OK, a day late.  Last night I was poised to write up this report but around 9:30 I sat down on my couch and just zoned.  I don't know what happened but the next thing I know it is 10:30pm and I am laying on the floor in front of my couch.  I didn't even bother getting ready for bed and just got on the couch and fell asleep.  I slept until 3AM and got some water and then turned on Springer to see people worse off than I am but the story was stupid so I went back to sleep.  Woke up at about 10AM and today I have been busy trying to get work done around the house before the storms hit.  Well they hit but not as hard as what was predicted although they are saying another round of possible tornado producing cells are headed my way.  I vacuumed and it really hurt me.  All the dust was picked up and thrown into the air so now I am hacking again.  Now I have to drag out my breathing treatments.  One of my cats is going nuts.  She just cannot settle down.  Probably due to all the weather activity.  Well enough about my crazy afternoon on to the celebrities.

It was just revealed that Vin Diesel became a father for the first time on April 2nd.  Yes, almost two months ago.  She went through an entire pregnancy and gave birth two months ago and no one gave a damn.  I guess that tells you something about the popularity of Vin Diesel.  I bet he and his boyfriend cried many tears over the failure to be recognized on this site for the last two months...yes, Vin Diesel gay jokes will never go away as long as he sticks around.

Victoria Silverstedt was seen getting out of a limo the other evening.  OK, she was a Playboy playmate so I guess showing off her baby chute isn't anything new for her but something I have noticed, why is it that when famous women go out on the town and get out of cars they always spread their legs and are wearing either see through panties or none at all?  Not that I am complaining, it's just something I have really come to notice.  Why can't I get a girlfriend that does that?

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a party last weekend to break in their new Beverly Hills mansion.  What you didn't see after this picture was taken, Tom quickly ran to the nearest bathroom and furiously washed his hands with Purell because his hands were dangerously close to Katie's vagina.   Yes, Tom Cruise gay jokes will never go away either.

Tatum O'Neal was arrested for trying to buy crack.  She tried to get out of it by telling the police that she was researching a movie role in which she would be playing a crackhead.  Needless to say that logic didn't work on the police.  Tatum has admitted to drug use.  You know who I blame?  Dancing with the Stars.  She was a contestant on that show.  Why blame that show?  Have you ever tried to watch that crap?  I mean seriously watch it.  After five minutes I was trying to pull my eyes out with the pliers.  I can definitely see how it would make a person want to smoke crack.

Here we see Sandra Bullock putting in another day's work with Ryan Reynolds.  So maybe she isn't actually giving him the Presidential treatment but it is for a new movie called The Proposal.  Sandra stars as a prickly boss who is about to be deported to her native Canada unless she marries her underling Ryan Reynolds.  Supposedly comedy ensues.  What is this, 1997?  I swear there have been at least 25 movies like this made in the last ten years.  And since when is going to Canada worse than America?  Universal health care...boggity boo Republicans!

Bruce Willis and Demi Moore's daughter, Rumer Willis actually looks presentable from this angle.  Hmmm time will tell if I change my mind about her.

Queen Latifah was photographed frolicking at the beach this week.  Some people say that the Queen is fat but I say she is just loving life but some people would say that what I mean by loving is life is enjoying too many number 4 value meals at McDonald's.

The Pussy Cat Dolls or Strippers or whatever they are called were filming a new video this week.  Apparently this video is pretty risque and MTV will never be able to air it because the FCC will fine them trillions of dollars.  So the only way this video might be screened will be on Pay Per View.  Basically I have heard reports that this video is basically a porno with worse dialog. 

A story was reported about an apparent feud between Prince and Radiohead this week.  At a recent concert, I think Coachella, Prince played Radiohead's signature song "Creep".  Funny thing is, Radiohead rarely plays this song in concert because they don't want to be remembered for just that one song.  Anyway fans recorded the Prince version and then posted the video on youtube.  Radiohead frontman Thom Yorke heard about the video after Radiohead played their set.  He went to view the video and found out that Prince and Prince's record label had the video removed.  So here sat Radiohead unable to hear someone else play their own song.  OK, maybe it isn't as bad as what I made it out to be.  I think I will take Radiohead's position in that they should be able to hear their own song.  Anyway Prince hasn't made any comment about the incident.

In other Prince news, he turned 50 today.  Minnesota's greatest musical export besides Whoopie John Wilfahrt has been making funk nasty music for many years.  I hope he doesn't steal any other of my favorite band's music.  Please release your version of "Creep".

Paris Hilton caused a stir this week when she wore this dress.  She looks pregnant.  AHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! The beast mentioned in the book of Revelation must be stopped.  Hopefully the Brad Pitt/ Angelina Jolie twin messiahs will put an end to whatever diabolical plans Paris Hilton and her demon seed have in store for the universe.

Remember when Nicki Cox was hot?  I sure do.  I think this photo should be put on the cover of a new documentary entitled, "When Lip Injections Go Bad".  For some strange reason I am in the mood to go trout and bass fishing.

Nicole Richie's handlers reported this week that she is on the verge of a mental breakdown.  I guess after being hospitalized for an eating disorder, going through a pregnancy, and then possibly getting married, a person's mental stability might begin to weaken.  She has been really worried about her boyfriend or possible husband scoring with his 14 no 15 no 18(yeah 18 is legal) year old groupies.  Did she really expect him to give up the groupies when she herself was a groupie to begin with?  Oh well I hope she pulls it together.

Nick Hogan filed a motion to be released from solitary confinement and be placed on house arrest until he turns 18.  The motion was denied.  Nick cried that jail isn't fair.  Well neither is making your friend into a vegetable for the rest of his life.  The Hogan family are a bunch of babies.

This is Nick's cell.  How lucky is that guy?  He gets a toilet/sink combo unit!  I don't even have one of those.  After I go to the bathroom I have to walk over to the sink.  He can sit and dump and wash his hands in one unit.  He also gets his own shower so he isn't getting plugged.  If you feel sorry for that chump, maybe you should start to feel sorry for the guy that was a victim of Nick's reckless driving and that had to have a portion of his frontal lobe removed and in doing so will never be able to recognize his family or their voices again.

On to something hotter, Megan Fox was interviewed this week and she said that she had the libido of a teenage boy and that instead of going out on the town she would rather stay home and have non-stop sex.  Wow, we're perfect for each other.  I have the libido of a teenage boy even though I am no teenager but lately the meds I am taking have made my libido rise.  Seriously, Megan, call me.

This is Maxi Mounds.  She just was recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records for having the world's largest implants.  They are 36MMM, yeah, mmmm, is like it.  I think a session of motorboating with her would end in suffocation.

You know, being lesbian really agrees with Lindsay Lohan.  She is really improving her look.  No longer does she look like a 45 year old cocktail waitress but now she looks like a 35 year old cocktail waitress.

So Hulk Hogan is dating a woman that looks exactly like his daughter Brooke, so it shouldn't be surprising that Linda Hogan date someone that looks like Nick.  Well that isn't exactly the case.  I think this guy looks more like Brooke than Nick and he is also the same age as Brooke, 19.  Just when it couldn't get any creepier, this guy that Linda is now dating used to be friends with Nick and they played youth soccer together.  This is starting to be like one of those porn sites where moms hook up with their son's friends but of course the moms on those sites look like women and not a generic brand plastic Barbie.

Lily Allen changed her hair color this week.  She also got totally wasted at the Woman of the Year awards in the UK.  I love how she is skillfully hiding her face with an award that she won.  Next time she gets drunk, I expect to see her balancing an encyclopedia on her head. 

After singing about Satan for all these years, KISS finally met him this week.

Guess the ass!  OK, this one isn't hard but the story of how this ass got photographed is because it went to a furniture store for specialized furniture to fit that ba-donk-a-donk.  Yes, it is Kim Kardashian.

Kevin Federline is the new Father of the Year.  He was given the award by High Times magazine.  Reportedly he the award included a pimp cup, lap dances, and body shots.  What are they smoking at that magazine when they give him that award?  Oh yeah, High Times, nevermind.

Ummmm, Kendra Wilkinson, that underwear, well it doesn't go on your head.  OK, I'll give her the benefit of a doubt.  In the three or four years since she has appeared in Playboy, she probably hasn't worn any form of underwear.  Classy!

Kelsey Grammar had a heart attack this week.  No it wasn't while he was having sex with his wife like his last heart attack but it was while he was swimming in the ocean.  Apparently his heart just stopped.  The good news is that he will recover fully.

Keira Knightley is supposedly set to play Eliza Doolittle in a remake of "My Fair Lady".  Do we really need this?  No, we don't need any more remakes.  We need original ideas to come out of Hollywood instead of butchered classics.

Guess the bare ass!  Well this one might be tough.  It is Kate Walsh.  Any female celebrities that read this should realize that when it comes to wind versus a dress, the wind will always win.

Kate Beckinsale opened her fool mouth again.  If you remember anything about what I have reported you will know that whatever she says deals with sex or vaginas.  Earlier this year she said that the best feature on her body is her vagina.  Then she said that she would rather "eat" vagina than eat sushi.  Now she says that there are only two types of women in the world: those who cook and those who are good at sex.  She is in the good at sex category according to her.  She also said she doesn't cook.  Hmm so I wonder if she calls for takeout?  I wonder if she would call me for takeout and sex.  Then we could film it and then distribute the tape and then I could get famous.   See I now I have learned that the only way a person can get famous these days is to have a sex tape.  So I did read a study that said that 1 in 3 Americans have appeared nude on film.  So any of my readers fit in that one third care to send me samples?

Johnny Rotten, of the Sex Pistols, had his teeth fixed.  He is rotten no more.  Of course this is a before picture.  So what does this mean?  Punk Rock is officially dead.  No longer can any band classify themselves as punk.

Wow, Jessica Alba looks hot in that bikini.  I think more women should wear bikinis while they are pregnant.  OK, I'm a deviant.

Here's one for the ladies.  If you don't know who he is, that is because it is Jason Mraz.  He posted this on his myspace blog along with his complaints about being a vegan and suffering from jet lag.  I am sure that he will turn his rants on veganism and jet lag into some sort of crappy song.

Gina Gershon, the possible reason Obama won the Democratic primary?  Probably not but an article came out this week claiming that she and Bill Clinton had an affair while Bill was president.  I guess it makes sense given his penchant for oral sex and the fact that Gina's mouth has brought down more wood across the United States than Paul Bunyan's ax. 

This week as a promotional stunt Eva Longoria went back to the Wendy's where she worked as a teenager to take orders.  For some strange reason I always had a feeling that she'd end up back at Wendy's.

Ed McMahon's Beverly Hills house is going into foreclosure.  Man, this economy really sucks if Ed McMahon is losing his house.  Of course he really isn't going to be homeless, it's just that he hasn't been able to sell it and guess who and what he blames for his failure to sell his house?  Britney Spears and the paparazzi.  Yeah she lives on the same block and apparently prospective buyers do not want to own any property near her crazy ass.  Maybe Ed should enter his sweepstakes as a way to raise money to avoid foreclosure.

Not to sound gay, but do you remember when Ashton Kutcher was considered to be the attractive one of this couple?  Demi needs to get a younger guy but she sort of has a pregnant bloat look going on so I doubt that she will leave Ashton.  If she is pregnant, I don't think she can do any worse than her first batch of kids...see Rumer Willis above.

This is Cynthia Nixon of Sex and the City fame and her "partner".  Cynthia is the woman on the right.  OK that person on the left, well that is Cynthia's girlfriend, yes that is a girlfriend.  Apparently Cynthia is upset with her partner because she dresses too much like a man and that Rojo Caliente doesn't like dressing like a woman and cries when Cynthia tries to get her to wear a dress.  I think Rojo won the Butch Lesbian of the Year award.  My advice to Cynthia is that if you are going to date someone that dresses so much like a man that she appears to be a man you might as well date a man, give me a call.

I knew this was bound to happen one day.  Courtney Love can't find Kurt Cobain's ashes.  She reported them stolen to the police.  She said that someone stole the ashes which she keeps inside a pink teddy bear.  I think the police need to first check her nostrils and then her veins and then look for all the pink teddy bear thieves out there and then if they still have no suspects, well then they blame Keith Richards, who supposedly smoked his father's ashes.

AH! It's Coco.  I haven't had much to say about her lately.  I missed her.  She is achieving mind boggling elegance.  Her true beauty is astonishing.  If Hollywood remakes any movie they should cast her in Marilyn Monroe's role from The Seven Year Itch and could you imagine a remake of the scene where Marilyn stands over the vent and it blows up her dress.  Well it would be hard to remake with Coco because of how tight she wears everything but of course that can be a good thing.  Damn, I want to have her babies or at least attempt to make babies with her.

Speaking of an itch...Christina Aguilera has been accused of being an unfit mother.  She claims that she spends all day with her son so that makes it alright for her to spend all night at the clubs.  Oh yeah, spiked breat milk is great for babies.  I don't care how much water a woman who is nursing drinks, it can still mess things up.  I think Christina has been skipping the Baby and Me classes for the Vodka and Me classes.  

On the left we see Chace Crawford, star of Gossip Girl.  I am not going to make a straight comment or a gay comment.  I am just going to let you draw your own conclusion as you look at him attempt to deepthroat that longneck Bud.

This is Brooke Mueller.  She is Charlie Sheen's new wife.  Yeah, apparently when he first saw her, this was all he saw.  In a strange coincidence, since Charlie Sheen's wedding last weekend, the escort industry has plunged 85%.  Man, this economy really sucks.  The funny thing to look at is the porn industry.  In the last 30 years, when the porn industry is down then the national economy is down, when the porn industry is up then the rest of the economy is up.  So what am I saying?  BUY PORN!(for those old enough)

This is Brody Jenner and this is for the ladies.  I can't really stand the guy.  He might as well have DOUCHE tattooed down his side with his AXE body spray sweat and Budweiser breath...oh who am I kidding, I am jealous.

Bo Diddley passed away this week.  Farewell and R.I.P. Bo.  

There was a major news story earlier this week that Brad and Angelina had their babies but the story was false yet so many news outlets reported it.  No messiahs have been born.  Supposedly they are being offered upwards of $15 million for exclusive photo rights to their twins.  What the hell is wrong with magazines?  That is ridiculous.  Most newborns look the same, all wrinkly and sleepy.  Why pay $15mil for that?

MORE VACATIONERS!!!!!!!!!!!! OK they aren't famous but they want to be.  On the left is Amy Alexander.  She was a contestant on the UK's version of Big Brother.  Her and her friend are training for the 2008 Attention Whore Olympics.  Their training is working.

Guess the ass!!!!  This one is a stretch.  She won Britain's Next Top Model.  Her name is Abigail Clancy.  That sight is breathtaking.

Wow! 50 Cent is so much like me.  Driving a Lamborgini and pissing on the side of the gas station wall.  It's like we are twins.

For some reason photos of Britney Spears from 2007 are being released.  This is when she started her downward spiral into insanity and reminds us of her timeless beauty.

Remember that Pussycat Dolls video I was talking about earlier?  Well part of the reason it is supposedly going to be extra raunchy is that Britney has a cameo.  Rumor has it that the cameo is Britney getting into a car accident and then beats the other car with an umbrella.  No, that isn't a joke, it has serious potential.  Here's the joke, I think my ears will choke on vomit when that song comes out.

Oh how cute!  Britney and High Times father of the year K-Fed.  Well Jamie Spears, Brit's father, realizes that his daughter needs some stability in her life and that while she was married to K-Fed she did have some stability.  He has offered K-Fed $5million to remarry Britney.  Of course K-Fed refused to remarry her...for that amount.  He wants $20million plus he will not sign a prenup.  Oh that K-Fed, once a whore always a whore.  My question is, does Britney really need this?  Get her in an insane asylum or rehab center and force her to stay there for a year so she gets sober and mentally stable and then take it from there.

Well I hope you enjoyed.  I finished just as the next band of storms are entering the area.