There seems to be four formulas for writing blogs on Xanga. One formula is to present a situation or story and then to ask a question of the readers. Another formula is the rant. Some people are quite excellent with the rant and this is all they blog. Another formula is the artistic post. People write stories, poems, post music or post artwork that that they have painted. The final formula is the advice column.
The first formula isn't quite my style. My professors in college, doctors of education, said it was great to ask children questions and let them find the answer for themselves but you need to provide guidance and not just stand back and let all hell break loose. Rants are great and I have tried them but usually I rant when my blood pressure is high or I have had about enough of idiocracy in my life. Art isn't my thing. I struggle with creating anything that might be called artistic. I think writing or comedy is my art and that has been called into question.
So that leaves me with the advice column. It's simple, just like me. I am going to attempt an advice column however I cannot do this alone. I scoured the internet looking for a writing partner but my quest turned up nada. I was sitting in my living room when the perfect candidate popped up. I hope my co-author will rise to the occasion and give you much pleasure.
Ladies and gentlemen, friends and fellow Xangans, I now expose my co-author of this new advice column....
Cocky McCockburns
Me: Cocky, are you ready?
Cocky: I'm cocked, locked, and ready to unload some life-changing advice.
Me: Alright, on to the letters...
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I am only 19 and I love politics. However whenever I get into political discussions with older people they laugh at my because of my age. What can I do to be taken more seriously in the realm of politics?
Sarah in New York
Me: Good question. I might say that even though the old men run this country people your age are the ones voting and whose opinions truly matter. I could also suggest going to eBay and try finding campaign shirts from some of the past candidates for president and then studying up on that candidate so that people may question why are you wearing his shirt. I would go with Ross Perot, that would get a lot of those older people guessing about you.
Cocky: What? Perot? What you need is Sarah Palin schwag and lots of it because she is our nation's future. SARAH PALIN 2012!
Me: Cocky, I thought you were a Bush supporter.
Cocky: Yes, in more ways than one.
Me: Cocky, let's keep this PG-Rated.
Cocky: OK, the next time an old fart questions your age, you punch them in the throat and scream, "Did you mess your Depends, you old fart."
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
My 14 year old son is starting to date and I am afraid to talk to him about sex. I'm a single mother and his father, well he shouldn't be allowed to speak to anyone about sex. I don't want to be a grandmother before I have grey hair. What should I do?
Mary in Minneapolis
Me: This is a tough subject to bring up with your child but you want to be open and upfront about sex. Tell him about it as soon as you can. Discuss stds and protection. I might also ask your father to come in and talk to your son. Another thing you might want to think about is making protection available.
Cocky: YOU BLEEDING HEART FAIRY! Lady, you set the child down and lock him in a room and force him to watch Busty Cops and Busty Cops 2. Then if he is all about the sex, you slap in a David Lynch movie and that will confuse the hell out of him and you won't ever have to worry about having grandkids. Still if the kid is gung-ho for an over and under make him do a Google image search of Herpes.
Me: Shouldn't she provide some information and discuss it with him?
Cocky: No, you learned about sex from a "hands on" approach and you...turned...out...fine. Didn't your dad put a box of Penthouse Letters and Hustlers in your room when you were at an impressionable age?
Me: And our next letter...
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
When is the best time to study?
Seamus in Boston
Me: Well it varies from person to person but I would recommend finding the time in the day when you are at your proverbial best. For instance when I was in college I couldn't do any homework before 9PM. That was jsut how I rolled. Sure there were nights when I was up until 2 but it worked best for me. Also, do your work in a place that is conductive for study.
Cocky: I'm at my best in the morning. That's when I do my best work. Conductive for study? That's coming from a guy who spent the majority of every night in a semester studying at a Perkins.
Me: Well it gave me the opportunity to also study people and how my classmates acted outside of campus.
Cocky: LOAD OF SHIT! You just studied the waitresses in their oh so tight pants and you even failed that class.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
About three years ago, my husband and I bought an above ground pool for the kids. They love it and I have to admit it is a blessing on those summer days when the temperature gets above 80. The problem is my husband. If he isn't in the pool swimming, he is cleaning it or tinkering with the filters. I can't spend all my time with him out by the pool because by the end of summer I'll look like a lobster! What should I do?
Barbara in Baraboo
Me: That is a tough question. I would be upfront with him and tell him that he is spending too much time with the pool and not with his spouse. You might want to get rid of the kids for the night and have a pool party of your own and talk things over.
Cocky: Can you believe it? The Dallas Cowboys released Terrell Owens. What team is going to sign him? I can't stand that guy. The most disruptive, pass-dropping machine in NFL history. He's a bigger cock than I.
Me: Cocky, Barbara asked us a question.
Cocky: OK...pool...summer...husband...tinkering...lobster...here's what you do; you disassemble the filtration device and place each piece leading to your bedroom and then you are waiting in bed with the last piece and when your husband comes in dumbfounded as to why his wife is lying naked on the bed with a disassmebled pool filter, you say, "Hey, big boy, why don't you take out that stick and measure my ph balance."
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I'm ruined! My boyfriend, well my exboyfriend, and I were intimate one time and he begged me to let him photograph me nude and performing certain acts on him. Now a friend told me that he saw those pictures I took with my ex were on a website. What should I do before I kill myself?
Beth in Marion
Me: Now, killing yourself isn't the answer. First, contact the website and ask them to take down the photos saying that they were placed there without your permission. If they do not respond, inform them that you are under the age of 18, that should get them moving.
Cocky: Before you report the website you may want to send me the link so I can investigate the reputation of this website to make sure it is reputable and will listen to the email the God-mother advised you to send. I would also urge you to send your photos to me at advicewithcocky@gmail.com so I may keep them safe and out of the hands of websites and perverts.
Me: Cocky, that isn't what she should do. She shouldn't be sending those pictures to anyone else.
Cocky: But I am trustworthy, you freak. She said she performed certain activities and I want to know if I could date her because before going into a relationship it is nice to know if a girl knows how to handle a cock.
Me: If you have any questions for Cocky and myself, you can email them to--
Cocky: Me at advicewithcocky@gmail.com
Me: OR send me a message here at Xanga.
Cocky: Also if you have ever posed nude and want your photos kept safe make sure you email them to me at advicewithcocky@gmail.com
Me: Cocky, you are such a dick.
Cocky: Wrong! I'm a cock.
Me: So I guess what I am saying is that if you find this funny and you want me to write more, send me some questions. They don't have to be heavy topics. You could also recommend so that your friends may enjoy the advice that me and my cock dispense.
Cocky: Whoring yourself out again! Let's leave the people with what they truly want to see...ME!
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