Today was hot.  85.  It seems like just the other day I was breaking out my sweat pants and hoodies so I could keep warm.  I was also sleeping under heavy blankets and the like.  Now I have fans on all over the house.  I went out to a liquor store and bought myself a 6 pack that I made.  I picked out 6 random beers.  I had never heard of one of the breweries but I know it is somewhere in Wisconsin because it said on the bottle, "Brewed Behind the Cheddar Curtain."  This place had so many foreign beers that I had never heard of before.  I think I may have to start spending some time there or start my Christmas list.  A pawn shop was right across the highway so I went to check that out.  Interesting little store.  I should have waited to buy my mp3 player there.  Same brand, 3 times the memory as the one I got, $10 more.  They also had a few nice guitars and a mandolin.  If I had $200 extra I would have bought it today.  Then they had a nice gun selection.  Yay! Guns!  Came home, had a beer, watched some JErry Springer, fell asleep, woke up in time for the high school football highlight zone on the local news channel and now I am here.
Time for the round up.
 
Today was National Talk Like a Pirate Day.  I was going to be a dick and do this entire post in pirate vernacular but I'm not that mean.  I just decided to post this pic.

Tom Cruise greeted his wife Katie Holmes right before her final dress rehearsal for her new broadway play.  Tom is trying to be straight for the cameras and it isn't working.  He looks like he is constipated and wishes he wasn't anywhere near that vagina owner.  That couple looks as passionate as a turnip lying in a pile of crusted oatmeal. 

Tom and Katie were also greeted by members of the group Anonymous.  One day we will bring down Scientology...oops.

Being Woody Allen's muse and her big boobs have turned Scarlett Johannson into a prima donna.  Some of her demands for appearances are ridiculous.  I haven't seen the rider but I am sure it is ridiculous.  Why is 72 year old Woody Allen spending so much time with 23 year old Scarlett Johannson?  She's too old for him and not his daughter.

Rosario Dawson was at the premiere of Eagle Eye this week.  She is rather endowed but she doesn't show it off.  I guess that is a good thing.  She doesn't rely on her chest like some actresses do.  It's like she doesn't show it off and then BAM, there it is, more than you can handle.  I have seen her in several movies(Kids, He Got Game, Clerks 2, 25th Hour) and haven't noticed.  I guess that is good acting. 

When not making sex tapes or screwing any guy with a dick, Paris Hilton likes to do normal people stuff like clog their arteries with McDonald's food.  As much as she tries to act normal she still looks like a prostuitute that forgot to clean her face after her last customer.  I'm sure that McD's employee loves Paris.  I mean they never smile at me.  I ust get my bags thrown at me and a snide, "Have a good night."  Why do I ned to win the favor of McDonald's employees? 

This week Paris Hilton lost two of her 17 dogs.  They were killed by a coyote.  When they found the bodies and told Paris, she cried all night.  YEAH RIGHT!  Can tears come out of that crazy eye?  To calm her down, one of her servants said her dogs were in doggy heaven.  She shrugged, picked off some crabs that were biting on her herpe warts, filmed a sex tape, got in her car, drove to the pet store, and bought two new dogs.  I guess money can buy happiness.

Last weekend a Swedish tourist took Nicole Richie's photograph.  Nicole jumped over a velvet rope, took the camera, threw it on the ground, and smashed it.  Nicole screamed, "I'm not an animal."  Oh that sounds cute.  The tourist probably was confused and thought he was taking a photo of a marmoset.

Miley Cyrus was spotted with her new boyfriend, underwear model Justin Gaston, on the way to church.  What church allows people to show up in tank tops?  They have to be sincere about their Christian beliefs, they're wearing cross necklaces.  I don't think Billy Ray has much to worry about with Justin.  He looks like he foams at the mouth at the sight of dick.

I never noticed that Mila Kunis is a talented actress.  Look how she nailed this scene in her new movie.  Bravo, Mila, bravo!  I am actually somewhat anxious to see her kick butt in the Max Payne movie. 

You know I have to stop dreaming about Megan Fox.  She admitted in an interview this week that she was once in love with a female stripper(her word not mine).  3...2...1...(a collected) AWESOME!  I am so in love.  Thank you for restoring my faith in two hot chicks getting it on.  We have Sam and Lindsay, Ellen and Portia, Cynthia Nixon and her wife Fire Crotch...I guess times have been hard for girl on girl fantasies.  I haven't been this excited since the Natalie Portman/ Scarlett Johannson rumors.

Speaking of lesbians, Lindsay Lohan reached out to the Obama campaign via blog but they said they really didn't need her help nor did they want it given all her troubles in the past year.  I am going to suggest that Lindsay move to Canada.  I have toyed with that idea myself because there was a teacher shortage.  Free health care and designated pot smoking houses.  Yeah Lindsay would love it up there.

Guess the ass and the beautiful legs.  She has been in and out of rehab and guys seem to dump her just as fast as they date her.  Kirsten Dunst.

Kim Kardashian was spotted at the dry cleaners.  I bet the dry cleaning company charges her extra for all the extra material that is needed to hold in that ass. 

The Kardashian family proved how classy they really are this week when paparazzi caught them filming a scene for their reality series.  I guess it is hard to remember lines about how she really loves her new shoes when photographers are taking your picture.  Do you see that champagne flute in front of Khloe?  That is a glass of gravy.  Bitch loves her some gravy.

Wow, Kate Moss is actually clothed!  In an interview this week she said how her daughter loves the smell of gasoline.  So whenever Kate fills up she leaves her car doors open so her child can get a whiff of the gas.  Maybe the kid is mistaking gasoline for the scent of Kate's perfume line.

Kate Hudson got pretty shitfaced this week at a party in London.  I haven't seen a mom that drunk since I had parent/ teacher conferences.  Some people would disapprove of a mom blowing the teacher to have her child get good grades but it helped her kid get a B-.  No, that didn't happen in my classroom.  I was just trying my hand at this thing called fiction.

Josh Hartnett had Mischa Barton in his hotel room this week.  That is the same hotel I mentioned in previous round ups.  They were in his room for an hour and then they came out.  I wonder if they were caught on security cameras.  Only an hour?  After an hour I usually just warming up but he just seems like the type of guy that you would think would put more than an hour into his sessions.  I guess it is nice to be Josh Hartnett.  Banging random hot chicks and not succumbing to the pressures of having to do any work.

This is Jocelyn Wildenstein, the New York City socialite who is trying to turn herself into a cat.  A guy placed an ad on craigslist that said, "Young guy looking for sexy cougar".  He didn't expect a cougar to actually show up.  OK, that was a bit of fiction that didn't turn out so well.  It is hard to come up with anything about Jocelyn Wildenstein other than she is insane to want to turn into a cat.  Does anyone actually find her attractive besides male cats?

JLo competed in a marathon last weekend.  She completed the 18 mile bike ride, half mile swim, and 4 mile run in 2 hours and 23 minutes.  If I was there, I would have watched her like and eagle not because of the form fitting lycra outfit but because I swear she had a stunt double to do this for her.

Jessica Simpson says that Tony Romo is the world's best boyfriend, not because he's the quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys but because he puts up with her goofiness.  She said that he puts up with her belching the alphabet.  She also said that he even puts up with her farting in bed under the covers.  Dutch ovens with Jessica Simpson?  I think I am going to be ill.

Jennifer Hudson is engaged to a former contest on the trainwreck I mean reality show I Love New York.  He was the player named Punk.  She's an Oscar winner and his claim to fame is making out on reality tv with a woman who goes by the name New York.  If I was a girl, that whole making out on national tv with New York, would be a deal breaker.

Good to see Meadow Soprano survived that final shoot out in The Sopranos.  Actually this is Jamie Lynn Siegler who played Meadow on The Sopranos.  Oh she was soaking up the sun.  I think she was actually one of the reasons why I loved The Sopranos except when she went through her spoiled Jersey mob girl phase. 

Hillary Swank was in the hospital this week to have a benign growth removed from her body.  No it wasn't her ex-husband Chad Lowe.  Maybe while she is in there, they could do something for her hair and give her a decent role instead of her recent crap roles.

I think Heidi Montag is really trying to show her support for John McCain by mimicking Cindy McCain's look.  How did she let Spencer appear in public dressed like that?  I think their relationship is as fraudulent as their show.  Maybe instead of Cindy McCain, Heidi is going for the Paris Hilton look.  She even has a lazy eye like Paris.  I think Heidi probably had a stroke after listening to her own music. 

Heidi Klum was at a wrap party for Project Runway and John Mayer happened to be at the same party.  He ended up giving her a lap dance.  Seal had better watch out and hope that John Mayer isn't bigger than him below the belt because as I reported months ago, Heidi claims the only reason she is with Seal is because of his large penis.  Well, I have nothing to worry about here.  NEXT!

Heather Mills(on the left) was in negotiations to be a part of Donald Trump's Celebrity Apprentice.  Negotiations fell apart when one of Heather's demands wasn't met.  She wanted a guarantee that she would be one of the final two contestants.  See those reality shows aren't so real afterall.

George Takei, who played Sulu on Star Trek, got married last weekend to his partner.  They have been dating 21 years.  I guess if you want to look at the same bean bag for 21 years it must be true love.  Nichelle Nichols was the bridesmaid of sheer sexiness and Walter Koenig was the best man.  After the ceremony George turned around and thanked everyone for coming and he hoped that everyone would live long and prosper...that is the truth.  So who is the next gay celebrity to get married?  A few weeks ago Ellen got married so she is off the list.  My guess is Brad Pitt and George Clooney.

They make such a cute couple.  Brad Pitt did contribute $100,000 to a group that opposes the referendum that would ban gay marriage.  If I was Brad Pitt, I would probably contribute to the referndum supporters because that would mean he wouldn't have to get married to George or Angelina.  But seriously if I was Brad Pitt, I would be doing 75 chicks at the same time right now.

In the new movie "Burn After Reading", George Clooney plays a sex obsessed agent who has a special vibrator called The Silky and a Liberator Ramp.  Sales of these products have increased dramatically.  I would love to take some of the credit because I posted this picture and reported that he was carrying the ramp around off the set way back in October of last year.  These probably aren't the safest links to look at but this is The Silky and this is the form of The Liberator that I would recommend or at least that I would buy if I was in a relationship.

Rumor has it that Elisabeth Hasselbeck from The View is going to leave that show and go to FOX Noise.  Hasselbeck and FOX News is a perfect match made in hell.  Seriously FOX News sucks and Elisabeth makes me want to attack puppies with safety scissors.  If she takes that job it will be boring for her because everyone will agree with her political stances unlike The View where every episode seems to ahve a shouting match especially with that one woman that seems to think that the world is flat.  Basically, Elisabeth Hasselbeck on FOX News will be  BORING!

Celebrities are just like normal people.  They step in dog shit too.  Where is Diddy's winning assistant from that VH-1 series to wipe it off his shoes.  Actually Diddy was walking along the sidewalk when he stepped into his career.  Seriously, can you name me on hit song that guy has made that has not exploited the death of Biggie Smalls?  I didn't think so.

How the mighty have fallen.  This is Davy Jones.  He was in The Monkees, that band where I think he was the only actual musician.  He was also in a classic episode of The Brady Bunch and he also made a cameo appearance in The Brady Bunch movie, a cameo that spoofed his appearance on the original show.  Did you get that?  This guy used to have girls throw their panties at him, but now they just throw their bras at him to offer him extra support.  Oh, I shouldn't talk.

David Beckham takes his kids to school and picks them up in his Rolls Royce and he is followed by two SUVs filled with his security guards.  Ah, how cute, celebrities are just like normal people.

I'm currently working on a remake to the movie "It's a Wonderful Life."  The final scene has been slightly changed.  Instead of talking about bells ringing the little girl will say, "Teacher says everytime Courtney Love flips off a paparazzo while high on meth, an angel gets his wings."

Who wears short shorts?  Actually that should be who wears no shorts.  Chris Cooley is who.  He is a tight end with the Washington Redskins.  He caused quite a stir earlier this week when he took a photo of his game plan and posted it on his blog.  See the problem, besides posting what the team plans on doing on Sunday, was that Chris wasn't wearing any pants and he inadvertantly posted a picture of his dick online.  I guess he is giving us a "little" view of what goes on in the NFL's training rooms.  I shouldn't make little jokes either.

This is one of the first bikini photos of Brooke Hogan that doesn't make me hit the back button on the internet.  That hormone therapy must finally be working although her gay friend from her reality show isn't happy she is looking less masculine.

Ashton Kutcher has a new job.  He is an assistant football coach at a Hollywood high school.  When he showed up for the first days of practice, the players thought they were being punked.  I guess they didn't hear that Ashton has grown up and won't do that show.  Ashton played linebacker while in high school in Iowa.  He looks like he would be an anemic lineback and I know a thing or three about anemia.  His step-daughter Rumer Willis also has a major crush on him.  I don't think that is going to end well.  I can't wait for that future Jerry Springer show.  I've caught some of the new season...CLASSY!

Kevin Federline missed his son's birthday last weekend because K-Fed was partying in Las Vegas.  So much for that High Times father of the year award.  I actually think his kids are better off if he isn't around because maybe then they won't turn into posers.

"Don't call it a comeback"  LL Cool J once sang that but in Britney Spears case this is a comeback.  Her next album will be released on December 2nd of this year.  December 2 also happens to be her birthday.  The album will be called "Circus" because Britney says her life is a circus and she also loves clowns and cotton candy.  The first choice for an album name was "Trainwreck" but that has already been taken by Amy Winehouse.  Here is a leak of Britney's first single off the new album called "Womanizer".  It takes awhile to get to the song and then you ahve to put up with some radio station saying their name over and over, well that is you have to put up with it if you are a Britney Spears fan.

People close to Britney are worried that her record label is pushing her too hard to get this new album released.  They also claim she needs a lot more therapy.  What's the worst that could happen?  Oh yeah, suicide.  I did make a prediction last New Year's that a professional sports player would off himself.  Vince Young?

Amy Winehouse turned 25 last Sunday.  25?  She looks like she could be 125.  Doctors say she has the lungs of an 80 year old.  I feel bad for her.  Her friends had a party for her but Amy locked herself in her room and stared into a mirror and mumbled about how ugly she was.  I guess that is what drug abuse does to a person.

Adam West turned 80 today.  Hopefully he didn't celebrate by trying on the old tights.  Also I hope he didn't have to battle any sharks.  Lets pray that he had a great birthday doing the Batusi.

Well tomorrow I think I am going to go to Walmart because I have a strong desire for some Gedney's Pickles.  I love the Zingers.  Dill pickles with chili peppers...those are good eats.  I hope everyone has a great weekend.