This week went by so fast. I don't know what it was. It seemed like yesterday was Sunday. Today was fun. I had some fun musical discussions and also did some errands with my dad. It was fun because we went to Walmart and I did my version of consumer terrorism. Dropping condoms in other people's carts will never get old for me. I also witnessed a disgruntled worker wreak revenge on the beast and then witnessed his firing. He was complaining about not getting off for homecoming..all over this area tonight..and he had a date and blah blah blah. He started yelling and then knocked over some DVDs and then he and the supervisor exchanged unpleasant words and finally he was fired. I watched in awe. I wanted to run up and just say that kid was now my hero. I decided I had to see Dexter season 2. Picked it up and took it the counter. It rang up $15 when it was listed as $40. The clerk told me that was wrong and I said, "No, it says Dexter season 2 on the screen. $15." She called for the supervisor who was still steaming. The supervisor told me that it was wrong but I said it can't be wrong seeing it rang up that way on the computer and on the screen. They said it was $40. I asked, "Why are you charging me an extra $25? Are you pocketing that extra money?" Finally they gave it to me for that price. The supervisor accused the kid of screwing around with prices on everything in the electronics and now their afternoon would mean price checks on everything. Ah, WALMART! You know that place is getting fun, it's like my own personal playhouse. One of these days I'm going to take a bike off the shelf and ride it around the aisles or maybe see if I can get an electric cart and crash into displays. Time for the round up.
Last week I was talking about how Scarlett Johannson has turned into a diva. Well some people didn't read what I wrote and asked her to have their picture taken with her. Scarlett which rhymes with harlot replied, "I'm not the Statue of Liberty." You know she's right. The Statue of Liberty is a B-cup at best. Scarlett better realize that her best assets are found in her bra and that those things will fall faster than the brokerage houses on Wall Street and that her breasts aren't FDIC insured. Gravity is a cruel mistress.
Travis Barker, mostly foundly remembered for being in the band Blink 182, and DJ AM were the only survivors of a chartered jet crash last weekend. The plane went down right as it was taking off in Augusta, Georgia. When rescuers came upon the scene, Travis and DJ were running around tearing their clothes off. The pilot, co-pilot, and two of Travis crew died. The saddest part of this was that one of Travis' crew was Lil Chris. Apparently he was featured in Travis' reality show. He only hopped on the jet when he heard his wife was going into labor back in California. Travis and DJ AM suffered burns to 50% of their bodies. DJ AM was released today but Travis remained in the hospital. They are both expected to make full recoveries. This is probably out of line but seeing Travis was heavily tattooed do those burn off? The cause of the plane crash was a tire blow out. I don't know what it is with music stars and plane crashes. You'll have to read one of my past blog entries.
People around Tom Cruise are worried that Suri is lonely because she has no friends. SURI IS 2 YEARS OLD! BUT...her parents are freaks so who would want their children near Tom Cruise. I wouldn't. The concern of a 2 year old's loneliness is ridiculous. No one seemed concerned about me when I went through my lonely phase which involved me, a jar of vaseline, and Golden Girls marathons on Lifetime.
Simon Cowell looks unhealthy. Has he been living on the sun? Sleeping in his fireplace? Holding his breath for days? Please, someone, explain.
Looks like Siena Miller was here.
Shia Lebeouf must feel like the Teflon Don, maybe I should call him the Teflon Douche. Anyway he is off the hook in his car accident because the driver of the other car involved as to blame. The DA isn't going to seek charges against Shia. He might have his license suspended for a year because he refused to take a breathalyzer and a blood test. Guess the lesson here is the next time you are out driving drunk and get into an accident refuse to take any test and then claim you are making a movie. Latest word is that he may not even get his license suspended. That douche.
Samantha Ronson(Lindsay's confirmed lesbian lover, more on that later) was asked to dj a club but she refused once she learned that the venue was a gay bar. Apparently she has in her contracts that she won't play gay bars. Maybe she is embarassed as a lesbian that her girlfriend has seen more hard wood than Paul Bunyan or maybe she learned from past experiences that when she is on a date with Lindsay at the club her fingers get too tired to spin records.
I have heard of asking for autographs but I am sure this is something I have never seen. I bet in all his years in the industry, Easy Rider Peter Fonda has never had to do this either unless he worked with the likes of Cary Grant or Rock Hudson or Liberace.
Portia de Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres got married a few weeks ago and word is that Portia is going to change her surname to DeGeneres. Why wouldn't Ellen take Portia's last name? Ellen de Rossi, it sounds more glamorous sort of like a sparkling wine. But Ellen buys the milk in that relationship so Portia changes her name.
Paris Hilton took time at the opening of a New York nightclub to show us how she shakes hands with males.
Mary Kate Olsen's lack of a work ethic is causing a rift between her and Ashley. Ashley wants Mary Kate to step aside from their fashion line because Mary Kate's look is too "unique". I guess "unique" is the best way to describe a fashion look that is called homeless anorexic.
This asshole, Nick Hogan, is going to be released from jail early on account of his good behavior yet his friend John Graziano is still in a vegetative state. Brooke's balls are dripping with excitement. Of course this douche has been on good behavior. He spends most of his day curled up in the fetal postion in the corner of his cell while sucking his thumb. A good day for him in jail is where he gets to eat half his cookie before the other inmates steal his meal. Oh that car behind him in the second photo is the car that he crashed and turned his friend into a vegetable. Jsut wait for all the interviews, magazine articles, reality shows, and straight up fuckery to follow his release all while his friend is brain dead.
There is a God. He has answered my prayers. Natalie Portman broke up with Bushy McBeardo. He is some indie rock singer that on his last album's artwork he appeared nude with his bandmate. CREEPY! I'd like Natalie to know I am clean shaven. I learned from one of my exs that it is good to keep a clean face unless you want your girlfriend's thighs to look like they have been exfoliated with sandpaper.
I'm not the fashion expert but aren't you supposed to use the Sharpie for your eyebrows and not around the eyes. Oh we have to take into account that Mischa Barton is a pothead. What the hell is with that head band? At least it matches her nightgown. It looks like she is on her way to take a nap.
Mini-Me, Verne Troyer, is working on his next sex tape with his new girlfriend model Dominique Arganese. Guys, do you want to get laid? Besides using the material found herein to use for conversation pieces, you need to follow Mini-Me's example. Forget exercising, getting an education, or working, those are for chumps. You need to get a bit part in a played out movie franchise, then go make an ass of yourself on numerous reality shows. Then you can bang supermodels the rest of your life. Now, look at that champagne he is drinking. If I drank the equivalent he is drinking, I would have to pound like 5 cases. Oh another thing, don't worry about your appearance. Look like a total douche.
Miley Cyrus and her father Billy Ray Cyrus are plotting to get her fired from Disney because they see ways that they can make even more money than with the Mouse(sextapes, nude spread in PLayboy etc.). On the set of Hannah Montana, Miley has been acting like a little bitch. She would complain about everthing, purposefully blow her lines(not blow lines of coke), show up late, and make fun of others on the set. Disney found out about her little plot and sat her down. Now Miley and Billy are saying they are both fully committed to Disney and Hannah Montana and she is now Miceky's slave. I bet they had Mickey sit her down and tell her to go out and shake that ass to bring home the cheese. Oh and by the way, why is Miley taking career advice from the mulleted wonder Billy Ray? He blew his entire fortune before she was born. That is why he had to take that role about being a doctor with a mullet. Great career to follow, Miley!
This is Megan Hauserman. She was the winner of Beauty and the Geek season 3. She also appeared on Rock of Love 2. She is currently a contestant in VH-1's I Love Money. Megan will soon be in another series called Charm School: Rock of Love Girls. She must really want to be famous. She has also posed for Playboy and you can see the pics here. Wow, this little gal is going all out. I really can't stand her but I'll let you be the judge.
This week on the Martha Stewart Show, Martha explained to Jordin Sparks that don't need a promise ring to enjoy handling meat.
It's nice to know that marriage hasn't made Mariah Carey less of a diva. While at Morimoto, she had her security clear out the women's bathroom so she could have her privacy. Either she had a massive burrito with extra guacamole before eating at the restaurant or she needed to do a few lines. I mean you don't want to do your coke on the tables in the dining room, you may get bread crumbs mixed in with the blow.
Lindsay Lohan came out of the closet this week. While Sam was being interviewed on Love Line, she handed the phone to Lindsay and Stryker asked Lindsay if she and Sam were dating. Lindsay said that they have been dating for a long time. Here I thought they were just a couple of girls who shopped together, did their hair together, and talked about boys sort of like Laverne and Shirley. Wait, were they lesbians?
Leonardo DiCaprio broke up with his supermodel girlfriend Bar Rafaeli but now they are dating again. You may think being one of Hollywood's greatest actors and banging a supermodel may be something to be jealous of well you haven't seen the new basket I have for my bike.
Apparently Kirsten Dunst and Drew Barrymore are fighting over the Mac guy Justin Long. They ran into each other at Saturday Night Live(wow, that show is becoming relevant again) and they really didn't do anything but stare at each other. One separated they had words about each other. This isn't the first time Kirsten has dated one of Drew's exs. Kirsten also picked up Fabrizio Moretti after he and Drew broke up. Drew should have called Kiki a cunt and poured a pitcher of beer over her head. That is how I picture women fighting over me. Apparently just hours ago I read that Kirsten and Justin Long broke up. I guess his penis got the message that if you act up around Kirsten Dunst, you pay the consequences.
I was going to play Guess the Ass here but this is too easy. You think Kim Kardashian's behemoth bottom would have shrunk some with all the training for Dancing with the Has Beens...I mean Stars. If that gets any bigger they are going to have to label it a fire hazzard. She has to tone that down because soon she will only be able to go through double doors.
Hercules turned 50 this week. Kevin Sorbo, the most successful entertainer in the WELS since Buffalo Bob. The Buffalo Bob wikipedia article is wrong, he was a member of the WELS church and played organ there. Yeah, this probably doesn't matter to most of you so sorry. I know J and L appreciate, wink.
Don't expect Johnny Depp to return any of your psycho rant telephone calls any time soon. He is currently working on three movies for Disney. The first is Alice in Wonderland directed by Tim Burton of course. Depp will be playing the Mad Hatter. Then he will be in The Lone Ranger as Tonto which I somehow find offensive. I wonder if they will smear red paint on his skin like they did in the old days of westerns when they got white dudes to play the Native Americans. Then he will be taking up his role as Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean 4. Oh to make millions of dollars per film! Well I guess I am better off not being one of Mickey's slaves.
Look at JLo's backfat. There is no way she ran a triathalon. You're probably saying that's an old picture. It was taken last weekend. She did the triathalon two weekends ago. I think the only triathalon she runs is the circuit between McDonald's, Burger King, and Culver's or if you don't have a Culver's near you let's say a Wendy's. MMMM Culver's...I could go for a butter burger right about now. Actually I had a bar burger for supper. It was so good I want another. It was a burger, topped with fried onions, hashbrowns, and cheese. The arteries are clogging as we speak.
Jenna Jameson confirmed that she is *yawn* pregnant with *yawn* twins this week. she's going to have twins like every other celebrity because one baby isn't good enough and they have to rub it in the face of the norms who only have one child at a time. Why didn't Jenna go all out and have like 10 babies? I mean her vagina cave could easily house 10 babies. I have a felling she will name them after her favorite things: Crystal and Meth or Dildo and Delores(you know the Seinfeld episode).
Jamie Lynn Spears found herself at the center of an FBI investigation of child pornography distribution. It shouldn't be shocking, she is a Spears. Her boyfriend Casey took a photo of her exposed breast while she was breast feeding. He then took the memory card to Walmart to get the pictures printed. One of the photo department workers found the picture and started to distribute it over the Internet. The FBI swooped in because it is child pornography because even though she is breast feeding she is only 17. Britney has said that she is going to have her lawyers work up a lawsuit against Walmart. That won't happen. The only way a member of the Spears family would sue Walmart is to make them stay open longer. Thankfully I have 4, 24 hour Walmarts within a 30 mile radius. I have often wondered what it would be like to work as a photo processor. I guess this incident makes it a less attractive job.
The Crocs epidemic is spreading! I really think those things have run their course. If you are laughing at Iggy Pop for having a heel wedge on one of his Crocs, you will go to hell. He was born with one leg longer than the other. I can't respect him as a rock star anymore seeing he wears those things. He may be able to regain my respect because his lady friend looks like she just got off the Bang Bus. OK, I'll be honest here, I'd have a pair of Crocs too but I can't readily find them in a size 17.
Hugh Hefner is getting delusional in his old age. Soon the great experiment of dating three women who all look alike will be over. Holly, supposedly Hef's favorite, has been seen with Criss Angel. Kendra is leaving to do her own reality series and is supposedly engaged to a football player, and who cares about Bridget. He says that they sleep together every night. Maybe Alzheimer's is setting in with Hef because people are saying that Holly is spending every night with Criss Angel. Oh well his girlfriends Kendra and Bridget are just for show but his Stepford wife is Holly. She'll be back. In other Playboy news, Hef has offered Sarah Palin millions to pose for Playboy. Does he really think that a political candidate would pose during the election? Well I guess this is Sarah Palin. If she does that will push McCain over the edge but don't expect it.
Heidi and Spencer were quite busy this week. First they were at Wolfgang Puck's LA restaurant for the unveiling of their portraits. That is so gross. If I was eating there I would lose my appetite. I think they would have better luck placing feces on the wall. Heidi said getting her picture in his restuarant is better than winning an Academy Award. Last time I checked they didn't give out Oscars for being dumb whores. Later in the week Heidi and Spencer were at a feed the homeless event. I am surprised they didn't have their photo taken while making out over the homeless people's food. Wait! You can't see her right arm. 10 bucks says she's giving Spencer a hand job underneath the apron.
I have my fingers crossed that one of Halle Berry's multiple personalities is an undersexed French maid.
George Michael was arrested for possession of weed and crack in a bathroom that is well known for gay activity in London this week. Sounds like George is trying to get arrested and thrown in jail. Putting him in prison would be like locking me in a brewery. In both cases something is going to get sucked dry.
Dane Cook is being evicted from his apartment for not cleaning up after his dog. He lives in the same apartment building that John Belushi and Steve Martin lived while they were struggling comedians. He wants their success to come to him. His career is headed for the dog crap bin regardless of where he lives. I seriously do not fnd him funny. He steals his act.
Wow, Coco looks like she is trying to be classy. That dress looks like it costs over $50 but I have to ask where is the camel toe. Her camel toe lets me know that everything in the world is ok. Coco remember this saying: less class, more ass.
Guess the ass. It belongs to a retired supermodel. Cindy Crawford.
Guess the ass. The owner supposedly divorced her husband because of his inability to perform in bed and his small penis. She was a mediocre tennis player but a better model. Anna Kournikova.
I miss Christina Aguilera's signature red lipstick. Jem called, she wants her lip color back. I bet Xtina has to go to Maaco to have her make-up painted on.
Some genius is turning Bret Ellis' book American Psycho into a Broadway musical. Only Christian Bale can play Patrick Bateman. He did such a great job in the film version that anyone else would ruin that role. Also, Christian was in the musical Newsies. American Psycho is like Newsies but with more blood, nail guns, Huey Lewis, and rats.
I am in love with Charlize Theron. She hates The Hills. Here's what she said "I realized that this fucking show is huge. Now I’m going to ask you a
question: Why? Why is it so big? It’s about nothing! This is a free
country. Freedom of speech! You can tell me right now to my face that Reindeer Games was a piece of shit. That’s totally fine. But The Hills
is about nothing. I think the girls are beautiful and when they cry
their mascara runs and that’s real, but I don’t get it! [Pause.] I am a
nana. I’ll just take it. I am a nana. Maybe I need to watch the shows
some more." Charlize is rich, hot, and hates The Hills. The only way she could be any better is if she pooped lottery tickets and nagged me about not eating at Taco Bell or Culver's enough.
This is Blake Lively, the star of Gossip Girl and The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants. When it comes to investigative journalism, my skills are lacking but when I see this picture, I ask, are her breast fake or what? That may be crass however I find it as important as Watergate and I can't sit here wondering.
PETA petitioned Ben and Jerry's to use human breast milk in their ice cream. PETA got the idea from some restaurant in Switzerland that uses human breast milk in its soups and sauces. Why Aretha Franklin? Well if she got pregnant, Ben and Jerry's would have enough milk to produce ice cream the rest of our days.
Amanda Bynes was photographed at the premiere of Lifetime Network's Living Proof. They have premieres for TV movies? That seems to be overkill. A TV movie premiering in a theater. I guess that is what she gets for dating Seth MacFarlane. She has come such a long way from her days on Nickelodeon. I think I am going to invite her to the premiere of my next bubble bath.
I think Britney Spears' British voice told her wear that wig. Maybe she is just trying to look like Uma Thurman from Pulp Fiction to impress Quentin Tarrantino and to get him to make that movie with her as the lead. Actually this was taken after a shoot for her video for her new single Womanizer. A guy can dream, can't he? Oh and a radio station released the actual single today. Last week I posted a link to a bootleg version, this is the actual single. Strangely, they put it on youtube. If you ask me, she is trying to hard. I can't stand that typical Britney trying to sing in a low voice. It doesn't do anything and it sounds like crap. And I think she is singing over video game music. It will probably be platinum.
Amy Winehouse sang at a charity event this week. No, the charity event wasn't people trying to raise money to get her a bath. People said her singing sounded like she was grunting into the mic. After her song, she went backstage and headbutted a paparazzo and then collapsed backstage crying, "Life can't go on." I am starting to get this weird sensation. It's for Amy...it's as if I am sad for her.
Amy really is itching to see me or maybe release that third album which I doubt will ever happen.
Mr. Peabody and I fired up the Way Back Machine this week. Last week was Amy Winehouse's 25th birthday. We decided to travel to the future to see what her 30th birthday party would look like. Amy is in the yellow.
In probably the biggest celebrity news story this week, Clay Aiken came out of the closet. Do you hear that collective gasp? He came screaming out of the closet. Now what are all the Claymates and Claynation going to do? I found this website that I fear will implode and take the entire internet with it. I mean all those Claymates seem to be the conservative Republican type. I mean it's not like we didn't know he was gay. What other man would get a woman pregnant with a turkey baster? Hell there's rumors that Melissa Ethridge watched as David Crosby got it on with Melissa's partner so that she would become pregnant. Also, he did have a Manhunt account and had numerous male friends on that all male site. Yeah, I read that years ago so you don't have to check if I have an account. This is what some of Claynation is saying:
"This is a gut wrenching day for The ClayNation. Somebody wake me up, I hope its a dream."
"please tell me I'm not the only
one who is shocked beyond belief! I feel numb I'm so upset. This can't
be real!! How can you guys say this won't change anything? This changes
EVERYTHING. I don't even know what to think right now"
"I wish him well and hope he gets
some peace of mind now BUT I feel he lied to everyone-especially us
fans. He should have just said so years ago. I feel like we were
"used". I still love to hear him sing but I also feel he has now become
like a Michael Jackson and it's a bit too weird! He isn't just the
plain ordinary person with the values he first stood for.-but it's just
my opinion."
"One really sad thing for me that
sums this up. THis morning at the breakfast table my 9 and 10 year olds
were there and the radio was on and they came on with the headline
"FOrmer American Idol..." and I knew what was coming and I ran to turn
it off. I didn't want my young children to hear that and ask questions
about it. To me this is the saddest thing and the reason I won't be
able to hold him as my idol. I remember the day when I ran to turn it
on and called all the family to watch with pride. It just seems so in
your face now and I don't want exposing my kids to this. "
"I just feel rather silly now
having spent the last 5 years drooling over and being fan girly for a
singer I thought was straight and now finding out he is gay. It does
change my perception of who he is and how I see him. We always called
him our boyfriend and that won't be happening anymore."
Here is some of Clay's exclusive interview:
On why he decided to come clean:
"It
was the first decision I made as a father. I cannot raise a child to
lie or to hide things. I wasn't raised that way, and I'm not going to
raise a child to do that."
On how he thinks his mom-jeans-wearing fans are going to handle the news:
"Whether
it be having a child out of wedlock, or whether it be simply being a
homosexual, it's going to be a lot. I've never intended to lie to
anybody at all. ... But if they leave, I don't want them to leave
hating me."
On telling his mommy four years ago:
"It
was dark. I was sitting there, thinking to myself. I don't know why I
started thinking about it ... I just started bawling. She made me pull
over the car and it just came out. She started crying. She was
obviously somewhat stunned. But she was very supportive and very
comforting. She still struggles with things quite a bit, but she's come
a long way."
On raising his son Parker Foster Aiken:
"I
have no idea if he'll be gay or straight. It's not something I'll have
anything to do with, or that he'll have anything to do with. It's
already probably up inside the code there ... No matter what the
situation you're in, if you're raised in a loving environment, that's
the most important thing."
This economy is really hurting everyone. I mean Clay got shafted(bad pun) on his exclusive interview and first baby photos. He only raked in $500,000. Those tabloids are really hurting. One of the editors said that there will be no more million+ dollar exclusive deals. You hear that Jenna Jameson! Don't expect magazine to want exclusive photos of Dildo and Delores. But in Clay's defense, $500,000 does buy a lot of assless chaps.
Well that is it for this week. I hope you laughed and will come back for more. The number of readers is expanding every day. When I started this blog I was lucky to get 10 hits a week. This week I have had 5000. Yeah, I am happy but I suppose some of my readers are getting more hits. Anyway, this weekend I'll be busy so I don't know if I'll get on here. Have a good weekend!
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