Well, this is two weeks in the making.  I actually spent part of my day today going around and catching up on all the gossip out there.  OK it's long.  Sorry.  Now if only I had to apologize for the length of other things.  OK gossip.

What do you do with a drunken sailor?  Well you sling him on your back and give him a piggyback ride if he is too drunk and short to walk.  Hey, back off, Vern Troyer's 40th birthday was on New Year's so he had double the reason to celebrate and hence double the drunkenness.

According to sources close to Tom Cruise, he is receiving death threats because of his most recent film.  The threats are so severe that the FBI has been notified.  I think Tom may be suffering from a touch of paranoia.  He built a $5million bunker at his Colorado mansion(just like Hitler).  I'm thinking this is just another publicity gimmick.  He got married...he had a kid...he made an ass of himself on Oprah...next logical move would be death threats.

Suri Cruise has more fans than her father.  She receives hundreds of letters of fan mail every day.  Sending Suri fan mail is sort of like sending Paris Hilton a condom.  Both would be confused and both would end up putting the mail in their mouth.  Well in Paris' case that would be male.

Here's a little something for the ladies.  Have you ever wondered how Simon Cowell got so rich and powerful?  Look at that symbol on the front of his jet ski.  I think that is self-explanatory.

Sean Penn's rivalry with Mickey Rourke has reach new heights or sunk to new lows.  Mickey was on Letterman recently and backstage he was talking about Sean's role as Harvey Milk.  Mickey said he didn't buy it because Sean is the biggest homophobe that he knows.  Could have fooled me but then Sean Penn is a pretentious douche bag so this doesn't surprise me.  I haven't seen Milk but I have heard Penn is convincing.  This is all funny because Mickey has been known to refer to costars as fags.  Both Sean and Mickey are front-runners for the Best Actor Oscar(Mickey is in The Wrestler and is said to be phenomenal) so I guess it is fitting that they start taking shots at each other. 

Samantha Ronson is better than you.  She cleared $3million for her DJ appearances in 2008.  She is now charging $25,000 per appearance.  I think she is clearly getting paid for being Lindsay Lohan's significant other or for her double jointed tongue.  She was recently rushed to the hospital for a case of exhaustion which proves that dating Lindsay is exhausting.  Early word on the street is that Sam and Lindsay are over.

Usually I'd say that it might not be in your child's best interest to smoke around said child.  However with Salma Hayek that is impossible because she's smoking hot.  I was up all night writing that joke.  Oh and the cigarette...it isn't lit.

At first I thought this was the guy from Lost, you know the big guy with the hair.  Then I looked a little closer and thought that the creature in the middle was a manatee.  Then I noticed that this creature was more worthless than a manatee so I figured it was Rosie O'Donell.

Pete and Ashlee finally released photos of their baby boy, Bronx Mowgli, free of charge and they wanted millions from the gossip magazines but none wanted to shell out that much money for a photo of a baby of two people that won't be around in 2 years.  I think I know why Bronx is so sleepy.  Would you want to be awake and realize that those two people are your parents?  If they were loving parents they should have given Bronx Mowgli a new name for Christmas.

This is Paris Hilton's brand new custom colored pink short bus...I mean Rolls Royce.  It set her back $200,000.  If you want a matching color for your car, just go to Maaco and ask for Pepto-Bismal pink.  That car is just begging me to spray paint "I'm a dumb whore" across the hood.

In wake of this fashion disaster and her recent house break in, Paris has installed security cameras all over her house.  They have pics of the thieves so they are making their best efforts to catch them.  WTF!  Paris, if you have security cameras in your house, they shouldn't be pointed at every bed, toilet, and counter top.

Paris Hilton has been spending time in Australia.  She has been protested because she supposedly spent $6000 in 40 minutes at a store.  The protesters said she could have used that money to feed a village of 2000 people for a week.  You know what?  Paris could have serviced a village of 2000 in just 30 minutes.

Everyone, quick, put on your haz-mat suits!  Paris' skank disease could be spreading.  A tell tale sign is if your eye starts to droop.  Oh, I'm evil but I am a better human being than Paris Hilton.

Where is that girl that claimed I was mean for making fun of Pam Anderson when she wasn't wearing make-up?  I think Pam is going for the hybrid raccoon human look.  When will she learn that spackling on more make-up doesn't make you look better but that maybe laying off the coke might help.

Merle Haggard is one of my new heroes.  He just had a lemon sized tumor removed from his lung.  He also resolved to give up his daily marijuana smoking and focus more on recording new material and entertaining at women's prisons.  Wow, I need to start getting gigs at women's prisons.  Check out Okie from Muskogee and The Fighting Side of Me to hear some classic Merle. 

That all tuna diet looks to be working pretty good for Lindsay Lohan.  She looks like she is down to a lean, mean 87 lbs.  Her resolution for 2009 is to eat something other than tuna but where is the fun in that?


I am so smitten with these pictures.  Now if they could only sing or speak then I would be set.  Lily Allen...I don't care, I think she is gorgeous.  What is it about British ladies that go topless at the beach?  Why doesn't that migrate to these parts?  I tried going to a nude beach around here but it was a total sausage fest.  I bet you are asking why did I post so many pics of Lily Allen.  Well I have two answers: 1.  2008 was very lonely for me and 2.  I'm lazy

There was sad news out of the Bahamas today.  John Travolta's son Jett, aged 16, died in a hospital.  The circumstances of his death aren't currently known but it's been reported for some time that Jett had autism but the Travolta family refused to acknowledge or treat it. In Scientology circles, those with autism are known as "degraded beings" that brought the affliction on themselves. I guess the Scientologists that believe in Xenu -- the alien that stacked billions of humans around volcanoes 75 million years ago and then blew them up with hydrogen bombs scattering their souls across the sky which he then collected with a vacuum cleaner and assembled in a movie theater where they were forced to watch a 3D movie for 36 days to implant them with misleading data so that when they attached themselves to human beings they would cause pain -- are considered the "normal" ones. Holy shit I hate these people.  I wish I made that shit up but I didn't.

England's finest rose, Jodie Marsh, turned 30 this week and she celebrated in style by spending time at the free clinic.  Who am I kidding?  I would totally hit that and by hit I don't mean every topic on Datingish but relations of a sexual nature.

Diddy is thinking to himself, "Why are they letting the homeless in my club?"  Actually, Diddy, that is aspiring rapper Joaquin Phoenix.  Joaquin looks a little "off".  I think it is time for Joaquin to say "Bye! Good"

Remember Jay Mohr?  He was on Saturday Night Live briefly, he hosted the search for a comedian on NBC, and he has some show on Comedy Central that airs sporadically.  Well he is so in love with Nikki "Trout Lips" Cox that he is taking her name.  He will now be known as Jay Cox-Mohr.  Maybe it should be Mohr-Cox and he borrow her lip injections and inject them to live up to his new name.  Just a thought.

Janine Lindemuller is a porn star best known for all those scenes she did with Jenna Jameson.  She was also the nurse on the Blink 182 album cover and in their videos.  Well she is going to prison for tax evasion.  That prison floor will be the most popular prison floor in the history of prisons.  I am negotiating the filming rights for a reality series.  Oh that would be awesome.

There is a God.  Heidi Montag and her lap-dog Spencer Pratt were denied entry into a New York City night club.  According to onlookers, they even did the "do you know who I am" schtick.  Finally, people are realizing that The Hills is a joke.  I just wish that Heidi and Spencer would soon realize that and go away forever.

Here's a little something for the ladies.  This is Giorgio Armani.  I have some of his line of ties which is not that bad.  Ladies, I hear if you go out with him, he'll give you a nice leathery bag.

Eddie Murphy really loves being photographed with real women these days.  Maybe he pulled out the guitar in order to charm the trouser snake out of their bikinis to make sure they were indeed real women.  How much do you want to bet that he is singing "Party All the Time"?

Drew Barrymore has a new piece...I mean boyfriend in Jason Segel.  They met while singing karaoke and soon were singing duets and then making out in the bar.  I think one of my New Year's resolutions should be to sing more karaoke but of course no place around here would have any Mojo Nixon or Dead Milkmen.  And you know I can't sing Dylan or the Dead without Skinny Wolf.

Dave Stewart of the Eurythmics is out of the music game is now focusing on vibrators.  He currently has two on the market.  One is priced at $1400 and the other is $140.  The prices are a bit different on this site.  For that price it had better have diamonds do all the work for you and serve you a five course dinner and Annie Lennox better serenade you while you use this product.  She better sing this song:

I couldn't believe this story.  Dane Cook's brother was arrested for trying to forge a check for $3million.  He later admitted to embezzling millions from Cook over the years.  Who knew Dane had that much money?  He comes off as a guy who has 2 t-shirts and lives in a cardboard box.  Well I tried booking him for an event and all Dane wanted to be paid with was free well drinks at the bar, food stamps, and hand jobs from the day shift hookers.

Chyna recently had a birthday and she celebrated in style.  She got so drunk...Match Game people...HOW DRUNK WAS SHE...Chyna got so drunk that she had to be rushed to the hospital for possible alcohol poisoning.  While in her room and recovering she started screaming for the nurse to bring her a hamburger and fries.  I know what that is like, after I drink, I want nothing but Taco Bell.  Taco Bell combined with my drinking...because my body doesn't process alcohol the best any more look out!  Blah blah blah Chyna's hot.

Charles Barkley was pulled over on suspicion of DUI this week.  He ran a stop sign and the police pulled him over and they claimed to smell alcohol on his breath.  Charles had good reasoning as to why he ran the stop sign.  He saw a girl walking on the sidewalk and he recognized her.  This was a special girl for Charles.  He told police that she gave him the best blow job ever and he wanted to get another.  The police wanted to give Barkley a breathalyzer but he refused and opted for a blood test.  The results have not been made public.  This sounds like a good start for a campaign to be the next governor of Alabama.

One of the members of the Blue Man Group was arrested in Chicago this week.  The Blue Man wasn't in his blue make-up when he went into a park looking to perform for random men.  Yes, he should be in the Blew Man group(I was up all night writing that one as well).  He got caught performing an act on another man who just happened to be the assistant principal at Maine East High School in Park Ridge, a suburb of Chicago.  Maine East High's colors are blue and white and their mascot is the Blue Demon.  Coincidence?  Well the Blue Man Group has denied that the guy arrested was even a member of the group.  I can't believe someone would actually lie and claim to be a member of the Blue Man Group.

Barack Obama spent his holiday in Hawaii before he takes office and has to clean up all the shit that Captain Cuckoo Bananas left him.  All I can think of when I see this photo is that my president can beat up your president. 

There is trouble on the set of 30 Rock and this trouble may boil over and mean that this would be the final season.  Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey were being photographed and Alec told the photographer that he would need to do a lot of air brushing for the photos.  He claims he meant it because of her body but she thought he was talking about the scars on her face.  She said she was surprised that someone with a double chin and a person who thinks Sarah Palin is hot would have the balls to say anything about air brushing.  OK first off, he's claiming to just insult her body and not her scars...CLASSY.  Tina's comments: MEEEE-OOOOWWW!  Didn't she play Sarah Palin?  Maybe Alec is saying Tina's hot.  Oh well Alec and Tina are fighting and right now the rumor is that one will not return to 30 Rock if the other does.

So this is the e-card Britney put up on her website to say Merry Christmas.  I think there is a lot of child abuse going on in this photo.  First, what is up with those glasses?  Is that supposed to be cool?  Secondly, look where Britney has positioned her left hand.  I'm not a parent but I don't think that is kosher.  Those kids are going to have an interesting adulthood.

Speaking of kids...Britney has propositioned this douche bag, Kevin Federline, to have another child.  Britney is still crazy.  Her dad needs to cancel all her upcoming appearances and lock her in a cage until her desire to have another child subsides.

Some interesting but not too shocking stories about Amy Winehouse surfaced this week.  A friend talked to the press about some of Amy's recent habits.  He said that she lives on crack(surprise surprise) and the habit is upwards of $2500 a day.  She also makes crack pipes out of anything around her.  I hear that she may be getting her own show on the Home and Garden Network about how to make drug pipes and hideaways out of common household items.  Her friend went on to say that Amy gets extremely horny when she smokes crack and that she was his own personal porn star and that she wanted sex upwards of 7 times a day.  OK, but who doesn't want sex that often?  Amy is also worried about joining the 27 Forever Club.  Well I think she is on the right track to join.  He also claims to have seen Amy snort a line of coke that was 20 centimeters, which for us Americans is about 8 inches.  Wow, Amy has a few resolutions to make for 2009.

So that wasn't really Amy Winehouse.  I thought I might have to explain it for a few of you but here are some pics of her on vacation.  She is one of those topless British gals.



I think I am falling in love again.  Seeing Amy in the water reminds me of Jaws but instead of human flesh, she desires crack.  She was celebrating Christmas and Hanukkah(because I think she is Jewish) in St. Lucia.  I have to say that Amy looks great and doesn't appear to be starving anymore.  Humanitarian aide has been sent to St. Lucia in wake of her toplessness and crack habit.

Well that is it for this week.  I hope you enjoyed.