Well I hope I didn't disappoint my new subscribers this week with my lack of postings.  I sort of had a health set back.  I went to see the doctor for a check up on Tuesday but before I went I noticed I was feeling run down.  I then started up with a bad sinus headache.  He put me on more steroids and antibiotics.  My body has been weird this spring and summer.  No one has any clue what is wrong with me.  Then Wednesday I slept about 16 hours or so.  I was just so beat.  Then yesterday every time I was going to get ready to use the computer we had massive lines of thunderstorms pass through the area.  I didn't really check to see the official amount of rain that I got at my house but one news station said that in a 12 hour period we may have received 6-10 inches.  Guess what that means?  MORE FLOODING!!!  Some roads going to my cousin's farm were washed away.  One farmer I know lost his entire corn crop in the first round of flooding just replanted and that was wiped out, but they have illegal Mexican workers so I am sure they will get another crop planted.  Without a passable way to my cousin's farm, I no longer have a reason to go out to the farm to watch people milk.  So I had to catch up with celebrity gossip that transpired over the past two days so bear with me.

I bet most of you were wondering what ever happened to this guy.  Oh, you don't know who he is?  Well this is Zachery Ty Bryan of Home Improvement fame.  He was a character in an interesting occurrence this week.  He filed a lawsuit against Choice Motels.  The reason why is that he and his wife(sorry ladies) were staying at one the Choice Motels and he decided to leave the room and go outside.  Well the desk clerk would not let him reenter the motel.  He played the "do you know who I am" card but of course they didn't.  See the room was in his wife's name so he was up the proverbial creek without a paddle.  Then Zach started getting belligerent with the overnight staff.  All of a sudden an off-duty manager showed up with a taser and tased Zach in the ass.  He wants $25,000 for his pain and suffering.  You know what I want?  I want a video of him getting tased in the ass.

Here were see more proof that Tom Cruise is emulating heroes of the gay culture.  Tom is sporting the Midnight Cowboy look.  Of course Buck wasn't gay but when Tom takes the look well you just have to assume.  I do have to say that this family hit the beer tent at the Fourth of July Celebration a little too hard...I remember plenty of mornings waking up and looking as confused as Suri looks.

Here's a little something for the ladies.  Sugar Ray Leonard was shot sporting some wood in a park this week.  Hey, Sugar Ray, you know if that last four hours you need to see a doctor not go jogging.

Nicole Richie is a mean drunk.  She was kicked out of the Hard Rock Cafe in Las Vegas for fighting and it took more than one security guard to haul her 54lb ass off the premise.  I have heard that people who are fiending for heroin have the strength of three men and then will sometimes use that stamina to star in a "home movie" shot by a guy named Terrance and four of his friends who promise not to put the three hour documentary on the internet as long as I didn't cry but then I did which made the whole thing not worth the $20 in the first place.  *sigh* Nicole Richie is a skank.

This week a few celebrities gave birth and Angelina Jolie was not one of them even though Entertainment Tonight reported she gave birth like a month ago.  People, I am more reliable than Entertainment Tonight.  Anyway Nicole Kidman gave birth to a baby girl whom she named Sunday Rose even though the baby was born on a Monday.  So why the name Sunday?  Possibly as a slap in the face of Tom Cruise.  Nicole was bitter with the whole Scientology stuff and Sunday is the Christian day of worship.  Nicole is a devout Catholic and Tom forbade her from practicing her faith when they were married.  I think it is a slap in his face but more like "Hey, a guy knocked me up, sissy boy, we didn't even need a turkey baster like you did with Katie Holmes."

Here's some sad news.  The relationship that was supposed to last forever is over.  New York and Tailor Made broke up.  I have lost all faith in reality based dating shows.  Apparently he broke up with her because she was too distracting to his career and children from a previous relationship.  Yeah I could see how distracting having her around kids would be.  I mean they probably were scarred because she is so terrifying.  I mean just being in the same room with her I would be afraid of catching something.  So they broke up in March and this will all be documented in her new reality series.  OH MY GOD!!!!!  New York Goes to Hollywood may just be a bigger train wreck than I Love Money. 

I am proud to announce that Mischa Barton is the new face of Tyrone Panties.  The next time you are panty shopping at The 99 Cent store look for the panties with Mischa Barton on the package....she sure has fallen since The OC went off the air.

Miley, you are making this too easy.  While taking a break from shooting Hannah Montana, Miley Cyrus and some of her castmates went out to get something to eat.  Miley then decided to show everybody the face she makes when she gives blowjobs.  Yes, that is what she said.  I wonder if she realizes that she is 15.  The editor of "Pedophiles Monthly" gave her this review "If there is one underage girl that you drool over this summer it has to be Miley Cyrus."  Billy needs to stop grooming his mullet and start being a parent.

Michael Jackson was photographed in a wheelchair this week.  I think Michael needs to reevaluate how he acts in public.  I would hate for him to gain a reputation as being weird.

In sad news this week, Megan Fox announced that she is not single and is still with Brian Austin Green.  There is a collected sigh going across America.  Please tell me that Brian Austin Green can lasso a horse with his penis because that is the only thing that makes sense as to why she would be with him.

Lindsay Lohan showed off part of her new clothing line this week.  These are some of the leggings from that line.  They come complete with kneepads for those women out there who have oral fixations and have bad knees.  The price...$132 or as Lindsay said 132 clams because that is what she is into now.

Lindsay celebrated her birthday this week with her girlfriend and her younger sister at the gayest place on Earth, Disneyland.  That is Ali sitting behind Lindsay wearing the choker.  It's good to see someone watches VH-1's I Love the 90s and emulates the fashions. 

Matthew McConaughey and his girlfriend has a baby boy this week.  They named him Levi Alaves.  Alaves is her last name so little Levi gets two last names.  Levi was born at 6:22 PM and Matthew 6:22 is Matthew's favorite Bible passage.  Hmmmm I think Matthew is making up stories and he named him after his favorite pair of jeans.  At least he wasn't like his brother Rooster who named his kid after his favorite beer, Miller Lyte.

The McConaughey baby is rich.  OK Magazine offered Matthew $3million for exclusive photographs.  What OK Magazine didn't know is that because Matthew is such a stoner he would have settled for a new set of bongo drums and a bag of Funyuns.

You thought I was joking about Matthew's brother Rooster.  Why would I lie to you, my readers?  Well that is Rooster's offspring, Miller Lyte.  I just love how he changed up the "i" to a "y".  Maybe he isn't so dimwitted afterall. I can't wait until little Miller Lyte is all grown up and prefers the taste of say Bud Light.  I forsee Miller Lyte chasing Rooster around the trailer park with a shotgun.  Yeah, I miss drinking beer.  I have 3 and a half since April. 

Gayrod...Gayrod...I used to think that he had a solid mind but the rumor as to why he is dating Madonna is that she put him under the spell of Kaballah.  Is there nothing that religion can't do?  Maybe I should convert and hypnotize famous women....Megan Fox, want to learn about Kaballah?

Lily Allen is starting to let the pink hair fade out.  I think she is better as a blonde.  You know she has such bouncy music but if you ever listen to her lyrics, well they are quite psychotic.  I guess that is my way of politely saying that she is nipping out.

Lance Bass is all set to be a contestant on the next season of Dancing with the Stars.  The dilemma that the producers have found is that Lance is gay so they don't know if they should pair him with a female or male dance partner.  Here's a novel idea, why don't you ask him who he wants to dance with?  No matter what he picks he will be paired with a female because ABC which airs Dancing with the Stars is owned by Disney and we know that Disney stands for family values just look at all the subliminal messages they put in their movies.

Kim Kardashian announced this week that she is making her own perfume.  In the history of irony there isn't a better example.  See if you ever saw her sex tape and I know some of you have but anyway she becomes a human toilet in that video.  So a human toilet is making an eau de toilette.  OK maybe I am making a stretch for that but I find it ironic.  So the perfume will be yellow and very musky with hints of asparagus.
 
Jessica Simpson is pissed, well the picture makes her looked very confused but trust me she is pissed.  She said she was deeply hurt by Pamela Anderson's comments last week and wanted to go on attack mode but her family talked her out of it.  Now she said she isn't going to do anything about it.  My dream is that they settle things with hand grenades in a locked room.  My other way of settling things involves lingerie, honey, chocolate, feathers...basically anything that you see on Cinemax after hours.

Who the hell is this guy?  See I can read minds.  This is Jeremy Jackson.  He was on Baywatch.  He played David Hasslehoff's son Hobie.  He was arrested at age 19 for making meth and possessing a meth lab.  He is now 27, yes 27.  On the bright side, he looks younger than Ali Lohan.

Jim Carrey and his girlfrined Jenny McCarthy donned the same bathing suit this week.  Who wore it better?  Maybe I shouldn't play this game.  I don't want to get sued.  If I were to wear the same bikini as my girlfriend I would just die.

Guess the Ass...she used to possess one of the most ballyhooed asses in Tinsel Town until Kim Kardashian hit the scene.  That is Jennifer Lopez.

This is Jaslene Gonzalez, winner of season 8 of America's Next Top Model.  See reality tv must not pay.  She obviously can't afford to buy an entire outfit.  This picture reminds me of my college days when I had assless chaps but could afford a belt to hold them up. 

All I could think of when I saw this cover was that Jamie Lynn looks like childbirth and motherhood has taken its toll on her hair.  It has turned her hair gray or maybe she is just trying to fit in and be a new checkout gal at the local Piggly Wiggly.  I look at the second picture and get the feeling that Jamie Lynn didn't get the best prenatal care nor did she follow any restrictions the doctors gave her.  I think baby Maddie is starting to take after Aunt Britney.

Here we see Heidi Klum.  What is wrong with me and my women eating ice cream cones fetish?

Heidi and Spencer?  I asked for the SWAT team and I get the TWAT team.

Hayden Panettiere, please don't be like that baby.  I am better than Milo, sure he is buying you a $200,000 engagement ring but if you give me enough time and Cracker Jacks I can find you the best engagement ring ever.

OK, another Gayrod divorce story.  While he was out messing around with Madonna, his wife Cynthia took $100,000 and went to Paris where she blew all the money and hooked up with Lenny Kravitz.  I took the high road and didn't say "blew all the money and Lenny Kravitz".  She also has hired four of New York's best divorce attorneys and barred Alex from seeing their children.  Oh and to be mean, she maxed out all his credit cards.  Ah, true love!

In totally disgusting news, this week Flava Flav told a reporter when he lost his virginity.  If you were thinking his age would be in the double digits then you would be wrong.  Flav claims he was 6 when he lost his virginity.  Yeah that is just too nasty to comment on any further.

Another round of Guess the Ass.  This ass belongs to a desperate housewife who is popular for some odd reason even though her movies are crap and I totally hate her husband.  Before I go into roid rage, it's Eva Longoria.

In news of the truly bizarre and in news of aren't they dead, Elvira came out and admitted to losing her virginity to Tom Jones.  OK, that would have been fine if she stopped right there but NO.  Elvira told reporters that after the deed, which she describes as horrible, she had to go to the hospital for stitches because Tom was so immense.  The next night she went back to see him because she thought they were in love and were getting married but she walked in on Tom in a 3-way with two of his back-up singers.  I knew it!  Bands have back-up singer for more reasons than just singing.  Wow, another story of true love.

Here is some hot girl on girl action featuring Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi.  Wow, who knew they were more than just friends!  What?  They're lesbians and they plan on getting married?  Why am I always the last to know these things?  OK, that is just me expressing my frustration.  I found out a girl I recently took a liking to is a lesbian. Strangely that isn't the first time that has happened.

Drew Barrymore and the Mac Guy, Justin Long, broke up this week.  Apparently they have been dating since September of 2007.  I guess time flies when you really don't give a fuck.

We almost lost this national treasure this week.  David Lee Roth was pulled over by police in Canada for speeding.  He was trying to get to a hospital because he was having a severe allergic reaction to some nuts that he ate.  The police got him to the hospital and David was treated and recovered.  Man, can you imagine if Paris Hilton was allergic to nuts.  If that were the case her social life would be OVER!

Christina Aguilera has an addiction.  A lady noticed Xtina's addiction this week when the singer was out to eat with her husband.  Apparently Christina is addicted to lip gloss.  The lady said that after every time Xtina would take a bite of food she would then reapply her lip gloss.  OK, maybe she just has really chapped lips or maybe she has one of those oral fixations I hear about.  I can also tell you I have heard of people being addicted to coke, crack, smack, and booze but never lip gloss.  Maybe there should be a comment about being blonde here but I don't think blonde is her natural color.

This is Cheryl Burke, one of the professional dancers on Dancing with the Stars.  Who knew that professional dancers could be so curvy?  Certainly not me or anyone who watches any of the millions of dance related programs on tv these days.  She looks fantastic.  the only way the other female pros on Dancing with the Stars have attained curves is through surgical means.  Man, two Dancing with the Stars stories, something is seriously wrong with me.

Wow, this photo of Brooke Hogan is hot and when I look at it I don't get the feeling that she is a man.  She is very hot from the neck down at least.  She needs to look into that sunscreen stuff for her face.  Speaking of suncreen this medicine the doctor gave me requires me to use sunscreen.  He said that I could get severely burnt if I am in the sunlight for over 10 minutes.  I am such a freak.

Here we see Ashley Tisdale.  You know, when I stare longingly at a woman's bikini bottom, I do not want to see the word kill.  That just freaks me out, sort of like how dogs freak me out.  Don't let their floppy ears and hanging tongues and general goofiness fool you, they are pure evil and bent on world domination.

It's hard to believe that Amanda Bynes is no longer 12 years old and is all grown up.  I just saw her in a TV show the other day in which her character was planning on having sex for the first time.  so basically it is hard for me to look at her wearing that see-through top.  I mean I still find episodes of her from when she was on Figure it Out.  Does anyone remember what the secret slime action is?  DAMN!  I got slimed.  Summer Sanders just told me the secret slime action was being a pathetic blogger.  At least I am better than Danny Tamberelli.

Amy, why would you show us that?  WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?  To give her the benefit of a doubt, she is on a lot of illegal drugs and probably just forgot to shave or trim.  Why do I care?  email me to find out the horrible truth.

Britney Spears was invited to join Madonna on tour this week.  Britney you better not take Adnan with you otherwise Madonna will steal him.  Maybe you should take KFed and that way he can destroy Madonna's career much like he destroyed yours.  They plan on calling the tour the Sticky and Sweet tour.  Hmmm more like the Dry and Sour Tour.  Even though Madonna is known for stealing husbands as of late she is also known to get down with the ladies as well.  I think she wants Britney to eat some tuna but if Madonna asks Britney that or even asks to toss her salad Britney would probably say, "No thanks.  I am on an all Cheeto diet."  Oh Madonna, will you ever learn to be satisfied with one person?

Well I hope I was funny again this week.  Some of my plans for this week for blog entries depending on weather and health will be random funny pics, motivational pics, a porn spoof review, comic books, tattoos, and then another celebrity round up.  Here's to hoping I stay healthy and it isn't stormy.  Have a good weekend!