So my final posting of the day.  A friend took me out to celebrate my birthday which was a couple of weeks ago.  Yes, I never mentioned anything because I wanted to see how many of you may have remembered.  I guess that plan backfired.  He took me out because I had him over for his birthday and made him a myriad of drinks.  We ended up going to a dive bar, well they all were dive bars.  The first one was fun and we had a couple of drinks and then we headed to a neighboring town and went to a dive bar for a drink.  Then we decided we should eat.  Well that was an excellent idea because this dive bar offers a steak and fried potatoes for $7.50.  It was a decent size steak too.  I also had a PBR.  My PBR was 75 cents for a tap.  75 cents for a beer.  I don't know anywhere that has cheaper taps at the regular price than that.  Then after the meal he said one more drink and so we headed to the bowling alley.  We decided to find out who paid by watching the bowling and if the bowler would get a strike or pick up a spare...I am so depraved; betting for alcohol on the outcome of bowling.  Then I came home and that was that.  Now I am writing about naughty celebrities or at leas celebrities who open their lives to the public so that I can make smart-assed comments about their shortcomings in the hopes that my knowledge of celebrity gossip will help me with girls.  No, it hasn't worked yet and I probably sound like a broken record so let's do this.

Tom Cruise was looking for a dj to dj for his daughter, Suri's, second birthday.  Tom picked Mark Ronson.  If you don't know who Mark Ronson is, he is a hiphop producer and cover artist who has collaborated with Sean Paul and Ghostface Killah.  Anyway Tom decided to hire Mark because Mark dj-ed Tom's wedding and Tom was impressed by Mark's remix of the Top Gun theme song.  Wow, that is a great way to get hired.  I wish I could dj celebrity weddings so then maybe I could dj their children's birthday parties. 

This is Tara Reid.  She is sober in this picture.  See years of being a drunk whore have molded her face into a constant look of a drunken stupor.  Way to go Tara!  I am hoping they make your drunken stupor face into a halloween mask because this year I want to go as something hideous.

Simon Cowell made some news this week.  Besides being everyone's favorite bitch on American Idol(yes I know there is Paula Abdul but if I wanted to mention her being everyone's favorite bitch I would have said everyone's favorite drunk bitch) and also making fun of Ryan Seacrest for being extremely femmy.  Simon was offered a job to be a spokesperson for Viagra.  He declined.  See there are some things even he won't slap his name on.  If Viagra were a tv show then Simon would be all over it.  Ok this leads me to an ethical question that I still don't have an answer for.  Would you rather date a girl who is featured in an advertisement for herpes and everyone recognizes her as that girl from the herpes commercial or would you have your father be the spokesperson for Viagra and Ciallis and be recognized everywhere he goes.  See there is a downside to either answer.

This is Serena Kozakura.  She is my favorite Japanese model.  She got in trouble with the law and was sentenced to 14 months of jail for destruction of private property.  She found out that he was cheating on her(that guy is retarded) so when he was at his apartment with his other girl she went over and kicked down his door and entered in and yelled at him.  See I think she is innocent.  I have two reasons.  Because with that 40 inch chest, there is no way she could fit through a hole in a door as her boyfriend claims.  Hell I don't think she can get through most doorways.

Scarlett Johansson is starting to make me think highly of her.  She is auctioning herself as a date to a premiere of a 2009 movie on ebay.  Does anyone have $35,000 they can lend me so I can get a date?

Rachael Ray's marriage is on the rocks, like how I like my margaritas.  Actually I shouldn't joke even though I detest her.  Basically her marriage is over.  E-V-OH NO!!!!!(If you watch her you understand that dig)  Apparently one of her assistants dished to a gossip magazine that she makes her husband sleep in a separate room and the only bed in that room is one that is intended for her cats.  If that is true, then that is probably the only pussy he has gotten in ages.  I can't resist making fun of her. 

An sad announcement was made this week concerning Patrick Swayze.  He has pancreatic cancer that is rapidly spreading to other organs.  Some doctors say that he has 5 weeks to live and others say he has longer.  Either way pancreatic cancer is a bitch.  I have seen two people I knew die of that and it is painful to watch.  I know have made comments about his classic movie Road House.  I am not being sarcastic when I talk about it.  Everything I learned about being a bouncer I haver learned from Patrick Swayze.  He will be missed.

Paris Hilton made news this week only because she called to let the paparazzi know what she would be doing ahead of time.  Yes, she called them to let them know that a holy man was going to bless her and her actions so that she will have a year of peace and produce numerous projects.  So she called the paparazzi to say the blessing was going on at a Barnes and Noble because every self-respecting shaman is located at a chain bookstore.  Turns out that the guy is just an actor and not a "real" holy man.  Paris, you are a dullard if you believed in him or if you thought this would be the gimmick you needed to boost your career.  Just put out another sex tape.  It brought you to the public eye when no one had any idea of who you were, just think of what it could do now.

This is Paris' sister Nicky Hilton.  She really looks like Skeletor, even the Skeletor that may be inside joke for some of my readers.  I think she just needs to get away from Paris to regain her appetite because you know Paris has that effect of making people sick.

New York is back(real name Tiffany Pollard).  She is set to star in another reality series.  Apparently she is setting her relationship with the winner of her dating series, I Love New York 2, aside to be filmed working in Los Angeles.  No not as a prostitute but as some sort of actress.  There was also rumors that it was going to be a whole series about her having more cosmetic surgery.  What's next in store for her, New York Has a Baby?  Wait...trannies can't get pregnant.

Natalie Portman continues to be the most beautifullest girl in the whole wide world to me that is, plus her recent bisexual tendencies doesn't detract her appeal either.

I went to the police station today and reported a rape and a murder.  Well I didn't but I should.  Michael Bay is intent on destroying classic movies and butchering everything.  He is remaking Rosermary's Baby.  His production company also announced they are working on remakes of Nightmare on Elm Street, The Birds, and Friday the 13th.  Has Hollywood run out of ideas?  Apparently if they are remaking all the classic movies and have more reality shows featuring someone who goes by the name New York.

Melissa Ethridge was spotted vacationing this week in Hawaii.  I hope Xanga will be able to handle all the extra traffic this picture will certainly bring to my website.

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HARRY CARAY HAS BEEN CLONED COMPLETE WITH GLASSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Wow, a Harry Caray reference, me=awesome!  Actually this is Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.  Don't ask which is which because I don't think they even know.  Anyway this week Hugh Hefner was interviewed and he said is actively pursuing them to pose nude for Playboy.  He says they are everyman's fantasy.  If that is true then a lot of guys will have to take a seat and talk about that fantasy with Dateline NBC's, Chris Hanson.

Speaking of Playboy, this is Maria from WWE.  She plays an airhead.  She just posed for Playboy.  Yeah, she is as punk rock as Good Charlotte and Avril Lavigne.  I will have to post her spread in a future posting.  First I need 5 comments to tell me to post it.

Madonna's new song was leaked over the internet this week.  It sucked.  She is really showing her age through her music.  If you have noticed her music really hasn't changed style since 1995.  Anyway she should just stop.  I had a link to her song but apparently Madonna threatened the site with a lawsuit if they left it posted.  

Lindsay Lohan announced this week that she will never pose nude in Playboy.  I want to give her this axiam: Never say never.  Anyway this is a national day of mourning.

Here is a shot of Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush.  I have one huge reason that I am loving Kim.  Anyway they are vacationing in some Caribbean resort and they are rumored to be cliff diving.  Well if that was true and Kim's gigantic yet beautiful and succulent ass hit the water first then Miami would be underwater.  Get your facts straight people!

Keith Richards was introduced as the new spokesperson for Loius Votton.  I guess that is fitting seeing he is an old bag himself.  Ok if anyone else has used that joke this week I apologize but sometimes they just write themselves.

Oh JLO is back to being her diva self.  Well first it turns out that her children have boring celebrity kids names.  They are Max and Emme.  Now this is where the diva part kicks in.  She is truly outrageous but not as truly outrageous as Jem.  She has hired some interesting personel for her children.  First she hired security.  OK, I thought about this one for awhile and realized that in Mexico they have a problem with kidnappings and it is very common for rich people to have their children kidnapped and held for ransom.  Then she also hired a personal massuese for her babies.  WTF?  Then she hired a color therapist for her twins.  Apparently a color therapist finds out which colors are good for children and fill the rooms with that specific color thus enriching the child's life.  I think I got into the long line of work.    JLo also sold exclusive picture rights of her children to People magazine for $6million, but there were conditions.  First Marc Antony was the only person allowed to take the pictures.  Second, People magazine can no longer refer to her as JLo in their publications.  It must be nice to have power.  Are there any celebrities out there that read this that would like to adopt me? I'm potty trained.

Oh it is good to see Jessica Simpson out and about after her accident at the old mill left her with out feet.  Actually she is just gloating after her recent success on the big screens of Ukraine.

Jennifer Tilly turned 50 this week.  50!  I couldn't believe it.  She must regularily bathe in the blood of virgins to remain in such pristine condition.  She is really hot.

Meet Jeff Conaway.  He was in Grease and Taxi.  His most recent role has been on Celebrity Rehab.  I started watching the show and was addicted to it but then the more I saw his suffering I had to discontinue my viewing.  He was the most depressing part of the show that and the girl who played Judy on Family Matters claiming to be addicted to marijuana.  Anyway Jeff isn't giving any credit for his sobriety to Dr. Drew Pinsky but to John Travolta.  Travolta led him to accept Scientology as his personal brainwasher and now he is all sober.  God, now we are going to have to hear all these tales of people finding faith in Scientology and turning from their evil ways and rejecting Xenu.  

Ellen Page added more fuel to the fire that she is a lesbian this week after her hosting Saturday Night Live.  She was involved in a skit that was a girlfriend returning from a Lilith Fair type concert.  Youtube took the video down otherwise I would have a link.  Either way if she is lesbian or straight, she is quite attractive and despite playing a teenager in Juno she is in her 20s.

This is for the ladies.  Daniel Craig, who is the current James Bond, turned 40 this week.

This is Daisy from Rock of Love 2.  You know if Brett Michaels kicks her off the show then I want to be next in "line" because this picture has won my heart.

This is Carla Bruni.  She is the first lady of France.  Yes, the president's wife.  I wonder if any of the wives of the current nominees for our presidency could pull this off.  Michelle Obama is the only one that pops into my head.  Maybe John McCain's mistress.  OH SNAP!!!!!!!!! Bill!!!!!!!!!!!  I am sure he would be more than willing to show off his foreign aid package to the masses.

What would a week be without Britney Spears news?  She was almost evicted this week from her mansion.  Her monthly $35000 rent hasn't been paid in several months.  Thankfully her daddy took care of that.  god it must be nice to have money.  Could you imagine what I could accomplish if I had her money and my brains...ok maybe I am only average in the brain department but it is more than I can say about Britney.

This week's sign that the apocalypse is upon is that Heidi Montag and Britney Spears have released a duet called "Dramatic".  You can listen to it here.  Just click the play button and a new window will pop up featuring the song.  I have no clue what they are saying or singing because it's all heavy breathing.  Like some pervert is calling on a phone and making an obscene call.  It just sounds like they are having an old-fashioned breathe off.  I guess it could have been worse and K-Fed and Spencer could have been featured rapping on the track.  Oh wait, that is the remix.  I am anxious for the video which will probably be a trainwreck.  Hell, they should just film a trainwreck.  

Britney and Adnan are officially over.  Apparently she found text messages between Adnan and another woman.  Daddy Spears supposedly came to the rescure and kicked him out of the mansion and is working on another restraining order.

Just a few days after she and Adnan broke up, Britney received a suspicious letter containing Arabic and written in broken English about Israel and Palestine.  The FBI is investigating.  The letter also contained an orange powder...oh wait, that was just Cheeto dust from Britney's lunch.  People aren't finding it coincidental that a few days after she dumps a man whose native language is Arabic, she receives a threating letter with parts written in Arabic.  Man people are just too trusting.  

Well that was a sobering experience.