I need to talk.

 

Ok this last few weren't real LOL Cat pictures but I thought they were funny nonetheless.

This is my cat, Kiki.  I thought it was funny pic and no way did I expect it to get the LOL Cats treatment.
I hope you are able to dig out of all the snow.

I still am feeling rather random today given all the snow has me down and not able to do much traveling.  That and I am also trying to clean out pics that have built up in my folders.

For me, this is one of the funniest pictures ever.  I know because I laugh I will go to hell but this is comedy gold.  Why didn't Jamie Foxx have this in his movie Ray?

When it comes down to it, the Japanese are pretty messed up.

This is proof there is a God.  He is making my prayers start to come true.  Now only if they were at my house.

This is exactly why if I get married I do not want an outdoor service, but then I probably have nothing to worry about.

This is the real reason why the tanks stopped.

Just a few weeks ago I posted a picture of a Gay Pride event that mocked the Last Supper well now it's the geeks turn.

Somehow I don't think this is the pot of gold people are expecting.

So am I a prostitute?  I better go ask the nearest security guard.

I feel sorry for the poor kid.  What?  You don't see a kid.  Take a closer look between the adults.

This is from my WTF file.  These nude suits are intended to help young children learn about anatomy.  It seems the little girl is very intrigued with what her father has on his suit.  I guess it is better than learning by showing the real equipment.  That would be wrong as if this isn't good.

Does this belong here right after the last picture?  Why not!  This is an actual album.  Look it up and try to find some mp3s, you'll LOVE it.

Hmm....must be stolen.

A true Minnesota tractor pull.  How do I know it is from Minnesota?  Just check out the beer.  You know what I mean.

Filed this under, "World's Dumbest yet Funny Criminals"

Don't laugh, he'll give you an F.  

Yeah I didn't get this at first but then I got to thinking, "Ketchup is so sensuous."

I forgot to wish my Jewish readers a Happy Hannakuh.

Who wants to go with me to see The Umbrella Sequence at the High Noon Saloon on Sunday December 30th?  $5 cover, starts at 9PM.  I can't remember the opening band.

1. What is the last alcoholic beverage you had?
Cranberry Ale

2. What is on your mind right now?
will it snow

3. Who took this survey before you?
People.

4. Who was the last person to send you a text message?
Some referring to themself as a wench

5. Last time you went swimming in a pool?
can't remember

6. Are you happy?
sometimes

7. Where was the last place you went shopping?
Kwik Trip

8. How do you feel about your hair?
acceptable

9. Where do you live?
in wisconsin

10. Last thing you ate?
Rigatoni and Italian sausage

11. Want to kick anyone's ass?
why not

13. Do you have any expensive jewelry?
no

14. AIM or MSN?
hardly use either

15. What classes are you taking?
none

16. How many hours on average do you work a week?
Not enough...

17. Do you have a crush?
my celebrity crush is Amy Winehouse if you read my blog then you will know this but as for an attainable person, no

18. Do you watch the Olympics?
not really

19. Last restaurant you went to?
Tiger Town Tavern

21. Who was the last person to call you?
Jeremiah

23. Do you have a favorite number?
75 79 33 11

25. What do you spend most of your money on?
liquor and bills and movies

26. Where does most of your family live?
probably wisconsin

27. Are you an only child or do you have siblings?
only child

28. Ever been called a hoe/slut?
yes but definitely untrue

30. Favorite kind of beer?
lately it is Spotted Cow but I am also saving a place in my palate for Black Boss Porter

33. Did you ever collect Beanie Babies?
yes, when I saw people shoving each other over these things at my job I decided it was time to get a few, I have a few really old ones

34. Collect anything?
music, knowledge

35. Myspace or Facebook?
either or is fine by me

36. Do you have T-mobile?
I used to but then I moved and had absolutely no coverage

37. What is your favorite subject?
anything involving Dable or Lisk....Religion, Economics, Psychology, German

38. Do you sometimes wish you were someone else?
who hasn't

39. Fall for the good or bad guy/girl?
I fall for the nerdy art girls

41. Last time you saw your parents?
yesterday

42. Do you have any talents?
all useless

43. Ever been in a wedding?
more than I can count right now

44. Do you have any godchildren?
that's a big no, I think marriage is a prerequiste

45. Last movie you watched?
Pirates of the Carribbean 3

46. Are you missing anyone at the moment?
yes, Joe Piscopo and Carrot Top before he went on the steroids

47. Did you take a nap today?
no

48. How many hours of sleep did you get last night?
3 at the most

49. Ever been on a cruise?
my car has cruise

50. Favorite vacation spot?
anywhere but here

51. Favorite genre of music?
I like all forms but am not a fan of modern country

52. Do you have any wealthy friends?
well wealth can be measured in many forms so yes I do

53. Ever met anyone famous before?
yes, Tommy Thomspon shook my hand and I sold Scottie Pipped a pair of sunglasses

54. Favorite actor/actress?
Ewan Macgregor has been in many of my favorite movies

56. Do you support the troops?
you can support the troops but not those that send them there.

57. Could you handle being in the military?
I can't stand a group mentality

58. Are you hungry or thirsty?
thirsty

59. Favorite fast food restaurant?
I am really digging the new Taco Bell breakfast food, I also love Arby's

60. Favorite Bar?
The Sand Bar or Old Baraboo Inn

62. Do you own a phone?
yes

63. Ever had to take a sobriety test?
no

65. Can you speak any other languages?
yes more than the average American

67. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
maybe 6 or 7

68. Do you have a photo hosting site that you use?
photobucket

69. Last place you were at?
library

70. What is/was your school mascot?
College: Knights
High School #1: Rams
High School #2: Knights

71. Ever been to Las Vegas?
yes and it was nice

72. Ever been to Canada?
yes, eh?

73. What kind of dog do you have?
a hot dog

74. Do you have any regrets?
regrets, I've had a few but then again too few to mention

75. How many states have you been to?
I think I have been to most of the continental US

76. Have you ever been gambling?
yes and it is only fun if you are playing

79. Do you have your wisdom teeth?
had them removed before my sophomore year of high school

80. Favorite place to be?
in the company of my friends

82. Favorite sit down restaurant?
lately it has been The Cherry Tree

83. Ever been to Disney Land/World?
no I never really got into the whole disney thing when I was a kid

84. Do you have a favorite cartoon character?
I relate with Peter Griffin

85. Last thing you cooked?
Bruscetta and French Onion soup

86. How is the weather today?
cold and sunny

87. Do you e-mail?
once in awhile

88. Last letter/piece of mail you received besides junk or a bill?
magazine and a wonderful letter from my college begging for money

89. Favorite store?
(say it with me!) The Exclusive Company

90. Are you in love with someone right now?
yes, but then I love everyone that loves me

91. Last voicemail you received.
Jeremiah

92. Do you drunk dial?
not lately because most of the people in my caller list are married and probably don't want to be bothered at 3AM

93. Stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone?
a friend's wife asked me to call her and she had her cell set to vibrate, we were sitting next to each other in a bar so I called and she kept telling me to keep calling so I did and well it was quite erotic and my friend was just laughing and saying I had sex with his wife

94. What is the best city in the state that you live in?
I love small town Wisconsin

95. Favorite band?
I am really digging Pink Floyd and Radiohead at the moment

96. Last time you were sick?
I had a bad asthma attack today while I was outside throwing salt on my sidewalk and i thought I was going to die but luckily I made it to an inhaler

97. Are you lactose intolerant or do you have IBS?
neither

98. Last concert you went to?
I think it was Brother Ali but the next one I plan on going to is The Umbrella Sequence

99. Ready for the weekend?
yes

100. What'd you do last night?
watched football alone

It has been a week since I last talked about the sordid lives of celebrities.  It is hard to believe that time has flown.  We have had over a foot of snow in that time period.  Well it is time to heat things up.

I am saluting America in my own private way. Hayden is my hero.

Can you believe this crazy bitch is 26?  Only 26?   Her birthday was this week and this is a picture of her excitement at her birthday party.  She looks retarded, oh wait I should change that looks to is.  Recently she has been spotted shopping for a new house because her current home is so disgusting that it would be simpler to just buy a new house then clean the old.  Also, Britney is hiring a body double for photo shoots.  Britney knows she is losing her body and she could possibly be pregnant again so I guess by hiring a double she is just covering her bases.  They should just hire Porky Pig and get it over with.

I hope X-tina's kid isn't as messed up as Britney's.  Seriously her child is going to have conflicts when he sees pictures of his mother.  She is gorgeous.

Ever wonder what happened to Cindy Crawford?  Well here she is and I am still wondering.  To think how many used tissues and fired knuckle children I had during her days as a model.  Well I could be the leader of a small nation.

Ever wonder what happened to Pink?  Well I need to remember what happened to her more often.

Good new reality show fans.  Dale from Top Chef is dating Jack from Project Runway.  Gay jokes aside, isn't that reality show incest?  Ok, gay joke, who would have thought that two guys, who were contestants on two seperate shows that are marketed for homosexuals on a network that is marketed for homosexuals, would wind up dating?  It really boggles the mind.

A sad bit of news this week, the creator of Gatorade, Robert Cade passed away.  Here he is given a proper send-off.

Heather Mills-McCartney has denied that she posed for porn and then these photos surfaced.  Now that Paul has divorced her and she isn't getting any alimony because of these photos, well she won't be left with a leg to stand on....oh that is a bad pun and by the way Sploshing is just plain wrong.

What do you get when you have incredibly long legs and a short skirt?  Well you get an additional few minutes of fame if you are Stacy Keibler.

So Paris Hilton got a lip job.   She looks like she is in her 50s now.  I guess jail really hardened her.

Remember Juliette Lewis?  Yeah she is looking pretty good.  Reminds me of a sober amy Winehouse without a bouffant hairdo.  

Can you guess the Ass?  This ass belongs to someone who got a show on E! because of her sextape.  No it's not Paris Hilton.  It is Kim Kardashian.  Will you look at that thing!  It likely has it's own gravitational pull.  I am surprised she doesn't have anything orbiting her ass.
 
How can she live with herself?

Remember Katie Price?  She is some model in Britain and goes by numerous names.  Well this week because people weren't talking about her she decided to create a little buzz.  That is her sister.  Yes, making out with your sister definitely will generate a little buzz.  

Keira Knightley has posed topless for a magazine cover.  Apparently it is still considered topless even though she has suspenders covering her lady bits.  Some people made jokes about how the suspenders were larger than her breasts.  I applaud Keira.  I think she is beautiful and besides size doesn't matter.  Now if I could just get some ladies to go along with my philosophy.

Porn star, Mary Cary has removed her silicone implants and plans on auctioning them on ebay.  Ok ok ok ok wait up, she had them removed?????????  Holy crap.  Just when I say size doesn't matter I see this.  See she looks great without her implants.  I plan on bidding for the implants because that way when I win I will own something that has been inside her...ok I am still accepting job offers to be a scab writer.  Also this is the porn star that music pseudo-pon star Mariah Carey sued because she claims that Cary was using Carey's name to gain popularity.  Well she may have had a similar name because they do look alike but she definitely wasn't using her name to gain fame.
 
Jodie Foster basically came out of the closet recently by saying how much her friend Cyndy has been there for her.  Who would have thought Jodie Foster was gay?  Even after all thouse anti-men movies she in which she has starred, I couldn't see the writing on the wall.  

Funny Tara Reid sighting.  Apparently Tara Reid isn't a hot commodity anymore.  She was traveling in Australia and a night club wanted her to come to the club to promote a buzz...a STD is more like it...anyway Tara said for her to come the club would have to pay her $25,000.  The club owners laughed and said how about $3500.  Guess Tara took them up on the offer.  I wonder what Tara would do if I offered to pick up the check after a meal.  If you said infect me with a plethora of STDs you are correct.

Lindsay Lohan hasn't been able to find a lot of work since getting out of rehab.  I guess studio bosses realize that she is too unpredictable to have star in their movies.  So this is what we get.  Lindsay posing with superheroes oggling her chest.  This writer's strike is starting to hurt the stars.  Look what Lindsay has to endure.  Oh well it's not like if she had a movie role she wouldn't just snort up any money she did make.

Good news: more snow.  Have a good weekend.

I was eating lunch today at a local Subway and I overheard one of the funniest conversations.  A family was sitting behind me and the father gave the little boy a glass of Sprite.  The little boy took a sip and said, "I hate the taste."  The father said, "Well if you don't like the taste, spit it out." Then the mother said, "I've heard that one before."  I almost choked on my Subway feast.  I decided it is time to do some crappy tattoos.

I enjoy beef jerky as much as the next guy but no way is it tattoo worthy. 

Someone must be a huge Ted Danson fan to get his "best" movie tattooed on his ass.

No that isn't magic marker.  It is a real tattoo.  I think he should have stated the obvious and it should read Capt. Dumbass.

Since when is it cool to tattoo skin conditions on yourself because that is what this butterfly dust looks like. 

I do say this is a crappy tattoo mostly because the guy posing looks like an enormous tool.  I thought it was cool because it was pixelated just like the actual video game.  This is a quandary.

As if track marks weren't telltale enough about your drug habit, let's get a tattoo that screams junkie.

Happy Father's Day!  Get dad the tattoo he deserves.

Either this is fake or this guy is definitely not going to Harvard.

Mr Feeny, in his tattoo glory.  Oh my god, you have to be a loser to get a Mr. Feeny tattoo and also a loser to still remember Mr. Feeny.  See, I make fun of all these people, I can still make fun of myself.

Why do I feel like going out and collecting butterflies?

You know this is for the ladies but I think this would scare the ladies.

Prepare yourself for the sexiest tattoos you have ever scene.  This one definitely will not scare the ladies and the ladies will love it.

I can think many things I would regret if I were this guy.