"It is spring."  I said this phrase repeatedly today as I trudged through an estimated 10 inches of snow.  "This is spring."  Of course I should be used to crazy weather, afterall I live in Wisconsin, but 10 inches of snow on March 21?  Anyway I went to church to observe the Good Friday service.  Thankfully I live three blocks from my church.  The service was a lot of talking and of course my mind started wandering.  I thought of Barack Obama and his recent troubles with his "racist" pastor.  I have seen and heard the whole sermon where he says, "God, damn America!"  Well if people knew anything about Christianity they would know that God damns people to Hell for their sins and I think that is what he was trying to get at.  Then I was thinking how John McCain's religious guru, John Hagee, has pretty much said the same things for years and years and he has said far worse things, almost Westboro Baptist Church things, but he is not strung up for saying bad things about America.  It really makes me see how the African Americans continue to struggle and how the freedom of religion and freedom of speech is apparently only an option for whites.  Then after church I got the mail and got a watch I won in an auction on Bidz.com.  Nice watch, $4 so I am happy.  Then my dad had to go pick up my mom from work.  They got stuck in their driveway and my dad was pushing the car and he slipped, hit his head on the grill of the car and fell.  He cut his head open and had to go to the emergency room.  8 stitches, a prescription for muscle relaxants, and a tetnus shot later he is doing ok.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a better "spring" day. 

Time to make fun of celebrities instead of me railing about politics and race.

Winona Ryder is up to her old tricks again.  She was shopping at a CVS pharmacy and bought some things but then as she exited the security alarms went off and when the guard and clerk came to her she pulled out a handful of make-up products from her pocket and said something that she forgot and then she left.  I think I will forgive her because I have done the same thing.  I had my hands full with a case of beer and a pizza and I stuck a pack of gum in the pocket of my hoodie and well I forgot to pay but then I am not a celebrity who makes millions of dollars for movie roles.

Will Smith is the newest face of Scientology.  A former high ranking official within the church said that Tom Cruise targeted Smith because he is such a likable African American and if they got him then other African Americans would fall in line.  Wow, Scientology sounds like they are trying to recruit an army...I get it...they are recruiting an army to finish Xenu once and for all. 

There is an arrest warrant for Shia Labeouf.  He failed to show up for a court date for a fine for smoking outdoors in Burbank, California.  Smoking outdoors?  I can understand if a person is smoking indoors where the establishment has a no smoking policy, but outdoors?  That is worse than a statewide smoking ban in public buildings....I'm looking at you Minnesota.  As of my writing the warrant has not been served.

Sarah Jessica Parker was recently voted as the unsexiest woman in the world by Maxim Magazine.  OK, look at the source, Maxim...if you aren't a knockout by that magazine's standards you are ugly.  Hell, I am ugly by Maxim's standards...as I am by most everyone else.  Anyway to combat this recent "award" SJP has promised to make more appearances.  I do hope that she doesn't make anymore appreances looking like that.  Her husband, Matthew Broderick, is supposedly suffering from depression because of this vote.  Boo-Hoo...she makes millions, you make millions, and if you didn't want to be in the running for this award then maybe you shouldn't have entered show business.  Go wipe away your tears with a hundred dollar bill.

Here's one for the ladies.  Pete Wentz is looking pretty feminine lately.  Oh wait that isn't Pete Wentz.  It's Rumer Willis who is trying to become Pete Wentz.  All she needs is the nerd glasses, admitting to trying to kill herself in a Best Buy parking lot preferably at the Best Buy where you work and then calling the boss and having your mom come pick you up to take to a hospital...oh and she needs to date Ashlee Simpson and sing about emo stuff.

Punky Brewster had a baby girl this week.  She named her new daughter Jagger Joseph Blue Goldberg.  Jagger was welcomed into the world by her sister Poet Sienna Rose Goldberg.  I guess Punky is "trying to turn the world around" with the names she is giving her children...Joseph for a girl...these names are lifting me off the ground.  If she has a boy, "we'll have to wait and see"...what she names the boy.  Look up the theme song for Punky Brewster, you won't be upset.

Paris Hilton has been in Africa this week.  She is supposedly some sort of goodwill ambassador for Coca-Cola because she is in Africa for My Coke Fest.  Yeah, that doesn't sound like a good name to me either.  I am suprised, with a fest name like that, Coke didn't spring for Pete Doughtrey or Boy George or George Michael.  I do hope that little girl has had her shots.

Paris Hilton, while in Africa, went to an orphange to sign autographs.  See most orphanges don't keep 8x10 photos of celebrities so Paris had to bring her own photos to sign.  Yes, she chose a bikini picture to give to kids at an orphanage.  She has a warped mind.

I found this while surfing the net searching for information about one of the newest celebrity sex tapes.  Paris is preparing to do some hammering...yeah cheesy.

Nicole Richie has recently said that the least favorite thing about giving birth is having to spend time with her newborn...oh wait I am assuming that since I never see her with her child.  No but seriously she said that the least favorite part of pregnancy is that her breasts have grown.  How could you not like those?  Anyway I don't have breasts but if a girl wants to help me understand and share with me by hands-on experiences what having breasts is like, I am willing to help you endure breast having....why, yes, I am lame.

This is a still shot from Mischa Barton's new movie, Closing the Ring.  This is definitely a good break from The OC.

In an interview this week Michael Stipe came out of the closet...again.  It seems like every interview he has done post 9/11 he comes out of the closet.  I like the REM but the coming out the closet thing every interview is a little bit...gay.  

Melanie Brown has been on spring break this week.  I guess there is a reason why they call her Scary Spice.  I guess it has been a long time since I last saw her with all the glitz and glam that is Dancing with the Stars.  

There has been a lot of sex tape news this week and this was one of the major stories. Supposedly this was a still from a Lindsay Lohan BJ caught on tape.  Today, sadly, it was reported that this wasn't Lindsay but just some lookalike on yuoporn or porntube whichever.  Also Lindsay has been caught up in another sex scandal, this time involving two other women.  Apparently Lindsay can't decide which girl she loves better so she is sleeping with both.  It must be nice to have problems like that...gee, I can't decide which woman I like having sex with better.  Oh and all this talk of sex tapes...that reminds me, I should get working on mine because apparently that is the only way to get famous that or screwing a governor.

Here's one for the ladies.  That is Liev Schrieber.  Now, ladies, please stop throwing your panties at me.

There was an interesting story about Kristin Callavari floating around this week.  A girl started posting on a gossip website that she went to summer camp with Kristin and that Kristin taught her to perform oral sex on males and Kristin and the other girl were only 13.  When asked Kristin said something along the lines of how she taught many people and that it is only a blowjob.  Hmmm let's see, when I was 13 I was playing baseball and daydreaming about professional sports and oh yeah I can't condemn her so next....

This here is Kendra Wilkinson.  She's the airhead on The Girls Next Door.  In this picture it looks like her girls can't be contained.

Kate Moss and her boyfriend were detained by police in Paris this week.  The were taken into custody and then later released.  No charges were pressed.  What were they doing you ask...they were dancing on the grave of Jim Morrison.  I can't make this stuff up.

Kate Beckinsale said in an interview this week that she hates sushi.  See that is where I would end the conversation but she continued and said that she would rather eat vagina than sushi.  Makes me wonder if she hates lollipops and what she would rather suck.

This is from the set of Johnny Depps new movie Public Enemies.  See they are filming down by Madison this week.  When they come to Baraboo I am there and will bring my paparazzi friends and hopefully I can get some incriminating photos and give them to him in exchange for a role in the movie.  Oh and some old guy from my hometown is an extra in the movie because he has a car, complete with bullet holes, that is from that time period.  I am taking pride in this movie.

Jennifer Anniston is on spring break in Miami.  You now she might as well be wearing a thong.  If only Miami had a lax attitude toward toplessness then I would be set.

Heather Mills won her divorce settlement against Paul McCartney this week.  She is set to receive $50 million which roughly equals $1400 per hour for the duration of the marriage.  She is planning on using the money and coming to America.  I wonder what she is going to spend all that money on.  My bet is a diamond encrusted leg.

After Heather Mills won the settlement she dumped a glass of water over the head of Paul McCartney's attorney, Fiona Shackleton.  This is a before and after photo.  I guess you best not be messing with a one legged woman demandin $50 million.

This is Audrina Partridge.  Turns out she has some nude pics which were released this week and no this isn't the big sex tape news either.  In case you are wondering who she is, she is one of the dimwits on The Hills.  Apparently Audrina wants to be famous so she thought the best way to get famous is to pose nude.  I guess I had better starting waxing my body for a Playgirl shoot if I want to get famous.

Why two pictures?  Because I find pregnant women quite attractive.  Anyway I hate to scare away any women who read my blog and are expecting.  Halle Berry had a baby girl this week.  She originally named the girl Clara Stella Aubry Berry but then changed it to Nahla Ariela Aubry Berry.  Either one really rolls off the tongue easily.  You know I think some of these celebrities should be taken up on child abuse charges for the names they give their children.

DMX was interviewed by a rap magazine this week and in it he claims to have never heard of Barack Obama nor the fact that an African American is attempting to run for president.  I wasn't surprised because his world of rap, dog fighting, and drug trafficking is less cutthroat.

They aren't celebrities but this is a pretty funny story.  Crystal Rowland and Matthew Pearce broke into a church in Florida and the pastor caught them having sex in the church.  When asked why they did what they did, Crystal said that she wanted to have a religious and sexual experience all wrapped in one.  You know, I seriously did not make that up.  

Coco turned 29 this week although certain parts of her are much younger.  You know I have issues with the girls clothing lines that feature writing on the butt.  Like girls don't want to be oggled yet they wear clothing that I have to read the writing on a very sexy part and I can't help but stare.  Oh and I am a man of faith Coco so look me up.

It's so nice to see that motherhood hasn't softened Christina Aguilera into becoming a natural beauty.  Here she is looking like a drag queen hooker which has become her signature style.
On America's Top Model this week, the models had to experience a paint bukkake.  Of course they didn't call it a bukkake.  Even TyTy had to have a paint bukkake.  I think this is proof that they are lost for ideas of what to do on television and that there is no more creativity left in television.  Oh and if you want to know what bukkake is just look it up here at Wikipedia.

Amy Winehouse was photographed this week with major cuts on her arm.  Well she is cutting now, which to some people is a good sign, because it means she is off the drugs and probably going through withdrawal symptoms.  Oh man, I really like her but it is hard to see this.  I do love her tattoo and no way will that make a Thursday blog appearance.

Amy Winehouse did pose nude, well nude with the help of a guitar and tape.  She did this for charity.  Amy, I need more charity.  Anyway I think she looks absolutely fabulous.  I can now die a very happy man.

Ashton Kutcher did some photo shoot for a magazine this week and this was one of the photos.  I guess you could say this is for the ladies but I think it is something out of Tom Cruise's dreams.

OK so even after the South Park I am going to talk about Britney Spears.  This is more common sense than anything.  Before she leaves her house, her father checks to make sure she is wearing underwear and a bra.  That is sort of creepy but I guess it is necessary.  It's sort of sad to think that an adult needs another adult to make sure they are wearing undergarments so they don't go flashing their headlights and chacha to photographers.

Mel Gibson and Britney Spears were photographed having dinner together.  He claims that he is looking out for her because they used to be neighbors and he wants to counsel her...yeah "cousel".  This has Ashton Kutcher written all over it.

Ok this is the big sex tape news so if you are offended by the notion that people sometimes have sex and videotape it leave now.

That is the last non-naughty picture you will see.

Kristin Davis of Sex and the City was recently revealed to be the star of a sex tape.  Some people have speculated that this is not really her but just a lookalike because of the fact that there is already a pay per view website set up.  Well it has been confirmed that it is her because a guy who dated her 5 years ago came forward with photographic evidence.  He also said that there isn't a tape but it is just pictures.  Here are some more.  By the way, looking at this one, I thought it was her tongue but it isn't. This always makes me wonder why celebrities document their sex lives.  I think it has something to do with how they are constantly in front of the camera and they need the precense of a camera to function.  Anyway that is what people say about Britney, she needs a camera taping in order to to have sex.  So I guess I need to start producing mine.

Anyway I hope your week was better than Kristin Davis'.  Hopefully I will be back tomorrow.

Well it has been a long fun day.  College basketball is so enjoyable.  These are just kids not out playing for millions of dollars but playing for the love of the game.  Sure some of them will go on to the NBA and only use the college ranks as a stepping stone due to the NBA's new policy that a player has to be one year removed from high school before declaring himself eligible for the draft.  Anyway I am cheering on North Carolina in two brackets, UCLA in another, and Memphis in another.  Overall I am pulling that Wisconsin actually do something this year besides winning one game and then getting beat in the second round.  Well now that I have talked about college basketball I feel it is time to talk about some crappy tattoos.

That looks as fake as Paris Hilton and just as crappy too.

Maybe this one isn't crappy because it looks just as nice as the actual animation from the first season.  I like it how the only one sitting in a chair is Joe and the other three are just sort of levitating.

And...you're proud...BECAUSE?????????  Your tattoo makes your daughter look like some sort of alien character from The Last Starfighter....how is that for a reference?

At first I thought this was someone attempting portraits in the French watercolor impressionism but then I realized it was just crap.  Well the kid on the right does look what I would imagine Phillip Seymour Hoffman to have looked like as a child, especially if he was anything like his character in Boogie Nights.

This tattoo gives new meaning to the term "thumbing a ride".

Fantasy tattoos are not fantastic.  Just look at those floating orbs, they are supposed to be 3D but 3D isn't something most people can achieve with tattoo art.  Also this person has gargantuan balls for actually making the dragon anatomically correct.  My last question is about the tail.  Is that supposed to be a flaming tip to the tail or is it just a gigantic zit?  I will have to role my multi-sided dice to find the answer.

Fish taco?  Yeah I get it but it doesn't look like a good fish taco and more like something Paris Hilton would have.  Wow, I am totally against Paris today, probably because of how she punked me last week.

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEE'SSSSSSSSSS Crappy Tattoo Johnny!!!! If you don't get the reference, got out this weekend and rent The Shining.

Hopefully she isn't tell her boyfriend to think of something different while he is behind her.

I didn't know the sun was a drinker.  Actually that sort of looks like me after a half dozen shots of beer and whiskey...see I can't remember the name of the drink but this dive bar offers a shot that the drop a shot of whiskey in about two shots of beer and then you slam it.  Horrible but it does the job to get rid of all the memories of that no-good tramp that ripped my heart through my chest and proceeded to stomp it into the ground...yeah I have what they call "trust issues".

I hope Connor led a productive life and didn't have all that acne or red streaks around his face.  Come on, if I get someone tattooed on my body there is no way in hell that I would let the artist put zits in the tattoo.  That is so indignant.

So would it be doggy-style or butterfly-style?

Well  I will be back tomorrow with another Celebrity Round Up but now I take my leave because The Boondocks is on Adult Swim.