Another week in the books.  This weekend is the unofficial end of summer.  It seemed like a slow week for celebrity news, which is probably due to the end of summer and they needed a vacation before they go back to the strenuous jobs of being famous.  My day and weekend have sucked thus far.  My dad hit a skunk last night driving home from work in the fog.  Guess who had to clean his car...yeah me.  My eyes are now bloodshot and all I can smell and taste is skunk spray.  I also found out that the only way women can be interested in me is if money is involved.  Long story but it boils down to being approached and giving me this sob story about how her husband sucks and wants to have revenge sex and asked if I am interested.  I smile and she says for $100 she would make my weekend.  Yeah, that isn't the first time that has happened.  Now on to the celebrities.

Tom Cruise has hired David Beckham to be his personal trainer.  One of David's first acts as personal trainer was to cut down Tom's calorie intake to 1200 calories a day.  WTF?!?!?!  How will Tom survive?  Semen has 1000 calories an ounce (hey, I once had a health conscious girlfriend so that was something she made me look up).  Tom will probably turn bulimic and use David's 11th finger to bring stuff up.  The next thing David did was to sign Tom up for fencing lessons.  So that's what the kids are calling anal sex these days.

Tara Reid unveiled her line of beachwear which is ranged anywhere from $65 to $180.  Are you done laughing yet?  She has said that different colors represent different concepts much like the Native American power wristlets.  Tara said that in her clothing line the color black represents protection.  So that is why none of the bikinis near Tara Reid are black.  She does strike me as the type of person to live dangerously.  Guess what blue represents?  If you said "pulling out", you are correct.

Dancing with the Has Beens has announced the contestants for the next season.  Here is the list and their celebrity partners:
Toni Braxton (with Alec Mazo), singer, 40 - Expect a lot of super
slutty costumes
Lance Bass (with Lacey Schwimmer) gay boy band member, 29 -
Lacey and Lance?! I'm already annoyed.
Ted McGinley (with Inna Brayer) Jefferson D'Arcy, 50 - But
can he do the Bundy Bounce?
Cloris Leachman (with Corky Ballas) Frau Blücher, 82 - I hope she doesn't break a hip
Warren Sapp (with Kym Johnson) NFL sports person, 35 - I wonder if he will have to piss in a cup for this show
Rocco DiSpirito (with Karina Smirnoff)chef, 31 -
So there's TWO gays this season!
Kim Kardashian (with Mark Ballas) amateur porn star with a fat
ass, 27 - they reenforced the dance floor
Maurice Green ( with CHERYL BURKE!!!) Olympic sports person,
34 - Who?
Misty May-Treanor (with Maksim Chmerkovskiy) Olympic sports
person, 31 - I love volleyball
Susan Lucci (with Tony Dovolani)soap opera star and famous loser, 61 - I wonder if she will lose this one too
Jeffrey Ross (with Edyta Sliwinska) comedian, 42 - must have had to fill contractual obligations seeing they canceled his other show
Cody Linley (with Julianne Hough) Disney star on Hannah Montana, 18 - No.
Brooke Burke (with Derek Hough) big tittied robot, 36 - still hasn't named her son
Not that exciting and I am pissed off that Dan Quayle isn't on this show.  Maybe he isn't a has been and is trying to make a return to politics.

Steve Guttenberg looks like he has done a lot of honking.  I am not into this whole Jonas Brothers revolution.  I can't hear their music because everytime they are on tv they are drowned out be screaming prepubescent girls.  Some have compared them to The Beatles arrival but the difference between the Jonas Brothers and The Beatles is that The Beatles had talent.

When I first saw this photo of Shauna Sand, I thought she was hovering over the beach.  Who wears shoes like that to the beach?  Oh yeah, an attention whore like Shauna Sand.

What is with little girls posing seductively and then posting those photos on the internet.  This is 16 year old Nastia Liukin.  Does she win the gold medal in bikini modeling?  She must have learned all this from watching Miley Cyrus.  I guess I am just jealous because she is more talented than I am and can do things with her body that I will never be able to do in a million years.

Minnie Driver is still very pregnant.  No, I am not going to make a whale joke because I find her very attractive.  I have maiesiophilia.  I need to find a girl who has macrophilia.

Michael Jackson turned 50 today.  Surprisingly he didn't do anything extravagant.  I guess that happens when you are broke.  The photo on the left is what Michael looks like today.  The photo on the right is a computer image of what he would look like if he never had plastic surgery even though Michael claims to have never had surgery.

This is a scene from Mena Suvari's new movie, Stuck.  Lucky for us, we don't have to wait for it to hit theaters.  We can go straight to the video store and rent it because it was released straight to dvd.  Go figure.

Remember my scheme last week involving Megan Fox?  That how I thought about her breasts and then this photo was released and then I decided to dream of a sexual relationship with her?  Well this is freaky but a source on the set of her new movie, Jennifer's Body, said that she is in a hot sex scene with, get this, a girl.  Yes, she will be topless in a lesbian love scene with Amanda Seyfried.  I am anxious.

Matthew McConaughey's mom is releasing a book of her life and in that book she talks about how her husband, Matthew's father, died.  They had a special way of saying goodbye to each other every morning before he went to work.  Yeah, you got it, they had sex, and one morning he just collapsed on top of her.  Could there be a better way to go?  She also said that she and her husband went through a rough patch in their marriage and then they reconciled and of course 9 months later Matthew was born.  She then went on to say how she loved her little mistake.  I hope that book covers why she named her other son Rooster.  I need to find a way to get into that family because the stuff they smoke must be some primo shit.

Madonna's new roided up tour and stage show started this week and I am very afraid.  I fear her vagina is going to jump off the screen and beat me senseless.  How can she hold that microphone without it shattering?  She is so intense.  The thing has to be made of diamond.  In her show, Madonna compares John McCain to Hilter and Bobby Mugabe.  She also has a video with pictures of Obama alongside Gandhi and Lennon...not Vladimir Lenin, who would be a better link to Obama, but John Lennon.  I wonder who she will be voting for.  I miss the 80s Madonna who rolled around on stage in a wedding dress as if her vagina were on fire.  Yeah, she needs to go back to that instead of worrying about politics and working out.

Lindsay Lohan was spotted this week out shopping with some dude.  Wait that is her girlfriend Samantha, who has had an interesting week.  She and Lindsay's dad are waging a war of words on myspace blogs after Michael Lohan said that Samantha is using Lindsay to make herself famous.  Sam said Michael was a bad dad.  It seriously sounds like some of the 5th graders I used to teach.  Anyway, Sam has made a fantastic transformation into a dude.  Welcome to the wonderful world of peeing standing up.  Wait, they have that in Madison at the UW.  Certain co-ed dorms have a male urinal next to a female urinal.  Way to be progressive, Wisconsin.  FORWARD!

Kirsten Dunst is dating the Mac guy, Justin Long.  First that guy dated Drew Barrymore and now he is with Kiki.  They must get free iTunes downloads for dating that guy because there isn't any other explanation.

Kim Kardashian was "practicing" for her upcoming show, Dancing with the Stars, and she sliced her toe when she fell through a glass coffee table.  See she was standing on top of the table and it gave way and shattered.  She was probably shaking that massive ass like in Requiem for a Dream, and all I can think of that movie which would involve her is the phrase, "ass to ass".  If you want to know what that means, make sure you don't get the Walmart version but try to find the NC-17 version.  There are rumors that she may drop out of the contest.  Then how will I be able to take her seriously?

Michael Lohan challenged Kevin Federline to a match to see who is the better father.  No, he actually challenged him to a boxing match because they are both celebrity dads.  That is Lohan's whole reasoning as to why they should fight each other.  I bet the match will end in a no-contest therefore they will have to settle everything with a "who can screw his family out of the most money" contest.  My money is on K-Fed.

Kendra Wilkinson is moving out of the Playboy Mansion to get her own reality series.  She is leaving leaving fame, fortune, and a boyfriend whose balls are only slightly less wrinkly than his face.  Sources are saying that this new show is a perfect fit for Kendra.  You know what else is a perfect fit for Kendra?  A grain silo....think about it.

Kelly Osbourne was seen sporting a black eye this week.  I thought someone finally told her to shut up or at least showed her what would happen if she didn't shut her mouth.  I could never stand her during that whole run of that reality series.  The truth is that she woke up hungover and opened a cupboard too quickly.

Katy Perry was seen this week having a plaster cast made of her breasts for a breast cancer charity.  I'm not much into pop music but she has my attention and I can see why she got a record deal.  I also can see why a song about her kissing a girl would be at the top of the charts.  I couldn't find the video on youtube anymore but if you can you are a better person than I.

Kate Moss posed nude for Interview Magazine this week.  She is a great model who just happens to love being naked, but my question is isn't modeling about wearing clothes?  Not that I am complaining.  Maybe she is modeling gloves in this photo.

Kara DioGuardi is the newest judge on American Idol.  No, they aren't replacing anybody, but according to Simon, they have always wanted four judges and they added her to spice things up.  Wait....they already have twenty judges, if you count all of Paula Abdul's personalities. 

Jenna Jameson confirmed this week that she is indeed pregnant.  I am afraid to go open my closet because there might be a baby in there.  Now, I'm not against people having kids.  It's just that I could never see myself with kids there were my own that is sort of why I became a teacher.  I could have them for a few hours a day and get rid of them all summer.  Yeah, I am devious like that.  Jenna also went on to claim that she is a devout Catholic.  If she a devout catholic, then I am Thomas Aquinas.  Maybe she is, afterall during Catholic services they get down on their knees and only God knows how much time Jenna has spent on her knees....that requires the rimshot.

The Duff family is in the lead for the title of America's most dysfunctional family.  Look out Lohan family!  This week, Mama Duff sued her husband for $25,000 to throw Hillary a 21st birthday party.  Papa Duff refused to give her money so the court case went on.  The judge ruled in favor of the mother but awarded her $13,000 and he also sentenced Papa Duff to ten days in jail for being in contempt of court.  Man, all that for a 21st birthday.  When I turned 21, I went out at midnight which is now illegal.  I went out with one friend.  It was the most memorable time because one bar we went to all the townies started buying me drinks and then the bartender whom I went to college with gave me a special drink called an Ocean Wave.  It was a shot of Blue Curacao and as I downed it she threw a glass of water in my face.  My parents didn't even call me.  Maybe my finally should be in the running for that award.  It's not like they have so many kids to keep track of...I'm an only child whose birthday they seem to have forgotten.

Guess the Ass is back!  Thank god she doesn't look like a boy anymore like she did in her Oscar award winning movie.  That is Hillary Swank.

Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.  Heidi Montag and Spencer were in a grocery store this week for "unplanned" paparazzi photo shoot.  Heidi apologized for how awful her new song "Overdosin'" is.  Too bad she didn't apologize for the fact that Spencer was born.  In other news, my hatred for this couple has went up a color level.  By year's end, the Department of Homeland Security reports that my hatred could be at color Fuscia.

Hayden Panettiere says that her family is just fine and that an overzealous cop arrested her father for beating on her mother.  I think Hayden is delusional as Neville Chamberlain.  I don't think her family will have any peace in our time.

Hayden did turn 19 this week.  Everyone was invited: her family, her friends, her dogs, and her stalkers like me.  Somehow I lost my invitation but was pleased to see Hayden jump in the pool with her dog and give us all a birthday suit treat. 

Halle Berry posed in some lingerie for a magazine this week.  She is now forgiven for making that horrible Catwoman movie.

Maybe we should play Guess the Everything.  This is Elsa Benitez.  She was a former Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. I guess that only gets you so far in life.  Looking at this photo carefully makes me think she isn't Mexican but Brazillian if you catch my drift.

A judge denied DMX's request for bond.  DMX then cussed out the judge, who said that was the first time he heard some one drop the f-bomb in his courtroom.  The good thing for DMX is that one more stamp on his frequent arrest card and his next bond is free.  Keep your head up and don't drop the soap.

In sad news this week, Denise Richard's reality series I'm Constipated got canceled.  Guess people were not up to watching the robot hooker trying to find a f-buddy for her pet pig.  Not even the prospect of Richie Sambora could have saved this show.

David Duchovny announced that he was checking himself into rehab for sex addicition.  Strange, his character in his Showtime show, Californication, is a man whore so maybe the rehab stint is research.  I doubt it and I worry that something scandalous is on the way because why would a guy admit to having too much sex. 

I heard a rumor this week that Coco's camel toe holds all our governments secrets which are quite numerous.  Was the photo on the left taken in a Day's Inn?  That curtain and that carpet, they are so familiar. 

That is Christine Prody on the right.  She is O.J. Simpson's girlfriend.  She has had one rough year.  First, she fell down at a gas station and busted her head open.  No word was give as to why she fell but I think it is because her balance is thrown off by her chest.  OK, that was earlier.  Then she got in a car accident and her head and arms went through the windshield.  She was seatbelted in but her head and arms went through.  This week she and O.J. had their asses kicked by one of his daughters.  Christine needs to get out of that relationship fast otherwise there may be talk of bloody Bruno Magli's in our future. 

Christina Ricci was photographed publicly trimming her bush.

Wow, Christina Ricci made the Celebrity Round Up twice in one week.  It's been a long time since she's been on here.  Want to know how to get on more frequently?  First, all you have to do is wear no bra and turn on the high beams.  The other way to get on my site is to send me a 3,500 word essay on liquidity risk and its effects on the global economy.  You know, either or, I'm not that picky.

Chris Nolan wants Cher to play Catwoman in the next installment of the Batman movies.  That makes sense because the world needs more Cher.  I have read so many interviews where Nolan has said that he hates the Catwoman character so I don't really believe this story.  If they do have a Catwoman they should cast Cher and then for the Riddler they need to cast Elton John.  Then they can make the next Batman movie a FABULOUS musical.

Guess the ass.  This ass belongs to an Oscar award winner.  She looks better in a bikini then she did as a man-hating prostitute serial killer.  Charlize Theron.

Axl Rose saw Kelly Osbourn at a nightclub this week and with all the tact in the world, approached her and said, "I want to fuck you."  WOW!  This guy is a rock god.  Why is he settling for Spam when he could be dining on the choicest cuts of filet mingon and actually have numerous pieces at one time?  Of course he said that before she was spotted with the black eye.  Maybe he took out his aggression of having his music leaked out on Kelly's face.  Here is the link to the blog of the guy who got arrested for posting Axl's music.  Seriously how cool would it have been if they released Chinese Democracy in Beijing at the Olympics, I'd be drinking my free Dr. Pepper now.

Ashlee Simpson was told by doctors that she gained too much weight during her pregnancy.  To inspire her to lose all that weight, she purchased numerous pairs of size 0 jeans.  I think she could drop an easy 150 lbs, if she got rid of Pete Wentz and all his eyeliner.

Guess the ass.  This ass belongs to a model and sometimes actress.  Yeah her movies really suck and no way will she win an academy award like the other people in this game.  This is Ali Larter. 

At first I thought that this was Jessica Simpson, but then I realized she isn't wearing that dumbass cowboy hat.  That is Alicia Keys.  Yummy.

This is Sarah Palin.  She is John McCain's choice for Vice President.  She was Miss Wasilla in 1984.  I have mixed emotions about this choice.

I forgot to include this last week or in my hotlinks.  This is a link to the Jimi Hendrix sextape.  I really doubt that is Jimi, but it may be worth a view.

Well that is it for this week.  I hope your last weekend of summer is a smashing success.

Well, I am not liking this new Firefox I was forced to download because it is now screwing with the placement of these photos and I'm not tech savvy enough to figure out how to change it back to how it was supposed to be.  Anyway, today I got a call from that specialist I saw.  I got my results from a nurse and today he finally got around to calling me.  He just told me that he couldn't find anything wrong with me and that he recommends that I have more tests.  If anybody wants more proof that the medical profession is not out to care for people but to get rich, there is your proof.

In anticipation of the Republican National Convention, the Minneapolis airport has introduced laundry service and attendents in the men's rooms.

Here's another photobombing example that I found after I posted on that subject.  This one doesn't seem to be deliberate and the photographer probably wasn't aware there was naked junk in view.  Or maybe they did realize that guy was passed out nude on the beach so they couldn't pass up the opportunity for a photo.

The college football season started this evening and I am pretty excited.  I enjoy football.  I played and did some coaching.  It is much more fun to watch college and high school football because so many of the players are playing for the love of the game and the pride of their school.  I am beginning to think that I will boycott the soap opera that is the Green Bay Packers this season.  Anyway, Ohio State has been in the national championship game the past two years and in both contests they were destroyed.  No wonder they lose.  Their spirit squad can't even properly spell Ohio.

This is a prime example of why I do not recommend home-schooling.  I am sure that the parents have good intentions but then there is this.  The worst thing I ever faced as an athletic director was that a family who home-schooled their children wanted to have their children play on my private school's sports teams.  That was a quandry.  I'm just curious if anyone who reads this site was home-schooled or is home-schooling their kids.  Also are their any Flaming Lips fans or Furries out there who have children who resent your fur love.

Here is another one of the posts on Post Secret that I have found that fits my feelings.
 
This too is from Post Secret.  I have had this feeling as well.  I have had something like this happen but I just shrugged it off and laughed about it but later it really hurt and realized that people I thought were friends were just assholes.

The Olympics are over and from what I could tell, they were a success for America.  It seems like the only Olympic contests that ESPN bothered to cover were men's basketball and anything Michael Phelps did.  I thought it was great that America won the basketball gold medals but I don't think that they matter to the players.  There were at least 3 players on the team that came straight to the NBA from high school and made millions of dollars right out of high school so a gold medal which earns them $20,000 from our government is chump change.  It is also nice to know that there so many athletes are hooking up and representing their countries between the sheets.

The opening and closing ceremonies were visually outstanding but I didn't understand the Chinese.  Seeing the stadium I was awestruck, especially with that wrap-around video screen.  Then it occured to me that the nest design wasn't the original design for the stadium.  My friend who taught in China for three years once sent me a picture of the proposed design for the Olympic stadium and this was it.  When I look at it, I have two thoughts come to mind when I look at it.  The first is that it is the giant eye of the Chinese government that is watching every single move you make.  The next thought is that it is a vagina.  Either way I am glad they went with the nest design otherwise I would have been completely distracted.

This is not from the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling but from the Olympics.  I didn't know rectal examinations were a requirement of the athletes.

These images come from Japan.  Things are different over there.  These all come from a religious celebration.  I guess this is the modern Asherah Poles.  See, I've had so many years of theology and in the Bible it talks about the Asherah Poles.  They were poles erected for the worship of the goddess Asherah.  These poles bore a striking resemblance to the male anatomy.  It is strange because Asherah was a female represented by a penis.  She was also said to be the "consort" of a god named Baal, who was a god of fertility and the majority of services done to worship Baal involved shrine prostitution.  Asherah was also said to be a wife or concubine to the Jewish God.  And people think the Bible is boring.  These are photos from the Hounen Fertility Festival in Komaki, Japan.  You can read more about it here(it's number 3).  I don't know why but this is sort of disturbing to me.  People laughed at me when I wanted to start a yearly get together of our friends and suggested the name Bonerfest or Sausagefest because it was all guys involved.

Hot-Links
This website lists the contributions that people make to political campaigns.  It is fun to type in my zipcode and look at what people in my hometown contributed to which candidates over the years.  My childhood dentistcontributes yearly to the Republican Party and then the owner of a cheese store(Wisconsin, yeah there's cheese stores on every block) contributes yearly to the Democratic Party.  The link takes you to the amount of money Barack Obama has contributed over the years.  Hopefully, given his record of support, he hasn't contributed to his own campaign.  I find it funny that he just donated $4600 to Hillary's campaign.

When I first heard about blogs, I was sort of apprehensive because I thought it would be a group of juvenile girls discussing the cutest male actors and why Johnny Depp never won an Oscar for Pirates of the Caribbean or how their parents just don't understand or that they would make comments about things that are way out of their element.  Anyway, a friend on myspace found this young girl's blog.  She is very adamant about her faith.  Thanks to The Venerable Steve, I have another addiction.  Too bad she hasn't posted since the end of July.  I am thinking for my next project it is going to involve something with the LDS church.  I haven't figured it out yet but I know that Mormon movies are one of the hottest types of movies going today, even making more money than any Christian movie.

A woman was arrested in Wisconsin for not returning an overdue library book.  Read about it here.

When you make your own website, I strongly suggest that you preview your chosen name when it is written out as one word and make sure that there is nothing strange going on.  This guy didn't do that.  Maybe Michael Phelps could be a sponsor of the Speedo Fart.

Who can be this stupid?  Maybe it was just some sort of elaborate prank.  Still, who could be that stupid? 

And of course now, he is in rehab.  I wonder if he ever came across my website...bad choice of words when porn is involved.  Too bad he didn't read this article first.  I guess I am not a real man nor is a high percentage of the male population.

Do you play drums?  Do you need that perfect cymbal to complete your set?  Does it need to be penis shaped?  If you answered yes to all of those questions, eBay is your answer.

This will soon be the most popular website as well as the most hated website.  Just give it time....I make terrible puns.

Here's that article I was talking about in my last post about the guy getting arrested for posting Guns N Roses' "Chinese Democracy".  There is also a link to that specific site which is funny to read after the shit went down.

Well that is all I have for this evening.  I am thinking of posting a story I wrote the last few nights but you may be able to tell that I have the ADD as well as was sipping back a little too much cough medicine.  Tomorrow=Celebrity Round Up!

Here's something that is bugging me and keeping me awake.  I went to my feedback and was looking at the footprints.  Someone from Vatican City has been hitting up my audioblog.  Is Bennie listening to my picks?  I know that whoever it is, they keep coming to listen to the Doug Church that I recently posted.  I bet Pope Bennie Sweet 16 is an Elvis impersonator or at least he gets down to Elvis while he showers.  I guess it also worries me because I read about the blogger who posted some of Guns N Roses' "Chinese Democracy" and he was arrested and faces 5 years in federal ass pounding prison.  Maybe Bennie will just let me say a few Hail Marys on a rosary I got from Notre Dame.  I'm not Catholic so that may be a problem.

Come on, look how cool he is.

Big Pimpin'

Tom Lehrer taught me all I need to know about being Catholic in his song The Vatican Rag.

First you get down on your knees

Fiddle with your rosaries

Bow your head with great respect

And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect

Do whatever steps you want if

You have cleared them with the Pontiff

Everybody say his own kyrie eleison

Doin' the Vatican Rag

Get in line in that processional

Step into that small confessional

There, the guy who's got religion'll

Tell you if your sin's original

If it is, try playin' it safer

Drink the wine and chew the wafer

Two, four, six, eight

Time to transubstantiate

So get down upon your knees

Fiddle with your rosaries

Bow your head with great respect

And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect

Make a cross on your abdomen

When in Rome do like a Roman

Ave Maria, gee it's good to see ya

Gettin' ecstatic an' sorta dramatic an'

Doin' the Vatican Rag

Well I am off to watch some more of The Shield.  I got season 6 on Tuesday.  I will also post that Tom Lehrer song to my audioblog tomorrow because the upload thing is acting weird right now.  Maybe that will get the Vatican to stop viewing my site.

I guess today I sort of went back on something I said that I wouldn't do in a previous entry.  I said that I would not  get upset with a medical person over the delay of my test results.  Well today I called and I asked my regular doctor if the results were in and he said that they came back inconclusive and I would probably need more but the good thing was that right now they could be just blood tests so I could do that on my own schedule rather than having to set up an appointment.  I hit the ceiling and yelled that they are bleeding me dry, notice my wording, and that I refuse to spend anymore money on tests because thus far they haven't found anything wrong with me and any treatment I have received hasn't done anything for me.  I said that I should either not have to pay any bills or that I should be receiving a huge refund.  He didn't have much to say.  I think he knew that I was pissed off and this has been really stressful for me.  Then after that phone call I sat down with my mp3 player to calm down.  Well about 5 minutes of cooling down, I hear a knock on my backdoor.  It was my stalker.  I didn't need him around to make me feel worse.  Well I didn't answer the door.  After about 2 or 3 minutes he left.  I thought that would be the last time I would have to deal with him.  I turned on the tv and the playstation to take out my frustrations on the Madden gridiron.  Sure enough he came back.  He knocked.  I couldn't just turn off the tv because then he would know I was there.  Luckily I heard him enter so I paused the game and there wasn't any action on the screen. Well I waited.  5 minutes passed...knock knock knock knock knock.  Then silence.  I didn't hear the screen door open and close so I knew he was still out there...5 minutes pass...knock knock knock knock knock.  AAHHHHHHHHHH!  I put on my headphones just in case my door isn't locked and he decides to walk in.  The downfall here is that my backdoor has a large window on it so you can see who is outside but then that person can see inside all the way through the house and a person can see what is on the tv.  5 minutes...knock knock knock knock knock...5 minutes....knock knock knock knock knock...5 minutes...knock knock knock knock...I was praying that he would go away.  Eventually he did.  30 minutes.  He stood on my back porch, knocking for 30 minutes.  He just showed up.  No phone call, no nothing.  This is getting creepy again.  I have an embarrassing story about that window on my back door and what was on the tv but that is another story.  Remind me.  Right now it is time for some comic books.

In this issue we see the story of how Robin took on Salvador Dali all by himself.  I guess when Robin did anything by himself it was story worthy.

The reason why The Purple Mask, Phantom Reporter defeated these German troops is because it looks like he interrupted them from looking at scat porn. 

Not every wall is all touchy-feely.  Just this one and the one going into my parent's basement.  I have nightmares about that basement.

A muscular monkey....detached heads floating around in the air....no, absolutely nothing strange going on here.

Lovelorn and mummies?  Yeah, this issues explores mummies and necrophelia.  Look at the bird statue.  He is saying, "I don't get it either."

This cover sort of freaks me out.  It looks like that Dr. Doom clone is forcing that guy to smell his nasty gases.

Levi's three-legged jeans aren't any dumber than the acid wash jeans.  I know why Sabrina is spending so much time thinking about those jeans.  See, a three-legged man may have to sets of junk thus making a menage-a-trois fun for her.

Images are floating through my head of Obama fighting super villians, crushing tanks and special interest groups, and winning an election over all the enemies of the earth.

I'd be disgusted too, if I woke up next to someone that looked like that.  I mean Courtney Love in recent years is pretty disgusting.

Good call, Beachhead.  You know I hope your Nobel Prize nominated self isn't in the upcoming live action G. I. Joe movie.  I guess Beachhead is just trying to get us to know that is a potato because the more you know, the more you grow.  I remember too much.

A dragon slayer that is duking it out with a vampire sort of strikes me as the type of guy who lost sight of his original mission statement.

The CCC ran into legal problems with the KKK.   A trial of white supramcists versus clay monsters was conducted and when all participants were in the courthouse they decided to say that the trial had been postponed and then the courthouse was sealed and burnt down because neither white suprmacists nor clay monsters are of any benefit to mankind.

Well I am off to bed.  I'll be back tomorrow with some random stuff and hotlinks.

Well I am a little late today.  I am feeling better in one aspect but in another I am worsening.  I didn't mention this before but I applied to work for the state patrol however today I learned that I missed the cut by a couple points on my tests.  I also fell asleep this evening watching the Brewers and then once again watching Iron Chef.  I didn't sleep much last night.  I think I finally fell asleep at 6am and woke up at 8.  I am sliding back into insomnia, which can be a good thing because in the past insomnia has fueled my creativity.  I think it has something to with going 4 or 5 days without sleep and then I start having acid-like hallucinations.  I guess I need some motivation to get me to sleep tonight or to have me go back to being sleepless.

Well she spoke this evening and from what I gather there hasn't been a convention hall putsch...yet.
Therefore this is what we can expect to see...

So did you get your free Obama/Biden stickers from MoveOn.org?  Ordering one is free if Obama is your candidate and if not then I suppose you can still order one and mangle it to take out frustrations.  The choice is yours.

I'll be back tomorrow with a comic book update.

I decided it was time to do another porno spoof entry.  These always cheer me up and today I need a lot of cheering up.  My cats are in better health but it sort of hurts me to have to give them pills because I have to hold them and force their mouths open and drop in the pill and then hold their mouths shut so that they swallow the pill.  At least I am kind and give them a treat afterwards otherwise they would just run and force the pill up.  Myself, my health took a dip today.  I woke up at about 4am and wasn't able to speak.  I had such a sore throat.  I took some medicine and went back to bed.  Well I am able to talk without pain but I just sound very weak and hoarse.  I have another symptom which is from dehydration but I don't think you want to know what that problem is.  About a half hour ago my mom told me that a childhood friend killed himself.  We were friends during grade school but when I moved away from my parents for high school I lost contact.  We ran into each other in a bar about two years ago and he was psyched because he was getting married and had a child on the way.  It is weird to know that someone my age is now dead.  Well I have to get cheered up.  Porno spoofs

Just to begin, here's a little guide as to how they rate movies.  I think I will incorporate this into my current blog entry and I will have to say that it will be rated X.

Oh and if you are lonely and thinking of purchasing any of these titles, here's a handy guide to spice things up a little.

I don't want to alienate any females who read my blog.  I did do a google search for porn for women and this was what I got.

No that is not my cat.  Some of these titles may include these monsters.  Well, Ron Jeremy is in one of these following movies so I guess these are fitting.

Mission Phenomenal is better than any Tom Cruise Mission Impossible.  I think he should have pitched this movie when he went to the studio to pitch M.I.4, but, no, he just pitched himself blowing things up...not blowing things but blowing things up.

I doubt this is a "fairy" tale.  It looks like a fairy tale I would like to see.  I didn't look for the gay equivalent but I am sure there has to be a gay porn featuring the three bears.

Everybody wins on this game show.

Gordon Bombay must be proud as is the rest of Minnesota...don't understand?  Check it out here.

I guess Touched by an Angel was too obvious or that it sounds too much like some sort of creepy porn...oh wait.

I heard that Sean Connery was in this one as well as The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

Henny Youngman, the master of comedy and porno titles.  I don't care if he wasn't the first to say it, he'll always be remembered for it.

To remake his image and avoid being known as a pederast for the rest of his life, Michael Jackson makes a cameo in the porno spoof of Men in Black 2.  My question involves the tagline.  If they save earth from the semen of the universe, wouldn't that actually destroy the earth in the long run.

I wonder what they use for the General Lee.

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels even has a porn spoof.  That must make Steve Martin happy.

I found this on cracked.com and yeah this is a bizarre video.  To me, what makes this really creepy is the photo of Amy Winehouse covering up the nudity.  The logical choice for a spoof would have been Interview with the Vamp-Whore but porn is an illogical industry.

I think George Bailey would eat something else out in this movie.  You know it would be a fetish movie if Mr. Potter is in his wheelchair in this film during his scenes.  I may have to get this one for Christmas.

No thank you.  I think this is one movie that even Tom Hanks would turn down a role.

No way would I drink Budweiser....that's Buttweiser?  Well, let me think on that.

This is a scene from Not Bewitched XXX.  I haven't found a cover for it yet.  Ron Jeremy is in another porno.  You realize he got into porn because he couldn't make ends meet as an actor and he could meet his end if you catch my drift.  I think he probably has had a better career as a porn star than what he would have ever achieved as a mainstream star.

Not me!  Just like Everybody Loves Raymond, I can't stand that show.

Poon-Tang Clan ain't nuthin' to fuck wit....oh wait, check that...Poon-Tang Clan is sumthin' to fuck wit.

The Ramonator...Arnold must be proud.  He got his start in porn and one of his most famous movies gets the porno spoof treatment.  I guess it all comes full circle.

This is Roma.  It is a spoof of one of my favorite HBO series, Rome.  I thought Rome had enough nudity and sex in it that it couldn't have a porno spoof.  If you have seen this series, then you might recall the "gift" that was sent to Servilla...yeah that guy put Ron Jeremy to shame.

The Young and the Restless was a pretty sex-filled soap opera.  When I had pneumonia, I watched a few episodes.  I think this one is very different from that show.

Here's another HBO series that got a porno spoof.  Take it from me, the mob only exists in tv, movies, and now porn.

This Ain't The Munsters XXX.  I think this one will get pretty creepy especially with Eddie and his mother.  There was a forum on the official website and no one responded to my question as to whether or not the bolts on Herman's neck vibrated. 

I think a lot of people creamed over Jeanie back in the day.

This is the fifth edition and the answer is the same every time:  YOU NEVER HAD ONE!

Jenna Jameson at her best.  This was one of her last straight movies that involved her performing with someone other than her boyfriend.  I don't think that guy will be raiding any wombs, but if Jenna used some of those toys are the beginning of my entry, yeah those could.

I wonder if Isaac Hayes did the score for this spoof of Shaft.

Well that is all I have.  I hope you weren't totally offended.  Well I will be back tomorrow with some Olympic stuff and other random things.

So I was into photo bombing before I even knew what it was.  The point of photo bombing is to get into a stranger's photo and ruin their photographic moment.  I used to do this quite regularly at the bars during college.  First, I was always mystified when people brought expensive cameras to locations where there might be sloppy drunks who would break those cameras.  I realize it is nice to capture those special moments but I would never take a digital camera to a bar unless it was the Old Baraboo Inn but that is a different story and I blog I did in the past.  Anyway I would spy for random college girls who had cameras and in retrospect I guess it was more of a stalking.  When I found said girls I would wait until they got the camera out and then I would walk into the picture and make asinine faces to ruin the moment.  I am sure there are many photos of me floating around out there ruining the moment. 
I was caught once but I think this was the worst type of photo to ruin, a wedding photo.  It was 103, high humidity, I was in a tux, my shoes were two sizes too small (most tux rental places only carry 15s and I take a 17).  Basically I was not in a good mood.  We had to go to a special monument on the prairie that commemorated the corn industry of Minnesota.  This park had the world's largest fiberglass cob of corn.  The back-drop of all the wedding photos was of a corn field and this massive corn cob.  Being the asshole that I am I wanted to ruin a special moment.  I thought the best way to do this was to throw in a shocker.  Not a shock of corn but a shocker.   I knew the shocker quite well because I went to a Christian college that had freshmen initiation.  The freshmen class was divided into groups ruled by lords and ladies.  One group was called The Shockers and their symbol on this stupid shield that we had to make and wear the entire week was that hand gesture.  Then at the homecoming football game we had to do a performance.  I didn't.  I stayed in my room with some friends and we drank beer and played playstation. 
So there I was in at the edge of the corn field and it was so hot that I swear the corn was popping.  I was adjusting my tux coat and my ascot, yes, groomsmen wore ascots.  I had it planned perfectly.  Mother of the bride was also the wedding photographer...adjust my coat...make the shocker...hold it to my chest...sister of bride says, "hey put your hand down at your side." Then she shook her head in disgust.  I didn't ruin their wedding photo but I think I ruined the wedding dance, which I dj-ed because I didn't have some slide dance in my cd repertoire.  That took a long time to get to the photos.  Enjoy.

EVERYBODY SMILE!!!!  My goal in life is to ruin at least one wedding photo.  Too bad I don't think I have any friends who will be getting married any time soon.

Is that Fez?  Anyone who would want a photo with him deserves to have it ruined.

You have to look closely at this one.

I wonder who is bombing whom in this picture.

Just some random photos that were bombed.  And, no, that guy in the pool is not me.  This week I have some more random posts planned.  Hopefully tomorrow I will be doing another Porn Spoof entry.  I hope you enjoyed your weekend.

I haven't picked whom my running mate will be but I have to figure it will be someone in the news and is a lesbian because it seems like everyone loves lesbians but hates gay men.  SO to narrow it down my final three are Tila Tequila(only drawback is that I am about 2 feet taller than her), Lindsay Lohan(sobriety issues), and Ellen DeGeneres(dog lovers may not like her).  Everything this week has been politics, Olympics, and babies.  I think this may be a light edition but oh well. 
I didn't write last night because I went out to The Dells to see some friends from high school.  I haven't seen those crazy guys in about a year mostly due to gas prices and my health.  We hung out and played with fire and had some beers.  I used to make fun of the official beer of Minnesota, Michelob Golden Draft Light, but I have to say it didn't hurt me but I only had one.  Then at supper I had a Summer Shandy and I was in heaven.  Two beers this week is a big deal for me.  I got home late last night and I didn't want to stay up late typing.  There is nothing on the TV today besides talk of Barack Obama's vice presidential pick, Joe Biden.  I actually thought he would be the best pick a long time ago but then the news agencies aren't exactly banging on my door to get my opinion although they should.  Enough, let's dive in...subtle Olympics reference because diving has been on recently.  I'm a dork.

Victoria Beckham is suing a British tabloid magazine that claimed she was anorexic for ruining her stance as a role model for young girls everywhere.  ROLE MODEL?  She wears leopard print clothing and matching boots that I see hookers wearing on TV of course not that I would be paying for sex.  I guess her role modeling and best advice she gives young girls is to use two fingers for thinner thighs.

Tila Tequila has found love.  She is dating Courtenay Semel.  Don't ask me how to pronounce her name.  Anyway, Courtenay is the girl who turned Lindsay Lohan gay.  For being lesbians those two sure look like happy little squirrels and by that I mean they enjoy holding nuts in their mouths.  Rumor has it that Tila and Courtenay are working on a new perfume and it supposedly smells like boiled oysters and burnt chestnuts.

A little something for the ladies an the classic rock fans.  Robert Plant, the golden god, turned 60 this week.  Hopefully there are no sharks at his birthday party. 

Sienna Miller's house had some graffiti on it this week.  See she has stolen another married man, this time it was Balthazar Getty.  Don't feel bad for Sienna.  I guess being a slut has its advantages such as free home redecorating.

Prepare to see much more of Rihanna in the upcoming weeks.  Not that it is a bad thing to see her but maybe you can turn the mute on the TV like I do.  She is flat broke.  Of all the millions she made in the last year, she has nothing left.  I was thinking this is what happens when you illegally download music and make the artists go broke but then I saw this pair of boots that Rihanna was wearing the other day and realized she basically blew all her money on the proverbial magic beans. 

Ricky Martin became the father of twin boys.  He was trying to combat those gay rumors so he had his sperm planted in a surrogate who carried the twins to full term and will have nothing to do with their lives.  It will be Ricky alone raising his new boys.  No word on the names but I would expect something like En Fuego and El Caliente.  All this baby talk has me thinking....

This is Pierce Brosnan's wife, Keely Shaye Smith.  I just find this interesting because Pierce is the guy who had more panties mailed to him than the receiving department of a Victoria's Secret.  Some people claim that Pierce having her as his wife is sort of like Bill Gates buying a house in Compton or in *gasp* Florida.  I don't think true love should be based on looks.  I am happy for Pierce and Keely that they have been together all these years.  I just wish I could find a woman as like-minded as Pierce.

Notice anything different about Paris Hilton other than the fact that she doesn't have a penis in her mouth?  Oh yeah, those extensions look great.

A spokesperson for Paris Hilton claims that she hasn't had breast implants but that she likes to wear puch-up bras.  Another sources claims that Paris is pregnant.  I think it is from all the protein in those pearl necklaces that she likes to wear.

Do you have $250?  Well if you do and aren't affected by the economy, you could blow that money by buying a ticket to MIley Cyrus' sweet 16 birthday party.  Billy Ray asked her what special present she wanted for this party and she said she wanted a car.  Good thing she didn't say a video camera because then we'd be seeing more of what she's mimmicing.

For those of you who don't know me that well, I am a time traveller.  I recently went to the year 2020, where I saw that Madonna finally decided it was time to bring her son David into the act.  By the way Madonna turned 50 this week...the lady in the picture is the spittting image of Madonna.

Michael Phelps became an Olympic god or maybe even Zeus himself this week.  He has already received $100 million in endorsement deals but those are mostly from guys and ladies who want Michael to come to their house and model swimsuits in their bedrooms.  You know you did, mom.  And as we know from my last post, Michael Phelps is already reaching Chuck Norris levels of awesomeness.

Want to know how awesome Michael Phelps is?  He not only beats all the other countries, but he also plunders their women.  He is currently dating Stephanie Rice, an Australian swimmer.  Her boyfriend at the start of the Olmpyic games was a male swimmer from Australia who was expected to give Phelps a run for the gold but his best finish was 6th.  Michael Phelps is the ultimate conquerer.  I see the comic books now...Michael Phelps is carrying a trident and has an American flag cape and he is swimming through outer space either as a giant eagle or a majestic bottlenose dolphin to battle the evil aliens that are trying to colonize the Earth...well I guess my comic book idea is close to the views of Scientology who would have us build an intergalatic defense system because they aliens are coming.  Instead of that system, we have Michael Phelps.

Melanie C aka Sporty Spice is pregnant.  The first thing I thought of when I heard she was pregnant was: TURKEY BASTER BABY.  Who can blame me?  Did you ever see her in the Spice Girls?  She was the least popular.  I remember a poll a pop radio station conducted in the city where I went to high school that tried to figure out why people didn't like her.  The answer most given was that she wasn't straight.  Well if you must know the father of her baby is her boyfriend of 6 years and not a turkey baster.

Megan Fox was caught this week doing a breast exam on the set of Transformers 2.  You know the strange thing is that earier this week I was thinking of her boobs and then I get this photo.  WOW!  I'm magic.  Tonight I think I will dream of a deep meaningful relationship with her.  You know the little things make the difference...hey, no little jokes about me!

Lindsay Lohan resurrected her comic book alter-ego, The Bra-Less Wonder, this week  Lindsay, thank you for the side-boob but you have to start wearing a bra otherwise those things will start bouncing off your knees.

Kim Kardashian was performing with the Pussycat Dolls this week.  Performing with that group is soon becoming a coming of age ritual for any respectable whore.  So I guess lets crack open a bottle of Boone's Farm to congratulate her for finally becoming a true whore.

Lily Allen was photographed getting into a fight this week.  A French woman saw Lily and called her a "fucking asshole".  Lily wasn't having any of that mostly because she was drunk.  She really went to town on her and gave her hell.

The French woman did get a couple of strikes in and thankfully they tore Lily's shirt...Lily Allen's fight makes me Smile.  I think she needs a new song or something because I have beat that one like a dead horse.

Here's a little something for the ladies.  I always thought Kanye West would have a better physique.  This was sort of like an easy bake oven creation for me.  You are expecting an elegant cake and then all you get is a lump of soggy cake mix.

After traveling in time to find Madonna, I then travelled to present day Los Angeles to find JLo.  Somehow in the travelling, I lost my clothing.  This is JLo's reaction to seeing me naked.  Actually she claims she is training for a triathalon and any money she wins she will donate to a charity.  You know I will believe this when I see it.  I expect her to make all her assistants do all the work and they will have to run while carrying her in a litter and if you are confused about what a litter is check this out.

Jason Lee's girlfriend gave birth to a baby girl this week.  No word as to what the name is.  I'm sure it will be something strange because their son's name is Pilot Inspektor.  Jason claims he was listening to Grandaddy's album Sophtware Slump and heard the band sing about a pilot so he figured that would be a great name for his son.  Let's hope they listened to ABBA before she gave birth to their daughter.  More than likely, because of all the criticism for their first child's name, they will go with something tame and freak us all out with the name Jennifer or Elizabeth.

Jessica Simpson is now advertising for the Stampede Beer company, a company of which she owns 15%.  That company is now screwed.  The beer is supposedly a "healthy" beer and is filled with vitamins.  I'll get my vitamins somewhere else, like my Hawaiian Punch.  Someone needs to stampede Jessica Simpson.

Jessica Simpson really wants you to know she is a cuntry singer because she wears that dumbass cowboy all the time.  Do you really need to where it when you are swimming?  While we are asking questions, let me ask this; is that a bra?  It doesn't quite look like a bikini top.  I would also like to know where and what Jessica's hands are doing and where is she in the pool in relation to the flow jets.  I remember being a teenager and how my girlfriend at the time informed me why all the girls congregated around the flow jets of the public pool.  

Heidi Montag released a new single this week to coincide with the season premiere of The Hills.  The song is titled Overdosin'.  I didn't make it through the whole song because of all the vomit and I also ran out of q-tips that I was using to stop my ears from bleeding.  I think the only way Heidi will ever sell records is if she puts the title of this song into action.

Gwen Stefani gave birth to a baby yesterday.  I'm not sure if it is a boy or girl because the baby's name is Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale.  Is Zuma a girl's name?  Is it a boy's name?  What the hell is wrong with people?  Don't they realize those kids have to live with that name?  Maybe if I have a kid I will name him or her Cardboard Box Tupperware Smith.  All this talk of babies and their strange names makes me want to move to Mars.

Ellen DeGeneres married Portia De Rossi last weekend.  They finally became wife and wife.  Aw, how sweet!  We can see that Ellen wore a classy flannel shirt and that Portia is exteremely happy.  I would be exteremely happy too if I just married a pot of gold.

Donald Trump isn't a hero afterall.  He didn't buy Ed McMahon's house as reported last week.  He was outbid by an anonymous house buyer if there is such a thing.  Donald Trump released this statement when he was told that he wasn't buying Ed's house, "blah blah blah Rosie O'Donell is a fat slob."  Like I said there is no word on who bought Ed's house but my sources tell me that it was the last winner of the Publisher's Sweepstakes.

In some good but sad news, Christina Applegate is now cancer free.  The sad part is that she had to have a double masectomy.  She will be getting implants but I will make an expection for not caring for women with implants in this case.  Yes, like all politicians, I'm a flip-flopper.  Let's celebrate her being cancer free with the Bundy Bounce and a WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAA BUNDY!

An Islamic political party asked the Malaysian government to cancel Avril Lavigne's upcoming concert because her act is too sexy.  I think Avril Lavinge is about as sexy as granny panties hanging on a shower rod, but maybe by too sexy they mean too fucking annoying.

Here's Audrina Partridge doing what she does best, wearing a bikini and enjoying brainless activities.  It's not like she is ever going to be in the running for a Nobel Prize.  In one way she is very smart.  She is getting her money's worth out of those fake breasts.

Gayrod is now cheating on Madonna, the woman with whom he cheated on his wife.  He realized that the anorexic, roided up Madonna is a step down from this new Asian beauty.  Gayrod shouldn't piss off Madonna because she may experience roid-rage.  Maybe Madonna could come over to my house and rearrange my den to blow off steam.

Well it was Britney Spears free this week.  I think it was a slow week because everyone is focused on the Olympics or having babies or making babies.  I am off to take a nap.  I feel like a little kid again.

Another day and still no results.  I called up the hospital and apparently the lab where they sent my blood to be analyzed is quite backed up so who knows when it will be known to me what is wrong.  I don't want to get belligerent with the hospital or staff otherwise I will be labeled as a problematic patient.  It really does happen.  They mark down that you are a trouble case and you will receive different treatment than other patients.  It won't be better treatment but it will probably be less personal.  Complaining doesn't do any good when it comes to medical situations.  It may work in the retail world or the world of restaurants but not in the medical world.  Anyway today it rained and it was much needed.  I looked at my Blazer this morning and I saw some red leaves on top.  Fall is soon here. 

I am going to start with my hotlinks.

I forgot to include this in my Celebrity Round Up last week but it is pretty funny.  Ernest Borgnine was on FOX News' Fox and Friends.  He was asked what the secret to attaining 91 years of age.  His response was pretty shocking to the FOX Noise hosts.  Ernest has just discovered the true Fountain of Youth.  Check it out here.

This is one of the newest fashion trends and I approve, no, I demand that more women start wearing this item.  The little lights sticking down remind me of being a kid and my parents taking me to the Ice-Capades.  I never wanted to go but for some reason they thought I enjoyed figure skating.  I did, but only if sticks and a puck were involved.

Wow, that has to be incredibly loud.  If it was me, it would probably be the noise of sobbing afterwards.

It's nice to know that the athletes who represent our country in their respective sports are also getting a little nasty off the courts or fields.  I like how the Salt Lake games had the fest available condoms due to objections from religious leaders.  I think the Mormon church outlaws birth control.  I mean look at how many kids some of those families have...anyway it's a funny read.

Want to know why I watch women's Olympic beach volleyball?(I don't think you will be displeased)  Check it out here.  Now this is not why I coached volleyball.  That was because no one else would and despite the overwhelming odds I had a 30-7 record as head coach...yay me!

Since Michael Phelps has decimated the competition in the world of swimming, there is a mysticism surrounding him.  Much like Chuck Norris, Michael Phelps is a demi-god and also like Chuck Norris, Michael Phelps has his own set of facts.

I like comic books.  I like The Simpsons.  Can you imagine how happy I was when I found this site that drew comic book characters as characters on The Simpsons?  Oh I was ecstatic.  Check it out.

I don't condone this attitude but that URL is rather intriguing and clicking on the link takes you back to the 1950s.

I never did care for Gandhi.  He was sort of strange especially when it came to women.  He was also a racist and hated Africans.  One person that should have made the list was Mother Theresa.  She raised so much money for the poor but her shelters that she set up were so destitute that you couldn't tell the difference between the slums and the mission.  Most of the money she used to travel all over the world to get more money which never made it to its intended people.  Want to learn to hate some of the world's most loved people?  Go to this site.

Here is another reason why I do not use eBay.  The only good thing about this seller is that he has received only positive feedback.

I was thinking of doing a random posting on this topic but someone beat me to it.  These are some of the most ironic or stupid criminals out there.  I think the World's Greatest Dad was arrested on molestation charges so go figure.

"A boat's a boat, but a mystery box could be anything, it could even be a boat."  I love Family Guy as well.  I remember making these for a store in The Dells.  Most of the stuff inside was worth $1-2 but we charged $5.  The sad thing is people still bought them.

One night of being a designated driver seven years ago, my friend Tim and I were driving through a small town on the way to my house.  The drink of the night was $1 silo cans of Old Style.  After a stop at a 24 hour gas station due to another long story which I will not go into here, Tim and I saw some young teen kids walking.  This was 3AM so I yelled, "Go to bed."  The kids yelled back to perform an impossible sex act upon myself.  Tim then shouted back this...read the URL.  The artwork on the website looks like something I would have drawn after a few silos of Old Style.

This blog, Cake Wrecks, has become one of my new favorite reads.  It documents horrible cakes.  My favorite is the birthday cake that is decorated in a Grand Theft Auto motif.  If you don't know, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas is one of the most controversial games released.  The PC version contained a mini-game in which you can have sexual relations with your in game girlfriend.  You controlled the pace with arrow keys and changed positions with the space bar.  Anyway look for that cake, August 13th entry, and check how old the birthday boy is. 

I don't mind the in-house stripper for a bachelor party.  I might someday even let you in on one of my former jobs...no I wasn't a stripper.  I just don't know what to make of that baby.  She must see the topless stripper and must be getting thirsty.  Basically this is a WTF moment.

Drinking, dogs, cabin fever, and Minnesota don't mix so well.

And you thought that you were the obnoxious Misfits fan.

Another one of my ideas stolen.  That would be fun to have on my bed, of course it would look pretty creepy if I woke up under the woman's side.  See I sleep alone.  Also I don't know what guests would think if they saw that on my bed.  I mean people already know I'm pretty messed up but if they saw this I might get committed.

Another reason why The Dark Knight is the best movie ever is that Batman delivers Chinese food.  I hope he didn't forget my crab rangoons.  Oh check out this video from youtube.  I have wondered if something distorted Bruce Wayne's voice when he put on the bat suit or if he just tried to sound more macho.

Football season is set to begin so Bill Belichek is testing out his batteries.

So is that the best toilet ever or the best car ever?

Yes he is, and you know he doesn't shop at Hot Topic because Hot Topic is not punk rock.

Yoda this is.  With four ears he was born.

The things teachers have to put up with...it drove me to drinking.

All hail Cheesus Christ!

You know I have had those same worries.  It's funny but I find so many people on Post Secret with the same problems I am facing.

I may not have the Celebrity Round Up until Saturday because some old high school friends are going to be camping down in The Dells so I have to see them and maybe take them out for a beer or two and make them drink because my body can hardly tolerate alcohol anymore....it was a good run.

I still haven't received my test results.  I know this doctor is a busy doctor seeing he is part of the University of Wisconsin hospital system and he travels over half the state.  I have a feeling they faxed them to my regular doctor or else to my mom because she has so much medical expertise.  I need to find out what is wrong because for some odd reason I think things may be progressing in a negative way.  For now I am going to share some of my nerdiness with you in the form of comic books.

Did they get 4th graders to right this?  How about students from Luther Prep School?  See they spend all their time studying the dead language of Latin and yet have no concept of English grammar or spelling.  Like any of you care.  Anyway something about this cell makes me thing of George Carlin's expression, "Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity."  It seems like the woman in that cell is very pro-virgin.

Somehow King Gorilla has the element of surprise even though he is taller than the trees.

Study this cell....sit back...let the absurdity sink in.

Like playing a game of chess against the Grim Reaper will be any good, he'll just kill you anyway.  See, just look at him, he's pulling a knife and the game isn't even over, she's only in check.

Maybe, lack of circulation caused by her extremely tight belt causes her to sound like a retarded country bumpkin. 

Nazi-Viking-cavemen???? And I thought I knew a lot about World War II.

Nazis are landing in Washington DC and the Liberty Scouts are our last defense?  How the hell did we win World War II?

For those of you who don't know, Wisconsin Dells is my home.  They have had quite the year due to all the flooding and gas prices.  This, my friends, is the new Tommy Bartlett Ski Show.  Look at all the stars that will be performing...yes, even the Wyoming Kid will be there...dang Montana Marshall wasn't available.

Ninjas are smart, ninjas are smart smart smart smart S M R T I mean S M A R T!(sorry a "rare" Simpsons reference on this site)

No thanks, why don't you go tell someone else?

Yes, the pilots will now fly into the mountain because they will be too busy reading Superman's message.  What a dick!

Robin sure has a "unique" take down technique.

I will be back tomorrow with a random post and some hotlinks.