So my week has come and past.  I had a fun weekend.  Got to see the Croatian Sensation whom I haven't seen since February.  Also got to see my goddaughter.  She's getting bigger.  I got my first Christmas present and by far the best, The Watchmen graphic novel...can't wait to crack that open.  Ate at the Old Baraboo Inn and was interviewed by a group of paranormal investigators.  Oh yeah that reminds me I have work to do...went out to some bars around the area and basically it was a nice, relaxing weekend.  Next weekend will be "interesting" because I have to do Christmas shopping.  I was thinking of pulling a George Costanza and send people a letter that says I made a donation to a charity in their name...but I don't actually make the donation and the charity is fake.  I'm planning on sending out my Hanukkah cards sometime in the upcoming week.  I'll have plenty of time to write them inside this week because the weather is supposed to take an arctic turn.  Tomorrow they are saying it may dip to -20 and then with the windchill could feel like -40.  Well time for celebrity shenanigans.

Tom Cruise was set to give an interview about his new movie Valkyrie this week but before he went to the interview he noticed that his Blackberry was missing.  They searched everywhere Tom had been yet they couldn't find it.  There is a chance that it may have been stolen.  Why is this Blackberry so important?  It is the device that controls Katie Holmes' every move.  I'm guessing he probably sat on it and his ass swallowed it whole.  Whenever it buzzes he thinks that Xenu is flirting with him.  Oh and if any of you watch the cable channel FX, there have been some Valkyrie promos that make me want to throw a brick at my screen.  Tom says that his movie is, "not a world war II movie but a conspiracy thriller set in World War II." What?

Tila Tequila is telling everyone that she wants to adopt a baby boy.  I think that before she adopts that we find this kid, give him a stick and parachute, send him on a plane to Darfur, and push him out over the countryside because then he may have a fighting chance at living a decent life.  You know that if she adopts, the baby will be nothing more than a new fashion accessory.

Hooking up with Tila is quite easy.  All you have to do is go to Barnes and Noble, buy her book, make sure your shots are up to date, and have a camera crew who will capture all your dirty work.

Don't let any of the Detroit Lions staff see you throw that ball, Tara Reid.  They might actually offer you a contract.  Good news:  Tara finally went to rehab and surprisingly not the Celebrity Rehab.

Ryan Seacrest kissed a girl....and didn't like it.  There are so many stories about that guy...

Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson have been trying to exploit their newborn.  They sent out feelers to major celebrity magazines offering rights to exclusive photos of Bronx Mowgli.  Well none of the magazines took the bait because apparently we're in a recession and paying millions of dollars for baby photos is a tad ridiculous in these times...that and Pete and Ashlee suck.  So now they are turning the tables and saying that no one is allowed to photograph their baby.  They totally view their son as nothing more than a dollar sign sucking on a bottle.  Their next plan is to offer a pay-per-view of the night of conception.

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are fussin' and a feudin' once again.  Nicole is accusing Paris of dating Benji Madden only for exposure and media coverage.  Hmmm...has that ever happened in Hollywood before where someone was in a relationship for media coverage? *cough Tom Cruise cough*  Nicole is married/dating Benji's brother Joel so she is upset with Paris because they could have been SiLFs(sisters in law forever)Not to be confused with a MILF or a SIF(guy in college was called SIF because he had a sunken in face).  Nicole said that why Paris and Benji were dating, Paris cheated on Benji with a jeweler.  Well, that's fitting.  That guy deals in precious stones and Paris has been drilled more times than a diamond mine.  They need to put down their guns and go back to the way they used to be...back when Nicole looked like E.T.'s long lost sister and Paris could actually count the number of people she had slept with without using exponents. 

Pamela Anderson has decided to stop wearing pants because she figured they be off by the end of the night.  Maybe it was last week or two weeks ago where someone criticized me for making fun of Pam even though she wasn't wearing make-up.  I say, "Behold!  The face only a meth pipe could love!"  She is looking like a lot lizard these days.

Guess the ass...not my grandma...this person has the ability to turn a one piece swimsuit into a thong.  It's Pam Anderson.  She may want to consider a larger size.

This is Michael Phelps and that is not his girlfriend.  He has said that the woman next to him is his stalker.  So he scores some super-hot Asian model and he has a hot Asian stalker with an amazing built in flotation device.  Some guys have all the luck.

Can you spot the actual human?  Marie Osmond has taken her doll making to strange new levels.  I think she is slowly trying to turn herself into a doll.  Have you ever been to the house of a doll collector or a beanie baby collector?  It is like it is something out of Satan's nightmares.  I have an aunt that collects dolls and makes her own.  One whole floor of her house is devoted to dolls.  I fear that floor.

The dream is over.  John Stamos was in negotiations to bring us a Full House spin-off but he wouldn't compromise and the deal is done and Full House won't be coming back to our screens.  No more Kimmy Gibbler love.  I wanted to see her in those hot early 90s outfits once again.  Apparently she was interviewed this week and the reporter referred to her as Kimmy and Kimmy got pissed because she thinks that Andrea is her real name.  If we can't get a Full House reunion, at least can we get Jesse and the Rippers?

Mayim Bialik turned 33 this weekend...hey, now that Full House isn't coming back, how about Blossom?

Mariah Carey is pregnant.  I believe she is expecting a magical butterfly baby.  I want to invent a pill that will speed up the pregnancy just so I can hear what she will name her child.  Right now the odds in Vegas are leaning heavily to the child's name being related to Hello Kitty.  Her dancers are upset with her for getting pregnant.  She has canceled her tour and her Christmas special.  They are considering a lawsuit.  Hey, if it wasn't for a birth, you wouldn't have the opportunity to dance for a Christmas special.  I'm thinking they need to evaluate their career choice of being a back-up dancer.

Hey, Linda Hogan, want to know how to tell if the guy you are dating is too young?  The biggest sign is that he still has acne.

I have only one question about Kristen Stewart.  Why does it look like she has just woke up in every single picture that is taken of her?  Oh yeah...she loves the weed.

Stevie Wonder has been approached by the producers of Dancing with the Stars.  No, they aren't asking to use his songs or be a musical guest.  They want him to be one of the contestants.  Let that sink in for a minute.  A radio show host asked Stevie if he could dance and Stevie replied, "I have seven kids.  Of course I've got to be able to dance."  If he joins the show, I declare him the winner.

A new PETA poster featuring Khloe "The Hulk" Kardashian made its debut this week.  Should say: Fame? I'll go naked for it like my sister but unlike her I won't be pissed on.  You realize this has scarred me.

Katy Perry performed at a radio station's Christmas party this week.  A concert goer described Katy as "an epileptic who tripped on downed power lines."  If it wasn't for 14 year old girls who think that she is edgy, perverts like me, and her heaving chest, chances are she'd be seating you at Applebee's.

Uh-oh!  Katie Holmes has herpes.  Looks like Tom Cruise's "no kissing under any circumstances" policy finally paid off.

Katherine Heigl was photographed at the premier of Marley and Me.  That's one hot bitch...I know that isn't Katherine Heigl, I'm making a statement.

We're on the brink of another economic depression and Kate Hudson is cutting back too.  She is only going to be giving her family handmade crafts for presents this Christmas and of course Kate is making all the crafts herself.  She also said that they were cutting back and had to settle on celebrating Christmas in Colorado on a skiing vacation.  I think I am on the brink of tears.

This economy...I tell you what.  Jodie Sweetin left her husband because their house is in foreclosure, the water has been shut off, and all the utilities are overdue.  After they got married, her husband, Cody Herpin, refused to work because he thought he won the lottery by marrying her.  They had to live on her residuals from Full House reruns and obviously it isn't good money.  I wonder what she did with all the money she made on Pants Off Dance Off.  All I can say is that Mr. Bear better get off his ass and start helping out Step-on-Me.  That and we NEED...no DEMAND a Full House spin-off.

Oh hi!  This is a still shot from Jessica Biel's new movie Powder Blue or as I like to call it, The Best Movie Ever.  I really don't care or know what Powder Blue is about but I have a desire to see the film.

This economy...I tell you what.  Jerry Seinfeld is so much better than us.  That is is his mansion and newly built guest house and his very own baseball field.  Some day it will be mine, I just need to convert to Judaism for the jokes.

Jennifer Aniston appeared semi-nude in GQ this week.  She looks pretty hot after the photoshopping.  I wonder if she will ever be fully nude.  I won't hold my breath waiting because if I did, I would suffocate.

Oh how cute!  Heidi and Spencer standing under mistletoe while shopping for a Christmas tree.  You know those two should start a new Christmas tradition of after kissing under the mistletoe, they eat it.  I promise eating mistletoe won't cause blurry vision, diarrhea, vomiting, slow heart beats, low blood pressure, hallucinations, or convulsions.  I swear on the hypocritical oath. 

This economy...I tell you what.  Fantasia was an American Idol winner.  I had to look it up because I always forget who wins because they go on to achieve such nothingness.  Her house went into foreclosure this week.  I guess there isn't much work out there for an American Idol winner who has a movie about her rough life.  OK I guess Lifetime Channel movies aren't the big money makers.  Maybe Fantasia needs to learn how to manage her money by learning how to live off McDonald's dollar menu and Top Ramen.

Can you believe Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got it on while on the red carpet at the premier of The Mysterious Case of Benjamin Button?  Well they didn't but I have dreams about standing in Brad Pitt's shoes in these photos.  He needs to lose the pube-stache.

The world lost a legend this week.  Bettie Page passed away at the age of 85.  She was a famous pin-up model in case you didn't know.  I also think she helped women discover their sexuality.  OK, maybe I am stretching but she helped me discover my fetish for naked ladies.  She was the first lady I ever saw naked.  My grandfather had her pin-ups all over his leather and shoe repair room of his shoe store.  Thank you, Bettie.  You'll be missed.

Despite rumors that Avril Lavigne's marriage is dissolving, she appears to be pregnant.  Either she's pregnant or she is the world's worst shoplifter.  I can't imagine the spawn of Avril.  AH!  I'm going to have nightmares.

This week, Audrina Partridge was photographed bikini shopping.  Why am I living in an area where it feels like it is -40 and my testicles disappear from December through March?  Why am I not living in California?

This is a behind the scenes photo from Aubrey O'Day's recent photo shoot with Complex magazine.  Why does she look so comfortable on her knees?  Oh yeah, that is how she got to be part of Danity Kane, what other reason would Diddy select her?  Why does this look like it is actually a shoot for a bukkake film?  Hmm probably because that is her next career move.

Ladies don't feel left out.  Here's a little something for you.  That's Armand Assante.  RAWR *making paw motion at monitor* 

Don't click on the picture, it won't take you anywhere.  I am posting this photo of Angelique because she is going to be on another VH-1 reality show.  VH-1 is great.  They are making nobodys stars.   This week it was announced that there will be an I Love Money 2.  The first show was a trainwreck and the second one looks like it will live up to that billing.  Check out the cast here.  YES!  I can't wait.  OH but wait there's more.  The cast of Rock of Love Bus was announced as well.  Check out the cast here. Wow, I think that has to be the largest collection of silicon and saline in reality show histroy.  I predict that show will be a train...oops...bus wreck.

Amy Winehouse's husband, Blake, is threatening to write a tell-all book about the singer if she doesn't give him an undisclosed amount of money.  What could be shocking stories about Amy that we don't know?  She gives prostrate massages to old men in nursing homes for a price so can buy tranny feces which she snorts off the body of midget hookers?  No, there isn't anything that would surprise me about her.

Well that is all for this week.  I hope it was worth the extra wait.