Let me begin by apologizing.  Last night I went to visit J an L and then we went to see Cloud Cult in Madison.  I would have posted earlier but I got busy in the afternoon with running errands and getting my car fueled and adding some oil and keeping an eye on the weather.  Anyway it was an awesome show and I will have to elaborate later.  On to celebrity foibles!

Vanilla Ice was arrested this week for spousal abuse.  The reason he started beating his wife was because she went out and bought a bedroom set for their daughter without asking his permission.  He must be running low on all that Ice Ice Baby money.  Also, this was the only hit he has had in years...spousal abuse isn't funny but I'm trying to change all that.

Here we see Tyra Banks being all annoying as usual.  I don't think it is possible for her to do anything without being annoying.  Poor Michael Bloomberg!  Apparently he thought it would be fitting to have Tyra plant a tree in New York City promoting her 600th episode of her talk show.  Wow, was he wrong...he had to put up with her annoying ass.  Come on Tyra, have you no decency?  This man may be the next vice president of our great country.

Oh Tori Spelling! Pregnant and in a bikini....yeah!  Just it would be pleasant for you to keep your mouth shut about how tough it was growing up rich and how much you want to be on the new Beverly Hills 90210.  Yes, people it's coming back...the apocalypse is upon us.

This is one of the photos Tom Cruise did in the 80s for a gay magazine.  Hmmm, that doesn't sound odd; posing half naked for a renowned gay magazine...no nothing wrong there.  The reason why these pics are surfacing again is because the cowboy from The Village People released a biography that he claims he "partied" with Tom Cruise repeatedly.  So some lawyers have stepped in and threatened a lawsuit against the publisher if they publish the book.  Strange thing with this is that for awhile Tom was managed by Lou Pearlman the man who brought us Backstreet Boys and NSYNC.  Oh and he was also know to try to initiate sex with his talent...maybe Tom Cruise isn't gay but his anus is.

Tom Cruise has been suffering a setback with his new movie Valkeryie.  The movie release date keeps getting pushed back and they keep refilming scenes.  When a movie's release date gets pushed back, it doesn't bode well.  I can't remember the actual date they are releasing it but I think it will be February 2009 and will have no competition.  I went to youtube and viewed the trailer.  This movie looks like crap.  My question to the film maker is why do the Germans have British accents?  I mean I am smart enough to realize there are more foreign accents in the world than just the British accent.  Come on, I have German family who have German accents when they speak English.  My next question is if all the other Germans have British accents, why does Tom Cruise speak in his normal American accent?  This movie makes my brain hurt.  Basically, I think anything that Jessica Simpson has starred in could be major competition for this trash.

Pete Wentz and Ashley Simpson got engaged this week.  Yeah, don't roll your eyes.  It's nice to see when two completely useless assholes fall in love.  Apparently her maid of honor isn't going to be her sister like everyone thinks, her maid of honor will be her flat iron and Pete's best man will be his black eyeliner.  COMPLETELY USELESS!

This week we have two guess the asses.  The first is for the ladies.  I think we could also change the game to guess the sack but we will leave it at ass.  Guess whose ass this is?  I'll give you two hints, he loves marijuana and his father was a contract killer for hire who killed a federal judge.  Give up...well if you said Woody Harrelson you are correct.

I really think Rachael Ray needs to cover up before I dump EVOO all over her "cleavage" and put them on the broiler.  Seriously I think I could park my Blazer in that spot.  Hmmm Rachael has said she enjoys chili dogs but anyway....I bet if she did fall out of her top it would reveal one of those Janet Jackson rings.  See Rachael is dirty like that.  You can tell how kinky a woman is by how she handles a pork tenderloin and well let's say Rachael is quite rough with one.

Paris has said in a myspace blog that she is in love with Benji Madden.  Well I guess it is great when the brainless and completely shallow people fall in love.  I think the reason she fell in love with him is because he is the first person to look at her naked and not say, "EEWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Is that normal?"  Oh, did anyone go to Chicago to try out for her show?  Apparently an online source said that there were only two types of people there: the bleached blonded overly tanned wannabe Paris type and the extremely over the top Fah-LAMING! gay guy.  Wow, I really can't wait for her show to hit MTV.

Earlier this week while Paris was in Africa, she was taking a tour of a small town and whenever the people showed her something, Paris would ask the price for every single item.  Here we see her inspecting a giant pussy that she wanted to buy, most likely that is a cheetah and yes she wanted to buy it.  She asked if it would hurt her and the trainer said yes it could kill a person and Paris replied, "That sucks."  Why do we let her leave America?

Pam Anderson can add reality star to her resume of porn star, magician's ho, B-movie actress, syndicated television star, cartoon character, and stripper.  Things are looking up!

The Olsen Twins are coming to steal your soul in the middle of the night.  Actually what happened was they were bridesmaids in the wedding of a childhood friend and they didn't want to be photographed.  Hmmm...now I know that when I don't want to be photographed I will don a Michael Myers mask and then be photographed.  How smart!

This is Natalie Portman with her new boyfriend.  Honestly this belongs on Hot Chicks with Douchbags, in fact if you go there they have a featured article.  How does a guy like that get a girl like Natalie Portman?  He must have used black magic, made death threats against her family in order to win her affection, or he has a penis that shoots gold coins.

Naomi Campbell has been officially banned from British Airways due to her actions last week which included her punching and kicking a police officer and also screaming obscentities at baggage claim workers all because she missed her bag.  I think she should start her own airline and call it Beat-a-Bitch Air.  The stewardesses would be the rejects from America's Next Top Models and in true Naomi fashion they could throw the bags of peanuts at the passengers.

Mischa Barton is celebrating her recent court decision.  See awhile ago she was arrested for DUI and possesion of marijuana.  Well this week was her court case.  She's not facing any jail time but will have three years of unsupervised probation, have to attend an alcohol education class and pay a $1700 fine.  It must be nice to have money and power even it only power that came from The OC.

Something tells me that Miley Cyrus' performances may not be appropriate for kids but delightful for perverts.  Has she ever heard of a tongue scraper?

Here we see Lionel Richie pointing out his daughter, Nicole's best features.  Yes, Lionel, I enjoy them too.

Lily Allen, blonde isn't a good color for everyone's hair.  I think you should back to your natural color because you as a blonde doesn't make me smile.

Why do people love Kim Kardashian?  It is a question for the ages.  I think it is because of her gigantic boobs and ass, and not her talents are winning personality.

Guess the ass...too easy...Kim Kardashian...sometime I expect to see stuff orbiting around that thing.

Adnan, Britney's ex, and Kathy Griffin have been getting rather chummy as of late.  Which is sadder? Adnan is trying to get with Kathy Griffin or that she is holding a Victoria's Secret bag.  After this picture was taken Victoria's Secret stock dropped to record lows.  That could be just because we are in a recession but I think it is because she shops there and investors are afraid of what the store will turn into.

There was this John Travolta news this week but I will take the high road and cover the other John Travolta news.  He took his daughter and 26 of her friends to see The Little Mermaid on Broadway.  Travolta said he loves that musical so much that he sang along with every single song.  Then after the show he took everyone backstage where he was reported to be in awe of all the costumes and he asked if he could try on every costume.  Apparently all his daughter's friends now say she has the creepy dad.  I have this strange feeling that he dresses up and performs as The Village People on the weekends.

Quick! Someone call Child Protective Services!  JLO wants Tom Cruise to be her children's godfather.  Apparently for their christening Tom Cruise bought the twins matching portals to other planets to escape Xenu's second coming to capture all the spirits on earth.

A great piece of Jessica Simpson news was revealed this week.  Apparently this is a still shot from one of her new performances.  Yes, it looks seedy because it is.  She strips via webcam for her boyfriend Tony Romo.  Apparently true love for Jessica Simpson means doing Pussycat Dolls(Female Empowerment! YAY!) routines in cyberspace.  I think I would pay $30 a month to see her dancing.

Oh, Jessica why did you have to ruin shaving for me?  Sometimes I think she is just so hot and then she does something like this and makes me think that she is man enough to be her boyfriend Tony Romo's backup quarterback.  She does look like she is just a few surgeries away from becoming fully female.

Jay-Z and Beyonce got married last weekend and to avoid speculation Jay-Z appeared out in public this week and before he entered the resturant he took off his wedding ring.  Guy, isn't it difficult to go on blind dates while wearing your wedding ring?  Not that I would know.  I am thinking of buying a wedding band this summer to wear to the bars to see if it is easier to pick up women.

Hugh Hefner turned 82 this week.  They must love him for the money or else his never ending supply of Viagra.

Heather Mills did a photo shoot for a British magazine this week.  Yes, there isn't another copy to this picture without a censored sticker.  I think that is there for dramatic effect.  What really got me think is how I have read Penthouse Letters and from time to time they have letters about people having sex with amputees.  I am begining to understand all those letters and realize that she is the amputee in all of them.

Hillary Clinton was photographed this week studying her chances of becoming the next President.

This is Eva Herzigova.  She is famous for being married to the drummer of Bon Jovi, whose name I don't know, and now she is famous for this. See I was going to go on a rant about how Bon Jovi isn't famous blah blah blah MILK CANNONS PREPARE FOR FIRE!

Eminem announced that he is making his comeback soon.  His first performance of the comeback spectacular? Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday party.  Nothing says, "Apartheid Freedom Fighter" better than hearing "My Name Is" and "Without Me".  I am hoping Mandela takes the stage with E and they perform a duet of "Ebony and Ivory".

Courtney Love was photographed with many of her good friends.  If that is what she carries in her purse, her house must look like a freakin' Walgreen's.  I doubt roofies have any effect on her.  In fact if Courtney Love was a superhero her superpower would be resistance to date rape.

This is the normal position that Clay Aiken assumes whenever he hears Barry Manilow playing in the background.  You do not want to see what he is trying to put in his mouth.

Carrie Underwood had a bad week.  Her boyfriend broke up with her at the taping of the American Idol Gives Back Concert.  Yes, he didn't have to balls to break up with her in person so he did it through a text message.  Seeing I don't have the balls to ask girls out maybe I should tell her I am single through text message.

Brooke Burke, I bet it didn't take you that long to pick out that coffee but why haven't you picked out a name for your child almost 11 months after birth???  Apparently coffee is more important than a child's name.

Bret Michaels of Rock of Love and the county fair touring 80s band Poison finally took off the bandana this week.  God, he looks just like Charlize Theron in Monster.  I am now feeling horrible for being a man...that movie scarred me.

In other Ashlee Simpson news, her music camp has been accused of leaking Mariah Carey's music online early trying to eliminate competition and have Ashlee sell more albums.  In the land of fairy godmothers and lollipop forests maybe her music will sell but not on planet Earth.

Angelique from Rock of Love 2 with Bret Michaels is auctioning herself on ebay.  For $2500 a bidder can go on a "date" with Angelique.  Does anyone have $2500 I can borrow...who am I kidding?  Why do you have to pay that much when all you really need to spend to make it a good night is $20?

This is Angel Melaku.  She is a model.  She is only famous for two things.  She has an ass that beats Kim Kardashian's ass and her ass defies the laws of gravity.  Wow!

This is Alexis Arquette.  Why does she look so mannish?  Oh yeah she was born this week back in 1969 and was named Robert Arquette.  Now she looks like a Seinfeld impersonator.  What is the deal with the breasts?  They don't rest.  Yeah that is bad...almost as bad as this next story....

Remember earlier this week I made a promise that I would have a surprise...well here is your surprise...normally I end every week with Britney Spears news.  Here is the surprise...NO BRITNEY NEWS!  Ok, well I have to get some rest and then tomorrow I will write about the Cloud Cult show.