Well Cocky and I are back for another shot at helping you with your questions.  It has been a long week and Cocky has been somewhat exhausted.  He is addicted to basketball tournaments.  He has logged countless hours watching basketball these past couple of weeks and the big dance is set to begin tomorrow.  Cocky has been talking with our bookie about placing some bets.  Another reason why he is exhausted is that we have a new sponsor.

Me: Cocky, are you ready?
Cocky: Locked, cocked, and ready to unload.
Me: Good to hear.  How is the new sponsor treating you?
Cocky: My liver woke up next to me this morning, crying.  I missed sun-up.
Me: That's unfortunate.  What did all the hens do?
Cocky: Well, when they heard my liver crying, they just rolled over and went back to bed.

Fighting Cock Bourbon is aged for 6 years in oaken barrels to make it a classic 103 proof bourbon and giving it a smooth and robust flavor.  The brand name reflects the proud, passionate, independent spirit that the Fighting Cock bird embodies. Indeed, during World War II, a fighter squadron adorned the cowls of their planes with this proud but fierce emblem. Fighting Cock is a hallmark of Heaven Hill's fine Bourbons.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
You two seem like you are pretty funny guys.  I mean I laugh so hard at your jokes.  Cocky, you are hilarious.  I guess what I getting to is, can you guys give me some jokes.  I am in a high pressure job and I desperately need to be funny.
                                                Jimmy F. in New York City
Me: Well, Jimmy, humor isn't something that is acquired overnight.  You have to develop it.
Cocky: Well then how do you explain yourself?
Me: OK, Jimmy, my suggestion would be that if you have a job that depends on you telling jokes and you're not funny, well you may want to look for other work.  However here's a joke you may want to try: A drunk staggered down the main street of the town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to a cathedral and into the entrance, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.  A priest had observed all this, and figured the fellow needed some help, so he entered his side of the confessional. After the priest sat there in deathly silence, he finally asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper in there?"
Cocky: Oh yes, a Catholic joke.  How funny!  I am surprised you didn't go with a priest and a little boy joke.
Me: Well, Cocky, what do you have to offer?
Cocky: One day a hooker went to file her taxes, and for occupation she put prostitution.  The tax collector explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation.  She said she'd have to go home and think about it and that she'd call him back in a hour with her occupation.  An hour later she called him and said, "I've got it... I'm a chicken farmer."  He said, "How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution."  She said, "I raised over a thousand cocks last year."  And, Jimmy, you aren't funny.  Get off my TV!

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
IT'S MARCH MADNESS BABY!  Who do you have in your brackets winning the Big Dance?  Which Cream Puff Delights will be exiting after the first round?  I can't wait to see some dipsy-doo-dunk-a-roos!  It's AWESOME BABY!
                                                      Richard V. in Connecticut
Me: Well, Dick, may I call you Dick?  I am quite anxious for this tournament.  I have a few upsets picked.  Look out for North Dakota State and VCU.  As for winning it all, I am leaning toward Memphis or Duke.  I was set to take UNC however Lawson has a sore toe.
Cocky: I've had many fights with more significant body parts hurt.  One time this big old hen came to get me and I couldn't get up.
Me: Cocky, what is your take on the tournament.
Cocky: Well I've narrowed my picks for champion down to  7.  We have the Louisville Cardinals, Kansas Jayhawks, B.C. Eagles, Marquette Golden Eagles, American University Eagles, Temple Owls, and the Purdue Boilermakers. 
Me: All bird teams.
Cocky: Damn straight!
Me: Hey, what about Purdue? The last time I checked a boilermaker wasn't a bird but a shot of whiskey and a beer.
Cocky: Well, what can I say, I like to drink.

Dear Cocky and Godfather,
I have a serious problem.  I love my husband but when we make loves it takes him forever to achieve orgasm.  I mean sometimes it takes 30 minutes and other times it is 45 minutes to an hour.  What should I do?
                                                            Worried in Winnentka
Me: Well some people may suggest playing with testicles or the taint or even talking dirty during love making.  One thing I would suggest is some serious communication.  If it is causing you discomfort, you may want to let him know.  However be delicate.  It could cause some serious hang-ups and your husband could be scarred emotionally.
Cocky:  Lady, are you serious?  A lot of women would jump at that chance.  Especially if they were working with the Godfather also known as The One Minute Wonder.
Me: Cocky, I don't see how my profficiency is on trial here.
Cocky: It's not.  I just love making fun of you sweetheart.  Actually what you want to do is lose some weight or gain some weight if that is his thing.  If he doesn't want to change, you punch him in the throat and kick that guy to the curb. You need a lover that is good, giving, and game and lasts under 5 minutes.
Me: That's horrible.  You also could take advice from me and try role-playing or costume play.  That tends to spice things up and break monotony.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
OK, there's this girl in my study hall that I really like and I think she really likes me.  I want to ask her to prom but it might not work out.  I don't have my driver's license and I really want to impress her by driving us to the prom.  Should I ask her out and if so what do I do, do I have her drive or my parents?
                                                           Karl in Fairfax
Me: Karl, if this girl likes you, the she likes you for you and not a piece of plastic that enables you to drive.  If she is a date-worthy girl, let her know the predicament.  Communicate.  I don't see anything wrong with letting her drive.  Parents may be a bring down.
Cocky: BAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Karl, you can't take advice on the prom from the Godfather.  He never went to his prom.
Me: Well, Cocky, that is because my conservative school didn't offer prom.  We had a banquet on a riverboat with the faculty.
Cocky: And you didn't go to that!
Me: Well, no, but to attend you had to be a junior or senior or faculty member at my school and no one from the other grades could attend nor could anyone from outside our school.
Cocky: But you didn't go.  Karl, get your ass down to the DMV yesterday!  Get that license.  A girl won't care if you drive a piece of shit.  All that matters is that you have the car.
Me: Cocky, that's sort of contradictory coming from you.  I don't think I have ever seen you driving.
Cocky: Well when I was in high school, I had prom and I took my dates to the after party in my T-Bird.
Me: Dates?  And you only took them to the after party?
Cocky:  Yeah, I skipped the prom and took my ladies straight to the after party because that is how I roll.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I have a friend that has a blog entirely devoted to her vag!na and I really want to ask her out, but because of this blog I am unsure.  I also have a had time saying the word vag!na or the variations there of.  Don't get me wrong, I have losts of feelings for them, first is sheer adoration.  Like most guys, from emerging from one at a fairly early age I've spent a great deal of time and effort trying to become re-acquainted with them - not the original.  Do you guys have any thoughts? 
                                                          Ham Wallet Lover in Hennepin
Me: I hope you know that your feelings for that part of the anatomy are normal and healthy for a straight male. Make sure your time and effort are spent romancing the lady attached to said hoo-ha so you have a better shot at going forward with your desires.
Cocky:  I understand the need to censor yourself when it comes to the vag*na. That is why I always use the good old standard "meat canoe." I recommend to slyly approach that lovely lady you see and introduce yourself politely, followed with the phrase, "Do you have a mirror in your pocket?" If she has already heard that one and answers for you with "Cause you can see yourself in my pants?" Be sure to quickly retort: "No, cause I heard you are doomed if you look at Medusa directly so I want to be ready when I meet your mom." High five the bartender then go home, but not before you stop at the naughty store and pick up some Asian cheerleader porn.

Oh and if you don't like time-stamping please don't tell me to quit xanga on my blog.  It's time-stamping.  Please, don't be like some mental deficient bloggers out there by reporting me to xanga for harassment because I time-stamped and you can't wrap your small mind around that.  Just block me and unsubscribe like a normal person.  Dang, I shouldn't have written this, Prince Zuko and the vegetarian vampires may attack me.

If you have any questions send them to advicewithcocky@gmail.com or send them to me here at Xanga.  Also the first two brackets in my Tournament of Randomocity have been closed.  Thursday at 11:59 CST, the other two brackets will close so make sure you vote. 

Paleontologists Discover Skeleton Of Nature’s First Sexual Predator

9/11 Conspiracy Theories 'Ridiculous,' Al Qaeda Says

Obama Promises To Stop America's Shitty Jobs From Going Overseas

So here is this week's batch...I hope I am not getting too predictable or boring.

I am not fond of rap.  I will listen to it but only certain rappers.  I am not much into the mainstream anymore unless you count Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg circa 1993 still mainstream.  Going through this list of the 25 worst rapper names made me laugh.

I've made mention of many celebrities who have given their children horrible names.  I think in tomorrow's celebrity round up I have a new entry for this list of the 20 most bizarre names of celebrities' children.  The list is old so Bronx Mowgli didn't make the number one spot.

Do you enjoy science?  Do you enjoy making things?  Well here is a list of 5 deadly sci-fi gadgets that you can make at home.  I am glad I no longer teach science because that Tesla Coil would make for an interesting class experiment.

When I was a freshmen in high school, I went to a private school situated a few blocks from the Mississippi River.  It was a great campus and there was quite a bit of wildlife, especially squirrels.  Then as the weeks progressed there were less squirrels.  It wasn't until later that I realized that maybe they were serving us squirrel in the cafeteria as something they called "loose meat sandwiches".  Well for anyone in college or that is planning on college, here is a list of the campuses with the most squirrel activity.  You have been warned so plan accordingly.

Here's some more Yahoo Answer nonsense.  I am not going after the Biblical aspect of the question.  Read both responses.  The first one provides a 2x4 of truth upside the head and the second one provides some comedy gold.

Note to self, take only ONE Viagra from now on....not that I take Viagra.

Google Search, you never cease to amaze me.  You can correct all my mistakes.

Remember when Chuck Norris was cool?  Remember when he was a total badass?  Well now he is a litigious old man.  I still remember when he was on The Colbert Report and thought these things were the funniest thing ever.  What happened Chuck?

The economy has been tough on all of us and one area people are cutting back in is their alcohol consumption.  If you are on a fixed income use this trusty little calculator to see how much beer you can afford and determine the quality of beer you can afford.

I can't believe this is the third part.  I am sort of curious where I can rent it. 

Last week I posted a link to a news story were a woman was injured in a homemade sex toy accident.  Well they should have viewed this site(NSFW).  Who knew bean bag chairs could be so much fun?

I now know the answer to the most pressing question in mankind. 

I love Daft Punk and I love getting down to their music.  Hey J and Croatian Sensation, remember the Campbellsport Kid's wedding dance and the fun that transpired when we played "One More Time"?  Anyway here is some fun you can make with the voices from that one song...can't remember the name but in my version it goes Better Our Work Is Never Over

So this dude wrote a letter of resignation to his workplace and instead of putting it on a piece of paper, he wrote in delicious frosting on a tasty cake.  MMMMM...resignation...if I only knew how to bake.

Twitter Links:  I keep saying that I want to get a Twitter account and I think this one is going to put me over that edge.  It's not the real Christopher Walken but it is hilarious because I imagine Christopher Walken says stuff like that.  Oh and here is Lindsay Lohan's Twitter as well as her lover Sam Ronson's.  And if Twitter wasn't confusing me enough here is Secret tweet which is just like Twitter but it's anonymous.  And if all of that wasn't confusing enough, here is a video about Twitter from Current, the Al Gore Network(can you tell me what the title of the video is parodying?).

I was an avid professional wrestling fan back in the mid 80s through late 90s. I found this video of one of the worst jobs in racial profiling.  The dude isn't even Hispanic.

SWEET!  Break out the speed bags!  I am surprised this wasn't asked at Yahoo Answers.

Finally I found a site that is going to enable me to build my army but only for the warm months.

This is a review of a barber shop, a barber shop I will never frequent especially if there is any truth to that first review.  I can't believe a barber would touch the sideburns without asking.

I read this story about Michael Jackson and my first reaction was shock but then I realized it was Michael Jackson so I should have seen it coming. 

Dear readers, I have something to tell you....

Attention, Beyonce fans, stop listening to her music if you do not want to end up a drooling dullard like that girl who reported me for harassment on Xanga because I timestamped my advice column and she said I was naughty because I kept talking about my pirates.  I have also noticed that the Prince Guko lover has been leaving some AWESOME comments on other Xangans sites.  Anyway, I'm better and needed to vent.  Beethoven fans...keep it real!

I was going to do a special celebrity round up edition but I figured this would be better: celebrities that were cheerleaders in high school or college.  I hate that Minka Kelly made the list because that photo is of her character from Friday Night Lights...I am a nerd and I'm a little bit rowdy R-O-W-D-Y a little bit rowdy...hey I was special cheerleading coach when the head cheerleading coach couldn't make it.

This has to be one of the funniest Craigslists entries I've read this week.  It also seems like a very active hobby.

This guy has made some interesting sitcom charts.  This one is a map of the U.S. showing where all the major sitcoms have taken place.  Check out his others. 

That's it for this week.  I'll have the results and next round of my Tournament of Randomocity posted tomorrow as well as the Celebrity Round Up, which may be late because I have finally made some time to see Watchmen.  Look out Desert Star Cinema, I'm coming and am notorius for sneaking contraband inside theaters.  Remember, I am the guy who is serving a lifetime ban from a Culver's fast food restaurant in beautiful downtown Wisconsin Dells.  Oh and if you actually made it all this way, I have something to tell you...