Ok, so this spring has not been that healthy for me. I developed a
small cold around the end of April and I went to see a doctor because I
was having fevers and chills. They discovered I had a significant rise
in my blood pressure as well as my cold.
They put me on antibiotics and blood pressure meds. Well the doctor
didn't quite foresee the problem that the blood pressure meds would
totally counteract any work the antibiotics would do for me. See I have
allergies to medicines and have to be very careful with what I take.
Well of course I thought that the antibiotics were just taking longer
to work than the blood pressure medicine. So once the antibiotics ran
out I was still coughing and it got worse. Of course I didn't want to
go back to the doctor because I hate going to clinics and hospitals,
it's like a phobia for me. They actually have a syndrome that appears
in my medical file that says I have White Coat Syndrome which means I
am fearful of being in the hospital or around doctors. Anyway I didn't
go and thought I could get myself better.
I started using my nebulizer from my last bout with pneumonia. That
would give me temporary relief and would help me function for a few
hours at a time. Then my cough took a turn and I started bringing up
all sorts of phlegm and garbage out of my lungs. I couldn't lay down to
sleep because you could feel it moving in my lungs and soon I would
feel like I was drowning. The coughing also effected my eating in that
it would trigger my gag reflex and that would make me bring up anything
I ate. I thought that was bad enough but over Memorial Day weekend I
got absolutely no sleep because my coughing would not stop.
Well I went to the doctor on Tuesday and the first thing she said to me
was, "You look like hell." I had black rings around my eyes and my skin
was as pale as when a goth kid gets all painted up. She had me go have
my lungs x-rayed. They x-rays came back and she showed me all the
infection and phlegm and said that I was near pneumonia and she didn't
think oral medicine would treat me fast enough so she admitted me to
the hospital.
I went down to my room and when I got inside there were people waiting
for me. They wanted to do me physical harm. The first group put in my
IV and then the other group took blood and more blood and even more
blood. I then tried to lay down but the bed was not suitable for my
height. Yes, I know what some of you are thinking but it was my height.
If I wanted my feet to be on the bed my head would have to hang over
the edge and of course if I wanted my head on the bed my feet would
hang over. So they had to get me a different bed. See the hospital only
had one maintenance man on duty to move a bed so it took about 4 hours
to get. I had to sit up that whole time and feel miserable.
They had me on an IV to rehydrate me and then they also put me on 3
different types of steroids and another stronger antibiotic and
breathing treatment every 4 hours. Well after a few doses I felt
better. Then the blood tests came back. The doctor told me that I am
anemic and would have to take more tests. Well after getting a few
hours of sleep I was awoken at 6am by a lab technician saying I needed
to give more blood. I looked outside to see the sun was not up and
said, "Oh you need to get back to the lab with my blood before the sun
comes up and it burns your skin." The lab tech wasn't amused. Anyway
she couldn't get any blood. She must have poked me 8 times with no
results so she went to get her supervisor. Well he came in and poked me
3 or 4 times and got an adequate supply. Then they let me be.
The doctor came in with the lab results and now said my blood sugar
shot up 200 points. Yeah 200 points in just a few hours and it wasn't
like I at a gallon of Ben and Jerry's. It was because of all the
steroids. So now I have to worry about watching that. Well I took my
anemia sample and that came back negative so the doctor informed me
that I would have to take two more tests just to make sure I wasn't
bleeding somewhere inside. Well I did take those tests and both were
negative.
So Thursday was my discharge and at the time they couldn't get my
papers correct and then going through my medicines that I would be on
there were errors so we had to wait longer. You know the 'roid rage
started because I was getting so impatient and felt it boiling inside
me. Then they came back and let me go. Freedom.
I got my medicine at the pharmacy and had to write out a schedule of
what time I take which medicine and how much I have to take because the
new steroid I am on is a tapered dose, today and tomorrow I take three
pills, then the next three days 2 and 1/2 pills, then every three days
it goes down a half a pill until I only take one a day.
Well it is about time for my breathing treatment so I better go take
care of that. I will add some pictures I took of the hospital and
facilities later. Thanks to all who messaged me while I was gone.

I will also try to get a Celebrity Round Up out as soon I read up on what took place in celebrity news this week.

I didn't do my normal celebrity round up yesterday because of my illness.  I just didn't get around to it yesterday.  I was on a schedule for medicines and breathing treatments and I didn't have the time to write about celebrity shortcomings.  Today, I was feeling halfway decent and did some medicine and breathing treatments and then I had a family obligation.  I still feel just ok not 100% but then I don't remember the last time I felt like a 100%.  Anyway, it's time to look at celebrities.

The preview for the new hit(std-fest) VH-1 reality show, I Love Money, is now on the VH-1 website.  I couldn't embed the video to place on here so I will send you via link to that site.  Enjoy, this looks like it will be the best thing ever.

This is Whitney Port.  She is the only cast member of The Hills not to have implants.  She is also referred to as the boring one but after seeing this photo my mind has started to change.

My favorite game...Guess the Ass!  That ass isn't (pulp) fiction, it's all real and so real it could Kill Bill.  OK, those clues were lame.  It's Uma Thurman.

Spencer Pratt found himself in trouble at a restaurant and bar this week.  He only tipped 2% on a $400 bill.  The producers of The Hills had to step in and fork over more money to make it an acceptable tip.  I guess that is how Spencer plans on becoming a trillionaire as he once bragged about.  Also I think he is saving money for Heidi to get bigger implants so that in ten years she will be able to charge more for a lap dance than the average stripper.  They were photographed at an L.A. Dodgers baseball game.  Sometimes you just have to pray for a foul ball.

Sharon Stone was at Cannes this week.  Unlike many other female celebrities she wasn't showing off her cans but she decided to flash her Basic Instinct. 

Sharon Osbourne has been announced as the new host of the next edition of Charm School on VH-1.  The show will be Rock of Love: Charm School.  Sharon is such a lady and she is cheap so basically VH-1 is a pimp.  They are cranking out some high class shows here and I am excited.  Go to this site to keep updated on Rock of Love: Charm School.  They used to have a tentative cast but they took it down.  Regardless this sounds great.

Paris Hilton, here we see her pretty much summing up the word vanity.  Paris is already planning her wedding with Benji Madden because she says he is different from any guy she has ever dated.  Hmmm...he must not videotape her when they have sex.

I still am trying to figure out what the fuss about these two turning legal was, the one of the left is the epitomy of the word nasty.  Anyway a story surfaced this week that the Olsen Twins were being drugged...with whole fat milk.  Apparently a barista at a Starbucks in New York City thought they were too skinny and when they ordered anything with skim milk he replaced it with whole milk.  That same barista probably also worked at the LA Starbucks that Britney Spears frequents and replaced all her skim milk with crystal meth.

Nick Hogan is not having a good time in jail according to his friends.  He is in a cell by himself and is in an isolation wing of the jail because of threats against his life and his rectum.  I guess that is good otherwise his ass would be pretty raw by now.  His friends also claim that when they talk to Nick, he can't form complete sentences.  You know who else can't form complete sentences?  The guy whom Nick turned into a vegetable.  This week TMZ acquired some tapes of Nick talking to his mother and father.  The tape of Nick talking to his mother, he is in tears and talking about how hard things are and then when he talks to the Hulkster, all Nick is worried about is a new reality and the Hulkster also blames John Graziano for what Nick did to him.  Disgusting.  Listen to his talk with Linda here...then you can listen to Nick talk with the Hulkster here.

Nick Cannon has already been put on a short leash with his new wife Mariah Carey.  He was at the club with Diddy one night this week and Mariah summoned him to come home.  He didn't at first and she kept beckoning him to come home.  So he did.  No word on what he had to do was released but I think he had to either fluff her pillows, wipe her ass, or turn the volume down on the tv in their bedroom.  Guess so far it is a healthy marriage.

Natalie Portman sure is purty.  She turns my brain to mush when she gets all gussied up.  Hmmm she also has to like so classy movies because she is a judge at the Cannes Film Fest.  Hopefully we will see some more of her in the coming weeks.

Mike Tyson was also seen at the Cannes Film Fest this week trying to find a distributor for a documentary chronicling his career.  He was also declaring himself to be an undefeated champ with 256 wins and 0 losses against whole pizzas.

These Got Milk ads must end.  Here is a new ad featuring Martha Stewart.  She looks like a prison bukkake.  What is next, Paris Hilton's face filled with cream?  Who drinks milk straight up anymore?  The thought of it repulses me.  I don't know why but it does, much in the same way the thought of eating chicken and eggs repulses me.

Madonna was seen sporting a see through top at Cannes this week.  Remember the days when Madonna got naked or wore a see through and it was hot?  Now she looks like an American Gladiator and I'm not talking about the women on that show.

Lindsay Lohan is totally a lesbian.  If not they are really close.  I guess if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck and shoves her tongue down another girl's throat then she is a lesbian.  Maybe she is not a lesbian but just a whore, an attention seeking whore.  

Lindsay Lohan was eating lunch at an outdoor eatery in LA this week and some fans came running up to her yelling, "Courtney! Courtney!"  They mistook Lindsay for Courtney Love.  Lindsay was upset but cordial.  I think the fans knew it was Lindsay but just wanted her to flip out so they could sue her ass much like the next story.

Lindsay is being sued for mental injuries suffered due to the fact that Lindsay stole that mink coat.  She is being sued for $10,000 even though the coat is worth $11,000 and Lindsay already gave it back.  I am sure this case will be settled out of court.  Lindsay will probably do a couple lines with the other girl and then they will 69 to erase all mental suffering.

Lily Allen is still partying at Cannes and she is such a lady.  That landing strip...debonaire!

Lily Allen is still on vacation so that means she is topless.  You know she is very attractive and she is also built like a linebacker...yummy.

Another round of Guess the Ass!  I should start writing but I can't help but to stare at this wannabe sex-ed teacher's ass.  This is Kristen Bell, who a few weeks ago was reported to have taught girls at a summer camp how to perform oral sex when they were 13.

Justin Timberlake is supposedly engaged to Jessica Biel.  WHY?  He has thousands of chicks trying to get in his pants on a nightly basis.  When I get rich and famous I will settle for just two chicks...Brazillian and Swedish.

The supposed reason why Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake are getting married is because she is pregnant.  WTF!  I am about to lose it!  First, all my friends got married and now all my fantasies are getting married.

Juliette Lewis was at Cannes this week.  You know she worships aliens, bathes in barley water, howls at Mars...the things that Scientology does to a person...hell, I'd still date her.

Jude Law was seen kissing Kimberly Stewart this week and she was seen doing something else to him.  Hmmm, his zipper must have been down and she is helping him get it zipped back up.  Her dad, ROD(HAHAHAHAHA), must be so proud.  His name is ROD...HAHAHAHAHA

Joss Stone is trying to break into acting.  What better way to break into the business than a lesbain make out scene.  The movie is called Snappers...no not Bean Snappers to all my Eastern Wisconsin fans.  I should really go to IMDB to find out more about this movie but to be honest all I care about is the lesbian makeout.

Jennifer Anniston was asked by her friends why she is so happy.  She says she enjoys John Mayer so much and he is unlike any guy she has ever been with.  Now the why...she says he is hung.  Hmmm, that is great.  Some people have to suffer from being Irish.  He doesn't suffer from my affliction that the ladies dig...a double jointed tongue.

Speaking of tongue action.  Jodie Foster has been bumping oysters with another woman other than her14 year life partner.  Jodie and her partner have split and Jodie will live in one of her houses and her former life partner will live in another one of Jodie's LA houses.  Wow, true romance is dead.  Another thing shocking about this is the fact that there is such a thing as a lesbian homewrecker.  That is the lesbian homewrecker on the right.  I never knew lesbian homewreckers existed, I thought they were just part of urban legends.

Here's a public health reminder for all my female readers.  Examine your breasts for  cancer, but unlike Jessica Simpson don't do it in public.

Rumors are flying that Jessica Alba and her boyfriend Cash Warren got married this week.  Man that guy dated her, then cheated on her, then somehow won her back, then he got her pregnant, and now they are married.  That guy should play the lottery because that is more than luck.  This is an old photograph because Jessica doesn't like being photographed these days because she says she is too huge and last week we saw her reaction to having her photo taken.

George Takei, of Star Trek fame, is marrying his boyfriend Brad Altman.  George was interviewed this week and he said how being gay was similar to being in a Japanese internment camp during World War 2.  He was an American but he still wasn't accepted as a citizen.  Ok enough seriousness, I wonder if his boyfriend says, "Come aboard, Mr. Sulu." or "Photon Phasers ready to blast."

Ellen Degneres had John McCain as a guest this week and if I had one word to sum it up that word would be awkward.  She asked him what he thought about gay marriage and he said that he disagrees with her and then she went off and said how we are all the same people and it wasn't fair that we let some marry and others can't be married.  Well Ellen we aren't all the same people.  Paris Hilton isn't people, she's a filthy whore.  McCain did wish Ellen good luck with her pending marriage.  Ellen then asked him to walk her down the aisle.  All McCain did was laugh.  Good answer.

Elizabeth Hurley was photographed at the Asian Woman of the Year award show in London this past week.  Shockingly, she didn't win.

Here we see once again David Beckham checking out an LA Laker cheerleader thus proving he doesn't like Posh Spice's bony ass.  Here's something to think of over Memorial Day weekend.  The right to scope cheerleader ass was originally in the Bill of Rights until James Madison wanted it replaced with that Freedom of Speech bullshit.

Dave Navarro is dating Daisy from Rock of Love 2.  At least he is an upgrade from Brett Michaels but that isn't saying much.  I pretty much guarantee that if you were in an 80s rock band she will suck you off.  That reminds me, I need to get to work on my Stryper tribute band.

Here's a little something for the ladies.  Clint Eastwood is on vacation so that means he is topless.  He was at Cannes this week and he said he will no longer be playing Dirty Harry.  He didn't give a reason but I know why he wouldn't reprise that role.  Filming may interrupt his napping schedule.

I seriously think Carrot Top needs to be tested for steroid abuse.  That guy is just waiting to explode.  This is a shot of Carrot Top at a recent award show.  He found it appropriate to wear a tank top and blue jeans to an award ceremony.  OK, I'll back off, it ws the Country Music Awards afterall.

Cameron Diaz has been seen completely bald on the set of her new movie, My Sister's Keeper.  The movie is about two sisters who are extremely close and then one day Cameron's sister goes to LA and loses her job to a Jewish actress and Cameron snaps.  Her sister is heartbroken and goes into a catatonic state because the role leads to the Jewish actress winning award after award.  Cameron joins a white supremacist group and reeks vengence on the Zionist junta that controls Hollywood.  Actually, the movie is about a mother who shaves her head to support her daughter who has leukemia.  I like my idea better.

Like her brother, Brooke Hogan is losing her mind.  She is stressed out because of her parents' divorce and Nick's jailtime and her friends are saying she is actually losing her mind.  Not much to lose in my opinion.  Hlkster has noticed it as well and blames it on the hand that feeds him, reality TV.  You know what I blame her craziness on?  Steroids, fake tanner, hair bleach, and overall stupidity.  I wonder if her new reality show called Brooke Hogan Knows Best is still going to be aired now that she is supposedly crazy.  I hope because crzy characters are lovable and make for interesting plots.

Boy George was spotted selling t-shirts at a swap meet in London last weekend.  Wow, he sure has fallen.  I think he needs a new reality show.  It would have to be a gay dating show because he has been known to chain guys to radiators in his house and force sex on them.  I think it should be called Chains of Love or the best choice would be Tumble for Love with Boy George...please read this VH-1....PLEASE READ!!!!!!

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz got married last weekend.  At the reception they announced her pregnancy...how classy!  Supposedly his bulldog was the ring bearer and Jessica Simpson was the maid of honor.  What a lovely couple!  Pete and Ashlee are also honeymooning in her parents' basement.  No that is true because Pete called into a radio show and admitted to it.  Yeah, and they are also braiding each other's hair and doing each other's make-up...Ahhh love.
 
The bulldog's face says it all.

Amy Winehouse sure was shocked to get my flowers this week.

Hard to believe but this is Amy Winehouse from 2004.  Guess this is what happens when you do drugs by the boatload.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie can't seem to agree on what to call their twin daughters.  Angelina wants to name them Castor and Pollux.  Brad doesn't seem to like those names.  I think they will settle on Messiah 1 and Messiah 2 or maybe they will do a tribute to Flavor of Love and name them Thing 1 and Thing 2.

Angelina was also photographed showing her cans at Cannes this week.  She was caught changing on a balcony.  It's not like we haven't seen them before but I'm not complaining.  

Another round of Guess the Ass!  I love this one and I don't care what y'all say, I'd love to hit that ass one more time.  OK, it's Britney Spears.

Britney was on vacation, not in Cannes like everyone else, but in Costa Rica with Mel Gibson.  This photos fed the fire to the rumors that she is pregnant.  He friends and handlers say she is not pregnant but jsut that she has a problem with water retention.  I have another theory.  I blame beef jerky, butter burgers, cheese fries, Starbucks frapps, cheetos, and illicit sex with cabana boys in Costa Rica.  Yeah, another sex scandal involving Britney Spears.

Well there you go.  Tomorrow I hope to blog about my family obligations.  Right now it's time for some breathing treatments and some rest.

After lying about: her support over granting drivers licences to
illegal aliens; being confronted with sniper fire in Bosnia; and her
connection to campaign doner and fugitive Norman Hsu, from whom she had
accepted $850,000, this could finally be it...

After dividing the Democratic electorate by prolonging the Democratic
primary in an effort to unfairly steal the party's nomination from its
rightful candidate, employing her husband's calumnious ad hominem
attacks, and injecting racial issues into the campaign, the Democratic
Party's ironically high tolerance for the Clintons may finally be over.

From the New York Post:
May 24, 2008 --

WASHINGTON - Hillary
Rodham Clinton yesterday brought up the assassination of Robert F.
Kennedy while defending her decision to stay in the race against Barack Obama - drawing a furious reaction from the front-runner's camp.

"My husband did not wrap up the nomination in 1992 until he won the
California primary somewhere in the middle of June, right? We all
remember Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June in California. I don't
understand it," she said, dismissing calls to drop out.

Clinton made her comments at a meeting with the editorial board of
the Sioux Falls Argus Leader, a paper in South Dakota. She is
campaigning in the state ahead of its June 3 primary.

During the session, she complained, "People have been trying to push me out of this ever since Iowa."

The Post on its Web site yesterday published the first story
containing the extraordinary comments, based on a Web cast of Clinton's
interview.

Obama campaign spokesman Bill Burton rebuked Clinton, saying her remark was "unfortunate and has no place in this campaign."

Any comments about assassination and the primary contest are
especially sensitive because Obama is the first African-American to
advance so far in the race for the White House and he has faced
threats, congressional sources have said.

The Rev. Al Sharpton, who has already expressed anger toward
Clinton during the race, planned to spend his rally today at his
Harlem-based National Action Network addressing "a sense of outrage and
dismay at statements made by" the New York senator, according to his
office.

Secret Service protection was given to Obama earlier than it had
ever been authorized for a presidential candidate, and he always
travels with a heavy security detail.

Robert Kennedy, the younger brother of President John F. Kennedy,
was gunned down in 1968 after winning California's Democratic
presidential primary.

The New York senator had been a hero of the left for his civil-rights agenda and his calls to end the Vietnam War.

Clinton spokesman Mo Elleithee said Hillary was citing "historical
examples" of long primary races, and that "any reading into it beyond
that would be inaccurate and outrageous."

But by late yesterday afternoon, Clinton issued an apology that
mentioned the brain-cancer diagnosis this week of Ted Kennedy, RFK's
brother.

"The Kennedys have been much on my mind the last days because of
Senator [Ted] Kennedy and I regret that if my referencing that moment
of trauma for our entire nation, and particularly for the Kennedy
family, was in any way offensive. I certainly had no intention of that,
whatsoever.

"My view is that we have to look to the past and to our leaders who
have inspired us and give us a lot to live up to, and I'm honored to
hold Senator [Robert] Kennedy's seat in the United States Senate from
the state of New York and have the highest regard for the entire
Kennedy family," she added.

Robert Kennedy Jr., a Clinton supporter, said, "I've heard her make
this reference before . . . I understand that the atmosphere is
supercharged right now but I think it's a mistake for people to take
offense."

Clinton made a similar statement in a Time magazine interview in March.

Debra Kozikowski, an uncommitted superdelegate from Sen. Ted
Kennedy's home state of Massachusetts, fumed as she called the comment
"inappropriate," especially given what's happened with the Kennedy
family in the past week.

"She must need sleep, is all I can say," she told The Post. "I
can't think of any reason why anyone would say anything that
insensitive. And that apology was a non-apology."

Sen. Dick Durbin of Illinois, a close Obama ally, however, said he accepted Clinton's explanation.

"I know Hillary Clinton,
and the last thing in the world she'd ever want is to wish misfortune
on anybody. She and Barack are friends," Durbin said. "It was . . . a
careless remark and we'll leave it at that."

Yes, Bill, I think we are all getting tired of this shit. 

I miss Minneapolis.

So the tests came back and I don't have anything significantly wrong with me.  The spots around my lungs and in my lungs turned out to be a collection of mucus.  The doctor told me the reason I have been sick is probably because of all the allergins in the air, mixed with my asthma not improving, mixed with a cold, mixed with acid reflux.  Yeah, I have never had heart burn or felt the effects but she thinks the reason I am coughing up so bad after meals is because the acid in my stomach is forcing me to cough.  Sort of strange but it is believable.  I am now on a nebulizer every 4 hours and the strongest dose of inhaler twice a day plus I am taking one type of cough medicine 3 times a day and 1 type once a day.  The once a day cough medicine is stuff with codeine.  That stuff knocks me out.  I do feel like I am drunk most of the day but I think that feeling will pass.  The doctor didn't want to put me back on steroids or antibiotics because those mess up your blood pressure and I have had problems with that.  Actually the doctor was pleased in that my blood pressure went down 20 points on both readings.  So I guess today after a full day of medicine I feel half way decent except a drunk feeling.  I have only had 2 coughing spells as opposed to 15-20 in the previous days.  Oh well I thought maybe I would do some tattoo reviews.

This tattoo could have been so much cooler if it was the Excitebike guy.

At first I thought this was a Jawa from Star Wars and then I thought maybe it was the Sand Monster from Return of the Jedi but then I realized it was a dog....a poorly drawn dog.

When this guy shows up at a party he doesn't need bongos or a bag of coke to have fun, he just wears shorts and the party begins.

It'd be easier to tell what this tattoo was if it wasn't so hairy.  I thought it might be a stack of IHOP pancakes but I am probably wrong.

I think this is the funniest Chewbaca tattoo out of all the 3 million Chewbaca tattoos out there.  I think I could look at this tattoo every day for the rest of my life and still laugh each time.

Gee, look at that thing, of course it is freehand.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Get me some gauzes, STAT!  Oh wait, that isn't real...it looks SOOOOO lifelike!

I bet this guy gets a lot of hippy stoner chicks.

I'm a gambling man and I would be willing to wager that your daughter is proud that you had her image tattooed on your leg.

$1, I bid $1, Bob!!!!!  Actually you know that tattoo would probably look better right above the junk.

I had a few parties with Das Boot and it looked nothing like that and the parties with Das Boot were not tattoo worthy, but the White House gun club basement parties, now those might be tattoo worthy especially when I mixed 151 with fireworks and Boom Boom's extra large mug and BB guns and flames all in a drunken mix.  Oh I think there was also some Hackstein Ice involved there too but ohhhh I never thought I would bring up Hackstein Ice again...gross.

OK, I have a problem with that tattoo.  There is no way in hell that I would date a woman with an ALF tattoo.  I have high standards and ALF doesn't fit into those standards.

Oh it is cold again.  I thought that spring was here and that all the cold weather was gone but I guess like most things in life I am wrong.  My mom needed to go pick some medical supplies up at a pharmacy outside of town so I went with her and we went out for supper.  I had a gyro omelet.  It had lamb meat, feta cheese, and onions in the omelet and then I topped it with a cucumber and garlic sauce, your basic gyro sauce.  I was disappointed that the restaurant no longer served saganaki, a delightful Greek cheese that is topped with a rum and then lit on fire and then extinguished with lemon juice and then eaten with bread.  I love that stuff.  Anyway I am home now and tomorrow I am going to the hospital for some more tests on my lungs.  I guess I am not breathing right and still have this persistent cough.  I am worried once again.  I get scared because my grandfather was the same way and he went in, was diagnosed with lung cancer and never came home.  I think I am going to be in prayer tonight.

I need some motivation to do some more writing.

Hopefully she will see the writing on the wall tomorrow evening after the Oregon polls close.

The best motivation ever...does anyone want to help motivate me?

Just a few more months of Commander Cuckoo for Coconuts.

Lucky Pierre in the animal kingdom.

Ok, you're gross.

Well here's wishing me luck and being cancer free

I forgot to post this video this last week because of my depression from loneliness and illness.  It is hilarious.  My Czech is failing me at the moment but I believe the song is about a swamp monster named John.  Anyway this video proves that everything that Borat has to say about Eastern Europeans is pretty much accurate.  Keep an eye out for the two guys that make you wonder what the hell is going on.  Enjoy!

Oh man another week has passed.  I read on one of my subscribers blogs a few days ago a good description of how she felt and how that applies to me.  I feel like a Rod Stewart song, old and boring.  I would include slow, wheezy, and inappropriately sexual.  This month is National Orgasm Month.  Yeah, that should be a great thing but I am single so it looks like the other celebration this month is all I am allowed to celebrate, National Masturbation Month.  Sigh....well here is some celebrity foibles that I found funny and try to make funny.  By the way Dennis Rodman is severely depressed like myself because no one gave him any career suggestions last week.

The San Antonio Spurs have been facing off with the New Orleans Hornets in the NBA playoffs.  The series is tied 3 games a piece.  Well at the recent game in New Orleans a fan held up this cut out of Eva Longoria when Tony Parker went to the free throw line.  Tony missed both free throws.  Th fan was punished by security.  He had the cut out taken away and then he was escorted to a holding cell in the arena where he was forced to watch Eva's movie Over Her Dead Body.  That, my friends, is worse than Chinese water torture.

Suri Cruise is trying escape from Tom's evil clutches by choking her self with her fist.  Either that or she is trying to pull her alien body out of its human shell.

Tom has also been taking Suri to meetings with Disney's CEO so that they can see what a family man he is and that way he can do Disney movies.  I think Tom should just sell Suri to Disney now to make more money because in 12 years Tom will have to shell out a lot of money to pay for all her psychotherapy.

Shania Twain is splitting from her husband of 14 years, Mutt Lange.  I think that is the best woman a guy named Mutt could ever hope for.  Maybe now that he is single he could play up what Lange means in the German language.

I am sick of Sex and the City and I have only seen one preview.

Sarah Jessica Parker was the inspiration behind the Seinfeld episode with Man Hands.  I am so over Sex and the City.

This is Rachel Nichols.  She is playing Scarlet O'Hara in the new live action G.I. Joe movie.  I am excited for this movie in more ways than one.

Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham said this week that straight guys don't like her puny body and that she has strong gaydar and many gay friends.  Hmmmm....Tom Cruise and David Beckham....that explains a lot.

Nick Cannon was photographed this week shopping for his new wife, Mariah Carey.  Yes, he is at the Hello Kitty store.  Well I guess no one ever accused Mariah of being mentally stable.  OK, I will give her the benefit of a doubt because most every Hello Kitty toys doubles as a vibrator so I guess it is all good.

Natalie Portman makes my brain turn to mush when she gets all gussied up.  She is on the jury at Cannes this year so hopefully we will be able to see more of her in the upcoming weeks.

Miley Cyrus is a new spokesperson for milk...next...this is way too easy.

Megan Fox is the hottest woman in the world according to FHM magazine.  Here she is on the set of her next movie showing off her pasties and her landing strip.  Man, this movie looks swell too.

This is Samantha Ronson, Lindsay Lohan's special friend.  She was seen sporting a hickey this week.  Hmmm how are hickeys made?  By the mouth.  Who has mouths?  Scientologists.  Folks, these are not accusations but just facts.

Lily Allen is on vacation this week.  I guess "on vacation" is slang for walking around topless all over not that I am complaining.

Kristin Davis is very excited for a Sex and the City movie tie-in product, the Mr. Big Rabbit Vibrator.  Well, Kristin, close your mouth because that isn't where it...oh well nevermind.  Ladies, I guess that is for you.  An ex tells me that I should recommend the Rabbit for any other ladies out there.  Yeah, sort of emasculating but oh well.

Even though Kim Kardashian is having ass reduction procedures, she posted this picture on her myspace that displays two assets that have me coming back for more.

This is John Graziano.  He was Nick Hogan's passenger that was not able to walk away.  He has a softball size hole in his skull and frontal lobe.  This is the way John looks today and how he will look tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, basically forever.  The reason I am posting this is after reading Brooke Hogan's myspace blog in which she calls Nick's sentence of 8 months a miscarriage of justice.  Yeah, Nick gets jail for 8 months and probation for 3 years.  His friend has to stay like this the rest of his life.  Hmm...maybe Brooke is right, Nick got off too easy.

Here we see a drunken Jessica Simpson.  Why is she drunk?  Well the rumor mill is saying that Tony Romo split from her and was seen cavorting with another big breasted blonde.  He was also seen in the company of a multitude of women who were all fawning over him.  His friends say that Jessica and Tony are through.  So I guess Tony was out getting over Jessica like most men, by getting drunk.  Jessica on the other hand will be coping like most women on a break up: binge ice cream eating, sobbing, and questionable one night stands...I wonder how I get in touch with Jessica Simpson.

Jessica Alba doesn't like photographers either that or her pregnancy hormones are kicking in and she is grouchy.  I wonder if any of you have been flipped off by a pregnant woman.  I haven't...yet but I feel it is coming.  I did witness a pregnant lady flip a guy off behind his back but that is a long story.

This week's mystery ass is telling that old man to get a whiff of her boquet.  Guess the ass.  Hint...she is still with a douche bag guitarist...yes once again that is Jennifer Anniston.  I think she purposely poses like that to get on my blog.

When I first saw this picture I had to do a triple take.  At first I thought it was Anna Nicole Smith but she is dead.  Then I thought, it must be Britney Spears, but then I realized it is only Jamie Lynn Spears on her way to the club to drink away her pregnant grouchiness.

Now that The Hills is on hiatus how will Heidi Montag remain relevant?  Well according to an anonymous staffer, Heidi plans on having a fake pregnancy this summer by wearing loose clothing and even adding padding around her waist so that she will be photographed more due to the rumors of her pregnancy thus keeping her in the news.  Wow, she actually is somewhat clever.  Hmm her show is fake, her breasts are fake, all the orgasms she has are fake...she didn't think we would actually believe that Spencer could get her pregnant, I mean after reading his article last week about how to get women to do anal...no way Heidi, clever thought but not clever enough.

Finally all those Dex tabs I have left over from college will come in to good use because Dweezil Zappa is in works to bring Fraggle Rock to the big screen.  Oh yeah those Dex tabs are going to come in handy.

Fantasia was a former American Idol winner and she performed on the show this week.  She looks like Ronald McDonald's crackhead sister who got a shot of the devil in her and was then stuffed in a velvet jumpsuit to do manic chicken clucking on stage.  Look for her performance on youtube and you will see what I mean.  She actually did spice up a fairly bland show.  Oh and by spice I mean Lawry's Season Salt which is the color of her hair.

The California Supreme Court overturned the ban on gay marriage so Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi have decided to go ahead and get married.  They are registered at Crate and Barrel and probably Home Depot.  Now that women can marry each other, my penis is very threatened.

Here is a recent photo of Collin Farrell yes that is him currently on the left and what he looked like.  Apparently he is doing this for his new movie Triage.  I think he went on the Pete Doherty diet which consists of smoking crack and heroin and crystal meth and cigarettes.

Christina Aguilera and her husband got away from their baby for a little bit this week.  They look like crap.  Must be some late nights changing diapers and bottle feeding.  All I want to know is how does a guy like that get a woman like her.  I can't be for his money because she is rather rich.  It must have something to do with the reason why his nickname is Donkey Dick.

After her night out on the town it looks like Christina went to a mechanic and had her implants rotated.  All that make-up she is wearing...I think she is a creation by the Mayebelline corporation and that she is nothing but foundation, rogue, eyeshadow, breast powder, and lipstick.

A lot of people think Charlize Theron has overrated beauty.  I think it is because she is dumber than a pile of dog crap but please don't say she is overrated.  She looks magic in this photo or at least could pass for a magician's assistant.

Audrina Partridge, you ask what is she going to do now that The Hills is over?  Well she is set to star in the major motion picture Into the Blue 2.  People are saying this is the perfect role for Audrina mostly because she will be scantily clad throughout the whole movie.  You know what else is perfect for her?  Coloring books.

Bea Arthur turned 85 this week.  That is one hot feminist.

I think Bai Ling is just seeking attention when she flashes those super big nipples...it is working.

Pete Wentz revealed in a radio interview this week that their first date Ashlee Simpson lifted her dress over her head to flash him her snatch.  He said it was love at first sight.    I don't think that is the right wording because it makes it seem like Pete fell in love with the first vagina he ever saw or at least he should have said he knew she was a slut at first sight.  Oh well at least this next story is happening.

Pete and Ashlee are getting married in a top secret wedding on Saturday.  Remember it is totally top secret but Joe Simpson has invited certainmagazines for exclusive photos of the secret ceremony.  I have heard the rumor that the reception is being catered by Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles and that guests will each receive a tube of eyeliner and a flat iron.

Amy Winehouse was photographed running in a park this week.  No, there weren't any police chasing her.  Apparently she said she is trying to stay fit.  I think she is actually auditioning for the sequel to Nell.

Ladies and gentlemen, you are witnessing the birth of a super disease.  This picture of Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse kissing is going to be used by the DARE program to teach kids to say no to drugs otherwise this will happen to you.

Britney Spears was in another car accident this week.  I seriously wonder who in their right mind would let her drive anymore.  It seems like every time she gets behind the wheel of a car she has some sort of incident.  Anyway while at a red light she rear ended the car in front of her.  She probably dropped her cheetos and had to pick them up and when she bent over she probably hit the gas.  Cheetos are of the devil.

Thursday afternoon, Britney Spears was rumored to have been taken by plane with Mel Gibson to Costa Rica.  No one really knows why they are there.  One rumor is that Britney is pregnant again and the father is Mel Gibson and they flew off to Costa Rica to plan on how to raise their child as the new Messiah.  Actually I think Mel is probably helping her cope with this.

Britney's ex, Adnan, is shopping a sex tape in which Britney strips all her clothes and performs acts on Adnan all while wearing her pink wig.  This was at the height of her craziness when she and Adnan disappeared in Mexico for a couple weeks.  I hope this isn't true.  My penis is scared that if this tape exists he will never be erect again.  

This is my favorite Britney Spears photo ever.  It was taken last weekend.  I think the only way this photo could be more white trash is if she and Jamie Lynn were driving a NASCAR through Wal-Mart with jugs marked XXX rattling around in the back all the while shooting at possums.  That is my dream picture and if anyone will fulfill that dream it will be Britney.

I forgot to mention my stalker came back today.  I was driving home from going to look for some jalepeno plants at an Amish greenhouse and he was standing out in my backyard smoking a cigar.  I quick slammed on the brakes and threw my car in reverse and got the hell out of there.  It got me to go to a Mexican resturant down the road.  Excellent.  Anyway I hope my feelings of being a Rod Stewart song disipate.  I need to get my hair cut.  I look emo.  It is in my eyes.  Maybe I should start rocking the pompadour again.  No it is soon summer and less hair is better.  Anyway, I promise to write more this next week then I did this week.

Sorry for not writing much here.  I am sapped of energy and just haven't felt up to it.  I have to go back to the doctor tomorrow so I am scared.  This little news report has me even more scared.  I find it ironic that I had to find it on The Guardian.

One in four Americans read no books last year
AP
Wednesday August 22, 2007

A
quarter of US adults say they read no books at all in the past year,
according to an Associated Press-Ipsos poll. The typical person claimed
to have read four books in the last year and, excluding those who had
not read any books at all, the usual number of books read was seven.

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I didn't hear about this video until late last night.  It is a public service announcement for Burma featuring the Kardashians.  I seriously wanted to gouge out my eyes and stick sharpened pencils in my ears while listening to this piece of crap.  They come off of so insincere and that the whole plight of Burma is just a freaking joke. Thousands of people are displaced by the recent cyclone and the government is slowly letting aid come in because they do not trust foreigners and are skeptical of foreign aid.  90-95% of homes have been wiped out in certain regions of Burma.  Our response? Let's have Kim Kardashian act like a moron on tv to get people to donate money to relief.  What the fuck is wrong with our society, when she is doing humanitarian relief work?  I wonder if we should get Andrew Dice Clay to do some gay jokes to promote HIV research or maybe Carlos Mencia could speak about the dangers of plagiarism or even seek monetary donations for a fence to be built on the Mexican/United States border.  How about we get Michael Richards to speak about sending aid to Africa?   What the fuck!  Anyway here is the video.