Well another week has passed and it has been an interesting week.  I got an email today telling me that one of my cousins had a new house because their other one burned down.  Way to keep me informed!  It was sort of alarming to hear but they are sort of on the airheaded side so a house and garage fire wasn't something I didn't see coming.  I was going to call some people up to see The Dark Knight this evening but I never got around to it because I am trying to stay cool and this humidity doesn't agree with me.  So I scour the internet looking for stories of celebrities at their worst.  I hope you enjoy my findings.

Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron took some time out of their "busy" schedules to frolic on the beach.  I don't think Disney is going to like her image change to a bikini-clad cowgirl.  Disney is pleased to see Zac Efron trying to dodge those gay rumors by being near a girl but he probably isn't too happy either because Vanessa probably had to drug him.  No way would he let boobies get that close to his face. 

This photo inspired many pregnancy rumors for Uma Thurman.  I'll let you in on a secret.  She isn't pregnant.  She is just showing off her Paris Hilton impersonation.  Yes, that is her impersonation of Paris Hilton after Paris spends 30 minutes in the Dallas Cowboys locker room alone with the team.  I give it a 9 for accuracy.

You would think the aliens would have taught Tom and Katie how to dress properly when they go out in public.  My question is, how is Katie the same height as Tom when she is wearing Rihanna high heels?  Oh yeah, Tom is breaking in a new pair of stilts.  They look so awkward.

This story blows my freaking mind.  Seth MacFarlane, creator of Family Guy and American Dad, is dating Amanda Bynes.  Yes, that is correct they are dating.  See nerds can attain hotties.  The best part of this freaky story is that the misogynistic Seth is completely whipped.  At a recent awards show he was trying to do interviews but Amanda would move on and he would end the interview and follow her like a lost puppy.  Maybe the guy is just in love or maybe he fears the secret slime action.  If he didn't want to be whipped, I suggest he date Kelly Osbourne.

Sascha Baron Cohen is up to his old tricks again.  If you don't know who he is, you haven't seen the movie Borat.  Sascha is currently filming a movie here in America as another one of his characters.  This time he is filming as Bruno, a gay fashion expert.  This is an ad he ran in Arkansas for a martial arts fighting event.  Well he got quite the crowd of blood-thirsty rednecks.  They didn't see any fighting.  What happened was when the fighters came into the ring they started making out.  In the rednecks' defense, it wasn't that difficult to fool them.

In bad news for him and good news for me, Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel broke up ending their five year relationship.  I think she is one of the hottest women in the business, mostly for her foul mouth and how her humor is pretty much a match for mine, and she has a pretty nice look smile and beautiful eyes and a rack from which you could perform Shakespeare....I digress.  No word was given on why they broke up but I think that maybe she was really fucking Matt Damon.  No clue what I am talking about, check this out.

With an unrelenting desire to be famous and a chin that puts Jay Leno's to shame, how does a girl in Hollywood get the attention she deserves?  Well she goes to a dog show and shows off her puppies.  No, she isn't a dog breeder.  I am talking about exposing the breasts.  This is what Rumer Willis has done to gain that attention she craves.  Maybe the next step she will take is to get implants just like her mom Demi Moore did to help boost her career.

After seeing this picture of Rosario Dawson hosing herself down I think I need to go hose myself down with some cold water.

Wow, Ron Woods looks horrible but he still rocks with the best of them.  Anyway it was revealed this week that Ronnie left his wife for this 22 year old Russian cocktail waitress/bartender.  I asked one of my Russian friends about female cocktail waitresses and bartenders and she said that 95% of the time they are doubling as prostitutes.  So Ron still has his eyes on the prize.  Supposedly one of the reasons why she is attracted to Mr. Woods is the fact that he drinks 2 bottles of vodka a day, we're talking liter bottles.  I see this ending one of two ways.  First option is that he will go back to his wife and then the Russian cocktail waitress will release their sextape.  Second option is that he will leave his wife for this girl and then it will get very ugly.  Either way this won't end pretty.  I wrote all that out on Sunday evening when the story broke.  In other Ron Woods news, he entered rehab today.  Good luck.  

Here is another 99 Cent Store fashion must have featuring one of the Olsen twins on the cover.  The things you can find at the 99 Cent Store and the people you see.

This story gets weirder every week.  Ranae or whatever her name is admitted the reason why she is selling or at least trying to sell a sextape featuring her and Mini-Me is because she is flat broke.  Guess where she is living?  If you said she is still living in Verne Troyer's house even though they have broken up months ago you would be correct.  Now Mini-Me is going to the courts to try to evict her from his house.  So if he does get her evicted then he can no longer be classified as her Sugar Daddy or maybe that should be Sugar Baby.

Hey Lindsay if you don't catch the air kiss someone else will because those things float on forever unless you catch them.  OK, upon further review of the picture I have thought that maybe Sam isn't blowing an air kiss.  Maybe she is just sniffing her fingers.  Yeah, I'll stop there.

A random internet guy released some rather racy pics of Miley Cyrus this week after having supposedly hacking into her iPhone.  These were pics that she sent to one of the Jonas Brothers, I kid you not.  The guy also said that he had numerous emails she sent to the Jonas Brother and also nude pics.  So if he released the nude pics he'd be in possesion of child porn.  He didn't know if he should release the emails because Miley talks about some of the sex sessions she has had.  My question is, who took the photo of her in the shower?  It was probably Billy Ray.  The only thing good about this is that she is wearing a shirt.  Now that I think of it, I should go delete all my nude pics.

This is another of the racy pics of Miley Cyrus.  I have figured out what those lips mean.  She is farting.

In more news that made Disney executives cringe, Miley Cyrus also this week announced how she wants to develop a new television series.  She basically wants to remake Sex and the City but have it geared for and starring kids.  All I can say that is if this is made it will be the worst thing ever on so many levels and that I would rather watch a marathon of The Hills.  Miley also said it wouldn't feature sex scenes because she's a "virgin" afterall.  Black cherries count too, Miley.  Anyway Disney executives have ordered her to shut the fuck and are planning on locking her in a padded room without a camera phone.

Guess the Ass time...this ass belongs to the older sister of a girl who sentenced to 30 days in jail for DUI but when she went to start her sentence today she only had to serve 4 hours due to jail overcrowding.  The ass=Kim Kardashian, the jailbird=Khloe Kardashian.

Here we see a photograph of a topless Kate Moss who was frolicing on a yacht this week.  Seriously, I think I have seen more pictures of her topless than those where she is wearing a shirt.

This is Joanie Laurer also known as Chyna from her days in the WWF and in her sextape.  She was also on numerous VH-1 reality shows, the last of which being Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab.  She was at the ESPYs, a worthless sports award show meant to keep up with the Oscars and Emmys but end up coming off like the Grammys and the Tonys.  Anyway now that she is sober, she looks pretty good.  Keep up the good work.  You know I have only had 3 drinks since April.  Just thought I'd throw that in there for all those people that thought I was alcoholic.

Some interesting news came out about JLo and her twins this week.  Apparently she does not let them wear the same outfit twice.  After they wear it, she gets rid of it.  She wanted to auction off their worn clothes because some of the outfits cost upwards of $1000 per outfit.  I think the best bet is that she just start wrapping them in sable.  In other JLo news, she is training to run in the New York marathon.  If this is true, when she goes to race they will have to give her a 20 minute head start because I think that butt of hers would really put her at a disadvantage.
 
Jessica Alba gained some respect from me.  She is pretty bad ass.  In the interview with OK magazine Jessica admitted that she didn't make any noises during her natural childbirth.  Her boyfriend or husband or whatever Cash Warren confirmed it and he also said that she didn't have any drugs.  I could never do that, not because I don't have a uterus, but because I fear pain.  

Many paparazzi and tabloid agencies have been talking about how Jennifer Garner is getting fat.  Well a friend of hers announced this week, accidentally, that she is five months pregnant.  I just love how people specualte about things and also a few weeks ago all these tabloids had her divorcing Ben Affleck by the end of the month.  you know their daughter Violet looks very happy so they must be doing something right as parents unlike so many others in Hollywood.

Holy crap!  For 63 years old, Helen Mirren is hotter than most of the skanks that are a third of her age.  I think this is the definition and standard for the term GILF even though she doesn't have any kids.

Gay-Rod was quite distracted last weekend when the Yankees played in Toronto, the site of his last extramarital affair with a stripper.  I think the next few months of the baseball season will be pretty exciting for the Yankees with this distraction in their line-up.

This one is for the ladies.  This is Cuba Gooding Jr.  I'm not gay, this is completely for the ladies, but those shoes are fab-u-lous.

Guess the Ass.  Even though the ass might not be all there still guess.  Here is an inside hint.  A friend of mine asked her exboyfriend how she was doing after a show at First Avenue.  He wasn't amused.  The answer is Claire Daines.

Claire Daines, has she been gaining weight?  She looks terrible.  What is she now, 90 lbs?  Hit the gym, fatty!  By the way that is sarcasm so anyone who is overweight don't criticize me when I have a bit of a weight problem myself.  

Guess the Ass.  This ass belongs to someone I have been quite harsh against along with the rest of her family, especially her unnatural relationship with her father.  That is Brooke Hogan and I sure hope that is water.

I like this pic of Brooke Hogan.  The Vegas odds as to who took the pic are the paparazzi @500-1 and the Hulkster, her father, @1-3.  I put $1000 on the Hulkster, that was the easiest $333 I ever made...wait a second.

Brooke also took time this week to perform at the Mansion Night Club in Miami.  She was modeling Wal-Mart's new line of lingerie.  At the end of the show Brooke took off her garter and threw it into the crowd.  Guess who caught it?  That's right, her dad, Hulk Hogan.  The creepy thing is that after the show he had her autograph it.

Sad news this week for those of you who believe that true love can be found on reality tv.  Bret Michaels broke up with the winner of Rock of Love 2, Ambre.  This means there will be a Rock of Love 3.  This time the plan is that Bret will take the skanks on the road with him and in each city they will perform some contests and the losers will be left off the bus.  The working title is Rock of Love Bus.  I will only watch this series if he takes the girl on the right with the devil horns on tour with him.

Holy crap!  Barry Manilow looks scary.  There are two theories floating around as to why he looks like that.  First, he is auditioning for a new Tim Burton movie.  Second, he has AIDS.  I am hoping for the Tim Burton movie.  Maybe it will be a live action musical of The Nightmare before Christmas.

Audrina Partridge is following Rumer Willis' lead as how to get attention.  I am actually getting interested in her new movie, Into the Blue 2.  The rumor is that she will be in a bikini or topless the entire movie.  I guess that is one way to get fame.  I think I will buy that movie when it is released straight to DVD.

Did you feel the earth shake?  Did you hear the angels sing?  Did you see the star in the sky above Nice, France?  Well if not then you didn't hear that the new Messiahs were born this week.  Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt finally had their twins.  They had a boy and a girl.  The boy is named Knox Leon and the girl is named Vivienne Macheline.  I mock this story by calling them the Twin Messiahs.  It seems like all the tabloids are making these kids out to be the second coming with the circus-style coverage they are giving it.  I think the biggest reason why people are so into seeing these kids is because Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are supposedly two of the most attractive people in the world.  So until they reach a money deal for the exclusive photo rights I will remain silent.  Oh one more thing, Brad and Angelina now have 6 kids, which is the perfect number for an elite crew of international cat burglars.

I don't like Andy Dick.  I have yet to figure out why he is still popular.  I figure as a responsible celebrity gossip columnist, I should keep you abreast of his activities.  Andy was arrested this week for grabbing a 17 year old's breasts and then ripping her shirt off to expose said breasts at a Buffalo Wild Wings.  Man, Buffalo Wild Wings has it all!  Andy tried to leave and he went to the van in which he has been living and fell asleep.  The police came and woke him up and found weed and xanax inside.  You know, I look at that mugshot and I need to go clean myself.

Madonna is trying to hook up Justin Timberlake with Britney Spears.  Actually she is hoping they start dating again because Madonna is having them do some work together on her new tour.  Like Justin Timberlake would agree to go back to Britney especially since he is dating Jessica Biel.  I think the only way Justin would take her back is if she wore that sexy outfit and the only way I would catch Madonna's tour is if Justin and Britney performed the whole show wearing those horrible clothes.

Those sure were happier times for Britney and K-Fed.  Today the courts gave their decision in the custody battle between these two.  K-Fed gets legal custody and Britney has visitation rights and over time can gain greater amounts of visitation time.  Poor Britney, I mean, jeez, you take your kids hostage just one time and every one freaks out.  Lighten up, people!  Here are four reasons why Britney lost full custody of her children:

Well there you have it.  I hope you laughed and haven't come away with a hatred for me so bad that it entails stringing me up by my testicles.  This is my 490th post.  I am 80% to be a True Member of Xanga.  I just need to start making more comments and then I can get my badge.  Well I am off to do some reading.