I didn't post yesterday. I was busy in the morning and didn't get around to it. Then I had the doctor's appointment. Ugh, it was basically him telling me stuff I already knew and how they still need more blood from me. I was fasting, actually I just never got around to eating breakfast or lunch because I was busy. They took the blood and of course I start getting dizzy. I don't know if it was due to the loss of blood or from me feeling squeamish when I saw my blood coming out. I have to admit that the nurse who drew my blood did the best job. I can't even find her entry point now as opposed to some of the other places I have had blood drawn in the past month. I walked home because I didn't think I could drive and I knew that if my car was gone my stalker wouldn't show up. Well I had a window open and he was circling my block. So creepy! Anyway then some thunderstorms cam through and I don't like being on the computer during storms; I've heard too many bad stories. Then this morning I went out grocery shopping and it turned into an all day affair. Oh and at the grocery store they had samples but not your normal samples. Samples of Miller Genuine Draft 64, the lightest beer on the market. It didn't taste too bad for being so light but of course I haven't had much to drink in the past few months. Anyway I received a free key chain/bottle opener. I got home and collapsed on my couch and slept and then I made myself some veal parmagean. Yes, I am an evil person for eating veal but it tastes so good. Watched National Treasure 2 and now here goes with my 494th post.
Willem Dafoe, one of Wisconsin's creepiest export (Ed Gein, anyone?), turned 53 this week. I seriously thought he was 53 like 10 years ago. I guess he is living proof of the old saying, "a face only a mother could love".
To avoid any further controversy, Disney executives had Zac Efron dodge gay rumors by having him motorboat Vanessa Hudgens. That looks like some great summer fun. I have really missed out on my summer with all my illnesses...sigh...any ladies in Wisconsin want to head to Noah's Ark? Just kidding.
Traci Bingham has really nice melons. Too bad they are filled with artificial ingredients.
Sienna Miller is working on a new movie called Hippie Hippie Shake. This movie requires her to do a full frontal nude scene however the director was upset with these scenes. Apparently Sienna doesn't have enough pubic hair to fall into the category of hippie or be a believable proponent of free love. So they have to add pubic hair with CGI. Whoever has to sit at the computer staring and adding probably got gonorrhea of the eyes. Yes, it is possible but don't ask me, I have this friend that had it. NEXT!
MTV announced this week that they are planning on remaking The Rocky Horror Picture Show and will release it in October of 2009. No cast has been announced but somehow I see Pete Wentz being involved. After hearing that they are remaking this it is official: Hollywood is dead. MTV really makes me want to smoke crack.
Here's a recent photo of Patrick Swayze. He is a walking miracle. See he is supposed to be dead. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a couple of months ago and only given a few weeks to live. He is receiving treatments and obviously is responding well. He has been filming a new tv series too. He did say that he attributes his cancer to his smoking 3 packs of cigarettes a day. Christ! I used to have maybe one or two cigars a day and that about did me in, but 3 packs! You know reporting this story actually makes me feel good, I guess it makes up for talking about Sienna Miller's lack of pubic hair.
Supposedly, Nicole Kidman had a baby two weeks ago but you wouldn't know it by looking at her. Sunday Rose must have been the size of a rose petal to keep Nicole in that great shape. So I guess that means because Nicole is from Australia and Sunday is that small, Nicole must keep Sunday in her pockets because you see Australia has all the kangaroos which keep their young in their pockets....here's a joke that sucked. I don't think it would have worked if I said she was part kangaroo either.
This douche bag (Nick Hogan) turns 18 on Sunday. Do you know how will possibly be celebrating? He may be moved to adult jail. Nick, if your fellow inmates want to throw you a party in the showers make sure you don't drop the soap your mom gave you as a birthday present otherwise all the inmates will take a piece of your cake and by cake I mean ass.
Neil Patrick Harris was a guest star on Sesame Street. They filmed the season premiere this week and NPH played a character named The Shoe Fairy. I'm going to take the high road and not make any obvious jokes about his character. Instead I am going to let you watch the clip.
"I pity the fool who doesn't loan me $40 so I can pay this month's water bill. I also pity myself for selling out."
Another week, another round of guess the ass. She was recently arrested for possession of marijuana but I think she is trying to get arrested for crack...Mischa Barton.
Just when you think that Miley Cyrus has sunk to new lows, we have this story. The virgin Miley is being offered a role in a new movie entitled Undiscovered Gyrl. It will be about a 15 year old girl's decent into promiscuity. Oh and before I forget there will also be nude scenes involving Miley Cyrus' character. There is another rumor floating around that in addition to having a naked 15 year old on the screen, the director is also going to insert footage of me being raped by a grizzly bear so you know this movie will have something for everyone.
When I saw this cover I had the Afroman song "Because I Got High" running through my head. Matthew McConaughey was interviewed and said how happy he was to see his son's "little pecker" and that he wants his son Levi to be wiser and cooler than him. Matthew, I don't think you have to worry about that because I am sure young Levi has already accomplished that, especially the wiser part.
WHOA! Matthew Broderick is cheating on Sarah Jessica Parker? No way is it true that he cheated on her...with a woman. Maybe it is possible but only if they played his favorite game called "Broadway Divas" where he pretends to Ethel Merman and they sing showtunes. Come on, the guy is best friends with Nathan Lane, what do you expect? When Sarah Jessica Parker was asked what she thought about Matthew cheating all she had to say was, "NEIGH! NEIGH! NEIGH!" Why do I use WHOA! and NEIGH well Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a horse. Check it out here.
Mariah Carey should really stop buying her clothes in the junior department at Kohl's. I mean she has a closet the size of Greenland and this is what she finds to wear. Looking like a prostitute from the Reagan era is not cute.
Just when we thought the drama involving Madonna and Gayrod was over. No! Some guy claims to have a sex tape involving these two. He set up a camera in an apartment and proceeded to film them having sex. He wants to distribute the tape but he doesn't realize that what he did was illegal. Either way, them have sex is probably like watching two pitbulls fight over a greasy neck bone. You know, I really doubt they have sex. They probably just get together and arm wrestle. Madonna needs to be tested for steroids.
Lindsay Lohan and her girlfriend Sam are wearing red bracelets to represent their relationship is on lockdown. They also wear matching anchor necklaces because they are each other's anchor. GAG ME!
When Lindsay is away from Sam she just doesn't know what to do with her fists.
In this week's edition of Where are They Now, we take a look at Lecy Goranson. She is the lady on the left with the cigarette in her mouth. In case you don't know who she is, she played Becky #1 on Rosanne and then came back as Becky #3 or maybe she went back to being Becky #1 because her original replacement went on to do Scrubs. Anyway Lecy is a fortune teller at flea markets and yacht clubs. If you want someone to lie to you call me. I'll do it for a beer but it looks like she does too. Damn, I have to eliminate the competition!
Kim Kardashian is rumored to be in negotiations to be on another reality show. She will dancing her way into your hearts on the show Dancing with the Stars. I have to ask, what is she a star of? Sex tapes? Getting urinated on? Anyway if she is a contestant the producers better reinforce that dance floor. I am willing to start taking bets now as to what songs she will dance to. My pick is "Baby Got Back" by Sir-Mix-A-Lot. You know that is a safe bet.
Katie Holmes got a hair cut and her transformation into a male is almost complete. Somewhere Tom Cruise is high-fiving himself in the mirror. The next step for Tom is to convince Katie that "Chuck" is a completely normal nickname for the name "Katie".
Guess the ass of the horrible pop star who is making a turn to country music and at one of her debut performances was horrible and this person also doesn't completely understand what tuna is...stumped...
It's Jessica Simpson....who else? This week she is was in Wisconsin for some country fest. See I don't follow the country music scene so I don't know how bad she sounded but apparently it was horrendous. She got booed off the stage. Actually half the people were booing and the other half, predominately males, were screaming, "Show your tits!" Why is it that she looks constipated? Oh well, maybe she shouldn't quit her day job which I forget what that is but when she figures it out I think she should stick to it.
Heidi Montag announced this week that she is planning on going to Iraq to entertain troops. She was having troubles getting into the country but her number one fan, John McCain is personally seeing to it that she gets into Iraq. Doesn't he have anything better to do? Maybe he should be doing something about gas prices? Even though they have fallen about 20 cents here the last few days they still are too high. Also, why would he send Heidi Montag to entertain our troops? Haven't they been through enough?
How does James Blunt keep getting women? Last week he broke up with his girlfriend and this week he is partying on a boat with two fun loving women. Sure he has had a few hit songs but he looks like an extra from The Lord of the Rings. Those should cancel each other out. I think the only plausible answer is that the topless girl is being paid by the hour.
Hayden Panettiere got her hair cut this week and I do not like it because now she looks like she is on a quest to have a permission slip signed by her mom and dad.
I think this one is for the ladies. That is Gordon Ramsay. He looks like he is a little well done and maybe he has had a little too much of all that risotto that he is forcing his chefs to make on Hell's Kitchen.
Frances Bean Cobain, on the left, is spending her summer being an intern at Rolling Stone magazine. She doesn't get coffee for any of the staff members but maybe she has to call up some of her mom's "contacts". I have always been really impressed by Frances and how non-fucked-up she is considering her dad was Kurt Cobain and her mom is Courtney Love who happens to go by the name Cherry Kookoo. Yeah, Frances has turned out pretty decent.
Guess the ass. I really hate her music and I think that it is fitting that she wears mom shorts because she is so clumsy. Oh I gave it away. She is F-E-R-G-I-E. I really hate this musical trend where they have to spell everything out. Thank you for that crap, Fergie.
Ethan Hawke and his wife had a baby this week and they named her Clementine Jane. For those of you who don't remember Ethan Hawke was with Uma Thurmann and then he left her for this woman, who was their nanny at the time. So note to Ethan's new wife: if you want to keep Ethan you better hire your nanny from The Ugly Nanny Agency.
In sad news, this week Estelle Getty passed away. She was 84 years old. If I knew how to cry, I may shed a tear but I think I will eat some cheesecake in honor of The Golden Girls because whenever something went down on that show, they always ate cheesecake. Yeah, I watched The Golden Girls. It was when I found out Don Cheadle and Cheech Marin were regulars but that was only in the last season when they tried to inject some humor into the series. Anyway Estelle will be missed.
Dustin Diamond, better known as Screech, announced this week that he is writing a tell all book about what transpired behind the scenes of Saved by the Bell. He's going to write about all the sexual escapades, drug use, and hardcore partying and that is just what he has to say about Mr. Belding. Honestly I am looking forward to this book. In the words of Jessie Spano, "I'm so excited!" If you don't understand that last joke check this out.
Rapper DMX was arrested this week for identity theft. He was at a hospital and used a woman's name and ID card for billing purposes. WTF! A woman? Our country needs universal healthcare. When our multi-million dollar rappers can't afford medical bills and are reduced to identity theft, how are the rest of us supposed to pay those bills?
Oh, Coco, you are so sexy but that dress is hideous. It looks like you poured a bottle of Pepto Bismal over your head. Ditch the dress.
Alec Baldwin is still a dick. You would have thought that he changed his act after calling his daughter a pig on her voicemail but NO. He proved he was a classless jerk once again this week by flipping out when Diane Sawyer called to say she needed to reschedule their interview. Her reason why she needed to reschedule? Her husband had heart surgery. Alec flipped out and screamed obscenities. To try to make Alec look like a person with empathy, an assistant said that the reason Alec go upset was because the air conditioning in the office where he took the phone call was off. Yeah, I guess I can understand that. Sometimes when I don't have air conditioning I want to rip sinks out of the wall.
Andy Dick is planning on entering rehab after his recent arrest. The rehab he is going to is not your normal rehab. It's also a reality series that will be premiering sometime in the future. The show is called "Sober Living". I get the feeling that watching Andy Dick on this show is going to be a lot like watching "Faces of Death".
Brooke Hogan is being courted to pose nude for Playboy. Yes, I said Playboy and not Playgirl. Hulk Hogan has said that he will only agree to let Brooke pose if he can shoot the photos and do her styling. When the issue hits newsstands I think it should come with bleach so that afterwards you can properly wash out your eyes. I think it should also come with ear mites but that is because I made the mistake of watching her new show and had to listen to her irritating voice. So do you remember the Snapple Lady? Yeah, I'd rather see her naked.
Wow, Amy Winehouse sure smokes funny looking cigarettes. Actually, I think that joint is about the healthiest thing she has put in her body since March when she accidentally ate an apple.
Amy announced this week that she is going to start counseling drug addicts. Her contact list must be all used up so now she is going to other junkies to get new dealers.
Guess the ass. I think the owner needs a larger bikini. Anyway she is trying to get her career to bounce back but I'd rather see her bounce around slowly....Britney Spears.
Speaking of that career rebound, she is working on a duet for her new album with Justin Timberlake. I honestly don't think she needs Justin Timberlake to do a duet. She can just use some of the voices in her head. Remember when she went around speaking in a British accent? Well how about she sings the tracks normally and then sings JT's part with her British accent? That would sell millions. I really don't think Justin and Britney should work together. I mean, didn't they learn anything from Sonny and Cher? One will be killed and the death will involve white powder and the other will be come an icon for drag queens. Want to guess which is which?
Finally, this is Aaron McCargo. He was a contestant on the Food Network's reality program, The Next Food Network Star, in which contestants compete for the prize of having their own Food Network program. Well I went to vote for my favorite of the three finalists on Thursday. I was shocked to see some videos from the unaired finale. Yes, it was pre-recorded so any vote that people made probably didn't count because the show was filmed months ago. Well I clicked on the winning moment video and Aaron McCargo was announced as the winner. I then saw videos of the exit interviews from the other two finalists. That wasn't it. I then went to the show section and his show was already listed and will probably by called Big Daddy's House. I was pretty shocked that they posted all this stuff on Thursday when the finale doesn't air until this Sunday. Well I went back early this morning before I went out and all the videos and information was taken down. I guess they made a mistake. Anyway, sorry I ruined the ending for you if you watched that show but the Food Network website sort of ruined it for me.
Well I am off to bed. I will try to do some more posting this week.
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