Fun day today.  I got up early and went out to my cousin's farm.  They are preparing for the opening day of deer hunting.  I took up some beer and ammo.  I went out in the field with a cousin and we sat around watching for the dreaded Amish scourge.  See, what they do is the day before the opening of the deer hunt is that they go and shoot as many deer as they can get.  They also do not respect other people's property and have been known to wander into my cousin's fields.  So there we sat in single digit temperatures.  Plenty of shots were fired and we saw many deer running through the forest but no Amish.  Guess it was good for them seeing I was "strapped".  I had my 12 gauge and my 357 so no Amish would mess with me.  Then I came home and did some work and got my bets set for this weekend.  Then I ate at a bar for supper and came home and passed out.  I was beat.  I woke up because my phone was beeping.  Now here I am for your pleasure...well my jokes and no other way.

Someone over at imdb really messed up Zac Effron's filmography, they changed it back to actor.  You know, I always thought he was rather effeminate.

Film critics have been treated to screenings of the comedy of the year for 2009, Tom Cruise's "Valkyrie".  It is getting horrible reviews.  Some critics have actually described the movie as a comedy simply because of Tom Cruise.  He has a German accent only in the opening scene and the rest of the movie he speaks in his normal voice while everyone else speaks with a German accent.  Also one reviewer took notice of Tom's "brilliant" acting.  His character is behind a plot to assassinate Hitler and Tom has to do the "Heil Hitler" and before he does it he looks from side to side sort of like the old cartoons.  The reviewer said that when Tom did sy "Heil Hitler" that it was the most uncomfortable feeling he has ever had in all of the years he's been reviewing films.  Seeing this film has been repeatedly delayed, I am thinking it will have horrible repercussions for Cruise's career.  Either way, John Travolta and Will Smith better start lubing up now because Tom is going to need a lot of consoling. 

In other Tom Cruise news(hey that rhymes) he and Katie Holmes have been "married" for two years.  On the day of their anniversary, Tom was shouting to paparazzi, "We've proved everyone wrong."  No you haven't Tom, we still think you are gay.

Forbes.com issued a list this week of the 10 most powerful children in Hollywood.  Suri Cruise was number one as the "hottest tot".  Maybe they are referring to her being hot meaning that she has a lot of fevers.  I hope it doesn't mean anything else.  I think Suri is telling us what she thinks of this list.  I can't wait for Forbes list of Hollywood's hottest sperm and eggs.

Tara Reid fired her manager this week because she claimed he wasn't helping her advance her career.  Um...what career?  Does getting drunk at bars count as a career?  She will sorely miss this manager.  He would call up hotels and get her free rooms all the time.  Now she is going to have to go the Paris Hilton way of getting a free hotel room by sleeping with random guests.

Damn!  I knew it was too good to be true.  Stephen Baldwin claims that he was making a joke when he said that he would move to Canada if Obama were elected.  I am not joking about this when I say I know where he can shove that toothbrush.  He then went one to say that if all 50 states were to legalize gay marriage, he would get a Billy Ray Cyrus tattoo on his ass.  Let's get off our asses, America.  Stevie needs him a new tattoo.

Another week of Guess the Ass.  This ass belongs to the woman with the longest legs to have ever graced the WWF.  I think she also was a contestant on Dancing with the Stars.  The final clue: she makes me say, "huminah huminah huminah."  Stacy Kiebler.

This is Shoshanna Lonstein.  Many years ago, during the last couple of seasons of Seinfeld, she dated Jerry Seinfeld.  Of course she was only 17 at the time.  This is her today.  Why didn't Jerry ever get charged for being with a 17 year old girl?  Apparently California has a double d exception to its statutory rape laws.
 
These photos are from earlier this week when Sarah Palin was in Florida for the Republican Governors of America meetings.  She is making a case for the 2012 presidential race by showing off those sexy legs.  Personally, I don't like it when a qualified woman is reduced to being a sex object but it's Sarah Palin and just like her bid for vice president, she isn't qualified.

Being a millionaire rules.  Russell Simmons can go up to random women and pull off their bikini tops just to look at their breasts.  So you are asking who is Russell Simmons and how did he get so much money to look at random beach breasts?  Well he was the star of Steven Spielberg's greatest movie, E.T.

This week a paparazzo caught Prince William taking a leak during a a timeout in a soccer match.  Now we see why they call him Prince Willy and get a glimpse of the royal scepter.  I do feel bad that those royal kids are followed by cameras everywhere they go but then I think of the untold riches they possess and I don't feel so bad.

In an interview this week, Prince stated that he hated the notion of gay marriage.  He talked about how he is now a Jehovah's Witness and he believes that at one time in the Bible people were sticking their things everywhere they pleased and God came down and wiped them out.  He also said he enjoys knocking on people's doors.  That would be so creepy to see that little man show up at my door.  I'm like a foot taller than him.  Too bad he no longer lives in Minnesota because then I would be expecting a visit.  Oh and here's a hint: never slam the door in the face of a Jehovah's Witness.  They think that will get them a better place in Heaven.  Prince also described his conversion like an awakening sort of like in The Matrix.  Oh yeah, that will get people to convert.

This week Pete Wentz said he did not know where a vagina was located.  He was thinking it was near the belly button.  Come on, are you serious?  It's not like the one Star Trek where they say the one alien race has their genitals on their knees.  He should just pick up a Hustler.  God bless you, Larry Flynt!

This week a crazed fan/stalker and former American Idol contestant committed suicide in front of Paula Abdul's house.  Now Paula believes her house is haunted because she is seeing spirits.  Seriously, the only spirits that Paula sees is the daily bottle of vodka she uses on her cereal.

Paris Hilton and Benji Madden broke up.  Oh boo-fucking-hoo.  She said he was too controlling.  What he didn't let her have the daily gang bangs?  Don't worry, Paris has about a dozen rebound dicks everywhere.  Oh Benji, you probably want to boil your genitals in water for at least ten minutes.  That may get rid of the Paris strain of stds.

Pam Anderson recently blogged that President Elect Obama's first course of action should be that he legalize marijuana because it would help fix the economy and create many new jobs and would be good for the environment.  What about the drug dealers, Pam?  If it were legalized they would be out of jobs.  How is marijuana good for the environment?  If it were legalized there would be so much smoke and that would deplete the ozone layer.  I think Obama's first course of action she be to ban silicon and Pam Anderson or at last send the ATF to raid her house.

In other Pam Anderson news, an uncensored video from the Girls Next Door show has surfaced.  She served Hef a drink for his 82nd birthday in the nude.  Hef looks sort of embarrassed.  It must be because he is trying to find the nearest Viagra because not everything is working properly.  It could also be that like me, he doesn't find sagging silicon to be that attractive.

Someone hacked Miley Cyrus' myspace this week and posted a message saying that she was killed by a drunk driver.  I bought front row tickets to one of her concerts and I even bedazzled a t-shirt that says "Age is only a number, never too old to heart Miley".  Man, I would be a total loser if they canceled that show.

Billy Ray has finally said that he doesn't want Miley dating a 20 year old underwear model and he has also figured out that the guy is only dating Miley to advance his career....as a statutory rapist.  Miley isn't pleased and said that Billy better leave her alone "or else".  The dreaded "or else".  If I was Billy I'd be shaking in my cowboy boots and mullet because she pays his mortage and his car payments and basically everything else.  Hey, Billy, good luck planning the baby shower.

Linday Lohan was antiqued at the opening of a nightclub in Paris earlier this week.  Supposedly it was because she was wearing a fur coat.  The owner came out with a vacuum and cleaned her off.  It would have went faster if he told her that it was booger sugar.  Then we'd see the snorting power that Lindsay is so famous for.

There is trouble in lesbian paradise.  At the nightclub, Lindsay wanted to dance with one of her ex-boyfriends.  Sam became livid.  I am feeling sorry for Lindsay.  She is acting like me when I go to Dairy Queen.  I can never choose between the Pumpkin Pie Blizzard or the Cookie Dough Blizzard.  In Lindsay's case she is stuck choosing between a hot dog or a taco.  I really don't think this will end well unless they overturn Prop 8.  Sam and Lindsay have also entered couple's counseling.  The doctor prescribe dick for Lindsay, the "maybe bisexual". 

Kim Kardashian went to the beach this week and she didn't annoy the crap out of me.  I am getting mellow in my old age.  I do wonder what you could fit in that ass crack.  A pocket dictionary?  A set of keys?  A Prius?  How about all three?

Katy Perry, you seem to have a lollipop stuck in your cleavage.  Just hold still while I remove it with my teeth. 

Model Karolina Kurkova proved this week that she isn't human.  She has no belly button.  The alien invasion has begun and they are oh so sexy.  I am so conflicted.

Here is one of the first shots of Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter in Tim Burton's adaptation of Alice in Wonderland.  He looks almost like what I expected but less like Helena Bonham Carter.

This is Joanie Laurer best known as Chyna in the WWF.  Oh and she was known as Joanie Laurer in The Surreal Life and Surreal Life Fame Games and Celebrity Rehab.  Why do people insist she looks like a man?  I find her beautiful.  Watch her movie, "One Night in Chyna" and then you will see that she is all woman.

Jessica Simpson's lips are out of control.  Soon they will overtake her entire face.  I wonder if you press her face against a window if it will stick.

The Jessica Simpson world tour promoting her new cuntry album made a stop at a bingo hall.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! She has been reduced to playing small casinos.  I am thinking my Ho-Chunk is too large a venue.  I hear next week she'll be playing at the Arby's parking lot in Tomah, Wisconsin to help raise money for the Tomah wrestling cheerleaders.  Jessica, you're a joke.  Please quit now.

Hugh Jackman was voted sexiest man alive by People magazine.  I don't see the big deal with this guy and how women's jaws drop around him.  Women's jaws drop for me too but then they act like they have never seen a guy who wears mesh tank tops and spandex biker shorts in public.

Henry Winkler and Steve Guttenberg were hired to do pantomime for a family friendly pre-holiday gala.  Seeing as it is Henry Winkler and Steve Guttenber...anything for a paycheck, right guys?  I'm surprised Winkler hasn't tried to pawn the Fonzie statue in Milwaukee, site of the greatest Wisconsin documentaries Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley, Step by Step(ok suburbs) and That 70s Show(I was always confused with the geography of that show ask me why and I'll shoot you and email).

Madonna will soon rip Gwenyth Paltrow in two because Gwenyth is trying to steal the guy that Madonna stole, Alex Rodriguez.  Gwenyth is married to Chris Martin of Coldplay.  She is telling people that she wants to break up with him.  Then the other members of Coldplay are talking about splitting up the band.  It is all a mess.  Oh, I'm not a fashion expert but that isn't a good dress.

Ladies, Guy Ritchie is now single and ready to mingle.  The divorce was finalized today and Guy gets to keep his pub and country estate in Britain and Madonna is forced to pay him $50million in palimony.  I hope that somewhere in the settlement, Madonna is forced to give up her British accent.

What is up with George Clooney's new moustache?  He sort of looks like Hitler.  This is a photo on the set of his new movie, Men Who Stare at Goats.  Don't believe me, click the link.  I hear the movie is actually about Scottish debauchery.  If you say that is unfair and mean to the Scottish people, chill out.  I am part Scottish and I know what clansmen over there do with sheep and goats.

Here's a sign that the economy is even hurting the celebrities.  Christina Aguilera and Martha Stewart were at a recent party and they were drinking $35,000 snifters of cognac.  Yes, that's $35,000 per glass.  I feel so bad that they weren't able to afford teh $75,000 per glass cognac.  Well all need to work extra hard so that our celebrities will be able to experience the finer things in life.

Chloe Sevigny went to the beach this week.  You know it wasn't too shocking to see her in a bikini.  I enjoy the photo but it sort of loses its significance after see her give a bj to her boyfriend at the time, Vincent Gallo, in the movie Brown Bunny.  I still enjoy her work.  She plays a darn good Mormon wife in Big Love and she also has the alternate chic down from her role in Kids.

Bjork turned 43 this week.  I enjoy her work.  She and the polar bear have been together for three years now and are trying to have children. 

Here's a little something for the ladies.  Stop, get the paper bag.  I don't need any of you fainting on me.  Guess the ass.  This guy is known for being a prankster and falling prey to cougars.    It's Ashton Kutcher.

Anthony Kiedis' book Scar Tissue is going to be turned into a series on HBO.  If you never read his book then the show will be an f'ed up treat for you.  Especially if they have his father taking him to drug scores when he was a child.  Scar Tissue has actually made some lists as one of the best books of the past decade.  The show should be quite the experience.  If you don't know who Kiedis is, check out the Red Hot Chili Peppers. He is the lead singer and writes most of their songs.

This is Jessica and Ashlee Simpson B.S.(before surgery).  I thought this was a funny picture and I was going to moan that it seems like she has been pregnant forever sort of like a real life Family Guy gag but...

Ashlee gave birth to a baby boy this morning after doctors induced labor.  The baby's name is probably going to be the most talked about and criticized name ever.  Bronx Mowgli Wentz...WTF!  They probably named him after what city he was conceived in plus their favorite Disney character.  I also hear they are going to raise their child to be emo. To accomplis this, they plan on telling Bronx every day that he is adopted or that he is adopted.  They did plan on making him emo by threatening to drop him off in Nebraska but they have put an age limit on their safe haven law.

Wow, Angelina Jolie looks so fake. I think she needs to invest in some Stridex.

Amy Winehouse's beehive has returned in wig form.  I am wondering how fast that wig will come off when she is surrounded by paparazzi.  It's going to be just like Jerry Springer where every woman loses her wig within fifteen seconds of coming on stage.

Britney Spears is telling friends that she feels like she is prison since her dad has been made her legal overseer.  Hmmm before her dad was made her overseer she was receiving dildos in the mail at an alarming rate, talking with a fake British accent, attacking cars with umbrellas, shaving her head, and holding her kids hostage while she overdosed on drugs.  What's next if Papa Spears isn't her overseer?  Funneling money to Al Qaeda, hot air ballon travel, dropping ballons filled with hydrochloric acid from the hot air ballons, sextape productions, forcing kids to do drugs...yeah I am happy her dad has been made overseer.

This is a promo poster for Britney's new album "Circus".  Looks like Britney has learned how to use Photoshop.  I don't think Britney has looked that good since she was 18.  I am so anxious for the documentary called "On the Record" which was filmed during her "crazy" period.  From previews it looks more demonic than The Exorcist.

Once again ladies,  that's Hugh Jackman, People Magazine's sexiest man of the year.

Wow, 2AM, my neighbors are packing up to go hunting.  I won't be going or so it appears.  Oh well I'll stay warm by watching the Badgers.  I think the casino is having a Deer Hunt Widows night so maybe I will hit check out the casino tomorrow evening.

I think they are my neighbors who had the Red Carpet Runway party for the premiere of High School Musical 2.  Acutally that is how I acted when my Green and Gold lost to the Giants last year and also when they lost to the Broncos in the Super Bowl a few years back.  Oh and that is how I act every time the Badgers lose.

DAMN, someone found it!

Have you ever been to a movie and in the opening credits the phrase "Based on a True Story" appears?  Well here are 7 movies based on true stories but the movies were complete bullshit.  Et tu, Rudy?  I also love how 21 was probably the biggest whitewash in Hollywood history.

One of my favorite type of commercial is the Public Service Announcements.  For instance the classic: "This is your brain.  This is your brain on drugs."  Here are some unsettling PSAs from around the world.  I have seen the one entitled Homosexual Scourge before this list was made.  Some of those old time sex ed videos are so scary.  I would have been such a confused teenager sitting in any sex ed class especially if we had to watch this.

While I am on the topic of sex, here are some sex myths explained with science.  Is it any wonder that Christians want to get rid of science from public schools.  Scientists study...gasp...sex!

The Isthmus, a newspaper in Madison, has an article about the strangest food ever conceived by mankind.  It's called lutefisk.  No way in hell do you want to get downwind of that crap.  How the hell do the Scandanavians think that it would be smart to dump lye on to fish and then eat it.  I can't get that smell out of my head.

A funny ID picture turned into a manhunt.  God, I wish I had my student id from my senior year.  The photographer wasn't too concerned about how we smiled since the yearbook had our senior pics.  A couple friends and I vied for the title of most insane picture.  My photo of a constipated person straining or Bruce Banner turning into the Hulk wasn't the winner.  I have to track that down.

Remember those old collectible sports figurines called Starting Lineup?  Well here is a quiz to test your ability at identifying the Starting Lineup athlete being portrayed.  I only post this because this week I found a box in my attic containing some of my old Starting Lineup figures: Paul Molitor, B.J. Surhoff, Teddy Higuera, Hershel Walker, Magic Johnson, Lou Gehrig, John Kruk, and Roger Clemens still in the original packaging.  Teddy Higuera is the best.

A few weeks ago I posted a link to some horrible Olan Mills family portraits.  Well here are some more.

I think this is the saddest news story I have ever read.  I think AA is in the future for that family.

In the past, I have posted links to sites that involved chaos in the microwave.  Here is another video of a kid causing a microwave to explode but don't worry, no food was wasted.

Do you have a family member that is near impossible to shop for?  Is that family member bald?  Do you want to make them look like a douche bag?  Well buy them this hair flair.

I know this made the run over at the theologianscafe however I thought it was good enough to post a link to the actual discussion forum.  That is really sad.   I can't think of anything I have lied about...oh yeah, a neighbor and I, while in 5th grade, decided it would be cool to cut down a tree.  We got a hand saw and started sawing one of his parents maple trees.  His mom came home and started screaming.  I said, "I think my mom is calling me."(two blocks away...she could yell that loud).

Want to know what Bill O'Reilly is reading this Christmas season?  Well, you can read the books on his reading list but hopefully you won't turn into a hate monger.

Here is a collection of videos that answers the question: can the musicians who wrote the songs for Guitar Hero, actually play them on Guitar Hero?

According to this quiz, my cats are plotting to kill me.

Well that is all for tonight. 

Some time ago I did a regular Thursday post that featured some tattoos that I thought were for lack of a better word...horrible.  If you have tattoos, don't think that I hate you because of your artwork.  I don't mind tattoos.  I just hate the ridiculous ones.  Also, there may be a bit of envy in my posting about tattoos seeing as I am allergic to the ink that is used.  Well here goes:

It was bound to happen.  I wish I knew the blogger that got this one done and ask if they still blog.  OK so it isn't terrible.  I just find it funny to get a website tattooed on your body.  If I wasn't allergic, I'd probably get an Ichabod, the Glory has Departed tattoo.

Zombie Christ will forgive your sins and then eat your brains.

Those two look nothing alike.  I think the tattoo makes the little girl look rather boyish. 

They sort of look like some engagement photos I've seen.

I never knew someone could enjoy The Three Stooges that much...

Which is more creepy:  The Star Trek tattoo or how excited Sulu is.

Unfuckwithable?????  That is something I would have tattooed on myself when I was 14.

Two words:  BAD ASS!!!!  Whoa, Patton Oswalt made a guest appearance on my blog.

Titty Twister....get it?

I think these are the Veggie Tales I want to learn about.

I asked myself almost two years ago if I could one day find a Barack Obama tattoo on the internet and YES I CAN!

So having a Bible chapter tattooed for a tramp stamp is....I don't know.  I couldn't imagine reading the Bible while doing the deed.  At least 1st Corinthians 13 is about love...not the dirty kinky kind but it is about love.

Well I hope you enjoyed.  I have my link post to make.

So how was your day?  Mine?  I had an interesting occurrence.  I was in the hall and something set me off.  The smell it made me so nauseous.  I was starting my breathing to avoid puking.  I made it to the bathroom and let loose.  It was my stomach bile.  Neon yellow liquid coming out of my mouth and stinging the interior of my mouth.  It left a horrible taste.  After about bringing it up for what seemed like hours, I felt better.  I cleaned up and wiped off the sweat.  I sweat when I vomit, it's that intense.  I go in the hallway and the smell hits me...round 2.  The good thing with emitting bile is that I haven't had any stomach pains this evening.  Sorry that was a bit disgusting.  Anyway not much else happened. 

This is for the new She-Hulk collector out there.  It reminds me of an old satirical talk show called "Night Stand with Dick Dietrich"  You know how all the talk shows ask questions before they go to commercial or before they come back, like for instance Maury "Do you have a teenage daughter that does drugs and has sex?  If so call the Maury Show."  Well the Night Stand one that I remember most fits here..."Do you have large breasts?  Do you like to jump rope?  Then contact Dick Dietrich."

Too bad he can't fight crime from sundown on Fridays until sundown on Saturdays.  I think his weakness is non-kosher food. 

Why, that is an excellent question.

I think Batman and Robin's relationship can best be described as "orgasmic".

Apparently, Batman hates when men eat ice cream cones just as much as I do.

"The Boy Who Wanted Robin for Christmas"?  Didn't Batman get jealous?

Well, it's nice to know that Batman isn't into S&M.

For all the jokes I make about Batman, sometimes he is such a badass.

I hope Batman is teaching Robin how to tie a bow-tie.

That is an interesting attack strategy, Robin.

Just when you thought that Robin couldn't get any stranger....

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!  Please say that is glue...PLEASE SAY THAT IS GLUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I hope you enjoyed.  Tomorrow I am going to do a different post.

Tonight I watched The Shield.  I was blown away.  It is hard to believe it is finally wrapping up and there is only one episode left.  I couldn't believe this week's episode.  I can't give away the spoilers because I know of a few Shield fans that read this blog and I am always unsure when they watch the episode.  One more episode, next Tuesday...I think I'm taking my phones of the hook so I won't be disturbed.

Today was also sort of interesting to see that my last post made it to the top blog feature of xanga.  I was scared when I went through my footprints.  A few people came through Revelife to see my post.  At first I was thinking that somehow the post was featured on Revelife.  That is my mom coming through in me.  Anyway it made for an interesting few minutes and tingly feelings up and down my spine.

I finished Dexter in the Dark this morning.  I am hoping they bring that storyline to the tv show.  It's not every day we get to see a storyline involving one of the ancient "evil" gods of the Old Testament.  I was really getting into the book and couldn't believe that Moloch was used.  I wonder if people still worship Moloch today.  It would be difficult seeing that one of the major tennets of Moloch worship involved child sacrifice. 

Well time to motivate myself to write some entries that get on that top blog feature once again, stay alive so I can see The Shield finale, and try to do some research on Moloch (all the religions I have researched, I might have an interesting series on my hands).  Oh and it is getting to be lutefisk season.  I need strength to stay away from that vile substance.

That Youth Ministry one...well some of you know my background...I had to supervise a youth lock-in.  My goodness...they piled on each other like that and then they got up and tried to find secluded places in the church.  It was so much fun busting teenagers making out next to the church altar.

I am going to update the porn post with some new observations.

I was going to write yesterday but things didn't work out that way.  I ate lunch with my parents and afterwords I decided to lay down and watch some football.  Stupid idea.  I was out.  I slept hard.  No one bothered waking me up either.  I think I laid down at about 1pm and then at about 4:30 my mom gets a phone call from an elderly neighbor.  The neighbor said that she was seeing orange smoke coming out of the chimney.  My mom freaked out and was running around frantically.  I sat up and looked at the hallway to the upstairs and noticed it was extremely orange.  I was thinking the roof was on fire but there was no smoke.  I then look outside and notice that the sun is setting and making a peculiar orange color.  My mom goes out and looks up at the chimney and does see a little smoke coming out so she runs around screaming about the house being on fire.  I told her to shut up...yes, shut up because I was worried she was going to give herself a heart attack.  She asks if she should call the fire department and I said, "No, the old lady probably got confused and saw smoke mixed with the sunset."  My mom yells, "But the furnace isn't running."  She calls my dad at work and is screaming about who to call for help.  He tells her the name of a furnace guy and also to call the fire department chief.  My mom then starts dialing numbers.  Of course she never hung up.  She then is screaming that the fire has taken out the phone lines.  GOD...how she has worked in an emergency room as a nurse for 30+ years amazes me.  I instruct her on proper phone operation and she gets no answer from the furnace guy.  In the meantime I go to the basement and there is no burning or smoke.  I then realize my parents have forced air and it doesn't come out the chimney but a vent on the side of the house.  This old lady was so confused.  Well the fire chief shows up and he and I go downstairs and I tell him what this lady said and he said how twice this past fall they got called out for fires and when they got there it was just how the sun was shining on the house.  He stuck his head and hands in and looked around the chimney and saw no burning.  He then looked at the chimney and said that the water heater is hooked up with the chimney and it must have kicked on and had been pushing out steam and mixed with the sunset it made the old lady think our house was on fire.  The chief then explained everything to my mom.  She said how she felt dumb and he said well it happens to everyone.  He left and my mom still believed the old lady.  I called her up and explained what the fire chief had explained.
"OH NO!  There were flames shooting out at least 10 feet."
"Well we checked everything out and there was no smoke or burning."
"My husband says a bird could have nested in there and that burned."
"But there wasn't any contact with burning or open.  Plus there is no creosote in the chimney seeing it isn't hooked up to the furnace and there wasn't any smoke in the basement.  It was steam from the water heater mixed with the sunset."
"OH NO!  It was fire!"
"OK whatever, thanks for looking out for us."(I am such a dick)

I told my mom that she needed to calm down before her heart exploded and then start thinking rationally.  We were at my grandmother's house something like 20 years ago when they had a chimney fire.  You could hear it blazing.  I also said that we haven't seen the sun for some time so the little old lady and her husband who are in their upper 80s probably got really confused.
"Well when someone calls and says your house is on fire you don't think about a sunset."
True but you think rationally and think before you go rushing around frantically thinking your world is collapsing.

So last night I was keyed up and didn't really get to write anything other than responses to comments.  I went to bed really early for me.  11PM, woke up at 3:45AM, came on here and did some reading, woke up at 7, felt like crap and went back to sleep, woke up at 10 because one of my cats has decided to try out for the Olympic gymnastics team and has been practicing her floor routine on my back and stomach.  I moped around all day and debated whether or not I should see a doctor.  I ate some lunch and laid down.  Fell asleep and woke up at 2pm.  Thought to myself how I needed to get things done and the next thing I know it is 4pm.  I finally feel caught up on sleep.

I was going to do a post about Warren Zevon.  I love his music.  He was such a phenomenal songwriter.  His last album, The Wind, is probably my favorite.  It is his last will and testament.  Shortly before he began writing the songs for this album, Zevon was diagnosed with mesothelioma, a form of cancer due to asbestos exposure.  He believed the cancer to be terminal but he plugged away for a year and saw the birth of his twin grandsons and the release of The Wind.  He also told people that he wanted to see the next James Bond movie before he died which he did and it ws ironically titled Die Another Day.  This is the last song on the album and is called Keep Me in Your Heart.

This song really moved me when I first heard it.  This summer I went through some heavy health problems.  In fact I am still battling a mystery illness.  If you want to get an understanding of pain I am going through, imagine the biggest and strongest person that you know punching you repeatedly in the stomach and lungs.  Then on top of that have a mysterious loss of blood from your body and not having enough of certain nutrients and vitamins in your system.  Also having an elevated white blood cell count which baffles the doctors because it is contradictory with my other problems.  I've seen cancer specialists, blood specialists, and then other doctors.  I've had ultrasounds, I had a camera snaked down my throat into my stomach(a procedure for which I was supposed to be under but I was awake for and got to see my insides on a tv screen), I've had countless blood tests, I've had stuff stuck up my ass...NOTHING! Oh and then in and out of the hospital with lung infections and pneumonia.  I planned out my funeral.  Keep Me in Your Heart is the last song I want played.  I'm not trying to be morbid but I just like having everything planned out.  OK, I'm weird.  I'll be back tomorrow with a motivational update.

Normally on Thursdays I do an entry featuring random websites that I have found throughout the week.  Well I have had bad luck with craigslist entries because they always seem to be taken down by the time I get to posting them but not tonight.  I am finally seeing straight so I am doing a cut and paste.
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/182862349.html

DO NOT EAT PRINGLES FAT FREE POTATO CHIPS. THEY WILL GREASE YOUR ASS.

Don't even fucking say a word. I like potato chips, and can't eat them very much or I'll get fat.

I tried out these Pringles Fat-Free chips because they were super low-cal. BBQ flavor. the fuck.

The can said they had 70 calories per serving, which meant the whole can had 490 calories inside total. I could munch through a can in a day with my lunch, dinner, etc. So I got several cans, and began enjoying one a day for the past four days. But what they dont fucking tell you...

Except in tiny print you cant read without a fucking electron microscope

...is that the primary ingredient is something called "olean" which I have since learned is Latin for "Unwashable & Indestructible Ass Grease."

Oh Yeah. I'm not even kidding.

So today, while I'm standing in the living room debating whether or not Laundry or Dishes will get done first, I get the urge to fart. I live alone, so sweet. I let the honk loose and its wrong. Something just sounded wrong. I know my own wind, and I have never farted a sound that sounded like a fart wrapped in a pillow.

Oh yes, something was very wrong. I had just shat myself. But this evil olean makes shitting yourself sound almost like a regular fart, and had I not been particularly attentive, it could easily have gone unnoticed, I'm telling you. THAT's how utterly covert and evil this olean stuff is. What the fuck?! What if I'd gone out to hang with friends or gone for a drive, what then?

So I walk carefully to the bathroom and disrobe. before I even sit on the toilet, I wad paper and carefully wipe from the front. Sure enough, it was light brown, and had the texture of soft spackle. You fucking Pringle bastards.

I sat down and pushed a bit, and lo, out came a jet that I didnt even feel an urge for one minute earlier. It piled in the bowl like brown marshmallow fluff.

The problem rose when I tried to wipe. I went through a whole fucking roll of TP and could not get it all off me. So.

I jumped in the shower. Yep, its gross, but it had to be done. There I stood, water pouring down, cheeks spread, and using my own hand to make certain I'm clean.

That was when I discovered that after using my hand to wipe myself (before I soaped the area) my hand came back covered in some sort of transparent grease. It was so fucking foul. The grease made water bead off my hand. It was tacky too, and very difficult to manage.

So I grabbed the bar of saop and went to work.

You fucking Pringle bastards.

The bar of soap came away coated in grease as well, and would no longer wash. I had to turn the water to hot and massage the soap for five minutes to get it to the point where I could use it again. It took me an hour to get the fucking grease off my pucker. I shudder to think of what its doing INSIDE ME right now, but I will damned sure never eat that shit again.

Fucking Pringle bastards.

This is where the joke about "anal leakage" came from. its real. Fuck Pringles.

• this is in or around ANAL LEAKAGE, ANYBODY?
• no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

I found this hilarious because I remember when the Olean craze first took shape.  I was scared to death to even touch the packaging lest I suffer some foul anal leakage.  I remember a friend eating a giant bag in a single setting.  I shook my head and said he would pay.  He never did.  I hear that it doesn't affect all people the same but has th reaction to certain chemicals within the body.  Oh well.  It was a fun day.  Too bad it was so cold.  I had Camp Randall going at my house today.  The Badgers win.  Down 21-7 at halftime and win 35-32.  BOWL ELLIGIBLE!  Here I had written them off.  I'll be back tomorrow.  I have an idea of what I want to post.

Another week of celebrity shenanigans.  My night has sucked.  I really am not up to talking about it but rest assured it has sucked.  Enough about me.

Will Smith lied.  Weeks ago he said that there wasn't going to be a Karate Kid remake starring his son.  Well it was announced this week that it was on.  You would have known that a while ago too if you read my Lukewarm Links.  Anyway the plot of the new movie will follow the plot of the original.  Sadly there is no Pat Morita.  I think it is illegal to have a Karate Kid movie without Arnold...I mean Pat Morita.  See, I am from Wisconsin so I still call him by the name Arnold because of the documentary of Wisconsin life in the 50s called Happy Days.  I think Suri Cruise will play the love interest and John Travolta will play Mr. Miyagi.  Guess you have to keep it in the Scientology family.

You thought I was joking about Suri being in the new Karate Kid movie.  She has moves. 

We'll start with the nudity early this week.  This is Vicki Blows.  I like Vicki Blows.  Front magazine did a shoot of her reenacting scenes from the Devil May Cry video game.  I like video games.  I like naked girls.  Now if more video games I play featured nudity I would be happy.  Oh not you John Madden.

Why is Stephen Baldwin still here?  He vowed to leave America if Barack Obama was elected president.  I reported that months ago.  Maybe Canada didn't want him.  He must not be too Christian because I believe there is something in the Bible about lying and making stupid vows.  Also the Bible has stuff to say about tattoos.  I know what it says and the connotation so don't get up in arms.  Miley Cyrus dared him to get a tattoo and he did.  Hmmm a 15 year old daring a grown man to get a tattoo?  He did show restraint and got Hannah Montana's initials tattooed on his shoulder so now she has invited him to be a guest star on her show.  I am thinking this is some strange new form of entrapment by NBC's To Catch a Predator.  Pretty soon Chris Hansen will be jumping out.

WHORE-alujah!  Sienna Miller is now officially single.  She finally broke ties with the married Balthazar Getty.  Look out ladies, she's single and ready to mingle with your husband.

A porn studio offered Sarah Palin $2million to do a MILF themed porno.  The studio also said they would be willing to throw in a new snowmobile for her husband Todd.  If she says yes, that porno would be the highest grossing adult movie ever.  It would blow away(sorry) Paris Hilton's sextape.  Hmmm look at what sextapes did for Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian, their careers blossomed from the exposure.  I wonder if a sextape could get Sarah Palin elected.  LOOK OUT KARL ROVE, HERE I COME!(and NO not that)

Salma Hayek...I love you.  She was interviewed this week and in the interview she admitted to being addicted to breast feeding.  Her child is 13 months old and she said that she can't stop and sometimes forces the child to take the breast.  I wonder if she is breast feeding to avoid getting pregnant because that didn't work so well for Jamie Lynn Spears.  So how does breast feeding addictions work?  Does that mean Salma goes around breast feeding every baby and slightly balding, overweight, and fugly man in site?  I need to find out where she lives.

Todd Solondz, one of my favorite filmmakers, is making a sequel to Happiness.  He has cast Paris Hilton for a role in the movie.  If you have seen Happiness you will get this next joke but if you haven't and you are curious email me and we'll talk.  I think Solondz has her in mind for a new licking scene.
 
Here is Nikki Cox now and back when she was hot.  Was she in some sort of bad accident?  Oh yeah, she was engaged to Bobcat Goldwaithe for awhile and I can't remember if they actually got married.  Her current picture makes me think she is trying out for a role in the new Spiderman movie for a villain called Trout Lips.

Do you realize how tempted Mischa Barton is to just rip that dress off and start smoking it?  She's a pothead.

Our nations nightmare is behind us.  The healing process may now begin.  Michael Jackson sold the Neverland Ranch for $35million.  The 2800sq ft. amusement park themed property was bought by a company in Delaware. When they start digging, it's not going to be pretty.  Let's just say I know a thing or two about what might be buried out there cough tooth fairy cough.

Where are they now?  That is Mayim Bialik holding her new daughter and her son Milo being pushed in the stroller.  She looks just as good as she did when she played Blossom.  I guess once Blossom, always Blossom.  Now, where's Six?

Mariah Carey admitted that she was a virgin when she married Nick Cannon.  Well at least she was a virgin with him.  I don't think he cared if he had sex with her or not before they got married but he only cares about sliding his dick deep into her checking account now that they are married.

Madonna reportedly has been telling her friends that A-Rod "has the heart of a poet trapped inside an insanely gorgeous body".  Why is the vomit taste not leaving my mouth?  Oddly enough Alex Rodriguez has been telling his friends that Madonna has "the vagina of T-Rex trapped inside He Man's body".  I hate Madonna and I hate A-Rod.  I hate the Yankees.  IF they take CC from my Brew Crew, I am going to be so pissed.

If I was Guy Ritchie, I would make sure the kids picked up bad habits when they stayed with me.  "Hi, Madonna?  I'm sorry to say this but our 8 year old has taken up smoking.  He smokes a pack of Lucky Strikes filterless and he follows that with a pack of cloves.  Sorry, smoking wasn't on your list."

I know that human cloning is in its infancy but this is ridiculous.  They still need to work out the kinks.  Speaking of kink, Lindsay Lohan still loves men.  Sam has been trying hard to keep her away from all males.  It isn't working because Lindsay has been seen flirting with men in clubs.  It seems fitting since Prop 8 passed because Lindsay wants to get married and Sam is a girl.  Hopefully the Republican party will save them. 

Lauren Conrad was extremely pissed off this week because they paged her over the intercom at JFK airport and used her real name.  Newsflash:  NO ONE CARED!  Lauren isn't as popular as she believes that she is.  Oh how could I forget, she's in The Hills and that one telephone commercial...yeah extremely popular.  When she needs to be paged or book a hotel she should just use a fake name that suits her something like Airhead McDouchebag.

Katy Perry's rebellious is getting played out and contrived.  She needs to get naked or maybe have another song so she won't be called a one hit wonder. 

Kanye West is so much better than you and me and everyone else.  He pisses wherever he wants.  Earlier this week a reporter witnessed him stop typing on his Macbook, get up, and piss all over the dressing room.  He shared the room with the Ting Tings.  They weren't all that upset because they realized it was Kanye West.  I guess I shouldn't be criticizing Kanye but I would never piss all over a shared dressing room.  A dumpster behind a bar in front of an apartment complex with numerous people sitting on their balconies, yes, but never in a shared dressing room.  Kanye was arrested this week but I haven't read up on that.  I can just imagine what his blog will be like.  ALL CAPS!!!!

John Travolta finally lost the toupee...sadly not but he appears bald for a new movie. 

Wow, Jodie Marsh has been a lesbian for two weeks and she is already photoed making out with a girl in public.  God, I must be horrible if I can't get turn around that fast.  I think the French have a term for it, fugly.  SO this is what the term fauxmosexual means...someone who pretends to be gay in order to gain fame.

Jessica Alba has signed up to play a hooker in a new movie called The Killer Inside.  Casey Affleck stars as a small town sheriff who sinks into madness.  This movie sounds interesting but what sold it for me was casting Alba as a hooker.  It's perfect because much like a hooker, she never smiles.  Now, I don't speak from experience, just hearsay.  The other good thing about this movie is I'll finally be able to masturbate to a movie without High School or Musical in the title.  Oh and here's a stock tip: the week The Killer Inside releases, invest in Jergens.

Jennifer Anniston confirmed that she is dating douchebag extraordinaire John Mayer once again.  She said she is so happy to be with him and that she isn't dating him again because she is pregnant.  In other John Mayer news, he will be hosting a variety show on CBS.  Now that is uncool.  I won't get into the use of "uncool" but Jen also said that Angelina Jolie stealing Brad Pitt was uncool...just like her vocabulary.

Wiener Dog and Dog Face turned 26 this week.  I found it funny that I mentioned Todd Solondz this week and Heather Matarazzo celebrated a birthday.  She was the star of the hugely popular Solondz movie, "Welcome to the Dollhouse".  Her brother in that movie played clarinet in a garage band.  How awesome is that!

Hey, Harrison Ford, you know you are a bad dancer when people can't tell if you're dancing or boxing.  You should have also been able to tell you're a bad dancer because you're 66 years old and white.

Gordon Ramsay you fucking donkey piece of fucking bloody shit.  You fucking turned fucking 42 shit years fucking old.  How can you be fucking 42 and look that fucking old.  Fuckity fuck.  If you wonder why I increased the cussing for this dude, you haven't seen any of his shows. 

President George Bush, remember Obama doesn't take office until January 20th, met with some collegiate champions this week.  Along with the champions, Bush threw up the shocker sign.  Don't know what a shocker is, check this out.  It's nice to know that when we still haven't found WMDs in Iraq, haven't found Osama Bin Laden, don't know where the $700billion in the bailout package has gone, and our country is on the presipice of financial calamity, George Bush is the first president to admit to having one in the stink while two are in the pink.  Alright they were from Arizona State and they were doing their pitchfork handsign but who cares.  He's out soon.

Evan Rachel Wood dumped Marilyn Manson for someone just as creepy, the leathery Mickey Rourke.  You know I want them to fall in love.  It reminds me of the old syndicated tv show, Beauty and the Beast.  You know Mickey looks a lot like Vincent but Mickey isn't wearing makeup. 

OK, this is for the ladies.  Daniel Radcliffe is currently making a name for himself on the stage in a production of Equus.  He is nude quite a bit.  I saw the Graham Norton show the other night and Joan Rivers was his guest and he held up a ticket for this play and Joan said, "Well that's the biggest thing you'll see if you go see Equus."  Who is Joan Rivers to criticize penis size?  She has been down on everything but the Titanic...oh wait that answers my question.  Maybe it was just cold in the theater or maybe Daniel needs to channel his Harry Potter character and try to find a spell that makes his magic wand larger.

God, Courtney Love looks horrible.  She is very confused about Prop 8.  She was rambling on her blog, much like I am doing tonight, about how if you voted for Prop 8 then you were for gay marriage and if you voted against it you were against gay marriage.  Sadly she wasn't the only one fooled into believing that line of logic.  When you read her micepace(myspac)blog it becomes apparent that she must be using dictionary pages to roll her joints.  She uses words like apoplectic and refined.  There is no way Courtney Love speaks like that with them high falutin' words.  I then read a recent blog where she talks about her plans to go to a parade to get ban Prop 8.  If you see a giant butt plug walking around, more than likely it's Courtney.  Yes, she seriously said she was going to dress as a butt plug.  She needs to be locked up.

The election is over and now Cindy McCain go about cheating on John McCain.  The National Enquirer photographed her making out with some guy and has been cheating with him for quite some time.  Republican Party=Family Values?  Cheating on a war hero is very low.  You know what else is low?  The prices at Nick's Winter Wonderland.

Britney Spears' 2 year old son Jayden was rushed to the hospital this week after being unresponsive.  The family spokesperson said it was an allergic reaction caused by something he ingested.  Well that sounds about right.  That's what happens when you don't supervise a 2 year old.  Here I was worried he drank a bottle of poison clearly marked with a skull and crossbones or fell from a beam of an unfinished skyscraper.  You know the skyscraper bit is totally within the realm of Britney's parenting skills.

Beyonce...sorry don't hurt me Jay-Z...I mean Sasha Fierce...you can put the gun away...Sasha Fierce wants to play Wonder Woman in an upcoming bigscreen adaptation.  She wants a role that is fun and cool because her last role as Foxy Cleopatra in the Austin Powers movie was too dramatic.  Yes, she seriously said that Goldmember was too dramatic.  I think Beyonce has the same acting ability as a chunk of my sidewalk.  Oh, Jay-Z I meant to say Sasha Fierce.

Now that Ashton Kutcher's movie and tv career is over, he has been coaching freshmen football at a high school in Hollywood.  The kids hate him and call him Ashton Doucher because he walks around with a fake tough guy act and doesn't know the first thing about football.  I need to hire those kids as my comedy writers.  It's been a while since I was in high school but the boys who play freshmen football are 18 year old girls, right?

Angelina Jolie is apparently going the way of Joaquin Phoenix.  She plans on quitting acting in movies in the next couple of years.  Good!  Don't let the door hit you in the gigantic lips on the way out.

This is Victoria's Secret model Ana Beatriz Barros.  I really don't know what to say about her but what I want to know is where do you apply for the job of rubbing lotion all over the models.  Who am I kidding?  You would have to be gay to do that job. Not being mean to the gays, just saying that if that were me, my head would explode.

This is Adrienne Bailon.  She is a member of Disney's third most popular band, The Cheetah Girls.  She had some photos that were intended for her boyfriend stolen from her laptop.  Supposedly she left her laptop at JFK Airport(everything seems to happen there) and a guy found it but before he returned it, he took the laptop home and found the pictures.  Once he had them downloaded and on his computer, he returned her laptop to her for the $1000 reward.  The police are looking into that story because some anonymous sources have told them that this was all staged.  The story does have a staged feeling to it.  How many people keep semi-nude photos of themselves lying around in their laptop?  I got rid of my photos.  Disney is also rumored to be working on firing her.  I guess these photos weren't enough to boost her career.

NO!  Amy Winehouse lost the beehive for good.  The curly pube bush sort of makes her look like she could be the lost Marx Brother, Cracko.  She also looks as if she could pass for Rhea Pearlman's twin sister.  There are benefits to being a paparazzo who follows Amy around.  Right after these pictures were taken, Amy went back inside her house and brought out a bottle of vodka for the photographers.  A snapper asked her if she was happy that her husband was out of jail.  Amy replied, "It's hard going for a year without sex."  Welcome to my world, Amy.

Well that is it for this week.  I hope you approve.  I don't have any plans right now but if my day gets any worse I plan on driving as far away as my gas tank will take me.