Another week has passed and I didn't really accomplish much on this blog other than loading many many many song files that I don't think anyone listens to.  Such is life.  I guess I am down today.  I had to go give more blood not out of the sheer kindness of my heart but because they need to do more testing.  I found it ironic that today was National HIV Testing Day.  I asked if that was one of my tests and the lab tech said they tested me for that a long time ago.  That was sort of shocking.  Now I am not what people might call a slut, basically I am celibate other than my drooling over celebrities so it was somewhat shocking to know that I have had an HIV test.  I probably won't have an update on Saturday or Sunday.  I have a wedding on Saturday which should be craptastic because I can't have any liquor and the cousin getting married is ten years younger than myself so it gets me a little depressed to see someone getting married and I remain unattached.  Sunday I have a family reunion.  I have 20 pounds of smoked beef brisket that I am ready to serve up.  It well be boring as well because I will probably only hear about falling corn prices and rising gas prices and because of medicine I can not drown myself in alcohol.  I plan to skip out early so I can watch the Vaterland whip Spain in the EuroCup.  Well I guess it is on to celebrity foibles.

Will Smith was on Letterman this week promoting his new movie Hancock.  Here we see David Letterman finally getting to find out what Tom Cruise's ass tastes like.

Seriously, Tom and Will should just come out of the closet.  At least Will Smith should come out of the Scientology closet.  If he admits he is a follower of L. Ron Hubbard it would do wonders for his box office returns...just look at what Scientology has done for Tom Cruise and his movies...ok, maybe not.

You know it is summertime and therefore there will be many instances of my favorite game, Guess the Ass.  So, guess...hint...her husband is a loser who went and bagged a white woman in Colorado and severely tore her anus.  Yes, that is Vanessa Bryant, wife of Kobe the (alleged) Rapist and basketball all-star.  Seriously how could Kobe cheat on her.

Here we see Rod Stewart feasting on his girlfriend Penny Lancaster's nipples.  These pictures are just so bizarre.  I can't block them from my mind now.  The creepiness factor is ten times greater when you consider that he was 40 when she actually went through puberty and grew those sweater puppies. 

A photographer caught Paris coming out of a convenience store.  She looks like she is auditioning for some crappy remake of Goldfinger or whichever Bond movie involved the lady spray-painted in gold paint.  She looks horrible and the spray on tan has stained her dress.  OK, here's the funny part.  That same sign hangs above Paris' bed at home...because she's a slut.

In other Paris Hilton news this week, she died.  Of course now I will get hate mail because I wrote that.  Actually her car died.  The battery on her Bentley died while she was shopping in Beverly Hills.  See what most people don't know about Bentleys is that they have horrible issues with their batteries and will quickly eat up all the energy, which is why I refuse to buy a Bentley.

Here's a Guess the Ass for the ladies.  This swashbuckler, whom I hate, demands that either there be a sword in everyone of his movies or if a sword isn't featured in the movie that part of his pay include a specialty sword.  Yes, that is Orlando Bloom.

Just when you thought she had found true love and that we would never hear from her again...NEW YORK IS BACK!!!!  She is looking quite trannylicious for her new series New York Goes to Hollywood.  Here we see her dressed as Marilyn Monroe(or barely contained) and Dorothy Gale from Wizard of Oz.  I have mixed emotions about these photos.  I must say the Wizard of Oz shot...well I think that is a keeper.  Either way this show will suck but will have high ratings based on how bizarre New York behaves.  I probably will watch the train wreck.

Nelson Mandela celebrated his 90th birthday in London last night.  He banned Naomi Campbell from being a presenter at the music and arts portion of the birthday bash.  She was allowed to attend however and no she didn't throw anything at Mandela.  The strange thing is that Amy Winehouse and Eminem were performers at the party.  I don't get Mandela's logic but I've never been locked up for 20 years because of my political beliefs.

Supermodel Miranda Kerr was photographed topless this week.  Being a supermodel is such easy work and leads to such a privileged life.  If I went naked in public, it would take 15 seconds before the police would arrest me. 

Remember when I speculated that everyone besides me has a sex tape?  Well, my theories are starting to align to prove me correct.  It was announced that Verne Troyer has a sex tape.  In case you don't recognize the birth name, he played Mini-Me in the Austin Powers movies.  Yeah, the little person.  TMZ posted part of the video and now he is suing the website for $20million.  When news broke about this sex tape it was reported that he was upset that the distribution company was only offering him $100,000 for the rights to the tape.  All I care about is that when the movie gets released it does not include Mini in the title. 

By the way Mini-Me's co-star in the sex tape is his exgirlfriend and current roommate Ranae Shrider.  She was interviewed by a radio show this morning and she said that even though Mini-Me claims to be a tripod, he is very proportionate in size.  WTF!  Anyway she went on to claim that she thought that they would eventually get married.  Hey, isn't talk of marriage the trick most guys use to get women naked on film?  Just checking so I can start my career.  Oh by the way, this shouldn't be a coincidence but Ranae is good friends with both Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian, both of whom had their careers launched by sex tapes.

Next time you go to Wal-Mart make sure you pick up a pack of Hannah Montana gummy penises.  Seriously, is this the best that Wal-Mart, Disney, and Miley Cyrus could do?  I mean somehow they should have got NASCAR involved but come on, phallic guitars?

So Mario Lopez(AC Slater of Saved by the Bell) has taken to getting drunk and having his photograph taken with his girlfriend next to the homeless of Los Angeles.  Where is Mr. Belding when you need him?  Oh wait Mr. Belding is the homeless guy...good to see a Saved by the Bell reunion on skid row, it was inevitable.

This is Lisa Rinna.  Every time I see her I stare at her lips and become hypnotized and then I wonder what sort of monster plastic surgeon would construct such huge lips and then I wonder if that same plastic surgeon works on penises...wow, it's raining again.

Lindsay Lohan still loves to devour the tuna. Guess that isn't really news but just my lame attempt at lesbianic humor.

In the news of the truly retarded, this week Hulk Hogan decided to show up announced at his former residence.  He got out of his car and stood in the driveway staring at the house.  Linda Hogan saw the Hulkster so she announced through the window that she was calling 911.  As she was on the phone claiming the Hulkster to be the Stalker, Hulk left.  So what does Linda do?  She hangs up on 911 and gets in her car to follow Hulk down the highway.  After a few miles she gave up pursuit.  So who is the stalker here?  I am going to eliminate Linda from the equation seeing as she is so stupid that they have to put post-it notes next to all the sockets warning her not to stick her fingers inside. 

Why isn't this guy father of the year?  Larry Birkhead said that he has bought substantial amounts of lingerie for his daughter.  Yes, lingerie for a baby but it isn't what you think.  See Larry is pretending to have had so much love for Anna Nicole Smith and wants Dannilynn to know who her mom was so Larry is buying up all of Anna's old lingerie.  Hmm I guess he doesn't want to the little girl to find out about her mother from all the Playboy material or the soft core porn but from her lingerie collection.  I call shenanigans on Larry Birkhead.  You know that he is buying that stuff up for himself so on the weekends he can frolic around in Anna's lingerie.

I can't play guess the ass here because the face is visible.  Technicalities.  Anyway I thought it was a beautiful picture of Kirsten Bell.  It makes me upset that Dax Shepard has his hands all over that ass.  I think it is time for an angry mob to storm his house.

Guess the ass...hint...this is probably the only work this woman has done that I have enjoyed besides her role in Knocked Up...Katherine Heigel.

OK, this is a toughy.  Her name is Karolina Kurkova.  She was accused of being fat during the recent Rio fashion review.  I can't believe that people are criticizing that ass.  That is a work of art and besides that it is nice to see a model with some rolls on her back.  That is a real woman.  OK, maybe not a real woman but I think you know where I am trying to go...wow, it's raining.

Juliette, Juliette where for art thou Juliette?  Oh there you are posing provacativiely with a microphone.  Juliette Lewis turned 35 this week and yes that is the sound of the ocean that you are hearing.

Should I do another round of Guess the Ass?  It is too late, photo is posted.  Hint...this ass is supposedly engaged and pregnant by that douche bag Justin Timberlake.  Yes that is Jessica Biel.  I think the only reason she got posted is because the tag is showing proving she is just like a normal person.

Hugh Hefner is 82 years old and he is complaining of having back problems because of all the sex that he is getting.  So I just got some new Batman sheets for my sleeping place.  Yeah, I guess you could say both Hugh and I are livin' the dream.

Oh my god, Hayden Panetierre is a brunette.  That is so sexy.  Apparently this is a new look for the next season of Heroes.  We will get to see her evil side.  I can't wait for the hotness and sexiness of an evil Hayden.

My new feature: Asshole of the Week.  The first award goes to Don Imus.  Apparently calling the Rutgers women's basketball team a bunch of "nappy headed hoes" didn't make him shut up.  This week he spoke about race again.  A reporter was talking about Adam "Pacman" Jones and his arrest record and out of the blue Imus asks, "What color is he?" The reporter, who is African American, replied, "Black." Imus then said, "There you go."  So I took it to mean that Imus is saying that Jones gets in trouble because he is black but Imus says he was referring to the police arresting African Americans.  Imus said it is ok to talk about because his co-host and other panelists on his show are African American.  I think he is just digging his grave deeper and deeper.  Shut the hell up already!

This is Deeana Pappas.  She is the current Bachlorette on the ABC series.  She is boring and phony.  I actually watched this while I was sick or I should say I was forced to watch it when I was sick.  Anyway, I must say she is rather cute and striking in this photo.  That being said, there is no way that I would go on national TV to compete for the likes of her.  I now make a vow to never talk about her again until her sex tape comes out.

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!  Who let the ghoul from the Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland loose?  Poor Courtney Love, a see through dress and granny panties.  Who wears granny control panties when there is nothing to control?  I think Courtney needs to get her ass to the trainwreck clinic with Dr. Drew.

This is Cheryl Burke from Dancing with the Stars.  She was one of the professional dancers on that show that was paired with a celebrity for dance competitions.  I didn't know that dancers were that hot.  I am almost tempted to give up the Rennaisance Fair and take up ballroom dancing.  Just kidding, no way would I give up dressing like a friar to be a dancer and become some sort of nerd.

Brooke Hogan was shot for Maxim Magazine this week.  Like usual the Hulkster showed up on the set to make sure that Brooke didn't show too much skin or at least that is what he claims.  I seem to remember him rubbing her ass with sunscreen earlier this year but that is totally stupid as Brooke says because Hulkster has seen her naked numerous times especially when he changed her diapers.  So basically the Hogan family are a bunch of conservative Puritans.

While in Russia promoting Get Smart, Anne Hathaway was attacked by a woman on the street.  The woman claimed that Anne was trying to steal her boyfriend.  Yeah, I think the real reason why Anne got beat up is because she made another crappy movie.

Ali Larter posed for Allure magazine this week and well the photos were quite alluring.  She may not be that endowed but she uses it to her advantage.  Yes, quite alluring.

Amy Winehouse's father leaked news of Amy's health to the press this week.  He said that she has emphysema.  God that really sucks, I think it is bad enough having asthma.  He also said that she will never breathe properly again and may eventually become confined to a wheelchair.  I think Amy needs to go to rehab..yes, yes, yes.

The day after her father announced her emphysema, Amy Winehouse was spotted lighting up.  According to her doctor, she has the lungs of an 80 year old woman.  Guess that is what you get from smoking crack and cigarettes.  Oh what the hell does her doctor now?  I mean he only went to university for 8 years or so and has only practiced for at least 20 years.  Yes, I am dilusional.

In sad news this week, George Carlin passed away.  He was 71 years old.  He was a legendary comic.  I won't say he was innovative because I think he just picked up where Lenny Bruce left off.  I saw some of his early stand up career on the Ed Sullivan show so you know he was pretty tame.  He truly was legendary.  I didn't agree with all his views but he still made me laugh.  I am thankful that I got to see him perform.  He will be missed.

Well I am off to bed to get some rest for my big weekend.

I was reading a blog today about feeling old and how younger people make you feel old because you do the activities that they do.  I was in Wal-Mart a few days ago looking at cds.  I was asking the clerk if they had the new Radiohead greatest hits album and if it was one or two discs.  This girl looking at cds heard me talking about Radiohead and the incredulous look she gave me was one for the ages.  I read her mind and she was saying, "God how can an old fart like you listen to some band as cool as Radiohead."  The clerk told me they only had the single disc album.  So then I went next to the girl who was looking at Weezer cds.  I picked up the newest cd, decided to be an ass, and said to her, "Ah, Weezer, excellent band.  I've been listening to them since before you were born."  Her jaw dropped.  I then paid for my cd and left.  I guess only kids can listen to good music nowadays.  Anyway the blog and my situation got me thinking of one of my favorite Weezer songs, "The Good Life".

When I look in the mirror
I can't believe what I see
Tell me, who's that funky dude
Staring back at me
Broken, beaten down
Can't even get around
Without an old-man cane
I fall and hit the ground
Shivering in the cold
I'm bitter and alone
Excuse the bitching
I shouldn't complain
I should have no feeling
Cos feeling is pain
As everything I need
Is denied me
And everything I want
Is taken away from me
But who do I got to blame?
Nobody but me
And I don't wanna be an old man anymore
It's been a year or two since I was out on the floor
Shaking booty, making sweet love all the night
It's time I got back to the good life
It's time I got back, it's time I got back
And I don't even know how I got off the track
I wanna go back, yeah!
Screw this crap, I've had it!
I ain't no Mr. Cool
I'm a pig, I'm a dog
So excuse me if I drool
I ain't gonna hurt nobody
Ain't gonna cause a scene
Just need to admit
That I want sugar in my tea
Hear me (hear me) I want sugar in my tea!
I don't wanna be an old man anymore
It's been a year or two since I was out on the floor
Shaking booty, making sweet love all the night
It's time I got back to the good life
It's time I got back, it's time I got back
And I don't even know how I got off the track
I wanna go back, yeah!
I wanna go back, I wanna go back
And I don't even know how I got off the track
It's time I got back, it's time I got back
And I don't even know how I got off the track
I wanna go back, yeah!
And I don't wanna be an old man anymore
It's been a year or two since I was out on the floor
Shaking booty, making sweet love all the night
It's time I got back to the good life
It's time I got back, it's time I got back
And I don't even know how I got off the track
It's time I got back, it's time I got back
And I don't even know how I got off the track
I wanna go back (I wanna go back)

I went to the doctor today for a follow up visit.  He said my lungs are finally sounding better.  I have to take some more blood tests and see him in two weeks.  Currently my medicine list is as follows: 2 doses of steroids a day, 2 doses of asthma inhaler per day, 2 doses of iron supplement a day, 2 doses of allergy medicine a day, 1 blood pressure medicine, 1 antibiotic per day, and 1 antacid pill per day.  I also take a nebulizer treatment at the most 4 times a day.  So I think that should get me better within the upcoming weeks. 

I don't know if anyone has noticed but I have an audio blog.  It is just some songs that I have decided to stop storing on my computer and have moved to storage on here.  I just thought that maybe you would like to hear some of the music that I have been listening to.  I hope you enjoy.

Time for some motivation:

So I haven't been online much this week.  It all started Sunday afternoon.  I redeveloped my horrible cough similar to what I had when I had my initial lung infection.  I was down and hurting.  I had my procedure on Monday and that really sucked except for what a nurse did to me.  I get to the hospital and to the area where it was going to take place.  Well they had to prep me and that meant more ivs and blood samples.  I also got to talk to the doctor and he showed me the camera they would be shoving down my throat.  I got so nervous.  The nurse was holding my hand in her hand and was rubbing it on her thigh which is apparently a new technique to get veins to appear on the hand.  Anyway that is the most action I've gotten in a long time.  Thought I'd share.  They then sprayed this horrible substance in my mouth the numb my throat.  I must say the taste was terrible but I kind of enjoyed the results.  I don't know why but it felt cool to have no feeling in my mouth.  Then came the knockout relaxation medicine.  Too bad it didn't knock me out but just relaxed me.  I witnessed this long black snake being inserted down my throat and then watched it on the tv monitor.  The doctor couldn't find anything wrong so he then sent me to get ultrasounds of my lower organs.  I don't understand how when pregnant women get those that it doesn't hurt the baby.  I had bruises after awhile.  Anyway the person couldn't see anything wrong so they sent the pictures to the UW hospital and I am still waiting on results.  Probably nothing serious if I am waiting this long.  Anyway, I had a follow up the next day with another doctor.  He gave me some shots of antibiotics and steroids and then more prescriptions of antibiotics and steroids.  He also ordered me on strict bedrest so most of my days have been spent reading in bed.  I am a huge fan of Chuck Palahnuik.  I have read two of his books this week alone.  I go back Monday for more blood tests and another check up to make sure I still have lungs.  Anyway I am feeling able today and went and read up on my celebrity foibles.  Let's just say it was a slow week for celebrity news.  It was about as slow as the new Mike Myers' movie The Love Guru is funny.  Enjoy!

Will Smith's new movie Hancock sort of hit a snag in London this week when not all the letters of the movie were delivered for the premiere.  Strangely, Tom Cruise was seen standing in line and clearly was salivating every time he looked and saw Will Smith Cock on the board.  Tom really likes his new Scientology buddy.

A story of Tom Cruise was released this week.  It said that all of Tom's cars are bombproof and his drivers are professionally trained for defensive driving.  Wow, how very careful Tom Cruise is?  You would think that he should make his acting career bomb proof...Vanilla Sky...Minority Report...War of the Worlds...Mission Impossible 3...Lions for Lambs???????????????

Serena Williams was seen getting out of a car normally for a pre-Wimbeldon party in London this week.  You know I think I am going to start watching tennis. 

Yeah this is Serena's sister Venus...another reason to start watching tennis. I want to make a gravity comment here but I am just in awe.

Rihanna, please leave the hat wearing to the professionals.  Or at least go back to seductively dancing with an umbrellas but for the love of God, LEAVE THE HATS ALONE!

Paris Hilton must have like 10,000 dogs by now.  It seems like whenever she buys a pair of shoes she has to buy a matching chihuahua.  No, she probably buys a new dog as frequently as she buys the morning after pill.  Well pet stores have caught on to Paris' ways and just week she was refused to purchase a dog.  Paris started crying and threw a tantrum saying that she just wanted to buy a puppy.  The clerk told Paris to go home to her other pets.  I seem to remember writing a report on how Paris never picked up her pets from the vets, well they are still there waiting for you Paris, go get them.

Nicole Richie has now made it possible for my eyes to dry heave.  That dress looks horrible.  Supposedly she got married last weekend to her boyfriend from Good Charlotte.  I don't know if it is true but Joel Madden posted on his myspace blog that, "I did it, I finally got married."  Way to add to the stress level, Nicole.  See you soon in rehab!

Naomi Campbell was photographed earlier this week coming out of a night club.  She appears to be going bald.  Here's a fun game to play.  Print out this picture and the next time you see Naomi Campbell try to get her to autograph this photo.  Chances are you will get a cell phone thrown at you.  I do have $20 riding in Las Vegas that when Naomi dies and faces God in Heaven, she will throw a BlackBerry at him.

As if going bald wasn't bad enough for Naomi, her sentence was handed down today in connection with her fighting two police officers at a British airport.  She received 200 hours of community service and was ordered to pay the two police officers involved $400 and the pilot $300.  Now she will have to give up Kristal and cocaine for a whole month to be able to afford to pay those fines.

While his girlfriend is at home being pregnant, Matthew McConaughey went to Mexico this week and got royally trashed.  I have heard that women really enjoy this guy.  I don't see it but then I was one to think that Mr Belvedere was a funny tv show.

Everyone's favorite recovering alcoholic celebrity rehaber porn-star, Mary Carey made a major announcement this week poolside in Las Vegas.  She announced that she is officially running for California State Assembly.  She she didn't do to well in the gubernatorial bid so she decided to go down a peg.  Her campaign motto is something quite interesting.  She is claiming that she is the politician that you would like to get screwed by.  I can see her winning the seat because of that motto much in the same way as how Jesse Ventura became governor of Minnesota.  You know I am just thinking of Mary Carey's motto.  I do find her attractive, so attractive I think I may need to go find a way to lower my blood pressure but anyway no way would I let my penis get near her.  Especially not after seeing her filmography.  I think if I got near her I would soak it in bleach and then in boiling water.  All I can say is that California is going to be in for some interesting times with her in office. 

Another round of Guess the Ass.  Hint:  Donald Trump used to hit that...That is Marla Maples...remember her?  I didn't think so.

Last week there were photos of Lindsay Lohan floating around the net saying she was fat.  Well she was wearing a pregnancy prosthetic for her new movie Labor Pains.  This week Lindsay wanted to show everyone that she was indeed not fat so what better way to show it than by hitching up her shirt and walking around with a bare stomach.  Thank you, Lindsay, you are a genius.

Guess the ass....answer below.

So the ass belongs to Kate Beckinsale who opened her mouth again this week to complain that her butt was too big.  She was so ashamed of her butt that in a new movie they had to hire a nude stand-in to film all naked butt scenes involving Kate.  I don't know what her problem is but in my estimation that may be a little on the small side, but what do I know, I thought getting my hand on a nurse's thigh was exciting.

Now look at that ass, Kate Beckinsale, that may be considered a fat ass.  Kim Kardashian posed while on family vacation to show off her most prominent feature.  The captain of the chartered yacht was afraid to take Kim out in the ocean fearing that her ass would throw off the tides.  Of course it did, and now the Midwest is underwater.  Damn you and your wickedly fabulous fat ass, Kim Kardashian!

Kate Moss is culturally insensitive.  See I'm one of those liberal types who when I go to another country will respect their way of life as best as I can.  Kate isn't like that.  She went to Turkey and wore this dress in public.  Luckily she wasn't stoned or set on fire.  See if you are a woman who travels to a Muslim nation it is a good thing that you wouldn't wear a see-through dress like Kate did.  Just a tip, ladies.

One of Jennifer Lopez's staffers was quoted this week to have said that JLo considers herself to be the world's worst mother.  Well let's see.  Carrying newborn down really steep stairs wearing four inch platform heels...check...bad mother.  OK, well if you carry your kids down steep steps with four inch platform heels sorry.

Guess the juicy ass...this one is difficult.  Her name is Jennifer Ellison and she is a British singer, dancer, and movie star.  Apparently the only movie I have ever seen her in is the 2004 movie adaptation of Phantom of the Opera where she played Meg Giry, see it was difficult to guess but well worth the effort.

Jamie Lynn Spears had her baby.  She gave birth to a little girl.  The rumored names were Lizzie Cheeto(Britney's choice) or Queen Anne.  See nobody ever has accused the Spears family of being bright.  The actual name they chose for their little girl was Maddie Briann.  So is it illegal to say Jamie Lynn is now a MILF?  Yeah I think we wait a year on that one.  Vegas odds on when Maddie Briann will have her first child are under 15(20:1)16(15:1) 17(7:1)18(4:1)19 or older(off).

Here we see Helen Hunt enjoying some fun on the beach and then with 30 minutes and photoshop we see that Helen Hunt enjoys take massive pisses on the beach.  I saw this picture early this morning and then 30 minutes later I found it photoshopped.  What a wonderful world we live in!

What do the two most vain people in the world who claim to be worth billions do for fun on the weekends?  Why they shop for guns.  Apparently Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag spent over $10,000 on guns last weekend.  See the guns were special because they are all the same weapons that the U.S. Delta Force uses.  Spencer said they needed the guns to be prepared for anything.  Can you imagine Heidi holding a gun?  She probably points it the wrong direction.  I think they are covertly planning on taking out the Real World: Hollywood.  Or maybe they just plan on doing some drive-bys in the next season of The Hills.

Steve Guttenberg made news today.  Hell, he made news with me today showing that he is still alive.  A paparazzo was photographing Steve eating a banana and then Steve became irate and started throwing punches at the cameraman.  See what you don't know is that the cameraman was egging on Steve Guttenberg by saying that Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow was much better than Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol.  Man, that's just like stepping between a mother bear and her cub.

I guess here's a little something for the ladies and when I saw a little something I mean a little because apparently this photo of David Beckham has been photoshopped in key areas....oh who am I kidding?  They pasted his face over my body.

David Beckham's looming package has been a delight in front of the Macy's in downtown San Francisco.  No gay marriage jokes. 

Guess the ass...hint...this new mother left her child at home once again so that she could go party this ass off...answer. Christina Aguilera.

Well that is it for this week.  See I said it was slow.  No Britney news other than she went back to her hometown to be with Jamie for the birth of the new Spears spawn.  So remember when I said it was as slow as The Love Guru is funny...well don't go see The Love Guru if you want to laugh or for that matter, think.  Well take it easy and I will try to get better so that I may do some more blogging this week.

OK, I am back.  Got some work done and some rest.  I am torn up right.  Got a lot of emotions and a lot of hopes but the way things have been going I think all my hopes and dreams will be dashed on the rocks of reality.  Well I know one thing is certain, famous people will be stupid and I will make fun of them. Oh and there will also always be hot chicks.

For those of who don't know who this is, she is Zooey Deschanel.  She is really cute and her cleavage is really happening.  I have enjoyed her since her role in my all time favorite movie, Almost Famous.  I am going to sing her praises and say she is very talented and worthy of respect.  She is much better than all the attention whores that predominate this site.  Too bad she is currently in M Night Shamaylan's new movie The Happening.  I had to look for the surprise twist and I don't think I am going to see this movie.

Here's one for the ladies.  I guess I am going to do that a lot this week.  I am just trying to get girls to like me.  Yeah as if that would happen.  Sitting alone in a hospital room really got me thinking about love and marriage...anyway this is William H. Macy and that is one hell of a muff-duster.  I wish I could grow one but thanks to burning my lip with a lit cigarette when I was 3, I have this open spot on my lip where the hair won't grow.  Ladies, I bet you are thinking, "That William H. Macy is a DILF!" Well check him out in The Cooler.

Jessica Alba gave birth to a daughter named Honor Marie Warren.  All I can think is that is one lucky kid, going to be oh so close to that chest....see I am so alone.

Jessica Alba's water broke and the levies in Iowa broke.  She explained the reason why she named her daughter Honor is because she said it was an honor to have Cash Warren's baby.  When little baby Honor heard that she barfed.

Not to be upstage by Jessica Alba, Tori Spelling gave birth to a daughter.  She had her c-section a day later at 11am and then her liposuction and tummy tuck at 2pm.  What a trooper!  Lugging those duffel bags all over the place...dang.

Tori looks a little "off" in this picture but anyway she named her daughter Stella Doreen just in case you cared.

It was reported this week that Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson are a couple once again.  It's fitting seeing they have slept with everyone in Hollywood.  They have come full circle.  Hahahaha...come.  Let's see greatest romantic couples in history...Romeo and Juliet, Antony and Cleopatra, Rhett and Scarlett, yeah Pam and Tommy belong in that category.

I was saddened to learn yesterday that Tim Russert of Meet the Press died yesterday at the age of 58. I really enjoyed his style of interviewing.  He was fairer and more balanced than FOX News will ever hope to be.  Tim Russert will definitely be missed.

I can't believe I go from Tim Russert to Tila Tequila but here goes.  She was interviewed on the red carpet at the Bravo A-List Awards and she begged Lindsay Lohan to come out of the closet.  I think it is a trick to get Lindsay to be a contestant on Tila's show A Shot at Love.

Speaking of her show, at the premire of some crappy summer movie Tila claimed that the reason why California repealed the ban on gay marriage was her show abotu bisexuality.  She says the show is helping the gay movement become mainstream.  Reality check time:  her show isn't making the gay movement come to the mainstream but she is making the "I'm a Total Whore Seeking Attention" movement come to national attention.  Also I read a report this week that said 26% of New Yorkers have herpes.  So Tila at some time in her life must have set foot in New York therefore she must be responsible for the herpes outbreaks.  See I can be as stupid as Tila and as fair and balanced as FOX News.

This is Shauna Sand trying to get out of a car.  She is a former Playboy model and current attention whore.  She was married to Lorenzo Lamas and they spawned an attention whore who was on The Bachelor.  Anyway those nipples are the sickest thing I have ever seen.  I mean with all the implants this woman claims to have had, those things look like they need to be inflated with a bike pump or maybe they fell off and were stapled on.  
I frequently talk about how celebrity women are stupid when they get out of cars, well this is Shauna Sand in the same sequence.  A paparazzi member, after getting a pic of the stapled on nipples captured Shauna exiting the car over her boyfriend.  Just a warning, don't zoom in because even though she is wearing underwear it doesn't do a lot of coverage and well I think she has had work done because it looks as fake as her stapled on nipples.

I love this pic of Shauna Sand.  Standing on a street corner...yeah it is pretty much telling you that she is a whore.  Most men are not able to afford to park in her box of lucite treasures.

It turns out the reason why George Clooney broke up with his girlfriend Sarah Larson is because she went and got implants and he only likes natural women.  Man, it is nice to see another guy out there thinks the same way I do, if a girl with implants were to come my way and want to actually show affection I guess I wouldn't break up with her.  

While promoting the new Incredible Hulk movie, yes, Incredible Hulk(I'll get to that later), Robert Downey Jr. talked about how he cleaned himself up and became sober.  He was driving around LA with a trunk full of drugs sort of like an ode to Hunter S Thompson.  He stopped at a Burger King to get something to eat and he claims whatever he ordered was the worst food he ever had.  The food was so bad that it made him drive to the ocean and dump all his drugs and also made him feel that something bad was going to happen.  Yeah usually after I eat at Burger King something bad happens, just ask my colon.  OK, now here's the deal with The Incredible Hulk.  Edward Norton was so gung-ho about making this movie work because of how Ang Lee screwed up the previous Hulk movie.  Well Norton didn't get his way so now he refuses to promote the movie.  This has led the producers to have Robert Downey promote and they have used the twist surprise ending in the new trailers on TV.  Yeah, they gave away the twist because Edward Norton is a sniveling little bitch.  I wanted to be surprised.  Oh well, I'll wait for the DVD.

Let's analyze this story and I am graphic because the story is graphic.  R Kelly fucks and pisses on an underage girl.  R Kelly films these acts.  R Kelly arrested.  R Kelly writes sappy rap opera about his ordeals called In The Closet probably based on his sexuality.  R Kelly taken to trial and lawyers claim the male in the movie has a mole that R Kelly doesn't have.  R Kelly found not guilty.  I dare you to find a story that makes less sense than that.  I think his lawyers watched the R Kelly episode of The Boondocks.  Look for it.

Ladies, here's Pierce Brosnan.  I guess I am just trying to win the ladies over.

Here's another one for the ladies...well the picture but not the story.  Paul Newman is rumored to have terminal lung cancer due to years of chain smoking.  Who will make us delicious lemonade and popcorn and salad dressing now?  There are differing sides to the report that he has cancer but most people say he is dying.  He's a great actor.  I love Cool Hand Luke.

Here we see a vital scene being filmed for Paris Hilton's new reality show.  Is that Jessica Simpson?  Remember last week when I was worried that Paris was pregnant?  Well I was wrong.  Apparently she is just horribly bloated from all the booze she has downed during the filming of this train wreck.  Sources close to the production are saying that she has consumed extreme amounts of liquor.  I actually am getting interesting in this new attention whore fest.

Wow!  Pam Anderson still has fans.  OK, that is me.  I still think it is 1993 and Baywatch is on the syndicated air.

A friend close to the Olsen twins revealed how they get that perfect pouty look on their face for every photo.  They say the word, "prune".  Do you know the reason they chose prune?  Prunes are all the eat so they can keep their weight at unhealthy levels.  Speaking of weight, I don't think I mentioned this but I lost 12 pounds since I was out of the hospital last.  That isn't good.

Sunday, Mischa Barton was photographed getting off what appeared to be a short bus.  Actually she was at some sort of Rennasance Fair but the short bus theory is logocial given the subject.

Thursday, Mischa Barton was photographed wearing a see-through shirt and no bra on her way to the dentist.  Geez, I am in the wrong business.  

Here's another one for the ladies.  OK, it's an old picture but ladies are you complaining?  Marky Mark is pissed off at his neighbors David and Victoria(Posh Spice) Beckham.  See they are generating too much traffic on the block due to all the British paparazzi.  Marky Mark has demanded that they move.  No word on what the Funky Bunch had to say.  I think Marky Mark should just pull up his Calvin's and chill.

This one isn't for the ladies, it's jsut a way to help me self-medicate.  This is Mario Lopez or as I will forever know him as AC Slater from Saved by the Bell.  Here's the joke...AC Slater has a really big weiner...rim shot.  Seriously go to that link and press the red button.

We scored a sneak peak of Mariah Carey's newest video shoot.  I think I know what the video is trying to say.  "Look at my boobs.  I'm so hot.  I'm Mariah.  I'm hot. I'm half-naked.  Pay attention to me."  Sadly the video is not about the existential malaise of life but it is about her boobs.

Madonna is bringing out the big guns and I'm not talking about her arms.  She has hired some of the biggest named divorce lawyers in the UK.  Personally I think she should hire Heather Mills as her attorney so that way Guy Ritchie can't get any of Madonna's fortune.

Wow!  Lindsay Lohan kissing a guy?  The earth is going to end!  Actually this is a shot from her new movie Labor Pains.  I guess she is also getting felt up for the sake of art.  So my question is, when do I get to touch her breast, everyone else has?

After that horrendous kiss with a boy...ick..we see Lindsay hugging it out with her girlfriend Samantha Ronson.  You what this means don't you?  Well it actually means nothing other than they like to hug.

Oh they are such a happy couple.  Apparently this last weekend Lindsay finally came out of the closet to her mom.  A friend overheard their conversation and from what Lindsay told her mom, she has been a lesbian for a LONG time.  Try going all the way back to her role in The Parent Trap.  Yeah I don't even want to know what happened there.  Oh and when she dated Wilmer Valderama, that was all a media stunt. Same with Aaron Carter.  Also it sounds like Lindsay has been with more women than Charlie Sheen.  Wow, this gets better every week.

It's summer and I am going to let you in on one of my fetishes.  WOMEN EATING ICE CREAM CONES!  Lily Allen eating a Pink Panther Pop...how hot is that?

Here's Kim Kardashian sucking down an ice cream cone.  Normally I'd be all how hot is that but Kim, do you know where that ice cream is going to end up?  Yeah, that butt you are trying to reduce.

I was going to play guess the ass but this is too easy.

I swear this shot has to be totally staged because it is Kim Kardashian afterall and she is known for being caught on tape.  Wow, that butt looks big for being reduced.  If you look closer at the picture above you can see moons orbiting that ba-donk-a-donk.  If you can't see the moons you definitely can see the craters from all the meteorite impacts.

Here we see Kendra Wilkinson saying, "I'm still paying for these things."  Oh by the way, the Lakers suck.

John Travolta was spotted this week trying to pull off the daddy bear look.  You know when he and tom Cruise get together on the weekends they play dress up and they dress like Yogi and Boo Boo to play "Hide the Honey Pot."

Yes, they do Jessica Simspon, yes they do...god I am so lonely I am reduced to agreeing with Jessica Simpson's t-shirt.

In other Jessica Simpson news, she is designing her own line of lingerie.  She didn't want to admit this but after agreeing with her t-shirt above she let me in on the reason why she is doing this new line of lingerie.  See the lacing on the normal lingerie is too confusing for her so her line is using velcro.  

Jennifer Garner locked her keys in her car.  Sadly she also locked her daugher Violet in the car.  After a few minutes Violet was able to open the door and all was ok.  BORING!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  Now I am going to have to get a boat to take back the Fry Daddy that I bought for their wedding present.  I need a boat because in this part of Wisconsin there is more open water than open road...rimshot.

You know, without the make-up Heidi Montag actually looks good.  She doesn't make me want to inflict damage upon anything.

But then I saw this...what sort of attention whore would pose in front of an ATM?  Oh yeah, Heidi Montag!  Quick someone steal her pin number.  It has to be something 123456 because anything else would be too confusing.  

Hayden Panettiere admitted this week to kissing her girl friends when they were growing up to perfect the craft of kissing.  Somewhere deep down inside I am hoping they videotaped those practice kisses.  You know I am offering my services to any ladies out there who want to practice kissing but they have to be over 18 because I am no R Kelly.

The Golden Girls were honored at the TV Land awards for being the hottest bitches on tv EVER!  You know they were the original Sex and the City.  The fourth Golden Girl, Estelle Getty, couldn't make it because she is retired and battling dementia.  

Gina Gershon turned 46 this week.  No word on if Bill Clinton slipped a cigar for her birthday.

Holy crap Donald Trump's hair actually moved.  That looks like some kindergarten art project or one of those magnetic doodle things with the shavings and the magnet pencil that my parents gave me on long road trips.  Those were the days.  I miss gas for under 80 cents.

Dog the Bounty Hunter and his wife Beth were out not busting criminals but looking to bust up some buffets this week.  You know he and Beth make the prettiest couple ever.  I need to get my hair up into a mullet like Dog so that I may one day find true love.  

Shocking news from Sean Combs this week.  He no longer wants to be called Diddy.  He wants to be called by his original stage name, Puff Daddy.  You know I think we should just call him Puffy McCunty.  It has a certain ring to it and that name would definitely sell millions of records.

AAAAAWWWWWWWW!  Dakota Fanning's all grown up and ready to be the next Hollywood starlett involved in scandal.  I think the first scandal are those teeth.  I bet when Dakota yawns, cars slow down...rimshot.

Apparently Brooke Hogan disapproves of her mother Linda's new relationship with a guy who was in the same grade as Brooke.  I think Brooke should be freaked out by both of her parents.  I mean they are both dating a person who looks like Brooke.  What happens if they crawl into the wrong bed?  That would be a reality tv show first.

Ashlee Simpson has decided to start showing off her pregnancy breasts.  You know that Papa Joe Simpson is going to use this photo for the family Christmas card this year.  

Amy Winehouse is such a humanitarian.  Here we see her passing ice pops to the paparazzi and children on the sidewalk.  My mom always warned me about taking ice pops from strangers unless the stranger has an album that has been certified 8 times platinum sold, then it would be ok to take an ice pop.

A friend close to Amy Winehouse released some photographs taken during some of their parties.  You know we've come to expect this behavior out of her so it is no shock.  The thing that did shock me was that Amy sag a racist song to the tune of Head Shoulders Knees and Toes...so my childhood is being officially trampled.  

Here's one of those photos that was released of Amy...that is so hot.  Seriously!  There is also a rumor of Amy "performing" on her boyfriend while humming a couple of her songs.  What talent!

Guess the breasts?  OK seeing the last three pictures were of my love Amy Winehouse it should be of no surprise that these belong to Wilford Brimley...actually it is Amy Winehouse.

Saved the best for last.  Britney Spears is jsut like me at the moment, preparing for her funeral.  Anyway she is trying to buy a burial plot near Rudolph Valentino and Marilyn Monroe.  She will be cremated and her ashes will be placed between those two stars.  Wow, I was shocked by the fact that Britney Spears knows who Rudolph Valentino was.  Now she also wants to have mixed with her ashes two of her most favorite things in the world:  frappachino powder and cheeto dust.  YES!

OK, I need to go eat my feast of macaroni and cheese and rice pudding.  I have to be on what is called a bland diet for a few days.  Sweet, I get to miss out on the all you can eat prime rib at the local restuarant on Father's Day.  Well I am out.

So this week I haven't been too active because I have been having horrible stomach problems.  I tried contacting my regular doctor but she is on vacation until the end of July(must be nice).  So I decided to wait a day and see if it was just a stomach bug. Well it didn't go away and I lied when I was asked if I had any problems.  Finally on Thursday I was at the point where I was having no comfort and I was vomiting stomach bile.  Yeah that was pretty nasty and scary.  As the next round of storms rolled through I sat in a doctor's office and watched the river rise.  The doctor I saw said that he thinks I have had a reaction to a couple of the medicines that I am on and that they possibly have formed an ulcer in my stomach.  He noticed my blood counts were down so he took a test, a test that I never want to experience again and am embarrassed to even think about now.  Well it turned up positive for blood and well I had to be admitted to the hospital.  They put me on more IVs and a different steroid.  The IVs were some stuff to hydrate me and coat my stomach so I wouldn't experience pain from a possible ulcer.  I laid and waited and the storm outside grew worse and then came all the reports of more flooding and more roads being closed.  The doctor told me that I would be having a procedure done the next morning where they would insert a camera down my throat to look into my stomach for gastritis, ulcers, or tumors, that last one made my evening.  They gave me a liquid diet.  Watched the Celtics and Lakers and then I began to sweat.  It was horrible.  I woke up once and a pool had collected in my ear.  I guess it was partly due to the 102 fever I was posting.  They woke me up at 5:30 and said I had to drink heavy before 6 because I needed to be dry.  Well I drank and drank and drank and drank.  I can't look at water the same now.  It is a cruel mistress.  I then pulled out "Choke" by Chuck Palahniuk.  I read.  They took blood.  Gave me medicine.  8am the nurse comes in and says the procedure has been canceled because the doctor performing is flooded out.  He said a car that was not his nor belonging to anyone whom he knew was floating in his front yard.  Sigh of relief.  I read my book.  they let me have some light solid food for lunch.  I read my book.  They wrote up my discharge but I had to wait for someone to pick me up.  Luckily my mom works in the hospital but in a different wing so she would take me after her shift finished.  turned out my dad got stuck at work again with all the flooding.  Thankfully the casino let's their workers stay in the hotel in cases like that.  Finished my book.  Discharged.  I have to go in Monday to have the procedure and then Tuesday to find the results.  If they are inconclusive I am worried about the next procedure the doctor said they will have to do to find out where I am bleeding.  Anyway, I need to be active so I am out.  Sorry about improper grammar, lack of aesthetics, bad punctuation, etc.  I have a lot on my mind right now and English ain't one concern.  I will try to get some activity, then do some rest and then possibly get my butt back here to do a celebrity round up.

I have been sick again.  My stomach is on fire.  The doctor told me to cut out the iron pills.  I was displaying signs of overdose even though I am only taking two a day.  I hate this crap.  I now get to sit on my throne every hour on the hour even those they are supposed to constipate a person.  What the hell is wrong with me?  What the hell is wrong with the weather?  I found some videos of Lake Delton, where I spent my childhood summers and teen and college years working.  So sad.

that last video was taken in the afternoon.  It got that bad here as well but we didn't have the damage.  I'll be back with some comic books later.

Well I suppose all of you have heard about the recent storms in the midwest.  I live in the portion of Wisconsin that has been crippled by flooding.  All the roads leading out of my town have been closed due to high water and water over the road.  Also a few bridges have been closed due to safety concerns.  Well on Sunday afternoon I went out to get some photos of the damage from Saturday's tornadic events and some of the high water.  I went out about 3pm and took some photos but not many because the rains started and this was such a heavy rain.  There is this golf course that has a river running through it.  The river was flooded and the golf course was completely underwater and nearing the highway.  When I went out for pics the water was far enough from the road to safely go by, well when these heavy rains started I decided to hightail it home.  Good thing I did because the water around that golf course was about a foot away from the road.  I got a few pictures to share.

This is outside the small town of Wonewoc, WI.  The area where I was standing to take this picture is now completely underwater.  I have never seen water on the Baraboo River move that fast. Too bad the cops couldn't give it a speeding ticket because it seemed to be moving faster than 45mph.

This was taken in Wonewoc as well.  The lady living in the trailer was not home at the time.  If she was the tree would have probably crushed her because that was her living room.  My aunt lives a few blocks away.  She told me today that she has 9 inches of water in her basement.

This is the house across the street from my friend Steve.  That tree was completely uprooted.  The people living inside the house could not get out because the tree was blocking their driveway.

This was a shredded tree in Wonewoc.  Notice all the gravel in the road?  They were doing road work about two blocks from where this photo was taken.  The force of the running rain water carried all the gravel downhill.

A tree laying across the roof of a garage in Wonewoc.

Some downed trees in the Wonewoc cemetery.

Another shredded tree in the cemetery.

A young tree snapped in the cemetery.

A tree downed laying on top of headstones.

Another downed tree in the cemetery.

An uprooted pine tree at the entrance of the trailer park in Wonewoc.

Another uprooted pine in the Wonewoc trailer park.

So those are just a few photos because of the rain.  I hope to get out tomorrow for some more pictures of flood destruction.  It is supposed to rain more tonight and will be heavy so I have no clue right now if I actually will get out. My dad had work at the casino in Wisconsin Dells last night and due to the rain we received yesterday afternoon and evening roads leading to his home were closed so he had to stay at the casino and work the morning shift because so many workers couldn't make it in for work.  Anyway I hope to get some more work done tomorrow.

OK, a day late.  Last night I was poised to write up this report but around 9:30 I sat down on my couch and just zoned.  I don't know what happened but the next thing I know it is 10:30pm and I am laying on the floor in front of my couch.  I didn't even bother getting ready for bed and just got on the couch and fell asleep.  I slept until 3AM and got some water and then turned on Springer to see people worse off than I am but the story was stupid so I went back to sleep.  Woke up at about 10AM and today I have been busy trying to get work done around the house before the storms hit.  Well they hit but not as hard as what was predicted although they are saying another round of possible tornado producing cells are headed my way.  I vacuumed and it really hurt me.  All the dust was picked up and thrown into the air so now I am hacking again.  Now I have to drag out my breathing treatments.  One of my cats is going nuts.  She just cannot settle down.  Probably due to all the weather activity.  Well enough about my crazy afternoon on to the celebrities.

It was just revealed that Vin Diesel became a father for the first time on April 2nd.  Yes, almost two months ago.  She went through an entire pregnancy and gave birth two months ago and no one gave a damn.  I guess that tells you something about the popularity of Vin Diesel.  I bet he and his boyfriend cried many tears over the failure to be recognized on this site for the last two months...yes, Vin Diesel gay jokes will never go away as long as he sticks around.

Victoria Silverstedt was seen getting out of a limo the other evening.  OK, she was a Playboy playmate so I guess showing off her baby chute isn't anything new for her but something I have noticed, why is it that when famous women go out on the town and get out of cars they always spread their legs and are wearing either see through panties or none at all?  Not that I am complaining, it's just something I have really come to notice.  Why can't I get a girlfriend that does that?

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a party last weekend to break in their new Beverly Hills mansion.  What you didn't see after this picture was taken, Tom quickly ran to the nearest bathroom and furiously washed his hands with Purell because his hands were dangerously close to Katie's vagina.   Yes, Tom Cruise gay jokes will never go away either.

Tatum O'Neal was arrested for trying to buy crack.  She tried to get out of it by telling the police that she was researching a movie role in which she would be playing a crackhead.  Needless to say that logic didn't work on the police.  Tatum has admitted to drug use.  You know who I blame?  Dancing with the Stars.  She was a contestant on that show.  Why blame that show?  Have you ever tried to watch that crap?  I mean seriously watch it.  After five minutes I was trying to pull my eyes out with the pliers.  I can definitely see how it would make a person want to smoke crack.

Here we see Sandra Bullock putting in another day's work with Ryan Reynolds.  So maybe she isn't actually giving him the Presidential treatment but it is for a new movie called The Proposal.  Sandra stars as a prickly boss who is about to be deported to her native Canada unless she marries her underling Ryan Reynolds.  Supposedly comedy ensues.  What is this, 1997?  I swear there have been at least 25 movies like this made in the last ten years.  And since when is going to Canada worse than America?  Universal health care...boggity boo Republicans!

Bruce Willis and Demi Moore's daughter, Rumer Willis actually looks presentable from this angle.  Hmmm time will tell if I change my mind about her.

Queen Latifah was photographed frolicking at the beach this week.  Some people say that the Queen is fat but I say she is just loving life but some people would say that what I mean by loving is life is enjoying too many number 4 value meals at McDonald's.

The Pussy Cat Dolls or Strippers or whatever they are called were filming a new video this week.  Apparently this video is pretty risque and MTV will never be able to air it because the FCC will fine them trillions of dollars.  So the only way this video might be screened will be on Pay Per View.  Basically I have heard reports that this video is basically a porno with worse dialog. 

A story was reported about an apparent feud between Prince and Radiohead this week.  At a recent concert, I think Coachella, Prince played Radiohead's signature song "Creep".  Funny thing is, Radiohead rarely plays this song in concert because they don't want to be remembered for just that one song.  Anyway fans recorded the Prince version and then posted the video on youtube.  Radiohead frontman Thom Yorke heard about the video after Radiohead played their set.  He went to view the video and found out that Prince and Prince's record label had the video removed.  So here sat Radiohead unable to hear someone else play their own song.  OK, maybe it isn't as bad as what I made it out to be.  I think I will take Radiohead's position in that they should be able to hear their own song.  Anyway Prince hasn't made any comment about the incident.

In other Prince news, he turned 50 today.  Minnesota's greatest musical export besides Whoopie John Wilfahrt has been making funk nasty music for many years.  I hope he doesn't steal any other of my favorite band's music.  Please release your version of "Creep".

Paris Hilton caused a stir this week when she wore this dress.  She looks pregnant.  AHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! The beast mentioned in the book of Revelation must be stopped.  Hopefully the Brad Pitt/ Angelina Jolie twin messiahs will put an end to whatever diabolical plans Paris Hilton and her demon seed have in store for the universe.

Remember when Nicki Cox was hot?  I sure do.  I think this photo should be put on the cover of a new documentary entitled, "When Lip Injections Go Bad".  For some strange reason I am in the mood to go trout and bass fishing.

Nicole Richie's handlers reported this week that she is on the verge of a mental breakdown.  I guess after being hospitalized for an eating disorder, going through a pregnancy, and then possibly getting married, a person's mental stability might begin to weaken.  She has been really worried about her boyfriend or possible husband scoring with his 14 no 15 no 18(yeah 18 is legal) year old groupies.  Did she really expect him to give up the groupies when she herself was a groupie to begin with?  Oh well I hope she pulls it together.

Nick Hogan filed a motion to be released from solitary confinement and be placed on house arrest until he turns 18.  The motion was denied.  Nick cried that jail isn't fair.  Well neither is making your friend into a vegetable for the rest of his life.  The Hogan family are a bunch of babies.

This is Nick's cell.  How lucky is that guy?  He gets a toilet/sink combo unit!  I don't even have one of those.  After I go to the bathroom I have to walk over to the sink.  He can sit and dump and wash his hands in one unit.  He also gets his own shower so he isn't getting plugged.  If you feel sorry for that chump, maybe you should start to feel sorry for the guy that was a victim of Nick's reckless driving and that had to have a portion of his frontal lobe removed and in doing so will never be able to recognize his family or their voices again.

On to something hotter, Megan Fox was interviewed this week and she said that she had the libido of a teenage boy and that instead of going out on the town she would rather stay home and have non-stop sex.  Wow, we're perfect for each other.  I have the libido of a teenage boy even though I am no teenager but lately the meds I am taking have made my libido rise.  Seriously, Megan, call me.

This is Maxi Mounds.  She just was recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records for having the world's largest implants.  They are 36MMM, yeah, mmmm, is like it.  I think a session of motorboating with her would end in suffocation.

You know, being lesbian really agrees with Lindsay Lohan.  She is really improving her look.  No longer does she look like a 45 year old cocktail waitress but now she looks like a 35 year old cocktail waitress.

So Hulk Hogan is dating a woman that looks exactly like his daughter Brooke, so it shouldn't be surprising that Linda Hogan date someone that looks like Nick.  Well that isn't exactly the case.  I think this guy looks more like Brooke than Nick and he is also the same age as Brooke, 19.  Just when it couldn't get any creepier, this guy that Linda is now dating used to be friends with Nick and they played youth soccer together.  This is starting to be like one of those porn sites where moms hook up with their son's friends but of course the moms on those sites look like women and not a generic brand plastic Barbie.

Lily Allen changed her hair color this week.  She also got totally wasted at the Woman of the Year awards in the UK.  I love how she is skillfully hiding her face with an award that she won.  Next time she gets drunk, I expect to see her balancing an encyclopedia on her head. 

After singing about Satan for all these years, KISS finally met him this week.

Guess the ass!  OK, this one isn't hard but the story of how this ass got photographed is because it went to a furniture store for specialized furniture to fit that ba-donk-a-donk.  Yes, it is Kim Kardashian.

Kevin Federline is the new Father of the Year.  He was given the award by High Times magazine.  Reportedly he the award included a pimp cup, lap dances, and body shots.  What are they smoking at that magazine when they give him that award?  Oh yeah, High Times, nevermind.

Ummmm, Kendra Wilkinson, that underwear, well it doesn't go on your head.  OK, I'll give her the benefit of a doubt.  In the three or four years since she has appeared in Playboy, she probably hasn't worn any form of underwear.  Classy!

Kelsey Grammar had a heart attack this week.  No it wasn't while he was having sex with his wife like his last heart attack but it was while he was swimming in the ocean.  Apparently his heart just stopped.  The good news is that he will recover fully.

Keira Knightley is supposedly set to play Eliza Doolittle in a remake of "My Fair Lady".  Do we really need this?  No, we don't need any more remakes.  We need original ideas to come out of Hollywood instead of butchered classics.

Guess the bare ass!  Well this one might be tough.  It is Kate Walsh.  Any female celebrities that read this should realize that when it comes to wind versus a dress, the wind will always win.

Kate Beckinsale opened her fool mouth again.  If you remember anything about what I have reported you will know that whatever she says deals with sex or vaginas.  Earlier this year she said that the best feature on her body is her vagina.  Then she said that she would rather "eat" vagina than eat sushi.  Now she says that there are only two types of women in the world: those who cook and those who are good at sex.  She is in the good at sex category according to her.  She also said she doesn't cook.  Hmm so I wonder if she calls for takeout?  I wonder if she would call me for takeout and sex.  Then we could film it and then distribute the tape and then I could get famous.   See I now I have learned that the only way a person can get famous these days is to have a sex tape.  So I did read a study that said that 1 in 3 Americans have appeared nude on film.  So any of my readers fit in that one third care to send me samples?

Johnny Rotten, of the Sex Pistols, had his teeth fixed.  He is rotten no more.  Of course this is a before picture.  So what does this mean?  Punk Rock is officially dead.  No longer can any band classify themselves as punk.

Wow, Jessica Alba looks hot in that bikini.  I think more women should wear bikinis while they are pregnant.  OK, I'm a deviant.

Here's one for the ladies.  If you don't know who he is, that is because it is Jason Mraz.  He posted this on his myspace blog along with his complaints about being a vegan and suffering from jet lag.  I am sure that he will turn his rants on veganism and jet lag into some sort of crappy song.

Gina Gershon, the possible reason Obama won the Democratic primary?  Probably not but an article came out this week claiming that she and Bill Clinton had an affair while Bill was president.  I guess it makes sense given his penchant for oral sex and the fact that Gina's mouth has brought down more wood across the United States than Paul Bunyan's ax. 

This week as a promotional stunt Eva Longoria went back to the Wendy's where she worked as a teenager to take orders.  For some strange reason I always had a feeling that she'd end up back at Wendy's.

Ed McMahon's Beverly Hills house is going into foreclosure.  Man, this economy really sucks if Ed McMahon is losing his house.  Of course he really isn't going to be homeless, it's just that he hasn't been able to sell it and guess who and what he blames for his failure to sell his house?  Britney Spears and the paparazzi.  Yeah she lives on the same block and apparently prospective buyers do not want to own any property near her crazy ass.  Maybe Ed should enter his sweepstakes as a way to raise money to avoid foreclosure.

Not to sound gay, but do you remember when Ashton Kutcher was considered to be the attractive one of this couple?  Demi needs to get a younger guy but she sort of has a pregnant bloat look going on so I doubt that she will leave Ashton.  If she is pregnant, I don't think she can do any worse than her first batch of kids...see Rumer Willis above.

This is Cynthia Nixon of Sex and the City fame and her "partner".  Cynthia is the woman on the right.  OK that person on the left, well that is Cynthia's girlfriend, yes that is a girlfriend.  Apparently Cynthia is upset with her partner because she dresses too much like a man and that Rojo Caliente doesn't like dressing like a woman and cries when Cynthia tries to get her to wear a dress.  I think Rojo won the Butch Lesbian of the Year award.  My advice to Cynthia is that if you are going to date someone that dresses so much like a man that she appears to be a man you might as well date a man, give me a call.

I knew this was bound to happen one day.  Courtney Love can't find Kurt Cobain's ashes.  She reported them stolen to the police.  She said that someone stole the ashes which she keeps inside a pink teddy bear.  I think the police need to first check her nostrils and then her veins and then look for all the pink teddy bear thieves out there and then if they still have no suspects, well then they blame Keith Richards, who supposedly smoked his father's ashes.

AH! It's Coco.  I haven't had much to say about her lately.  I missed her.  She is achieving mind boggling elegance.  Her true beauty is astonishing.  If Hollywood remakes any movie they should cast her in Marilyn Monroe's role from The Seven Year Itch and could you imagine a remake of the scene where Marilyn stands over the vent and it blows up her dress.  Well it would be hard to remake with Coco because of how tight she wears everything but of course that can be a good thing.  Damn, I want to have her babies or at least attempt to make babies with her.

Speaking of an itch...Christina Aguilera has been accused of being an unfit mother.  She claims that she spends all day with her son so that makes it alright for her to spend all night at the clubs.  Oh yeah, spiked breat milk is great for babies.  I don't care how much water a woman who is nursing drinks, it can still mess things up.  I think Christina has been skipping the Baby and Me classes for the Vodka and Me classes.  

On the left we see Chace Crawford, star of Gossip Girl.  I am not going to make a straight comment or a gay comment.  I am just going to let you draw your own conclusion as you look at him attempt to deepthroat that longneck Bud.

This is Brooke Mueller.  She is Charlie Sheen's new wife.  Yeah, apparently when he first saw her, this was all he saw.  In a strange coincidence, since Charlie Sheen's wedding last weekend, the escort industry has plunged 85%.  Man, this economy really sucks.  The funny thing to look at is the porn industry.  In the last 30 years, when the porn industry is down then the national economy is down, when the porn industry is up then the rest of the economy is up.  So what am I saying?  BUY PORN!(for those old enough)

This is Brody Jenner and this is for the ladies.  I can't really stand the guy.  He might as well have DOUCHE tattooed down his side with his AXE body spray sweat and Budweiser breath...oh who am I kidding, I am jealous.

Bo Diddley passed away this week.  Farewell and R.I.P. Bo.  

There was a major news story earlier this week that Brad and Angelina had their babies but the story was false yet so many news outlets reported it.  No messiahs have been born.  Supposedly they are being offered upwards of $15 million for exclusive photo rights to their twins.  What the hell is wrong with magazines?  That is ridiculous.  Most newborns look the same, all wrinkly and sleepy.  Why pay $15mil for that?

MORE VACATIONERS!!!!!!!!!!!! OK they aren't famous but they want to be.  On the left is Amy Alexander.  She was a contestant on the UK's version of Big Brother.  Her and her friend are training for the 2008 Attention Whore Olympics.  Their training is working.

Guess the ass!!!!  This one is a stretch.  She won Britain's Next Top Model.  Her name is Abigail Clancy.  That sight is breathtaking.

Wow! 50 Cent is so much like me.  Driving a Lamborgini and pissing on the side of the gas station wall.  It's like we are twins.

For some reason photos of Britney Spears from 2007 are being released.  This is when she started her downward spiral into insanity and reminds us of her timeless beauty.

Remember that Pussycat Dolls video I was talking about earlier?  Well part of the reason it is supposedly going to be extra raunchy is that Britney has a cameo.  Rumor has it that the cameo is Britney getting into a car accident and then beats the other car with an umbrella.  No, that isn't a joke, it has serious potential.  Here's the joke, I think my ears will choke on vomit when that song comes out.

Oh how cute!  Britney and High Times father of the year K-Fed.  Well Jamie Spears, Brit's father, realizes that his daughter needs some stability in her life and that while she was married to K-Fed she did have some stability.  He has offered K-Fed $5million to remarry Britney.  Of course K-Fed refused to remarry her...for that amount.  He wants $20million plus he will not sign a prenup.  Oh that K-Fed, once a whore always a whore.  My question is, does Britney really need this?  Get her in an insane asylum or rehab center and force her to stay there for a year so she gets sober and mentally stable and then take it from there.

Well I hope you enjoyed.  I finished just as the next band of storms are entering the area.

I feel so drugged out.  At least today I ended my cycle with my antibiotics but the other stuff has really got me going. It is hard to describe the feeling.  Basically it feels like my body is about six inches outside of itself.  Like I can feel myself coming out of my shell and sort of hovering six inches in front of where my actual body starts.  I don't know.  Maybe I need more sleep.  That would be nice but we have all these thunderstorms moving through and well it is hard for me to sleep during those.  Well I think it is time to make fun of some crappy tattoos.

I asked myself many months ago, if I could find a Barack Obama tattoo.  The answer to that question my fellow Americans is YES I CAN!

Zombies Ate My Neighbors....and then gave me this tattoo.  Do you remember that game?  I loved it.

If you like her SNES shoulder tattoos, you should see her Sega Dreamcast tramp stamp.

Yeah that is most definitely a great cover-up.  Rock and Roll Christ....maybe he is just a fan of Jesus Christ Superstar.

I often wonder the thought process women go through when they choose to get tattoos in areas that they dislike men staring.  I mean if I really admired this tattoo and wanted to look at the intricacy would I get in trouble?  Well, I would. 

So I am trying to figure out what got covered up and how that mess makes it look better.  Why not cover it up with some nice flesh colored ink and that way everyone wins?

Why would you be proud of that tattoo?  It baffles my mind.

I am trying to figure out which is worse: the tattoo or the haircut.

When Toby Keith saw this before and after, he masturbated because that is how much he loves America.  How about you?

This tattoo is now classified as an endangered species.

Strangely that is her family crest.

This is the new official worst tattoo ever.

Hillary, you failed!  Move on.

I think I am off to bed.  Will be back with a celebrity round up tomorrow evening.