You are probably wondering why I didn't make any entries this week.  Well it has been a hellish week on my family.  One day my dad comes home from work in horrible pain and can hardly move.  He goes to the doctor and all the tests are inconclusive.  Today he went back to the doctors and they ran tests on him from about 10 until 2 and all they could come up with is that his kidneys aren't functioning properly.  Also this week my mom woke up early one morning and then came downstairs and said her heart was racing so she went to the hospital and was admitted and they did a variety of tests and all they could come up with is that with all the medicine she is on it will sometimes do that to her heart and if it happens she should just rest.  Then that brings me to myself.  I was sitting and relaxing on my throne reading the new Maxim and I felt a strange sensation.  I got up and examined a toilet bowl full of blood.  After I woke up from fainting, I quick cleaned up and flushed.  Yeah I didn't go to the hospital because I was scared.  Well the same thing happened the next day so then I went in.  They think I probably have a bleeding ulcer.  I have been so weak lately and that is probably why.  I have just stayed under blankets and tried to stay warm.  Anyway I did keep up with the celebrity news this week because well it's what I do and I know you enjoy it.

This is Zoe Kravitz.  She is the daughter of Lenny Kravitz and Lisa Bonet.  So maybe she isn't famous and she only has four entries on her imdb page but give me a break her nipples are showing.

In an interview this week Tori Spelling said that she is an icon for the gay community not because she is gay but because apparently gays love her.  Maybe she was referring to gay horses.  Tom Cruise could not be reached for comments as to whether or not Tori is an icon to him. 

This week all that has been on the major news networks is the talk of the polygamy camps in Texas and Arizona.  It is sort of getting boring to me and then I saw this woman interviewed.  I am no longer thinking those guys are lucky to have more than one wife. 

Another week of Guess the Ass.  I should be asking Guess the Diet of the Celebrity.  Well it is Sophie Monk a singer, actress, and part-time model.  She got that beautiful ass on her fabulous diet.  Yes the diet of cigarettes and caffeine and breast implants and collagen lip injections...ahhh natural beauty!

Siena Miller seems to have lost her shirt.  You know with all the money she has raked in from all the movies she has starred in, you would think that she would have money to afford some curtains or say, a room in which she can change without the public seeing her naked breasts...not that I am complaining only just saying.

This is Rumer Willis, the daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore.  She is 18 years old.  Ashton Kutcher is her step-father.  Yeah that is hard to grasp.  Anyway for some reason Demi had her husband Ashton sit down all her children and give them the sex talk.  Yeah I am not getting this nor am I making it up.  Anyway one of Rumer's sisters said that Rumer is no longer a virgin.  Ashton didn't know what to say and left the room.  All I can say is thank god for maids and assistants who love to dish these stories out for public consumption.  I look at Rumer and then I look at my penis and realize my penis would never forgive me for such an act.

Guess the Ass part deux....Can you guess the ass of this heavily tattooed probably lesbian pop singer who just divorced her heavily tattooed BMX rider husband?  If you said Pink, well then you like celebrity asses as much as I do.

In a radio interview this week, Paris Hilton said she hated big asses like Kim Kardashian's and she went on to say that Kim's ass reminds her of "cottage cheese inside of a big trash bag."  Who knew Paris could be so articulate?  But if anyone would know about trash it is Paris Hilton.

In the same interview Paris went on to say that she hates big breasts like Jessica Simpson's and thinks they are gross.  I guess that explains this, huh?  Even though it is Paris Hilton, I still want to hit Joe Francis.

This is Nicole Narain and this is the first time she has appeared nude since her sextape with Colin Farrell.

Here's a little something for the ladies and get your minds out of the gutter with that little comment.  This is Michael Caine and after his career, he has earned the right to adjust himself in public.  I sometimes wish I was that famous and I could just readjust in public and not end up getting slapped.  Nuns can sometimes be bitchy.

Mary Kate Olsen found yet another way to completely erase any ounce of sex appeal she has left.

A sex tape featuring Marilyn Monroe and an unidentified male was sold for $1 million this week to a private and anonymous collector who will not release the tape publicly.  The funny thing with this tape is that it was used by the FBI.  J. Edgar Hoover tried to prove that the male receiving some quality head in the tape was JFK.  His face was never shown and knowing Hoover's panache for dressing in women's clothing I think the way he wanted to find out was to seduce JFK and compare.  Oh and people think politicians are corrupt in this day and age!

This is Lori Loughlin.  If you don't know who she is, you never saw the sitcom Full House.  She played Becky, Uncle Jesse's girlfriend and then wife on the series.  It has been 13 years since Full House stopped production however she is still a MILF.

Michael Lohan informed the "world" this week that his daughter Lindsay is set to become a missionary and go to India to bring them the message of Christ or at least give them a lot of money and probably STDs.  Yeah, this is just what the Christian church needs right now.

It was also reported that this week Lindsay moved in with her "special friend" Samantha Ronson.  Apparently Samantha is a good influence on Lindsay's life and she has kept Lindsay out of trouble.  Of course it is hard to snort cocaine when your mouth is full of vag.

You know Lily Allen's new blonde hair is starting to grow on me.  She looks like some sort of 80s disco queen and it really brings out the white in her skin or maybe that is because she is British.  Either way I say congrats to Lily for also becoming the number one female talk show host in the UK.  Well if only people knew the workings of British television, then they would realize that is no easy feat.  See most shows don't last more than one season and her show has been picked up for a second season thus making her the number one female talk show host.  Oh and I didn't make a Smile joke.

Kim Kardashian did some poses for a new line of lingerie that she is endorsing.  I don't know why but looking at this shot I am reminded of the Bible story of the great whore of Babylon and now believe the end is nigh, and when the end comes it will do so in a shower of bras, lingerie, breast implants, sextapes, and herpes...oh you can't forget the herpes....Give me a break, while I was in the hospital I listened to the televangelist that John McCain is good friends with, John Hagee.  You need to look up some of the crap he says, it so makes Obama's pastor look tame.

Seriously, if I was Kim Kardashian, I would be feeling myself up as well.

The biggest rumor this week was that Katie Holmes is trying to take Suri and separate from Tom Cruise.  All is not well in the house of Scientology.  I guess when you take $3million to be a fake wife then there has to be certain expectations like no more free will, hopes or dreams.  Katie, we are both the same age and well I'm single and you are married to a lunatic douchebag...call me up.

This is Katherine Heigl on the way to her new job as the new spokesperson of Clearasil.

HAHAHAHA Look at Jude Law and his lack of hair!  His hairline is retreating faster than Hamilcar in the Battle of Cape Ecnomus.  Yes, I went there!  That is for those people that don't think I am educated because I follow the lives of celebrities.

Wow, two former Full House stars in one blog...the planets are aligning....Wow, Jodie Sweeten!  It seems like only yesterday you were driving the family car through the kitchen wall...oh wait, it was yesterday in a rerun.  Anyway she gave birth to a baby girl this week.  She named her Zoie(yes that is the spelling).  I think Jodie should have named her daughter Duck-Face, but then I really love Full House and that is probably why I am single.  Sorry, she looks so hot.

One of Jessica Simpson's handlers spilled the beans as to why she was in the hospital a couple of weeks ago.  She describe it in two words: Booze and Sex.  Apparently she is trying to impress Tony Romo and his friends by trying to keep up with them and their drinking.  Of course she doesn't realize that Tony and his friends are from Wisconsin and most of these guys weigh twice what she does.  No one has ever accused her of being smart.  She was also worried that she might be pregnant and was worried that her partying might affect the baby but thankfully she isn't the Simpson sister that is pregnant.  more on that later.

Let's play Guess the Ass Crack.  It's Jessica Biel.  When I imagine her naked it is similar to this except she is naked, doesn't have that stupid hat, nor does it feature a dog.  See people this is why I am a hard-hitting journalist.

Jenna Jameson was on The View this week to promote her new masterpiece that she directed entitled Zombie Strippers.  She says this movie is a tome against the Bush administration.  You know here I always thought Jenna loved the bush but anyway you better look out Heidi Montag because Jenna may just be trying to wrest away that title of "America's Feminist Hero" you proclaimed yourself to be.

After The View, Jenna was spotted in a restaurant eating the first clam in her life that wasn't bearded.

Heidi Montag, "America's Feminist Hero", unveiled her new clothing line this week.  This is what she wore to the premiere.  I think all that is missing is a stripper pole and oh what is that word....oh yeah...CLASS!

After her fashion show Heidi was reunited with her long lost sister.

Hayden Panettiere was photographed on the set of her new movie this week.  All I have to say is Hayden, I love you.

Can you believe it but Gary Busey is now homeless.  He was evicted from his house because he owed $50,000 in back rent.  Hmm I could use a crazy roommate of course he wasn't as crazy as my neighbor whom I was convinced had murdered his wife and buried her in the room that was next to mine and then screamed at his one year old daughter.  Yeah that guy is crazier than Busey but anyway...could you imagine Gary Busey as a roommate?  I have some knives that need sharpening I really think those teeth could do the job...I smell a new reality series.

This is Emma Watson.  She is from the Harry Potter movie series.  She turned 18 this week and now has full access to her $20 million fortune from all the movies.  Hmmm...I could go for a sugar momma.

David Beckham proved this week that he is like most males and they enjoy bigger booties than that skin and bones stuff Posh Spice offers.

David Beckham's son Cruz, needs to get a red card for that.

Last week I posted about Angel Melaku and the photo never loaded.  Well this is her.  This is the ass that beats Kim Kardashian and defies the laws of gravity.

Brett Michaels picked her Rock of Love last Sunday night.  He picked Ambre...I hate that, I just want to type Amber to spite her.  Here is why this is a joke...besides their fake looking kiss and his fake hair...apparently the rumor going around is that they have already broken up and at the reunion show he talks about his next reality series and surprise it isn't Rock of Love 3 but a show following him around on the road touring the county fair tour but supposedly he announces that he is dating a contestant from the show that he kicked off.  Oh I love reality series, they are so meaningless.  How does a person find true love in a house full of women in a matter of weeks?  I'd love to be part of that experiment.

Avril Lavinge and her husband Derek Whibly were photographed having some fun this week.  I swear if I was forced to spend every day married to her I too would take advantage of rubbing her breasts in a public park.  

Amy Winehouse is the best babysitter ever.  Yes, that is vodka.  Jessica Simpson should take some tips from Amy.

This is Alina Kabaeva.  She is a Russian model and gymnast.  She also happens to be engaged to Vladimir Putin.  Why can't we get a first lady like this in America?

Last week it was reported that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz were engaged.  God, they look so awkward and the rumor about them probably explains the awkwardness.  Apparently Ashlee is pregnant.  There is no way these two have sex.  They probably sit in bed at night and draw hearts on each other's legs with black eyeliner and giggle about it.    If she is pregnant I am predicting that she gives birth to a tube of black eyeliner.

Now the reason that Ashlee and Pete haven't announced their pregnancy is that her father Joe is going around to all the news outlets trying to see who will pay $1 million for the exclusive inter view.  These people make me sick.

Just when you thought we were in for another Britney free week...Britney got into a three car accident this week.  She was tested to see if she was drunk or on any other substances.  Luckily she was sober.  I am really beginning to think that Californians need ejection seats in their cars so that when they see Britney driving on the road they can eject themselves to safety.

If there is a god then this next story will be true.  Apparently Britney has been keeping a video diary for the last 6 months which covers all her craziness and battles.  She is shopping it to networks for airing.  Please, Lord, please!

It has been announced this week that Britney is supposedly the new spokesperson for Bally's gym.  REALLY!  Jamie Lynn probably would have an easier time convincing me to wear condoms than Britney would telling me to exercise.  I am convinced that Britney couldn't even spell exercise.

Well I need to get some rest and get this cat off my shoulder.  Since I have been out of the hospital one of my cats has been paying extra attention to me and will not let me out of her site.  She like to sit on my shoulder while I type, I feel like some sort of pirate.  Anyway it's time for bed.