OK, I am back.  Got some work done and some rest.  I am torn up right.  Got a lot of emotions and a lot of hopes but the way things have been going I think all my hopes and dreams will be dashed on the rocks of reality.  Well I know one thing is certain, famous people will be stupid and I will make fun of them. Oh and there will also always be hot chicks.

For those of who don't know who this is, she is Zooey Deschanel.  She is really cute and her cleavage is really happening.  I have enjoyed her since her role in my all time favorite movie, Almost Famous.  I am going to sing her praises and say she is very talented and worthy of respect.  She is much better than all the attention whores that predominate this site.  Too bad she is currently in M Night Shamaylan's new movie The Happening.  I had to look for the surprise twist and I don't think I am going to see this movie.

Here's one for the ladies.  I guess I am going to do that a lot this week.  I am just trying to get girls to like me.  Yeah as if that would happen.  Sitting alone in a hospital room really got me thinking about love and marriage...anyway this is William H. Macy and that is one hell of a muff-duster.  I wish I could grow one but thanks to burning my lip with a lit cigarette when I was 3, I have this open spot on my lip where the hair won't grow.  Ladies, I bet you are thinking, "That William H. Macy is a DILF!" Well check him out in The Cooler.

Jessica Alba gave birth to a daughter named Honor Marie Warren.  All I can think is that is one lucky kid, going to be oh so close to that chest....see I am so alone.

Jessica Alba's water broke and the levies in Iowa broke.  She explained the reason why she named her daughter Honor is because she said it was an honor to have Cash Warren's baby.  When little baby Honor heard that she barfed.

Not to be upstage by Jessica Alba, Tori Spelling gave birth to a daughter.  She had her c-section a day later at 11am and then her liposuction and tummy tuck at 2pm.  What a trooper!  Lugging those duffel bags all over the place...dang.

Tori looks a little "off" in this picture but anyway she named her daughter Stella Doreen just in case you cared.

It was reported this week that Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson are a couple once again.  It's fitting seeing they have slept with everyone in Hollywood.  They have come full circle.  Hahahaha...come.  Let's see greatest romantic couples in history...Romeo and Juliet, Antony and Cleopatra, Rhett and Scarlett, yeah Pam and Tommy belong in that category.

I was saddened to learn yesterday that Tim Russert of Meet the Press died yesterday at the age of 58. I really enjoyed his style of interviewing.  He was fairer and more balanced than FOX News will ever hope to be.  Tim Russert will definitely be missed.

I can't believe I go from Tim Russert to Tila Tequila but here goes.  She was interviewed on the red carpet at the Bravo A-List Awards and she begged Lindsay Lohan to come out of the closet.  I think it is a trick to get Lindsay to be a contestant on Tila's show A Shot at Love.

Speaking of her show, at the premire of some crappy summer movie Tila claimed that the reason why California repealed the ban on gay marriage was her show abotu bisexuality.  She says the show is helping the gay movement become mainstream.  Reality check time:  her show isn't making the gay movement come to the mainstream but she is making the "I'm a Total Whore Seeking Attention" movement come to national attention.  Also I read a report this week that said 26% of New Yorkers have herpes.  So Tila at some time in her life must have set foot in New York therefore she must be responsible for the herpes outbreaks.  See I can be as stupid as Tila and as fair and balanced as FOX News.

This is Shauna Sand trying to get out of a car.  She is a former Playboy model and current attention whore.  She was married to Lorenzo Lamas and they spawned an attention whore who was on The Bachelor.  Anyway those nipples are the sickest thing I have ever seen.  I mean with all the implants this woman claims to have had, those things look like they need to be inflated with a bike pump or maybe they fell off and were stapled on.  
I frequently talk about how celebrity women are stupid when they get out of cars, well this is Shauna Sand in the same sequence.  A paparazzi member, after getting a pic of the stapled on nipples captured Shauna exiting the car over her boyfriend.  Just a warning, don't zoom in because even though she is wearing underwear it doesn't do a lot of coverage and well I think she has had work done because it looks as fake as her stapled on nipples.

I love this pic of Shauna Sand.  Standing on a street corner...yeah it is pretty much telling you that she is a whore.  Most men are not able to afford to park in her box of lucite treasures.

It turns out the reason why George Clooney broke up with his girlfriend Sarah Larson is because she went and got implants and he only likes natural women.  Man, it is nice to see another guy out there thinks the same way I do, if a girl with implants were to come my way and want to actually show affection I guess I wouldn't break up with her.  

While promoting the new Incredible Hulk movie, yes, Incredible Hulk(I'll get to that later), Robert Downey Jr. talked about how he cleaned himself up and became sober.  He was driving around LA with a trunk full of drugs sort of like an ode to Hunter S Thompson.  He stopped at a Burger King to get something to eat and he claims whatever he ordered was the worst food he ever had.  The food was so bad that it made him drive to the ocean and dump all his drugs and also made him feel that something bad was going to happen.  Yeah usually after I eat at Burger King something bad happens, just ask my colon.  OK, now here's the deal with The Incredible Hulk.  Edward Norton was so gung-ho about making this movie work because of how Ang Lee screwed up the previous Hulk movie.  Well Norton didn't get his way so now he refuses to promote the movie.  This has led the producers to have Robert Downey promote and they have used the twist surprise ending in the new trailers on TV.  Yeah, they gave away the twist because Edward Norton is a sniveling little bitch.  I wanted to be surprised.  Oh well, I'll wait for the DVD.

Let's analyze this story and I am graphic because the story is graphic.  R Kelly fucks and pisses on an underage girl.  R Kelly films these acts.  R Kelly arrested.  R Kelly writes sappy rap opera about his ordeals called In The Closet probably based on his sexuality.  R Kelly taken to trial and lawyers claim the male in the movie has a mole that R Kelly doesn't have.  R Kelly found not guilty.  I dare you to find a story that makes less sense than that.  I think his lawyers watched the R Kelly episode of The Boondocks.  Look for it.

Ladies, here's Pierce Brosnan.  I guess I am just trying to win the ladies over.

Here's another one for the ladies...well the picture but not the story.  Paul Newman is rumored to have terminal lung cancer due to years of chain smoking.  Who will make us delicious lemonade and popcorn and salad dressing now?  There are differing sides to the report that he has cancer but most people say he is dying.  He's a great actor.  I love Cool Hand Luke.

Here we see a vital scene being filmed for Paris Hilton's new reality show.  Is that Jessica Simpson?  Remember last week when I was worried that Paris was pregnant?  Well I was wrong.  Apparently she is just horribly bloated from all the booze she has downed during the filming of this train wreck.  Sources close to the production are saying that she has consumed extreme amounts of liquor.  I actually am getting interesting in this new attention whore fest.

Wow!  Pam Anderson still has fans.  OK, that is me.  I still think it is 1993 and Baywatch is on the syndicated air.

A friend close to the Olsen twins revealed how they get that perfect pouty look on their face for every photo.  They say the word, "prune".  Do you know the reason they chose prune?  Prunes are all the eat so they can keep their weight at unhealthy levels.  Speaking of weight, I don't think I mentioned this but I lost 12 pounds since I was out of the hospital last.  That isn't good.

Sunday, Mischa Barton was photographed getting off what appeared to be a short bus.  Actually she was at some sort of Rennasance Fair but the short bus theory is logocial given the subject.

Thursday, Mischa Barton was photographed wearing a see-through shirt and no bra on her way to the dentist.  Geez, I am in the wrong business.  

Here's another one for the ladies.  OK, it's an old picture but ladies are you complaining?  Marky Mark is pissed off at his neighbors David and Victoria(Posh Spice) Beckham.  See they are generating too much traffic on the block due to all the British paparazzi.  Marky Mark has demanded that they move.  No word on what the Funky Bunch had to say.  I think Marky Mark should just pull up his Calvin's and chill.

This one isn't for the ladies, it's jsut a way to help me self-medicate.  This is Mario Lopez or as I will forever know him as AC Slater from Saved by the Bell.  Here's the joke...AC Slater has a really big weiner...rim shot.  Seriously go to that link and press the red button.

We scored a sneak peak of Mariah Carey's newest video shoot.  I think I know what the video is trying to say.  "Look at my boobs.  I'm so hot.  I'm Mariah.  I'm hot. I'm half-naked.  Pay attention to me."  Sadly the video is not about the existential malaise of life but it is about her boobs.

Madonna is bringing out the big guns and I'm not talking about her arms.  She has hired some of the biggest named divorce lawyers in the UK.  Personally I think she should hire Heather Mills as her attorney so that way Guy Ritchie can't get any of Madonna's fortune.

Wow!  Lindsay Lohan kissing a guy?  The earth is going to end!  Actually this is a shot from her new movie Labor Pains.  I guess she is also getting felt up for the sake of art.  So my question is, when do I get to touch her breast, everyone else has?

After that horrendous kiss with a boy...ick..we see Lindsay hugging it out with her girlfriend Samantha Ronson.  You what this means don't you?  Well it actually means nothing other than they like to hug.

Oh they are such a happy couple.  Apparently this last weekend Lindsay finally came out of the closet to her mom.  A friend overheard their conversation and from what Lindsay told her mom, she has been a lesbian for a LONG time.  Try going all the way back to her role in The Parent Trap.  Yeah I don't even want to know what happened there.  Oh and when she dated Wilmer Valderama, that was all a media stunt. Same with Aaron Carter.  Also it sounds like Lindsay has been with more women than Charlie Sheen.  Wow, this gets better every week.

It's summer and I am going to let you in on one of my fetishes.  WOMEN EATING ICE CREAM CONES!  Lily Allen eating a Pink Panther Pop...how hot is that?

Here's Kim Kardashian sucking down an ice cream cone.  Normally I'd be all how hot is that but Kim, do you know where that ice cream is going to end up?  Yeah, that butt you are trying to reduce.

I was going to play guess the ass but this is too easy.

I swear this shot has to be totally staged because it is Kim Kardashian afterall and she is known for being caught on tape.  Wow, that butt looks big for being reduced.  If you look closer at the picture above you can see moons orbiting that ba-donk-a-donk.  If you can't see the moons you definitely can see the craters from all the meteorite impacts.

Here we see Kendra Wilkinson saying, "I'm still paying for these things."  Oh by the way, the Lakers suck.

John Travolta was spotted this week trying to pull off the daddy bear look.  You know when he and tom Cruise get together on the weekends they play dress up and they dress like Yogi and Boo Boo to play "Hide the Honey Pot."

Yes, they do Jessica Simspon, yes they do...god I am so lonely I am reduced to agreeing with Jessica Simpson's t-shirt.

In other Jessica Simpson news, she is designing her own line of lingerie.  She didn't want to admit this but after agreeing with her t-shirt above she let me in on the reason why she is doing this new line of lingerie.  See the lacing on the normal lingerie is too confusing for her so her line is using velcro.  

Jennifer Garner locked her keys in her car.  Sadly she also locked her daugher Violet in the car.  After a few minutes Violet was able to open the door and all was ok.  BORING!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  Now I am going to have to get a boat to take back the Fry Daddy that I bought for their wedding present.  I need a boat because in this part of Wisconsin there is more open water than open road...rimshot.

You know, without the make-up Heidi Montag actually looks good.  She doesn't make me want to inflict damage upon anything.

But then I saw this...what sort of attention whore would pose in front of an ATM?  Oh yeah, Heidi Montag!  Quick someone steal her pin number.  It has to be something 123456 because anything else would be too confusing.  

Hayden Panettiere admitted this week to kissing her girl friends when they were growing up to perfect the craft of kissing.  Somewhere deep down inside I am hoping they videotaped those practice kisses.  You know I am offering my services to any ladies out there who want to practice kissing but they have to be over 18 because I am no R Kelly.

The Golden Girls were honored at the TV Land awards for being the hottest bitches on tv EVER!  You know they were the original Sex and the City.  The fourth Golden Girl, Estelle Getty, couldn't make it because she is retired and battling dementia.  

Gina Gershon turned 46 this week.  No word on if Bill Clinton slipped a cigar for her birthday.

Holy crap Donald Trump's hair actually moved.  That looks like some kindergarten art project or one of those magnetic doodle things with the shavings and the magnet pencil that my parents gave me on long road trips.  Those were the days.  I miss gas for under 80 cents.

Dog the Bounty Hunter and his wife Beth were out not busting criminals but looking to bust up some buffets this week.  You know he and Beth make the prettiest couple ever.  I need to get my hair up into a mullet like Dog so that I may one day find true love.  

Shocking news from Sean Combs this week.  He no longer wants to be called Diddy.  He wants to be called by his original stage name, Puff Daddy.  You know I think we should just call him Puffy McCunty.  It has a certain ring to it and that name would definitely sell millions of records.

AAAAAWWWWWWWW!  Dakota Fanning's all grown up and ready to be the next Hollywood starlett involved in scandal.  I think the first scandal are those teeth.  I bet when Dakota yawns, cars slow down...rimshot.

Apparently Brooke Hogan disapproves of her mother Linda's new relationship with a guy who was in the same grade as Brooke.  I think Brooke should be freaked out by both of her parents.  I mean they are both dating a person who looks like Brooke.  What happens if they crawl into the wrong bed?  That would be a reality tv show first.

Ashlee Simpson has decided to start showing off her pregnancy breasts.  You know that Papa Joe Simpson is going to use this photo for the family Christmas card this year.  

Amy Winehouse is such a humanitarian.  Here we see her passing ice pops to the paparazzi and children on the sidewalk.  My mom always warned me about taking ice pops from strangers unless the stranger has an album that has been certified 8 times platinum sold, then it would be ok to take an ice pop.

A friend close to Amy Winehouse released some photographs taken during some of their parties.  You know we've come to expect this behavior out of her so it is no shock.  The thing that did shock me was that Amy sag a racist song to the tune of Head Shoulders Knees and Toes...so my childhood is being officially trampled.  

Here's one of those photos that was released of Amy...that is so hot.  Seriously!  There is also a rumor of Amy "performing" on her boyfriend while humming a couple of her songs.  What talent!

Guess the breasts?  OK seeing the last three pictures were of my love Amy Winehouse it should be of no surprise that these belong to Wilford Brimley...actually it is Amy Winehouse.

Saved the best for last.  Britney Spears is jsut like me at the moment, preparing for her funeral.  Anyway she is trying to buy a burial plot near Rudolph Valentino and Marilyn Monroe.  She will be cremated and her ashes will be placed between those two stars.  Wow, I was shocked by the fact that Britney Spears knows who Rudolph Valentino was.  Now she also wants to have mixed with her ashes two of her most favorite things in the world:  frappachino powder and cheeto dust.  YES!

OK, I need to go eat my feast of macaroni and cheese and rice pudding.  I have to be on what is called a bland diet for a few days.  Sweet, I get to miss out on the all you can eat prime rib at the local restuarant on Father's Day.  Well I am out.

So this week I haven't been too active because I have been having horrible stomach problems.  I tried contacting my regular doctor but she is on vacation until the end of July(must be nice).  So I decided to wait a day and see if it was just a stomach bug. Well it didn't go away and I lied when I was asked if I had any problems.  Finally on Thursday I was at the point where I was having no comfort and I was vomiting stomach bile.  Yeah that was pretty nasty and scary.  As the next round of storms rolled through I sat in a doctor's office and watched the river rise.  The doctor I saw said that he thinks I have had a reaction to a couple of the medicines that I am on and that they possibly have formed an ulcer in my stomach.  He noticed my blood counts were down so he took a test, a test that I never want to experience again and am embarrassed to even think about now.  Well it turned up positive for blood and well I had to be admitted to the hospital.  They put me on more IVs and a different steroid.  The IVs were some stuff to hydrate me and coat my stomach so I wouldn't experience pain from a possible ulcer.  I laid and waited and the storm outside grew worse and then came all the reports of more flooding and more roads being closed.  The doctor told me that I would be having a procedure done the next morning where they would insert a camera down my throat to look into my stomach for gastritis, ulcers, or tumors, that last one made my evening.  They gave me a liquid diet.  Watched the Celtics and Lakers and then I began to sweat.  It was horrible.  I woke up once and a pool had collected in my ear.  I guess it was partly due to the 102 fever I was posting.  They woke me up at 5:30 and said I had to drink heavy before 6 because I needed to be dry.  Well I drank and drank and drank and drank.  I can't look at water the same now.  It is a cruel mistress.  I then pulled out "Choke" by Chuck Palahniuk.  I read.  They took blood.  Gave me medicine.  8am the nurse comes in and says the procedure has been canceled because the doctor performing is flooded out.  He said a car that was not his nor belonging to anyone whom he knew was floating in his front yard.  Sigh of relief.  I read my book.  they let me have some light solid food for lunch.  I read my book.  They wrote up my discharge but I had to wait for someone to pick me up.  Luckily my mom works in the hospital but in a different wing so she would take me after her shift finished.  turned out my dad got stuck at work again with all the flooding.  Thankfully the casino let's their workers stay in the hotel in cases like that.  Finished my book.  Discharged.  I have to go in Monday to have the procedure and then Tuesday to find the results.  If they are inconclusive I am worried about the next procedure the doctor said they will have to do to find out where I am bleeding.  Anyway, I need to be active so I am out.  Sorry about improper grammar, lack of aesthetics, bad punctuation, etc.  I have a lot on my mind right now and English ain't one concern.  I will try to get some activity, then do some rest and then possibly get my butt back here to do a celebrity round up.