So I have to say this was a light week mostly due to Halloween so the celebrities are stopping their debauchery to be good little boys and girls so that Santa will give them good presents. I also think it had something to do with the election...maybe? I am hoping Stephen Baldwin and Spencer Pratt make good on their promises and leave the US. We have Alec and he is the only Baldwin worth mentioning. OK, time for the round up.
We'll start off with a round of guess the ass. This woman was the fore-runner to JLo and Kim Kardashian and that other girl famous for having a nice butt. You may not know her but I guarantee some of you will look her up after reading this. Vida Guerra.
At a party this week Tila Tequila was spotted making out with the Mac dude, Justin Long. The person that reported this heard him scream "Straddle me!" Tila did and then she started dry humping him and this was all in public. That guy is on a downward spiral. First he's dating Drew Barrymore, then leaves her for Kirsten Dunst and now he's seen receiving STDs from Tila. What's next, homeless hipster girls? Maybe that would be a step up from Tila.
Ladies, this could all be yours. Simon Cowell dumped his girlfriend this week. As a parting gift he gave her $9million. Something tells me that Simon is into some freaky things and that is hush money. I would start the rumor of gerbils but we all know that is Richard Gere's territory. Anyway I am just thinking if Simon remains single for some time, imagine the sexual tension between him and Ryan Seacrest on this next season of American Idol.
You know from this angle Scarlett Johannson appears to be one of the greatest actreses of our generation.
I love Sacha Baron Cohen. He is the talented comedian that brought us Borat and Ali G. Now he is filming a movie for his other character, Bruno. Last weekend he was in California terrorizing the anti-gay rallies. People started to catch on as to who he is so then Sacha had to be whisked away. I can't wait for this movie because look at the sexual tension...Sacha is in blue, anti-gay guy in green.
Paris Hilton thinks her fake campaign videos that she shot for funnyordie.com were the real reason why voter turn-out was so high. Whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch. Paris, seriously, you are old news. You've sucked Hollywood dry(literally and metaphorically). Your infamy has been stretched way beyond the standard 15 minutes. You are as relevant as Lisa Stothard. OK, I have sung the negatives about Paris Hilton. What can there be positive about her? Well she did bring the term "cum dumpster" into the standard English lexicon.
The saddest bit of Paris Hilton news was that she finally admitted that she thinks guys have used her for sex, money, and fame. I think guys have only used her for money and fame. I've seen her sex tapes and well I wasn't convinced. I guess Paris has finally figured out what we ahve known for years.
Oprah is human after all. She used a port-a-potty for the first time in her life at Obama's victory celebration in Grant Park. I can imagine she probably had a crew go in beforehand and go all Extreme Makeover and make it play sounds of the rainforest and smell beautiful and hve the finest of mineral waters for bidet action. I have no clue how rich people live, I just like to pretend that I do.
Miley Cyrus was on the Tyra Banks show this week and she claims that she appreciates her fame and fortune because her first job was hell. No, not that type of job, pervert. She claimed that at age 11 she went to work for a toilet cleaning company. I find it funny since no company in California is allowed to hire anyone under the age of 14. Either the company has committed a felony or Miley is a liar. My money is on her being a liar.
Michael Crichton passed away this week at the age of 66. He wrote Jurassic Park, The Lost World, Disclosure, Sphere, Congo and many others. He was also one of the creators of NBC's hit show of 14 years and a staple of my Thursday nights, ER. Michael Crichton will be greatly missed.
Melissa Ethridge has the right idea. Seeing that Prop 8 passed, she said that means she is a second class citizen and no longer has any civil rights therefore she refuses to pay California state taxes. No taxation without representation.
Seeing Prop 8 passed, Lindsay and Sam have to postpone their wedding. Apparently the wording on the ballot was confusing and they are looking for a loophole which would allow marriage if your partner appears to have a penis.
Lindsay was also in a new magazine spread that portrayed her as skanky and evil. Ot really enforce that idea that she is evil, the photographer should have captured a shot of her on a three-man bike with George Bush and Kim Jong Il.
Lily Allen always makes me smile. She looks so hot as an 80s call girl waiting for her connection to bring her smack while she starts to go into fits of withdrawal. She probably just heard that there will be a Broadway musical about Betty Boop and she is paying homage.
Poor Larry King. I think that is like his 9th wife. Well she is cheating on him with their son's baseball coach. She was overheard bragging to a friend that she and the coach got busy in Larry's home office on his desk. When the coach tells the son and mom to choke up on the bat there is entirely different outcomes.
Kendra Wilkinson announced this week that she is engaged to Hank Baskett, wide receiver of the Philadelphia Eagles. Wow, I thought she was still dating Hugh Hefner. I guess those 4 person relationships aren't all they're cracked up to be. Hugh made the announcement that he will walk her down the aisle. I am personally glad she is marrying a guy. She made me think she was the Peppermint Patty of the Girls Next Door...maybe she still is, her future husband plays with balls for a living. I do feel bad for him because I think that there will be an SAT question about this: If you sleep with a woman that Hugh Hefner has had sex with, how many people worldwide have you just had sex with? Bonus question: what color will your dick be next Thursday?
Katy Perry has an awesome dress. When a guy stares at her cleavage, it stares right back. Her dress isn't the only thing with a creepy stare. She needs to learn how to blink.
Joaquin Phoenix drove home the notion that he is quitting the movie business this week at the premire of Che. Wow, that looks quite clever to dyslexics. Hollywood has just announced that it is taking applications to replace Joaquin as village idiot.
The crew of Jackass tried to remain relevant this week by being photographed by Terry Richardson. I don't know who Terry Richardson is but the site I got these from was making a big deal about him. So are these supposed to be sexy? I am not into the same things as Johnny Knoxville. Warning not safe for life.
Steve-O, what needs to be said.
We now can speculate as to how Wee-Man truly received that moniker.
I really think Chris Pontius needs to get checked out by a doctor.
I guess those rumors about Holly Madison dating Criss Angel are not rumors. I still think this is a more likely scenario as he says, "For my next trick, I'll kidnap Holly's family and force her to make out with me under the guise that I will release her family if she does as I say."
Oh Heidi and Spencer! Those douchebags make everything into a photo op. What's next? She goes to the OB/GYN and is in stirrups as Spencer holds the speculum?
Heidi Klum offended Hindu leaders because Kali is a revered Hindu god. They were thinking about boycotting her but what would they boycott? Project Runway? Guitar Hero or Rock Band commercials (I don't pay attention when I see the shimmy in a bra)?
Wow, Hayden Panettiere has a plunging neckline that goes to her waist. She needs to stop wearing so much make-up. It makes her look like a tranny or Christina Aguilera. She needs to stop raiding mommy's make-up to play dress-up. Remember, less is more.
Guy Ritchie claims to be happy since Madonna announced they were divorcing. I doubt he is truly happy because this week he had two fun moments. First, he was in his bar and a bloke(hard to say guy and Guy) came up and said that he was a Madonna fan and then he blamed Guy for their failed marriage. The dude then poured his drink on Guy and his friends. The other incident was when Guy was walking down the street. A teenager charged at him with a knife and said that he loved Madonna and was her biggest fan. The teen was caught and taken away. See video games aren't screwing up our kids. It's MADONNA!
Evan Rachel Wood, the welfare version of Dita Von Teese, broke up with Marilyn Manson this week. People speculate that Marilyn only got with her because she looks like Dita, his ex-wife. Apaprently Paul Pfeiffer(the best Marilyn Manson rumor ever) was emotionally abusive. Knowing her, she is probably seeking comfort in the arms of Gary Busey.
All you McCain supporters, this is the man that caused Obama to win the election. Diddy claims that when he voted he believes that his single vote put Barack Obama into the White House. I think President-Elect Obama should appoint Diddy as the new Secretary of Douchebaggery.
Guess the ass: I couldn't put her in my Halloween Round Up because she is that classy. She claims that Halloween is her favorite holiday because it means that she can go around naked. COCO!
So she is wearing clothing, just to clear that disappointment up. Coco really puts the pussy into pussycat. Seeing that she isn't naked in that costume she should wear that church because that is Amish conservative for Coco.
The Britney is back with Adnan rumors have started again because they have been spotted shopping together. I think the only explainable reason why she falls for him is that his penis must shoot cheetos. If he wants big money he needs to drop Britney and start bottling whatever it is that he is slipping into her drinks.
Britney also performed with Madonna this week and also was reunited with Justin Timberlake..OK not on stage but backstage for like 3 minutes. Their costumes look ridiculous. Britney looks like she is ready to go fox hunting and Madonna looks like she lost a bet or is auditioning to be a dancer at Deja Vu or the more likley Wisconsin Dolls.
Is it me or is this photo of Amy Winehouse a turn-on? Oh, Amy, you tease! Damn, I need a girlfriend, now taking applications.
Amy Winehouse celebrated her husband's release from prison by beating a photographer. See Amy is just like a mother bear protecting her cubs, if those cubs were smokeable and made of crack.
Maybe Amy's born with it or maybe it's Maybelline.
Well that is it for this week. Please don't delete me if you find something you dislike. That happened this week. I lost a friend because I was a bit excessive on the Obama celebration or so he said. It's not like I did the South Park episode. Anyway, I'll hopefully be around this weekend more than likely seeing it is supposed to snow. Have a good weekend.
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