Another week has come and went and it has left some great celebrity stories in its wake.  Nothing big happened to me today so I'll just get into the round up.

A Hollywood madam is telling multiple sources that Will Smith comes to her for his sexual needs.  Now it isn't like Will is going straight to the madam...hehe straight...the madam says that Will is buying one of her male whores.  Part of me believes this and the other part doesn't because if Will needed a gay fling why wouldn't he just head over to Tom Cruise's sex dungeon where Tommy has dick on staff 24 hours a day. 

Here is some more feet abuse and of course it is Victoria Beckham.  Her feet stopped shedding red tears and have just given up.  One day they will go on permanent strike.  I wish I could have literally run into her so I could sue for being stabbed.

So who is the guy with Tom Cruise?

It's actually Katie Holmes.  No wonder he is dating her.  Another fun story about Tom Cruise surfaced right before I started this entry.  He was a presenter at the Friar Club's Roast of Matt Lauer.  I assume you know what a roast is.  You jokingly poke fun at someone.  Well Tom said this to Matt: "I get to go to international sets and movie sets.  You have found happiness doing the same thing day after day.  You sit on a couch and interview the car from Knight Rider and cook radishes with Rachael Ray.  I can't believe I flew out here for this.  Lose my number you glib putz."  Matt Lauer responded, "Why don't you sit down?  We'll get you a booster seat."  Tom Cruise should not be allowed to do comedy.

Tila Tequila was at the grand opening of her place in the Luxor Casino called Tacos and Tequila.  Here we see her informing two friends about the importance of breast exams.

Guess the ass.  I have to admit that she looks better than the usual but so does a mummy once you put it in a museum.  It's Tara Reid.

I think this photo makes it obvious that on the set of Sex in the City they used soft lighting, camera tricks, and CGI to make people believe that Sarah Jessica Parker was a sex symbol.  I think Chloris Leachman is a better sex symbol, a drunken senile sex symbol...are there any other?

Pink admitted to having a drinking problem this week and that after her break-up with her husband she spent time in a "health center".  I think if you have a problem with the booze you should drink more booze because that way you black out and forget you have any problems.  Kids, remember, I'm not a licensed therapist...much like Dr. Phil.

Paris Hilton is in London filming the UK version of Paris Hilton is My BFF.  Paris has said that London is much more accepting of her therefore she is considering moving there permanently.  Did you hear that loud sucking sound?  I think all the genital warts in America have disappeared and followed their supreme leader to London.  If she tries to come back to America we need to pass laws that would have her quarantined for 100 years.  So a bunch of uncensored footage from her show has found its way to youtube.  I watched a view.  My favorite is when Clark Gable's granddaughter(yes one of Clark Gable's grandchildren is a contestant on her show, I think she is the blonde and drunk one) play with an inflatible sheep sex doll.  It is pretty gross.

Nick Hogan was released this week due to good behavior or maybe it was because of multiple rapings.  I forget.  3...2...1...REALITY SHOW!  He is so going to cash in on this.  When he got out his mom threw a party for him.  I'm sure that if John Graziano, his now brain-dead passenger, could walk or think he would have been there.

Miley Cyrus was interviewed this week and she said that she wants to get an apartment with her 20 year old boyfriend so they can watch movies and eat popcorn.  I am sure they would have slumber parties, eat s'mores, talk about boys, have pillow fights, and braid each other's hair.  Afterall as the great philosopher Cyndi Lauper once said, "Girls just want to have fu-un."  I am thinking that "wach movies" and "eat popcorn" are slang for make hardcore bondage porn.  Speaking of Miley and porn, the hacker that broke into her gmail account and posted pictures she sent to one of the Jonas Brothers was arrested this week.  He may be charged with possession of child pornography because of the nature of some of the pics he didn't post.

Sorry ladies, Michael Phelps is taken.  He is dating Barbara Walters....ok, I wanted you to shudder but his girlfriend is Barbara' assistant and the ironic thing is that her name is Marina...I think Michael has a water sports fetish.

Madonna, look at me.  YOU BITCH!  Sorry that had to be said.  She should have child abuse charges filed against her.  She has been parading her son Rocco around town in a Yankees jersey.  Guy is an emotional wreck.  He actually thought that he could turn Madonna into a respectable member of society.  I guess he never saw what she likes to do with champagne bottles.

Friends are saying that Madonna thinks she is one of the greatest physical specimens on the earth and so she wants to procreate with another great physical specimen, namely Alex Rodriguez.  I am surprised she hasn't had a baby with herself because she is superhuman or so she believes. 

Lindsay Lohan is no longer on Ugly Betty.  Her stint was supposed to be 6 episodes but that has been trimmed down to 4.  She has been impossible to deal with on the set because she refuses to show up if America Ferrera is there before her and she trashed her dressing room so bad that they had to repaint it on a daily basis.  Well the straw that broke the camel's back was during the filming of one seen, America was supposed to get revenge on Lindsay's character by pulling down her pants and exposing her granny panties.  Well she did and Lindsay wasn't wearing any underwear and Lindsay started crying and stormed off the set.  Of course this is all America's fault.  I mean the show is named after her character.
 
So now that she has been fired, it pretty much means that her career is over.  She has no films lined up, no tv shows, and no community theater.  She tried to get on Dancing with the Stars but they turned her down.   That would have meant high ratings for the show but the other dancers would have gotten gonorrhea.

Earlier in the week Lindsay basically called Sarah Palin a dork who tries to be cool on the weekends.  She must be talking about her last stunt on Saturday Night Live.  Why is Lindsay Lohan such a political commentator?  I wonder how many presidents she could actually name.  I know she definitely knows Bush but Clin-something doesn't count.

Lil Wayne is a proud father of a newborn son.  He named him Dwayne Carter III.  He never said the name of the mother but my money is on Bow Wow. 

Kendra Wilkinson was so drunk one night this week that she needed help from her Bunny friends to walk her out of the club.  Oh, how that reminds me of Saturdays past when I have escorted drunken ladies out of the bars.  They are taking her to a windowless conversion van with soundproof interior, right?

Bet you can't guess who this is.  Well it's Jonathon Lipnicki.  Who is that?  He's the little cute kid in Jerry Maguire.  He turned 18 this week.  Wow, I'm getting old.

John Travolta was playing dress up for Qantas Airlines this week to unveil one of their new planes.  Hi hair looks so fake.  If he expects us to believe the only part of his body that has seen a plug is his butt, then he is kidding himself.
 
It seems like just a few weeks ago Jodie Marsh started teaching Paris Hilton how to act like a lady.  Apparently in the last couple of weeks she has converted to lesbianism and wants a baby.  Couldn't she just sneeze and get that sperm off her nose?

That banana knows that Jodie isn't a lesbian.

Jessica Simpson launched her new perfume called Fancy.  You should get this perfume if you want to seduce your significant other with the sensual scent of lilacs and failure.
 
Pregnancy definitely agrees with Jenna Jameson.  Her twins are due sometime in 2009.  Her beauty is finally returning.  I hope that she has finally kicked meth for good.

If you can say anything nice about these two twats then check yourself into a loony bin.  Is Spencer slumming?  I am surprised that Heidi can even pretend to read.  Apparently they are still backing John McCain but here's the thing I have.  Both of them are wearing Sarah Palin shirts.  Are people supporting her over McCain and do they realize that Palin is only his vice presidential pick?  Anyway Spencer's shirt says "Palin for VP: God Guns Glory" and Heidi's shirt says "Read My Lipstick Vote McCain/Palin".  If Barack Obama wants to win this election, he needs to deport these idiots to Sudan.  I hear Sudan is lovely this time of year with the crisp fall air, changing colors, and the death squads settling down for winter.  WHAT DOUCHEBAGGERY!

To me this was the best news of the week.  Heidi's clothing line, Heidiwood, has been discontinued.  It is any wonder when those shorts that she is wearing are among the classiest pieces of her collection?  I hear she wants to start over with a complete new name that encompasses her essence as a human being.  Let me take a crack at naming the new line: AttentionWhoreville, TwattyTown, or Las Putas.  Those all encompass her essence.

A few months ago I posed the question, "Is Heather Graham still alive?"  Well she came out of hiding place in Milwaukee, WI(my bet is on the Safehouse).  She hasn't been in a successful movie in forever.  Please send her some high caliber work or at least something like Boogie Nights.

Guy Ritchie is claiming the reason that he is divorcing Madonna is because he hasn't had sex with her in over 18 months.  Probably the reason why he wouldn't have sex with her is because he did say that it was like cuddling with a piece of gristle and also that she worked out 12 hours a day.  At least he isn't parading their kids around in Manchester United jerseys.  I actually feel bad for guy but my dry spell is longer.

Gillian Anderson gave to birth to a son this week.  She named him Felix.  His father's last name is Griffiths so the baby's full name is Felix Anderson Griffiths.  That poor kid will never be able to have anything monogramed.  Think about it....

George Hamilton, the world's only living sun-dried tomato, was on The View and claimed that when he was 12 years old he screwed his step-mother and that he enjoyed it.  The ladies of The View said that George had been molested.  He then said, "Well I'd do it again."  Apparently molestation is funny to this guy probably because his brain is composed of pieces of charbroiled bacon fat.  Oh, George, just go lay out in the sun and I'll send someone to molest you with a meat thermometer every hour to make sure you haven't completely roasted.

Don Cornelius, the former host of Soul Train and from whom I learned to be cool as a child, was arrested for laying down a strong pimp hand on a triflin' bitch.  The charge may be reduced to bitch, where's my money.  Witnesses say that right before he hit his wife he did yell, "I'm Don Cornelius, bitch"  I think he stole that from Rick James who had that made famous by Dave Chappelle.

Here's a little something for the ladies.  Stop fighting itladies, you know you want to lick his eyebrows because he paints them on with chili powder and then you want to spin on his roided up baby carrot stick.  Actually I wouldn't if I was you because he was at the opening of Tila Tequila's joint, Tacos and Tequila, so only fantasizing about him is kosher because he was within 100 yards of Tila so he probably has numerous STDs.

Guess the ass crack.  I'm trying to remember if she did crack in her Oscar winning role as a killer prostitute.  Here she is not a monster.  Charlize Theron.

Beyonce is an idiot.  She wants people to call her Sasha Fierce because that has something to do with her new album.  That sort of reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George Costanza wanted to have a nickname so he suggested that people call him t-bone because he liked a t-bone steak.  Well a coworker got that nickname and George was saddled with Coco because he was waving his arms like the sign language speaking ape.  George then produced a janitor whose name was Coco and eventually George had the nickname Gammy.  Maybe we should call Beyonce, George Costanza instead of Sasha Fierce.  Someone should shut her up.  Just because you have a made up name, it doesn't protect you.  My lawyers have told me that. 

I leave with the most disturbing news of the week.  Ali Lohan, Lindsay's 15 going on 35 year old sister, refused to go to her grandfather's funeral earlier this year because she was having a bad hair day.  I guess that seems fitting.  Everyone's focus wouldn't be on Ali so she didn't want to go.  That and in his will, her grandfather said that he didn't want that bald-headed girl anywhere near his carcass.  He did say things about Lindsay that are surprisingly not suitable for this website.

Well that is it for this week.  I hope you enjoyed.  I will be posting through out the weekend but maybe not on Sunday because I will be busy that day but I wish everyone a good weekend.  Oh and they forecasted snow for my neck of the woods on Sunday.