So no sign of my stalker today.  Maybe my shortness with him yesterday told him that he needed to stay away from me.  If he shows up I am going to give him a piece of my mind and of course when dealing with a stalker I will have my piece ready to go just in case. 

My cat just pulled down a recliner that she was trying to climb.  I don't know about these animals.  Oh well time to make fun of some comic books.

A plant that makes stereotypes...YES!  The wooden Indian plant?  What do these guys smoke?

Bad Bad Bad describes this comic book accurately.

For some reason I think this was the inspiration behind Batman's relationship with Robin.

Batman has a beard in more ways than one.

You know maybe I am perverted but a lot can be said about the gay factor in Batman comics.

Yeah totally gay.

Oh that is creepy, by golly!

Apparently Catman rewrote World War 2.  He was dropped into Japan, they capture Kitten (yeah that's his sidekick, at least she is female), he goes to rescue her, and causes the Japanese to surrender.

Comic book scientists are quite stupid.  Also they build shoddy houses.  Hmmm I guess monsters are leg-men...for some reason I always thought they were breast-men.

Those damn evil monks with their fedoras and tommy guns and cigarettes...see this is what happened to numerous comic books after the Allied victory in World War 2.

If this comic teaches me anything it is that I should never mess with Australians.

I really want to know why none of this is covered in my history books.  I would be riveted to learn about the Nazi green hairy mutants that Amazing Man battled. 

Well I have to go make some supper.  Tomorrow is tattoo day.

I haven't written anything the past few days and I probably have had good reasons.  I guess it all started Friday night.  There is this guy from my church that I think idolizes me and you will get a kick out of this but he is half-retarded.  I don't know the politically correct way to put it but the guy is definitely off as they say.  Anyway he shows up at my house and starts hacking up a lung.  I can hear something is wrong with him and I can hear his labored breathing.  He is sitting in a chair across the living room and I can hear him wheezing.  I act pretty pissed and tell him he needs to go to the doctor.  Well he wants to go to a bar and I tell him he needs rest and he starts shaking his head.  I said something along the lines of that if there was a smoking ban in the bars around here then maybe I would go with him that night but I thought it would be prudent for him to go home and get some rest.  Well he left and continued hacking and wheezing. 
He came back to my house Saturday afternoon and was hacking again.  Once again, I fervently urged him to go see a doctor.  He said, "No, I go home and rest." Yeah that is how he talks so this is what I am dealing with.  Saturday night I start coming down with something and I can't help but think it came from him.  I had a fever, ear ache, sinus headache and all that fun stuff.  I go to bed but after a little while I am awakened with pain in my ears so I took some Aleve and it knocked me out.  I woke up at 1PM and was in a daze.  I showered and cleaned up so that I could be presentable and then the creepiness began.
My stalker shows up at my house and knocks.  Normally if I leave my door unlocked he just walks in and says, "It me!"  Say what you will about leaving my door unlocked but I live in a town of about 1200 people so I just feel safe.  When I lived in the suburbs of Minneapolis, I left my door unlocked at night but I slept with a handgun next to my bed.  Anyway Sunday I had my door locked.  He tries opening it and then I hear him utter some obscenities.  Well I was on my couch so there was no way he could see me.  After about 3 sets of knocking he left my back porch.  I looked out the window slyly so he would not be able to see me.  He sat in his truck at the bottom of my driveway for about 30 minutes. I then took off.
I went to the Movie Gallery to receive a free rental(Sweeney Todd-5 days-total price 25 cents for disc insurance).  On the way home I looked at my cellphone and the stalker called, not just once but 5 times in a 10 minute period.  I then came home and got some snack foods for a get together at my church.  Of course my half-retarded stalker was there and so was that other retarded girl that follows me around everywhere in that church.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!  Why must they follow me.
Anyway the guy comes up to me and says, "I come your house and then come back Blazer gone." 
I said my best lie, "Yeah my mom dropped me off after a baby shower that I was invited to and then I had to go do some shopping."
He replied, "I make pizza, beer in fridge" 
I didn't eat anything at the function because he was standing behind the service counter and would hack into his hands and then immediately reach into the food without washing or using a utensil.  It was so disgusting.  Maybe I am a germaphobe but I think that is wrong. 
He left early and I was hoping I wouldn't see him for some time because of how sick he was.  The pastor and his wife who has been a nurse 20 years both agreed he needed to see a doctor.  My mom who has been a nurse for 35 years said he needed to see a doctor.  So guess...did he see a doctor...NO!  Captain Cleanliness shows up at my house Monday night, hack and wheezing and I went nuts and told him off.  I am really concerned about his health and I told him I speak from experience because I had pneumonia and went through what he is going through.  I told him over and over because it wasn't getting through his potato head.  To make matters worse, while I was telling him all this stuff, he was sitting there laughing.  That pushed me over the edge and I said, "I'm done." He pulled out a can of Dr. Pepper from his coat and said, "I good, I see doctor pepper."
He got up and left and then I proceeded to spray disinfectant all over the bottom floor.  I was at my wits end so I ended up calling his legal guardian and told her all the stuff he is pulling with the coughing and wheezing and she said she would make him spend Tuesday at home and take the day off of work and go to the doctor.  So was it resolved...NO!
I went out to the grocery store where he works to pick up some supplies for an after school program at the church.  Well I saw him but I was sneaky and went to the other side of the store to get my supplies.  Oh by the way this economy sucks and this small town grocery store isn't carrying much fresh produce because of shipping prices.  I went to the 7 items or less counter and then I hear, "HIIIIIII MAAAAAATTTTT!!!!"  I just shuddered.  He comes walking up to me and starts hacking without covering his mouth of course.  He starts saying all sorts of stuff and sees what I am buying.  For some reason he knows my schedule and says, "I hope you not give kids mar-ritas."
I replied, "No," and looked at the counter. 
He said, "I see you later."
I thought with any help from a god above it won't be tonight.  I went to church and sat there and no one showed up.  Great!  Anyway I decided to go see the doctor about my ears and sinuses so I can get some medicine.  Well my blood pressure was high and now I have to take that.  I told her all this shit that has been going on and she was concerned with how that is raising my pressure.  They had to take blood samples and let me say this now, I am a little wuss-boy when it comes to my blood.  One time I had a cyst removed and I saw the bloody gauzes they used during the procedure and I fainted.  Yes, I, dear readers, this perfect specimen of masculinity fainted at the site of his own blood.  Anyway I had to hold my arm out and look the other direction and then have a chair to white knuckle while they drew the blood.  The first attempt was at the normal place.  The lab worker tied me off and started slapping my veins but none of them came to surface.  Then she said how she had to try my hand and tie me off at the wrist.  I said, "Hurry." 
She got a vein and drew the blood.  It was an ordeal.  I was gripping the chair for all it was worth and making faces.  A doctor passed by and saw the look on my face and he asked if everything was alright and I said how blood makes me squeamish and how I would faint if I saw the blood.  Well he laughed and then the lab worker took my blood.  Well I went home after waiting about 15 minutes because the nurse didn't realize I was still there.  I was ready to smack somebody.  I get home and lock the door and draw all the shades.  The stalker didn't come by so all is good.  I got a phone call from the doctor and she said that all my blood tests came back perfect.  I then went to church and got my supplies and then relaxed at home but it was short lived with the butcher job on American Idol.  Why can't they leave Neil Diamond alone?

It worked on Pennsylvania.

I would have done this sooner but this afternoon we had some strong storms whip through here and one of the bands produced some tornadoes.  I don't think there were any major touchdowns and property damage but it just shook me up thinking that it is now tornado season.  The creek here in town is high and there are concerns of it going over the highway.  It is already at the bottom of a bridge in town so I guess those concerns have foundation. 

Oh poor Wesley Snipes.  See you in 2011.  He was sentenced to three years in federal prison for tax evasion.  I think the IRS is trying to flex its muscles.  All I have to ask is who is going to get all the sweet movie roles now that Wesley Snipes is in jail...oh yeah, not Wesley Snipes, as if he ever stood a chance for something that isn't straight to dvd.  Hey those three years in prison, Wesley, I want you to focus on why the hell you had to make 3 Blade movies.

I didn't know Martha Stewart and Lil' Kim hooked up in prison.  Actually that is Clay Aiken and Tyra Banks.  I wonder who is more feminine. 

NFL star, Terrell Owens, decided to go out for a stroll on the streets of Miami this week.  The downside to his stroll was that he was inadvertantly snapped in a photo shoot for the cover of a porn movie from the Bang Brothers.  You can see the edited version on the left.  You know, I seriously envy the lives of NFL stars.  This is something that will never happen to me unless I am walking down the street and get photographed for an Amish porno but then it wouldn't be a photographed but more like a pencil drawing.  Anyway, I still need to make my sex tape for fame...sigh.

Sandra Bullock and her husband Jesse James were in an auto accident this week.  They were hit head on by a drunk lady.  No one was hurt thankfully.  The lady was 3 times over the legal limit for alcohol.  You know this all could have been avoided if Sandra hadn't let her car's speed drop below 55mph.

Rihanna, you really need to get into women's wrestling.  I mean your outfits are perfect for it and it seems like your right hand knows were everyone's weak spot is.  Strangely I had a dream similar to this photo but yeah I won't go there.

I had a dream similar to this Rihanna photo as well except that both guys were me.  Yeah, I am weird.

This is Richard Quest, an anchor on CNN.  He was arrested Sunday evening for being in Central Park after hours.  See I don't blame him any on that because I didn't know they shut the park down at night but apparently to keep people from being mugged and sleeping in the park they shut it down.  Anyway when the police officer asked if he had anything on him he said, "Yes I have meth."  Of course he had meth in his coat pocket but that wasn't the biggest shock for the police officer.  He started patting him down and found a sex toy(anal beads) in his boots.  The officer continued his search and felt what he thought was a wire and he worried that he might have arrested a suicide bomber.  Well Richard took off his shirt to reveal a rope that was tied around his throat and then went down his front and was tied around his genitals.  Meth...anal beads...tied up genitals....this guy was on a quest for some dick.  CNN anchor Anderson Cooper said, "Better him than me."  OK he didn't really say that but Richard Quest's arrest has curtailed Coopers' "activities".  Of course this week CNN annouced that Dick Quest was heading to rehab.  Hopefully it will teach him not to walk around with anal beads and ropes tied around his wang.

Prince William got himself in some hot water this week when he landed a $20 million helicopter in his girlfriend, Kate Middleton's backyard.  Wow, that is so romantic.  If I only had $20 million to get a helicopter and land it in some girls' backyards then it would be so much easier.  Of course his superior field officers said that he was granted permission and everything was safe.  Wow, I wish that the Prince could just get pissed off at his superiors for questioning his actions and have them thrown in a dungeon.  Then the British royal family might actually have meaning.

Paris Hilton is in love with her boyfriend Benji Madden and she figures that because Nicole Richie and Joel Madden have a child together they are in love.  So Paris Einstein Hilton is planning a double wedding.  The reason she said they should have a double wedding is so that both couples could raise the bar in what they are paid for exclusive photo rights and then both couples could reap the benefits.  You know I received an email a couple weeks ago stating that I was too hard on Paris.  Yeah, she doesn't give me ANY reasons to be hard on her...she makes me want to puke.

Here's a little something for the ladies.  This is Weston Cage of the death metal band Eyes of Noctum.  Hmmm you are wondering who is this Weston Cage, well he is the son of Nicolas Cage.  Hey, Weston, if you are anything like your dad, enjoy that hair while it lasts.

You know Neve Campbell was really popular years ago but like grunge rock she faded away, but she is back and NAKED in her new movie I Hate My Job.  You know I really don't hate doing this when I have photos like this of Neve Campbell.

Look out, Princess Amidala, you're about to be pissed on!  Poor Natalie Portman.  It took every once of her vegan body not to hit that dog.  I think as revenge her next shoe line or clothing line will be made of dog.

Some more myspace photos of Miley Cyrus turned up this week.  Seriously, all hell will break loose when she turns 18.  She is what, 15?  Yeah, she just signed a multi-million dollar deal to write her autobiography for Disney.  Wow, I bet she has experienced a lot in those 15 years.

Here's another one of those Miley shots.  That guy, no one has any clue who he is, but he was voted luckiest S.O.B. of the year.

Here's a little something for the ladies.  Marky Mark Wahlberg and his fiance announced that they really hate condoms and that they are expecting their third child.  I bet his fiance has heard "Come on, come on, feel the vibration" plenty of times in bed.

Wow, Kim Kardashian actually looks pretty good without out all the make up spackled on her face.  Apparently she is really pissed off at Paris for saying Kim's ass looks like "cottage cheese in a trash bag".  Kim's revenge is quite interesting.  She is going around Beverly Hills and making contracts to be a spokesperson for the store and advertise for the store under the condition that the stores refuse service to Paris Hilton and barring her from shopping at said stores.  The funny thing is that some stores are actually doing this.  Hell hath no fury like a big butt woman scorned.
 
Kelly Clarkson...remember her?  American Idol season one winner?  Star of the movie From Justin to Kelly?  OK that last one made you remember.  One of her assistants spoke out this week about her disgust for working for Kelly Clarkson.  Apparently Kelly likes to be naked...all the time.  You know from time to time I like to shed the clothes but if people come around I put clothes on and if I am ever interviewed for a teen magazine I would wear clothing.  Yeah so maybe I would enjoy working for Kelly Clarkson.

JLO signed her death warrant this week.  She signed a contract with TLC and apparently the show will focus on how she juggles being a performer and being a wife and being a mother and how she coordinates all of her nannies and all of her cooks and her agent.  Oh, please, tell us the secret of how to juggle all these things!

This week's sign that the apocalypse is upon us or at least that people still make deals with the devil...Jimmy Fallon is set to take over the Late Night Show in 2009 when Conan O'Brien moves over to fill in for Jay Leno when he retires.  I predict that like Saturday Night Live, he will be amusing for a few weeks but then I will grow tired of his repetition and thus will switch over to watch softcore porn on Cinemax.

Here is a photo of Jessica Simpson after a Smurf orgy.  Actually it was taken after her boyfriend Tony Romo's birthday party and they fed each other cake...how sick.

I think I like the story of the Smurf orgy better and would love to start the rumor that she is giving hand jobs to Smurfs behind the gas station to make ends meet, but then how do you explain the guy..maybe he likes to snowball?

Lynne Spears sat Jamie Lynn down this week to prepare her for childbirth.  Lynne has been upset that Jamie is milking her pregnancy for fame.  After the video Jamie Lynn was in tears.  Later in the week Jamie Lynne said she is not looking forward to childbirth and all the blood and all the goop as she called it.  I think I truly know what she is looking forward to....THE DRUGS!

PLEASE LORD LET THIS BE TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some dumb bitch better not
be playing a bad joke on all of us. This is not a laughing matter, because my
soul needs this to happen. A Wikipedia page has gone up for a new Vh1 show
called "I Love Money." The show is supposed to debut
this July. It's a spin-off featuring the skanks, whores and douches from "Flavor
of Love," "I Love New York" and "Rock of Love."

This co-ed battle
between reality stars will throw contestants from each of those shows in a
mansion in Huatulco, Mexico and have them battle each other.
Similar to MTV's Real World/Road Rules Challenge, these reality show stars will
be fighting physically and mentally to take home $100,000. Production started
in early February, 2008, and is wrapping up in March.

They had to film in Mexico, because you can get a Valtrex
there without a prescription. The US Center for Disease Control also banned the
producers from bringing all these disease-ridden skanks together in one house
in the US. That scenario has the makings of a Super-STD!

This is the supposed cast:

Host: LaLa

Pumkin (Flavor of Love,
Season 1)
Hoopz (Flavor of Love, Season 1)
Toasteee (Flavor of Love, 2)
Nibblz (Flavor of Love, Season 2)
Bootz (Flavor of Love, Season 2)
Sinceer (Flavor of Love, Season 3)
Thing 1 (Flavor of Love, Season 3)
Thing 2 (Flavor of Love, Season 3)
Chance (I Love New York, Season 1)
Real (I Love New York, Season 1)
Heat (I Love New York, Season 1)
12 Pack (I Love New York, Season 1)
Whiteboy (I Love New York, Season 1)
The Entertainer (I Love New York, Season 2)
Midget Mac (I Love New York, Season 2)
Heather (Rock of Love, Season 1)
Brandi C. (Rock of Love, Season 1)
Destiney (Rock of Love, Season 2)
Megan (Rock of Love, Season 2)
Kristy Joe (Rock of Love, Season 2)

This is the greatest cast
ever assembled for a television event. Bootz, Heather and Pumkin in one room? I
can already smell the delicious aroma of whore blood, weave glue and sperm
spit.

If this is true, July will be magic.

Hillary Duff has been offered the lead role on the new Beverly Hills 90210 and she is supposed to be some artsy student.  This is making me sick, I need to go punch a baby pigeon.

Heidi Montag was invited to the White House correspondants dinner by MSNBC.  I don't know what to make of that, but Spencer has forbidden her from attending.  Most likely it was because he wasn't invited.  He said that this dinner isn't "A-Listy" enough.  I guess the President of the United States and top government officials aren't on the A-List and no one in America is concerned with them.  It is a good thing Speidi isn't going because could you imagine Spencer and Heidi getting into a conversation with George Bush, it would be a black hole of retardation that would swallow the world.

These children were heard to say, "When we grow up, we want to be a one trick pony just like you, Heidi!"  This was the special launch of Heidi's new clothing line, Heidiwood.  Only 20 people showed up.

Gary Coleman and his wife of 8 months are heading to divorce court...no, not an actual court but the tv show "Divorce Court".  Apparently they are having problems and ned to go on a syndicated tv show to sort their problems out.  This really has me thinking.  Why hasn't VH-1 thought up a reality show based around celebrities getting divorced?  Oh it probably is in the works, especially seeing that they are making a second season of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew and one of the confirmed rehabees is Heidi Fleiss.

This weeks Guess the Ass...oh that ass is G L A M O R O U S  Yeah, it is totally Fergilicious.  The ass belongs to Fergie.
 
I think this is the only thing that Fergie has done that I approve.
 
Here's some more for the ladies.  This is Chad Michael Murray.  I guess the chicks really dig this dude.  I don't see what he has that I don't have except a jar of delicious jam.  You cocky son of a bitch!

I blame Tyra, I totally blame Tyra...this week during America's Next Top Model a woman stabbed one of her friends.  Apparently a group of women had gathered to watch that crap and drink beer.  Well one woman got a little too loud and the other woman couldn't hear so she stabbed her with a nearby knife that was in an apple.  Apparently the stabber is still at large.  God, there isn't anything to do in Seattle but this?  I bet Tyra will milk this for all it is worth..."On the next Tyra Banks Show...Tyra will discuss how a stalker stabbed another woman an apple knife just to get closer to Tyra"

Emma Watson turned 18 last week and already the scandalous photos are surfacing.  These were taken this week when she was attempting to go to supper.

First person to make a "Hairy" Potter joke gets a punch in the face.

Seriously, no "Hairy" Potter jokes.

"Hey, man, it's me, Eddie Van Halen.  Don't you remember me from the 80s?  How could I be a terrorist?  Oh wait,  what you're feeling is my weapon of mass destruction.  Come on, I'm Eddie Van Halen.  Remember 'Jump'?  OK, if you let me go, I'll play your kid's birthday party for $100"

Oh David Beckham and his sons are quite randy.  Like father, like sons.  Posh must have seen the 4/15 photo so he wised up on 4/20 or maybe he was stoned.

Danica Patrick set a record in the Indy Car world this last weekend.  She became the first woman to win a race. Yeah she put her make-up while looking in the rearview as she crossed the finish line and the rest is history.  I am wondering how many people will call me out on that rearview comment...it is an indy car...yeah I don't think people will get that.

Please, Brooke Hogan, don't eat that dog.  It's not what hot dogs are made from.  Brooke has been trying to get into college.  The schools probably have looked at the reality show and have denied her applications.  University of South Florida, Florida State University, and University of Central Florida were her first, second, and third choices respectively.  USF and UCF emphatically said no.  FSU learned that Brooke is also planning on having the cameras follow her around on campus and they said no because it might distract students.  That is Florida State University worried about students being distracted...yeah and they are one of the top party schools in the country.  Brooke, if Florida Atlantic University turns you down, you can always try DeVry.  They are serious about success.

Amy Winehouse was seen celebrating 4/20 this week with a joint in her mouth.  Surprised?  Not really after seeing her smoke crack.  Apparently she has been arrested for beating a guy and his girlfriend at a bar in London.  Why is it that every single woman I fall in love with have to go to prison?

Is it me or does Britney's new bikini body look a lot like her old bikini body?  Wow, that was the only Britney news this week.

Well I will try to get back to you tomorrow as long as the weather is good and I don't wear myself out shopping.

My myspace friend, Olivia Munn, posted some more photos from her trip to Jamaica.  The winner is us.  Yeah I don't want to sound like a psycho.  I know that she probably doesn't care about my existence but I find her attractive so I am just going to keep on posting her photos.

It is a Thursday.  I didn't go anywhere today.  I am trying to figure out the future of my life but I can't seem to get my sights set on anything.  I get depressed hearing good news from friends when I should be happy but it makes me think I have wasted my life thus far.  I did have a scare today but it was with the weather.  The rain was pelting my window and then the tornado siren went off throughout town.  I looked outside but nothing seemed out of the ordinary as far as the weather was concerned so after a check of the local news channel I realized it was Tornado Awareness Week so I resumed my regular activities.  Tomorrow night the weather forecasters are predicting more snow and to think that just a few days ago it was near 80 degrees outside but of course this is Wisconsin.

Well on to making fun of some crappy tattoos.

Wow!  Those look nothing alike!  Why is it that the tattoo baby appears to be Asian and the photo baby appears to be Caucasian?  Oh the mysteries that abound in the world of tattoos!

You know wings that size will never be able to lift that guy for flight.  Yeah I am a nerd for physics like that.

Did I ever mention that I think branding is horrible?  Mix branding with tattooing and butterflies...well you have a huge pile of crap.

Wow, Troy is the best seahorse tattoo ever!! I have wondered how to write the raspberry sound and give a thumbs down...oh anyway I am trying to be sarcastic...a seahorse?  Are you daft?

You know if you stare at the flower long enough it starts to look like a vagina.  So my question is, since when did Georgia O'Keefe start doing tattoos?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is the spider that tried to take my leg and now my mortal enemy has it tattoo upon his body....curses!  See, I am a big nerd who reads comic books but I did get bit by a spider and almost lost my leg but I didn't gain any superpowers.

Thank god they covered up one piece of crap tattoo with another piece of crap tattoo.  Beautiful!

So I would love to understand the thought process behind deciding to get your entire tongue tattooed black.

See I told you they were gay.

Say Anything.....about how crappy this tattoo is.

I think I would have gone with real jewlery instead of a tattoo.  Real jewlery can be less expensive, less crappy, and of course you can take it off freely at will.  

People, for the last time, you have to spell check BEFORE you get the tattoos.

Tomorrow I have two posts for you.  My normal Celebrity Round Up and then a special something from my myspace friend, Olivia Munn.

Oh Wednesday night...How I used to loathe thee!  When I was teaching there was something always depressing about Wednesday evenings.  I think it had something to do with that on Thursday the kids started getting psyched for the weekend so they stopped paying attention. 
I will let you in on two secrets about myself.  This season I have been watching American Idol religiously, well as religiously as I can with songs like Shout to the Lord and Jesus Christ Superstar.  I even make comments about which singer I liked and which singer mangled one of my favorite songs.  Well this week saw the contestants sing from the works of Andrew Lloyd Webber.  I generally do not listen to Broadway songs unless I am forced to by my flamboyant father.  This week also saw a first where a contestant started singing, forgot the lyrics, and then restarted.  Guess she will not be considered for the FOX karaoke show Don't Forget the Lyrics.  I was disappointed with the voting off of Carly Smithson but part of me said it was merited because she already has already put out an album on the Geffen label. 
Secret two is that I have been watching Top Chef.  I like to cook but I don't cook fancy.  Now that the weather is nice and no longer winter I can finally grill.  Tonight's episode was an interesting because they made the chefs "improvise".  I still am shaking my head over the choice of which chef went home.  The team that put out sea bass and chorizo as a improv on Polish sausage should be drug into the streets of Chicago and beaten with Polish sausages.

Now it is time for some comic books.

And that, children, is how babies are made....you mustn't forget in order to make babies you need a pack of blood thirsty Rottweilers circling you.

Why, yes, cutting an indestructible thread with an ordinary pair of house scissors makes perfect sense to me, "Doc".

Is this some special edition of the Dagwood series or is "splitting the atom" some sort of 50s slang for Dagwood having sex with Blondie?

Desperate Dan is scaring the fuck out of me.

How the hell is crushing pavement completely quiet?  That police officer must be hard of hearing.

I beg to differ!  I think a pet monster armadillo would be excellent for comedic gags around the house and community.  Like think of all the laughter I could illicit when I would take my pet monster armadillo to the next wedding reception that is held a block away from my house and where the music keeps me awake at night and my pet monster armadillo slashes people and destroys the DJ booth, oh my goodness I can't write anymore because I am in stitches.

I have read somewhere that the majority of women have one breast that is slightly larger than the other and it usually happens to be the breast corresponding to the dominant hand.  That said....this cover is ridiculous.

Look at the robot.  Do you think he is checking out Axa's ass?  I do.

Some nights I get no sleep because I lay awake and wonder if World War 2 would have had a different outcome if the Nazis didn't spend so much time on human/animal hybrids.

I'm guessing they aren't married.

I think this is the prank that sent The Joker over the edge.

Isn't saying that only certain people can read this comic something the Nazis would have decreed?

Well I will be back tomorrow with a crappy tattoo review.

Another beautiful day in my neighborhood...except for that thunderstorm that rolled through this morning.  Knocked out our power at least twice.  Also we had some hail so I had to inspect my car for any damage but there wasn't any just a lot of sap from the tree I parked underneath.  Tonight was the Democratic primary in Pennsylvania and apparently this thing is still not over.  Hillary seems to think she is going to win the nomination but I don't think that will be possible.  Of course within the next week all she will talk about is Obama's relationship with his pastor, Jeremiah Wright.  AND of course Hillary won't mention it and Obama won't mention it because he has tried to stay above Hillary's mudslinging techniques but damn it I will mention it.  I think it is so hypocritical that Hillary is calling out Obama on his relationship with Jeremiah Wright when Bill and Hill brought Wright into the White House to be a spiritual advisor and marriage counselor after Monica-gate.  Anyway I just am getting sick of this whole episode but at least it is better than the media sensationalizing some human interest story to drive the masses into insanity and overprotection of their children.  Time to be funny.

Presenting some defaced money.

I guess things were pretty tough back in the Civil War era and thus would give Abe Lincoln plenty of reasons to turn into Emo Abe.

It's Peanut Butter Washington Time!

It is amazing what a little time and a pen can produce.

Now available at Kentucky Fried Chicken locations nationwide for a limited time only.

Pharaoh Washingkamun...the hieroglyphics add a pleasant touch.

Get your filthy hands off my money you damn dirty apes!

I was thinking of making a pun about a quarter-back and realized it wasn't funny.

I wish my friendly neighborhood Spiderman handed these out instead of slinging all those webs around town.

Washington the 13th.  He hates camp counselors who like to have sex instead of watching over the campers.  (Cue creepy Friday the 13th music)

Those adamantium claws sure look scary.

Mighty Morphin Power Lincoln...you know if he was a MMPR the Civil War would have ended a lot sooner and we wouldn't know who John Wilkes Boothe was or have ever heard of the play Our American Cousin or ever say the expression, "My name is Mud". 

So maybe this isn't defaced and maybe it isn't real but I think this is truly what the economic stimulus package will be when we get it in the mailbox.

Definitely at large.....

This was eerie the first time I saw it, but not as strange as the Wilco/9-11 coincidence.  Dave Matthews played in New York 2 years before the attack on the Trade Center and I can't get a clearer picture but if you look at the tower on the right it looks like there is something bulging out right about where the plane hit. 

Just curious if any of my female readers would go to a gynecologist named Dr. Stiff.  I think I would run as fast as I could in the opposite direction.

Don't have to tell me twice.

I don't think that will be a problem but it might help me find them more attractive.

This is a larger political dilemma than the Clinton/Obama debacle.

Well tomorrow I hope to be back with an all new comic book review.

Today was a halfway decent day.  The weather was nice and it was relaxing and helped me enjoy some pain free time to myself.  I am going to try to write more and try to be funny.

This is actually pretty clever when you think of all the garbage that he has given us over his career.  I'm looking at you Money Pit and you Splash and you Bossom Buddies and you The Ladykillers.

I thank God that I don't have this job.

Best. Underwear. EVER!

Nor would I want him to catch me smoking indo and sippin on gin and juice.

Is she giving him a prostate exam?  I would hate to be where elderly people necessitate warning signs.
 
LOOK OUT IT IS A RENEGADE CHURCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AH!!!!!!!! It's coming right for us!!!!!!!!!!!

You have to examine this court case on your own.

Wow, I should stop turning my shaft.

Really?  Jesus is like that?  I am always encouraged when a female tells me this but I don't know about my Lord and Savior.

OMG!  $25 for 7 Yuenglings...actually I need to find out where this is because a $4.55 Blow Job doesn't sound that bad right about now.

Yeah I'm not even going to bother with this one.

Seriously, I know the pain that kid is going through.  On a vacation with my family when I was entering the 3rd grade we went to Sault Saint Marie and into Canada.  We were examining the locks and all of a sudden a seagull dived at me and took a massive dump all over my shoulder.  I cried.  That incident has fueled my hatred of birds and also my phobia of the flying rodents.

CURSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The comic book world keeps dragging me back.

You are too old if you have to ask if you are too old.

It's funny because when they tear into your leg and femoral artery and then your jugular AIDS may be possibly passed along...seriously it isn't funny because there is no evidence that dogs have HIV like diseases and retroviral infections BUT cats and their FIV that is scary.

That is the best church ever or should I say eva.

Alright, I'll just take the fine.

Manly men change their own tires.

So I am going to bed now to get some rest so I can be funny for you tomorrow.

You are probably wondering why I didn't make any entries this week.  Well it has been a hellish week on my family.  One day my dad comes home from work in horrible pain and can hardly move.  He goes to the doctor and all the tests are inconclusive.  Today he went back to the doctors and they ran tests on him from about 10 until 2 and all they could come up with is that his kidneys aren't functioning properly.  Also this week my mom woke up early one morning and then came downstairs and said her heart was racing so she went to the hospital and was admitted and they did a variety of tests and all they could come up with is that with all the medicine she is on it will sometimes do that to her heart and if it happens she should just rest.  Then that brings me to myself.  I was sitting and relaxing on my throne reading the new Maxim and I felt a strange sensation.  I got up and examined a toilet bowl full of blood.  After I woke up from fainting, I quick cleaned up and flushed.  Yeah I didn't go to the hospital because I was scared.  Well the same thing happened the next day so then I went in.  They think I probably have a bleeding ulcer.  I have been so weak lately and that is probably why.  I have just stayed under blankets and tried to stay warm.  Anyway I did keep up with the celebrity news this week because well it's what I do and I know you enjoy it.

This is Zoe Kravitz.  She is the daughter of Lenny Kravitz and Lisa Bonet.  So maybe she isn't famous and she only has four entries on her imdb page but give me a break her nipples are showing.

In an interview this week Tori Spelling said that she is an icon for the gay community not because she is gay but because apparently gays love her.  Maybe she was referring to gay horses.  Tom Cruise could not be reached for comments as to whether or not Tori is an icon to him. 

This week all that has been on the major news networks is the talk of the polygamy camps in Texas and Arizona.  It is sort of getting boring to me and then I saw this woman interviewed.  I am no longer thinking those guys are lucky to have more than one wife. 

Another week of Guess the Ass.  I should be asking Guess the Diet of the Celebrity.  Well it is Sophie Monk a singer, actress, and part-time model.  She got that beautiful ass on her fabulous diet.  Yes the diet of cigarettes and caffeine and breast implants and collagen lip injections...ahhh natural beauty!

Siena Miller seems to have lost her shirt.  You know with all the money she has raked in from all the movies she has starred in, you would think that she would have money to afford some curtains or say, a room in which she can change without the public seeing her naked breasts...not that I am complaining only just saying.

This is Rumer Willis, the daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore.  She is 18 years old.  Ashton Kutcher is her step-father.  Yeah that is hard to grasp.  Anyway for some reason Demi had her husband Ashton sit down all her children and give them the sex talk.  Yeah I am not getting this nor am I making it up.  Anyway one of Rumer's sisters said that Rumer is no longer a virgin.  Ashton didn't know what to say and left the room.  All I can say is thank god for maids and assistants who love to dish these stories out for public consumption.  I look at Rumer and then I look at my penis and realize my penis would never forgive me for such an act.

Guess the Ass part deux....Can you guess the ass of this heavily tattooed probably lesbian pop singer who just divorced her heavily tattooed BMX rider husband?  If you said Pink, well then you like celebrity asses as much as I do.

In a radio interview this week, Paris Hilton said she hated big asses like Kim Kardashian's and she went on to say that Kim's ass reminds her of "cottage cheese inside of a big trash bag."  Who knew Paris could be so articulate?  But if anyone would know about trash it is Paris Hilton.

In the same interview Paris went on to say that she hates big breasts like Jessica Simpson's and thinks they are gross.  I guess that explains this, huh?  Even though it is Paris Hilton, I still want to hit Joe Francis.

This is Nicole Narain and this is the first time she has appeared nude since her sextape with Colin Farrell.

Here's a little something for the ladies and get your minds out of the gutter with that little comment.  This is Michael Caine and after his career, he has earned the right to adjust himself in public.  I sometimes wish I was that famous and I could just readjust in public and not end up getting slapped.  Nuns can sometimes be bitchy.

Mary Kate Olsen found yet another way to completely erase any ounce of sex appeal she has left.

A sex tape featuring Marilyn Monroe and an unidentified male was sold for $1 million this week to a private and anonymous collector who will not release the tape publicly.  The funny thing with this tape is that it was used by the FBI.  J. Edgar Hoover tried to prove that the male receiving some quality head in the tape was JFK.  His face was never shown and knowing Hoover's panache for dressing in women's clothing I think the way he wanted to find out was to seduce JFK and compare.  Oh and people think politicians are corrupt in this day and age!

This is Lori Loughlin.  If you don't know who she is, you never saw the sitcom Full House.  She played Becky, Uncle Jesse's girlfriend and then wife on the series.  It has been 13 years since Full House stopped production however she is still a MILF.

Michael Lohan informed the "world" this week that his daughter Lindsay is set to become a missionary and go to India to bring them the message of Christ or at least give them a lot of money and probably STDs.  Yeah, this is just what the Christian church needs right now.

It was also reported that this week Lindsay moved in with her "special friend" Samantha Ronson.  Apparently Samantha is a good influence on Lindsay's life and she has kept Lindsay out of trouble.  Of course it is hard to snort cocaine when your mouth is full of vag.

You know Lily Allen's new blonde hair is starting to grow on me.  She looks like some sort of 80s disco queen and it really brings out the white in her skin or maybe that is because she is British.  Either way I say congrats to Lily for also becoming the number one female talk show host in the UK.  Well if only people knew the workings of British television, then they would realize that is no easy feat.  See most shows don't last more than one season and her show has been picked up for a second season thus making her the number one female talk show host.  Oh and I didn't make a Smile joke.

Kim Kardashian did some poses for a new line of lingerie that she is endorsing.  I don't know why but looking at this shot I am reminded of the Bible story of the great whore of Babylon and now believe the end is nigh, and when the end comes it will do so in a shower of bras, lingerie, breast implants, sextapes, and herpes...oh you can't forget the herpes....Give me a break, while I was in the hospital I listened to the televangelist that John McCain is good friends with, John Hagee.  You need to look up some of the crap he says, it so makes Obama's pastor look tame.

Seriously, if I was Kim Kardashian, I would be feeling myself up as well.

The biggest rumor this week was that Katie Holmes is trying to take Suri and separate from Tom Cruise.  All is not well in the house of Scientology.  I guess when you take $3million to be a fake wife then there has to be certain expectations like no more free will, hopes or dreams.  Katie, we are both the same age and well I'm single and you are married to a lunatic douchebag...call me up.

This is Katherine Heigl on the way to her new job as the new spokesperson of Clearasil.

HAHAHAHA Look at Jude Law and his lack of hair!  His hairline is retreating faster than Hamilcar in the Battle of Cape Ecnomus.  Yes, I went there!  That is for those people that don't think I am educated because I follow the lives of celebrities.

Wow, two former Full House stars in one blog...the planets are aligning....Wow, Jodie Sweeten!  It seems like only yesterday you were driving the family car through the kitchen wall...oh wait, it was yesterday in a rerun.  Anyway she gave birth to a baby girl this week.  She named her Zoie(yes that is the spelling).  I think Jodie should have named her daughter Duck-Face, but then I really love Full House and that is probably why I am single.  Sorry, she looks so hot.

One of Jessica Simpson's handlers spilled the beans as to why she was in the hospital a couple of weeks ago.  She describe it in two words: Booze and Sex.  Apparently she is trying to impress Tony Romo and his friends by trying to keep up with them and their drinking.  Of course she doesn't realize that Tony and his friends are from Wisconsin and most of these guys weigh twice what she does.  No one has ever accused her of being smart.  She was also worried that she might be pregnant and was worried that her partying might affect the baby but thankfully she isn't the Simpson sister that is pregnant.  more on that later.

Let's play Guess the Ass Crack.  It's Jessica Biel.  When I imagine her naked it is similar to this except she is naked, doesn't have that stupid hat, nor does it feature a dog.  See people this is why I am a hard-hitting journalist.

Jenna Jameson was on The View this week to promote her new masterpiece that she directed entitled Zombie Strippers.  She says this movie is a tome against the Bush administration.  You know here I always thought Jenna loved the bush but anyway you better look out Heidi Montag because Jenna may just be trying to wrest away that title of "America's Feminist Hero" you proclaimed yourself to be.

After The View, Jenna was spotted in a restaurant eating the first clam in her life that wasn't bearded.

Heidi Montag, "America's Feminist Hero", unveiled her new clothing line this week.  This is what she wore to the premiere.  I think all that is missing is a stripper pole and oh what is that word....oh yeah...CLASS!

After her fashion show Heidi was reunited with her long lost sister.

Hayden Panettiere was photographed on the set of her new movie this week.  All I have to say is Hayden, I love you.

Can you believe it but Gary Busey is now homeless.  He was evicted from his house because he owed $50,000 in back rent.  Hmm I could use a crazy roommate of course he wasn't as crazy as my neighbor whom I was convinced had murdered his wife and buried her in the room that was next to mine and then screamed at his one year old daughter.  Yeah that guy is crazier than Busey but anyway...could you imagine Gary Busey as a roommate?  I have some knives that need sharpening I really think those teeth could do the job...I smell a new reality series.

This is Emma Watson.  She is from the Harry Potter movie series.  She turned 18 this week and now has full access to her $20 million fortune from all the movies.  Hmmm...I could go for a sugar momma.

David Beckham proved this week that he is like most males and they enjoy bigger booties than that skin and bones stuff Posh Spice offers.

David Beckham's son Cruz, needs to get a red card for that.

Last week I posted about Angel Melaku and the photo never loaded.  Well this is her.  This is the ass that beats Kim Kardashian and defies the laws of gravity.

Brett Michaels picked her Rock of Love last Sunday night.  He picked Ambre...I hate that, I just want to type Amber to spite her.  Here is why this is a joke...besides their fake looking kiss and his fake hair...apparently the rumor going around is that they have already broken up and at the reunion show he talks about his next reality series and surprise it isn't Rock of Love 3 but a show following him around on the road touring the county fair tour but supposedly he announces that he is dating a contestant from the show that he kicked off.  Oh I love reality series, they are so meaningless.  How does a person find true love in a house full of women in a matter of weeks?  I'd love to be part of that experiment.

Avril Lavinge and her husband Derek Whibly were photographed having some fun this week.  I swear if I was forced to spend every day married to her I too would take advantage of rubbing her breasts in a public park.  

Amy Winehouse is the best babysitter ever.  Yes, that is vodka.  Jessica Simpson should take some tips from Amy.

This is Alina Kabaeva.  She is a Russian model and gymnast.  She also happens to be engaged to Vladimir Putin.  Why can't we get a first lady like this in America?

Last week it was reported that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz were engaged.  God, they look so awkward and the rumor about them probably explains the awkwardness.  Apparently Ashlee is pregnant.  There is no way these two have sex.  They probably sit in bed at night and draw hearts on each other's legs with black eyeliner and giggle about it.    If she is pregnant I am predicting that she gives birth to a tube of black eyeliner.

Now the reason that Ashlee and Pete haven't announced their pregnancy is that her father Joe is going around to all the news outlets trying to see who will pay $1 million for the exclusive inter view.  These people make me sick.

Just when you thought we were in for another Britney free week...Britney got into a three car accident this week.  She was tested to see if she was drunk or on any other substances.  Luckily she was sober.  I am really beginning to think that Californians need ejection seats in their cars so that when they see Britney driving on the road they can eject themselves to safety.

If there is a god then this next story will be true.  Apparently Britney has been keeping a video diary for the last 6 months which covers all her craziness and battles.  She is shopping it to networks for airing.  Please, Lord, please!

It has been announced this week that Britney is supposedly the new spokesperson for Bally's gym.  REALLY!  Jamie Lynn probably would have an easier time convincing me to wear condoms than Britney would telling me to exercise.  I am convinced that Britney couldn't even spell exercise.

Well I need to get some rest and get this cat off my shoulder.  Since I have been out of the hospital one of my cats has been paying extra attention to me and will not let me out of her site.  She like to sit on my shoulder while I type, I feel like some sort of pirate.  Anyway it's time for bed.

OK, I promised.  Friday night I went to see Cloud Cult at High Noon Saloon in Madison.  It was an excellent show and we had excellent seats.  J, L, and myself were in the corner of the balcony right over the sound booth so basically we had the perfect sound for the show.  The show opened with The Forms.  They were what has been described as wiry, punchy indie punk.  They did a cover of "All Apologies" that was quite memorable.  The lead singer had a decent voice however the bass player tried to sing falsetto or at least higher notes than what he should have attempted and he spoiled a few songs.  You can listen to some of their mp3s on their homepage or on their myspace page. 
The next band up was American Music Club.  They were quite good.  The music was peaceful and at one time I think I nodded off but I think that is because I am just getting older and it was past my bedtime.  Mark Eitzel, lead-singer/songwriter of AMC, commonly describes the band as "slowcore" and "sadcore" which I think are quite fitting descriptions.  Anyway if you want to hear their mp3s head over to their homepage or their myspace page.  I think my favorite song is on their myspace and is entitled All the Lost Souls.
The last band of the evening was Cloud Cult.  They are an experimental rock group located in Minneapolis.  When people ask how I got into Cloud Cult (wikipedia entry), I usually tell them about some of the experimental features of the band and then how they sound like nothing else out there today.  One description I have heard that tries to encompass what their music sounds like that is probably the best descriptor is "Baroque Pop".  The first time I saw Cloud Cult perform it was at some sort of Woodstock-esque performance at First Avenue in Minneapolis.  I should begin by saying Cloud Cult is a 5 piece band well 7 if you include the two regular painters.  Yes, painters.  During live performances, on each side of the state, their are two people who create paintings.  Over the course of the show they finish the paintings and then auction them off at the end of the show with all proceeds going to charity.  The first time I saw Cloud Cult they had 4 painters and it was amazing to watch art being created while the music was playing.  This last Friday they only had one painter probably because the stage at High Noon Saloon is rather small.  So the lineup features a lead singer/guitarist/keyboardist, bass player/drummer/tromboner/keyboardist/vocalist, drummer, violinist/keyboardist/vocalist/tambourine, cellist/keyboardist/vocalist and the painter/vocalist/keyboardist....quite the show just watching all the movement and musical talent..it was stellar.  Well if you want to hear mp3s I am posting a few and you can also visit their myspace page.

Living Outside Your Skin

Chain Reaction

Please Remain Calm

Pretty

Mr. Tambourine Man