03 | May | 2008 | godfatherofgreenbay's Xanga Site

It is May and today we had massive thunderstorms go through the area. I was returning a movie and on the way home I got caught in a deluge. It was horrible. I couldn't see the front of my car, but I managed to make it home. My stalker called my cell phone and I didn't answer and then he called my home phone and I didn't answer. Anyway you probably don't care about my life and you want to hear about celebrities.

Cher was trying to remain relevant this week in an interview. She talked about her days of dating Tom Cruise. She claims they could have had a great big romance if it weren't for the Scientology. I think there is something wrong about "great big romance". It needs the word gay in there. Great big gay romance...yeah that's the ticket.

You want the truth about The Hills? Well here it is. The Hills is a fake piece of trash. There.

Ahhhh Richie Sambora. Seems like only yesterday he was arrested for DUI with his daughter in the car. OK it was actually a couple of weeks ago. Anyway he is in the works to be the next star of Rock of Love 3. You know VH-1 shouldn't be giving him a show in which every scene features drinking, but he should get on Celebrity Rehab. I foresee contests on Rock of Love 3 including who can make the best hangover cure and who can drive Richie home while drunk without being pulled over. That being said, I'll probably watch.

Here's something I probably won't watch but it is going to be big news. Project Runway will be starting its fifth season on Bravo this July. This will be the last season on Bravo because Lifetime network bought the rights to the series. The sixth season will start on Lifetime network in November. The location is changing too. The Lifetime Network is bringing the series to LA. There probably will be more changes to come. What's next for changes? Oh, these aren't true but just my delusions, Tim Gunn being replaced by Carson Kressley and Heidi Klum being replaced by Heidi Montag. Either way the new Project Runway will suck.

Guess the ass....hint...this is what a ROYAL wedgie looks like...give up...it's Princess Beatrice of the British royal family. She is Fergie's daughter.

I hate this guy. That being said, Pete Wentz is being sued by a guy who claims that he was beaten up by Wentz. What probably happened was Pete's bodyguards beat the guy up while Pete cowered in the corner clutching his eyeliner and then after they were finished, Pete came over and kicked the guy and said, "And stay down, bitch!" I don't know why the guy is suing Pete Wentz especially when it is common knowledge that Pete couldn't fight his way out of a Wiggles concert.

That is Peter Fonda giving a shout out to the paparazzi. I love that guy. I am speculating they asked him if he planned on making a sequel to Ulee's Gold.

I really wish I was related by blood with Paula Abdul. After her fiasco on American Idol this week in which she criticized a contestant's second song even though he only sang one, she came out and said that she doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs, or pop pills. That is amazing because it she always looks and acts like she has just done a dozen body shots off a frat boy. This look on her face, it makes me think this is what she would look like when she goes to a McDonald's all drunk and she sees the menu. Oh Paula...keep up the great work.

Dear Paris Hilton,
Stay the fuck away from us!
Love,
All the puppies, kitties, reptiles, birds, ponies, bunnies, and ferrets of the world.

Maybe I am jealous of Paris for finding love....probably more like jealous of her making millions off videotaping her sex sessions. Anyway, her boyfriend Benji Madden wrote a song for her called "Shine Your Light". Benji needs to learn that he doesn't have to be so romantic with Paris. She thinks a guy pulling out is a romantic gesture. Writing a love song for Paris to get a piece of her ass is like squirrel hunting with guided missiles, it's overkill.

This is the New Kids on the Block's new single which drops May 13th. Seriously, how many songs about summer does the world need?

Isn't there a law somewhere prohibiting Naomi Campbell from being around baseball bats? She's just waiting to strike. Actually she is filming scenes for Ugly Betty...I'll watch that(raspberry and thumbs down).

So this little picture was very controversial this week. Miley Cyrus did a photo shoot for Vanity Fair magazine with renowned photographer Annie Leibovitz. Apparently the photo shoot was supposed to be artisitic. Disney said that she was manipulated and taken advantage of due to her age but her parents were on the set and they approved and also think of some of the stuff she has done on myspace. Let's see what she does for a photo shoot next, I'm guessing Playboy and by the time she is 18 she'll move up to Hustler or maybe Penthouse sans the urinating.

This was part of the Vanity Fair shoot as well. Miley and her mulleted father Billy Ray...that isn't creepy at all.

Did you know 72% of Michael Jackson's dreams start this way and that 68% of all statistics are made up on the spot. Actually Michael is back in the studio recording a new album...there's something I'll buy(raspberry thumbs down). While in the studio, Michael has forbidden all children from the studio in order to avoid distraction. Hmmm he thinks of this now...I think distraction is code word for unsupervised semen receptacles.

Megan Fox, FHM magazine's hottest female in the world, isn't so hot in the eyes of Wal-Mart. She is serving a lifetime ban from a Wal-Mart in Florida because she once stole some $7 lip gloss. Wow, she must not need NASCAR merchandise or fishing lures. People, you have a better chance of seeing Megan Fox on the one dollar bill than shopping at a Wal-Mart. All this talk of lifetime bans makes me wonder if I am still serving my ban from a particular Culver's. What happened: I worked on the same block as this Culver's and I got chummy with one of the girl cashiers and she suggested that it would be cheaper for me if I ordered just a sandwich and then save my paper cup and just ask for a refill. Well I usually did this when she was working and would go to her line. One day on break it was busy and the manager motioned for me to come to her line. I ordered my butter burger and fries and asked for a refill. She was like, "Where's the ice?" "I ate it." "I don't think so. I don't want you ever coming back here." That was almost 13 years ago and I haven't been back. I just go to one of the other Culver's locations in the area....I need to get to a Culver's tomorrow.

This is Mario Lopez and he is a little something for the lady readers because after all the nipples on this site, it's the least I could do.

Lily Allen celebrated her 23rd birthday this week. A member of the paparazzi gave her this cake as a present. Lily said thank you and then threw it back at the paparazzi. When people waste cake, I get sad and I refuse to smile.

Rumor has it that Mariah Carey married Nick Cannon on Thursday. I won't believe it until I see her wedding dress which more than likely will be made entirely out of pink cotton candy.

So maybe it wasn't cotton candy(actually it is an old halloween photo). Mariah did get married. She and Nick Cannon have been dating all of one month. Nothing like taking things slow. This was an impulse move. She married Nick without a pre-nup. Say goodbye to your 3000 sq. ft. closet, Mariah, because half of that space will belong to Nick Cannon.

Lindsay Lohan is reminded me that summer is coming. It reminds me of an article at The Onion that I read once. I can't find it now but the gist of the article was how you could tell it was springtime by the freeing of breasts in t-shirts and tanktops. Yes, those are good signs.

Lindsay Lohan has a secret admirer! She is starring in a movie called Chapter 27. She plays a character who befriends Mark David Chapman right before he shot John Lennon. The real Mark David Chapman is now obsessed with Lindsay and his cell is covered with her pictures. He was even more impressed when she said how she wanted to go do mission work in India because he is a born again Christian...oh I hear wedding bells.

Leah Remini mostly popular from her stint on Saved by the Bell and starring on The King of Queens and also being a Scientologist was on Rachael Ray this week. Apparently Leah's 4 year old daughter calls the shots around the house and still drinks from the bottle and still wears diapers. When Rachael had Leah take the girl to a pediatrician, they were stunned. I think her real pediatrician is Tom Cruise and he wants Leah to increase her theton levels so that she can telepathically tell her daughter to stop wearing diapers and using a bottle. Is it any wonder that Tom Cruise wants someone to keep on sucking on a bottle?

Heidi Montag and her boyfriend Spencer were on the Tyra Banks show this week and they confirmed that Hills costar Lauren Conrad has a sextape and it might be coming out soon. Spencer went on to say that he'd rather throw up than watch it...sort of gay...maybe someone should introduce him to Tom Cruise.

Who knew Lance Bass was so popular? Settle down guys, there's plenty of man-meat to go around for everybody. You know Lance Bass is just like Elvis only if Elvis knew about self-tanning cream.

Wow, I can't believe Kim and Khloe Kardashian supposedly share the same parents. Khloe looks so huge and fugly. I think he real father is Sloth from The Goonies.

Guess the ass...a supermodel wearing mom jeans but not a mom....Kelly Brook.

I hate this woman. Kathy Griffin can no longer be called a gold digger. She broke up with boyfriend, Steve Wozniak of Apple Computers. She had the winning ticket but she didn't cash it in. Now we have to listen to her "work" by doing more unfunny comedy routines and a stupid reality show all featured on Bravo of course.

Jennifer Lopez has already changed the premise of her TLC reality show. She refuses to call it reality. The correct term might be shit. The show will no longer focus on her managing her family but will look at her trying to create and launch a new perfume. HOW FUCKING RIVETING!

OK my theory about nudity and sex and cameras is coming true. I say that one out of three people have posed nude or have had sex on camera. Anyway, a porn company is realizing what they claim is a Jimi Hendrix sex tape. His friends say it isn't him. His face isn't shown alot in the movie but his trademark lucky headband is frequently seen. The reason you can't see his face much is because he has two women crawling all over him. I highly doubt that this is Jimi Hendrix but I'll let you be the judge. The most compelling evidence that say it is him comes from Cynthia Plaster Caster. If you don't know who that is do a google search and you will be delighted to know that she has collected "little" pieces of Americana.

Jennifer Anniston was once worried about dying alone is now doing John Mayer who has done Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Cameron Diaz, and Mandy Moore. This will not end well. I swear all this guy has to do is grab his guitar and sing a sappy song and the ladies jump naked into bed...wait...where is my guitar?

We now see who wears the pants in Jennifer Love Hewitt's family. Why is that mildly hot?

Jenna Jameson has been visiting London. She was caught white handed with drugs in a nightclub. She went into the bathroom and had the coke in her hand and was ready to dish it out when someone tipped off the bouncers and they rushed in and called her a pig and then threw her out. Pig? Isn't that a bit harsh for someone who was just trying to get their daily dose of protein?

Here's a little something more for the ladies. Javier Bardem just dropped out of his new movie claiming he is very tired. Apparently playing a psychopathic killer in No Country for Old Men is harder work than it appears.

This week information on Jamie Lynne Spears' baby was leaked. Actually a staffer overheard Lynn and Jamie talking. She is going to be the mother of a girl and is due on June 29. How sweet! This means she will be a grandmother before she knows it. I predict Jamie will be a grandmother by the year....wait can girls get pregnant when they are 9?

Halle Berry is look gorgeous. She had her baby girl but we have yet to see the sperm donor. He probably went back to the agency from whence he came.(giggle)

Last week I talked about how Heidi Montag was invited to the White House Correspondents Dinner and Spencer refused to go. Well the real reason he didn't want Heidi to go is because MSNBC wouldn't pay for his airfare to Washington DC. What a douche! So when he heard that Spencer and Heidi weren't coming President Bush chartered Air Force One to go pick them up and bring them to Washington. Hmmm with all the home foreclosures, rising gas prices, rising produce prices, inflation, war, unkept army barraks...well you would think our government has more pressing concerns than Spencer. At the meal Bush joked about how Hillary Clinto couldn't make it because of all the snipers around DC(wow, just a few years ago that city was terrorized by a sniper, how sensitive!). He went on to joke that Obama couldn't make it because he was at church(at least Obama goes to church and doesn't use the christian faith to garner votes). Later in the week the New York Giants visited the White House. Bush talked about how Jessica Simpson was such a distraction to the Cowboys and that enabled the Giants to win and then he said we need to send her to the Democratic National Convention. OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Bush needs to quit his job and go join the Queens of Comedy.

Gwyneth Paltrow is such a bitch. She is in Iron Man and the company set up a $100 thousand meal for an after premire party. Well Gwyneth skipped out on the meal to go to another restraunt with her husband, Chris Martin. Now before she got to the restraunt she demanded that they have a separate entrance. She made a red carpet style entrance while her husband was forced to enter through the backdoor. Hmmm maybe Chris Martin is lucky afterall for having a wife that lets him go in the backdoor.

This is Dog the Bounty Hunter and his wife Beth. Class. Elegance. Sophistication. Those are words not used for these two people. They were out shopping for bleach, lice remover, and KY Jelly...for his hair of course. KY keeps the mullet flowing.

I was surprised to hear that Dennis Rodman is still alive. He was arrested for spousal abuse. SURPRISE. He was drinking. SURPRISE. His assistant said Rodman will enter rehab once he moves back to Florida. SURPRISE. So this whole incident is quite surprisng. You know I get sick of hearing all these stories of people disrespecting booze. People, you need to respect the booze or they will take it away from us. It won't happen you say. Well the Christians had booze taken away in this country once before and it can happen again.

Look out, Tom Cruise, there's a new lookalike lesbian couple lesbian couple in town. Clay Aiken and one of his castmates were out on the town. Shockingly Clay almost wore the same outfit that she chose.

Look out people there is a rabid marmoset escaped from its cage and is out for blood. Actually that is just Christina Ricci leaving her motel. I think she is just as shocked as I am that she is in the new live action Speed Racer movie.

Breaking News! Charlie Sheen still loves hookers and still uses escort services. Wow, that was all over the news. I could have told you that bit of information even before it made the news.

Beyonce and Jay-Z did get married and the rumor why they got married is that she is pregnant. They rushed the wedding because she is such a good Christian and didn't want to have the child out of wedlock. My question is if she is Christian couldn't she have waited to give him the cooch until she got married?

More Pete Wentz news...Hurah! This is weird. Joe Simpson is selling MTV on the idea that MTV she have a new version of The Newlyweds and this time follow around Ashlee and Pete. Didn't the first one end badly?

Supermodel Angie Everhart was arrested for DUI this week in Hollywood. If I move out there I need to invest in a suit of armor to be able to walk down the sidewalks.

Here is America Ferrera picking a winner or maybe she got beaned in the nose by Naomi Campbell.

Amy Winehouse looks pretty good when she cleans up. She has been in the news because of all the men she is sleeping with. Amy, you're breaking my heart.

There is a tape out there starring Angelina Jolie. Shockingly it isn't of her having sex but of her doing heroin and saying how much she loves smack. I am waiting for the days when celebrity tapes will feature the scandal of taking a dump. It is going to happen one day.

This Angelina Jolie regrets putting in her body during the 90s. OK here is a pet peeve. People, spell check doesn't change homonymns. Yeah, those kick ass homonymns. You actually have to have some knowledge in order to tell the difference between a female hero and drugs.

Amy Smart is starring in the new movie Crank 2. I swear this movie will be better than anything that comes out this summer if she is topless during that entire movie. I wonder if a non-porno could get made where the female lead is topless the entire movie. Maybe I should try it. That guy has one job I would love. How does one go about becoming a nipple taper? I think it is one of those question that we will never know the answer.

With Amy Smart kicking all that ass in Crank 2, they must have forgot to put the tape on.

Britney Spears will be doing another guest spot on How I Met Your Mother just in time for sweeps week. I hope she kisses Doogie Howser and turns him gay...again.

Since February 2007, Britney has lost $61 million. That is mind boggling of course Starbucks is pretty expensive and she seems to live on that crap. I could travel to Thailand and have a van filled with virgin hookers and dolphin steaks every day for twenty years and still come home with $59 million. She probably bought a lot of "magic" beans.