Today is a holiday much like Valentine's Day.  It is Steak and Blow Job Day.  I think it is the male equivalent to Valentine's Day and not surprisingly it falls exactly one month after Valentine's.  Males are given a steak for supper and then they receive a blow job.  Quite a holiday!  I am sure if it attains more popularity there will be more suicides committed on this day than any other day by us single males with no female presence in our lives.  Oh well I should stop complaining because you are probably annoyed by it and well I should get used to certain facts of life.  Anyway now I am going to make fun of celebrities.

Tori Spelling has been going around to numerous book stores to sign copies of her new autobiography.  How the hell does someone like Tori Spelling deserve to write an autobiography?  She describes in her book how tough it was to grow up rich and to have been able to afford anything she wanted.  She also described how difficult it was for her to be able to afford cosmetic surgery such as a nose job and a breast enhancement surgery.  Oh boo-hoo!  She does still hold a grudge against her mom because she talks about how much she hates her for cheating on her dad while he was on his death bed.  Yeah, I'm not planning on reading that book at all.  I refuse to feel sorry for Tori Spelling.  I can tell you, I do feel sorry for that little baby because he is staring into the face of death.

Madonna was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame this week and as always she was a class act.  In her induction speech she referred to the audience as a bunch of motherfuckers and she then proceeded into stories of her ill repute.  The audience was shocked and disgusted so then the class act that Madonna is suggested that they do some ecstasy and weed.  I hope she stays this classy for the rest of her life.

Justin Timberlake officially inducted Madonna.  He made a couple of interesting comments.  He said that the world is full of Madonna wannabes and that he used to date one of them.  He also said that this was Britney's favorite finger...no he didn't but he made reference to her with the wannabe comment why not say that?  I sometimes like the guy and then I hear him sing and lose all respect for him.

I got into American Idol last year mostly because of all the hilarious comments they made on The Soup about Sanjaya.  This is what all the reject Idols have to look forward to.  Sanjaya was hired to sing and perform at a bat mitzvah.  How awesome is that?  He goes from one of the largest tv shows of the past decade to helping light candles at a Jewish birthday party.  I guess if it is any consolation to Sanjaya, no one else on that show has had much success.

Speaking of American Idol rejects, here's Gay I mean Clay Aiken.  He is posing with Rosie O'Donnell and her lover Kelly.  So my question is, which one is the man?

Robbie Williams has said that he is quitting the music industry to study aliens and devote his entire life to proving their existance and hopefully making contact.  Wow, he sounds like he could be Tom Cruise's soulmate.

Speaking Tom "Crazy" Cruise, a former high ranking member of Scientology said that Tom held auditions to be his next wife.  Jennifer Garner and Jessica Alba flat out refused to even come for an interview.  Scarlet Johansson went to the interview but once she realized that it had something to do with Scientology she freaked out and ran out of the building.  Katie Holmes was Tom's fourth choice and of course the rest it history.  And no you know...the rest of the story...a Paul Harvery reference...how is that for random?  Basically Tom Cruise should be locked up.  It was his birthday this week and apparently the party thrown by the Scientologist was priced in the millions.  There are videos on youtube but I fear getting sued.

Paris Hilton is in love.  Sources are saying that she received a ring and she gave a ring to Benji Madden.  This is sickening.  The ring Paris is wearing says BM which people think stands for Benji Madden but I know better and that it stands for bowel movement because that is what I need to do every time I hear Paris Hilton mentioned on the news.  Benji also has a ring that says PH, which apparently stands for pussy hole.

Paris announced her new reality series will be called "Paris Hilton's My New BFF".  MTV didn't like my suggested title for the show.  It was "A Shot at Herpes".  Apparently the contests will be pretty intense.  One will have the contests seeing who can pull the most crabs out of Paris's snatch and disposing of Paris's dogs in the woods.  There will also be a contest in which the person seeking to be her new BFF will have to follow Paris around videotape her and expose her most embarassing moments and then post them on the internet to see how much money they can make.  Yeah, I am looking forward to mocking this show.

A few weeks ago Paris Hilton supposedly was blessed by a guru at a bookstore in LA.  I thought this was a real story and was very interesting and gave a good insight as to what goes on in her mind.  Well I was punked.  This was part of Ashton Kutcher's new reality series in which he tries to punk the media and paparazzi.  Clever, Ashton, very clever.

A few weeks ago I reported that Avril Lavigne was rumored to be pregnant.  She isn't pregnant.  She wore a prothetic device making her look pregnant.  Once again this was for Ashotn Kutcher's new show.  Needless to say this week has been a slow week in celebrity news or at least some of the celebrities I am reporting on are on the D List.  Ashton, I hate you.

So how was Lindsay conceived?

Kim Kardashian shocked the world this week and posed with a book showing the world that she may be able to read.

Kevin Federline has been silent while his ex-wife Britney has been going through hell.  Turns out that his birthday is coming up and a nightclub is promoting the party.  Kevin will be getting paid to go to his birthday party.  I now have 175,000 new reasons to hate Kevin Federline.  

Kate Moss posed nude for a magazine this week.  Turns out she is trying to let people know that she is still a woman and not just a walking medicine cabinet filled with coccaine.

Joe Francis was released from jail this week.  If you don't know who he is, Joe created the popular Girls Gone Wild series.  I can't stand the guy.  He just is to epitome of cockiness.  When the picture was taken, he hadn't been out of jail 12 hours and look at the chick he scored.  I hate him.

Hey, Jenny McCarthy!  Katie Holmes wants her horrible hairstyle back!

Jenna Jameson was revealed as a new spokesperson for PETA.  Her series of ads show her trying to channel her inner Bettie Page.  Seriously why would PETA use her with all her leathery skin?  These ads were heavily photoshopped for public consumption.  Another reason I am shocked that PETA would use Jenna is all the video evidence out there of her devouring meat and tuna.  I just don't get it...literally too.

This is Dawn Wells.  She played Mary Ann on Gilligan's Island.  She was arrested this week for possession.  I know understand why they never got off the island.  Mary Ann was in charge of cooking and I think she was lacing all the coconuts with a little bit of maryjane.  No wonder Gilligan acted like such a fool that whole series.  

I guess this one if for the ladies.  This is Dave Navaro.  I think that CE in the center of his chest stands for cunt extraodranaire which fits his ex wife Carmen Electra perfectly.

Coco still looks hot but her frankentitties look like they are melting.

Chad Kroger of Nickelback tried to keep his band relevant this week when he announced that he was able to suck his own dick.  He said it started as a way he got beer as a teenager.  Why doesn't he leave his dick in his mouth so I no longer have to suffer by listening to his music.  Hmmm I guess he could celebrate Steak and Blow Job Day by himself....even more reason to hate him.

Oh Ashlee Simpson.  You are becoming feminine.  The bikini makes the hat slightly less annoying.  

This is current American Idol contestant, soon to be reject, Amanda Overmeyer.  Someone in her hometown has been going around to tabloids shopping her nude pics.  Apparently they want more money than the tabloid is willing to spend.  If anyone wants to sell me her pics, I will buy them for a half a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of Camo.

Amanda Overmeyer.  I promise I will not say her name one more time.

Andy Dick is back to his old self.  He was at a nightculb this week and he was groping random women.  He threw a couple of purses all over the bar.  He also ripped one woman's earring out.  If those acts are all that happened they should consider themselves lucky.

Britney Spears was put on an allowance by a judge this week.  She will be receiving a weekly $1500 allowance.  Funny thing is that her dad receives $2500 a week for watching over her.  I seriously think Britney will be turning to a life of crime and we will hear about her carjacking people in Beverly Hills because she is so addicted to Starbucks and $1500 only buys like 10 Starbucks coffees.

So last week I thought it was pretty convient that Britney received a package a few days after she broke up with Adnan.  Well it turns out someone in Britney's camp reported that Britney received her first package from this stalker last month.  The most recent package Britney received from this insane fan was a dildo.  Well hopefully Britney puts that to good use because Adnan has been reported sneaking into her house for an short amounts of time at night.  You know they line up their landing strips and laugh hysterically.
 
Britney Spears' acting career is taking off.  She will be appearing on How I Met Your Mother.  The role she will be playing was originally promised to Alicia Silverstone but the execs at CBS requested Britney because it will boost ratings and Lord knows all network TV has suffered because of the writer's strike.  Anyway Britney is goin to be an actress.  Look out Oscar committee, here comes Crossroads 2!

This is Britney Spears in her new video.  Apparently people don't want to see her meth scabbed body dancing and singing about how bad she wants to do me.  Check it out on youtube.  

Well there you have it.  Hopefully I will be back tomorrow.

Another Thursday has come and went.  I have been busy and sick all day.  I have finally figured out I cannot have onions otherwise I will be sick.  It is like my body won't break them down.  I was ill all afternoon and had to be within range of the bathroom.  Then I seemed to get it all out of my system.  I was called by the son of our church's pastor and he was all frantic about some lights we are trying to install.  I had a meeting at church and then I stuck around to look at these lights.  Well the decision fell to me because if I hadn't bragged it up yet, I am the church president.  Then I came home and popped open a beer and relaxed.  Since today is still Thursday I will do a crappy tattoo entry.

I don't know which is scarier: the idea of a rat grim reaper who is one day going to come to take my soul or this tattoo.  If I was the guy that had this work done, I would be having nightmares every night.

Sadly, Osama bin Zombie is still at large.  I wonder if I chopped this guy's arm off I could collect a reward.  The only thing I would get is beat mercilessly with the arm with this crappy tattoo.

This is absolutely the worst tattoo of a human likeness I have ever seen.  The tattoo makes her look like a flat chested mongoloid who needs to be locked in a mental institution.  Seriously, isn't it better to say, "I love you" than get this done permanently?

This is not my guitar hero.

Nike tattoos: Just Don't Do It!!!!!!!!!!

Here is Mr. Toad's wild ride in crappy tattoo form.  I never thought I would make a reference to The Wind in the Willows on my blog.  I hated that book and with that I hope I never have to mention that crap again or any crappy tattoos from that book.

I think I am posting this tattoo as a warning.  This is a warning to any mothers, new mothers, or mothers to be.  DO NOT TATTOO YOUR CHILDREN'S FACES ON YOUR BODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They grow up eventually.  Look at the sun and the moon...the sun is ugly and the moon is always going to be a baby.  See this tattoo and take the warning seriously.  What will happen when you are 80 and your kids are in their 50s?  Oh think of that for a little while.

So this must be a lucky tattoo.  I understand the good luck charms that are featured like the horse shoe, the four leaf clover and the number seven.  Since when is Swiss cheese lucky?  It has never worked for me.  Hopefully this guy is luckier than I am.

Let's play a game called WTF is This.  you see if you can top my guess.  My guess is: It is an eye leaking splooge running down a dog's leg and the tattoo symbolizes the crumbling of our nation's economy and slipping as a super power.  Top that!

Let's play another game.  Let's play tattoo cover up.  This guy is an excellent player.  He had something he didn't like and then he made it into a big black blob.  Way to go!  Your prize is a lifetime supply of shame.

So is this a zombie tennis player?  

I understand this tattoo.  That makes me a geek.  I am really wanting to meet this girl.  Seriously any girl with this tattoo will be elevated in my mind.  I would take her to exotic locales all over the globe.  I would write sonnets and other assorted poetry.  I would open doors for her.  I would give her flowers once a week and not because I had done something wrong.  I would propose marriage on the spot.  I would buy her corndogs.

Ok, I am off to bed. I will be back tomorrow to objectify celebrities and ridicule them without mercy.