What a week it has been!  Actually not much is happening.  The weather keeps fluctuating.  We didn't get that snowstorm because it dipped south and now it is a lot colder than normal.  My asthma is reacting accordingly.  The Badgers are getting their asses handed to them by Davidson...DAVIDSON!  Anyway it is time for mocking celebrities. 

After last week and all the sex tape pics, I will start off with one for the ladies.  William Shatner turned 77 this week.  His hairpiece turned 47.  Listen to Common People by William Shatner at this site.

Victoria Beckham was with her children at some special soccer match where David Beckham earned some sort of cap.  Anyway I just hope that kid wiped that booger all over her face.

Tyra Banks is supposedly set to leave America's Next Top Model.  She has two reasons.  First she hates the gay guy with silver hair and secondly she wants to put a greater focus on her show...HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!! More focus means more crap to make fun of her about.  The rumored replacement for TyTy is Naomi Campbell.  I guess instead of not handing the loser a picture they could have Naomi throw a BlackBerry at the loser.  Man, that would be awesome and BlackBerry could get free advertising.  See this is why I should not be allowed near any reality tv studios.

Tom Cruise has been showing up daily on the set of the new Star Trek movie prompting rumors that he will be making a cameo in the movie.  It won't happen, right now putting Tom Cruise in any movie even a cameo is box office suicide.  Hell, he is just showing up because every day is a Star Trek movie for him.  He is probably on set asking if their photon lasers are able to blast through Xenu's line of defense.

Last week Sarah Jessica Parker promised more appearances after being voted Unsexiest Woman in the World.  Hopefully this isn't one of her planned appearances.  Got to hand it to the porn community, they make some clever titles.

It was a slow week for celebrity gossip so that is why I am about to talk about Rikki Rockett, drummer of the band Poison.  He was arrested for rape this week.  Come on, with hair like that he doesn't have to rape but he has to avoid being raped by women....what? oh it isn't 1987 anymore...ok, so maybe he did rape someone.  Well I guess it is fitting since Brett Michaels rapes my intelligence every week with his reality show.

Rick Salomon officially signed his anullment papers with Pam Anderson thus ending their marriage.  The reason they decided to get the wedding anulled was stated in the papers as fraud.  Hell, everything on Pam Anderson is fake.  The good thing for Pam is that Rick isn't seeking any money following their split.  Apparently he has made enough off the video he did with Paris Hilton.   See that is why I need to start working on a sex tape, but I have that pesky need to have a female perform with me.

Richie Sambora was arrested for DUI this week.  The bad part about it was that his daughter was in the car with him along with another underage girl.  Somewhere Britney Spears is saying, "god, what a bad parent!"

Renee Zellwegger was in Duluth this week promoting her new movie, Leatherheads.  I really love that new Crisco skin treatment look.
  
The Pussycat Dolls made news this week, yeah I know SLOW WEEK.  Anyway these two pictures are from a concert in Malaysia.  The government found out and promptly fined the Pussycat Dolls manager for letting the group expose themselves in front of the country and corrupting the country's minds.  Why can't our government step up and pose fines against reality tv shows for making my mind cease functioning?  In case you don't know who the Pussycat Dolls are, they are a singing group and reality tv stars that promote female empowerment through stripping and the objectification of women.  GIRL POWER!

Pete Dohetry is set to convert to Scientology.  See this is why I can't take it seriously.  He is probably thinking what an awesome trip he would have listening to the stories of Xenu.  Hell, he probably has made contact with Xenu because of all the drugs he's put up his nose.  Anyway Tom Cruise needs to be stopped.  Quick, someone get a dildo made of Prozac and shove it up Tom Cruise's ass.

Paris Hilton is in Turkey this weekend to judge a beauty contest.  Apparently she tried to apply to judge some of the major contest held in America but she has been banned from attending.  She was interviewed by many Turkish television stations and she said that she is a wonderful role model for young girls.  I guess, if you want little kids running around filming themselves having sex and getting stds and doing drugs, then yes, she is a good role model.  Also she talked about how she is planning on turning the basement of her Beverly Hills mansion into a night club.  I bet her neighbors will love that.  She doesn't say what the name will be but I think it will be something like PARIS' speakEASY or Grand Opening...well grand opening is what Paris is called now so I suppose that would be fitting.

Earlier this week Paris was still in South Africa.  She proved how stupid she is in an interview with South African reporters.  They asked her how she liked the country of South Africa.  She said she loved both countries, South Africa and West Africa.  She also told the reporters that she had always wanted to see South and West Africa since she saw the movie The Lion King.  I still have yet to figure out how her publicist lets her speak and get interviewed.

The Olsen Twins did a bikini photo shoot this week....wow, that isn't the Olsen twins but the resemblence is remarkable.

Olivia Munn has been appearing in webisodes of some internet TV show.  This particular one she was only in a bra the whole episode while talking to Jesus.  Olivia, Jesus loves you and so do I.  Can you believe that was similar to a pick up line I heard at my college?  Well it is sadly true.  What isn't sad is how hot Olivia is.

The Bride of Frankenstein...oops, I mean Nicole Kidman was spotted at a Keith Urban concert this week.  Wow, I guess country music has the same effect on her as it does to me.

Make Me a Supermodel is coming to an end and my dad is sad.  Yes, for some reason he loves that show and I think this is why.  I am happy it is coming to an end but anyway.  The last photo shoot required guys to "tuck"  Why the hell would any guy want to do that?  I am proud of my junk and I will not hide it.  Oh this particular model is Perry.  In case you are wondering he was the gay guy involved in a Britney Spears hot tub incident last year.  Wow, he has come a long way since then.

So last week I reported that there was sex tape drama for Lindsay Lohan.  It turns out that the tape everyone thought was her wasn't her but Lindsay called her ex boyfriend up and her screaming was overheard by a reporter and apparently she screamed about how she couldn't believe that Collum released their tape.  So what does this mean?  There is a Lindsay Lohan sextape out there and it is only a matter of time before it is released.  Get ready people.  I will be on my knees in prayer later tonight asking for the release soon.

Let's play my favorite game, "Guess the Celebrity Ass".  Well this week's edition is quite easy.  That is Kim Kardashian.  She gets better looking each week.

Here is another pic of Johnny Depp as John Dillinger.  I have yet to find any revealing pics so maybe being an extra is out of line.

Jessica Simpson is in love.  She finally met a man who matches her intelligence level.

Jessica Alba said this week that she will never appear nude because she knows how to manipulate men.  She said it is so easy and all you need to do is dress sexy.....DUH!!!!!!!!!!!

Jamie Lynne Spears is officially engaged to her boyfriend and alleged baby daddy, Casey Aldridge.  Quick, someone call CMT and get them on My Big Redneck Wedding.  

Jack Nicholson was celebrating spring break this week.  I think this one is one for the ladies but maybe if the photo was taken 20 years ago.

Hulk Hogan is dating a girl that looks exactly like his daughter.  I guess that isn't that strange because Hulk once said in an interview that his daughter is a total piece of ass.

Here are Heidi Montag and Spencer celebrating Easter.  God, I wish I could go rabbit hunting right now.  Apparently the season debut of The Hills this week had 4 million viewers, which is 4 million too many.  anyway Spencer also started writing an advice column which I believe is entitled Yo Spencer.  If you want to read the most inane "advice" column ever check it out.

Heidi Montag also decided to have a lookalike contest for her new clothing line.  See she wants everyone who models her clothes to look like her. Vanity has a new name and it is Heidi.  Anyway spoiler alert...this is the winner of the contest.

Hayden Pantierre, sweat pants are an excellent look for you.

It was Fergie's birthday this week.  Apparently she was really excited to see everyone at the party.  Actually this is the old pic of her pissing herself at a concert.  She denied it was piss and said that when she dances she sweats because of all the hair....OMG I think admitting to pissing yourself would be more acceptable than saying you have a veritable forest of pubic hair to make you sweat that much.

Courtney Love is telling people that she is trying to move to London.  It seems fitting.  She has probably pissed off too many drug dealers in LA so she needs to go to London to prey on new blood.  

Sad news this week for Corrine Bailey Rae, her husband Jason was found dead this week of an apparent drug overdose.  I hope that she doesn't quit her singing because I thought she was quite brilliant.

This is part of a photo spread in GQ magazine featuring Claudia Schiffer and one lucky son of a bitch...I mean Joseph Gordon Levitt.  His career must be on the rise...oh yes you knew I would make a boner joke eventually.

This is Carrie Ann Inaba.  She is a judge on Dancing With the Stars.  She had to start at the bottom and work her way to the top as a judge of celebrity dancing.  I guess she has plenty of dance experience because they don't like to be called strippers anymore, it is dancers.  I need to go see some dancers this weekend.

Brooke Burke is a terrible mother.  It has been 10 months since she has given birth to her son and she has yet to give him a name.  Somewhere Britney Spears is saying, "god, what a bad parent, even I named my kids."  I think Brooke will go all crazy with her son's name and it will be something like Airline Pilot or Mozart Amadeus or maybe Emolicate.  

Apparently no one is watching Ashton Kutcher's new show.  I guess it is because the celebs he is using, besides Paris Hilton and Avril Lavigne, are so far down the list that no one cares.  See that Ashton?  It is me and every other gossip reporter and all of majority giving you the finger.  Just go away.

I've saved the craziest people for last................

The Dr. Pepper company announced this week that if Axl Rose release his album, 10 years in the making, Chinese Democracy, Dr. Pepper will give everyone in America a free can of Dr. Pepper.  The reason Dr. Pepper is doing this is because they won't have to give anyone a single can of Dr. Pepper and also they releazie what his quest for a perfect album is like because they once looked for the perfect amount of ingredients for their product but they stopped at 23 ingredients and they don't change it every few months.  Anyway don't expect to get any Dr. Pepper or maybe...just maybe...Axl has bought so much stock in Dr. Pepper and he will release the album thus driving his stock prices up so he can be super ultra mega rich...nah, he's too crazy.

Britney Spears was on How I Met Your Mother this week and apparently it wasn't that bad.  Following the heels of her performance she was offered the lead role in a London production of A Streetcar Named Desire and also CBS has started talking with Britney about having her own sitcom. You know this is just what a person who has suffered from a nervous breakdown needs, more stress.  

The Badgers lost.  Oh well.  I will try to be back tomorrow for a music update.