Well, I was going to post yesterday however it just slipped my mind and by the time I was ready to blog it was to late and I decided I should attempt to sleep, which actually happened.  Today I was intending to post earlier however this heat and humidity have made me quite lazy and I just didn't want to do much of anything.  Anyway I am here now and I am going to blog.

You are probably wondering about the title of my entry.  Well the other day I was reading a blog about porn, actually the viewing of porn and the desire for it.  I guess it hasn't really been much for me, every once in awhile I get an itch to go to a store and pick up a couple of cheap dvds but that is about it.  (sorry to my riders that night )  I guess my whole issue with porn is why am I watching people having more fun than I am having.  Some of you have emailed me about my comments of being celibate.  No, I am not a priest.  It isn't a self-imposed celibacy but more of a lack of talent so to say.  I am scared to find women around these parts because of how "fertile" it seems that they are.  For instance I have a neighbor that is the same age as I am and has 5 children by 5 different men.  Right now children are far from my mind.  OK, back on subject.  One of the funniest parts of the porn industry has to be all the parodies that are released.  It never fails.  A movie is a blockbuster hit and then a week or so later a porn company releases a parody.  One of my favorite movies from my teen years was Wayne's World and of course there was a parody entitled Zane's World and somehow I acquired a copy.  The movie featured Zane and Girth and they had to score with the chicks in the band and then Zane's ex-girlfriend  Helen Bed(same it fast) showed up and tried to ruin everything.  Well I went scouring the internet to find some of these parodies.  It was hard to find the actual movie covers instead of photos.  Of course I ran into just some titles but I couldn't find proof they existed such titles included Forest Humps and Shaving Ryan's Privates.  Warning there may be some partial to full nudity and definitely a lot of sexuality and people having more fun that I am at the moment.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls has produced two rival parodies.  I think either one could be a winner but I might have to go with Carolina Jones because as the old saying goes, "Nothin' could be fina' than bein' in Carolina"

Truth be told, I have the feeling that this movie would be better than the actual Da Vinci Code.  Tom Hanks ruined that movie...I am surprised they didn't have a parody actor name for this one.  Come on, Tom Yanks?  That might be my porno name.

This is probably the most popular parody title in the history of porno parodies.  According to reviews it mimics the actual movie Edward Scissorhands quite well.  I was always scared of the original so I think I will stay away from this one.

In case you wanted to know what Edward Penishands looked like...yeah I am going to pass.

I was somewhat pleased to see this title because Dazed and Confused is probably one of my all-time favorite movies or at least on that list.

I wonder what Mel Brooks thought of this parody of his parody.  Hmmm, do you think the monster and the scientist have a song and dance number where the monster screams like in the original?  Well there probably is a lot of screaming but I doubt it involves dancing.  Speaking of sex and dancing this reminds me of a joke a pastor at my high school told why our school didn't have any dances until my sophomore year: Why don't Lutherans have sex standing up?  It may lead to dancing.

When Kurt Cobain wrote "Smells Like Teen Spirit", I don't think this is what he had in mind.

I think this title was written after a George Bush speech indicating why we were going to war with Iraq (at least one of the reasons that kept changing).

Not so much a parody but it is very creepy.

My favorite James Bond theme song ruined.

At least this one is probably better than all the other mainstream parody movies such as Meet the Spartans or Love Movie or Superhero Movie.
 
Well I have bitched and moaned about how unoriginal Hollywood has become and how they just put out recycled movies.  A few years ago the trend was to take 60s and 70s tv staples and turn them into big screen movies.  Well the same problem has overtaken the porn community.  The first movie Not the Bradys XXX was so popular it led to the production of Not Bewitched XXX and also Not Gilligan's Island XXX and sadly Not Mr. Roger's Neighborhood XXX.  Notice the cast...yeah they even recycle them as well.  I guess this is a pretty big money making movie series because how many of us fantasized at some time over any of the characters in these shows.  I know if I was on Gilligan's Island things would have been a lot different.  Also the rumor has been going around that some of these titles stole the scenes and plot lines from fan fiction websites so apparently there is a big market for this type.  Oh and with the release of Get Smart this summer two companies are producing differing titles.  One is based on the tv show and will be called Not Get Smart XXX and the other will be called Get Smartass.

Yeah, I am waiting for then next "reality porn" called Ass Road Truckers except I think the title will change and drop the t and r from truckers and replace it with an f.

I'd like to see them recreate the most annoying noise scene.

Honestly this is probably more enjoyable than Meet the Fockers and with the special bonus Spanish language track, you can't go wrong.

Once again this is something I would rather watch than the original.  I doubt there is much dancing but oh well.

Wasn't the original tv series for both Star Trek and Star Trek the Next Generation sexy enough?  Oh well, I hear the Vulcan Death Grip in these movies is quite something to behold.

And Sir Mix A-Lot would be proud, in fact he probably did the soundtrack because that is pretty much the only work he can get these days.

This title conjures up all sorts of questions but first and foremost: WHY?????

Yeah, that is true they don't wear rubbers, mostly because if they were in the porn industry they probably contracted HIV.  Yes, I am a buzz kill.

I think Tori Spelling was actually in this one.

I wonder if this epic parody is as long as the original movies and have multiple endings...oh I could go with a double entendre there but I won't.

Funny because Angelina Jolie brought the Tomb Raider series to the big screen and now with Womb Raider, she just gave birth.  Coincidence?  The porn industry thinks not.

Last one, I promise.  I am only including this one because the major league baseball all-star game is on right now.

Have a good night.

Well another Sunday done.  I am getting too lazy on this day.  Well I think it is good because I didn't get to bed until about 4:30am and then got out of bed at 6 and started my day.  Around 2pm I dozed off and slept until about 4pm so I have made up a little time.  Other than that I am suffering severe sinus headaches.  I can't take sudafed because I have worked up a tolerance against it.  When I was in high school I somewhat played football or at least tried.  The New Orleans Saints had their training camp in the same town in those days.  Well somehow our coach got us down on the field with the Saints to talk with players and help with equipment.  I still have all the lineman swag I collected over the years.  The worst thing I collected was a knowledge of performance enhancing over the counter medication.  See a couple Saints told me that if I wanted to get fired up before a game that I should take a sheet of sudafed.  Well, idiot me, I listened to NFL players because why would a millionaire lie to a high school kid?  I started taking a sheet before every game and that worked tremendously.  By my senior year it was up to 2 and a half per game.  Now sudafed does nothing for me and if I wanted to try to get an effect I would have to buy multiple boxes and you can't do that anymore because if you did they would question you about crystal meth.  Anyway I guess for my sins of the past I have to suffer in the present.  Oh and if anyone takes Benadryl...never mix it with Red Bull.  You will have a crystal meth like reaction which you don't want.  It didn't happen to me but trust me...don't do it.

Well I have some pics for you and I am not going to comment on all of them because they speak for themselves, an if you can't read just enlarge.

This one reminded me of an incident I had while teaching in high school.  I caught a kid beating it.  I didn't stop class out of fear I might traumatize the poor guy but we had a talk after class.  That was the hardest bit of acting on my part because I had to hold back my laughter.

Don't you just see the police officers from The Simpsons and Chief Wiggum saying, "That's some good work, boys."





Don't you find summer to be so relaxing?

Everytime I see this picture all I can think of is the song that goes, "Summertime and the living is easy."  That is what I wish I could be doing this summer but the damn steroids.

He was arrested for slipping her a roofie.

OK well I need to go take some tylenol so it doesn't feel like someone is stabbing me in the eyes.

Well I hope I didn't disappoint my new subscribers this week with my lack of postings.  I sort of had a health set back.  I went to see the doctor for a check up on Tuesday but before I went I noticed I was feeling run down.  I then started up with a bad sinus headache.  He put me on more steroids and antibiotics.  My body has been weird this spring and summer.  No one has any clue what is wrong with me.  Then Wednesday I slept about 16 hours or so.  I was just so beat.  Then yesterday every time I was going to get ready to use the computer we had massive lines of thunderstorms pass through the area.  I didn't really check to see the official amount of rain that I got at my house but one news station said that in a 12 hour period we may have received 6-10 inches.  Guess what that means?  MORE FLOODING!!!  Some roads going to my cousin's farm were washed away.  One farmer I know lost his entire corn crop in the first round of flooding just replanted and that was wiped out, but they have illegal Mexican workers so I am sure they will get another crop planted.  Without a passable way to my cousin's farm, I no longer have a reason to go out to the farm to watch people milk.  So I had to catch up with celebrity gossip that transpired over the past two days so bear with me.

I bet most of you were wondering what ever happened to this guy.  Oh, you don't know who he is?  Well this is Zachery Ty Bryan of Home Improvement fame.  He was a character in an interesting occurrence this week.  He filed a lawsuit against Choice Motels.  The reason why is that he and his wife(sorry ladies) were staying at one the Choice Motels and he decided to leave the room and go outside.  Well the desk clerk would not let him reenter the motel.  He played the "do you know who I am" card but of course they didn't.  See the room was in his wife's name so he was up the proverbial creek without a paddle.  Then Zach started getting belligerent with the overnight staff.  All of a sudden an off-duty manager showed up with a taser and tased Zach in the ass.  He wants $25,000 for his pain and suffering.  You know what I want?  I want a video of him getting tased in the ass.

Here were see more proof that Tom Cruise is emulating heroes of the gay culture.  Tom is sporting the Midnight Cowboy look.  Of course Buck wasn't gay but when Tom takes the look well you just have to assume.  I do have to say that this family hit the beer tent at the Fourth of July Celebration a little too hard...I remember plenty of mornings waking up and looking as confused as Suri looks.

Here's a little something for the ladies.  Sugar Ray Leonard was shot sporting some wood in a park this week.  Hey, Sugar Ray, you know if that last four hours you need to see a doctor not go jogging.

Nicole Richie is a mean drunk.  She was kicked out of the Hard Rock Cafe in Las Vegas for fighting and it took more than one security guard to haul her 54lb ass off the premise.  I have heard that people who are fiending for heroin have the strength of three men and then will sometimes use that stamina to star in a "home movie" shot by a guy named Terrance and four of his friends who promise not to put the three hour documentary on the internet as long as I didn't cry but then I did which made the whole thing not worth the $20 in the first place.  *sigh* Nicole Richie is a skank.

This week a few celebrities gave birth and Angelina Jolie was not one of them even though Entertainment Tonight reported she gave birth like a month ago.  People, I am more reliable than Entertainment Tonight.  Anyway Nicole Kidman gave birth to a baby girl whom she named Sunday Rose even though the baby was born on a Monday.  So why the name Sunday?  Possibly as a slap in the face of Tom Cruise.  Nicole was bitter with the whole Scientology stuff and Sunday is the Christian day of worship.  Nicole is a devout Catholic and Tom forbade her from practicing her faith when they were married.  I think it is a slap in his face but more like "Hey, a guy knocked me up, sissy boy, we didn't even need a turkey baster like you did with Katie Holmes."

Here's some sad news.  The relationship that was supposed to last forever is over.  New York and Tailor Made broke up.  I have lost all faith in reality based dating shows.  Apparently he broke up with her because she was too distracting to his career and children from a previous relationship.  Yeah I could see how distracting having her around kids would be.  I mean they probably were scarred because she is so terrifying.  I mean just being in the same room with her I would be afraid of catching something.  So they broke up in March and this will all be documented in her new reality series.  OH MY GOD!!!!!  New York Goes to Hollywood may just be a bigger train wreck than I Love Money. 

I am proud to announce that Mischa Barton is the new face of Tyrone Panties.  The next time you are panty shopping at The 99 Cent store look for the panties with Mischa Barton on the package....she sure has fallen since The OC went off the air.

Miley, you are making this too easy.  While taking a break from shooting Hannah Montana, Miley Cyrus and some of her castmates went out to get something to eat.  Miley then decided to show everybody the face she makes when she gives blowjobs.  Yes, that is what she said.  I wonder if she realizes that she is 15.  The editor of "Pedophiles Monthly" gave her this review "If there is one underage girl that you drool over this summer it has to be Miley Cyrus."  Billy needs to stop grooming his mullet and start being a parent.

Michael Jackson was photographed in a wheelchair this week.  I think Michael needs to reevaluate how he acts in public.  I would hate for him to gain a reputation as being weird.

In sad news this week, Megan Fox announced that she is not single and is still with Brian Austin Green.  There is a collected sigh going across America.  Please tell me that Brian Austin Green can lasso a horse with his penis because that is the only thing that makes sense as to why she would be with him.

Lindsay Lohan showed off part of her new clothing line this week.  These are some of the leggings from that line.  They come complete with kneepads for those women out there who have oral fixations and have bad knees.  The price...$132 or as Lindsay said 132 clams because that is what she is into now.

Lindsay celebrated her birthday this week with her girlfriend and her younger sister at the gayest place on Earth, Disneyland.  That is Ali sitting behind Lindsay wearing the choker.  It's good to see someone watches VH-1's I Love the 90s and emulates the fashions. 

Matthew McConaughey and his girlfriend has a baby boy this week.  They named him Levi Alaves.  Alaves is her last name so little Levi gets two last names.  Levi was born at 6:22 PM and Matthew 6:22 is Matthew's favorite Bible passage.  Hmmmm I think Matthew is making up stories and he named him after his favorite pair of jeans.  At least he wasn't like his brother Rooster who named his kid after his favorite beer, Miller Lyte.

The McConaughey baby is rich.  OK Magazine offered Matthew $3million for exclusive photographs.  What OK Magazine didn't know is that because Matthew is such a stoner he would have settled for a new set of bongo drums and a bag of Funyuns.

You thought I was joking about Matthew's brother Rooster.  Why would I lie to you, my readers?  Well that is Rooster's offspring, Miller Lyte.  I just love how he changed up the "i" to a "y".  Maybe he isn't so dimwitted afterall. I can't wait until little Miller Lyte is all grown up and prefers the taste of say Bud Light.  I forsee Miller Lyte chasing Rooster around the trailer park with a shotgun.  Yeah, I miss drinking beer.  I have 3 and a half since April. 

Gayrod...Gayrod...I used to think that he had a solid mind but the rumor as to why he is dating Madonna is that she put him under the spell of Kaballah.  Is there nothing that religion can't do?  Maybe I should convert and hypnotize famous women....Megan Fox, want to learn about Kaballah?

Lily Allen is starting to let the pink hair fade out.  I think she is better as a blonde.  You know she has such bouncy music but if you ever listen to her lyrics, well they are quite psychotic.  I guess that is my way of politely saying that she is nipping out.

Lance Bass is all set to be a contestant on the next season of Dancing with the Stars.  The dilemma that the producers have found is that Lance is gay so they don't know if they should pair him with a female or male dance partner.  Here's a novel idea, why don't you ask him who he wants to dance with?  No matter what he picks he will be paired with a female because ABC which airs Dancing with the Stars is owned by Disney and we know that Disney stands for family values just look at all the subliminal messages they put in their movies.

Kim Kardashian announced this week that she is making her own perfume.  In the history of irony there isn't a better example.  See if you ever saw her sex tape and I know some of you have but anyway she becomes a human toilet in that video.  So a human toilet is making an eau de toilette.  OK maybe I am making a stretch for that but I find it ironic.  So the perfume will be yellow and very musky with hints of asparagus.
 
Jessica Simpson is pissed, well the picture makes her looked very confused but trust me she is pissed.  She said she was deeply hurt by Pamela Anderson's comments last week and wanted to go on attack mode but her family talked her out of it.  Now she said she isn't going to do anything about it.  My dream is that they settle things with hand grenades in a locked room.  My other way of settling things involves lingerie, honey, chocolate, feathers...basically anything that you see on Cinemax after hours.

Who the hell is this guy?  See I can read minds.  This is Jeremy Jackson.  He was on Baywatch.  He played David Hasslehoff's son Hobie.  He was arrested at age 19 for making meth and possessing a meth lab.  He is now 27, yes 27.  On the bright side, he looks younger than Ali Lohan.

Jim Carrey and his girlfrined Jenny McCarthy donned the same bathing suit this week.  Who wore it better?  Maybe I shouldn't play this game.  I don't want to get sued.  If I were to wear the same bikini as my girlfriend I would just die.

Guess the Ass...she used to possess one of the most ballyhooed asses in Tinsel Town until Kim Kardashian hit the scene.  That is Jennifer Lopez.

This is Jaslene Gonzalez, winner of season 8 of America's Next Top Model.  See reality tv must not pay.  She obviously can't afford to buy an entire outfit.  This picture reminds me of my college days when I had assless chaps but could afford a belt to hold them up. 

All I could think of when I saw this cover was that Jamie Lynn looks like childbirth and motherhood has taken its toll on her hair.  It has turned her hair gray or maybe she is just trying to fit in and be a new checkout gal at the local Piggly Wiggly.  I look at the second picture and get the feeling that Jamie Lynn didn't get the best prenatal care nor did she follow any restrictions the doctors gave her.  I think baby Maddie is starting to take after Aunt Britney.

Here we see Heidi Klum.  What is wrong with me and my women eating ice cream cones fetish?

Heidi and Spencer?  I asked for the SWAT team and I get the TWAT team.

Hayden Panettiere, please don't be like that baby.  I am better than Milo, sure he is buying you a $200,000 engagement ring but if you give me enough time and Cracker Jacks I can find you the best engagement ring ever.

OK, another Gayrod divorce story.  While he was out messing around with Madonna, his wife Cynthia took $100,000 and went to Paris where she blew all the money and hooked up with Lenny Kravitz.  I took the high road and didn't say "blew all the money and Lenny Kravitz".  She also has hired four of New York's best divorce attorneys and barred Alex from seeing their children.  Oh and to be mean, she maxed out all his credit cards.  Ah, true love!

In totally disgusting news, this week Flava Flav told a reporter when he lost his virginity.  If you were thinking his age would be in the double digits then you would be wrong.  Flav claims he was 6 when he lost his virginity.  Yeah that is just too nasty to comment on any further.

Another round of Guess the Ass.  This ass belongs to a desperate housewife who is popular for some odd reason even though her movies are crap and I totally hate her husband.  Before I go into roid rage, it's Eva Longoria.

In news of the truly bizarre and in news of aren't they dead, Elvira came out and admitted to losing her virginity to Tom Jones.  OK, that would have been fine if she stopped right there but NO.  Elvira told reporters that after the deed, which she describes as horrible, she had to go to the hospital for stitches because Tom was so immense.  The next night she went back to see him because she thought they were in love and were getting married but she walked in on Tom in a 3-way with two of his back-up singers.  I knew it!  Bands have back-up singer for more reasons than just singing.  Wow, another story of true love.

Here is some hot girl on girl action featuring Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi.  Wow, who knew they were more than just friends!  What?  They're lesbians and they plan on getting married?  Why am I always the last to know these things?  OK, that is just me expressing my frustration.  I found out a girl I recently took a liking to is a lesbian. Strangely that isn't the first time that has happened.

Drew Barrymore and the Mac Guy, Justin Long, broke up this week.  Apparently they have been dating since September of 2007.  I guess time flies when you really don't give a fuck.

We almost lost this national treasure this week.  David Lee Roth was pulled over by police in Canada for speeding.  He was trying to get to a hospital because he was having a severe allergic reaction to some nuts that he ate.  The police got him to the hospital and David was treated and recovered.  Man, can you imagine if Paris Hilton was allergic to nuts.  If that were the case her social life would be OVER!

Christina Aguilera has an addiction.  A lady noticed Xtina's addiction this week when the singer was out to eat with her husband.  Apparently Christina is addicted to lip gloss.  The lady said that after every time Xtina would take a bite of food she would then reapply her lip gloss.  OK, maybe she just has really chapped lips or maybe she has one of those oral fixations I hear about.  I can also tell you I have heard of people being addicted to coke, crack, smack, and booze but never lip gloss.  Maybe there should be a comment about being blonde here but I don't think blonde is her natural color.

This is Cheryl Burke, one of the professional dancers on Dancing with the Stars.  Who knew that professional dancers could be so curvy?  Certainly not me or anyone who watches any of the millions of dance related programs on tv these days.  She looks fantastic.  the only way the other female pros on Dancing with the Stars have attained curves is through surgical means.  Man, two Dancing with the Stars stories, something is seriously wrong with me.

Wow, this photo of Brooke Hogan is hot and when I look at it I don't get the feeling that she is a man.  She is very hot from the neck down at least.  She needs to look into that sunscreen stuff for her face.  Speaking of suncreen this medicine the doctor gave me requires me to use sunscreen.  He said that I could get severely burnt if I am in the sunlight for over 10 minutes.  I am such a freak.

Here we see Ashley Tisdale.  You know, when I stare longingly at a woman's bikini bottom, I do not want to see the word kill.  That just freaks me out, sort of like how dogs freak me out.  Don't let their floppy ears and hanging tongues and general goofiness fool you, they are pure evil and bent on world domination.

It's hard to believe that Amanda Bynes is no longer 12 years old and is all grown up.  I just saw her in a TV show the other day in which her character was planning on having sex for the first time.  so basically it is hard for me to look at her wearing that see-through top.  I mean I still find episodes of her from when she was on Figure it Out.  Does anyone remember what the secret slime action is?  DAMN!  I got slimed.  Summer Sanders just told me the secret slime action was being a pathetic blogger.  At least I am better than Danny Tamberelli.

Amy, why would you show us that?  WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?  To give her the benefit of a doubt, she is on a lot of illegal drugs and probably just forgot to shave or trim.  Why do I care?  email me to find out the horrible truth.

Britney Spears was invited to join Madonna on tour this week.  Britney you better not take Adnan with you otherwise Madonna will steal him.  Maybe you should take KFed and that way he can destroy Madonna's career much like he destroyed yours.  They plan on calling the tour the Sticky and Sweet tour.  Hmmm more like the Dry and Sour Tour.  Even though Madonna is known for stealing husbands as of late she is also known to get down with the ladies as well.  I think she wants Britney to eat some tuna but if Madonna asks Britney that or even asks to toss her salad Britney would probably say, "No thanks.  I am on an all Cheeto diet."  Oh Madonna, will you ever learn to be satisfied with one person?

Well I hope I was funny again this week.  Some of my plans for this week for blog entries depending on weather and health will be random funny pics, motivational pics, a porn spoof review, comic books, tattoos, and then another celebrity round up.  Here's to hoping I stay healthy and it isn't stormy.  Have a good weekend!

I just want to begin by thanking UR_Muse for recommending my blog.  It is nice to have the new visitors to my site who aren't looking for lesbianic pillow fights where the combatants are dressed like Princess Leia in her slave outfit as captive of Jabba the Hut.  I hope that I do not disappoint in my offerings or lame attempts at humor.  I won't commit seppuku but I will take constructive criticism.  Overall I am so happy, my little blog is slowly garnering a following.

So, let me begin by asking, did you see it?  Did you see it?  Did you see the massive train wreck?  Did you see the massive train wreck on VH-1 last night?  The massive train wreck that is called I Love Money.  My God!  That show makes Springer look tame.  I sat back and watched in disbelief that these contestants were actually considered adults.  The fighting, the drinking, the sexuality, the nose picking...all of these are factors that will probably contribute to I Love Money being the highest rated cable show during the summer.  The previews for the upcoming weeks...all I can say is that I will probably watch, not as a fan but as a sick and sadistic human being, the same people that circle the block just to get another glimpse of the car accident.  I Love Money, VH-1, Sunday nights at 8pm central standard time and then they usually replay it Monday mornings, I had to watch twice because that is how bad this show is...by the way they started promoting their next train wreck...New York goes to Hollywood.

I don't have much of a theme today.  I went through my files before a line of thunderstorms made me shut down and found some of the recalled children's books that shockingly appeared in my former school's library.  Glad I don't teach there anymore.

Well I hope those brought as many smiles to your face as they did to mine.  These failed children's books bring a sense of delight to this bitter heart of mine.  Tomorrow, I have a doctor's appointment where I will probably learn that there is more things wrong with me.  God, I hate getting older, I should have listened to my grandfather, who told me before he died, "Never get old."  Anyway I will be back tomorrow.

Our founding fathers could beat up your found fathers.

Well here we go, another week has come and went.  I went out today with my folks just to say I got out and got some air.  They needed to do some grocery shopping so I felt like it would be an excellent time to get some reading accomplished.  I am currently stuck on Chuck Palahniuk novels.  I read Survivor in two days and today I started Invisible Monsters.  I love his writing style.  Anyway enough of my literary loves.  We went to eat at a Chinese resturant and I destroyed that buffet.  I went in with my belt in the second to last hole.  After crab rangoons, egg rolls, spring rolls, coconut chicken, sushi, udon noodles, fried rice, General Tso's chicken, and sugar covered fried donuts, I went to the bathroom and had to undo my belt because it wasn't holding my pants up.  Yeah, I went down.  I needed a new hole.  Seriously something is wrong but I guess weight loss is something I need.  Next door to the Chinese joint was a movie store that was running a used DVD sale where you buy 2 and get two free.  I got a few new movies.  Then it was off to the grocery store.  I picked up a six pack of Schell's for J.  I tried to read back in the car but my medicines kicked in and in a bad way.  See I haven't really been upfront about one of my side-effects.  The combos have made me hyper-sexual.  My libido is way elevated however I remain celibate.  It was difficult sitting there and focusing.  I bet you have picked up on this in my recent posts.  It is a strange affliction.  All I know is it sucks being alone right now and it is driving me nuts...bad choice of words.  I tried to go out to see some fireworks but I couldn't concentrate.  The fireworks were delayed because of where they shoot them.  It is across the lake from the hospital and of course someone had to be transported by medical helicopter tonight so they couldn't launch fireworks because they would mess with the helicopter.  Anyway I went home and then right as I got home they started.  It wasn't special but it still made me think of my independence.  It's all good.  Too bad I am not independent of prescription drugs.  Soon though...soon.

I thought we'd start this post with a little nip slip.  This is Bridget the Midget.  No I am not being insensitive.  That is her stage name.  Well maybe not stage but it is her pseudonym.  She is a porn star.  Yeah, I know little people porn stars.  She actually is pretty popular in celebrity circles and this photo just caught her at a bad moment.  Now my sick thought, I wonder what it would look like if her and Mini Me got together.

Tyra Banks officially made it to the pop culture hall of fame.  She got the wax figure treatment.  Now we will never hear the end of it on her shows.  "So my guest today said that she survived falling 12 stories while on fire and then had a heart attack on the way to the emergency room.  Oh by the way do you know that I have my very own wax figure, how awesome is that?"  My whole issue with this is I can't tell which is the real Tyra.  I guess we will have to wait until one of them explodes in a tirade and then we will be able to tell which is wax.

Tom Cruise turned 46 this week and I have no clue what is going on in this photo.  I have thought that maybe he got caught looking at those David Beckham ads I posted a week or so ago(notice the stains).  I think my theory is applicable.  My other theory is that this picture is involved in one of Tom's elaborate birthday party games called Hide the Sausage.  I won't go into detail otherwise he might sue me.

Stephen Baldwin made news this week.  He threatened to move to Canada if Barack Obama won the election.  Come on people, let's vote for Obama.  We need to get rid of this Z-Lister douche bag reality star.  Seriously, America could do without the weakest Baldwin brother.  I really have no respect for any celebrity who says they will leave the country based on the outcome of an election.  I am looking at you Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon.  Whomever gets elected still is going to be in charge of the greatest nation in the country regardless of which aisle they lean to.  Well maybe not the greatest country when it comes to health care but still it's pretty good.

Spencer Pratt admitted what a class act he is.  This photo was taken about 5 years ago.  Spencer took the photo.  That girl all blitzed is Mary Kate Olsen.  Spencer sold this photo to a paparazzi agency for $50,000 and that folks is how he became relevant in Hollywood.  Today I don't think a photo of the Olsen twins could fetch $50K, not even if they got in a time machine and went to Dallas, TX on November 23rd, 1963 on the grassy knoll and they are holding smoking rifles. 

How sexy is this?  I hope that is cherry pie...down boy.  Rachael Ray is getting sued.  A former accountant from her show was fired for a health problem.  Rachael found out that this particular male accountant was an anorexic and she raised the issue at a staff meeting where she said, "Anorexics have no place in our society and do not deserve jobs nor to live."  Well the guy was fired the next day and now he is suing.  I hope he takes her down and we never have to hear from EVOO's ass again.

Pete Wentz, on the right, did an interview this week where he admitted some things that would have been a real question mark to his wife, Ashlee Simpson, if he said them before they got married.  Pete admitted that he likes making out with guys.  When asked if he went further than making out, Pete said that he thought penises were ugly.  He never did answer the question.  If I were Ashlee, I'd watch out for Pete getting together with the guys.

Paris Hilton is upset with her boyfriend Benji Madden.  Paris wanted to get a tattoo commemorating their love but Benji put his foot down and said no.  His reason; he thinks Paris is a pure girl.  Obviously he has never heard about One Night in Paris...she wasn't so pure in that.  Benji Madden needs a straight jacket.

Trying to keep up with today's blonde bombshells, Pam Anderson opened her mouth and not for Tommy Lee, rimshot.  Pam admitted that she hates Jessica Simpson and in an interview she proceeded to call Jessica a bitch and a whore.  Hmmm, isn't that the whorey bitch pot calling the whorey bitch kettle black?  All I know is I can't wait for Jessica to retort because this will be a hell of a battle of the brains.

I learned a lot about Megan Fox this week.  I first found out that she was engaged to Brian Austin Green of Beverly Hills 90210 fame and then I found out that she admitted the only reason she dated him was that he was "endowed".  Then I found out that she dumped him.  I guess she realized there was more to a guy than his penis.  I guess this means I still have a chance.  Too bad the most important accessory for woman is the man she is with.

Marc Anthony, JLo's husband and Skeletor impersonator, is a pimp.  Look at that shirt.  I have heard rumors of guys going around with three buttons unbuttoned on their shirts but I just dismissed it as rumors.  Now here is proof positive that it does exist.  I guess if you have the chest hair of a high school freshman then you want to flaunt it.

This is Lucy Pinder.  She is a British model and frequently appears topless in British magazines, even their news magazines.  God, maybe I should leave America if the wrong state assemblyperson is elected. This photo shows my love of summer and girls with ice cream cones....yeah chalk that up to the medicine.

Madonna is divorcing Guy Richie and she is already working on her next man.  Rumors are flying that she is seeing Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees.  From here on out I will refer to him as Gayrod seeing as I am a Red Sox fan.  Gayrod is saving special seats at Yank-me stadium for Madonna and also he is showing up at her New York apartment during the evening and leaving in the morning.  The doormen of the apartment building are the ones breaking this story.  My advice for Gayrod is RUN!  Madonna has ruined athletes careers in the past.  She was linked to Jose Canseco and after they split his career plummeted.  Then she was linked to Dennis Rodman and his career in San Antonio suffered but then he broke up with her and headed to Chicago where he won a few titles.  Gayrod...RUN!

This just in, Gayrod's wife Cynthia isn't happy with her husband.  See last year, he cheated on her with a stripper and now he is cheating on her with a famous stripper.  Well she got fed up and apparently she is cheating on Gayrod.  Her poison is Lenny Kravitz.  Everyone is screwing everyone.  AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! Here I sit all by myself.  I think this is that stuff they call "swinging".

A source said this week that Lindsay Lohan is enjoying playing "house" with her girlfriend Samantha Ronson.  They are living together and apparently Samantha is the husband and Lindsay is the wife in the relationship.  It is nice to set up those roles.  I think they aren't playing house but they are playing doctor and Lindsay is the curious OB/GYN intern and Samantha is the patient who needs to be examined and all the curious intern has to examine the patient is fresh produce from the organic farmer's market.  My mind is wandering.

In sad news, my childhood is dying.  Larry Harmon, who played Bozo the Clown died this week at the age of 82.  The Grand Prize Game seems empty without Bozo.  I wonder if that will somehow be used at his funeral.  I also wonder if Professor Andy will be playing organ and maybe Cookie the Clown and Spiffy the Clown and Wizzo the Wizard will be pallbearers.

Time to cheer up with a Guess the Ass contest.  The owner of this ass is on the Bold and the Beautiful, hey it's summer and there isn't anything else on.  According to imdb she has appeared in 1586 episodes.  How the hell do the writers keep it fresh after 1586 episodes?  Maybe they have episodes involving murder and the only thing the audience see is the killer's ass.  Anyway, enough with the suspense, Katherine Kelly.

This is a fun little story.  Jessica Alba is tapped to star in a remake of the cult movie Barbarella.  The movie is being directed by Robert Rodriguez.  Originally the role was supposed to go to Rose McGowan who is dating Robert Rodriguez.  Studio executives didn't like the choice because they said they wanted a bigger name to take the lead role.  Robert had to break the news to Rose and she flew off the handle and they eventually broke up. Well I approve of this movie because I am beginning to think that it will be Showgirls times 10 in terms of craptality. 

This one for the ladies?  Here we see two things.  First we see Jake Gylenhaal training for his role in Prince of Persia.  Second we see the gayest pose ever.  At first I thought Jakey-poo was training for the sequel to Brokeback Mountain....ah Brokeback Mountain jokes after all these years.

Apparently her pop music career wasn't taking off seeing she made all those self-serving music videos.  Heidi Montag has decided that she is going to devote her life to the Christian music scene and is cutting a Christian record.  She has also said that once she is done with the album she is going to Africa to build "stuff".  Yes, she said build stuff.  In related news Africa has closed its borders.  Why did Heidi decide to go Christian, other than the reason I mentioned above?  Well she said she is being persecuted by bloggers just like how Christ got persecuted.  Yes, she compared herself to Christ.  What a class act!  Somewhere Christopher Guest is feeding her lines and secretly taping his next movie.

In news that the apocalypse is upon us, there is a Friends movie in the works.  Due to the popularity of the Sex and the City movie people got it in their heads that a Friends movie would be a good idea.  I think they should call the movie The One Where Central Perks Blows Up with All the Friends Inside and there are No Survivors.  I hate this show and will despise the movie.

I'm conflicted.  I don't know if we should play Guess the Ass or Guess who takes it in the ass from fire hydrants. I guess her husband is a loser and even though his team was favored to win in the NBA playoffs he couldn't come through and thus made his wife very desperate seeking out love from fire hydrants.  End of suspense...Eva Longoria.

David Beckham is such a wanker.  Somewhere Tom Cruise is drooling because they are such close "friends".  Eureka!  Now I understand the Tom Cruise picture from above more clearly.

The second place contestant or first place loser of American Idol, David Archuleta was interviewed this week and he admitted to being awkward with girls.  He also admitted that he had never kissed a girl....but boys on the other hand....

The guy in the picture is Cristiano Ronaldo.  He is one of the greatest soccer players in the world but this is some sort of sick game that he shouldn't be playing in front of children.  WTF!  Maybe he should be getting to know Tom Cruise.

A tisket, a tasket, a crackhead in a basket...What the hell is Courtney Love doing?  This photo was taken in Malibu so my bet is that her boyfriend is pushing her around so that she can scare old rich white folks.  They in turn scream, "AAAH! A homeless person! Let's evacuate to Beverly Hills!"

Another round of Guess the Ass.  Nick Lachey left Jessica Simpson for this woman.  OK that is easy, Christina Millian.

Christie Brinkley is divorcing her husband and things got really spicy in court.  She accuses her husband of screwing their 18 year old babysitter and paying her $300,000 to keep it quiet.  She also claims that he spends upwards of $3000 a month on internet porn sites.  He says that he needs the porn to get in the mood to have sex with Christie.  What a fool! 

Still more Guess the Ass.  These Hills are worth watching.  That is Ashley Tisdale.

Here we see a pregnant Ashlee Simpson coping with her newlywed husband admitting to enjoying making out with guys and she is expecting a baby boy.  Why is it that I normally find her repulsive but now that she is pregnant I find her attractive?  I must be a freak or just hopped on goof balls.

Anne Hathaway proved how much she loved her boyfriend.  She ratted him out to the FBI.  He was only pretending to be the Vatican's CFO and he ripped a lot of people off.  Still just over that measly matter she ratted him out to the feds.  Ah, true love!

Amy Winehouse was up to her old self this week despite having the lungs of an 80 year old.  A photographer captured Amy jumping into a random car in London.  This is how I plan on scoring a wife some day.

I saved the "best" guess the ass for last.  Those cheetos are starting to show on her and also if you enlarge the photo you can see that she hasn't seen her waxer in quite a while, not that I recommend taking a closer look.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder...that is Britney Spears.

Britney's father isn't pleased with this.  Britney is back dating Adnan.  I guess she couldn't get enough of that landing strip.  You know I am thinking their relationship is a modern day version of Romeo and Juliet, a pair of Cheeto crossed lovers.  Why do I mention Cheetos so much when I talk about Britney Spears?  Well she loves them and that is what her diet revolves around.

News broke today regarding the reason why Mel Gibson went on vacation with Britney and has been repeatedly spotted dining with her.  See Mel has been trying to hook Britney up with one of his sons.  Apparently Mel's son and Britney are around the same age and Mel thinks they would make the perfect couple because he son has been in rehab and has made excellent progress in recovery and supposedly that will help Britney work with her demons.  Hmmm, pairing up two addicts...yeah that will work.  Apparently they didn't hit it off when Britney went to Costa Rica which was their first date together.  Man that is nice to go out of country to a resort on a first date.  When Mel's son came out Britney avoided him and flirted with her bodyguards and then flirted with cabana boys.  Yeah, Mel Gibson should stick to acting and racist tirades instead of playing Yenta the Matchmaker.

Well I hope all of you enjoyed your Fourth of July.  I leave you with this question, was there a fourth of July before 1776?

Today was a fun day.  I actually got more than 2 hours of sleep, it was around 6.  That really made my day right there.  I ate some nice bagels, they were Tuscan herb.  Then I got cleaned up and headed off to the Dells.  It was a fun drive because it was my first unaccompanied time driving in about a month.  See, I was on an imposed non-driving phase while I was on steroids.  I have two more days but the side-effects are starting to wear off.  I am no longer having the violent mood swings.  The only thing I noticed about driving is that on some of the curvy country roads I took, I started to get dizzy and nauseous.  I made it to the sports bar.  It was hard to sit at the bar and not be able to drink.  I saw one of my favorite summertime beers on tap and I knew I would not be able to have any.  I drank Sprite.  Sprite is not an adequate substitute for a Summer Shandy.  I had the breakfast burger and then splurged and had some fried cheese curds.  Then we went to see the new Indiana Jones movie.  It wasn't great but it wasn't bad.  I could totally understand why they kept the plot top secret and didn't really promote the story.  Anyway I went down by Lake Delton and saw the devestation.  Then the FIBs came in so I hightailed it home.  I get home and think I am going to have gained weight.  I lost.  Something is wrong but oh well.  It does sort of suck having my belt tightened as far as it goes and I still have to hold my pants lest I have a wardrobe malfunction.  I also got sunburned today probably because I used my air conditioning system otherwise known as open windows and sticking my arm out the window.  Air conditioning in the car messes with my asthma.  I haven't done this in a while so here comes a tattoo update.

He isn't straight out of Comptom but his tattoo is.

I seriously have nightmares about the stuff featured in this tattoo.

I know plenty of people that want to take razors and nucks to Jar Jar, in fact I am one of those people.  He ruined Star Wars.

OMG! I see Jesus in that tribal junk tattoo.  I am going to chop that arm off and sell it on eBay.

I have studied theology for quite some time.  I seriously doubt that angels have tattoos.

This tattoo was entitled Pride and Joy.  Pride and Joy?  If that was my tattoo I would demand my money back and that the shop pay for the laser removal.

If I saw this tattoo on a girl, I would run away in fear.  For those of you who don't know, a couple summers ago I was bitten by a spider and I almost lost my leg.  I would see this tattoo and worry about spiders in various caverns.

If Metallica looked this bad in real life do you think they would sell any albums?

If only the Irish girls I knew had nipples larger than their noses....you know Ireland probably would be a whole different place and you would never hear about Irish drunkenness or that Irish temper...sure all you would hear about are those famous Irish nipples but is that really a bad thing.  They would even have to change that song, "When Irish Eyes are Smiling". "When Irish nips are nipping, you know it's loving time.."  Weird Al I ain't.

Here's a tip to all my readers...if someone dares you to get a tattoo, make them pay for it.  This guy didn't.

You know that if you are in a human anatomy class and you are getting ready for a test on the bones, studying from the book may be easier than getting a tattoo.

So is that a fur-de-lay?

Tomorrow...no plans...need to call someone...I can drive, too bad gas is $4 a gallon.

So today was another fun day.  I got lab results back and guess what...the doctor found something else that is potentially wrong with me.  Apparently I am low on potassium.  I don't get it.  I am eating healthy and eating so much fruit so I should be at the right levels but no, my body has a mind of its own.  I don't understand.  so I am on another medicine.  This one is fun because I have to drink a minimum of 10 ounces of water when I take the medicine and then I can't lay down for 30 minutes after taking the pill.  I am still losing weight despite having an elevated appetite mostly due to the medication I am taking.  That does sound weird but one of the side effects of my steroids is that my appetite may be unsuppressed.  Believe there were nights, long nights, of eating and then I find out that I lost weight.  I feel bad for all those people out there that try so hard and deprive themselves of food while I eat full bags of chips and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and Popsicles and all sorts of juice.  I have lost about 25 pounds in the last month.  The bad thing is it is probably all the nutrients I need or that is what I am thinking because of all the bad test results I keep getting back.  Tomorrow I am saying screw it and going out to the Dells to see a friend and I plan on eating Monk's Sunrise Burger...half a pound of beef, two types of cheese, bacon, topped with a fried egg, and all on toast.  Oh and it is also heavily buttered.  Then I may go watch a movie.  Who knows I may end up at Circus World.  I need diversions from all the bars in the area because I am supposedly not allowed to drink although at the wedding I had two beers and after one and a half I started feeling dizzy.  I am such a lightweight now.  Oh well, I will attempt some humor. 

I got to thinking again.  You know how life starts and porno movies end?  Well the only difference is that life begins with the orgasm.  They are the same to me because right now life seems to be a big fuck around.

The Amish.  At 4AM they were out with their buggies riding right past my house.  There were two buggies following each other.  I imagined they were having a low speed chase.  One Amish teenager was chasing another because he stole his best girl.  Then they chased each other off a cliff and their buggies exploded.  You know the Amish are a strange lot.  I hate to be anywhere near them or downwind of them during the summer.  See they don't believe in deodorant because it glorifies the body.  They get pretty ripe.  They do have awesome fruit and vegetable stands around here.  See they just leave the fruit and vegetables sitting on a table and then post the price for the items that they would appreciate and then you put the money in a lock box.  Well their have been times when I have had free meals provided by the Amish.  Like they need the money, they don't pay taxes.  Oh and they have cheap labor.  One family right outside of town had 23 children all by natural means.  Any of my female readers who have had children or are expecting, could you imagine 23?  My mom worked the ER when the wife gave birth to her 13th and the doctors warned her not to have anymore.  I guess the next 10 were a big fuck you to the doctors.  23 kids, god I don't think I even want one.

Picture time.

Why, yes, it is.

Strangely this sounds like something that I need for my hot stick.

This is wrong on so many levels.  You know, I miss Strangers with Candy.  I think I am going to buy the dvds.

Would you really buy something from her?

Would you eat here?

You know what people do in the privacy of their own home is their own business but there is no way in hell that I would shop at this place.

Why would people start smoking that in the first place?

So my only question is, what the hell is this guy protesting?

I read about this on a blog a long time ago.  See this guy smoked a lot of weed and decided to go to Burger King to try to cure his munchies.  Well he had a desire for bacon.  Look at the receipt.  He added 15 extra servings of bacon to his whopper.  That's $9 of extras.  The guy said the best part was when the order was sent to the grill, the teenager yelled, "What the fuck!"  Right now that looks like the food of God.

Speaking of bacon...this has to be the best bra ever and the easiest for men to remove.

My god...McDonald's is now making pizzas...the best looking pizzas in the world.

I could go for a Swedish canned hamburger right around now.

Why do the Japanese get the best in Cheeto technology?

They do say that oysters are an aphrodisiacs. 

Tub Girl, where won't you show up?

OK, I also have some links.
For those of you who want to keep up with your Latvian cover bands check out this awesome cover of the Ghostbusters theme song.

For those of you guys who are having a hard time performing and are too ashamed to buy Viagra, well try watermelon.

If you ever wondered if you could overdose on caffeine the answer is yes and this site tells you how many of a vast assortment of drinks it would take to kill you based on your weight.

I've been thinking today, which probably isn't a good thing, but I had a slew of random or should I say ran-dumb thoughts run through my head.
1.  The best part of having kids is making them.  I will probably receive hate mail from my friends who have kids but honestly I really don't think kids are for me at least having them at my home 24/7.  I can deal with them in 10 hour intervals, 5 days a week but not all damn year.

2.  You could make fun of the Amish all you wanted on the Internet and if they found out they would be hypocrites for using technology. 

3.  Chuck Palahniuk is one of my new favorite authors.  Just something about his style and panache that reminds me of Kurt Vonnegut.

4.  Hot weather hates me. 

5.  Barack Obama is making a smart move by reaching out to the Christians with his promises for expanding faith based programs.

6.  I love getting 500 hits a day but why do they all have to be anonymous and looking for lesbian pillow fights.

7.  Sometimes the biggest man may also be the smallest man

8.  I am confused about my hospital bill one doctor charged me $100 to see her and another doctor charged me $60 to see him.  For $100 you'd think I'd get a little something besides telling me that I am sick and need to be in the hospital, but thankfully I wasn't charged for all the attention I received.

9.  Three hours of sleep a day is not necessarily a good thing but it helps me get more work done.

10.  The supposed thing called love has thus far eluded me in my life and I think it is a lost cause.

I need some motivation.  Also one of these I only am posting because I have watched one too many episodes of Maury Povich...can you guess which one?

So I am also going to post some more music.