I forgot to post this video this last week because of my depression from loneliness and illness.  It is hilarious.  My Czech is failing me at the moment but I believe the song is about a swamp monster named John.  Anyway this video proves that everything that Borat has to say about Eastern Europeans is pretty much accurate.  Keep an eye out for the two guys that make you wonder what the hell is going on.  Enjoy!

Oh man another week has passed.  I read on one of my subscribers blogs a few days ago a good description of how she felt and how that applies to me.  I feel like a Rod Stewart song, old and boring.  I would include slow, wheezy, and inappropriately sexual.  This month is National Orgasm Month.  Yeah, that should be a great thing but I am single so it looks like the other celebration this month is all I am allowed to celebrate, National Masturbation Month.  Sigh....well here is some celebrity foibles that I found funny and try to make funny.  By the way Dennis Rodman is severely depressed like myself because no one gave him any career suggestions last week.

The San Antonio Spurs have been facing off with the New Orleans Hornets in the NBA playoffs.  The series is tied 3 games a piece.  Well at the recent game in New Orleans a fan held up this cut out of Eva Longoria when Tony Parker went to the free throw line.  Tony missed both free throws.  Th fan was punished by security.  He had the cut out taken away and then he was escorted to a holding cell in the arena where he was forced to watch Eva's movie Over Her Dead Body.  That, my friends, is worse than Chinese water torture.

Suri Cruise is trying escape from Tom's evil clutches by choking her self with her fist.  Either that or she is trying to pull her alien body out of its human shell.

Tom has also been taking Suri to meetings with Disney's CEO so that they can see what a family man he is and that way he can do Disney movies.  I think Tom should just sell Suri to Disney now to make more money because in 12 years Tom will have to shell out a lot of money to pay for all her psychotherapy.

Shania Twain is splitting from her husband of 14 years, Mutt Lange.  I think that is the best woman a guy named Mutt could ever hope for.  Maybe now that he is single he could play up what Lange means in the German language.

I am sick of Sex and the City and I have only seen one preview.

Sarah Jessica Parker was the inspiration behind the Seinfeld episode with Man Hands.  I am so over Sex and the City.

This is Rachel Nichols.  She is playing Scarlet O'Hara in the new live action G.I. Joe movie.  I am excited for this movie in more ways than one.

Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham said this week that straight guys don't like her puny body and that she has strong gaydar and many gay friends.  Hmmmm....Tom Cruise and David Beckham....that explains a lot.

Nick Cannon was photographed this week shopping for his new wife, Mariah Carey.  Yes, he is at the Hello Kitty store.  Well I guess no one ever accused Mariah of being mentally stable.  OK, I will give her the benefit of a doubt because most every Hello Kitty toys doubles as a vibrator so I guess it is all good.

Natalie Portman makes my brain turn to mush when she gets all gussied up.  She is on the jury at Cannes this year so hopefully we will be able to see more of her in the upcoming weeks.

Miley Cyrus is a new spokesperson for milk...next...this is way too easy.

Megan Fox is the hottest woman in the world according to FHM magazine.  Here she is on the set of her next movie showing off her pasties and her landing strip.  Man, this movie looks swell too.

This is Samantha Ronson, Lindsay Lohan's special friend.  She was seen sporting a hickey this week.  Hmmm how are hickeys made?  By the mouth.  Who has mouths?  Scientologists.  Folks, these are not accusations but just facts.

Lily Allen is on vacation this week.  I guess "on vacation" is slang for walking around topless all over not that I am complaining.

Kristin Davis is very excited for a Sex and the City movie tie-in product, the Mr. Big Rabbit Vibrator.  Well, Kristin, close your mouth because that isn't where it...oh well nevermind.  Ladies, I guess that is for you.  An ex tells me that I should recommend the Rabbit for any other ladies out there.  Yeah, sort of emasculating but oh well.

Even though Kim Kardashian is having ass reduction procedures, she posted this picture on her myspace that displays two assets that have me coming back for more.

This is John Graziano.  He was Nick Hogan's passenger that was not able to walk away.  He has a softball size hole in his skull and frontal lobe.  This is the way John looks today and how he will look tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, basically forever.  The reason I am posting this is after reading Brooke Hogan's myspace blog in which she calls Nick's sentence of 8 months a miscarriage of justice.  Yeah, Nick gets jail for 8 months and probation for 3 years.  His friend has to stay like this the rest of his life.  Hmm...maybe Brooke is right, Nick got off too easy.

Here we see a drunken Jessica Simpson.  Why is she drunk?  Well the rumor mill is saying that Tony Romo split from her and was seen cavorting with another big breasted blonde.  He was also seen in the company of a multitude of women who were all fawning over him.  His friends say that Jessica and Tony are through.  So I guess Tony was out getting over Jessica like most men, by getting drunk.  Jessica on the other hand will be coping like most women on a break up: binge ice cream eating, sobbing, and questionable one night stands...I wonder how I get in touch with Jessica Simpson.

Jessica Alba doesn't like photographers either that or her pregnancy hormones are kicking in and she is grouchy.  I wonder if any of you have been flipped off by a pregnant woman.  I haven't...yet but I feel it is coming.  I did witness a pregnant lady flip a guy off behind his back but that is a long story.

This week's mystery ass is telling that old man to get a whiff of her boquet.  Guess the ass.  Hint...she is still with a douche bag guitarist...yes once again that is Jennifer Anniston.  I think she purposely poses like that to get on my blog.

When I first saw this picture I had to do a triple take.  At first I thought it was Anna Nicole Smith but she is dead.  Then I thought, it must be Britney Spears, but then I realized it is only Jamie Lynn Spears on her way to the club to drink away her pregnant grouchiness.

Now that The Hills is on hiatus how will Heidi Montag remain relevant?  Well according to an anonymous staffer, Heidi plans on having a fake pregnancy this summer by wearing loose clothing and even adding padding around her waist so that she will be photographed more due to the rumors of her pregnancy thus keeping her in the news.  Wow, she actually is somewhat clever.  Hmm her show is fake, her breasts are fake, all the orgasms she has are fake...she didn't think we would actually believe that Spencer could get her pregnant, I mean after reading his article last week about how to get women to do anal...no way Heidi, clever thought but not clever enough.

Finally all those Dex tabs I have left over from college will come in to good use because Dweezil Zappa is in works to bring Fraggle Rock to the big screen.  Oh yeah those Dex tabs are going to come in handy.

Fantasia was a former American Idol winner and she performed on the show this week.  She looks like Ronald McDonald's crackhead sister who got a shot of the devil in her and was then stuffed in a velvet jumpsuit to do manic chicken clucking on stage.  Look for her performance on youtube and you will see what I mean.  She actually did spice up a fairly bland show.  Oh and by spice I mean Lawry's Season Salt which is the color of her hair.

The California Supreme Court overturned the ban on gay marriage so Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi have decided to go ahead and get married.  They are registered at Crate and Barrel and probably Home Depot.  Now that women can marry each other, my penis is very threatened.

Here is a recent photo of Collin Farrell yes that is him currently on the left and what he looked like.  Apparently he is doing this for his new movie Triage.  I think he went on the Pete Doherty diet which consists of smoking crack and heroin and crystal meth and cigarettes.

Christina Aguilera and her husband got away from their baby for a little bit this week.  They look like crap.  Must be some late nights changing diapers and bottle feeding.  All I want to know is how does a guy like that get a woman like her.  I can't be for his money because she is rather rich.  It must have something to do with the reason why his nickname is Donkey Dick.

After her night out on the town it looks like Christina went to a mechanic and had her implants rotated.  All that make-up she is wearing...I think she is a creation by the Mayebelline corporation and that she is nothing but foundation, rogue, eyeshadow, breast powder, and lipstick.

A lot of people think Charlize Theron has overrated beauty.  I think it is because she is dumber than a pile of dog crap but please don't say she is overrated.  She looks magic in this photo or at least could pass for a magician's assistant.

Audrina Partridge, you ask what is she going to do now that The Hills is over?  Well she is set to star in the major motion picture Into the Blue 2.  People are saying this is the perfect role for Audrina mostly because she will be scantily clad throughout the whole movie.  You know what else is perfect for her?  Coloring books.

Bea Arthur turned 85 this week.  That is one hot feminist.

I think Bai Ling is just seeking attention when she flashes those super big nipples...it is working.

Pete Wentz revealed in a radio interview this week that their first date Ashlee Simpson lifted her dress over her head to flash him her snatch.  He said it was love at first sight.    I don't think that is the right wording because it makes it seem like Pete fell in love with the first vagina he ever saw or at least he should have said he knew she was a slut at first sight.  Oh well at least this next story is happening.

Pete and Ashlee are getting married in a top secret wedding on Saturday.  Remember it is totally top secret but Joe Simpson has invited certainmagazines for exclusive photos of the secret ceremony.  I have heard the rumor that the reception is being catered by Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles and that guests will each receive a tube of eyeliner and a flat iron.

Amy Winehouse was photographed running in a park this week.  No, there weren't any police chasing her.  Apparently she said she is trying to stay fit.  I think she is actually auditioning for the sequel to Nell.

Ladies and gentlemen, you are witnessing the birth of a super disease.  This picture of Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse kissing is going to be used by the DARE program to teach kids to say no to drugs otherwise this will happen to you.

Britney Spears was in another car accident this week.  I seriously wonder who in their right mind would let her drive anymore.  It seems like every time she gets behind the wheel of a car she has some sort of incident.  Anyway while at a red light she rear ended the car in front of her.  She probably dropped her cheetos and had to pick them up and when she bent over she probably hit the gas.  Cheetos are of the devil.

Thursday afternoon, Britney Spears was rumored to have been taken by plane with Mel Gibson to Costa Rica.  No one really knows why they are there.  One rumor is that Britney is pregnant again and the father is Mel Gibson and they flew off to Costa Rica to plan on how to raise their child as the new Messiah.  Actually I think Mel is probably helping her cope with this.

Britney's ex, Adnan, is shopping a sex tape in which Britney strips all her clothes and performs acts on Adnan all while wearing her pink wig.  This was at the height of her craziness when she and Adnan disappeared in Mexico for a couple weeks.  I hope this isn't true.  My penis is scared that if this tape exists he will never be erect again.  

This is my favorite Britney Spears photo ever.  It was taken last weekend.  I think the only way this photo could be more white trash is if she and Jamie Lynn were driving a NASCAR through Wal-Mart with jugs marked XXX rattling around in the back all the while shooting at possums.  That is my dream picture and if anyone will fulfill that dream it will be Britney.

I forgot to mention my stalker came back today.  I was driving home from going to look for some jalepeno plants at an Amish greenhouse and he was standing out in my backyard smoking a cigar.  I quick slammed on the brakes and threw my car in reverse and got the hell out of there.  It got me to go to a Mexican resturant down the road.  Excellent.  Anyway I hope my feelings of being a Rod Stewart song disipate.  I need to get my hair cut.  I look emo.  It is in my eyes.  Maybe I should start rocking the pompadour again.  No it is soon summer and less hair is better.  Anyway, I promise to write more this next week then I did this week.