Alright it's a day late.  The holiday has me all screwed up as to what the day feels like.  Last night the stress finally caught up with me.  I fell asleep around 10 and woke up around 4:30am.  I looked at my computer and thought about it but one of my cats made a noise at me and I took it to mean, "Go back to bed."  I went to the hospital today.  My dad looks like crap but he is in better shape.  He may get to come home tomorrow.  OK, here goes.  Be warned, contains nudity, lame joke attempts, and bottom of the barrel celebrities...we're talking those on the R-List.

Remember when this guy was one of the top musical acts in the world?  Don't recognize him?  That's Wyclef Jean.  He has been trying to build a house in Miami since 2004 but he now owes $2.5million and he refuses to pay so the bank has begun foreclosure proceedings.  The construction of this house reads like the script to one of the only enjoyable Tom Hanks movies, The Money Pit.  Nothing went right for Wyclef.  Wow, the economy really sucks when rap stars have their houses go into foreclosure.  In other news, I had grilled cheese for Thanksgiving dinner and peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving supper.

Whitney Houston has defied all logic and is reportedly back with Bobby Brown, the man who beat her and got her hooked on drugs.  I guess like a moth is attracted to the flame, the ho goes back to her pimp.  In Whitney's defense, she probably couldn't find anyone else to dig out her doody bubbles.  If you don't know, it's graphic.  See, people on certain illegal drugs get quite constipated and apparently it is hard to pass gas.  Bobby would insert fingers into Whitney's doodoo chute to help her fart.  Sometimes the truth hurts and so does true love.

While the rest of us are in this economic crisis, it is sickening to see those Hollywood types like Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter, rubbing it our faces with their fancy clothes.  He's wearing Crocs.

Now that TRL is finished, Carson Daly has time for other pursuits.  He and his girlfriend are expecting their first child.  Surprise!  He does have a penis.  I'm shocked that it is functioning and didn't shrivel up and fall off while he was dating Tara Reid.

Being totally jealous of her ex, Carson Daly, Tara Reid announced that she wants to have a baby.  I'm just curious if that is physically possible for someone who is gangraped by Captain Morgan, Jack Daniels, and Jose Cuervo on a daily basis.

Oh, Tara, if you want to be a mother, you may need a functioning nipple and I don't think that will cut it.  After all these years, the evidence of a botched boob job still makes it to my blog.

I rarely question physics because the ultra conservative college where I attended taught me that science was of the devil, but I will in this case.  How does that shirt hold in Tila Tequila's chest?  They look so fake especially for someone who is only two inches taller than Tinkerbell.  Also, Tila doesn't plan on doing anymore reality dating shows.  Former contestants from her show are entering the world of Fauxmosexual reality dating.  The twin girls, can't remember their names, will have their own bisexual dating show.  Oh and Daisy from Rock of Love is getting a bisexual dating show.  Hmmm, maybe Woody Allen was on to something when he said the perks of being bi were that it doubled your chances of getting lucky.

UHOH, someone's getting fired for spelling Ashlee's name wrong.  That is my first reaction and then I see that Reese Witherspoon headline.  So she likes cowgirl does she?  Well, Reese Witherspoon is back on top in my list.

In Pink's new music video for a song called Sober she simulates a sex scene with herself.  She says it is supposed to demonstrate the greatest love of all.  That isn't the reason.  Someone told her to go fuck herself so she obliged.

Pete Wentz was on Ryan Seacrest's radio show this week and described how he and Ashlee came up with the name Bronx Mowgli.  They picked Bronx because they, "like totally thought it would be like a totally cool name".  Mowgli comes from the movie, Jungle Book, which was the first thing that he and Ashlee "bonded" over.  I guess if that is how a couple goes about naming a child, one of my exes and I would have had a child named Vodka Arby's Bronco Berry Sauce.  That name is like totally cool.

Supposedly Paris Hilton and Benji Madden didn't break up but it was just Paris testing his heart.  That is a tough choice for Benji.  Do you go out and bang hundred of drunk chicks that simply want you because you did Paris or be forced to fake orgasms with Paris Hilton because she's as gaping as a large size Folger's coffee can?  That is a tough choice.

Here we see Paris carrying a self-help book.  It's called "Living in the Moment".  Didn't living in the moment get Paris in trouble a while back?  I hear Paris is going to write a self help book.  It is tentatively titled, "Shove a Lamp up Your Ass, Dance an Irish Jig with Your Panties on Your Head, Film It and Get Famous".  Oh yeah, that will be a best seller.

Paris Hilton was photographed walking around Hollywood wearing bondage gear this week.  I have learned not to question her actions.  The only question I would ask is, why WOULDN'T Paris Hilton be walking around Hollywood in bondage gear?

This photo of Pam Anderson was taken last Sunday when she was out doing the laundry.  Remember when she was spank material?  A fellow football player had photos of her in his football locker.  We would gather around before practice for inspiration.  I TACKLE IN THE NAME OF PAM AND SILICON!  Right now, I don't think I'd tap her with your junk.  Behold the ravages of Kid Rock and Tommy Lee and Hepatitis C...hey that rhymes, my poetic side is bursting through.

Olivia Munn should have been a Bond girl.  Why do I enjoy her so much?  Oh yeah, pleather!

An exboyfriend of Natalie Portman gave us a rare glimpse into her personal life.  He said that she doesn't understand the concept of celibacy and that she rarely goes 12 hours without sex.  Just under that prim and proper exterior is a wanton girl who can't live without sex.  Really, who can?  Oh yeah, nuns and apparently myself.  Damn.  I think one of the most erotic movies I have ever seen was the short film, Hotel Chevalier.  It can be viewed on the Darjeeling Limited DVD.  It is worth it plus it is a Wes Anderson movie.

A Houston law firm is paying Miley Cyrus $500,000 to perform at their Christmas party.  My last Christmas party, well Jagermeister and cleaning ladies can be a hazardous combination.  $500k to sing at a Christmas party, WHAT RECESSION?

I have it on good sources that Melanie Griffith is being cast to take over Heath Ledger's role as The Joker.  Actually I just made that up but damn, look at that face.  She could be a stunt double for Jack Nicholoson's Joker.  I think her face is permanently stuck like that because of all the plastic surgery.  You can't tell what is going on with her.  Is she being chased by an axe murderer or did she just enjoy a tour at a cotton candy factory?  We can't tell.  Maybe she will have to get surgery for when she has to play a role where her character has to be sad.

Public urination?  But Marky Mark Wahlberg is a Christian.  I don't know why I associate public urination or defecation with being un-Christian.  I think it has something to do with the anal retentiveness with the majority of my teachers over the year.  Anyway, Marky, when you shake it off twice because anything more than twice is playing with it, go say hi to your momma for me.

Forcing someone to study a religion doesn't work, ask the Jews in Spain, the Native Americans of the Midwest, and Alex Rodriguez.  As much as I detest the Yankees, I feel sorry for that guy.  Madonna has forced him to study Kaballah.  He finds it completely boring and has been skipping the classes and drinking the special Kaballah water.  Look at Madonna, she looks like she is ready to tear him in two. In other Yankee news, an unidentified third baseman was found by police cowering in a corner babbling, "Must love Kaballah, must love Kaballah, must love Kaballah."
 
Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson were spotted on security camera making out.  You know what this means?  They love displaying their affection for each other on camera and the sex tape will be coming soon.  Oh and Lindsay was also caught making herself a Red Bull and vodka.  Didn't she go to rehab for excessive drinking?  Oh well.

Linda Hogan is suing Hulk Hogan for more alimony.  Apparently $40,000 a month doesn't completely cover the cost of hair dyes, spray tans, and saline replacements.  Hulk also has to pay for Linda's boyfriend to go to nautical school.  Charlie wasn't to learn how to catch crabs.  Charlie, if you want to learn how to catch crabs, here's a hint: put your face between Linda's legs.

That is Kristen Stewart of the new Twilight movie.  She is just celebrating how high Twilight is on the box office charts.  See what I did there?  Oh and she's waiting for a pizza....and Chinese....and FUNYUNS!  Yeah, Funyuns!

Joey Fatone, former Backstreet Boy and host of NBC's Music Bee, was the master of ceremonies for the opening and is also part owner of a Charmin Deluxe Public Restroom in New York City.  Here we see Joey showing off the inside of this luxurious crapper.  Wow, his career is literally in the toilet.

True story:  this week Jessica Simpson went to a Nike Town.  She went up to a sales clerk and asked where the ADIDAS pants were.  Maybe you don't have a Nike Town near you but they only sell Nike merchandise.  You know, her spokespeople claimed that her thinking tuna was chicken was actually a stunt and that Jessica is smart.  Bullshit!  Calling her retarded is demeaning to the mentally challenged.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt got married in Mexico last weekend.  The legality of the marriage depends on the passing of Prop 88 which forbids douchebags from marrying.  I hope it passes.  Actually I don't have to worry, rumors are that the "wedding" was staged and that they couldn't obtain a marriage license because they weren't Mexican citizens.  What douchebaggery!

Besides airing non-stop footage of the terrorist attacks in Mumbai, CNN also aired a program called Heroes.  Here was see Eliza Dushku being ogled.  I have told my dad thousands of times that he needs to harness in his leering and be more subtle.  Parents will never learn.  Oh speaking of CNN, does anyone know what happened to Richard "Dick" Quest who got arrested on a quest for dick?

Remember when Claudia Schiffer was spank material?  David Copperfield is a magician after all, but one that practices black magic.  He made all her looks and youth disappear.

Brooke Burk won Dancing with the Has Beens.  She celebrated by finally naming her son who was born in March.  She named him Shaya Braven.  Well, that is better than his older sister's name, Heaven Rain. Instead of tango lessons, she should have taken child naming lessons.

The Boy George trial is officially under way.  He is facing life in prison for kidnapping and false imprisonment.  I'm not a lawyer so I don't understand all the charges he faces.  It all happened when he bought a hooker to have sex with and then he chained the guy up to his radiator in his apartment.  He might face being locked up in prison...karma?  karma? karma? chameleon....you had to know I was going there.  What other Boy George material can a guy have?

Sasha has a fierce camel toe going on there but you can't see it because of the black suit.  I just know she has it going on because I have a sixth sense for that type of thing.  Beyonce needs to lose that spandex, and the whole Sasha Fierce persona and Jay-Z and then maybe we can talk.

Aubrey O'Day is going to be posing in Playboy.  That isn't one of the pictures, that is just her out on an average Saturday night.  Of course Playboy is the next move, her idol is Jenna Jameson and Aubrey was kicked out of her singing group Danity Kane, from the MTV show Making the Band, for being a whore.  Playboy seems to be the next logical step and then she'll be bending over a table while 500 guys in Phantom of the Opera masks wait their turn.

It's been a while but Guess the Ass.  This ass is new on the scene.  She is the new 90210.  It's Annalynne McCord.  Here's hoping we see more of her soon. 

I didn't expect it to be so soon but eating a donut like that will definitely get exposure on my blog, Annalynne.  Next up you better start eating ice cream cones or kissing girls on the street.

My god!  What luck!  Annalynne is probably just following the trend of getting us pervs(read: men) excited, if not then expect hair tossing, leather, fresh produce, fist bumps, bowling pins, and missing aluminum bats to be in the next Annalynne photos or at least that is what some of my movies would have me believe.

Amy Winehouse was admitted to the hospital after having another bad reaction to her medicine.  Contrary to popular belief she wasn't consuming an inhuman amount of hash.  I think three medicines put her in the hospital: meth, heroin, and ecstasy.  A spokesperson said that Amy is currently under ongoing treatment which means she is freebasing all her meals.  I think Amy is trying to break her addiction the old fashioned way:  overdose.

NO way that is Britney Spears.  Inside she talks about how her sons are learning to speak and that one of their first words has been fuck.  That is great parenting.  You know they learn from example, don't you, you dolt.  When I was that age I was learning words like apple and tree.  Not fuck and shit and cock and bitch and meth.  Oh I may jut have to go get that issue.  I also am curious about green sex toys.

Well that is all for this week.  Hopefully, I'll be around for more next week.  I hope everyone is having a good weekend.