Day: October 19, 2008

  • Blast from the Past

    So I am posting some of my past blog entries now that I have a larger number of readers.  Today I decided to go with two.  The first entry comes from July 29th, 2006.  It is just some straight up funny stuff that I found involving Where's Waldo and then some Christian dating sites.  The other entry comes from October 24th 2005.  This one has to do with my cancer scare.  I figured since people are talking about testicular cancer awareness, I would post my close call.  It is sort of graphic because well it deals with my kibble and bits.  I hope you enjoy.


    So
    I was perusing the world wide web and I went back to a favorite website
    of mine called collegehumor.com.  I have been a fan of this site since
    I was in college.  Yes, it's that old.  Anyway I found some pictures
    from my childhood that absolutely frightened me and may explain why I
    am the way I am.  I present The Erotic Where's Waldo:


    Apparently
    in Where's Waldo land it is customary for gay sex and voyeurism.  Even
    though this Aztec is screwing the conquistador in reality the
    conquistador is really screwing the Aztec, but not in the ass.


    There's
    Waldo and where Waldo is there is gay sex around.  Look at the guy's
    smile.  He's enjoying raping that poor defenseless individual.  It makes
    me wonder why the cartoonist drew some of these scenes.  Oh, it gets
    worse.


    I bet Waldo was behind that money shot.


    Standard sword-up-the-ass.


    Why is the scubaman being force to watch gay sex, and why is the man on the bottom evacuating copious amounts of "liquid"?


    I hear this is what happens when you jerk dogs off.  RED ROCKET!

    So Where's Waldo was very pornographic and forced gayness upon
    children.  It's all a liberal conspiracy.  Now I also know why churches
    spoke out against Where's Waldo books.  It wasn't because the books
    were distracting children from hearing the Word; it was the massive
    amounts of money shots, sodomy, rape, and interracial relationships.  I
    bet these books were banned in Louisiana because we all know it was
    illegal in that state to date outside your race until the year 1998. 


    Yes, this is an add for Christian singles.  Hmmm.


    There's
    something about this in the Bible I believe.  Is it a sin to say a girl
    that you aren't married to is sexy?  If it is consider me Lucifer.


    We are in the middle of a heat wave.  This was me yesterday.  It was so hot in Minnesota.  Until next time, vaya con Dios!

    It all started about 2 and a half weeks ago.  I felt a sharp
    pain in my groin and it went away so I thought nothing of it.  Anyway
    about two weekends ago I was sitting around on a Friday night and I
    decided it was time for a self-examination of my testicles.  So maybe
    it wasn't really a self-exam but screw you for judging me.  It's not
    like you've never done that before.  OK I'm over it now.  I was
    "examining" and I found a lump on Lavonne.  That's the left one.  So
    I freaked out.  I was so scared.  Something like that isn't supposed to
    happen to a 25 year old guy.  I started worrying I would never have
    kids and I would lose my balls and women wouldn't want a guy who has no
    nuts and can't produce children.  I had visitors over that weekend and
    well I think I was a little withdrawn from them and seemed out of it. 
    Well I had a lot running through my mind.  It was even hard to talk
    about it when I saw them again during teacher's conferences.  It was
    also part of the reason I haven't posted in so long.  I just couldn't
    talk about it.  I was thinking of going to the pastor for advice but
    how would I put it.  "Hey pastor, last night I was manipulating the
    fulcrum of the ship's primary cannon and I found a barnacle on the
    starboard side."  Yeah like that would happen.  So I went to the doctor
    while I was at home visiting my family.  While my parents went to the grocery store I
    snuck out and went to the clinic.  I almost chickened out when I saw
    the receptionist.  This knock-out blonde...how am I going to tell her I
    have a lump on my balls.  Well I told her that I had a skin condition
    that the doctor needed to check out.  The doctor saw me right away
    which was odd because usually a nurse pre-examines and a doctor just
    checks out.  He came in and I told him and he looked at it and said I
    had a cyst.  I was foolish and just felt the lump and didn't go further into my exam.  He said it wasn't cancer because it wasn't on the testicle.  Yes he pulled my satchel to show me.  He removed the cyst with a scalpel which was a little scary.  So
    he stitched me up with two stitches and everything was all swell.  He said that it was good that I
    examined myself and when I found something I went in.  The doctor also
    said and I quote "It takes a lot of balls to do what you did today."
    Apparently most guys just shrug it off and it's too late when they find
    it and they might have to lose Lavonne or Rebecca.  Yes, I give my
    testicles female names because females have caused me nothing but
    trouble and they like to get me in trouble<note-I wrote this 3 years ago, I have grown up since then>.  He also said that I should
    try to look at this with humor.  Yeah, I thought I wouldn't ever
    have kids and now I am thinking that the swelling might attract the
    females.  Guys feel your balls.  It's an issue.  I didn't even have
    cancer and it scared me.   Girls stop thinking about balls and examine
    your breasts.  Early detection is the key.  Sorry not to just focus on my balls but I do support the fight
    against breast cancer.  Just remember the words of Tom Green, who lost his balls: 
    Hey kids feel your balls
    So you don't get Cancer
    Hey kids feel your balls
    So you don't get cancer
    Feel your balls
    Squeeze your balls
    Tease your balls
    Please your balls
    Early detection is the key
    Rub your balls and you won't get cancer
    Hey kids feel your balls
    So you don't get Cancer
    Hey kids feel your balls
    You don't want cancer
    Rub your balls
    Squeeze your balls
    So you don't get cancer
    MASTURBATE EVERYDAY!
    Hey kids feel your balls
    So you don't get cancer
    Hey kids rub your balls
    So you don't get cancer
    RUB YOUR BALLS WHILE MASTURBATING!
    Hey kids rub your balls,
    While masurbating looking for lump
    If you find a lump
    Then go to the doctor
    And get your testicle removed
    RUB YOUR TESTICLES,
    WHILE MASTURBATING OR WHILE NOT MATURBATING!
    Rub your balls for no reason
    Other then for checking for cancer
    Or rub your balls
    Specifically for the only reason of
    Checking for cancer
    Or rub your balls
    Only for pleasure
    Or for pleasure and
    For checking for cancer at the same time
    You can pleasure your balls
    And aslo check for cancer
    At the same time
    You can pleasure yourself
    And also check for cancer
    At the same time
    TWO BIRDS, ONE STONE!
    Pleasure your balls
    And check them for
    Cancer at the same time

    Well that is it for today.