Last night I went out so I didn't get this posted and today has been football.  Badgers lost an ugly game and I think it's time for a change.  Calling a timeout on 4th down while the opponent is scrambling to get the right players on the field thus giving them an the time to get lined up is something even I know not to do.  UGH!  Terrible.  I went to the haunted bar last night.  Nothing out of the ordinary happened except a large group of vampires walked in.  I think there were too many people there.  Oh well I'll write more about it tomorrow.  I need to get back on a slow weekend.  Celebrities.

Vanilla Ice turned 40 this week.  Nice to see despite being jobless he still has a sense of humor.  I guess I can still turn to him whenever I have a problem because he can solve and I hear he still rocks the mic like a vandal and still lights up the stage and waxes chumps like a candle. 

Poor Traci Bingham, can't a hollywood starlet take out her trash dressed like a hooker without the paparazzi taking photos of her?  I miss the days when women the likes of Audrey Hepburn could do her chores in a bustier and crotchless panties and stripper boots and no one would care the less.

Shia Lebouf now makes housecalls.  He looks like he is so pissed and he wants to steal my soul.  Either that or maybe he is constipated or someone pissed in his whiskey bottle for which I would prescribe vicodin.

Shaun Sand went as herself for Halloween this year.  Yeah, that is what she typically wears around the house and to take the kids to school.

Scott Weiland, the former Stone Temple Pilots frontman, turned 41 this week.  I am shocked by that.  First I am shocked that he made it to 41 and second I am shocked that he is still alive. 

Salma Hayek, never again cover up 97% of your body.  I will be very upset.  The least you could do was give us some ankle.  Yes, ankle, remember I went to an ultra-conservative school so ankle was risky.

A few weeks ago I posted a photo of Rafael Nadal sans shorts.  Well he released a photo for a magazine this week sans shirt.  Ladies, enjoy.

The economy is even hurting Paris Hilton.  She is netting $25,000 per appearance while filming her UK reality show whereas the last time she visited London she was receiving $75,000 per appearance.  I wonder if all working girls are having those same misfortunes.  I'll have to check out the going rate for some yanky cranky.

Since Nicole Richie is no longer Paris' sidekick or flashing her breasts, she may be called boring, but she looks great and looks even better without her dirty boyfriend Joel Madden.

Miley Cyrus' parents are now worried that she is going to end up like Jamie Lynn Spears.  In an interview this week a reporter asked Miley about sex and birth control and Miley said that she isn't on anything and, "whatever happens, happens."  I think it is very hard to discipline your daughter especially when she is the family breadwinner.  At this point Miley could film a sex tape with Bill O'Reilly rubbing his loofa all over her and Billy Ray wouldn't be able to stop her.  I think the first thing Billy Ray should do is drop the name Billy and go with something more adult like Bill or William and then he needs to lose the mullet.  Then maybe if he looks and sounds like an adult Miley might realize that she has parents.

Mickey Rourke was prancing around in a London bar and he had the misfortune of having his zipper come undone.  That is pretty embarassing but not as embarassing as revealing that he wears pink underwear.  So maybe wearing pink underwear isn't as embarassing as being Mickey Rourke.

Michael Jackson is planning a world tour to promote his yet to be released new album.  Michael, you are now most famous for touching kids.  Your music is so predictable and what you call dancing, I call epilepsy.  Moms, hide your kids.  Kids, hide your butts because Michael is single and ready to mingle.  Michael, I raise my cup of Jesus Juice to you, you ballsy bastard.

Are you planning a pool party any time soon?  Do you have an extra $100,000 in your budget for said pool party?  Well if you answered yes to both questions then you could have Michael Phelps attend your party to swim laps for your entertainment.  That happened this week.  An executive for a major TV network had Phelps swim laps for a pool party celebrating his wife's birthday.  OK, if you are really planning a pool party and don't have $100k, I'll do a few strokes for you but I don't think I'll be wearing a speedo.

Mark Ronson, Sam's brother, was at a party thrown by Diddy this week.  Mark was saying that he hadn't had anything to eat all day because he was looking forward to the extravagant food choices that Diddy is known for.  Well Mark saw a tray of brownies and apparently those are Mark's favorite.  Well these were Diddy's special brownies.  Yes, Mark ate many pot brownies and got messed up.  He missed the pigs in meth blanket and the MDMA cigars.  Because I hate Diddy, I would take my brownie and go make an anonymous call to the police.  Then maybe Diddy could legitimately sing about living a tough life. 

Mario Batali and Gwenyth Paltrow go around Spain in search of food and culture in their new PBS series.  Mario should not be looking for culture considering he wears Crocs.  Those things make him look like such a douche.  I just want to punch him.
 
Mariah Carey went to a Halloween party with her husband Nick Cannon.  She forced him to dress up as a gallon of milk.  She didn't realize it was Halloween.  That is what she wears everyday.  Actually she did know and one costume at a costume party wasn't enough for Mariah.  After their first enterance she and Nick left and changed into firemen and came back to the party on the back of a fire engine.  Yeah, you see a lot firefighters wearing knee-high stockings and garters...well maybe not in my hometown on the volunteer fire department that has 3 females but I'm sure in other fire departments.

A friend of Lindsay Lohan came forward this week and revealed a conversation she and Lindsay had.  Apparently Lindsay said she still "loves dick" and Sam is the only woman that she would ever consider being with.  Who needs labels?  She's not straight, she's not lesbian, she's not bi...she's just a slut. 

I wonder how it would feel to get out of prison and find out that your mom is dating one of your high school classmates.  Well it's no where near the pain the family of John Graziano has to go through knowing that he is never going to recover so I guess Nick Hogan can hurt all he wants.  Linda is really nice.  She's carrying Charlie's skateboard for him.  I need to find a girlfriend who will carry my skateboard around for me.

Here's a story that may sound familiar.  Kim Kardashian is trying to sell photos of herself partying with her boyfriend.  Well no sex was involved and it was Reggie Bush this time.  Kim was trying to sell photos of her and Reggie partying last weekend.  See Reggie wasn't supposed to be partying in the US.  His team, the New Orleans Saints, were playing a game in London.  Reggie was supposed to be recovering from an injury or be with the team.  He chose the recovery.  Well he is getting fined $50,000.  When will Kim learn that his career is number one.  HMMM...that will be hard considering she loves when guys go number one all over her face.

Kim went as Wonder Woman for Halloween this year.  Didn't Wonder Woman have super speed and reflexes?  Kim doesn't and she proved that as being a failure on Dancing with the Stars.  I also didn't recall Wonder Woman having a weakness to cupcakes and black guys.  Oh well, that ass is a wonder in and of itself.

Katy Perry went as Freddie Mercury for Halloween.  I wonder if she kisses girls with that moustache.  Katy, remember, with great moustache comes great responsibility.

Hey remember when Katie Holmes was cute and bubbly and full of life?  I don't know what adjective could be used to describe her current look.  Is frumpy actually a word?  How about zombie-esque?  Remember her in Batman Begins in 2005?  Yeah, Transformers don't even change that much.

The Jonas Brothers are set to star in their first major motion picture entitled Walter the Farting Dog.  The ploy centers around a group of brothers who form a band and they inherit a dog with a gas problem.  Yes, I forsee that this movie will make loads of money but it sounds like something that should be in the fetish section of your local porn shop.

Joe the Plumber will soon be Joe the Country Star.  He is going to cash in on his 15 seconds of fame and try to get a recording contract.  Why can't he be like Joe Sixpack, who sits in his basement out of the spotlight and drinks his Natty Ice.  I think to gain back his 15 seconds of fame Joe the Plumber might want to leak that sex tape with Joe Sixpack.

At a memorial service for Paul Newman this week, Joaquin Phoenix announced that he is quitting the movie business to pursue his music career.  After he said that he temporarily blacked-out and his breath reeked of Jack Daniels, cloves, and rubbing alcohol.  Breathalyzers exploded miles away exploded when he opened his mouth.  For some reason I don't think his acting career is over.
 
Jessica Simpson is a major movie star(hahahaha I'm that good).  Her new movie Major Movie Star debuted as the number one movie....in Russia.  No release date has been set for countries where English is the primary language.  The scary thing about this is that Russia loves Jessica Simpson and they have nuclear weapons...ladies, please hold me.  Apparently Major Movie Star is going to be released straight to DVD here in the states.  Because of the straight to DVD release Jessica Simpson can not be nominated for the Best Actress Oscar.  So keep checking out your local dollar stores for this movie.

Hilary Duff just released a new single called Reach Out.  It is her butchered rendition of Depeche Mode's classic "Personal Jesus".  Hilary Duff really sucks and not thumbs although I wish that were my thumb.

Heidi Klum takes Halloween seriously.  Yes, that is Heidi Klum.  I think she has offended a billion Hindus worldwide.  I can't imagine getting drunk in that costume.  I would either stab myself in the no-no place with the sword or try to be intimate with one of the severed heads.  The greatest possibility would be me getting frisky with one of those hands because I would probably be leaving the party alone as usual.

Asking if Heidi Klum has milk is somewhat of a rhetorical question seeing as her husband Seal will not let her not be pregnant.  OK, chew on that last sentence.  It makes my head hurt much like the celebrity got milk ads.  They make me thing naughty things.

Gwen Stefani got in the Halloween spirit.  At first I thought this was some new couture dress.  Then I realized it was an egg costume.  Hey Gwen, I'll bring home the bacon if you know what I mean...so regular or turkey bacon?

Lisa Marie Pressley went to a medium this week to channel Elvis.  The medium said that Elvis saw his grandchildren and he will be watching over them.  Wow, that is awesome.  Behold the power of Elvis.  Dang, I can't think of any Elvis titles that would fit here.  Maybe if Lisa Marie asked where Elvis was he could have said, "In the Ghetto" or "I'm a hunka hunka burning love"....ok, I admit it, I suck.

David Beckham gave us proof positive that he is not attracted to women as skinny as rails.  So maybe the Laker girls aren't the best example to use but they look huge compared to his wife Victoria.

Guess the ass.  This woman married a mentally handicapped man and actually had children with him.  She sure is friendly looking in that bikini.  Courtney Cox...she married David Arquette just in case you were wondering.

Coco was actually photographed with her pimp this week....wait that is her husband Ice-T.  I was sort of shocked by this costume.  It is quite conservative as opposed to her regular clothing choices.
 
I think the best costume of the year has to go to Cindy Crawford.  She went as Amy Winehouse.  She rocked the beehive boufant hairdo and even had a little coke coming out of her nose.  I love it.

Boy George went as Joe the Plumber for Halloween.  What's that you say?  He looks like that all the time now?  Wow, the mighty have fallen.  Here I thought he was some sort of chameleon and could look like whomever he wanted.  Yes, I suck.  I just wanted to post the current photo of Boy George because I couldn't find one last week and of course he does look like the flavor of the week.

Irish Jesus, Bono, was photographed with two 19 year old girls and the photos appeared on facebook.  The girls claim to just be friends with Bono and that they all drank champagne and partied aboard The Edge's yacht.  Of course nothing happened. The only reason why Bono was hanging out and partying with them is because they told him that they were wearing bikinis to save the world.

I chose this picture for the disturbance factor.  Ashley Olson wants to get breast implants but she also wants Mary Kate to get them so that way they can appear "even".  Go ahead go for it.  We'll just pretend you finally filled out at 22 years old.  I'm sure Lance Armstrong needs something to hold onto while he's riding you.  Mary Kate, you should get yours done as well.  I mean you have had a rough year what with supplying Heath Ledger the drugs that killed him...yeah, get your boobs done and all your troubles will disappear.

Now that Anne Hathaway's boyfriend is in jail thanks to her for ratting on him, she is appearing in a magazine trying to make a comeback.  I think it is working. 

This is Annalynne McCord.  She is one of the stars of the new 90210.  It is so nice to see today's youth out whoring it up despite the current economic crisis facing the entire world.  Sure I have an astonishing 8 pack but you won't see me showing it off in a ridiculously tight shirt unless it's mesh because mesh makes everything better.  You know, I really don't have an 8 pack.  I have something more like a full keg.

Ali Lohan and her mom Dinah were at a dog costume show this week.  They came in second place.  Ali Lohan is only 14 but she looks like she is the same age as her mom or at least 45.  Ali looks like a cocktail waitress at Deja Vu.  I've never seen a cat wearing a bowtie or a mesh top.  Ali gets the Pedigree stamp of approval.

Amy Winehouse finally took the advice she sang about a couple summers ago.  She went to rehab this week.  Who cares if it was the billionth time?  Hopefully it will stick this time.  Supposedly what got her to check herself in was that she had a chest infection.  I think it may have had something to do with her teeth.  I think they are permanently brown due to being burnt by all the crack smoking.

Well that is it for this week.  I'll be back tomorrow to talk about the haunted bar.