I was planning on posting this earlier but I got caught up watching the opening ceremony of the Olympics.  I should say that I actually watched it so I could get some sleep.  I haven't been sleeping again but that is another story.  I was blown away by the choreography of the ceremony but was completely bored because it was all in Mandarin and Bob Costas was running his fool mouth.  I don't know how to describe my politics in regards to the Olympics.  I do think we should have boycotted them for numerous reasons.  The United States boycotted games in the past when they were held in communist nations and China is a communist nation.  I think we wanted to appease them because soon they will be the number one super-power in the world.  I also have had feelings about how the Chinese government supports the military juntas of Myanmar and Sudan and then all the atrocities committed against Christians in China and the Buddhists of Tibet.  Hmmm, isn't America a supposed Christian nation?  Why aren't Christians outraged by this? So I guess that puts me on the right-wing commie hating side as well as the left-wing hippie side that wants a free Tibet.  Yeah, I'm a walking contradiction.  Time to get off my soap box and make fun of some celebrities.

Victoria Beckham is pregnant.  This would be her fourth child and she still doesn't know that babies naturally come out of a woman's vagina.  See she has had 3 C-sections.  The doctors say she has to have this baby naturally otherwise she could seriously damage her body.  Like she is really considering that.  I mean look at her face.  It looks like it once owed money to the mob.

Tyra Banks is crazy.  She is thinking she is Michelle Obama.  In Harper's Bazaar this week she dressed up as Mrs. Obama and posed with a Barack lookalike.  In an interview for the same magazine she refers to Barack as "we" and the campaign as "ours".  So it was Harper's Bazaar?  Bizarre is more like it. 

A poster for America's Next Top Model made its way to the Internet this week.  Rumor has it that Tyra designed this herself.  Man, she must have been having an acid flashback.  She looks like a slow clown who has done too many bong hits.  I fear that Tyra is going to kill someone over how poorly this turned out even if she did design it herself.  I was thinking that this poster had massive amounts of photoshopping done to it but it looks too crappy for photoshop.  I think it was worked on with off-brand color pencils.

Sylvester Stallone is vacationing in Spain.  He looks pretty sickening with all those veins popping out of his arm.  I am sure he is making heroin addicts everywhere jealous.

I figure with all the nipples and exposed breasts on this site and the 6 visible nipples in this post alone, I need to give the ladies a little something.  Here is Ryan Phillippe running.  What? No weighted back pack?  No ankle weights?  Matthew McConaughey thinks your a wussy.

I pick on Rumer Willis quite a bit.  She's pretty useless so I don't feel bad about it.  She was seen wearing this on the streets of New York, where is she is promoting some movie called House Bunny.  It looks like she rolled out of bed and took the sheets with her.

How the hell did Rob Schneider get a woman that hot?  I have four theories.  1 He is paying for her companionship.  2 She is really a man.  3 They are filming a movie together.  OR 4 She is with him because of the money he makes for his films.  It definitely has to be 1-3 because if you go to IMDB, it is sort of hard to find a movie that he has starred in and not had a cameo.  Oh wait, I'm sure he made a lot of money for The Benchwarmers or maybe even The Hot Chick.

Sad news, ladies.  Playgirl magazine is publishing its last issue and that last issue will be the January/February issue.  Although this really isn't celebrity gossip per se, Playgirl has allowed many male celebrities(yes that includes Kato Kaelin, did I ever mention I saw him in a softcore Cinemax movie) to shed their clothes and give their female fans a little or maybe an average or in some cases a large treat.  Women worldwide are mourning the loss of this publication.  Wait..what's that you say?  The majority of subscribers and readers of Playgirl aren't women but men? 

Wow, Pink is looking pretty haggard.  At least she is wearing some nice shoes although it doesn't look she has gotten the high heel walk down quite yet.  Hey, she got a new tattoo.  There are some Chinese characters on her left ankle.  Let me see what it says....One Order of Fried Rice.  Yeah, she isn't that smart.

Guess the ass.  This ass belongs to a model of course.  You know I like most every other male likes to see a mom wearing a bikini at the beach unless it is your mom.  I feel sorry for her baby, who one day will most definitely stumble across these photos.  Oh the ass belongs to Paz Vega.

Paris Hilton is rumored to be opening a nightclub in Las Vegas.  "Opening a club" is a code word for some group of people want to open a club so they attach a celebrity's name to the club therefore generating buzz.  If this is true, it would be the first time that Paris opened something that wasn't her mouth, legs, or anus.  Some of the possible names for her club are The Stinky Hole, Infection, or Swallow.  Do you realize how ideal Las Vegas is for the location of a Paris Hilton owned nightclub?  There are over 150,000 hotel rooms for her to wake up next to random guys in Las Vegas.

Nikki Blonsky, star of the musical remake of Hairspray and some Lifetime network movie about a fat, unpopular girl who runs for student body president, got in a fight at an airport this week with a former contest on America's Next Top Model named Bianca Golden.  Nikki and Bianca as well as some of their family members were arrested for this altrication.  It all stemmed over Nikki's family were saving seats while waiting for boarding.  Nikki's father was denied bail and must spend a minimum of 11 days in prison.  Apparently he beat Bianca's mother and she had to be airlifted to Florida where she has been treated for brain lesions, slurring on her left side, and memory loss.  Nikki may face charges that carry a two year sentence.  During the scuffle, one of Bianca's family members bit Nikki in the ankle.  Wow, Mike Tyson is looking with glee at this story.  It had everything he enjoyed in boxing: a ring-girl(Bianca), biting, and Butterbean (Nikki).

Morgan Freeman had a hell of a week this week.  First he got into a major accident while driving with a "friend of the family".  He broke his elbow and shoulder in the accident and the family friend received cuts and bruises.  A few days later his wife filed for divorce.  Apparently it had something to do with that friend of the family which is code word for mistress.  Did you know a large percentage of car accidents with males and females in the front seat involve oral sex?  I bet that is what caused his accident and that is why his wife is filing for divorce.  Maybe Morgan foresaw this divorce and he started doing extra voice work to pay for divorce attorneys.  This would explain why he is doing commercials for the Madison Mallards baseball team.

Mary Kate Olsen was asked to talk to the FBI about Heath Ledger's death.  She refused to talk unless she was granted complete immunity.  Well well well, someone's been watching Law and Order.  They wanted to question her to find out if she gave Heath oxycontin which is illegal.  She probably didn't want to talk because she might go to jail and she is too precious for jail but seeing she is so small she could just squeeze through the bars.  Guess what, she doesn't have to worry anymore because the feds just closed the case.  Well that was pointless.  I guess it gives me an opportunity to send you a link to a joke by Gilbert Gottfired from the upcoming Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget.

More Miley Cyrus photos were leaked this week.  The guy who hacked her phone is releasing a few every week.  Apparently he is keeping all the nude ones for himself and he is only going to release the photos that are safe for work.  I guess these are safe for work unless your boss gets freaked out when you look at sexually provocative photos of 15 year olds.

Mary Louise Parker is in a hot nude scene in the new season of Weeds.  This makes me wish I had Showtime instead of looking for the videos on the Internet or waiting until the DVDs come out.  Oh speaking of that, Dexter season 2 comes out this coming Tuesday, can't wait.

If Madonna were made of sugar, she'd be dead by now.  Hey, when did I pose with Madonna?  Oh yeah, that's Michael Moore.  My "I've Given Up Beard" is a little darker.

Lisa Marie Presley is expecting twins.  Everyone is having twins because with celebrities one baby isn't good enough, they have to have two.  I guess it is fitting that she is having twins seeing as Elvis was a twin.  Other celebrities who have had twins over the past few years: Angelina Jolie, JLo, Julia Roberts, Marcia Cross, Rebecca Romjin, and everyone's favorite loud-mouth former attorney with a show on Headline News, Nancy Grace.

Lindsay Lohan must be really excited for her girlfriend Sam's birthday and the special gift that Lindsay will be giving her.  Lindsay's shirt can barely hold her nipples.  If you enlarge, you can see that Lindsay looks like she has braces or maybe she has a grill.  Do grillz double as sexual aids?  I don't know because I am sort of celibate at the moment.

Sources are reporting that Lindsay and Sam are going to be married by the end of the year.  Mother Lohan is planning the wedding.  A source close to Lindsay said that she is shopping for the perfect mini-dress to wear for the ceremony.  The same person said that Samantha plans on wearing a tuxedo and a top hat.  This wedding will be AWESOME!

You that whole dead behind the eyes and between the ears really fits Kim Kardashian.  She looks like she just got done with her special ed class.  Yeah it is also for fashion because those high pants look ridiculous on her.  I guess she needs all the fabric she can wear to contain that ass.

I make fun of Kim in one post and then in the next I am in love.  She was in Mexico later this week frolicking in the surf.  Did you know her ass has to have a passport to travel outside of the United States?  It's true, how could I possibly make up something like that?
 
Lily Allen still makes me smile.  It's good to see that she has went back to her natural hair color.  Do you know what one of my all time favorite albums is called...HURRAY FOR BOOBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is Katie Price also known as Jordan.  She is quite the model and to further her career she had massive breast implants.  She is going from a 32G to a 32C.  I really can't stand her and her reality show made me want to punch babies but I will miss her boobs because they were the true brains of the operation.

Guess the ass....crack.  Speaking of crack, this person has been rumored to dabble and she was even filmed snorting coke.  Another clue is that this person is naked more times than she is clothed.  It is Kate Moss and she is on vacation in Spain.  Hmmm all these celebrities are in Spain on vacation this week.  I think Al-Qaeda is up to something.

Justin Timberlake is rumored to be the next host of the Oscars.  Imagine sitting through 15 hours of him.  There is not enough booze in this world that could get me through that.  The producers said that after watching the ESPY awards on ESPN, they realized that Justin is naturally funny.  You know what I thought of the producers of the Oscars when I read that they thought that Justin was naturally funny?  I think they are naturally high.

Joss Stone ruined her nephew's baptism this week.  Besides showing up late for the service, people asked her to follow the church's order but she called them names and started hurling insults at people.  When her brother, whose son was being baptized, tried to get her to calm down, she head-butted her brother.  I wish my baptism was like that.  Hey, I have a possible baptism I will be attending soon, let's hope I don't bring Joss as my date or maybe if I go alone I can act just like her.

Jenna Jameson is pregnant.  Hey, Tito, it isn't necessary to tell us how big your penis is because we just figured it was that size due to all the steroids it appears you have injected into yourself over the years.  I am still confused as to how she could get pregnant.  You know her vagina played the Bat Cave in Batman Begins.  I worry that their child will come out with all sorts of dents in its head.  Not due to Tito's junk but because of all the plastic things that Jenna and her friends like to play with in her movies.  This won't be the first time that her stomach will become swollen because of semen.  It's just the first time that it has happened vaginally.

I AM RICH!!!!!!!!!!!  I put so much money on the line in Las Vegas after Jamie Lynn Spears had baby Maddie.  I bet that it would be 49 days before Maddie had her first trip to Wal-Mart.  With my winnings, I plan on buying some Wal-Mart appliances and Wal-Mart brand cheetos or whatever trailer folk like the Spears family purchase when they shop at Wal-Mart.

Hayden Panettiere had a homeless guy ask her for change this week.  She pulls out a twenty and asked him if he had change for her.  This is the girl that almost got arrested for trying to save dolphins in the the Sea of Japan.  Apparently she is more willing to help marine life than she is her fellow human beings.  I guess you'd need a hole in your head to get her attention.  Is a Kurt Cobain joke tasteless at this point?  Oh well, I'll have to move on to another crush.

Gwen Stefani is really pregnant.  I can't comprehend how she is able to stand.  It looks like she could tip over at any second.  Well pretty soon she will explode and we will have another strange celebrity child name to poke fun at.

Normally I don't find Fergie attractive.  I am actually repulsed by her and her pissing her pants when she performs but there is something about her crawling around on the stage in those leather pants that makes me happy.  Yeah, my life is pretty sad.

Clay Aiken became a father today.  Remember he got his friend pregnant through artificial insemination because Clay is...well Clay likes...Clay isn't sexual and he says sex is gross.  Anyway his child, no sex or name given, was born today, 8/8/08, at 8:08AM and weighed 6lbs, 2 oz.(6+2=8...ok that's stretching it).  In the lobby Clay was seen giving the group of male friends that constantly follow him cigars and by cigars I mean his penis.  When he was told of the baby's birth Clay was quoted as saying, "Slap my ass and call me Mary." OK, he didn't really say that but I am trying to paint an accurate picture of Clay that his followers the Claymates can't tarnish.

Guess the ass.  This person gave and her mole has been providing spank material for nearly 3 decades.  This is Cindy Crawford.

Cindy Crawford still looks great in a bikini.  I still have some of those old Playboys that she appeared in when I was only 14.  Yeah, 5 finger discount at a gas station near my high school.  She was hanging out on a yacht this week with her husband and George Clooney near Saint Tropez because that's what rich people do.  Trust me, it's no big deal, we do it all the time.

In sad news this week, Christina Applegate was diagnosed with an early form of breast cancer.  The good news is that the cancer is not life threatening.  Christina is reported to be following treatment.  She has had a rough summer.  First her boyfriend overdoses on drugs and now this.  Hopefully, Kelly Bundy will make a full recovery otherwise Buck the Dog will howl in grief.  Can I get a WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAA BUNDY?

An old photo that David Lachappelle took of Christina Aguilera was released this week.  She should really go back to this look instead of her scary clown look that she does now.  I can't contain myself anymore.  HURRAY FOR BOOBIES!(yes, my life is pathetic)

Hulk must be taking photography classes because this photo of Brooke Hogan actually looks good.  Looking at Brooke, I am seeing she must have spent her money from her recent reality show on more plastic surgery.

Quick, get a piece of paper, stick a hole through it, put on your darkest sunglasses, stand ten feet away, and look through the hole.  This is what $14million buys you.  My eyes aren't worthy of the twin messiahs.  Supposedly they were conceived through invitro because Angelina has only a 1% chance of having twins like most women.  I am beginning to wonder if Jennifer Anniston went out to buy this new issue of People.

Angelina Jolie has been in contact with Chinese adoption agencies to adopt earthquake orphans.  Wow, that didn't take her long to get bored with her new twins.  She is probably running a sweat shop in the basement of her mansion and shortly we will see her new clothing line.

This photo of Britney Spears is worth $154,443.  Britney is selling exclusive photos of her in a bikini from her most recent vacation for $1million.  I want whatever pill she is on or whatever she is smoking because that is ridiculous.  I posted a pic of her last week and I didn't pay a thing.  I am now expecting to receive a bill in the mail.

Quentin Tarantino wants Britney Spears to play a lesbian stripper killer in an upcoming remake of the cult hit "Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!"  Her father is appalled at this rumor because he still seems to think that Britney has a squeaky clean image.  To save on money for production of the film, instead of filming new footage of Britney being a stripper they could just use her home movies.  

Well that is it for this week.  I hope you weren't offended.  I also hope that you got a few laughs out of it.  This week I am going to do an entry about the Olympics and maybe that porn one and then I will be my usual random self.  Have a good weekend.