It's time for another advice entry.  Time sure has flown by this week.  It has been a dreadful week as far as weather goes here in Lake Wobegone...

WTF!  Garrison Keillor tried to hijack my blog.  No mas, old man!  Go take your Lutheran jokes elsewhere!

Now, Garrison Keillor free...thank God.  Cocky and I are back to answer your questions about life, love, and all things in between.

Time for another round of advice with me and my cock, Cocky McCockburns

Me: Are you ready, Cocky?
Cocky:  Cocked, locked, and ready to unload some advice

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Where do you come up with your ideas?  I mean you seem like such a creative person so I would just like to know when and where do you get these ideas?
                                                                  Courtney in Rhode Island
Me: Well, Courtney, you actually have me blushing.
Cocky: Are you sure that isn't because of broken capillaries from drinking?
Me: Actually I get ideas all the time for writing and one of the things I recommend is carrying around a small not pad with you because you never know when the creative bug will bite.
Cocky: You never take a note pad with you into your throne room.
Me:  Ugh...that's because I am "reading" in my "reading room".
Cocky: Yeah.."reading".  Look Courtney, I find the best thoughts come post orgasm...hahaha come

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Will the Minnesota Vikings ever win a Super Bowl with Brad Childress as a coach?
                                                                    Kachino in Montreal
Me: That is an interesting question.  Thank you for submitting.
Cocky:  Interesting?  You have to be kidding?
Me: No, Cocky, the Vikings are perennial contenders and with the weakened NFC North they may have a shot.
Cocky: And I may just go have a shot of your Fighting Cock bourbon.  Listen, Kachino, the Vikings will win the Super Bowl under Childress as soon as I start laying eggs.  Ain't gonna happen!  He's too weak of a leader.  Besides the brains behind the operation in Philadelphia was Andy Reid.  GO EAGLES!
Me: Cocky, you're an Eagles fan?
Cocky: Eagles, Cardinals, Falcons, Ravens, Seahawks....I support my own.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
How do I make sure Sarah Palin never makes it to the elections in 2012?
                                                                            Misuriver
Me: The first thing I would suggest is that you petition your senators and representatives to propose legislation that would expel Alaska from the United States thus by making it a foreign nation which would mean Sarah Palin couldn't run for office.
Cocky:  What a smart man!  You bitch and whine about gas prices just imagine how bad they will get if we eliminate Alaska and the Goddess of the North.  Oh she is so fine.  She makes me get up each morning and perch on my wood. 
Me: Cocky, you really didn't answer the question.
Cocky: MMMM bringing down a moose...snowmobiling...dress wearing...turkey pardoning....I am in love!  Ok, want to get rid of Sarah Palin?  MITT ROMNEY 2012!!!! Embrace it, love it, sniff it...oh yeah he smells like money.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
This isn't so much a question but a statement that I would like to read your opinion on the matter:  I believe our society is consumed with voyeurism and we shouldn't complain when the studios feed us reality TV or the Britneys or Parises of the world because we enjoy watching trainwrecks.  Take it away guys.
                                                                          Abel in Arizona
Me: I believe you are touching an exposed nerve here.  There is no lazier television than reality television and we only ask for more when we watch that crap and not quality programming.  This is why Arrested Development is off the air as is Studio 60 and just another reason why Friday Night Lights and 30 Rock are on the chopping block.  People have historically always slowed down to stare at the car wreck on the highway.
Cocky: If some network or studio tried to feed me Paris or Britney, I'd send that shit back to the kitchen because I don't eat crabs...but I would enjoy dining on clams...OH SNAP!  Give this cock a hand slap!

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Sometimes I feel that the people closest to me are actually the ones that I want to avoid. It's not that I hate them. I just feel that whenever I try to bring up conversation topics that I feel are worth talking about, (like politics, history of the universe, underlying layers in deep movies, etc.) it goes right over their heads. Where are all the dreamers and thinkers?
                                                                       Jenny in Hillsboro, WI
Me: It is certainly difficult when you have friends that you hold near and dear, but you feel that you can't have meaningful conversations with them.  Probably most of the time you are with these friends you are at social functions like parties or relaxing at the bar or restaurant after a long day of work.  People really don't want to dive into heavy topics after a hard day's work. They just want to dive into their Moons over My Hammy.  They don't want to leave their comfort zone.  One thing that you could do is set-up a specific get-together that is intended for political discussion.  Not like a book club but something like the old thinking depots of yore.  This could persuade people to come out of their shell and talk about the things you want to discuss.
Cocky: BRAVO!  Why don't you just have a Keith Olbermann viewing party?  You could take a shot whenever he does an aside to the camera or talks in a funny voice or makes a reference to sports or how evil the Republican party is.
Me:  Well what is your suggestion?
Cocky:  Clearly, Jenny, you aren't the alpha female in the pack that you run with.  Why don't you hate them?  Punch them in the throat if they don't want to talk about what you do.  I guarantee a punch in the throat will do the trick but of course it may be some time before they start talking.  You ask where all the dreamers and thinkers are?  Well you are in Hillsboro, Wisconsin.  They are at the Kwik Trip at 229 Mill Street.  There are only 5 of them there in Hillsboro.  They usually hang out behind the dumpsters smoking Kools and you can find them most every night.  They hold their discussion groups on Thursdays at 8:30PM, rain or shine.  You should be careful because the big one, the one they call Roscoe, he tries to play grab-ass with new members.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Who is the greatest character in a movie or TV show about the Old West?
                                                                             Shane in Tulsa
Me:  I am not much of a fan of the old westerns that you saw on tv or in the theater.  I do however enjoy the new westerns such as Unforgiven, the remake of 3:10 to Yuma, Open Range, The Assassination of Jesse James, and the HBO series Deadwood.  My favorite character would have to come from Deadwood, Al Swearengen.  You root for him despite his being labeled "the bad guy". 
Cocky:  Two words...Rooster Cogburn

Me: No surprise there.
Cocky:  There he is enjoying the Fighting Cock, did you know they originally intended to name him after my family name, McCockburns, but they thought it was too ethnic-y. 
Me: So what about Cockburns Port?
Cocky: Same family...when they arrived that Portugal's version of Ellis Island they made them drop the Mc.
Me:  I wish they would have done that with the fine Scottish restaurant called McDonald's.
Cocky: Just get rid of the entire chain?
Me: Yes, it is deplorable with the working conditions and health care.
Cocky: But where would you take your dates?

Well that is it for this week.  Make sure you vote in my Tournament of Randomocity(you can vote more than once just like the presidential election).  I will have the second half of the first round up sometime tomorrow.
And if you have any questions for me and my cock send me a comment here or you can email Cocky at advicewithcocky@gmail.com.

I should have done this one earlier in the day when I was attempting to set up my tournament of randomocity(I love making up words).  I couldn't get the HTML to work and then when I copy and pasted to a word file it magically appeared.  I was so upset.  I actually deleted the first post and started from scratch.  Now it is up and by clicking on this link, you can read briefly about the tournament and then click on the other links to vote because I am letting my readers determine the outcome of this tournament. 
Here is your dose of motivation:

So, I am not agreement with these.  I received them in an email and I posted them so I guess that means I shall be crucified.  And one of those, you have to understand a little bit about the TV show Deadwood.
Cocky will be back tomorrow.  His email actually works: advicewithcocky@gmail.com
Did you vote yet in the Tournament of Randomocity?  If not, then I will timestamp the hell out of it.

March Madness is upon us so I am attempting to have my own tournament. 

There are 64 entrants and four brackets just like the NCAA tournament but only this contest isn't predetermined by ESPN or the mafia. 

The brackets are: Animals, Bands, Movie Badasses, and Random.  I didn't have the patience to create my own bracket so what I have will make do. You will be able to vote as many times as you like.  In this entry I will only have the first round of two brackets, the animal and band brackets.  Then later this week I will post the other two brackets and next week, depending on voting, we will move on to the second round and the round-table discussion will begin.

Now for the Animal Bracket Match-Ups(if your favorite animal isn't listed or you don't like the pairings, complain here)

#1 Black Mamba vs #16 Titmouse

Animal Bracket 1vs16 

#8 Tiger vs #9 Lion 

Animal Bracket 8vs9

#4 Scorpion vs #13 Kangaroo

Animal Bracket 4vs13

#5 Wolf vs #12 Koala

Animal Bracket 5vs12

#2 Grizzly Bear vs #15 Deer

Animal Bracket 2vs15

#7 Cat vs #10 Dog Animal Bracket 7vs10

#3 Eagle vs #14 Beaver

Animal Bracket 3vs14

#6 Warthog vs #11 Penguin Animal Bracket 6vs11

Band Bracket(These match-ups came from me pressing shuffle on my juke-box
#1 Pink Floyd vs #16 Bananarama

Band Bracket 1vs16

#8 The Rolling Stones vs #9 Led Zeppelin

Band Bracket 8vs9 

#4 Weezer vs #13 Dead Kennedys

Band Bracket 4vs13

#5 Radiohead vs #12 ZZ Top Band Bracket 5vs12

#2 The Beatles vs #15 Starland Vocal Band

Band Bracket 2vs15

#7 Phish vs #10 The Flaming Lips

Band Bracket 7vs10

#3 The Beach Boys vs #14 Pantera

Band Bracket 3vs14

#6 The Doors vs #11 Wilco

Band Bracket 6vs11

Make sure you vote and vote often!  Sorry if your inbox is going mad with these entries, I am having a hard time editing.

So I am not doing the power rankings tonight because I was going to unveil my tournament, my feeble tribute to March Madness.  I have yet to find a website that will host online voting or polls.  I actually haven't been looking because I am wondering if people would vote in this tournament.  Oh yeah, did I mention that you, my faithful readers, determine the outcome of each match-up?  Yes, it is a grand-scale effort.  I have 4 brackets, 64 entrants, and a round-table discussion group to analyze match-ups. 

One reason why I haven't done the work is that I am not feeling my best so that is why you got a survey earlier.  Also I am trying to erase from my memory a conversation my dad had with me yesterday.  I was eating lunch with my parents and enjoying some Salisbury Steak and freshly baked bread.  It was quiet.  It was spitting ice and snow.  My dad blurts out, "My balls are really swollen."  Apparently that is a problem he has been having with his kidney failure.  I stop eating and set my utensils down.  He asks, "Have your balls ever been swollen?"  GOD!  I wasn't about to discuss my nether region with my father especially not with my mother in the room.  He then goes on and on about all his ball problems...I lost my appetite and have been hearing that phrase, "My balls are really swollen," over and over in my mind. 
I should have said, "Yes, dad, my balls have been swollen but not since high school when I played football and one day I forgot to pack my cup with the rest of my gear and I got a knee in my groin.  It was excruciating pain.  My balls turned into grapefruits.  I couldn't wear jeans because when I sat down the enormity of my fun bag put too much strain on my pants and they ripped.  Yes, dad, my balls were so swollen that they caused me to split my pants in the crotch.  Did I quit playing football?  Well just that day.  I went out and bought an extra cup so I would never forget to protect my balls.  The sad thing is, dad, that my balls were still swollen the next day so I had to wear sweat pants to school and then when it came time for practice I had to wear two cups because my original cup floweth over.  Yes, dad, my balls have been swollen so can I enjoy this wonderful meal and stop talking about balls."
Now if only I had the...balls...to actually say that.

Anyway, if I can get the voting stuff set up, the first two brackets will be up tomorrow.  I'm going to go unwind and try to sleep.

I haven't done one of these in quite some time so for the benefit of my newer readers here are 100 questions about me.  I also am looking for a way to erase my memory of something that happened this weekend and delaying another entry that I want to make that will take some time to work on.

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
On my right middle finger I have two scars, one is from when I was about 5 or 6 and I tipped over my big wheel and it crushed my finger and the other is from my senior year in high school when a dog bit me

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
paint, heads of deer that my grandfather shot

3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?
I probably snore but I have been told that I talk and laugh

4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
I listen to most anything other than country...well modern country

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
That isn't my earliest memory but I have been told that it was early in the morning like 1 or 2

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
A big bag of money that is so heavy I have to drag it with me everywhere I go and the bag has to have a giant dollar sign on the side

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
Love, Cop Rock, New Ulm

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)?
my special purpose, my Blazer

9. HOW TALL ARE YOU?
6'2"

10. ARE YOU CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
In certain situations like in an elevator

11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
not really except when I am watching some sort of horror movie

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
ah, that I can't remember but the last thing to make me cry was that Christian the Lion video

13.WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
that I will never succeed and sometimes it looks that way, dying alone

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
I am not that picky but I do hope they would have eyes but hair may be optional

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF PROPOSING AT?
Someone was an English major...actually have thought this through, it would be my favorite spot but I can't give it away in case my future wife would be reading this

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
I used to guzzle energy drinks but now I drink coffee

17. FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
pig or cow

18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
I have a craving for some cookie dough

19. FAVORITE COLOR OF ALL TIME?
I like navy blue

20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?
those little crackers I hope so yes

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECEIVED?
a Nintendo back when I was 10 or so because it helped me develop my hand/eye coordination

22. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?
not really

23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
note anymore, the arthritis has set in

24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
I detest brands

25. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE FEMALE/MALE CELEBRITY?
Doris Roberts, Edward Norton, Franke Potente, Seth Rogen

26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW?
Yes

27. WHAT KIND IS IT?
2 cats

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
That may be out of my control

Where's number 29? Ooops.

30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED.
79...the old football number

31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
I have never dated a blonde so brunette?

32. FAVORITE QUOTE?
"God rest the souls of that poor family... and pussy's half price for the next 15 minutes."

"Pain or damage don't end the world. Or despair or fucking beatings. The world ends when you're dead. Until then, you got more punishment in store. Stand it like a man... and give some back."

"In life you have to do a lot of things you don't fucking want to do. Many times, that's what the fuck life is... one vile fucking task after another"

“America... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesmen with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.”

33. FAVORITE PLACE?
Like I said before I can't give it away, possibly when it's not underwater...Devil's Lake

34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA?
Even though I am an American, yes I have been.

35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
a wink and a smile

36. MET ANYONE FAMOUS?
Scottie Pippen and Sean "X-Pac" Waltman

37. FIRST JOB?
lawn care specialist

38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
I used to call a local 9 hole golf course asking if Tiger was there

39. DO YOU THINK EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS A SOUL MATE?
well personally I don't believe I have one and if I do I have already met her and lost her

40. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT?
listening to Bob and Tom

41. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY?
yes

42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
that I am funny...probably looking, a little old lady at church said that I was very intelligent

43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES?
no

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
restored health, vigor, and a return to my youth

45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT AND THEIR NAMES?
I don't really think I want kids but if I did have them they would have strange names...Atia, Octavia, Lucius, Kramer

46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
no

47. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST TURN OFF OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
fat guy hatred, full of herself, obnoxious, nipple hair

48. WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU LIKE ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL?
forced infidelity?  actually it would have been German or state football championship game

49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?
I get a shampoo that describes my demeanor..Suave

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
I cannot write any more so I print and I think it rocks because I am breaking out the old Denealian writing style even though I never was taught that style

51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
corned beef

52. ANY BAD HABITS?
nails, at times I have a high opinion of self, I no longer smoke or drink heavily

53. ARE YOU A JEALOUS PERSON?
Isn’t everyone a jealous person in some respect?

54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Hell, no!  I'm a massive tool

55. DO YOU AGREE WITH FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS?
I've never been in that situation so I can't condemn it because if given the option I might say yes but I equate sex with love so it would be too much of a mindscrew

56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
I bitch that they shouldn't but that is because I am a minger

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
I used to drink and get in a batting or pitching cage, I developed some great pitches to relieve my stress, now I write or I get out the guitar

No 58?

59. WHAT'S YOUR MAIN GOAL IN LIFE?
to be happy

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
I loved G.I. Joes and matchobx cars

61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
I think about 60 but it seems that my directory is a sausage fest

62.WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID?
He was just a fossil that had yet to have its DNA replicated

63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
No, why would you think of such nonsense

64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?
This is the most difficult question, if I could select which ones I would have to go with these instant four cheese potatoes which sometimes serves as my meals

65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
humor, intelligence, taste in music

66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
Tiny, Tank, Wurm, Sheisskopf,

67. FAVORITE SUPER POWER?
I would want invisibilty

68. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?
Freaks and Geeks, Deadwood, Rome, Sopranos, Seinfeld, Friday Night Lights...too many to list

69.WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH YOUR ENEMIES?
Kindness kills

70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough or whatever ever Culver's is pimpin' on a particular day

71. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES?
just because I live in a rural area and have worked on farms doesn't mean I am lacking any digits

72. DO YOU HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR ROOM?
no

73. PLANS FOR TONIGHT?
since it is almost 12, reading and sleep

74. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO LIVE WHEN YOU ARE OLDER?
I want to live on a deserted island

75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
not unless they want to

76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO
Bob and Tom on the TV

77. LAST THING YOU DRANK?
Powerade

78. ?

79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Eyes or smile.

80. WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME?
Xanga?  write

81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE?
PARIS HILTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

82. FAVORITE SEASON OF THE YEAR?
spring or fall

83. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF CANDY?
right now it is Dr. Pepper Soda Poppers

84. HAVE YOU EVER REALLY AND TRULY HAD A BEST FRIEND
I have

85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?
it varies, today it looks rather dark brown but yesterday it looked a little dark blonde but thinning

86. EYE COLOR?
gray

87. SHOE SIZE?
17

88. FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE?
I would have to say Culver's or Burger King

89. FAVORITE RESTAURANT?
It's a local joint none of that chain stuff

90. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?
I don't have any sushi places near me and the Chinese buffets have bastardized sushi which is disgusting

91. WATCH TV TODAY?
Yes

92. FAVORITE DATES OF THE YEAR?
dates on a Friday night which are non-existant

93. PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS?
I play piano, cowbell, and guitar and right now I am learning to play the electric triangle so I can do some wicked solos, I am also developing a new game called Cowbell Hero

94. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT?
Aren't they the same?

95. KISSES OR HUGS?
Kisses are electric but hugs are comforting

96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
Relationship.

97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?
Coke..the pop

98. WOULD YOU EVER BE A HOUSEHUSBAND?
I am hoping on marrying a doctor or lawyer so that I can become one some day

99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
Deliver Us from Evie

100. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE:
Dead

OK, there you go, enjoy this look into my life.

I am way late with this.  I went out to the old haunted bar last night with J and the Croatian Sensation and had a blast.  Just talking with the owner and the bartender made it so memorable.  That bar is like Cheers because they know my name but there aren't any hayseed bartenders or postal workers on the verge of a killing spree so win some, lose some.  I got home late, checked xanga and tried to read posts and then I crashed on my floor and had cats crawling all over me all morning or at least I think they were cats.  I am trying something new this week.  One story is completely fabricated.  Can you guess which one?  Also, this week's Round Up is 100% Mickey Rourke free.

Zach Morris and his freaking huge cell phone turned 35 this week.  35?!?!?!? How is that possible?  I see him every day and he is still in high school and only about 17 or 18?  Syndication rules because if they never get older then I never get older.

Then I remember Mark Paul Gosselaar was in NYPD Blue so I watched an old tape of that and he aged somewhat but this is what Zach Morris looks like today.

I now longer have my ice cream cone fetish.  So Vince Vaughn is getting married to some real estate agent.  Who the hell is that desperate for marriage that they would consider marrying Vince Vaughn?  Oh...sorry, Jennifer Anniston.

Here's a little something for the ladies.  Tom Brady briefly appeared on a balcony probably after enjoying his honeymoon bed with Giselle Bundchen.  Yeah they got married so both of them are of the market.  Anyway Tom is looking pretty out of shape but that is based on his playing fitness.  I guess I would be out of shape as well if I only had one functioning leg.

Here we see Tila Tequila auditioning for a new reality show or maybe she is demonstrating how she got her previous shows.  Actually she is leaving an L.A. Chinese restaurant after dining on the cream of some young guy.  Strangely, you don't need any reservations if you choose to eat your meal in the alley behind a dumpster.

The Bachelor...how many of you were let down by that crap?  I knew how it ended weeks ago and was actually anxious to see how it played out.  Jason, the douche I mean bachelor, picked Melissa to be the winner and whom he wanted to date but then he brought her on national TV and dumped her.  She called him names and then he brought out the second place chick, Molly, and asked if she wanted to get together and she said yes.  Too bad Jason's asking her to be his new girlfriend was pretty much staged since he had been cheating on Melissa with Molly for quite some time.  Remember reality shows are taped months prior to the actual airing.  Honestly ABC is probably the puppetmaster and staged all of this.  They need the ratings so what better way to do it then mess with the heart of a little boy...did I mention that Jason has a young son who grew attached to Melissa?   Anyway ABC needs to pull an Old Yeller and put this show out of its misery either that or get a bachelor and contestants that have actual acting ability.  Seriously, Jason's acting ability and his whole demeanor on that show made Teddy Ruxpin look like Oscar winner Phillip Seymour Hoffman.  Sigh...I can't believe I spent so much time on this crap.

Here's a little something for the ladies.  That is Simon Baker changing after a game of soccer.  Maybe I shouldn't say "a little something".

This is a recent picture of Rihanna.  Rihanna bikini photos can't be beat (too soon?).  For some reason it doesn't look like she had the living snot beat out of her by a lunatic boyfriend suffering from roid rage.  More on that later.

Here we see Paris Hilton in deep thought as she eyes up her new boyfriend's ass.  Given Paris' history with men maybe she is playing the home edition of Guess the Ass.  I pose a question to you, my dedicated readers:
What is Paris thinking:  A.  Those jeans are baggy, I wonder how fat his wallet is...or...B.  Is it too early in the relationship to ask him for a Cleveland Steamer (the definition is so clean and technical)?  I'll let you answer that in your comments. 

The economy is bad and I know it is extremely bad when Paris Hilton suffers.  She took her brand new Pepto Bismal colored Rolls Royce to have a new dashboard installed because factory dashboards suck.  She was going to have a $300,000 diamond encrusted dashboard installed but she couldn't afford it so she had to have one installed that only cost $150,000.  I can't budget $40 for a Wisconsin hitch cover for my Blazer.  To truly improve her car, Paris needs to tie herself up in the trunk and drive it over a cliff.  That would help everyone.

Octo-Mom may be actually hitting the big screen and not in porn which I haven't heard if she has turned down that offer.  Anyway, someone videotaped her giving birth her octuplets and is currently shopping the video all over.  Right now the highest bid is 7 digits.  That is gross, I bet they had to get Eli Roth to film that ordeal.

Be careful, Chris Hanson has to be hiding behind the bushes.  Miley Cyrus and her boyfriend were photographed jogging and Miley was displaying her bikini top.  I wonder if Justin has to register every time he moves or leaves town.  He says he loves Miley but it's still a felony.  Miley was criticized not only for displaying the goods but also tipping off the paparazzi before they went jogging.  She said she is upset with the overreaction because they were washing his car and just needed to get some supplies so that is why she had a bikini on underneath her clothes.  Miley, you're the face of DISNEY not Vivid(nsfw).  I feel for Justin, he's just trying to participate in America's national past-time, plowing underage girls.  What?  Don't believe me?  You should have seen some of the stuff Ben Franklin wanted put in the Constitution.

Thome Yorke=GOD!  Yes, I love Radiohead and my love for them is undying after a story surfaced from the Grammy's involving Miley Cyrus.  Miley claims that Radiohead is one of her musical inspirations although when asked by a radio show host she could only name one of their songs, Creep, a song they RARELY play live anymore since MTV raped the hell out of it.  She went backstage at the Grammy's and requested to spend time with Radiohead and then pose for pictures.  Thome Yorke replied, "We don't do that."  Miley then listed all the other bands she had her pictures taken with that night and Thome slammed the door in her face.  Miley went on to say: "If someone, like, said that, like, 'I would cry if I met them. I really want to meet them,' I would freaking, like, run and, like, give them the biggest hug in the world because that's cool, you know?  But they were like, 'We don't really do that.' I had already texted all my friends! They don't meet one little kid who would cry and make their life? That's the reason you do this!" she exclaimed. "The reason that I'm in the business is because I like making people happy and it's, like, I don't get people like [Radiohead]."  If she claims to know Radiohead then she wouldn't have asked for a publicity stunt in the first place.  They even told Kanye West to beat it at the Grammy's.  Do most kids talk like that?  With all the "likes"?  If I had a kid and that is how they talked it would drive me crazy....hmmm maybe that explains Michael Jackson speaking of whom...

Michael Jackson announced that he would be going on a comeback tour although no dates were announced or locations.  Rumor has it that he is going to refuse to play any shows in the U.S. and this will be concerts in Europe and Asia only.  It looks like Michael made a comeback with plastic surgery.  Do you like the new butt-chin?

Former NFL star and current NFL commentator, Michael Strahan got so jealous of his exgirlfriend that he installed GPS tracking devices in her car.  When she took her car to have the oil changed, one of the workers found them and asked if she wanted them removed.  Michael was displaying stalker-like tendencies because she was cheating on him with some music executive which is why they broke up.  He just wanted to monitor her comings and goings but mostly her comings.  Michael should have just been up front with her and asked this question but he would have to change one word.

M.I.A. gave birth to a son and it was rumored this week that she named him Ickitt but she struck out at those rumors on her myspace by saying it wasn't true and she didn't want to gain publicity for naming her child something so ridiculous.  For a second Bronx Mowgli, Audio Science Clayton, and Pilot Inspektor were happy that they might not have the strangest names but then they started crying.

This is Melissa Theuriau.  She is a French newsanchor and journalist.  Is this just a harmless public poolside bj or could her friend have been bitten by a snake and she is sucking out the venom with her butt in the air?  That is a question for the ages but why is he watching the laptop?  I am now considering a move to France.

This is Megan Hauserman.  She is known for posing in Playboy, dating a nerd on Beauty and the Geek, and being on every single VH-1 reality show.  Her gimmick for the reality shows, she only wore bikinis.  Her last VH-1 appearance was on the Charm School reunion where Sharon Osbourne slapped her, threw wine in her face, and pulled out Megan's weave.  Well Megan is trying to get the last laugh.  She filed lawsuit against Sharon for battery, negligence, and emotional distress.  EMOTIONAL DISTRESS?!?!?!?!?!?!  This was the chick that looked under Brett Michael's bandanna.  That is emotional distress. 

Shocking news!  Megan Fox faked her split with Brian Green because her photos weren't selling.  So the brainiac decided to break up with him to generate publicity.  I am devastated but it's nothing that a pint of ice cream and a Sarah McLachan cd won't cure.

For the ladies...I am all about pleasing the ladies this week.  Anyway this is Matthew Goode.  He plays Adrian Viedt/Ozymandias in Watchmen.  Apparently some messageboard fanboys have been criticizing his being cast as Viedt.  How did Matthew respond?  He said they could all line up and suck his dick one by one.  You know, Matthew, you shouldn't threaten some of them with a good time.

This is Malin Ackerman.  She is in Watchmen as well.  Here we see her trying to get out of a car while not wearing any underwear.  That Watchmen movie doesn't need any more exposure.

Madonna was spotted with Jesus at a gay bar in New York City.  They were dancing and suddenly a Britney Spears song started playing and Madonna freaked out.  Jesus parted the sea of people and Madonna stormed to the DJ booth and demanded that they stop playing Britney.  They obliged and Madonna spent the rest of the night making out with Jesus.  Strange but I thought Madonna was converting to that form of Judaism, Kabbalah.  Oh and when Guy Ritchie was asked about Madonna and Jesus, he referred to her as It.  Maybe he is telling us something about her steroid abuse.

Lou Reed turned 67 this week and he urges all of us to take a walk on the wildside and the girls will sing, "Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo,Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo"

While it looks like Madonna is leaving Judaism for Jesus, Lindsay is attempting to convert to Judaism for Sam.  She wants to prove her love to Sam by converting to Sam Ronson's religion.  That's devotion.  Once Lindsay learns she can't devour hog or pork, she'll be bck to shaming herself in the name of Christ.

Lily Allen took photos of herself enjoying a rack of ribs.  I wonder if she could get that whole thing in her mouth at once.  Never have I wanted to eat ribs more than I do now.  Last week she announces she's a plushy and now it looks like she could be into sploshing or maybe feeding.  That girl is kinky.

Wow...K-Fed is looking huge these days.  Maybe he is beefing up for a tour or maybe it is some deep-seeded emotional problem after he appeared on WWE and they said he was a stick boy so now he is lifting weights like mad to boost his confidence and muscle structure so that he could compete in WWE one day...no, he just eats at Old Country Buffet like a lesbian on speed.

Coming soon to TLC...Jon and Kate Plus 8 Minus Jon.  He was visiting his mother in Pennsylvania last weekend and he ended up at a frat party and got very familiar with a few of the girls at the party.  The next night he was spotted drinking quite heavily at a bar and then some of the local college's volleyball team showed up.  He started dancing with them and grinding on them .  Finally he took this picture with the two team members he left with.  When they left they were all making out with each other.  Can you blame Jon?  Just watch five minutes of their show and you will know why he wants to get drunk and make out with college girls.  You only put up with Kate for five minutes, he has to spend every minute of his day with her.

Dancing with the has beens has suffered a loss.  Jewel hurt her knee in training for the show.  Jewel will be on the first episode to announce that she is dropping out and producers have replaced her with Holly Madison.  At least the got someone who has credibility in giving blow jobs in a parking lot like Jewel did in her early career.  There was another woman that is being replaced on Dancing with the Stars but I have no clue who she is or what she does so maybe that is why I affectionately refer to this show as Dancing with the Has Beens.  Steve Wozniak will win the whole thing.  Anyone who takes a piss while standing on a Segway is a winner in my book.

GIGGLE GIGGLE GIGGLE GIGGLE GIGGLE GIGGLE GIGGLE GIGGLE I won't say anything about melons because I don't want to get slapped by Jessica Alba.

David Faustino turned 35 this week as well.  Why are all the child stars of my youth aging so horribly?  Grand Master B, please don't hurt them and stop getting old.

Speaking of aging horribly...MC Hammer did a concert in one of my hometowns a few days ago.  Did you know that M.C. now stands for Move the Crowd?  I didn't know that until I saw it in a local paper.  This is an actual shot of M.C. Hammer performing at the Kalahari Resort christening their new section of the indoor water park.  You know you are at a low point in your career when you perform for opening night of an indoor water park and a show in Wisconsin Dells is your biggest gig in months.  OK I have to give Wisconsin Dells credit.  It used to be the place where bands got their break.  Cheap Trick, Steve Miller, and Boz Scaggs were all acts that played in the Dells and then got their break into the business.  Now the Dells is where acts go to die. 

Betty White made news this week.  She is suing a beauty saloon or whatever you call them these days.  She went in for a wax, a Brazilian to be exact and well, I don't know to put this delicately, but they ripped off more than hair.  Betty was hospitalized and is currently in stable condition but her "love life" is in critical condition.

Annalynne McCord is making a triumphant return to the Round Up.  In the first photo she is demonstrating how she got her role on the new 90210.  I doubt that is the case because look at the teeth.  OUCH!  Then in the next photo we see that Annalynne had a mishap with a tanning bed.  Maybe she should sue like Betty White.  Or maybe she just hasn't had a bukkake session like she is used to because I hear that semen is good for the skin and hair and also lessens the chance of breast cancer.


The dark haired cross dressing guy, well he's Adam Lambert and he is one of the top 12 contestants on this season of American Idol.  I think we have found the candidate for Vote for the Worst.  I remember when that one girl had semi-nude photos released while she was on that show and basically got voted off the next night.  What are these going to do?  I mean he looks like in that first photo that he is barfing rainbows down that other guy's throat.  No wonder there has been so much sexual tension between Ryan Seacrest and the cast this season.

Chris Brown is back with Rihanna, in fact they are so back together that they apparently got married last week while hiding out in Miami at Diddy's mansion.  Chris has also been working in the studio on his next album.  I wonder what that will be about and if it will actually sell.  I hear that one song will be a cover of Michael Jackson's "Beat It".  He was arraigned on Friday and is facing two felony counts, one for domestic abuse and the other is for a threat.  When Rihanna got free of the car, he screamed that he was going to kill her.  I hope he gets locked up.  Oh, I refused to post his photos that were taken of him this week frolicking on a jet-ski because he called a paparazzi photo agency to let them know where he would be.  That is sick.

Amy Winehouse finally left St. Lucia after a long vacation*cough cough detox cough*.  So she was sober for a few days and decided to head how for Jolly Old England.  After the plane took off all hell broke loose and Amy started drinking and got quite drunk.  She began running around the plane and screaming at the other passengers who dared to look at her.  I am thinking Amy needs more than detox or rehab; she needs an exorcism. 

Britney Spears' new tour kicked off this week in near her hometown in New Orleans.  The concert was not a sell-out which she expected because it was her hometown, y'all.  Thankfully her kids didn't die, there were no fires, and the voices in her head were kept to a minimum thanks to Britney's new all Cheeto diet.

Here is the official tour t-shirt complete with faux arm tattoos.  I don't mind the art work on the shirt but those fake tattoo sleeves are really annoying.  I probably wouldn't use that to wipe the oil off my dipstick and I mean nothing sexual by that.

Britney also had a photo session this week because she is the new spokesmodel for Candies.  She looks so thrilled to be taking those photos.  I wonder when Cheetos will finally land her to be their spokesperson.

I leave you with a video from last week's Rock of Love Bus.  I don't know why but this video cracks me up.

Sorry I didn't get these posted last night.  I was enjoying my last post.  I am thinking Cocky will be coming back next week.  By the way, his email actually does work...hint hint.  So here are this week's links.

Horror movies really have a predominate audience.  They are geared for young males.  Sometimes in those horror movies they slip a lot of homo-erotic situations.  Here is a list of the 5 most unintentional gay horror movies.  Strangely there are no remakes on that list but then I think any remake is pretty gay especially the recent Friday the 13th and this new Last House on the Left.  Nothing will beat the 1972 version...nothing.  Another form of media that has a lot of homo-erotic tendencies is rap music.  Once again it is geared toward young males.  Here is a list of 11 unintentionally gay lyrics from rap.  This is sort of funny because every time Jerry Springer has a rapper on his show that rapper turns out to be gay or dating a she-male.

I have struck out against Scientology on my site numerous times, mostly in connection with Tom Cruise.  Here is a list of some Scientologists that hide their beliefs.  The Bart Simpson one is hilarious because it was this summer that the voice donated her entire salary for the year to the Church of Scientology.  Good thing The Simpsons will never go away so she won't be out a job.

Here is an act that is going to be appearing at a nursing home near you.  Seriously, ladies, you can book them to perform for one of your parties.  This page actually gives me hope that one day I can be a sex symbol. 

Sweet jumping Jesus on a pogo stick, I HATE NANCY GRACE!  Does the term, "Innocent until proven guilty," mean anything to you and your piled up hair?   Here is a clip from her show that is an epic failure.  I bet that guy is no longer with Headline News and more than likely knowing Nancy, he is no longer living because she sucked the life right out of him. 

Can't get enough of the Watchmen which opens today?  Well here is the supposed arcade game from 1985 featuring the characters from the movie and graphic novel.

This may be a gag gift but it would be the perfect gift idea for the person who has everything.  That sort of reminds me of a plumber from back where I lived in Minnesota.

Is it me or is this the most pointless game I have ever seen on the internet?  Sure it has kick ass music but the graphics are horrible.

Do people seriously eat this stuff?  If so I think pork brains does qualify as the worst food in the world.  This makes my mom's threats of cooking tongue when I was a child seem not so bad.

Is it me or is Twitter nothing more than the equivalent of the pulse on Xanga or the status on facebook?  Well something facebook and xanga don't have that twitter does, 44 actual porn stars who use Twitter.(Maybe NSFW since they are porn stars but no major nudity)  Another Twitter account I have found is one supposedly belonging to Shaq who had to twitter about his recent visit to Cirque du Soleil.  No one ever accused Shaq of being a smart man.

Here's a creepy site, this site allows you to see what sort of devastation certain types of bombs would unleash upon different cities.  The fun part is typing in your zip code to see the how large the damage would encompass.  My little town would be vaporized by every single bomb.

Here's a fun game called Globetrtotter.  It's that one where you pin the flag where you think the city is located. 

God, I am such a nerd.  I took these two quizzes over at mentalfloss and I got perfect scores on each.  I need to break away from The Simpsons but...I...can't...here's the guest voice quiz and the softball episode quiz.  Softball episode has to be one of my favorite plus they had Terry Cashman(I love how he does a song about basically every MLB team but what about the Brew Crew?  RedSox is my favorite version of course) do the end credits song. 

I used to spend a deal of time on youtube before I started making friends, AWESOME friends, here on xanga. Some of the video blogs over at youtube are excellent.  Now if I had only known about this guy's blog, I would have never stopped smoking.  He has 6300 videos and each one involves him smoking a pipe or a cigar.  That is the best idea for a blog.

I remember talking about old Atari games and this week I found a website that features some made up Atari games.  The sad thing is, I would love to play the majority of those games. 

Best question ever asked...I am now a better man for knowing all of that.

If I was a baseball player and my team traded me for a shipment of bats, I probably would have reacted in the same way but much sooner.  I really feel for that guy.

I don't fear death because when I am dead I will cease to feel pain or worry what others think of me.  That being said, I wonder if I could hire this lady to work my funeral.  I can't believe there is an actual charge called "disrupting a funeral".

From time to time I enjoy a Krispy Kreme donut but it isn't that often that I get one.  When I have had them I have never felt the sensation in this ad.  now...Kwik Trip donuts...that's a different story!

Who Wants to be a Millionaire was a great show but I think Double Dare was much better.  That being said, I think Slumdog Millionaire would have swept the Oscars if it was Slumdog Double Dare. 

Craigslist...you never fail to disappoint.  Exercise equipment never seemed so interesting until I read this.

I knew waiters pulled some horrible pranks on difficult customers, but farting on people?  OK, farting on Jennifer Love Hewitt is hilarious.  Best quote: "You HAVE to fart on the Ghost Whisperer!"

Here's a little treat from the good folks over at adultswim: the best moments from Brian and Stewie on Family Guy.  My favorite moment is #8.  Mr. Furley...awesome!

Oh I mentioned Atari earlier so here are some Atari games that you can play on your computer.

I can't believe that so many people have commented on a gallon of milk at Amazon.  Check those comments out, they're HILARIOUS!  My favorite: "Has anyone else tried pouring this stuff over dry cereal? A-W-E-S-O-M-E!" 

Well that is it for this week.  I hope you enjoyed.  I'll hopefully be back later tonight with my Celebrity Round-Up

There seems to be four formulas for writing blogs on Xanga.  One formula is to present a situation or story and then to ask a question of the readers.  Another formula is the rant.  Some people are quite excellent with the rant and this is all they blog.  Another formula is the artistic post.  People write stories, poems, post music or post artwork that that they have painted.  The final formula is the advice column.
The first formula isn't quite my style.  My professors in college, doctors of education, said it was great to ask children questions and let them find the answer for themselves but you need to provide guidance and not just stand back and let all hell break loose.  Rants are great and I have tried them but usually I rant when my blood pressure is high or I have had about enough of idiocracy in my life.  Art isn't my thing.  I struggle with creating anything that might be called artistic.  I think writing or comedy is my art and that has been called into question. 
So that leaves me with the advice column.  It's simple, just like me.  I am going to attempt an advice column however I cannot do this alone.  I scoured the internet looking for a writing partner but my quest turned up nada.  I was sitting in my living room when the perfect candidate popped up.  I hope my co-author will rise to the occasion and give you much pleasure.

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and fellow Xangans, I now expose my co-author of this new advice column....

Me: Cocky, are you ready?
Cocky: I'm cocked, locked, and ready to unload some life-changing advice.
Me: Alright, on to the letters...

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I am only 19 and I love politics.  However whenever I get into political discussions with older people they laugh at my because of my age.  What can I do to be taken more seriously in the realm of politics?
                                                                 Sarah in New York
Me: Good question.  I might say that even though the old men run this country people your age are the ones voting and whose opinions truly matter.  I could also suggest going to eBay and try finding campaign shirts from some of the past candidates for president and then studying up on that candidate so that people may question why are you wearing his shirt.  I would go with Ross Perot, that would get a lot of those older people guessing about you.
Cocky:  What?  Perot?  What you need is Sarah Palin schwag and lots of it because she is our nation's future.  SARAH PALIN 2012!
Me: Cocky, I thought you were a Bush supporter.
Cocky:  Yes, in more ways than one.
Me: Cocky, let's keep this PG-Rated.
Cocky: OK, the next time an old fart questions your age, you punch them in the throat and scream, "Did you mess your Depends, you old fart."

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
My 14 year old son is starting to date and I am afraid to talk to him about sex.  I'm a single mother and his father, well he shouldn't be allowed to speak to anyone about sex.  I don't want to be a grandmother before I have grey hair.  What should I do?
                                                                  Mary in Minneapolis
Me: This is a tough subject to bring up with your child but you want to be open and upfront about sex.  Tell him about it as soon as you can.  Discuss stds and protection.  I might also ask your father to come in and talk to your son.  Another thing you might want to think about is making protection available.
Cocky: YOU BLEEDING HEART FAIRY!  Lady, you set the child down and lock him in a room and force him to watch Busty Cops and Busty Cops 2.  Then if he is all about the sex, you slap in a David Lynch movie and that will confuse the hell out of him and you won't ever have to worry about having grandkids.  Still if the kid is gung-ho for an over and under make him do a Google image search of Herpes.
Me:  Shouldn't she provide some information and discuss it with him?
Cocky: No, you learned about sex from a "hands on" approach and you...turned...out...fine.  Didn't your dad put a box of Penthouse Letters and Hustlers in your room when you were at an impressionable age?
Me: And our next letter...

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
When is the best time to study?
                                                         Seamus in Boston
Me: Well it varies from person to person but I would recommend finding the time in the day when you are at your proverbial best.  For instance when I was in college I couldn't do any homework before 9PM.  That was jsut how I rolled.  Sure there were nights when I was up until 2 but it worked best for me.  Also, do your work in a place that is conductive for study.
Cocky: I'm at my best in the morning.  That's when I do my best work.  Conductive for study?  That's coming from a guy who spent the majority of every night in a semester studying at a Perkins.
Me: Well it gave me the opportunity to also study people and how my classmates acted outside of campus.
Cocky: LOAD OF SHIT!  You just studied the waitresses in their oh so tight pants and you even failed that class. 

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
About three years ago, my husband and I bought an above ground pool for the kids.  They love it and I have to admit it is a blessing on those summer days when the temperature gets above 80.  The problem is my husband.  If he isn't in the pool swimming, he is cleaning it or tinkering with the filters.  I can't spend all my time with him out by the pool because by the end of summer I'll look like a lobster!  What should I do?
                                                                          Barbara in Baraboo
Me:  That is a tough question.  I would be upfront with him and tell him that he is spending too much time with the pool and not with his spouse.  You might want to get rid of the kids for the night and have a pool party of your own and talk things over.
Cocky: Can you believe it?  The Dallas Cowboys released Terrell Owens.  What team is going to sign him?  I can't stand that guy.  The most disruptive, pass-dropping machine in NFL history.  He's a bigger cock than I.
Me: Cocky, Barbara asked us a question. 
Cocky:  OK...pool...summer...husband...tinkering...lobster...here's what you do; you disassemble the filtration device and place each piece leading to your bedroom and then you are waiting in bed with the last piece and when your husband comes in dumbfounded as to why his wife is lying naked on the bed with a disassmebled pool filter, you say, "Hey, big boy, why don't you take out that stick and measure my ph balance."

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I'm ruined!  My boyfriend, well my exboyfriend, and I were intimate one time and he begged me to let him photograph me nude and performing certain acts on him.  Now a friend told me that he saw those pictures I took with my ex were on a website.  What should I do before I kill myself?
                                                                            Beth in Marion
Me: Now, killing yourself isn't the answer.  First, contact the website and ask them to take down the photos saying that they were placed there without your permission.  If they do not respond, inform them that you are under the age of 18, that should get them moving.
Cocky:  Before you report the website you may want to send me the link so I can investigate the reputation of this website to make sure it is reputable and will listen to the email the God-mother advised you to send.  I would also urge you to send your photos to me at advicewithcocky@gmail.com so I may keep them safe and out of the hands of websites and perverts.
Me:  Cocky, that isn't what she should do.  She shouldn't be sending those pictures to anyone else.
Cocky:  But I am trustworthy, you freak.  She said she performed certain activities and I want to know if I could date her because before going into a relationship it is nice to know if a girl knows how to handle a cock.

Me:  If you have any questions for Cocky and myself, you can email them to--
Cocky: Me at advicewithcocky@gmail.com
Me: OR send me a message here at Xanga.
Cocky:  Also if you have ever posed nude and want your photos kept safe make sure you email them to me at advicewithcocky@gmail.com
Me: Cocky, you are such a dick.
Cocky: Wrong!  I'm a cock.

Me: So I guess what I am saying is that if you find this funny and you want me to write more, send me some questions.  They don't have to be heavy topics.  You could also recommend so that your friends may enjoy the advice that me and my cock dispense.
Cocky: Whoring yourself out again!  Let's leave the people with what they truly want to see...ME!

Today was nice.  I sat back and relaxed and got caught up on my sleep.  I also did some work on my forthcoming posts.  Tomorrow, maybe.  I need some more polishing on the advice column because it is putting me in a position that I have never have done.  I am hoping it works out but it depends on the reaction.  I still have to go pick up my Blazer.  I tried baking.  It didn't work because the cookie mix I had was too old so instead of rising they just spread out and are about as flat as communion wafers.  Oh well, I am going to attempt to make some peanut butter cookies one of these evenings.

I was reading a post on pick-up lines and it reminded me of some that I gave you a long time ago.
"Space-time isn't the only thing that is curved."-Albert Einstein
"Fetch me some calomel, Ms. Hemmings, I think I may have come down with jungle fever."-Thomas Jefferson
"How would you like to be Beethoven's fifth?"-Beethoven
"You know, there are certain things I could eat during my hunger strike."-Gandhi
"Your palace looks like it could use a sturdy column."-Julius Caesar
"United we stand, divided we fall...catch my drift?"-Abraham Lincoln
"Baby, you're the bomb."-Harry S Truman
"Your name must be Grace because you are irresistible."-Martin Luther(yes, all my years of theology are being put to use in writing a pick up line for Martin Luther)
"Come with me and I'll make you the Princess of Wails."-Prince Charles
"I'd like to drop anchor in your lagoon."-Magellan
"Avast! Prepare to be boarded."-Blackbeard
"I like my women like I like my DNA: unzipping my genes."-Linus Pauling
"Let's have a debate: I'll be a cultural relativist and you can adopt the missionary position."- Franz Boas(I didn't know this guy until tonight but I found that pick up line so I had to use it. He proposed the theory of cultural relativist)
"Yes, I am proud of helping to repeal the Stamp Act but I'd rather repeal that dress from you." Benjamin Franklin
" If you sign this non-aggression pact I promise to only blitzkrieg your western front."-Adolf Hitler
"Stalin means “made of steel”.  I didn’t get the nickname for my ruling ability."-Josef Stalin
"You’re making a Civil Rights Movement in my pants." Martin Luther King Jr.
"You’ve seen my face on Mount Rushmore, but wait till you see my face when I mount you."-Theodore Roosevelt
"Actually, the happiest place on earth is my bedroom."-Walt Disney
"The President’s Council on Physical Fitness and Sports recommends you “workout” vigorously with me 3 to 4 times a week for at least half an hour."- Arnold Schwarzenegger
"When I said, “I’ll be back,” I was giving your booty fair warning."-Arnold Schwarzenegger

Here are some St. Patrick's Day pick-up lines:
"You don’t need a four-leaf clover to get lucky with me."
"Do you have a little Irish in you?  Would you like some?"
"May I dip my finger in your pot of gold?"
"I might be as tall as a leperchaun, but I’m hung like a unicorn."
"I pinched you cause you’re not wearing green, but I’ll pinch myself if you come home with me tonight."
"I banished all the snakes in Ireland…except for the one in my pants that I saved for you."

Now for the reason why you sometimes stop by my blog...

Well I hope you got motivated. I am feeling it so I may actually go try out those pick-up lines.  I bet if I found a drunk girl at a bar I could convince her that I discovered DNA or that I am a great reformer of the Christian church.

My day was fun.  I woke up this morning and almost choked to death.  See, my sinuses are so messed up.  I no longer have runny noses.  Well I do but instead of going down my nose the way that everyone is accustomed to, they run up the nose and into my throat and I collect all that mucus and snot and junk when I sleep.  Fun times.  Then I went out and did whatever and while I was doing whatever I had to take my Blazer to the local farmer's co-op to have them check out the brakes.  I need new brakes on all four sides.  I am doing half now and half later.  Anyway I figure I am going to have to pimp myself out to women to raise money for my brakes. 

Another week of power rankings is on the way.

#25.  The Economy -7000pts
The economy sank to the lowest levels in 12 years.  Everything sucks.  Homes values plummeting.  Unemployment skyrocketing.  Banks being closed.  What the hell is up?  Great Depression part Deux?

#24.  The Amish 354pts
I can say whatever I want here because they can't read this.  HAHAHA!!!! I have fully harnessed the power of TECHNOLOGY and no am planning on using against the Amish!!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!  Sorry, I went into my mad scientist phase.  Actually I am hoping they start posting the ads around town looking for "neues Blut".

#23. 80s Music 375pts
As a child of the 80s, I have to say I enjoyed some music from that time period although the hairstyles and fashion were horrendous...the music, AWESOME!  Want some?  Click here...

#22.  Frank Sinatra 382pts
This guy is the epitome of cool.  I so want to emulate his turning 4 years of actual work into a 40+ year career.

#21.  Family Guy 385pts
I didn't know whether I go with Bryan Adams or Family Guy.  I went with Family Guy because Stewie does a stellar job of singing the sappiest song in the history of music.  Na-na-na-na-nuh jokes on you!

#20.  Mash Ups 392pts
One song is good, two songs is better, what about both those songs plus others possibly mixed together?  Fan-fucking-tastic!  I used to sit around and play multiple cd players just so I could find a possible combo to mash up.  I never made the masterpiece that got me famous.  I wish I had thought of this one.

#19.  Vodka 402pts
Still hanging strong.  Now and me that Shaker's or possibly the Karkov but not the Popov because filtering through a Brita pitcher can't make shit taste like crap.

#18.  Jackass  412pts
Still makes me laugh after all these years.  I wonder if they are ever going to give it up.  They probably don't have many years left with all the abuse to their bodies some of which is courtesy of the Miller Brewing Company.  MMMM Miller High Life...Champagne of Beers....bottle rockets attached to a tallywhacker..you won't see that on Masterpiece Theater. 

#17.  Iron Chef Japan 415pts
The mother or father whichever way you look at it is the best cooking game show ever.  I do hate Fine Living Network refusing to show any episodes from the second, third, or fourth season.  I think I know the outcome of every single episode they currently air.

#16.  Duke Basketball  419pts
Duke righted the ship with three big wins last week however sophomore Nolan Smith is out indefinitely with a mild concussion suffered in a win at Maryland.

#15.  Medical Marijuana 420pts
I think this should be made legal throughout the country and while they're at it they might as well just legalize it all together and tax it and maybe that way people won't be so upset with the state of affairs in this country and also it might remove the sticks from some people's asses.  Oh and my appetite has returned.

#14.  Davy Crockett 444pts
Hey, all due respects, this guy shot himself a bar when he was only 3.

#13.  Guy Fieri 453pts
This guy is annoying as all hell.  I'd rather tear my finger nails off with a flathead screwdriver than watch one of his shows.  So his name is Guy Fee-air-ee but the Food Network pronounces it Guy Fee-et-ee.  Yes, those Italian names are quite confusing. 

#12.  The Wheel of Fortune 464pts
G_   _uck  _ourself  _ _ (the answer is at the bottom)

#11.  March Madness  471pts
Stay tuned for a special announcement concerning the March Madness that will take over the blog.  It may have to replace the Power Rankings for a few weeks.

#10.  Arthritis 478pts
This bitter scourge rears its ugly head and harms millions of Americans.  It makes me forgo some of my favorite activities like tightening screws around the house, using tweezers, cursive writing, kick boxing, football, and dialing the phone.

#9  Martin Luther 95pts
Those 95 points are some of the most powerful points in the world.  People need to learn church history and understand the balls this guy had going against Rome.  I went to a high school and a college named after him.  When I would say Luther High or the college that bears his name people would ask me what it was like to be the only white guy at my school.  I would play along and say it was hard and it was very difficult to be a minority. 

#8.  Guitar Hero 483pts
This game proves to countless youth around the globe that by clicking and pressing buttons that they can play guitar.  Serious conversation from this last Sunday after church:
Kid: Hey, Matt, I don't need guitar or drum lessons anymore.
Me: Oh yeah?  Why not?
Kid: I have Guitar Hero and I can play on expert level.
Me: Yeah, you're set.

#7.  Deutschland 500pts
Meine Familie kommt aus Deutschland. Ich bin nicht völlig deutsch, aber es ist mein Vaterland. Ich genieße deutsche Kultur, Musik, Sprache und Nahrung. Ich versuche, nicht an die Geschichte zu denken. Ich koche bald Bratwurst.

#6.  Octo-Mom 14pts
She is so going to do porn and because she is such a fan(read:stalker) of Angelina Jolie the movie that Octo-Mom will do is going to be titled Womb Raider.

#5.  Culver's 553pts
I love this restaurant.  Culver's is a fast food restaurant that is slowly spreading out of the Midwest all over the country.  Their food features never frozen beef and they cook those burgers in butter and it hardens the arteries.  Culver's is best known for its ice cream...NO!  It's frozen custard.  Every Culver's location has a flavor of the day and each location will vary as to what their flavor is.  I grew up near the very first Culver's and we would go there on Sunday afternoons and wait in line an hour just for a dish of the flavor of the day frozen custard.  That is some great stuff.  You can learn more about Culver's here. 

#4.  "Theology of the Cross" by Daniel Deustchlander  587pts
If you call yourself a Christian, you need to read this book.  Buy it here. 

#3.  Homophones 600pts
Their are words out they're that have to meanings but sound alike.  Your probably confused about my spelling but this is my reminder too you to make sure you double check you're type because it's going to speak for your intelligence.  Now, I'm going two eat a caret in my birth on a train and then I am going too by that book that I featured in number for.

#2.  Oral Sex 6900pts
Holding strong at #2 and finally cracking the power rankings...I'm naive but doesn't oral sex refer to talking about sex?

#1.  Xanga Friends 1,000,000pts
You guys rock!  79 new friends this week!  But my comments are down...why?  My views are up because one of my videos got linked on The AV Club's tribute to Conan O'Brien.  The same video was also linked to numerous hockey forums, stumbledupon, and the official website of the California Angels of Aneheim.

Thanks for putting up with this week's power rankings. 
The answer to the Wheel of Fortune puzzle:  Go tuck yourself in.
Tomorrow I hope to post my first ever advice column with a co-author.