I haven't picked whom my running mate will be but I have to figure it will be someone in the news and is a lesbian because it seems like everyone loves lesbians but hates gay men.  SO to narrow it down my final three are Tila Tequila(only drawback is that I am about 2 feet taller than her), Lindsay Lohan(sobriety issues), and Ellen DeGeneres(dog lovers may not like her).  Everything this week has been politics, Olympics, and babies.  I think this may be a light edition but oh well. 
I didn't write last night because I went out to The Dells to see some friends from high school.  I haven't seen those crazy guys in about a year mostly due to gas prices and my health.  We hung out and played with fire and had some beers.  I used to make fun of the official beer of Minnesota, Michelob Golden Draft Light, but I have to say it didn't hurt me but I only had one.  Then at supper I had a Summer Shandy and I was in heaven.  Two beers this week is a big deal for me.  I got home late last night and I didn't want to stay up late typing.  There is nothing on the TV today besides talk of Barack Obama's vice presidential pick, Joe Biden.  I actually thought he would be the best pick a long time ago but then the news agencies aren't exactly banging on my door to get my opinion although they should.  Enough, let's dive in...subtle Olympics reference because diving has been on recently.  I'm a dork.

Victoria Beckham is suing a British tabloid magazine that claimed she was anorexic for ruining her stance as a role model for young girls everywhere.  ROLE MODEL?  She wears leopard print clothing and matching boots that I see hookers wearing on TV of course not that I would be paying for sex.  I guess her role modeling and best advice she gives young girls is to use two fingers for thinner thighs.

Tila Tequila has found love.  She is dating Courtenay Semel.  Don't ask me how to pronounce her name.  Anyway, Courtenay is the girl who turned Lindsay Lohan gay.  For being lesbians those two sure look like happy little squirrels and by that I mean they enjoy holding nuts in their mouths.  Rumor has it that Tila and Courtenay are working on a new perfume and it supposedly smells like boiled oysters and burnt chestnuts.

A little something for the ladies an the classic rock fans.  Robert Plant, the golden god, turned 60 this week.  Hopefully there are no sharks at his birthday party. 

Sienna Miller's house had some graffiti on it this week.  See she has stolen another married man, this time it was Balthazar Getty.  Don't feel bad for Sienna.  I guess being a slut has its advantages such as free home redecorating.

Prepare to see much more of Rihanna in the upcoming weeks.  Not that it is a bad thing to see her but maybe you can turn the mute on the TV like I do.  She is flat broke.  Of all the millions she made in the last year, she has nothing left.  I was thinking this is what happens when you illegally download music and make the artists go broke but then I saw this pair of boots that Rihanna was wearing the other day and realized she basically blew all her money on the proverbial magic beans. 

Ricky Martin became the father of twin boys.  He was trying to combat those gay rumors so he had his sperm planted in a surrogate who carried the twins to full term and will have nothing to do with their lives.  It will be Ricky alone raising his new boys.  No word on the names but I would expect something like En Fuego and El Caliente.  All this baby talk has me thinking....

This is Pierce Brosnan's wife, Keely Shaye Smith.  I just find this interesting because Pierce is the guy who had more panties mailed to him than the receiving department of a Victoria's Secret.  Some people claim that Pierce having her as his wife is sort of like Bill Gates buying a house in Compton or in *gasp* Florida.  I don't think true love should be based on looks.  I am happy for Pierce and Keely that they have been together all these years.  I just wish I could find a woman as like-minded as Pierce.

Notice anything different about Paris Hilton other than the fact that she doesn't have a penis in her mouth?  Oh yeah, those extensions look great.

A spokesperson for Paris Hilton claims that she hasn't had breast implants but that she likes to wear puch-up bras.  Another sources claims that Paris is pregnant.  I think it is from all the protein in those pearl necklaces that she likes to wear.

Do you have $250?  Well if you do and aren't affected by the economy, you could blow that money by buying a ticket to MIley Cyrus' sweet 16 birthday party.  Billy Ray asked her what special present she wanted for this party and she said she wanted a car.  Good thing she didn't say a video camera because then we'd be seeing more of what she's mimmicing.

For those of you who don't know me that well, I am a time traveller.  I recently went to the year 2020, where I saw that Madonna finally decided it was time to bring her son David into the act.  By the way Madonna turned 50 this week...the lady in the picture is the spittting image of Madonna.

Michael Phelps became an Olympic god or maybe even Zeus himself this week.  He has already received $100 million in endorsement deals but those are mostly from guys and ladies who want Michael to come to their house and model swimsuits in their bedrooms.  You know you did, mom.  And as we know from my last post, Michael Phelps is already reaching Chuck Norris levels of awesomeness.

Want to know how awesome Michael Phelps is?  He not only beats all the other countries, but he also plunders their women.  He is currently dating Stephanie Rice, an Australian swimmer.  Her boyfriend at the start of the Olmpyic games was a male swimmer from Australia who was expected to give Phelps a run for the gold but his best finish was 6th.  Michael Phelps is the ultimate conquerer.  I see the comic books now...Michael Phelps is carrying a trident and has an American flag cape and he is swimming through outer space either as a giant eagle or a majestic bottlenose dolphin to battle the evil aliens that are trying to colonize the Earth...well I guess my comic book idea is close to the views of Scientology who would have us build an intergalatic defense system because they aliens are coming.  Instead of that system, we have Michael Phelps.

Melanie C aka Sporty Spice is pregnant.  The first thing I thought of when I heard she was pregnant was: TURKEY BASTER BABY.  Who can blame me?  Did you ever see her in the Spice Girls?  She was the least popular.  I remember a poll a pop radio station conducted in the city where I went to high school that tried to figure out why people didn't like her.  The answer most given was that she wasn't straight.  Well if you must know the father of her baby is her boyfriend of 6 years and not a turkey baster.

Megan Fox was caught this week doing a breast exam on the set of Transformers 2.  You know the strange thing is that earier this week I was thinking of her boobs and then I get this photo.  WOW!  I'm magic.  Tonight I think I will dream of a deep meaningful relationship with her.  You know the little things make the difference...hey, no little jokes about me!

Lindsay Lohan resurrected her comic book alter-ego, The Bra-Less Wonder, this week  Lindsay, thank you for the side-boob but you have to start wearing a bra otherwise those things will start bouncing off your knees.

Kim Kardashian was performing with the Pussycat Dolls this week.  Performing with that group is soon becoming a coming of age ritual for any respectable whore.  So I guess lets crack open a bottle of Boone's Farm to congratulate her for finally becoming a true whore.

Lily Allen was photographed getting into a fight this week.  A French woman saw Lily and called her a "fucking asshole".  Lily wasn't having any of that mostly because she was drunk.  She really went to town on her and gave her hell.

The French woman did get a couple of strikes in and thankfully they tore Lily's shirt...Lily Allen's fight makes me Smile.  I think she needs a new song or something because I have beat that one like a dead horse.

Here's a little something for the ladies.  I always thought Kanye West would have a better physique.  This was sort of like an easy bake oven creation for me.  You are expecting an elegant cake and then all you get is a lump of soggy cake mix.

After traveling in time to find Madonna, I then travelled to present day Los Angeles to find JLo.  Somehow in the travelling, I lost my clothing.  This is JLo's reaction to seeing me naked.  Actually she claims she is training for a triathalon and any money she wins she will donate to a charity.  You know I will believe this when I see it.  I expect her to make all her assistants do all the work and they will have to run while carrying her in a litter and if you are confused about what a litter is check this out.

Jason Lee's girlfriend gave birth to a baby girl this week.  No word as to what the name is.  I'm sure it will be something strange because their son's name is Pilot Inspektor.  Jason claims he was listening to Grandaddy's album Sophtware Slump and heard the band sing about a pilot so he figured that would be a great name for his son.  Let's hope they listened to ABBA before she gave birth to their daughter.  More than likely, because of all the criticism for their first child's name, they will go with something tame and freak us all out with the name Jennifer or Elizabeth.

Jessica Simpson is now advertising for the Stampede Beer company, a company of which she owns 15%.  That company is now screwed.  The beer is supposedly a "healthy" beer and is filled with vitamins.  I'll get my vitamins somewhere else, like my Hawaiian Punch.  Someone needs to stampede Jessica Simpson.

Jessica Simpson really wants you to know she is a cuntry singer because she wears that dumbass cowboy all the time.  Do you really need to where it when you are swimming?  While we are asking questions, let me ask this; is that a bra?  It doesn't quite look like a bikini top.  I would also like to know where and what Jessica's hands are doing and where is she in the pool in relation to the flow jets.  I remember being a teenager and how my girlfriend at the time informed me why all the girls congregated around the flow jets of the public pool.  

Heidi Montag released a new single this week to coincide with the season premiere of The Hills.  The song is titled Overdosin'.  I didn't make it through the whole song because of all the vomit and I also ran out of q-tips that I was using to stop my ears from bleeding.  I think the only way Heidi will ever sell records is if she puts the title of this song into action.

Gwen Stefani gave birth to a baby yesterday.  I'm not sure if it is a boy or girl because the baby's name is Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale.  Is Zuma a girl's name?  Is it a boy's name?  What the hell is wrong with people?  Don't they realize those kids have to live with that name?  Maybe if I have a kid I will name him or her Cardboard Box Tupperware Smith.  All this talk of babies and their strange names makes me want to move to Mars.

Ellen DeGeneres married Portia De Rossi last weekend.  They finally became wife and wife.  Aw, how sweet!  We can see that Ellen wore a classy flannel shirt and that Portia is exteremely happy.  I would be exteremely happy too if I just married a pot of gold.

Donald Trump isn't a hero afterall.  He didn't buy Ed McMahon's house as reported last week.  He was outbid by an anonymous house buyer if there is such a thing.  Donald Trump released this statement when he was told that he wasn't buying Ed's house, "blah blah blah Rosie O'Donell is a fat slob."  Like I said there is no word on who bought Ed's house but my sources tell me that it was the last winner of the Publisher's Sweepstakes.

In some good but sad news, Christina Applegate is now cancer free.  The sad part is that she had to have a double masectomy.  She will be getting implants but I will make an expection for not caring for women with implants in this case.  Yes, like all politicians, I'm a flip-flopper.  Let's celebrate her being cancer free with the Bundy Bounce and a WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAA BUNDY!

An Islamic political party asked the Malaysian government to cancel Avril Lavigne's upcoming concert because her act is too sexy.  I think Avril Lavinge is about as sexy as granny panties hanging on a shower rod, but maybe by too sexy they mean too fucking annoying.

Here's Audrina Partridge doing what she does best, wearing a bikini and enjoying brainless activities.  It's not like she is ever going to be in the running for a Nobel Prize.  In one way she is very smart.  She is getting her money's worth out of those fake breasts.

Gayrod is now cheating on Madonna, the woman with whom he cheated on his wife.  He realized that the anorexic, roided up Madonna is a step down from this new Asian beauty.  Gayrod shouldn't piss off Madonna because she may experience roid-rage.  Maybe Madonna could come over to my house and rearrange my den to blow off steam.

Well it was Britney Spears free this week.  I think it was a slow week because everyone is focused on the Olympics or having babies or making babies.  I am off to take a nap.  I feel like a little kid again.