Another week, another group of celebrities meet my scathing review or whatever the hell you want to call this.  I am in some pain tonight but that's another story.  Lets go to the celebrities.  This entry contains the biggest news of the decade.

Disney's clean cut, perfectly straight Zac Efron had his wax figure unveiled this week at Madam Trousseau's.  This is actually the wax figure.  I really couldn't tell the difference between the real Zac and the wax Zac.  All I know is that the wax figure is so creepy I will probably not be able to sleep for some time.  At the debut Zac talked about some of his future plans and one of them is Broadway.  He dropped a hint that he may take over for Daniel Radcliffe in the play Equus..that one that features nude actors and actresses.  I guess he is trying to ditch that squeky-clean Disney image.  Oh and for the ladies....Daniel Radcliffe's promotional poster for Equus.

First off, this picture has been altered.  They digitally removed some weight from Victoria.  It used to be that celebrities would do anything short of shoving bird crap in their faces to garner attention.  Well that bubble burst.  The Beckhams have started using bird crap to cleanse their skin.  Apparently Victoria has been using it for years.  She claims she had really bad acne and the bird crap cleared everything up.  Well, I'm convinced.  Now to catch those pesky blue jays that have been divebombing people walking around my house.

Last week I posted a picture of Victoria's $6000 heelless boots.  She went toy shopping with one of her sons this week and I saw her shoes and my feet are screaming out in pain.  Maybe she is into sadomasochism.  I don't wear heels.  They don't make them in my size, 17.

Travis Barker was released from the hospital earlier this week after receiving burns in his plane accident.  He said he was a vegetarian for 25 years but to help the healing process he has decided to eat meat and he admitted he really enjoyed it.  Good thing PETA doesn't have the strength to protest his words, but Travis better be on the look out because PETA has been notorious for hiring terror groups to carry out its dirty work.

Suri Cruise is the hardest working trophy baby in showbiz.  I realize it is in her contract that she has to be Tom's accessory but she looks so spent.  If this keeps up she'll end up in rehab for a case of "exhaustion".

I have the sudden urge to go motorboating.  You know I am only posting this because of all the recent talk of breasts on xanga.  Salam Hayek reminds me of the Grand Canyon.  She also announed on a German tv show, which is why she is so hot in that lederhosen, that she is part lesbian.  Ooops, it was actually Lebanese.  A guy can dream.  That kid has to be the luckiest kid in showbiz.  There are three things I could stare at non-stop all day: the tv show Cops, kittens playing with yarn, and Salma's chichis.

Roseanne announced on her blog today that a fired intern stole her sex tape and that she will pay him $25,000 if he returns it or she is willing to negotiate a deal to distribute her tape.  I think I have the solution to the teen pregnancy epidemic.  Replace all the Health textbooks with copies of her tape and force all males to watch the tape.  No male could maintain an erection after that.  I think I just committed assault against my penis by writing this story.

Robert Downey Jr. admitted this week to being a chronic masturbator.  He said he "rode his organ for everything that it was worth" and that he "couldn't leave his little root alone".  My question is how does he ride his organ.  Just to clear something up, I think the term "chronic masturbator" is interchangeable with the term "teen years".

Paris Hilton said that she wants kids and soon and four to be exact.  You know those pinpoint bombs they use to blow up terrorists as they walk out of a doorway?  I wonder if those things will work on uteruses.  By the way, has anyone bothered watching her reality show?  I have only seen the clips on The Soup.  It looks horrible but not train wreck horrible.

O.J. Simpson, you smug son of a bitch, you're going away for a long time.  Too bad you didn't get to partake of that party that you planned while awaiting the jury's decision.  Yeah, all that food and that suite and the strippers...you didn't get to enjoy that.  I hope you enjoy sharing a cell with a guy named Bubba who says you have a "purty mouf".

Nick Nolte's house in Malibu burned down this week.  Damage was estimated at $4million.  Wow, losing a house to fire instead of foreclosure...that's so retro.  I can't do it here, but I used to be able to do a pretty good Nick Nolte impression.  It was basically his move he makes in every move where he shakes his hands and head and say, "aaahhh oooohh jeez!"  Yeah, not to hard to pull off, I think anyone could do that after seeing a Nolte film, best choice for a lot of practice would be Blue Chips.

Billy Ray Cyrus was interviewed and he approved of his 15 year old daughter dating a 20 year old underwear model.  Your honor, Miley Cyrus has the net worth of 10,000 18year olds and the last time I checked an 18 year old can date whomever they want.  The defense now rests their case. 

Witnesses saw and heard Michelle Rodriguez have a fight with her female friend at a hotel this week.  A person in the room next door popped his head out and saw Michelle banging on her room door and heard her yell, "If you don't open this door, you're not going to get your dildo back."  That's my type of girl.

Melanie Brown is back modeling Ultimo lingerie.  I don't know if we can call her Scary Spice anymore.  This doesn't look too scary but it is spicy.  Spicy Spice...I like the sound of that. 

I think Megan Fox is now dating Peter North.  No, I won't post any of his videos, a link to his wikipedia entry is just fine and if you want to find out more then you look up his videos on your own.  This is actually a still shot from her new movie "How Lose Friends and Alienate People".  I think her new sploshing fetish is alienating me.

LINDSAY LOHAN READS MY BLOG!  She read my entry about candy specifically the part where I talked about Spree.  She bought a few rolls so that later she could feed all the green ones to Sam.

I take it that wearing a bra is like kryptonite for Lindsay Lohan...god I am such a nerd.

Lil Wayne turned 26 this week so Birdman gave him a suitcase filled with $1million as a present.  When I turned 26, I ate raw chocolate chip cookie dough all by myself and didn't get a call from my parents.  Oh and I had a faculty meeting that day at the science museum.  I wonder who had the better 26th birthday.

Kim Kardashian posted this photo from when she was 14 years old on her blog this week.  She did so to prove that she has had no plastic surgery.  I feel like I should be taking a seat and have Chris Hansen grill me about why I came to the house today.  I think if those bikini briefs got any higher they'd be warming her shoulders.

I am beginning to think that I like Katy Perry but not her song.  Now if only we could get a photo of her kissing a girl or at least a nipple.  A guy can dream...have you gotten the sense that I am really lonely and pent up?

This week Johnny Depp signed his contract for Pirates of the Caribbean 4.  Disney is set to pay him $56million.  This is the record amount of money for a single film, breaking Tom Hanks' record of $50million which was set last year when he signed on for the sequel to The DaVinci Code.  Apparently the economy isn't hurting them any.  Why aren't they enlisted to bail out Wall Street? 

Last week Jodie Marsh taught Paris Hilton how to wear leather pants.  This week Jodie is teaching Paris how to wear underwear.  SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!  What a classy dame!

Kendra Wilkinson was judging a bikini contest in The Bahamas this week.  She did a pretty kick-ass job as a bikini contest judge.  She raises her hand and looks at the chick's breasts at the same time.  My friends, that's sheer genius.

Holly Madison was seen outside a restaurant with Criss Angel.  A cameraman asked her if she could get him into the Playboy Mansion and she said she couldn't because she and Hef are no longer together.  She's 28 years old so I guess that is old by Playboy standards.  Hef finally confirmed the obvious.  He is said to be taking the break-up rather hard.  I think feeling bad for Hugh Hefner breaking up with a girlfriend is like feeling bad for Bill Gates if he loses his wallet.  So how does the 82 year old cope with losing his girlfriend?  18 year old vagina of course.

These are twins Kristina and Karissa Shannon.  Don't ask which is which.  This is how he copes.  He is now reportedly banging these two who will be the next girls next door.  Remember that show is on an 8 month delay.  The episode last week featured Kendra at the Super Bowl.  The only problem with this is that the twins are on probation for an assault in St. Petersburg, FL.  They supposedly bet some girl that was talking crap about them in study hall.  You know some guys have all the luck.  Hef should be jealous of me just because.  I say that to make myself feel better.

91 year old Ernest Borgnine signed on to do his 200th film.  He must really being doing his secret to living a long life or else he sold his soul to the devil.  Make sure you go to that link and turn the volume up, then maybe you can live a long life too. 

Grease up your genitals, David Duchovny is out of rehab.  The stint in rehab hasn't done him well in the looks department.  Maybe that is his dry spell face.

Danny Bonaduce ran out of gas while riding his Harley.  We know he can't afford the gas.  Why else would he be on the VH-1 reality circuit and also on the forthcoming Hulk Hogan reality series in which they try to make a celebrity into a professional wrestler.  Danny should be riding the bus.  I wonder if he knows that former child stars ride free on Mondays.

Remember this whore?  It's Daisy De La Hoya, niece of boxer/crossdresser Oscar De La Hoya.  VH-1 is giving her a new reality series entitled "Daisy of Love".  "Who Wants an STD" would have been a better name.  She is going to suck, fuck, lick, and eat her way through a group of dudes to find "the one".  I am still shocked that of all the VH-1 reality stars they chose her.  What about Heather?  What about Rodeo?  What about the Stallionaires?  I know what it is.  With every fifth refill of Valtrex, you get your own VH-1 series. 

This week Courtney Love admitted that she had gastric bypass surgery.  She also said that she was amused by all the stories out there of her being anorexic.  She didn't admitt to any drug use but that should jsut be assumed.

Brooke Hogan announced this week that she turned down Playboy's offer to pose nude.  I really think that should be the other way around: Playboy turned down her offer that she would pose nude for a bag of Cheetos and some cheap booze.  As long as we are in Bizzaro Land, I have to admit I am getting sick of all these women crying out in fear of my massive man meat and telling me to eat more donuts so my 8 pack abs won't crush them.

After 6 months of marriage, Beynoce finally admitted that she was married.  She said by saying that it would get her into trouble.  I guess that doesn't dispel the rumors that Jay-Z is a controlling and abusive husband.  They should get their own reality show so that I can turn it into a drinking game every time she flinches.

Audrina Partridge told paparazzi that this is how many she can count to all by herself.

I had to find an old photo of Amy Winehouse to remember the good days and also because I will use some of the newer scarier photos in a bit.  Apparently Tom Cruise is trying to get her to join the Church of Scientology.  So she has the option of believing in aliens who dropped other aliens into a volcano on Hawaii and when they died their souls tried escaping but the capturing aliens set out soul traps and once the souls were caught they forced them to watch videos about future religions of Earth to distract them from the fact that they were captured by aliens and forced to watch the videos and then the souls were sent to Earth where they joined a human body and thus began all the differing religions OR she can continue to do crack...that is a tough choice.

A friend close to Amy Winehouse said that Amy is worried that her nose is going to fall off.  With all the crap that has been up in that thing, is it any wonder that it hasn't shriveled up and said, "I QUIT!"  I think she needs to worry about her other organs deciding to call in sick one day.

Another friend of Amy Winehouse said that shortly after her birthday, she tried to kill herself.  She took out a knife and threatened to stab herself in front of her friends.  Thankfully her friends stopped her and told her that she has so much to live for like meth, coccaine, vicodin, whiskey, percocet, heroin, and weed.  And there are so many countries out there she hasn't visited or has yet to pass out inside the borders.  So I wonder when Amy dies, will she be given a 21 syringe salute?

Britney Spears went go-karting this weekend.  No one was killed but she came in last place so I guess that killed her ego. Her new video Womanizer debuted on 20/20 this evening.  Who knew Barbara Walers was such a Britney fan.  I have to admit the video is sort of hot.  People are calling it Toxic part 2.

To coincide with her album release, MTV will be airing a documentary which got its footage from Britney's crazy time.  Britney wants this documentary shown so she can be seen in a new light.  What light is that? When she talked with a fake British accent all the time or maybe when she held her kids hostage.  The only thing that comes to mind about this light isYOU'RE A CRAZY BITCH!

Prepare yourself for the biggest news of the decade! (drum roll please)

I'm just stoked because I'm going to get a free can of Dr. Pepper.

Reports of flying pigs have been circulating all over the world.

Axl Rose announced the release date for the long awaited Guns N Roses album, "Chinese Democracy".  Mark November 23rd on your calendars.  The only downside to this release is that he is only allowing one chain store to carry the album.  Good old Best Buy.  I am excited to hear a studio version of this album after all these years.  I do have a bootleg concert he did in Rio which supposedly featured the album in its entirety.  So the folks at Dr. Pepper must have known something.  I wonder how they are going to do that thing where they promised everyone a free can if the album was released in 2008.  When this album hits stores, it could bring us out of this economic downturn.

Well that is it for this week.  I hope you laughed, cried and were aroused.  I'll be around this weekend.