I haven't written anything the past few days and I probably have had good reasons.  I guess it all started Friday night.  There is this guy from my church that I think idolizes me and you will get a kick out of this but he is half-retarded.  I don't know the politically correct way to put it but the guy is definitely off as they say.  Anyway he shows up at my house and starts hacking up a lung.  I can hear something is wrong with him and I can hear his labored breathing.  He is sitting in a chair across the living room and I can hear him wheezing.  I act pretty pissed and tell him he needs to go to the doctor.  Well he wants to go to a bar and I tell him he needs rest and he starts shaking his head.  I said something along the lines of that if there was a smoking ban in the bars around here then maybe I would go with him that night but I thought it would be prudent for him to go home and get some rest.  Well he left and continued hacking and wheezing. 
He came back to my house Saturday afternoon and was hacking again.  Once again, I fervently urged him to go see a doctor.  He said, "No, I go home and rest." Yeah that is how he talks so this is what I am dealing with.  Saturday night I start coming down with something and I can't help but think it came from him.  I had a fever, ear ache, sinus headache and all that fun stuff.  I go to bed but after a little while I am awakened with pain in my ears so I took some Aleve and it knocked me out.  I woke up at 1PM and was in a daze.  I showered and cleaned up so that I could be presentable and then the creepiness began.
My stalker shows up at my house and knocks.  Normally if I leave my door unlocked he just walks in and says, "It me!"  Say what you will about leaving my door unlocked but I live in a town of about 1200 people so I just feel safe.  When I lived in the suburbs of Minneapolis, I left my door unlocked at night but I slept with a handgun next to my bed.  Anyway Sunday I had my door locked.  He tries opening it and then I hear him utter some obscenities.  Well I was on my couch so there was no way he could see me.  After about 3 sets of knocking he left my back porch.  I looked out the window slyly so he would not be able to see me.  He sat in his truck at the bottom of my driveway for about 30 minutes. I then took off.
I went to the Movie Gallery to receive a free rental(Sweeney Todd-5 days-total price 25 cents for disc insurance).  On the way home I looked at my cellphone and the stalker called, not just once but 5 times in a 10 minute period.  I then came home and got some snack foods for a get together at my church.  Of course my half-retarded stalker was there and so was that other retarded girl that follows me around everywhere in that church.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!  Why must they follow me.
Anyway the guy comes up to me and says, "I come your house and then come back Blazer gone." 
I said my best lie, "Yeah my mom dropped me off after a baby shower that I was invited to and then I had to go do some shopping."
He replied, "I make pizza, beer in fridge" 
I didn't eat anything at the function because he was standing behind the service counter and would hack into his hands and then immediately reach into the food without washing or using a utensil.  It was so disgusting.  Maybe I am a germaphobe but I think that is wrong. 
He left early and I was hoping I wouldn't see him for some time because of how sick he was.  The pastor and his wife who has been a nurse 20 years both agreed he needed to see a doctor.  My mom who has been a nurse for 35 years said he needed to see a doctor.  So guess...did he see a doctor...NO!  Captain Cleanliness shows up at my house Monday night, hack and wheezing and I went nuts and told him off.  I am really concerned about his health and I told him I speak from experience because I had pneumonia and went through what he is going through.  I told him over and over because it wasn't getting through his potato head.  To make matters worse, while I was telling him all this stuff, he was sitting there laughing.  That pushed me over the edge and I said, "I'm done." He pulled out a can of Dr. Pepper from his coat and said, "I good, I see doctor pepper."
He got up and left and then I proceeded to spray disinfectant all over the bottom floor.  I was at my wits end so I ended up calling his legal guardian and told her all the stuff he is pulling with the coughing and wheezing and she said she would make him spend Tuesday at home and take the day off of work and go to the doctor.  So was it resolved...NO!
I went out to the grocery store where he works to pick up some supplies for an after school program at the church.  Well I saw him but I was sneaky and went to the other side of the store to get my supplies.  Oh by the way this economy sucks and this small town grocery store isn't carrying much fresh produce because of shipping prices.  I went to the 7 items or less counter and then I hear, "HIIIIIII MAAAAAATTTTT!!!!"  I just shuddered.  He comes walking up to me and starts hacking without covering his mouth of course.  He starts saying all sorts of stuff and sees what I am buying.  For some reason he knows my schedule and says, "I hope you not give kids mar-ritas."
I replied, "No," and looked at the counter. 
He said, "I see you later."
I thought with any help from a god above it won't be tonight.  I went to church and sat there and no one showed up.  Great!  Anyway I decided to go see the doctor about my ears and sinuses so I can get some medicine.  Well my blood pressure was high and now I have to take that.  I told her all this shit that has been going on and she was concerned with how that is raising my pressure.  They had to take blood samples and let me say this now, I am a little wuss-boy when it comes to my blood.  One time I had a cyst removed and I saw the bloody gauzes they used during the procedure and I fainted.  Yes, I, dear readers, this perfect specimen of masculinity fainted at the site of his own blood.  Anyway I had to hold my arm out and look the other direction and then have a chair to white knuckle while they drew the blood.  The first attempt was at the normal place.  The lab worker tied me off and started slapping my veins but none of them came to surface.  Then she said how she had to try my hand and tie me off at the wrist.  I said, "Hurry." 
She got a vein and drew the blood.  It was an ordeal.  I was gripping the chair for all it was worth and making faces.  A doctor passed by and saw the look on my face and he asked if everything was alright and I said how blood makes me squeamish and how I would faint if I saw the blood.  Well he laughed and then the lab worker took my blood.  Well I went home after waiting about 15 minutes because the nurse didn't realize I was still there.  I was ready to smack somebody.  I get home and lock the door and draw all the shades.  The stalker didn't come by so all is good.  I got a phone call from the doctor and she said that all my blood tests came back perfect.  I then went to church and got my supplies and then relaxed at home but it was short lived with the butcher job on American Idol.  Why can't they leave Neil Diamond alone?

It worked on Pennsylvania.