OK, I haven't been on here for some time. After my last post my health took a dip and I got really bad. I don't even know where to start. I started having a fever and coughing and then constantly congested. Funny thing was that every once in awhile I would spring a leak and drainage from my nose just would not stop. The doctor didn't help. Told me to increase my fluids and that it was probably allergies. Well I did that and nothing happened except that due to my increased fluid intake I had to go to the bathroom every half hour. One of my cats must feel sympathetic because every time I have to go she follows me and sits outside and when I exit she has a sad look on her face. Maybe it is also the smell because my insides have liquefied as well and that hasn't been fun. I think the worst part is something else that has developed. Before my sophomore year in high school, I had 3 wisdom teeth removed and the dentist said the place where the fourth should be there wasn't a tooth and there probably wouldn't be one ever. Well the thing about the word probably it isn't a definite measurement. Yes, at age 28, I am developing my last wisdom tooth and it hurts like a bitch. I can't remember this pain back when I was 15. I now understand why the little babies cry so much. Well I got out the Aleve. I have a history with that pain medicine. I took it when I played football and it would knock me out. One time I was at a pub with my parents and I took some because my knees were aching. I was sleeping on the table before the meal came out. Anyway I woke up at 7 took all my medicine and went back to bed. I woke up again at 10 to go to the bathroom and then I turned on the tv to see what ignorance was on Maury but after 5 minutes I was asleep. Woke again at 11 to go to the bathroom and then turned on Cops to see civil rights abuses. 5 minutes into that I was asleep. I woke up at 1 with Olivia Munn waving goodbye. That was awesome, but what wasn't awesome was that I had been sweating. I had two blankets wrapped around me and I sweat through both, my neck even was sweating. Anyway I got up and moved around and cleaned the blankets. I was going to go out and do Mother's Day shopping and get a birthday present for my dad. Well good old medicine kept me from being able to drive. It is worse than alcohol. Well I laid on my floor tonight and slept off and on. Now I feel like $10 and I am ready to blog.
At a movie premiere Tom Cruise finally found out how to appear taller than Katie Holmes. That is pretty creepy...I mean what the hell type of suit is that. I bet it is something out of Xenu's closet. Seems like Tom spends a lot of time in that closet...come on how can I not make a gay joke or Scientology joke when Tom Cruise is involved.
Tom must be planning on releasing a movie in 9 months because he is talking about how much he wants to have another child. He does think Suri will make an excellent big sister because Tom brainwashed her into believing that. Anyway I think Tom Cruise is just looking forward to jerking off in a turkey baster. Aaaaahhhh baby-making is so sweet!
This woman has taught me a lot about sex and I don't feel ashamed to admit that. Sue Johansson says that she is ending her sex advice talk-show. When asked what she will miss most, Sue replied, "Playing with the toys." OK, I didn't need to know that. Where am I going to go now to learn about sex? Oh yeah, the internet.
Sarah Jessica Parker basically came out and said her husband, Matthew Broderick, was gay. She said he needs more non-gay friends. You know maybe she should keep her mouth shut. I mean she looks like a goblin raped a horse. Maybe he should just come out and say that he is gay because then people would understand why he married Sarah Jessica Parker.
Here's a little something for the ladies but wait...he's off the market. That's right, Ryan Reynolds is now engaged to Scarlett Johansson. See I am hoping Scarlett wants to focus 100% on her marriage and give up her singing career. Please Lord, make her stop butchering Tom Waits.
Jury selection began on Friday for R Kelly's trial. He stands accused of being a dumbass and having sex with a 15 year old girl and then being a deviant. Let's see...underage girl...check...group sex...check...video taping...check...golden showers...check. This man is truly a super mutant of sexual deviants.
You're going to have to forgive me. This week I was pretty ill so I went around looking for female celebrity's asses to cheer me up. OK, this ass is a repeat Guess the Ass. Focus on the tattoos instead of the paddling that is about to ensue. I know that is difficult but you have to will it. So, it is Pink.
Pink and her new BFF, Bai Ling were out enjoying the beach this week. Pink and Bai Ling are a perfect match. They both enjoy kayaking, long walks on the beach, copious amounts of crack, and probably mouthsful of vag.
A woman came out with a story this week of how she was approached by Owen Wilson in the bar. So what is wrong with a guy approaching a woman in a bar? Well Owen propositioned her for a threesome with him and Vince Vaughn. She got pissed and left. Can you blame her for turning them down? Vince has slept with half of the women in Hollywood and Owen Wilson's idea of sleeping is going to sleep and not waking up...oh is that too early for an attempted suicide joke?
Nick "Hogan" Bollea was sentenced today for his role in a car accident that left his long time friend brain damaged and in need of lifelong medical care and having alcohol in his system at the time. When his friend's father took the stand he told the court how Nick has never apologized for the crash and that when Nick would visit the hospital he would bring cameras and skateboard around the facility. He also described what Nick's license plate, COEHSP, meant...Capable of Eluding High Speed Pursuits. Yeah he was going in excess of 100pmh while he had alcohol in his system. I think all those years in the wrestling ring affected Hulk Hogan's sperm because Nick is stupid. He was sentenced to 8 months in prison to begin immediately, no driver's license for 3 years, and 5 years probation and while on probation he has to take alcohol education classes and be alcohol free. After sentencing his sister Brooke got up and said how they were being mean because of his celebrity status and that is why she hates being famous. Yeah...me me me me me...no sympathy for his friend that is basically a rotting vegetable that will spend the rest of his life in a hospital. Oh and Nick has this to look forward to...the prison where he will be doing time is notorious for rape. It was voted Rapiest Prison in 2007 by Travel Magazine.
Guess the ass...hint...she is not known for cellulite and she eluded jail time and since has been featured on this site half naked...Mischa Barton...yeah, she was in tears in an interview about those photos. Really who cares? I can look past it. No joke, just really enjoy her butt.
Yes, Mariah got married and as of blogging she is still married. Apparently before they got married Mariah had the words Mrs. Cannon tattooed across her back. Obviously she has never read one of my tattoo blogs. Nick Cannon was interviewed and asked why he married her and he talked about how she is beautiful on the outside and also very beautiful on the inside...inside of what? Her wallet? That is the only beauty I think Mariah has.
This week Madonna kissed one of her backup dancers on stage during a performance. Remember when Madonna kissing another woman or women on stage was considered hot and newsworthy? Yeah, this time it just seems awkward and slutty.
This week Liv Tyler ended her marriage to Spacehog frontman Royston Langdon. Dang, she was his only number one hit. OK, In the Meantime was awesome but I don't think it was as hot as Liv Tyler.
This week Lindsay Lohan was caught showing off her blowing skills while on the set of Ugly Better. Yes, she is going to play a down on her luck former friend looking to make it big once again. Hmmm is that reality imitating art?
Lindsay also made some waves this week when she was accused of stealing this rare $11,000 blonde mink coat. Apparently the rightful owner was sitting next to Lindsay in a nightclub and put the coat in a communal compartment and then she got up to do something and then Lindsay was gone. Last year Lindsay made headlines when she stole $10K worth of clothing and jewlery from a model who went on a photo shoot. Nothing has been legally. Wow, I really need to move to LA. This way I can mail Ryan Seacrest a block of cement and directions for an underwater adventure.
For some reason Lil Kim had a promotional photo shoot this week. No one really knows what it was for. Lil Kim dress as Virgin Mary...check...baby appears to be beaten...check...coccaine...check...heroin needles...check...gay guys...check...Hmm I think Lil Kim just made her next Christmas card.
Here's a little something for the ladies....oh wait the guys...Lance Bass turned 29 this week.
Kim Kardashian started undergoing ass reduction treatments. Apparently she wants to give a special calendar to her boyfriend Reggie Bush for his upcoming birthday. My question is why didn't she just video tape them having sex. That way they could have made millions. I guess I have no reason left to care about her without her gigantic ass. Well, that is until she does something that makes her go to jail.
Here we see Kelly Osbourne so drunk and in a strong need of pants. She went out to a bar and got drunk on a drink called the Treasure Chest. They take some brandy, mix it with peach liqueur and then top that off with a bottle of champagne. You know that isn't the treasure chest I think I once saw in a German porn movie. Anyway, it is good to see someone else drunk for a change.
John Mayer, if the shirt fits and describes you perfectly, then wear it proudly.
Due to Jessica Simpson's extreme jealousy of her sister's engagement, it is rumored that she is now engaged to Tony Romo. Before she gets engaged, I think she needs to find a serious relationship with a bra.
Another round of Guess the Ass...hint...this ass is dating an asshole douchebag guitarist...Jennifer Anniston.
The Lord has answered my prayers for this show at least and not my prayers for the meaningful relationship, not the good job, and not the improved health. Oh well this is going to be much better.
The full cast of Vh1's "I
Love Money" reads like the CDC's Most Wanted list. Vh1 has announced the entire cast for the competition reality show
which will pit the walking vagina warts from "Rock of Love,"
"I Love New York" and "Flavor of Love"
against each other for a $250,000 grand prize. And the cast is...
From I Love New York:
12 Pack
Chance
The Entertainer
Heat
Midget Mac
Mr. Boston
Real
Whiteboy
From Rock of Love 1 & 2:
Brandi C
Destiney
Heather
Megan
Rodeo
From Flavor of Love 1 &2:
Hoopz
Nibblz
Pumkin
Toastee
This shit will premiere July 13th at 9pm. Cannot. Wait.
Hugh Hefner said this week that he would love to have Miley Cyrus do a photo shoot for Playboy. Does he realize she is only 15? OK bad question for an 80+ year old.
Heidi Montag and Spencer were at the Kentucky Derby last weekend to see some of Heidi's family members race. She is so stupid. She was interviewed by NBC during pre-race coverage. Oh my god, how can she be a television star? Oh yeah, The Hills is scripted. To her credit she did predict the winner, but the winner was the favorite going into the race. I think she should dump Spencer and date Big Brown.
I don't know if I talked about it before but Spencer writes an advice column over at www.radaronline.com called Yo Spencer. The recent column featured a guy asking Spencer how to get a girl to have anal sex with him. I knew Spencer was into that shit...pun intended. Heidi has that defeated look that comes from a woman whose douchebag boyfriend wants anal, that or she is just dead behind the eyes.
Heather Graham? Does anyone know if she is still alive?
This week Gordon Ramsay was interviewed and he talked about how his 8 year old son came up to him and questioned him about curse words. Gordon said it was rude language and that no one should use that type of language. Wow, talk about hypocrisy in action! Have you ever seen his show on FOX? I think half the dialogue is edited out because it is so foul and of course every show that he is on, even his BBC shows, carry parental advisories for language. Yeah I think Gordon is a hypocrite.
Dennis Rodman had an interesting offer this week. He was told that he could go to rehab or that he could go on the Dr. Phil show. Rodman chose rehab. I hope he gets cleaned up so that he can resume his career. I don't know what that career may be but Dennis wanted me to pass this along to my readers that he would take career suggestions in the comment box at the end of this blog.
Charlie Sheen announced that he is getting married at the end of May to his fiane Brooke Mueller. This is his third marriage. Can you imagine all the hookers that Charlie will need to celebrate this marriage?
Carrot Top has a new routine. He is showing the world what Lindsay Lohan will look like in two years.
Amy Winehouse was persuaded by Pete Doherty to sing a duet with him on stage. He probably coaxed her with a dimebag. You know, maybe I should give up my silly crush on Amy because her and Pete go together so well, like booze and greasy food.
Also this week, Amy Winehouse was photographed answering the age old question, "Do bears shit in the woods?"
Yes, Angelina Jolie is going to give birth to twin girls. Looks like the Olsen Twins will now have some competition. Set time machine for 2026...Why hello ladies, do you come here often?
When Bai Ling wasn't frolicking on the beach this week with Pink, she was showing off her extremely large nipples on the set of Crank 2. That movie is going to be so good as long as there is as much nudity as there has been in production.
Yes that is a fake photo. Ashton Kutcher said this week that he is inspired by Jenna Jameson. He also said that his next movie "Spread" is just like a porno so in the future he may do porn just like his hero Jenna. So I guess I put an edited version up. If any ladies need to see the real, leave comments.
Britney Spears was in court this week. The court ruled that Britney could have more visitations with her sons. It was just 4 months ago that Britney kidnapped her sons and held them hostage and then took about a hundred pills and then we saw this enfold. It was also reported that she is on speaking terms with K-Fed but the speaking is rather interesting. They have long steamy sessions of phone sex. God it must be nice to be rich, famous, and ignorant.
Well I am off to bed and hopefully I will feel less medicated tomorrow and bring my value up to $20.
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