Phallic Potato

Phallic Potato

I have a potato that looks like a penis. It might look like a finger but I think it looks more like a penis. I think it could be worth some money on ebay but I'm not good with the internet so I'll just trade it for something else. I have no use for it. I am happily married. So if you would like it and have something to offer lets meet. I'll be the girl with with the potato.

Thanks
Susan

I normally would post this in my Lukewarm Links post on Thursdays however the last couple of weeks I had more craigslist finds and when I went to post them the ad had expired so I figured trying the old copy and paste.  Enjoy.

So I hope everyone is having a great day.  I've noticed that there are flame wars going on here in Xangaland the past few days.  Hopefully none of you are fat, burqa-wearing Asians because you would be pretty offended.  I have been toying with the idea or writing a satirical blog on the whole burqa wearing thing but I have backed off because I am a blogger of insignificance.  Oh well.  I teach an after-school Bible study for kids.  We have been watching some Christian style cartoons and then discussing them.  Anyway today after we finished watching, we went into the church basement for some sugar and sugar water.  One girl starts talking about how she wants a muffin.  I thought that was odd because I didn't bring any muffins for their snack.  Well I opened the lid and they were all moldy and gave off a horrible stench.  And you know what?  I didn't throw them away.  They are sitting next to the sink that is filled with dirty dishes from some other party.  I think it is about time I wield my power and have a chat with people at church about leaving food out and not cleaning up after themselves.  Time for this week's motivation.

Well I think I am motivated to go finish a couple of those applications.  I also have the craving to watch one of my favorite movies of all time.

"Alright, alright, alright...That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age."

Ah...I'll just go back to my insignificance.

People say I’m indecisive, but I’m not sure what I’m gonna do about it

People say I'm a skeptic, but I don't believe them

People say that I’m apathetic, but I don’t care.

People say I'm too sensitive, and it really hurts my feelings

People say I have a good sense of humor, and I don't think that's very funny

People say I'm paranoid, but that's because it's all part of their plan

People say I'm too accepting, and I love them for that

People say I'm ignorant, but I don't know what the hell they're talking about

People say I'm blind, but I just don't see it

People say I'm creepy, but I like that blue shirt you're wearing

People say I don't make sense, ting-a-ling ting-a-ling!

I had one of these about being forgetful, now where did I put it?

People say that I don't finish things that I sta

People say I look like:

Celebrity chef, Mario Batali...sans the Crocs

Local funny man, Chris Farley

Legendary funny man, John Candy

The Numa Numa guy

Tom Selleck...well maybe just the fur coat.

I am noticing a correlation between the first 3, maybe 4.

So what are people saying about you?  Who do you look like?

After many weeks of voting the winner of the Tournament of Randomocity has been decided and the winner is....

(You know I should have just found a track of a drum roll instead of holding down Enter)

Thanks for all who voted. A cat winning a tournament that had Pink Floyd, Darth Vader, and ice cream is a true testament to the democratic process.

I will be working on my next tournament sometime in the upcoming weeks.  I am tentatively calling it Battle of the Bands.  I look to have four brackets but I haven't determined how to group them. I think I have one bracket determined but I am still iffy.  I need 128 bands which shouldn't be that hard but if any one has a band they want to see in the Battle of the Bands let me know.  Stay tuned for further details.

I was planning on having this up sooner but we had some thunderstorms sweep through the area.  I guess that is a sign of spring although there were a few times this winter when there was thunder in the snowstorms.  My cats were horrified and huddled at my feet.  Now I understand that term Scaredy Cats.  Time for the round up.

Tim Gunn of Project Runway was recently interviewed and he talked about why is he still single.  He said with his schedule it isn't fair to the other person because of how busy he is and he admitted that he hasn't dated anyone exclusively since he was 26...HEY!  We have something in common although I don't think we date the same type of person.  Basically both of us need to get into a relationship and make it work.

This is a recent photo of Sarah Jessica Parker.  WOW!  What a beauty!  I am so glad that she will be starring in another Sex in the City movie.  I hope they don't change her make-up from what she is currently wearing or digitally enhance her to look presentable.

Here is an early image of Russell Crowe in the upcoming Robin Hood movie.  They did a good job making him look presentable.  Too bad Great Clips didn't exist in the days of yore because that is what his haircut is screaming.  You know they should just scarp that look and deck him out like the Errol Flynn version complete with bright green tights.

The little girl is Rubina Ali.  She was one of the little children in Slumdog Millionaire.  This week her father was arrested for attempting to sell her.  They did a sting operation because there were rumors that he was going to film studios in India asking for $200,000 for his daughter.  Thankfully she is now away from him.  After reading this I wondered if she got paid for her role.  Well producers set up trust funds for the little children in that movie.  I am surprised that Angelina Jolie, Madonna, or Octo Mom...oops, I mean Octo Crazy hasn't adopted her yet.

Robert Smith, lead singer of The Cure and not to be mistaken for a former Minnesota Vikings running back turned doctor, turned 50 this week.  He was in one of my favorite South Park episodes as well.  It's good to see that he is still maintaining that youthful make-up look.  I bet on his birthday, he didn't cry because boys don't cry.

Rihanna hosted Katy Perry in Barbados this week.  Hopefully Katy is telling Rihanna to ditch Chris Brown and to give that kissing girls thing a try because she may like it. 

This week on American Idol, Simon told us what he thinks of new judge Kara DioGuardia.  they need to go back to 3 judges because the new judge is just as cliche as the other 3.  They should keep Paula because she has been on her best behavior this season by remaining sober.  She still does an annoying dance during certain songs but thankfully cameras switch away from her when she dances.

OK...guys...who would you rather do?  Rosie O'Donnell or Angela Lansbury?  It's not even close....ANGELA LANSBURY!

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner were photographed coming out of an office of a sex therapist.  Their spokesperson claims they have been seeing a famed therapist for a while now because Jennifer wants to save their relationship and she has trust issues and Ben has insecurities...small penis?  Anyway, the legendary sex therapist that I am can give this couple two hints: more oral sex and Jennifer to keep been from straying you need to dress up as his one true turn-on, MATT DAMON.

Well I guess that puts an end to those rumors that they are breaking up.  Grocery shopping together is a sign of a happy marriage or for me in the suburbs it was a way to make the moms check me out as I was doing comparative shopping and when they saw my cart filled with Chef Boy R Dee and pudding snacks they would ask if I had kids to which  I said no and they walked away.  Anyway it must have been an off week for news at Us Weekly.  I bet the next thing that will be reported about these two is when they have their bowel movements.  Oh that's right, they don't do that because they are perfect, but if they did, they would use the Love Toilet which was featured in a classic Saturday Night Live skit.

Sure Carrie Prejean lost the Miss USA pageant because of her controversial comments regarding gay marriage but she didn't lose totally because she is dating the human/dolphin hybrid Michael Phelps.  This makes me want to question her about her views on legalized marijuana.

Hey did you read my Lukewarm Links?  Not many people did, but I posted a link to Courtney Love's Twitter.  In one of her tweets she basically called Pam Anderson trailer trash who couldn't get a credit card.  Um, Courtney?  You have a negative credit score and you're going to be wearing a pirate hat soon. 

Here is a recent photograph of Brooke Hogan and her new boyfriend Stack$.  Yes, his name is Stack$.  I bet that is his X-Box gamer name or whatever the kids call that.  I am sort of thankful that Brooke broke the family tradition of dating someone that looked like a family member.  Also judging from this pic, we sort of get the idea who the top is in that relationship.

Brooke was also photographed at Stack$'s CD release party...so that is why he is into her.  She said that her dad's comments about being like OJ were taken out of context and that everyone focused on those words.  You know, she is right.  Only once in that 7 page article did the Hulkster imply that he wanted to kill his ex-wife, so just lighten up.

I need a new summer look and I think I have found it.  This week Dog and his crew were out to catch a criminal and as they went to apprehend him, the criminal shot at Dog.  The TV crew didn't catch any of it on tape.  The guy got away temporarily and he was caught at a Toys R Us.  In the criminal's defense, he was probably terrified of that mullet.  I know if I saw that coming at me I would pull out my piece and start blasting.

True Blood fans this is for you.  Evan Rachel Woods is going to be an addition to the cast of True Blood next season.  She will be playing some sort of Vampire Queen from Louisiana.  She looks like she sleeps in a coffin and she has the acting skills of a person that is void of internal organs and she dates Marilyn Manson.  In other words, she has been perfectly cast for this part.

You know I need to go into the fashion business because I am sure I can make trash bag dresses just as nice as the one Fergie was seen wearing this week.

George Takei of Star Trek fame turned 72 this week.  Oddly that was the closest he's been to a pair of breasts since he his birth.

OH MY GOD!  Paris Hilton was photographed this week getting out of a car without flashing her vag and to think it is springtime.  Underwear is so a winter fashion accessory.  People, the apocalypse is upon us.

Paris was also photographed with her boyfriend Doug Reinhardt at an evening concert at the Coachelle Music Festival.  Ah...remember when Coachella was actually cool and free of moronic celebrities showing up as publicity stunts?  That was like 2 years ago.  Paris is wearing sunglasses and a bikini top at a night concert.  I am just surprised she didn't hire a town crier to go ahead of her ringing a bell and saying, "HEAR YE!  HEAR YE!  YE TOWN STRUMPET PARIS HILTON HAS ENTERED THE GENERAL VICINITY!"

Michelle Rodriguez went nuts at a bachelorette party last weekend.  A male stripper was dancing for the ladies and Michelle started screaming that the dancer's dick was too small and that small dicks make her bisexual.  I really don't understand that so I won't say anymore on that.  I hope Michelle's performance at the actual wedding is just as good as her performance at the bachelorette party.

Here's a shot of what Cobra Commander will look like in the new G.I. Joe movie.  I really don't think that is a good look...wait, that's just Michael Jackson going over some last minute preparations for his upcoming farewell tour.  Based on this photo, that should be one scary tour.

Meryl Streep will be playing Julia Child in an upcoming movie called Julie & Julia.  Supposedly it is about a blogger who makes Julia's recipes from one of her cookbooks over the course of a year and will cover Child's life in Paris while her husband was in hiding for his alleged ties to Communism during the McCarthy commie witch hunt.  They may as well hand Meryl Streep the Best Actress Oscar now.  I would probably go see this movie if they talk about Child's spy career.

In divorce papers it was revealed that Mel Gibson has been keeping a love suite at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills for quite some time.  He and his Russian model girlfriend even had access to secret entrances in the facility.  I think I have said this before but ladies, if your husband builds his own personal church on your property, it isn't because he is religious but because he has a lot of sins to confess. 

Sources close to Jennifer Hudson are saying that she is pregnant by her fiance who was on I Love New York and went by the name Punk and who is currently training to be a pro-wrestler in the WWE.  Ummmm Congrats?

Jessica Biel appears nude briefly in her new movie called Powder Blue.  I just saved you $10.  No, I'm not a hero.  Heroes are people who rush into burning buildings to rescue a mother and her two children and a cat named Snuggles.  Oh...I did that last week so I guess you can call me a hero.

Kelly Benismon, the lady on the left, was on Real Housewives of New York City.  I don't think she should have been on that show because her breasts obviously aren't real.  WTF!  They have failed her.  She probably needs a construction crew with a crane and a bulldozer to put on a bra.

Back by popular demand or at least one person asked...GUESS THE ASS!  This person just unveiled a new line of clothing that is intended for the larger women or the BBWs.  People claim that the clothing was for her but she denies it and claims to be a size 2.  OK, that is an easy one just from looking, you didn't need a hint.  KIM KARDASHIAN!

Now that Lindsay Lohan is no longer dating Sam Ronson, she has put the sideboob back on display in hopes of landing a new significant other.  All that's missing is a pole and scattered one dollar bills.  You know I make fun of Lindsay for stripping but this wasn't really surprising but she said that she will be going to Las Vegas to perform in a burlesque show with Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown.  Some how I always knew Lindsay's career would end up doing shows in Las Vegas.
 
The Lisa Rinna issue of Playboy hit the stands and my eyes didn't burn out of their sockets.  The most shocking thing about the issue was that in the Party School list, University of Wisconsin dropped to #6.  For years, Playboy never gave the UW a rank because they would always say that they couldn't rank professional partiers amongst the amateurs.  When I went to UW to take my tour and become acquainted with the school, I got so drunk the night before that I missed everything and while I was recovering from the hangover to end all hangovers I decided that UW wouldn't be the school for me if I wanted to learn something.  Anyway if you want to see Lisa Rinna naked, check out this site.

Guess the ass!  This crazy person claims to be from the future sent to the present to give us the future's music and fashion.  I can't stand her but I can't stop looking.  She's like a car wreck.  Lady Gaga.

This is what she looked like from the front.  My mom always taught me that if you can't say something nice then you don't say that someone looks like a transsexual hooker that stole Bette Milder's lips from Hocus Pocus. 

Lady Gaga has started trying to act British by speaking with a British accent and carrying a tea cup with her everywhere.  She refuses to talk about her tea cup other than to say that it contains ginger tea which is something real singer use to keep their voices from going hoarse.  I think she has really taken a turn for crazy.

Last weekend Madonna was thrown off a horse.  She claims that she was thrown because the horse got spooked when a paparazzo jumped out of some bushes and started taking pictures.  He claims that he did take pictures but it was before she got on the horse and then after she fell off.  Police confirmed that the photographer was correct and that Madonna was lying and that she just fell.  It's nice to see that even the animals hate Madonna.  Oh and notice that with this photo I didn't make any horse's ass jokes, you should be proud of me, I'm maturing.

Gwyneth Paltrow was talking about how she hates fat people but she has one friend who is fat and wants to change his life.  Yep, it's Iron Chef Mario Batali.  She said that their friendship is rocky because of his weight.  She paid $5000 for a gym membership in hopes that Mario lose weight.  Mario's weight is key to his success as a chef.  I was brought up to never trust a skinny chef.  Gwyneth is pretty subtle.  I wonder what a $5000 gym membership entails.  Steroids? Happy ending massages?  Coffee enemas?

Back in 2006, Matt Lauer's wife filed for divorce but they reconciled.  She then made a list of every single woman that Matt cheated on her with.  There have been rumors that she is getting ready to file and then release this list which could bring shame on a lot of people including in the world of politics.  I am beginning to wonder why she hasn't went full ahead with this divorce.  His prenuptial agreement must be more iron clad than a Panzer tank.

This week Amy Winehouse supposedly spilled a pot of boiling pasta on her leg.  I blame it on a faulty crack pipe.  You know running around with an open wound like that in the sunlight and in the sand must hurt like hell.  Wait, crack kills pain.

One of the reasons why Amy Winehouse is spending so much time in St. Lucia is that she hopes to adopt a child in that country and that by displaying good behavior in this current country may eliminate her past indiscretions.  The contest for the most fucked up children could soon commence.  In the other corner: Britney Spears.  One of her boys refuses to wear anything but girls' clothing and the other boy has been known to eat dog poop.  I can't wait!

Speaking of Britney's kids.  It looks like she got her youngest to wear some boy clothes.  But I'm looking at Sean Preston...I have one thing to say...YOU GOTTA WORK!

Britney has been telling people that her dad is drugging her to keep her away from certain people like her former manager and her exboyfriend Adnan.  She forgets to take her sanity medicine so he reminds her and he also slips it in her food.  So Britney is getting a double dosage of her medicine.  This cannot end well.

Video Section:
Who knew Jamie from the Mythbusters was such a dick?

Howard Stern released a board feed of a Beyonce Today Show performance.  This is hilarious!

Sometimes it pays to watch FOX News for bright spots like this.

This week I watched the Snakes on a Plane TV edit.  It was amazing how much they had to change it.

I hope everyone has an excellent weekend.

Sorry I didn't post last night but I think I was bitten by a zombie or contracted ebola because those are the only plausible reasons because of how I felt last night.  Anyway I am better.  Would have done this sooner but Xanga had maintenance today.  Hopefully that all worked out for them.

I was reading an article today about how apple seeds contain cyanide and eating an abundance of the seeds could kill you.  Well some people claimed it was a myth but it was true.  Anyway here are 7 food myths that people actually believe.  I love that myth about Twinkies.  I wonder how much that myth was accelerated by the Family Guy episode claiming Twinkies can survive nuclear holocaust or The Simpsons episode in which Homer says that when aged, the cream inside Twinkies ferments and makes a delicious alcohol drink.

I ride the fence about my desire for children.  One day I think I would like to have a little dullard version of me and then other days I think the greatest crime committed would be if I procreated.  Well I read this article about 6 things they don't tell you about childbirth and after I woke up from fainting I started researching vasectomies.  If only having children was as easy as this video.

You've seen plenty of commercials where celebrities endorse products.  Here are 5 of the most ill advised celebrity endorsements.  I find the Eric Clapton one hilarious.

I love movies and something when I read plot summaries I get the idea what the movie will be like.  Sometimes the summary isn't a good way to describe the movie because the movie is horrible.  Anyway here are some plot summaries that are very uncomfortable and would make me not watch any of the movies.

I was reading in ESPN Magazine about how a Japanese baseball team believed it was cursed because they threw a statue of Colonel Sanders in a bay near the stadium.  That got me thinking about how popular Kentucky Fried Chicken is in Asia.  Colonel Sanders has quite the following.

Have you ever wondered what a Japanese bird cooking spaghetti looked like?  Well here it is.

Fun games: Disorientation...now you can understand what it is like to live in the real world while taking LSD.  Sock and Awe...now you can be an Iraqi journalist and hurl your sandal at George Bush.  Even though it isn't a game, more of a quiz, it is fun to find out how long you could survive chained to a bunk bed with a velociraptor. I survived a minute and a half.

So MTV News is reporting that they are making a Hairspray 2 and from the sounds of the article it will be a darker movie.  Let's hope they get John Waters to bring his brand of absurdity into that movie.

WikiAnswers has given me two great questions:  Did dinosaurs wear wooden condoms and Is it better to poop before or after anal sex?  Look out Yahoo Answers, the idiots may be migrating to Wikianswers!

Twitter Links:  Not from Twitter but this screen shot proves that Shaq is not amused by Oprah being on Twitter.
Celebrity Twitters: Courtney Love, Lady Gaga, Yoko Ono, something about Bob Dylan's songs, and the craziest four entries in Twitter history from Joaquin Phoenix. 

This site isn't youtube, but if you want to watch something fun on youtube check out this video of the Leningrad Cowboys singing Sweet Home Alabama.  Thanks to MelFamy for sending me that link.  You revived my love of this group and the Red Army Choir.  I had a Russian history course and the professor played some music and I fell in love with the Russian style of harmonics.  Speaking of youtube, did you know they now feature movies, not good movies, but movies?  They have CLIFFHANGER!

This is a hilarious story.  I don't know how you could get fooled into doing this.  Maybe that is why when I go to restaurants I only sit at the bar or I only pay with a card.

You realize that in America we have such a wide variety of slang and sometimes it varies from city to city.  Well thanks to the Venerable one, he had this link posted from the City Dictionary describing a Brookfield Swirlie.  I thought that was actually the swirlie because that is what we did in grade school at the bubbler...yes the bubbler.  For some reason in certain places in Wisconsin the water has effervescence so there are bubbles amongst the water.

Remember my Tournament of Randomocity?  It's in the championship game.  Anyway one of the Movie Badasses was Mark Borchardt from American Movie. In that movie his friend is Mike Schank.  Mike has found some love in Italy.  Thanks to the Venerable one.

I am planning on doing a blog about this sometime this weekend but here are some slideshows of the most offensive signs found at those teabagging festivities.

Some businesses fail because they have horrible logos and here are some horrible logos.  Speaking of logos, zoom in a couple times on this logo and tell me what you see transpiring in the alley.

Chicago Public Radio has a weekly show called The Annoying Music Show.  Here are some samples.  Thanks to the Venerable one.

I was a former minister and I avoided the door to door missionaries at all costs because it usually ended with shouting matches or them condemning me to Hell because I drank Pepsi or PBR.  Well I wish I had this on my door to keep away those missionaries.

When we are young we sometimes do crazy thing.  Here is an article about the ten things that you do in your 20s that you will regret later in life.  But then I think I am still in my 20s for a brief period but my blog is slowly morphing into this one.

Have you ever noticed that some people look the same in every picture that is taken of them?  Well here are some photos in which the person looks the same in every photo.  Be careful, it could cause seizures.

Like it says, I thought this was something from The Onion.  I have heard of people getting busy in Burger King bathrooms(mini to anyone who gets the reference) but not orgies in a Taco Bell bathroom.   Why am I not surprised it is that couple who are up in arms about people having sex?

Methinks someone likes cilantro a tad bit too much.

Are you looking for a gym membership to shed that added winter bulk?  Well, check out this email exchange first.

Here's an interesting article from NPR about what would happen if Marijuana was legalized.

There are coaches out there who are good at firing up their players and then there is this guy.  He is coaching 6 and 7 year old girls soccer but what do you expect for a team called Green Death.

Here is a slideshow of some of the greatest pranks of all time. 

I think I saw this on Mancouch or the food ish site on Xanga but in case you missed it here is the actual article about the difference between the appearance of the advertised products and what you actually receive at fast food joints. 

It's springtime so that means romance is in the air.

I can't remember where I got this but here are the Top 10 sex laws in America.  Minnesota is part of #1, why do they have to take out all the fun of romance?

Although I don't drunk dial anyone besides my parents which has led for some interesting conversations, I think this would be an excellent service for US mobile phone services.

Let it load up and let Google Maps show you that it is perverted.

A new favorite blog, Look at this fucking hipster.  They aren't quite like the hipsters of Minneapolis who had lumberjack beards and wore flannel shirts and then to be ironic they wore the Keffiyehs. 

Well that is it for this week.  If you have anything you would like to share, send me an email.

Well Cocky and I are back for another shot at helping you with your questions.  It has been a long week and Cocky and I are both somewhat exhausted.  I have been ill and filling out applications to be a fulltime teacher once again.  Cocky has been sampling the the case of product the sponsors sent us this week. 

Me: Cocky, are you ready?
Cocky: Locked, cocked, and ready to unload.
Me: Good to hear.  How is the new sponsor treating you?
Cocky: My liver woke up next to me this morning, crying.  I missed sun-up.
Me: That's unfortunate.  What did all the hens do?
Cocky: Well, when they heard my liver crying, they just rolled over and went back to bed.
Me: Well at least they weren't disturbed.
Cocky: Yeah, so I heard that you are filling out some funny application questions.
Me: Yeah, I wrote an essay last night about different things from my life that besides what I have learned in classes that I would incorporate in the classroom.
Cocky:  I could see all our conversations being useful.
Me: Um...no.  I talked about how I coached volleyball and how I use the concept of teamwork so that all the students can achieve a common goal. 
Cocky: You? You play volleyball?
Me: I don't play, I coached.  My knees are too bad to play.  I would dive for a ball and get down on my knees and never be able to get back up.
Cocky:  Yeah...sounds like you spent too much time being a page at the state capitol.
Me: I was never a page...HEY WAIT A MINUTE!  So going with oral sex jokes already?
Cocky:  I love oral sex jokes even though the mainstream media seems to think they suck.

Fighting Cock Bourbon is aged for 6 years in oaken barrels to make it a classic 103 proof bourbon and giving it a smooth and robust flavor.  The brand name reflects the proud, passionate, independent spirit that the Fighting Cock bird embodies. Indeed, during World War II, a fighter squadron adorned the cowls of their planes with this proud but fierce emblem. Fighting Cock is a hallmark of Heaven Hill's fine Bourbons.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I suffer from a disorder called liberalitis.  I cannot help but always speak out against American Government oppression, oppose twisted socialism for the wealthy aka bailouts, I always must speak out in favor of civil rights and against violations of the constitution. Lastly I see the through the transparency of a society that blames the poor and disabled for their plight. I don't think that my autism plays any part in this, other than I can clearly see logical flaws in the right.
Should I be worried?
                                          Liberal in La Valle
Me: I don't think you have to worry. Your viewpoints are only unpopular in a society that is inundated with distractions such as Reality TV, ipods, and cheap fast food. Politics and the way of the American Dream have gone South due to people depending on 24 hour cable news morons like Sean Hannity or listening to Limbaugh on TV. It takes someone with SOME sense to realize when things are wrong, but a bigger person to do something about it.

Cocky: Liberalitis is better than A-holeitis. This comes from those who think political posturing and ignoring the fact they are part of the problem is what America NEEDS. I once won a Cockfight in Nashville under the pseudonym El Gallo Guapo. That may have nothing to do with your frustration, but I wanted impress you because of those hot pictures you sent with your question.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I am back in the dating scene and my last girlfriend was this career woman fashionista who was more interested in who she was wearing than what was going on in the world and was also confident in her place in the world.  What do I have to do to reel in a politically aware and frustrated waitress?
                                          Waitress Lover in Wilton
Me: I'm not sure how to go about "reeling" one in but I am sure it could be rather easy in this economic climate to find a frustrated waitress.  I guess the best advice I could give you is to broaden your horizons while at the same time lowering them.
Cocky: You leave a tip, a HUGE tip, man.  I'm talking like $10 on a bill that is $2.  The Godfather does that quite often.  He's just to proud to admit it.  He leaves a dollar tip for every drink at the bar but if the bartender is a female and has a pulse he usually leaves $2 or $3 per drink. 
Me: I am just being nice because I read that one of the most frequent jobs for women in school is waitressing and by giving them a larger tip, it is my way of helping society better itself.
Cocky: Whatever helps you sleep at night....OK, so leave the big tip and when you go to see this waitress only look at her and talk to her.  And when she asks if you want a lapdance, you pay her but say it is just for conversation...wait that's how you go about reeling in strippers...I have no idea how to find a waitress.
Me: One thing that worked for me was after I paid my bill, I found the waitress and said that there was something wrong with my bill...her phone number was not written on it.  She ended up giving me her phone number and said she liked my confidence.
Cocky: And then she gave you a restraining order and a broken heart because she didn't like your lack of bulge.

Dear Cocky and Godfather,
What is your take on all this teabagging?  Are people just oblivious to the sexual conotation?
                                          Real Teabagger in Reedsburg
Me: I am very afraid to know that there is someone out there that admits that they do teabagging.
Cocky:  Teabagging isn't that odd, Arabian Goggles are what confounds me.
Me: Just a reminder folks, the links that Cocky posts usually are not safe for viewing at work or with small children around.
Cocky:  Yeah just like how you shouldn't show your face around cows otherwise the milk will curdle.
Me: Anyway, I do understand the reason why people are going around throwing tea bags because it is symbolic of the early Americans throwing tea into the Boston Harbor to protest the taxes levied by England.  The idea is great but if you tune in tomorrow for my lukewarm links, the Venerable One sent me a link to the ugly side of teabagging.
Cocky:  As if dropping your balls on someone's face isn't ugly.  The strangest thing about these teabagging parties is that there were no protests at the Florida state capitol building, the most phallic building in America.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I always give a lot to my relationships, my husband, family members, and friends. I am starting to resent this because I don’t get much back. I hardly ever get what I really want.  What should I do?
                                          Pissed Off in Plum City
Me: Everyone should have boundaries.  Relationships such as the ones you mention are like volleyball.  You serve and you get a volley back unless you are an adult serving against grade schoolers.  Sometimes you serve two or three times but get nothing back but there should be equal generosity in return.  You can expect not to get much back from three groups: babies, teenagers, and the elderly.
Cocky: Don't listen to him.  What you do is this: you do something nice for a family member or friend or husband and if they don't give you instant respect or appreciation, you grab them by the shirt and scream, "RESPECT ME!" And if they don't apologize then you punch them in the throat.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I am 16 and love reading your column.  My problem is that I want to marry my girlfriend but my parents and her parents won't let us even though we are old enough, love each other, and have been dating for about 6 months.  No one should tell me what I should or shouldn't do in regards to love.  So what should I do?
                                         Groom to Be in Gays Mills
Me: Hmmmm so you say that no one should tell you what to do but you are asking me what you should do?  Honestly, you should wait this one out.  Getting married this young may lead to problems.  How will you finish high school and how will you support your wife and where do you purchase a marriage license and what is the standard tip for the officiant of your wedding?  You may not be physically mature and potentially not mentally mature.  Wait, until your parents deem it OK. Besides that, some states won't allow you to get married that young. 
Cocky: Don't listen to the old fool.  Just watch more of MTV's Engaged and Underage.  That show tells it what is like to be 100% truly in love and I bet all those marriages last.  See the Godfather is a balding, decrepit old man who didn't marry young and now that his body is falling apart he can't find "the one".  If you don't marry now, how can you expect to be a cock of the walk in the bedroom.  I would hate to see the Godfather's future Viagra bills.
Me: Hey, that Viagra is to help the passageways open up in my lungs and help me breather deeper.
Cocky:  Yeah...it may help you do something deeper but it most definitely isn't breathing.

Oh and if you don't like time-stamping please don't tell me to quit xanga on my blog.  It's time-stamping.  Please, don't be like some mental deficient bloggers out there by reporting me to xanga for harassment because I time-stamped and you can't wrap your small mind around that.  Just block me and unsubscribe like a normal person.  Dang, I shouldn't have written this, Prince Guko and the vegetarian vampires may attack me.

If you have any questions send them to advicewithcocky@gmail.com or send them to me here at Xanga.  Also, if you haven't or if you want to numerous times, please vote for the winner of the Championship Game in my Tournament of Randomocity.

Thank you for all the well wishes.  I am starting to feel better.  Today was one of the first days that I felt decent and didn't have any coughing attacks.  The only bad part was that I felt so tired.  I woke up about 6:45AM because one of my cats crawled on my back and started kneading my shoulder.  Her nails need to be cut because I felt pin pricks all over my shoulder.  I got up took my medicine and thought about breakfast but I didn't have any appetite.  I laid back down trying to get back to sleep.  No luck.  10AM I finally fell asleep and then woke up at noon.  So my day has been filled with surfing Xanga, checking up Addicting Games, and filling out applications for teaching positions.  I have somewhat given up on my writing career.  OK, maybe I am just putting it on hold because I am not getting any bites at getting a staff position or into journalism.  Maybe they have read my blog.  Anyway, I am thinking of getting back into fulltime teaching instead of subbing but today was great because I can pick and choose when I work.  So it means that my autobiography won't be hitting the shelves of Dollar Stores until a later date.  Anyway I need some motivation to get back to the applications...teaching apps are quite interesting.

Well I hope you were motivated by this post.  Ugh...I don't want to go fill out applications.  In one I have to list the last five books I read.  I am sure they want to know I read Captain Underpants...part of my banned book list.  Oh and if you haven't or want to vote again, here's my Tournament of Randomocity...it's the CHAMPIONSHIP!

Well here it is, the championship.  It has been a long time coming and I am pleased with the voting and the amount of traffic this has generated.  Currently I am working on a similar style tournament but with only bands.  I am trying to figure out how many bands to include and how to break up the brackets.  Do I do it by genre or time period or country of origin?  I have to think these things through.  Also this is coming to you a little late today because my body crashed this afternoon and then I decided to finish my skittle vodka project.  I am filtering the final two flavors so sometime this week I will have to sample.

I am joined as always by my co-author Cocky, legendary Scandinavian gambler Sven the Norwegian, and a composite of my three stalkers. 

Tournament of Randomocity Championship Game: Cat vs Beatrix Kiddo from Kill Bill

Tournament of Randomocity Championship Game 
Me: How the mighty have fallen!  Pink Floyd won all their contests by shut outs but the mighty cat got a lead which Floyd could not overcome.
Cocky:  How can you sing the praises of my enemy?  I was sure Pink Floyd would win.  I tried to get my coop to rock the vote.  AH....hens never listen!
Sven: Dat dere kitty gots dem claws.  I bets she scratched dem Floyd records and dat what makes her advance
Stalker: Can we talk about something else.  I don't like talking to Cocky.  I will tell you what you should talk about on your blog...PRINCE GUKO and TWILIGHT!
Me: Yeah, they suck.  Beatrix Kiddo slew a powerful Super Nintendo that many people had predicted would win the entire tournament. 
Cocky:  I think you were personally trying to get people to vote for Super Nintendo by posting such a provactive picture.
Me: Actually when I did a Google search that was one of the first images that came up.
Stalker: I'm going to come taste your vodka.  You keep it in the freezer right?
Sven:  Dat Kiddo is sum hot stuff!  She could yump on me all day.
Me: So who do you like to win?
Cocky:  I have to go with Beatrix Kiddo because the cat is my archenemy and I bet she has some mighty tasty breast meat.
Sven:  I'm gonna pick dah kitty.  She has dat beard and in Norvegian cultur dat mean she ist a damn devil cat.
Stalker:  REBA McENTIRE!  JEFF DUNHAM!
Me: OK....Sven give us the odds.
Sven:  Well I don't rightly know.  I wouldn't bet any dah lutefisk in Minn'sota on dis one.  I think Kitty wins at 3 to 1 odds.
Me: OK there you have.  Make sure you call up Vegas to place you bets.

Just a reminder, you may vote as often as you like, just like in the American voting system.  I won't be playing the part of the Milwaukee Republican party and handing out cigarettes for you to vote for whom I want to win.  I don't vote.  This is determined by you my readers.

VOTE!
vs

I finally got in to see a doctor today.  He scolded me for not taking my medicine and I guess he was right.  I told him about the side effects and he agreed that it sounded bad but the alternative is worse.  So I have some broken blood things in my sinuses and in my lung and that explains some blood loss.  He loaded me up on all sorts of lung meds but I said no to steroids because of how they messed with me.  So anyway I am on the mend.  Here is this week's round up.

No matter how hard Zac Efron tries, those rumors that he is straight seem to elude him. 

Zac Efron is set to be cast in a live action movie about Johnny Quest.  In the TV series Johnny was about 11 years old, Zac is 21.  At that rate, he'll be playing the baby in a remake of Look Who's Talking.  Oh and there is a rumor floating around that Tom Cruise is lobbying to be cast in a new movie where he will play a teenager.  No he won't suffer from Benjamin Button illness or like Efron's character in 17 Again...Tom wants to be a teenager...well maybe the low sodium, low carb, and low everything diet of Scientology has made him delusional. 

Woody Harrelson got in a fight with a paparazzi at LaGuardia Airport in New York this week.  The cameraman approached Woody who then broke his camera.  Woody claims he was scared and thought the paparazzi was a cameraman a zombie.  He has been filming a zombie movie and was trying to remain in character and he got carried away.  It's not a surprise he did this, I mean he still thinks he is a bartender and often walks behind bars throughout America and asks, "How are you doing, Mr. Peterson?"

When I first saw this Twitter report about the demise of Tila Tequila, I rejoiced.  Tila claims that someone broke into her house and stole stuff and then broke into her computer and logged onto her Twitter account and posted that nonsense.  Later on Tila went on to Twitter, before calling the police of course, to tell everyone that she was still alive.  Man...this Twitter obsession among the stars is getting crazy thus providing more reasons why I should be on that site.

Simon Cowell hinted in an interview this week that this may be his last season on American Idol but later on he said that he was just joking.  Simon is all talk and won't leave, just like Texas won't leave the U.S.  I have noticed this season that he seems to act like he doesn't care and offers cliche comments like the other judges.  I have also noticed that the sexual chemistry between Simon and Ryan Seacrest isn't what it has been in years at least since season two because we all know that the co-host in season 1, Brian Dunkleman, could only get that job because he was dating Seacrest.

Speaking of American Idol, here is another photo of this season's contestant and front-runner Adam Lambert.  This coming week's theme on A.I. is Disco.  How much do you want to bet this guy sings Dancing Queen by ABBA?

Here we see Shauna Sand showing us how she became famous.  Actually she was at Millions of Milkshakes to unveil her new line of milkshakes.  That has to be a pretty low endorsement deal.  I feel bad for her.  It appears as if her mouth can't control itself when it has creamy and milky substances inside.

People on the set of 90210 are complaining about AnnaLynne McCord are complaining about her.  No she hasn't turned into a diva.  She doesn't wear deodorant and apparently she is quite rank.  Staff members joke about the smell and say things about it in her presence as if trying to drop hints.  One staffer slyly slipped a deodorant stick into her bag when she wasn't looking.  Hey, AnnaLynne, you want to know how to get all those staffers to quit complaining about your smell?  Get DD breast implants.

VH-1 keeps delivering the crappy reality shows.  They are currently working on a reality series based on the every day life of American Idol winner turned Lifetime Movies for Women actress turned foreclosed, Fantasia.  I can see the series being primarily about dodging bill collection phone calls and fights with check cashing store employees.  The last time I wrote about Fantasia it was when her house was foreclosed.  I received some heat because of how she had such a rough time.  I don't care, that means nothing as to how to live within your means. 

Speaking of living within their means...Meet the cast of I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.  Currently the cast includes Heidi and Spencer Douchebag, Dog the Racist Bounty Hunter, "Hot" Rod Blajoevich, Geraldo Rivera, and Janice Dickinson.  Contestants will be dropped into a jungle in Costa Rica and then will compete against each other to win some sort of prize.  They need to get the Ice Queen Ann Coulter on that show.  I hope the first contest involves surviving a Somalian pirate attack.  The fun will hit NBC sometime this summer.

I have often talked about my dislike for Jessica Alba because of her personality and horrible taste in douchebagish men.  That being said, I would love to untie that package...you may have to enlarge to see the tattoo.

Hulk Hogan has officially went off the deep end.  No he didn't do anything creepy with his daughter.  During an interview with Rolling Stone magazine he said how he understood what OJ did and how he could have done the same thing.  Wait...OJ didn't do anything.  He did steal some sports memorabilia so maybe the Hulkster is going to invade the WWE and steal a title belt.  No, he meant the alleged murders of Ron Goldman and Nicole Simpson.  Oh, Hulkster, your daughter look-a-like girlfriend will wipe away your tears besides if you really want to hurt people, make them watch your movies.

Linda Hogan responded to the Hulkster's interview by stating that Hulk ruined their marriage by his constant cheating.  She also fears that the rage and instability common among pro-wrestlers may surface and he could do something to harm her and her 19 year old boyfriend.  Hey...rage and instability common...that's a cheap shot.  Name me one wrestler in the past few years that murdered his family....oops...Chris Benoit. 

I think I am going to be sick.  I never ever thought I would use the terms Rosie O'Donnell and camel toe in the same sentence.  I think Rosie is trying to tell President Obama something.  We should drop her off somewhere along the coast of Somalia so she can combat pirates while wearing that outfit.

Here we see Reese Witherspoon giving us proof that she isn't good  at everything she does.  She is training for an upcoming movie about softfall...I mean softball.  What is with that face mask?  I have noticed that many little leagues and high schools have adopted face masks for baseball.  When I was a boy we got hit in the face and we liked it.  That may explain why I tend to look like Disney's version of Quasimodo in the Hunchback of Notre Dame. 

Phil Spector was found guilty of second degree murder and could face up to 18 years in jail at his sentence hearing this summer.  I wonder if they will allow his hair dryer in the pokey.  Speaking of pokey, judging from that mugshot, he's going to be a very popular inmate.  I think he should be given life in prison for messing up The Beatles.

The champagne in a can that Paris Hilton endorses is doing poorly and people are saying it is because of her endorsement.  The owner of the company refuses to accept reality and says that Paris is perfect for the product.  What, does it cause STDs and tastes like tuna that has been left out in the sun all day? 

Here we see Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush at the grand opening of Opium in the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino.  Reggie looks so happy to be there.  You really can't tell from this photo but the reason why his career hasn't really amounted to anything is because Kim gave him a wicked case of jock itch.

Kim Kardashian bloged on Friday that she fell asleep while tanning in Mexico and wearing some fancy Prada sunglasses.  She said because this sunburn is so severe and embarrassing that she plans on avoiding cameras at all costs.  Hmmm....looks like Reggie Bush won't be getting laid anytime soon...for gwarlockvance...BA-ZING!

Lady Gaga was pretty smart when she went out this week, she wore tape over her nipples so the paparazzi couldn't photograph her.  You know what else would work?  NOT DRESSING LIKE A WHORE!

Lil Wayne was interviewed by Playboy magazine in a feature called The Dirty Dozen which is about the sex life of the person being interviewed.  Lil claims that he lost his virginity at age 11 to a 13 year old girl while they were playing a board game.  Oh yeah, nothing heats me up like a game of Monopoly.  He also talked about how he has to be careful and practices safe sex.  He says that instead of ramming a ho's pussy he makes love to it so he doesn't have to wear condoms.  Oh what a romantic!  So I wonder what the Vegas odds are that he will die an AIDs related death.

Porn actress Marilyn Chambers was found dead this week at the age of 57.  Her best known work was a film called Behind the Green Door.  This was very controversial because at the time of the movie's release, Marilyn was also featured in a tv commercial for Ivory soap.  Apparently Marilyn was a very talented actress in that she could do certain acts for another legendary porn star John Holmes that no one else could do.  Also she was a pioneer in the porn industry.  She was the first female to appear onscreen with a fully shaved pubic region.  She never quite made it outside of porn.  Her most recent move was in 2004, she was a nominee for Vice President on the United States in one of those fringe parties.  Marilyn will be greatly missed.

Marlee Matlin released her autobiography this week and it had some shocking revelations inside.  She said that while she dated William Hurt, he beat her.  She didn't go to the police because she was on drugs and was worried they wouldn't believe her because of this and also because she is deaf.  She also claims that while living in New York City at that time, her only friend was a drug dealer because of how controling Hurt was.  She also had to hide the bruises inflicted by Hurt while they were filming Children of a Lesser God.  Don't even think I am going to make a joke about his surname.  This is sad and they all can't be jokes.


So this week I was following around Janice Dickinson and I thought it would be a funny joke if I wrapped a dildo inside some bubble wrap and put it on her windshield.  First we see how happy she is to see me and then she spots to package.  She is then shocked and then the heartless woman threw it away.  Come on, Janice, I bought it for you because who in their right mind would screw you?

Lauren Conrad will be doing a guest role on an upcoming episode of Family Guy.  You know, I think they have remained silent and haven't made fun of The Hills on Family Guy.  This show should be very interesting.  I bet Seth MacFarlane is a huge fan of that show.

Matthew McConaughey was interviewed this week and he talked about how Playboy gave him an improper idea about the vagina.  He thought it was hid by the hair.  He claims that the first time he ever was with a girl he spent a long time looking for the right place.  Ugh...he must have been dating a female Chewbacca.  That girl can be thankful he didn't go down there with one of those flashlight hats in his search attempt.

I was so happy when I heard Octo-Mom deny that she was doing a reality series this week.  It was a big sigh of relief and felt happy that her children will grow up in as much of a normal household as possible.  Then it was all crushed when she revealed that a British film maker was going to make a documentary about the kids and will follow them around until they are 18 years old.  There was something like that years ago where they released a documentary about a certain group of children every few years and into their adult lives.  This sounds similar.  Oh and she is also trying to trademark the term "Octo-Mom" so hence forth on my blog I will refer to her as Octo-Crazy...hey, it's better than my original idea.

Mel Gibson's wife of 28 years is divorcing him.  She says that is is because of irreconciable differences and Mel says it is because of the Jews.  His wife will be rolling in the green because when they got married, he didn't have her sign a pre-nup so she gets half of his stuff.  So why is it that only straight people are allowed to marry for life? Oh and the half naked woman is whom Mel was cheating with.  She is a Russian model named Oksana Pochepa.  Hmmm...she isn't worth losing $400 million.

Miley Cyrus opened that gigantic mouth this week and was talking about Alice in Wonderland.  She claims that the movie is perverted and all about Ecstacy.  Lewis Carroll wrote that book in 1865.  The only movie version that I am aware of is the 1951 Disney version and that isn't perverted.  X came out many years later.  Oh I get it...she is starting to attempt to get people to stay away from that movie and see her Hannah Montana debacle instead of the upcoming Johnny Depp version of Alice in Wonderland.  Seriously, Miley, shut the fuck up!  I can't believe that hillbilly is worth millions of dollars.

Miley Cyrus was photographed sneaking out of a restaurant with Nick Jonas and totally checking out his butt.  So what if his button fly isn't completely buttoned.  Nick Jonas has a purity ring and we all know that is a forcefield against all things sexual.

I suppose I should wrap this up with one of the best things I have heard.  Jamie Foxx a Sirius radio show and he was talking about Miley Cyrus.  He said something and then he had to apologize for saying this:

A GUM TRANSPLANT!!!!  Jamie probably apologized because he fears the mouse and we all know the power that Mickey wields.

Here is a bonus video of Anderson Cooper exposing the truth behind those Tea Parties on Wednesday.

I hope everyone enjoyed this post.  I hope you all have a relaxing and sun soaked weekend.  I will be inside taking care of my lungs and the like.  I will also be preparing some new posts where I actually write.  The Tournament of Randomocity polls close tomorrow evening.